01x21 - Dear Diary

[bunniefuu]

[ knocking ]

- Who is it?
- maxwell smart,
agent 86 of control.

Ah, I see it reached
control's headquarters.

Yes, but it's been
a long time since
we received

A message
by carrier pigeon.

Oh, we're
pretty old-fashioned
here in spy city.

After all, this is
a retirement home
for secret agents.

Yes.is this pigeon
also retired?

- Not yet.
- Well, he should be.

He couldn't find
his way back here.

Well, this is certainly
a nice place you've got here.

Well, it's not very much,
but I call it home.

Well, I can't tell you
how much I've been

Looking forward
to meeting you,
mr. Gaffer.

I'm flattered.

I didn't think anyone
even remembered who I am.

Remembered you?
Are you kidding?

Herbert gaffer,
the world-famous
control agent #4?

my gosh, you're a legend
in your own time.

- Thank you.
-As a matter of fact,

I've patterned myself
after you.

i've copied your technique
and your style.

- Sorry about that.
- It's all right.

Your message said
something about someone

Trying to break
into your room.

Now why would anyone
want to do that?

Probably just
to read my diary.

Sorry about that.

- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.

Why don't we
talk over there,
away from the table?

Now what's all this
about a diary, mr. Gaffer?

Well, I've been keeping
a personal diary

Ever since I first
became an agent.

I'm afraid it contains
a lot of secret information

About our code system
and our personnel

And the location of all
of our control bases.

- I'm shocked.
- I know.

To think that someone
would want to look

At someone else's
personal diary!

Well, I want to turn
the diary over to control
for safekeeping.

That's a good idea,
gaffer.

I have it hidden.
Shall I get it now?

Yes.

Keep talking.

Uh, I'll feel a lot better
turning the diary
over to you.

It will be much safer
in control headquarters.

There's nobody there.

Well, that's funny.

There's nobody here
either.

[ theme music playing ]

Chief, I think
I've got it figured out.

Now see if this makes
any sense to you.

Whoever took gaffer
from his room probably
wanted his diary.

Right, max.and we've
got to find it first.

If the information
in that diary should ever
fall into enemy hands,

It will mean
the end of control.
We'd be finished.

Chief,

Here's the layout
for spy city.

Now this is
the original plan
and shows

All of the secret rooms,
passages and panels.

This might help
give you an idea
of where

Both gaffer
and the diary
could be hidden.

Wait a minute, chief.
This is a little faded.

Shouldn't we activate
the magna-lamp?

I can see it fine.

Well, we don't want to miss
any of the little details.

We don't need
the magna-lamp, max.

Well, chief,
is either the magna-lamp

Or the cone of silence,
take your choice.

Oh, please, max.
I don't think
I could stand

Another session
with the cone
of silence.

All right,
the magna-lamp.

Right, chief.
I'll turn it on.

[ Electricity buzzing ]

Now there's a spot
where the diary
could be hidden.

- Where, chief?
- Right there
where I'm pointing.

I can't see
your finger, chief.

- Can you, 99?
- I can't even
see you, max.

Well, I'm standing
right next to you...

I think.
Wait a minute,
I'll take your hand.

There.

That's my hand, max.

Good.now I can
see where you're
pointing, chief.

I'm not pointing now.
I can't even see
the plans anymore!

Turn off the lamp!

Turn it off, max.

I can't find
the switch, chief.

Never mind.you can look
at the plan on your way
to spy city.

If you need
any assistance
while you're there,

See my old
friend, agent 8,

And use
contact plan 6.

- Right, chief.
- And anything else
you might need,

See our retired lab man,
professor bush.

He was a friend of gaffer,
and might be a good man
to look up first.

We'd better hurry, chief.
Whoever kidnapped
mr. Gaffer

It's going to be
trying to make
him talk.

Is going to be a race
to see who finds
that diary first.

Max:
don't worry about a thing.

Nothing can go wrong
once I get a look
at the plans

For spy city.

Gaffer, they'll never
think to look for you here

Right under
their very noses.

Now are you gonna tell me
where the diary is hidden?

