01x16 - Double Agent

[bunniefuu]

Man's voice:
gentlemen, today I have
our communique

from kaos international.

We are ordered
to stifle the heartbeat

Of the central military
complex of the united states.

The pentagon?

we'll receive details
of the plan at our
next meeting.

If we are to succeed,
we must have someone guide us;

Someone who knows
the building

And who has
total access to it,
top clearance.

I know such a man.

He's a control agent.

maxwell smart.

do you think we can
recruit maxwell smart?

for a price.

If not for money,
there is always
the lovely natasha.

You're talking foolishly,
gentlemen.

Maxwell smart is
a dedicated loyal agent.

but he's also stupid.

Stop!
Nobody say anything.

Give me that.

Where did this glass
with the ice cube come from?

It was here
when we came in.

That's it, they found it.

Fools!
Don't you see?

The ice in this glass
has melted.

Look at this ice cube.

Germanium crystal...

With a transmitting
device inside.

[ Gasps ]

Oh.

I can't stand it
when they break
those things.

You know, 99,
I really feel sorry
for professor parker.

He spent so much time
working on that device.

- The ice cube transmitter?
- Yes.

For the last six months
he's tested it in every
known fluid.

That's how he got
his reputation.

- As a perfectionist?
- No, as a drunk.

[ theme music playing ]

Watch it.
Watch it take off.

- The fly, I know.
- Yeah, oh, there he goes.

It's beautiful,
absolutely beautiful.

Oh, round
and round he goes

And now a perfect
landing.

That's incredible,
professor.
How did you do it?

How did I do it?

Two and a half years
of nerve-racking
micro-miniature fabrication

And $400,000 worth
of research and equipment.

Did you see those
two tiny antenna?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, the left is a receiver;

The right, a transmitter.

Notice the left eye--

The world's smallest
radar tracking dish.

- Wow.
- A network of 7,000

Exquisitely delicate
wafer circuits.

That's marvelous.

Uh, sorry about your
ice cube, professor.

Forget the ice cube, max,
take a look at this.

Oh please,
don't tell them
what it is.

I would like mr. Smart
to look at your desk

And see if he can
detect which item is
the listening device.

Parker, I don't think
you should do that.

Don't be ridiculous,
chief, that's a great idea.

If he can fool my keen eyes,
the security of kaos
is doomed.

Excuse me, 99.

Now let's see.

Well, I don't think
it's this magazine.

It's a little obvious
and clumsy.

Uh...

I don't think
it's this paperweight

Or the cigarette
lighter.

What about that, uh--
that fly?

Huh?oh.

Got it.

Look, chief,
maybe the professor
can build another fly

Or a mosquito or a ladybug
or something like that.

There is
not enough time.

Max, you're going
to have to personally
infiltrate kaos.

That's out of the question.
You heard what they said
on the recording.

- I'm too loyal, too dedicated.
- That's what they think
of you now.

But you are going
to gamble away your next
six months' salary

And become a stumbling,

Bumbling, drunken bum.

- Is that an order, chief?
- That's an order.

I'll see that
word gets out on
the grapevine tonight

- That you'll be gambling.
- Where, chief?

There's an illegal
gambling casino

That kaos men have been
known to frequent.

Phase one.

Here's a couple
of thousand dollars.

Bet heavily,
lose it and make sure
that they see you.

Well, that shouldn't be
too difficult, chief.

Oh, there's one thing, max.

I'll be the only one
who knows you'll be
a double agent.

Right, chief.

You mean
we can't tell 99?

Max, kaos will be watching
your friends closely.

You must convince them
more than anyone else
that you've gone bad.

Now, max, remember,

Acting as a double agent
is the most dangerous game
in the world.

These men are K*llers.
They'll stop at nothing.

You'll be living
in constant danger
every moment.

And...

Loving it.

Our information was correct.
Maxwell smart just entered.


I got it!whoo-hoo!

Look at that purdy green lettuce
rolling right on back home.

