01x20 - All in the Mind

[bunniefuu]

[ papers rustling ]

[ door opens ]

- miss sloan?
- oh, dr. Braam.

I was just catching up
on some last-minute filing,

The transcripts
from today's patients.

Such diligence deserves
to be rewarded.

I can do it
in the morning.

Good night,
doctor.

Good night.

Admiral weifer's file.

So that's it.

What a pity.

Take care of her,
george.

[ Phone rings ]

- Hello.
- [ Ringing continues ]

- Hello.
- [ Ringing continues ]

Hello.

[ ringing continues ]

Hello.

[ Ringing continues ]

Hello.

Is this maxwell smart
the secret agent?

Yes, this is
maxwell smart.

But what makes you think
I'm a secret agent?

I live in your apartment
house, mr. Smart,

And once I saw you
talking into your shoe.

Who is this?

My name is
joanna sloan

And I have some information
that should be vital
to our government.

I'm a secretary
to dr. Myron braam,
the psychiatrist.

Well, thank you very much,
miss sloan,

But I'm handling
my problems pretty well.

No, you don't
understand.

I have reason
to believe

That a secret organization
called kaos is receiving
information--

[ water rushing ]

Mr. Smart, they're
trying to drown me!

Well of course
they're tr--

They're trying
to drown you?

Where are you?

I'm in a phone booth
in the hancock building!

You're drowning
in a phone booth?

Mr. Smart,
the phone booth's
filling up with water!

Well why don't you leave
and call me from
another booth?

I can't get out!
It's locked!

Now look, miss sloan,

I don't know who you are
or what your little game is

But I do know this much--
nobody can drown in
a phone booth.

Miss sloan?

Miss sloan?

[ Clicking
phone cradle ]

Operator:
yes sir?

Operator,
I've been cut off.

sorry, sir.
your party has
been drowned.

[ theme music playing ]

Your emergency report
last night

Has been corroborated
to some extent, 86.

A miss joanna sloan was
found drowned--

In a river.

But I'm telling
you, chief,

She was drowned
in a phone booth.

Max, be reasonable.
How could a girl drown
in a phone booth?

How do I know?
Maybe she couldn't swim.

Max, forget
the phone booth.

You reported
that miss sloan
mentioned a possible link

Between her employer
and kaos.

What was the man's name?

Maybe we have something
on him in our omnifile.

Wait a minute now, chief.
I think it was jaam.
That's it-- dr. Jaam.

Jaam, chief.
That's with a "j."

"J."

Jaam, jaam...

On the other hand,
it might have been
"shaam."

No, maybe
it was "ushaam."

No, I think
it was "braam."

"Braam"?

Oh, here it is.

Dr. Myron braam.

On the other hand
it could have been
"craam."

Max!

Sorry about
that, chief.

Dr. Myron braam.

He's one of washington's
top psychiatrists.

If he's been
getting classified data
from government officials

And passing it on
to kaos--

It could destroy
our national security.

Well, how are we
going to proceed,
chief?

I have a plan.

This is step one.

Oh, dr. Braam, this
is general mcfarland
at the pentagon.

What I'm about to say to you
is confidential information,
of course.

We have an officer in our
special weapons branch
named colonel smart.

He's been acting in a very
disturbed manner lately

And it's severely
affecting his work.

would you be able
to see him later?

Yes, I can see him
after my last patient
tonight.

Tell him to be here
around 6:00.

The building will be locked,
but the janitor
can let him in.

thank you, doctor.

Forgive me, admiral.

Let's see now...

Ah, yes.

You were telling me
you felt very guilty

About the third fleet.

Admiral: yes...

Without any warning
to the families of the crew

I had to order the third fleet
to the mediterranean.

- Now here is step two--
- wait a minute, chief.

There's just one question
I would like to ask.

Yes?

Who is this
colonel smart?

I don't believe
I know him.

Max, you're
colonel smart.

Oh.
I am?

Yes.now, max,
I want you to go
to dr. Braam

And pose as
a disturbed
army officer.


