01x28 - Ship of Spies: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[ g*nshots ]

Max, what's happening?
Answer me!

Listen, 99, this may be
a little optimistic,

But if I can
hold out until morning

- At least I can see
who's sh**ting at--
- [ g*nsh*t ]

Max, do you need help?

No no, I wouldn't
come up here, 99.

- [ g*nsh*t ]
- it's a rotten night.

Hold on, max,
I'm coming right up.

My door's locked
from the outside.
I can't open it.

[ Screams ]

Max!

Where are you?!

In the water!

Hang on, max!

[ Air hissing ]

Max:
99, hurry!

Hang on, max!

Max:
99, hurry!

i can't hold on
much longer!

Here it comes, max!

That's it, max.
Hang on, you're almost here.

Come on, max,
a little further.

- Oh.
- [ Panting ]

- Fast work, 99.
- Max, can you get
through the porthole?

I don't think so.

Can you hang on
until I get some help?

- Yes, but hurry up, 99.
- Right, max.

Max, would you
like an umbrella?

No, 99, forget
the umbrella.

Hurry up, get help.
I can't hang on much longer.

Right, max.

But max,
the door's locked.

sh**t it off!

Right.

Oh, max.

[ theme music playing ]

[ Foghorn blaring ]


That this is the section
of the rail that gave way.

I'm sure you're right, max.
But look, there's not
a sign of any damage.

Yes, well just
put two and two
together and that means--

That someone fixed it
quietly during the night.

Or else the entire
ship has been replaced.

- Oh, max.
- Well, you have to look
at all possibilities, 99.

[ clip-clopping ]

- Did you bring your portable
hair dryer with you?
- Yes, it's right here.

- Let's go and contact
the chief.
- Right.

Come on, we'll go
over here.

[ Clip-clopping ]

This is 99 calling control.
Come in, control.

Hello, 99, this is the chief.
Give me your report.

Well, here's
the situation, chief.

Last night someone
tried to k*ll max.

Chief:
how is he?

Oh, he's fine,
chief, just fine.

Have you
established contact

With inspector sehokian?

- 99: he's dead, chief.
- dead?how'd it happen?

He was stabbed last night
just about an hour
after we sailed.

- Was he able
to tell you anything?
- Well, just before he died

He tried to tell us
something about the plans

For the nuclear
amphibian battleship.

Did he tell you
who stole them?

No, all he said was
that the plans are not plans.

- And what about suspects?
- There's a senorita merendez

who's a spanish dancer.

And there's a hector baccardo,
a portuguese polo player.

- Let me talk to 86.
- Right, chief.

Max, he wants
to talk to you.

Hi, chief, this is max.

Chief:
max, are there any clues?

No, chief,
just that clip-clop sound
I was telling you about.

Does anyone onboard
make that noise?

Everyone onboard
makes that noise.

Max...

I think I'll get a helicopter
and come out there.

Don't be ridiculous, chief,
I can handle this case.

We can't take
the chance of those plans

For the nuclear
amphibian battleship

Falling into enemy hands.
We must find them.

Don't worry, chief.
I'll find 'em.

And when I do,
I'll contact you.

Okay.

But try to keep your identity
as secret as possible.

Don't worry, chief.
I know how to be inconspic--

--Uous.

With all this
dampness in the air,

I can never do
a thing with my hair.

Yeah,
they're wonderful.

Yes, especially when it
starts to curl up on the--

Max!

Come on, 99.
Let's get out of here.

Max, look out!

Max!

This was an obvious
attempt on your life.

Either that, or somebody
else was having trouble
with this chair.

Look, max,
they got our radio.

- Now, what are we gonna do?
- I'm going down to see
the captain.

- Do you think
it'll do any good?
- Well, I don't know, 99,

But we've gotta
take the chance.

He may know something
about the other passengers
that we don't.

Right. Max, look!
There's groman's
chinese servant.

[ Clip-clopping ]

Pardon me, mate.
Can you tell me where
I can find captain groman?

[ Speaks chinese ]

He's got a very bad
speech impediment.

It's chinese, max.

That's the worst kind.

[ Speaks chinese ]

[ Speaking chinese ]

What did he say?