[ Cackles ]

You know, I've been betting


And that little old wagon wheel
finally come up with it.

Whoo-hoo!
You know, mister,
I don't know who you are,

But before you showed up
I must have lost a couple
of thousand-barrel oil wells.

Now you just stay right here
because you and me

Are gonna bust this
little game wide open!

- Well, thank you,
but I had other plans.
- No no no.

I ain't gonna hold you,
I ain't gonna hold you.

Why, you can't hold back
a bona fide angel of luck,
now can you?

[ Laughs ]

Hold on, boy, hold on.
Why, y'all didn't
think I was gonna

Let you walk away unrewarded,
now did you, huh?

- I can't--
- ah-hh!

If you don't, I just
might get very angry.

- Jacks full.
- Beats me.

Yeah.

[ Groans ]

mind if I sit in?

table stakes.

That's the only
game I play.



Another thousand.

Fresh deck, please.

I open.500.

- I call.
- I'm in.

I call.

Give me one.

Two.

Three.

I'll take four.



- I'm out.
- I'm out.

I call your 500

And I raise you 500.

I see you.
What do you got?

Well, gentlemen,

That cleans me.

Four aces, you win.

That beats me.

Well, gentlemen,
that's all for me.

I'm too lucky
in this game.

Dealer:
here you go, $4,000.

Thank you.

Are you certain
the kaos agent was
watching you?

Everybody was
watching me, chief.

And he didn't
approach you?

I'm telling you, chief,
nobody from kaos is going
to approach me.

I've got too good
a reputation
to live down.

Not anymore, max.

We've shown them
that you're a gambler.
Now we move into phase two:

Physical degradation.
You'll become an alcoholic.

Right, chief.

- An alcoholic?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, will they take
a heavy drinker?

Max, take good
care of this.

The tailor
charges a fortune
to rip it up like that.

I got a dry cleaner
that'll do this
for nothing.

Here, max,
you'll need
some of these.

Oh, aspirin, good.

Probably need a lot of aspirin
with all that drinking.

No, max, not aspirin.
They are absorbo pills.

Keep one in your mouth
while you're drinking.

It'll absorb
all the alcohol
out of the liquor.

Say, that's wonderful, chief.
Then I'll act drunk,

I'll look drunk,
I'll even smell drunk,
but I'll be stone sober.

That's right, max.
Not one drop of alcohol
will reach your stomach.

- Unless--
- unless what, chief?

Well, just don't swallow
one of the absorbo pills.

If you do,
your stomach fluids
will release

The alcohol from
the pill all at once.

I'll remember that, chief.

Now you do your drinking
in chez charles--

That's a skid-row bar.

We'll make sure kaos
gets wind of where
you are.

- Right, chief.
- [ knocks on door ]

Put this away,
will you?

come in.

There you are, max, I've been
looking all over for you.

Uh, i--
I've been busy.

Oh, that's okay.
Come on, you've gotta
get home and change

- Or we'll be late
for the concert.
- The concert?

Oh, tonight's saturday night,
that's right.that's when
we go to the--

Sorry, 99, I can't
make it tonight.
I'm busy.

Oh... You're
on assignment.

Well, not exactly.

You're acting
very strangely, max.

Look, 99, why don't you
just forget about me
for a few days?

Max, I couldn't
forget about you.

Not even
for a few minutes.

- I'm sorry, 99.
- Is it another girl, max?

- Sort of.
- Oh, okay, um...

I guess, I'll see you
in the morning then.

- Good night, chief.
- Good night, 99.

Max, until your mission
is a success,

She'll learn to do
without you.

Yeah, chief,
but what if my mission
is a failure?

We'll all learn
to do without you.

Alex, he's here all right.

Drinking like it's
going out of style.

Throat lozenges,
sore throat.

Oh.

- Bartender?
- Yeah.

- Give me a b&b.
- B&b?

Bourbon and bourbon.

Hey, mac,

You're gonna have to get
that dog out of here.