No.

I'll never tell.

You can save yourself
a lot of pain.

I'm gonna
find it anyway.

Someone's coming.

That'll keep you quiet.

- [ running footsteps ]
- [ door opens ]

Man #2:
just let me get
this light on.

I invented most
of the devices you see here

In our spy city museum.

Yes, well, that's all
very interesting,
professor,

But we really
don't have time
to look around.

You were very close
to mr. Gaffer,
weren't you?

Oh, yes.herb and I
were good buddies.

I sure hope he's okay.

Oh, I invented
the first micro-dot,
you know,

Showed control
how they can write
an entire message

On one single dot.
Look, here's the first one
I made.

Max:
yes, well, that's
very nice professor,

But what happens if you
get a larger message?

Oh, you write smaller.

Yes, and I introduced
the first sil*ncer
too, see?

But this looks like
an ordinary g*n to me.
Where's the sil*ncer?

Right here.

Just before
you pull the trigger,

You scream
as loud as you can,

And that covers
the sound of the g*nsh*t.

Professor, we're looking
for mr. Gaffer's diary.

It's very important
that we find it.

Do you have
any idea where
it might be hidden?

I didn't know where
old herb kept a diary.

Max:
well, thank you
very much, professor.

Uh, just one more thing--

You said you know some
of mr. Gaffer's friends.

Oh, yes.they're
in the recreation room.

It's this way.

Hey, very good.

Those two live
on the same floor

As herb gaffer.
The man is
george newfield,

And the lady is
agnes davenport,

Security agent 11,
retired.

If you want me
for anything

I'll be in my room.

- I'll check out newfield.
- I'll check agnes davenport.

I have a way with women.

Pardon me, aren't you
agnes davenport,

Control's former
top security agent?

Oh now, you know
who I am.i saw bush
pointing me out.

Yes, well, you can't be too
careful about these things.

No, you can't.
And who are you,
young man?

Maxwell smart,
agent 86 of control.

Oh, well, now how do I
know you're from control?

Well, I'll
prove it to you.

Okay, you're clear.

It's a good thing
for her she's retired.

Max, mr. Newfield
never even heard
of mr. Gaffer's diary.

Oh?how about
you, tiger?

Diary?
[ Chuckles ]

I didn't even
know he kept one.

Keep an eye on her, 99.
I don't trust her.

And don't make
any sudden moves
for your wallet.

Max, I think we'd better
search mr. Gaffer's room.

We will, as soon
as I contact agent 8.

Right.see you
in a few minutes.

- Agent 8?
- Yes?

Maxwell smart,
agent 86 from control.
I was told to contact you.

Oh, good.no one has
contacted me in years.

Listen, I have a big
backlog of messages here.

Some of them were here
when I came,

Pinned to the
bulletin board.

"The british are coming"?

"Please notify me
immediately

If there is any truth
to a wild rumor

That indians are
on the warpath."

I can't make out
the signature.

General custer.

You'd better get those
back to control
right away.

They're probably
waiting for them.

Yes, well, right now
I'm looking for herb
gaffer's diary.

- I don't suppose you know
anything about that?
- of course I do!

Everyone here knows
about old herb's diary.

Diary.gaffer.yeah.

[ Chuckles ]
I thought I remembered it.

He left this with me--
"if anything happens to me

and you want to locate
my diary, think of this:

'Birds of a feather
flock together.'"

That's the lead
I've been hoping for.

"Birds of a feather
flock together."

Well, then that must
mean that the diary

Is hidden somewhere
near birds.

And his whole room
is filled with birds.

Thank you, eight.

Don't slam
the dartboard.

Well, we've examined all
the birds in the room, max.

- I guess the diary isn't here.
- Yes, so I suppose you're
right, 99.

Max, look.

Here's something.

A painting of birds.
I bet the diary is
behind it.

No.not there.

Well, I guess we've
run out of birds.

Not quite yet, 99.

We overlooked
one thing.

What is it?

A book.

"Birds of the usa."

- Find something?
- Yes.

- What?
- A yellow-bellied sapsucker.