[ Speaks chinese ]

- In english.
- Oh, the captain's
in his cabin.

Well, I'm going down there.
You stay up here

- And see if you can keep
him busy for a few minutes.
- Right.

[ Speaks chinese ]

- [ Knocking ]
- avast!

Hard to starboard!
Full rudder!

watch your stern!

Pardon me, captain.
I wonder if I could
have a word with you.

Come forward, sir,
let me look at you.

- Captain, I'd like to--
- don't be afraid, sir.

This old sea monster
has lost most of his
teeth a long time ago.

- Yes, well--
- 35 years of wind
and salt spray

In this battered old face;
these eyes staring into
the blinding sun

Or inky darkness.

But the old walrus
hasn't lost his bark.

The swabbies still jump
at the sound of his voice.

Hard to port,
all full ahead!

Aren't you gonna
write any of this down?

Yes, but--
write it down?!

No, captain, you see,
I just wanted to talk with you.

Wait a minute.
Aren't you the fellow
from the magazine?

I don't think
I understand you, captain.

The man from
"time" magazine, the one
who's gonna interview me.

I think you've
made a mistake, sir.

Of course.

It's just that
I've waited so long.

They've never
written me up.

Nimitz, halsey, rickover.
All of them.

the admirals, the captains,
the commodores,

All of them but me.

- Sorry about that.
- you're sorry!

It's easy for you to say!
You haven't spent
a lifetime at sea!

Hating it!
Seasick all the time!

The sound of the waves!
The constant dampness!

The rolling of the ship!

Up and down
and up and down!

And up and down--

I'm sorry, captain,
but do you mind if I
sit down for a moment?

Of course.

Now, what can
I do for you?

Well, captain,
I need your help.

But first I must
reveal to you

Some information
that is highly
confidential.

You may consider me
the soul of discretion.

My name is maxwell smart.

I shall never breathe it
to another living soul.

- Uh, no, sir, that's not it.
- Please continue.

Well, you see
I'm a secret agent
working for...

- Control.
- Control?

You work for control?

- You've heard of it?
- No.

Oh. Captain, somebody
onboard your ship

Has stolen the plans

For the nuclear
amphibian battleship.

Mr. Smart, I can
vouch for my crew.

I know each man as though
he were my own brother.

Why, they're the pick
of the scum of europe!

Well you see, sir,
it's not one of your crew.

It's one of
the passengers.

Whoever it is has
already k*lled two men,

One right here onboard
this ship last night!

You mean...

There is a dead person
onboard my ship?

- Yes sir.
- Hmm.

That may be an omen
of bad luck.

Isn't that kind of
an old superstition,
captain?

Try telling that
to the corpse!

Yes.

Captain, I've got
to get those plans back.

So far the k*ller and thief
has only left me one clue--

And I haven't been able to
do anything with that yet.

And what's that, sir?

Well, when he walks
he makes a strange

Kind of a clip-clop sound.

- A clip-clop sound?
- Yes, a clip-clop sound.

Rest assured, sir
I shall do everything in
my power to assist you.

My servant ming can help us.
Perhaps you've seen him.

Oh yes, the big
chinese fella.

Chinese?

Good heavens, of course!
He's chinese!

I wondered why he was
so hard to understand.

I thought he had
a speech impediment.

Yes.

Well, thank you very much
for your help, captain.

Don't thank me, sir.
It'll be a pleasure
to help you.

Perhaps it will relieve
the monotony of the voyage.

And I shall listen
for that sound you
told me about.

Yes, a clip-clop noise.

Yes, a clip-clop noise.

[ Clip-clopping ]

[ Buzzes ]

[ Phone rings ]

- Yes, max.
- Hello, 99?

I just tried
to call you and your
line was busy.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was cleaning my g*n.

Well be careful.
Anything can happen
around here.

Max, did you find out
anything from captain groman?

No, but he's gonna
try and help us.

[ water splashes ]

Hold it, 99.
There's a message
written on my porthole.

Must be from 44.

Max, there's a message
on my porthole too.

Mine says,
"unless pursued,
open no doors."

And mine says,
"eels can k*ll,
not only wound."

I think 44 is
finally cracking up.

Max, it must be
some kind of code.

He must be trying
to tell us something.

Max: but what?