As your wife.

Now you are to keep
dr. Braam busy

While she's searching
through his files in
the outer office.

Oh, I get it.
And then while he's
talking to her

I'll be searching his desk
in the inner office.

exactly.

Now, max, this is
a difficult assignment.

You've got to convince
the doctor that you're
emotionally disturbed.

Now just a minute.

There's a lot of things
I'd do for control, chief,

But this is a little
out of the question.

86, this is an order.

Now I want you to get
in touch with dr. Stueben

In our psychological
warfare lab.

He may be able
to give you a
few ideas

On how a really
disturbed person
might act.

Well, all right.

But honestly, chief...

Can you picture me
as a mental patient?

[ knock on door ]

- Dr, stueben?
- Yes.

You must be 86.
Sit down, please.

The chief asked me
to prepare you for
the kind of questions

You might be asked
by dr. Braam--

so that you will be able
to maintain your cover.

Are you a psychologist,
dr. Stueben?

I'm the president of
the psychologists' society

For mental
health and adjustment
through fulfillment.

And what kind of
an organization is that?

We're a hate group.

A hate group?

In the sense that
we cure hate and fear.

We hate hate.
Hate it.

Now, mr. Smart,
I'm gonna see your responses
to a word association test.

I'm going to say a word

And then you'll respond
with the first word that
comes into your mind.

Are you ready?

- Boy.
- Girl.

- Black.
- White.

- Win.
- Lose.

- Very good.
- Very bad.

- Stop!
- Go.

- No no!
- Yes yes.

All right!

All wrong.

Now, mr. Smart,
I'm going to show
you some inkblots

On these charts here

And I want you
to tell me what
they remind you of.

Are you ready?

A man and a woman
hugging.

Hmm.
Next.

Another man and
a woman hugging.

Next.

A man and a
woman kissing.

Mr. Smart,
you seem to show
a definite preoccupation

With men and women
hugging and kissing.

Me?!

You're the one
with the weird
picture collection!

Now for our final test.

Sit over here,
will you please?

This is a test
that measures your
tolerance to distraction.

As you can see, these wooden
pegs fit into the holes
on this board.

Now first you're going
to insert the pegs
in the holes

And there will be
no distractions.

That's simple enough,
isn't it?

That seems
fairly simple.

Ah, but then
you'll do it again

And the second time
you'll hear a symphony
playing in one ear,

A voice speaking
to you in the other

And there'll be
a bright light
flashing in your eyes.

But first we'll time you
without any distractions.

- Are you ready?
- Mm-hmm.

- Go!
- [ Timer ticking ]

Does that thing
have to be ticking?

I can't think with
that thing ticking.

But that's
the timer.

Is there a window shade
flapping in here somewhere?

I can't concentrate
with all these distractions.

Doc, these things just
don't fit in the holes.

Can't I force them in?

Of course
you can't
force them.

This is
childishly simple.

See?here.

Wait a minute.
The squares are mine.

You use the round ones.

Wait a minute.
I think I'll use
the round ones.

You use the squares.

[ Whistling ]

Will you stop
that whistling?

I can't concentrate!

Ah, you must be
colonel smart.

I told you this
was the office.

This is my wife.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

- I wanted to come alone,
but she wouldn't let me.
- Ha!

I had to drive him here.
He's terrified behind
the wheel.

It's not that.
It's just that
I've been

Having a little trouble
with my driver's test.

Almost passed it
the last time.

Just made one
little mistake--

Slammed the door on
the instructor's hand.

- Would you mind waiting
for us out here?
- Not at all.

Come along, colonel.
We'll go inside.

Sit down, colonel.

You realize
of course, doctor,

That this is quite
embarrassing for me,

I mean, having to
call on a psychiatrist.

Nonsense, colonel.

Men like yourself,
responsible men in our
government,

- make up the bulk
of my practice.
- You don't say.

Do you realize
that a high-ranking
american official

Breaks down every day?

My goodness.

How does he stand it?

Now I usually find it more
helpful with my patients

If we use the couch.