- What dog?
- That dog.

Fang, what are you doing here?
You want to spoil everything?

All right, doggy,
get out of here.

Get lost.i don't want
you hanging around me.

Can't you see
I've turned rotten?

[ Whimpers ]

Okay, if you want the truth,
you're not my pal anymore.

I don't like you.

You've got
a sweaty tongue.

And... Doggy odor.

[ Growling ]

That's more like it.
Now just growl yourself
right out the door.

Good work, fang,
you found him.

Max, what are you
doing in this place?

What does it
look like I'm doing?
I'm getting drunk.

That's not
like you, max.

"That's not like you, max."
Okay, what is like me?

Max!

We've meant so much
to each other.

Look, will you
do me a favor?

Just leave me alone.
Get out of my life.

Max, I think
I can help you.

It's that fly, isn't it,
the $400,000 one?

Fill her up, bartender.

We can work out something.
I've saved a little money.

Look, I don't
want your money.

We can pay it off
$10 a week.

$10 A week?

You know how long
that would take?



Sorry, but I've got
other plans.

Max, please let me
take you home.

Look, can't you get it
through your head?

I don't want to go home.
I like it here.

I don't believe that.

Okay, then maybe
you'll believe this--

I've never liked you,
not even from the beginning.

You're too...

Statuesque.

Besides, I don't like
the things you stand for:

Integrity,
loyalty, decency.

Okay, max,
I'm leaving.

But only because
you want me to.

I'm just not convinced
that you're what you're
pretending to be.

Come on, fang,
come on.

Smart is deteriorating
rapidly.

He just dismissed
his dog and his girl.

[ phone ringing ]

Pardon me, I know this is
going to sound silly,

But is it possible that
your shoe is ringing?

My shoe?

You've been drinking
too much of this
cheap booze, soldier.

Listen, I'm sorry
I talked to you so mean,

But I can't explain now.

Oh, chief.
I thought it was 99.

Have they made contact
with you yet?

No, chief, uh-- they're
watching me very closely.

But I think they're
finding it hard to believe.

That means we'll have
to put phase three into effect.

- Right, chief.
- [ phone rings ]

Can you hold on
a second, chief?

Hello, uh, I'm sorry,
but I'm using the phone booth.

Could you call back later?

Okay, chief,
phase three it is.

Uh, chief,
just one thing...

What is phase three?

That's where I come into the bar
and pick a fight with you,

- And you beat me up.
- Beat you up?

I couldn't do that, chief.

There's nothing to it.

We planted a case of whiskey
in harmless breakaway bottles
down there.

It's called "old soldier."

All you have to do
is break one over my head.

"Old soldier"
over the head.

Well, okay, chief,
if you think it's necessary.

But I want you to know
I won't be enjoying it.

Smart?

What do you want?

A few answers.

Sorry, but I don't think
I'm gonna like the questions.

We're missing $68,000.

That's tough.
Have you looked behind
the sofa cushions?

beside myself,
you're the only one

Who had access
to the safe.

Just what are
you getting at?

I'm making
a citizen's arrest.

I don't think
he was looking.
You'd better hit me again.

Bartender, give me another
bottle of "old soldier."

Give me another drink.
Put a little more ice.

He missed it again.
Quick, get another bottle.

Wait a minute, chief,
I've got a better idea.

We've got to get
his attention.

Let's go down
to the other end
of the bar.

Bartender, give me
a bottle of champagne.

Now look, chief,
I'm gonna take this bottle

And crash it over
the end of the bar.

Then I'll thr*aten you
with the jagged edges.

that'll get his attention.

All right, I'm telling
you for the last time,
get out of here!

- Is he looking?
- He must be.

[ Coughs ]
chief?

[ Muffled ]
yeah?

I think I swallowed
my absorbo pill.

What?

You know something, chief?

They're not half bad.

Then what happened?

He hit him with another bottle
while I was ordering a drink.