Max, tell me
the first letter

Of every word
in your message.

"U, p, o, n, d."

And mine are
"e, c, k, n, o, w."

And put them all
together and they spell...

Max!
"Up on deck now."


To meet him!

Right, 99.
Now listen to me

And listen to me
very carefully--

We've got to get up there
and contact 44.

But I want you to
leave your stateroom

Without being observed
by anybody.

- Have you got that?
- Right, max.

- I'll see you up there then.
- Right. Over and out.

[ Knocks ]

- [ Bangs ]
- 44?

We've looked
everywhere, max.

I don't think
he's up here.

Neither do i.

- Who are you looking for?
- We're looking for agent 44.



What took you
so long to get here?

First of all we had
to decode that message
you left on the porthole.

Oh, was it hard?

You know, secret messages
are one of my specialties.

I've seen harder.

Max figured
it out right away.


well, you wait
until next time.

I've got a humdinger.
You'll never get it.

What are you
talking about, 44?

What good is a secret message
if nobody can understand it?

Listen, 86, I don't have
much fun on this job.

There's no mingling with
the glamorous passengers,

No deck tennis,
no gala evenings at
the captain's table.

No no, not for me.

Take it easy, 44.
Take it easy.

I mean, a spy can
only take so much--

Funnels and portholes

And sleeping in
the cargo hold.

Hiding, always hiding!

[ Crying ]
I want to come in
from the cold!

[ Sobs quietly ]

We understand how you
feel, 44, honestly we do.

But you've really got to
try to get a grip on yourself.

Here, blow.

[ foghorn blows ]

Take it easy, 44.

Now what was it you
were going to tell us?

- You won't tell them about
this back at headquarters?
- Oh, of course not.

We understand
what you've been
going through.

The chief
wouldn't like it.

Sometimes it helps
to have a good cry.

Try telling that
to the chief. He hates
to have his men cry.

- He's right, you know.
- It'll be our secret.

You're very understanding.

Don't you have some kind
of secret information for us?

oh yes, almost forgot.

You know that portuguese
polo player?

- Hector baccardo.
- The one in the
wheelchair.

Right.
Well he's not what
he pretends to be.

- I knew it, I knew it!
- He's polish.

Of course.
Portuguese are
terrible polo players!

And he knows something
about those stolen plans.

- How do you know that?
- I was up on deck today

Taking a little suntan in
that smokestack over there.

Baccardo was talking
to that senorita merendez.

- What were they
talking about?
- About the plans.

He said to her
that if you'll help me

I'll make it
worth your while.

- Go on. What else?
- And he said that no one
would ever know

Where the plans were hidden
because they weren't plans.

- What does that mean?
- I think I know.

Well, go ahead
and tell us.

I bet you don't think
I'm so inept now, do you?

I never said
you were inept, 44.

No no, but I can
read between the lines.

Look, 44, are
you gonna tell us
what you know?

No.


If you don't tell us
what you know

I'm gonna tell the chief
about your crying.

- You wouldn't.
- Just try me.

Okay, here it is--

If the plans aren't plans,
then they're probably--

- [ g*nsh*t ]
- [ 44 groans ]


And take care of 44.

- I'm going after him.
- Be careful, max.

Come on, 44,
I'll get you out of there.
Hold on, now.

Baccardo!

Well, I see you can walk.

Not only can I walk,
mr. Smart,

But I can also k*ll.

I'm warning you, get away
from that wheelchair.

Missed!
And you're all out
of wheelchairs.

What else have you got
up your sleeve, baccardo?

I had to ask.

[ Grunts ]

Max!
Baccardo!

He's out of
his wheelchair.

Yes, and he's
been acting very
suspiciously.


And keep an eye on him.

I'm going to make
a complete report of
this to the captain

And see if I can
use the ship's radio
to contact control.

Right, max.

- Captain!
- what do you want?

Captain, this
is an emergency.
I must use your radio.

You can't get
any good stations
this far out, mr. Smart.

If you can't sleep
I suggest you take
a pill.

You don't understand,
captain.

I understand that
you've barged into
my quarters

Without an invitation, sir.
That's what I understand.

Captain, I have to
use your shortwave.

I must contact
my headquarters.