- Do you mind?
- Certainly not, doctor.

Make yourself
comfortable.

No, not me.
For you, colonel.

Oh.
Yes, of course.

Now colonel, this is
probably the first time

You've ever had
a psychiatric examination,

- Right?
- Wrong.

- Wrong?
- Right.

- Right?
- Left.

- Please.
- Thank you.

- Colonel--
- major.

Now, colonel, tell me,
what is really disturbing you?

Well, doctor, you see,
I keep getting these
fantastic dreams.

Oh?
Tell me about them.

Well, it's always the same
dream.i dream that I am
secretary of the army

And I'm sitting
in the president's office

And word comes
that all of my men
have been captured.

And in a flash
I realize that
I'm out of a job.

Well, people often dream
of having great power.

I myself
frequently dream

That I am a ruler
of a latin american
country.

Do you need
a secretary of the army?

a great many men
who bear

A grave responsibility
for their nation's safety

Find the burden
too great at times.

Now many of my patients

Find certain relief

by sharing these burdens
with their psychiatrist.

You really think
that will help, doctor?

I know it would.

Now would you like to
tell me about your work?

All right, doctor.
You know, I'm with
m*ssile research

And we just sent
a rocket up yesterday.

- Is that so?
- yes.

Do you know, doctor,
that that rocket reached
a maximum speed

Of 185,000 miles
per hour?

Fantastic!
At what stage did it
reach that speed?

Just before it crashed.

Where was that?

Downtown albuquerque.

I see.
How very unfortunate.

Yes, and I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't mention
it, doctor.

You know how the press is--
get ahold of something
like this,

Right away they'll try
to make something out of it.

I have a feeling
the public will find out
sooner or later, though.

why is that?

It was televised.

I see.
Is there
anything else?

Let me see...
Yes, doctor.

You see, I'm working
on a top secret space
vehicle of my own.

What is
this space vehicle?

Gossamer wings.

Gossamer wings?

A trip to the moon
on gossamer wings.

And what happened?

It was just one
of those things.

- Colonel smart--
- [ file drawer bumps ]

Excuse me.
I must see what's
going on out there.

I'll bet that's my wife.
She has a cleaning fetish!

Mrs. Smart.

Your files are filthy.

I apologize for the
condition of my files,
mrs. Smart,

But I lost my secretary
only yesterday.

That was very
careless of you.

No doubt.
Now would you mind
sitting down?

[ Sighs ]

And your chair is dusty.

Please relax,
mrs. Smart.

I must get back
to my patient.

Admiral:
i had to order the third fleet
to the mediterranean.

Is my wife all right?

Yes, colonel smart,

If that's really
your name.

Your wife's
all right.

But I'm afraid
you're not.

- Markovich?
- yes, sir?

The young woman in
the front office--

Bring her in here.

right.

What is the
meaning of this?

I saw you searching
my office, colonel.

- That's part
of my neurosis.
- Yeah?

Well, it's a neurosis that
you'll never live to cure.

There's no one
out here.

Well, the building's locked.
She can't get away.

We'll take care
of the colonel first,

Then we'll get the girl.

Dr. Braam,
you're a sick man.

Max, in here.

They're both
in the phone booth.

How convenient.

Good work, 99.
You're a lifesaver.

They'll never think
of looking in here.
After they've gone by

We can sneak back
and get out a window.

Right. There's no place

Safer in the world to hide
than a phone booth.

Max, water!

Let's go.

- 99, We're locked in.
- But how?

I don't know. The doors
must seal automatically

- When the water
is released.
- Oh!

This is some kind
of shatterproof glass.


Ordinary phone booth.

Max, what do we do?

I don't know.
If I had a g*n we could
blast our way out.

- I've got a g*n!
- Oh good, give it to me!

Oh, no, I left it in
my purse in dr. Braam's
waiting room.

Max, your telephone shoe!
We can call the chief!

Right!

- Short circuit, 99.
- Oh no.

If we could only
call the chief.

Wait.we're in
a phone booth.

Of course we're--

Right, 99.