Max, look.

I made the same mistake
once before, 99.

It's the wrong drape.

Come out
with your hands up!

- Not you, max.
- Oh.

Well, it's our old
friend the handyman.

It's not on him, 99.

So you haven't found
the diary either.

Don't worry. We will.

did you hear that, 99?

- He said "we."
- yes.

Obviously he's in this
with a friend.

[ g*nsh*t ]

He sure didn't pick
his friends too carefully.

- Newfield.
- Present.

- Bush.
- Present.

- Davenport.
- Present.

Okay, all present
and accounted for.

Now you've
all been assigned
an area to search

And I want each
of you to be sure
to cover your area

- Thoroughly.
- I suppose there is
a reason why we are

Searching areas
where there are birds.

Yes.mr. Gaffer
left us a clue:

"Birds of a feather
flock together."

So agent 86 is certain
that the diary is hidden
near birds.

- Don't worry.
- We'll find it.

Oh, it's great
to be back
in action.

Is this a complete list?

I mean, are you sure
there are no other places

Around spy city
where birds can be found?

Like, say, right here
in this recreation room?

Of course not.
It's impossible.

I made up
that list myself.
I know my business.

Yes, I'm sure you do.

In that case,
you can cover the last
place on the list--

The birdbath.


Just left this room.

You mean that one
of those three is also
an enemy agent, right?

Wrong.it's our man
in the dartboard.

Agent 8?
But he can't be, max.
He's such a sweet old man.

Besides, he's helping us.
He's the one that
made up the list.

Yes, and conveniently
left out one place--

Right here
in his own territory.

You know what this is?
It's a badminton shuttlecock,

Also known as a "bird."


Said those other three

Knew about gaffer's diary.
I'm absolutely, positively,

Completely
and firmly
convinced

That agent 8 is
the double agent.

Agent 8 is
the chief's
best friend.

On the other hand,
that agnes what's-her-name

Has very shifty eyes.

I'll tell you
what we'll do, 99--

I'll search for the diary,
you'll look out for agent 8.

Now if I don't
find anything, I'll put
everything back the way it was

And he'll never
know that he was
under suspicion.

Right.

No.

Never tell where diary is.

You might as well k*ll me.

Never talk.

- Max, did you find anything?
- Nothing.

- [ door closes ]
- max, I think I hear
agent 8 coming.

You'd better put
that stuff back in a hurry.

Max, he's coming.

I checked the birdbath.
No sign of the diary.

That'll be all
for now, 8.i'll call you
if I need you.

Don't slam the dartboard.

Well, he's not
the double agent.

Well, then it must be
one of the others.

You'll get your
chance to prove it.
Here they come.

Good.i'll try
maneuver x-14 on them.

But maneuver x-14
has never worked, max.

Well, there's
always a first time.

Besides, it's got
a wonderful element
of surprise.

Newfield, bush, davenport,
give me an immediate answer
to this question--

I want a straight yes or no--
is one of you a double agent?

No!

So much for x-14.

Now how about the diary?

No one could find it.

Well, that means
that someone has
beaten us to it,

Or one of those birds
is the double agent.

Newfield:
maybe it still hasn't
been found, smart.

There's one way
we could be certain.

- Oh?how?
- by setting a trap.

Miss davenport,
professor bush
and I

Will tell
everyone
at spy city

That you are sure
that the diary is still
in herb gaffer's room.

then if someone
attempts to prowl around
and search the room again,

you'll know that it hasn't
been found yet.

I like that, newfield.

But unless we leave
the room completely
unguarded,

- Nobody will go near it.
- that's part of the trap.

You can use professor
bush's invisible dust.

Oh, yes,
my invisible dust.

But there's
nothing in here.

That's why it's called
"invisible dust."

Five minutes after it's
on the prowler's shoes,
it turns black

And leaves tracks wherever
the prowler has stepped.

That's ingenious,
professor.

Yes, but just one
thing, professor--

How do you get him to stick
his foot into the pail?

The dust is
sprinkled on
the floor.

Probably right in front
of the door, max.