I believe I have found
the man who stole the plans

For the nuclear
amphibian battleship!

Have you?
Have you indeed, sir?

This is most interesting news.
And who might that person be?

Hector baccardo,
the crippled portuguese
polo player

Who is not a cr*pple,
who is not portuguese,

And who is probably
not a polo player.

A villain!
I sensed it the moment
I set eyes on him.

Mr. Smart, I'll take you
to the radio room myself.

[ clip-clopping ]

What's the matter, sir?

What are you staring at?
Is it my leg?

No, I've seen legs before.

It's that wooden job
I'm looking at.

Ah yes, a souvenir
of my younger years,

When I was still a lad.

You've heard of
the great white whale.

That was done
by the great white whale?

No, that was done by
a small blue convertible.

An automobile accident?

Yes, and it ruined
a promising career
as a tap dancer.

But that clip-clop noise--

Ah yes,
that clip-clop noise.

You mentioned that before.
What is it again?

It's the noise
the k*ller made when
he walked.

Certainly, sir,
I am not under suspicion.

After all,
I was on the bridge
steering the ship

When that man was
stabbed in his cabin.

Then how did you know
he was stabbed?

Did I say stabbed?
I meant k*lled.

Captain groman, I think you
and I better have a little talk.

You fool!
Look what you've done!
You've ruined my model.

I'll have you flogged,
keelhauled-- I'll sue you!

So that's it!

The nuclear amphibian
battleship made into a model!

All right, groman,
get behind the desk.
Come on, move out.

You'll never get off
this ship alive.

Listen, if I don't get off
this ship alive, you're
in a lot of trouble.

Of course, I'm in
a lot of trouble too,
but on the other hand--

[ Phone rings ]

Excuse me.
My phone is ringing.
Hello, 99?

Drop the phone, smart!

[ b*llet ricochets ]

Now wait a minute, groman.
You're getting a little
out of line.

Don't move!
This is a .45 caliber leg

- And it's loaded.
- Of course!

The old g*n-in-
the-peg-leg trick.

That's the second time
I've fallen for it this year.

Now say goodbye,
mr. Smart.

- [ Groans ]
- ming!

[ Clip-clopping ]

- Max!
- [ g*nsh*t ]

Good shot, 99.

Max, it was
captain groman.

Yes, one of
the most clever

And ingenious villains
I've ever encountered.

It was he who
stole the plans,

k*lled our waterfront
contact man, m*rder*d
inspector sehokian,

almost fed me to
the sharks,

Wounded agent 44,
tried to sh**t me
with one leg

And s*ab me
with another.

You know,
it's a shame, 99.

- All this could
have been avoided.
- How?

If only he had only
used his leg for good

Instead of evil.

Chief, are you sure you want
to take the helicopter back?

Why don't you sail back
with us, chief? It'd be
a nice rest for you.

No, I want
to get that model
back to washington.

I'll leave
larrabee to watch
the other passengers.

Larrabee, go below
and keep an eye on 'em.

Good idea, chief.
Those freelance spies
are really a shifty lot.

At least we got
baccardo on an attempted
m*rder charge.

Yes, I guess he thought I had
the plans and was just waiting
for a chance to steal them.

- How's 44, chief?
- Oh, he's all right.

It was only
a superficial wound.

We're going to give him
an assignment on land
for a while.

Oh, that's good.
He's a nice fellow.

Yes, he's a good agent.

If only he could break
that crying habit.

Yes, I've told him
about that, chief.

Watch it, chief!
That's where I went
overboard.

Oh, really?
It looks solid now.

They must have
fixed it up.

This is where
the b*ll*ts hit--

- [ Chief screams ]
- [ 99 gasps ] chief!

Max, I don't believe
some of the things you do!

I don't believe--

Max, do something,
quick!

Hang on, chief!

hold on.
max is coming!

Here it comes, chief!

Hold on, chief.
That's it.

- Here we go.
- Max: hang on, chief!

- That's it, chief.
- Just a little ways more.

Have you got
a good grip, max?

My hands are slipping, chief.
I've gotta wipe them off.

Go right ahead, max.
[ Screams ]

Sorry about that!

Max!

Oh...

Hang on, max!

[ theme music playing ]