All I have is a quarter.

Oh, max,
use the quarter!

Use a quarter
for a 10¢ phone call?


Around like that

You'll have nothing left
for a rainy day.

Max, hurry!

Oh, all right.

Oh...

operator.

Hello, operator?
Now listen to me
and listen carefully--

I want you to get me
a special washington
phone number.

This is a
top-secret number.

Only a few people
know it.

I want you to forget it
the minute that I tell it
to you.

The number is 628-3097.

oh, you want control.

- one moment please.
- [ line ringing ]

Chief: hello?

Hello, chief.
This is max.

Listen, chief, you want
to hear something funny?

I'm drowning
in a phone booth.

Drowning
in a phone booth?

Yes, chief.
You see, what I told
you about miss sloan--

That was right.
She didn't drown
in the river.

Max, please tell
him where we are!

Oh, right, 99.

Chief, I think we're gonna
need help in a hurry.

- Where are you, max?
- Uh--

Operator:
i'm sorry.
your time is up.

insert 10¢ more, please.

But, operator, I don't
have any more change

And this is a matter
of life and death.

that's what
they all say, sir.

[ click ]

Max, the water, it's rising.
What are we gonna do?

Take big swallows.

Listen, 99, I think
we can buy some time

If one of us
helps the other one
up on their shoulder.

- Good thinking, 86.
- Give me a boost up.

No, max, wouldn't it
be better if I got on
your shoulders?

Right, 99, okay.

What's wrong, max?


Give me a "one-two-three, up."

[ Groans ]

One-two-three,
up!

Now what's wrong?

Well, your "one-two-three"
was nice,

But your "up"
was a little sloppy.

Oh, max, hurry!

Right.
And be careful
with your ring, 99.

- Oh, max!
- What?

My ring--
it's a diamond!

So what?

[ Gasps ]
it cuts glass.

That filing cabinet
nearly empty, markovich?

Just about, doctor.
What are we gonna do?

I'm going to get
these papers back to kaos

Then I'm getting out
of the country.

What about me?

You'll stay here,
get rid of the bodies

And join me
at the airport tonight.

Anybody got a towel?

- Smart!
- that's right.

Now just take it easy,
get up, and raise your hands.

Come on, you too.
Up!

Well, dr. Braam,
it looks like your
little game is over.

And so it must
always end

For those who use
the human brain
for evil

Instead of
friendliness.

How did you get out
of that booth?

As a psychiatrist,
dr. Braam,

You should have realized
the type of man you were
dealing with--

resourceful, cunning,

A man who thinks fast

And does a very nice
job under pressure.

I want to know how you
got out of that booth.



To cut our way through
the glass of the booth.

Very clever, smart.

Thank you.

You see, dr. Braam,
you never really had
a chance.

behind you stands
the kaos high command,

But behind me
is the chief--

A silent,
dedicated man

Who would willingly
send men to their death
to overcome you.

there's just one question
i'd like to ask, dr. Braam.

Yeah?

As a psychiatrist,
do you think you
can help him?

Come in, max.

- That was good work
you did last night.
- Thank you, chief.

Tell me, did you find
any firm evidence
of espionage

That will stand up
in court?

I certainly did.

Wait till you
hear this, chief.

Max's voice:
but behind me
is the chief--

a silent,
dedicated man

who would willingly
send men to their death--

Uh, there's a lot
of good stuff in there,
chief.

So I see.

Well, that business about
sending men to their death--

I didn't mean that, chief.

But you're right.

I did nearly send you
and 99 to your deaths.

But that is my job,

and it's a filthy job.

I wonder how
it all started.

Why don't you
tell me about it,
chief?

Well, I guess it all
started when I was
a child.

I was different somehow
from other children--

Sort of an outcast.

Then I started having
this recurring dream

That I was
secretary of the army

And I was in
the president's office

And word came to me
that all my men
had been captured.

In one blinding flash
it came to me that...

...you were
out of a job.

How did you know?

I lost my job
the same way, chief.

[ theme music playing ]