If you don't mind, 99,
I'd like to handle this.

Now my idea is this--
we sprinkle the dust
on the floor

Right in front
of the doorway.

Bush:
then it's settled.

I'll go do it.
Give me half an hour,

And then you can
check the room.

We can use that half hour
to look for mr. Gaffer, max.

Forget about gaffer, 99.
There's no point in even
looking for him.

He's not in this
room, he's not in
the recreation hall,

And I have a feeling
he's not within 10
miles of spy city.

Believe me, 99, I have
an incredibly keen sense
about these things.

- Newfield's idea worked.
- Now we know for sure

That someone is still
looking for the diary.

Yes, but this is
all very confusing, 99.

the footsteps lead in
and then they lead out again.

We'll just have
to follow them
until they stop.

This could be dangerous.
Do you have your g*n?

- Yes.we'd better use
our silencers, 99.
- Why?

- Well, after all, this is
a retirement community.
- I know that.

People go to sleep early.
Hey, you don't want to wake
everybody up, do you?

Look, 99, he had another
pair of shoes waiting.

The old shoe switch.

Yes, that's the second
time I've fallen for it
this month.

- [ gaffer groans ]
- what's the matter, 99?

- Nothing.
- Didn't you groan?

- No, I thought you did.
- No, it wasn't me.

If it wasn't me
and it wasn't you

Then it couldn't be
anybody else except

That dummy lying over there
on the t*rture rack.

[ Groaning ]

- Do dummies groan?
- No.not unless they're
in great pain.

- [ Groaning ]
- that one is.

That's no dummy.
That's mr. Gaffer.

- Thank you.
- Are you all right?

Fine, I think.

- 99, Get those shackles off.
- Right.

Mr. Gaffer, we looked
everywhere for your diary,

But we couldn't find it.
It wasn't near any birds.

Well, birds had nothing
to do with it, smart.

- They didn't?
- No.

The clue was
"birds of a feather
flock together."

now you start
by eliminating all
the unnecessary words,

Which leaves you
with the necessary word.

Now there are 28
letters in the clue.
I'm agent 4.

you divide 28 by four,
and you arrive at seven.

now there are six
words in the clue,

But only one word
with seven letters--

"Feather."

It's so simple.
I should've thought
of it myself.

And...

Here is the diary,
right behind this feather.

I'll take it.

And your g*ns too.

Now take them out
very slowly.

put them right
there on the case

very carefully.

Now get your hands up
and back away from the case.

But you're the one
that suggested the trap
and the invisible dust.

Of course he did, 99.
He deliberately set
those footprints

Knowing they'd lead us
to mr. Gaffer and he'd
tell us about the diary.

- Duck.
- [ b*ll*ts ricochet ]

Professor bush's umbrella,
right behind you.

- [ g*nsh*t ]
- gaffer: open it up.

the umbrella part
is a shield.

Hey, I thought you said
this was a shield.

It is, but I just remembered--
not against b*ll*ts.

- [ g*nsh*t ]
- [ groans ]

Well, I certainly have
to give professor bush
credit.

This is a wonderful
g*n...

If it doesn't rain.

What I don't understand
is why did miss davenport

And professor bush
pretended they've never
heard of your diary.

Well, they
knew it contained
control secrets

And they wanted
to protect my reputation.

That's right, 99.
After all, mr. Gaffer
is still one of the best.

He's my idol.
Did you know
that mr. Gaffer

Once captured
with machine g*ns?

Would you believe it?
Machine g*ns.

I find that
very hard to believe.

Would you believe
four K*llers with knives?

I don't think so.

How about
a mean little kid
with a peashooter?

Max, don't you think it's
about time we got going?

Max:
in a minute, 99.

Mr. Gaffer, I've never
asked anyone this before,

But I wonder if you'd mind
giving me your autograph.

Certainly.

Oh, sorry about that.

- Now where do you
want me to sign?
- Oh, right here.

Oh.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Come on, 99,
I want to get home
as quickly as possible.

- Why, max?
- I want to write all
this down in my diary.

[ theme music playing ]