I hope he hasn't gotten
too violent for us to use.

Wake him up.

Wake up!
Come on, wake up.

- You're among friends.
- now, mr. Smart,

I always knew
that deep down inside

You were a rat.

Oh, thank you
for your confidence.

No!

Well, it looks like
your little girlfriend
followed you here.

Yeah, we caught her
snooping around outside.

What are we
gonna do with her?

How about giving her
a severe reprimand?

She'll have
to be disposed of.

Uh, how about a stern warning
to keep off the premises?

Who's gonna do it?

Well, I think it's
only just that mr. Smart

have that honor.

Would you go for a severe
reprimand and a stern warning?

You don't seem
to be very anxious

To carry out
this assignment.

That's where you're wrong.
I'm very anxious to carry out
this assignment.

It's just that I can't work
with a lot of people looking
over my shoulder.

After all, executions are a kind
of a personal thing with me.

I think all of you gentlemen
had better leave the room.

How long is this
going to take?

I'll call you
when it's over.

Oh, max,
I knew you hadn't
turned rotten.

You just had to find out
the rest of their plan.

It's too late for that now.
I've got to get you
out of here.

I don't know how I'm
gonna do it.there's only
one door and no window.

- That's it!
- Of course that's it.

- What's it?
- There must be
a ventilator.

Look!

Max, the noise!
They'll get suspicious.

You're right.
We need something
to cover it.

- I know.
- What?

If they hear screams,
they'll think I'm working
you over.

- Right.
- I'd better use
my phono-watch.

Oh.

Give me that scream record
from your charm bracelet.

Here it is.

[ Woman laughing hysterically ]

Must be the flip side.

[ woman screaming ]
ah! No! No!

- That's it.
- Good.

- [ clattering ]
- max, someone's coming.

We'd better take them
at the door.

- We'll never get
through this anyway.
- Right.

What's going on?
Hey!no!

No no no no, don't!
I'm not a kaos agent!

- Are you a double agent?
- [ Gasps ] yeah.

- So is he.
- 99, He's lying.

- No, I'm not!
- "The geese fly high."

"The frost is on the grass."

- Max!
- He is.

- Sorry about that, fella.
- Ooh.ooh.

I didn't mean
to hit you so hard.

- I think you
fractured my skull.
- It'll heal, it'll heal.

Ow!

Don't sh**t!uh--
"the geese fly high."

"The frost is
on the grass."

[ Screams ]
max!

- "The geese fly high."
- "The frost is on the grass."

"The geese fly--"
uh!

All:
"the frost is on the grass."

Just a minute.
Who are you guys?

C.i.a.

Naval intelligence.

F.b.i.

Scotland yard, here.

You're--
scotland yard?

You're brown?
I'm adam.

Well, 99, I can't wait
to tell the chief
about this.

We're really in line
for congratulations.

We've just broken
the sinister arm
of kaos

That's threatened
the nation's capital.

But, max, what about
when the chief finds out

That we've just wounded
four of our own government's
top agents?

Well, we don't have
to tell the chief
everything.

Apparently the real kaos man
who started the group

Died several years ago, chief,
and was never replaced.

You've done a good job, max,
and I understand most of them

Will be out of the hospital
within the month.

Sorry about that,
chief.

- All in the line of work, max.
- What about the electronic fly?

Oh, parker has come up
with a new listening device
even cleverer than the fly.

- Are you ready, parker?
- Yes, chief.

See, if you can pick
this one out, smart.

And please be a little
more careful this time.

- Right, professor.
- It's among these objects
on the desk.

Well, let's see.

It's not
the cigarette lighter,
right?

Right.

And, uh...

It's not
the magazine, right?

Correct.

A fly.
You've built another fly.

No, smart,
that's a real fly.

- [ Fly buzzing ]
- oh.

Are you sure
it's a fly?

Absolutely.

Well then
I can k*ll it.

I have a strange feeling
it's the light bulb.

[ theme music playing ]