02x09 - Rub-a-Dub-Dub... Three Spies in a Sub

[bunniefuu]

Quiet, 99.

One false move and
we're dead agents.

We're a little
behind schedule, max.

The kaos patrol is due in
exactly one minute and 45 seconds.

Right. You check the expl*sives.
I'll open the sealed orders.

Right.



Tear open the side of the
envelope, max. There's no wax there.

Are you kidding?
You can't do that, 99.

That's why they put wax on the
seal. So that you'll break it open.

Max, hurry, we're
running out of time.

You know something, 99? If we
ever get back from this mission alive,

I'm going to put that in the
control suggestion box.

- it's a great idea.
- what idea?

About putting wax all around
the ends of the envelope.

That way you can tear it open
anywhere and still break the seal.

- Give me your nail file, 99.
- Oh, right, max.

Here.

I know it's in here somewhere.

Hurry, max. Only




Oh no.

- Ah, that did it.
- You got it open.

No, I broke my fingernail.

Now I'll have to
find the nail file.

We can't, max. There's not
time... Only 20 seconds left.

How many packets of
expl*sives do we have?

- Uh, two.
- Good.

I'll use one of them to
blow open the envelope.

What is it?

Sounds like a
yellow-bellied sapsucker.

On the other hand it could be

A giant toothless cockatoo.

Max!

All right, get up.

That will be all, larrabee.

Max, this was only
a training exercise.

Tomorrow you're supposed
to go on the real mission.

- I'm ready, chief.
- You're ready? You just got k*lled!

I said I was ready. I
didn't say I was perfect.

Don't worry about opening
those sealed orders, max.

It was just a training session.

The mission will go ahead
tonight as scheduled, sir.

Right.

Thank you for
wishing us luck, sir.

We'll need it.

Max, never mind
about the envelope.

I'll fill you in personally.

Tonight's mission depends
on a split-second timetable.

It certainly is
top secret, chief.

We don't even know
what the objective is.

We wanted to
avoid security leaks.

A number of commercial
cargo ships have been h*jacked

- Over the past six months.
- Kaos?

Yes. They've been committing piracy
on the high seas using submarines.

We've discovered their base on an
island not far from our coastline.

The key to the entire
piracy operation

Is a master computer
located here.

It evaluates shipping data,
cargoes, tides, currents,

And fixes the point of
interception by the kaos submarine.

- Then the computer is our objective.
- Correct.

Our submarine will
take you to the island.

You'll have to slip
past the kaos guards,

work your way through
a network of land mines

There,

Get to the computer
and destroy it.

I like that plan, chief.

It's inventive, imaginative
and brilliantly thought out.

Max, it sounds like a
su1c1de mission to me.

Well, of course it's a
su1c1de mission, 99. So what?

Our next mission will be easier.

After the mission you'll have to signal
our sub where and when to pick you up.

There are powerful blinker
lights built into those earrings.

Very clever, professor carlson.

Then if we get caught

No one will suspect a thing.

Maybe I should wear
the earrings, max.

Oh? Oh, right, 99.

They'll probably look
better on you anyway.

Professor carlson has
another signaling device for you.

Now this looks like an
ordinary fountain pen.

I see. And you just press
this lever to activate it.

- Max!
- What am I supposed to do,

Write the signal
message on my shirt?

No, you press this button

And the pen becomes
a blinker light.


Carlson and draw the special equipment.

Max, you come with me for
the rendezvous briefing.

Hello, gentlemen.
I'm sorry we're late.

This is maxwell smart, agent 86.

Max, this is admiral nelson
of the submarine command,

Admiral jones from
destroyer command.

- Smart.
- Gentlemen.

- Shall we get right to the briefing?
- Right.

Smart, you'll be proceeding from
the mainland at precisely 2100 hours.

The submarine will proceed
southeast to this point...

35° latitude, 68° longitude.



35° latitude, 68° longitude.

You will rendezvous there
with one of his destroyers.

Two destroyers.

two? I thought we agreed on one.

I felt two would be safer.

All right. I'll just match
that with another sub.

That calls for four
more destroyers, john.

You're starting again, horatio.

I'll just call those
four destroyers

And raise you four submarines.

You're bluffing.

Horatio, if you have any guts
we'll make this a real rendezvous.

- No limit.
- You're on!

Well, chief, this looks like
it's gonna be a long session.

I think we'd better send out
for some sandwiches and coffee

And more ships.

- Welcome aboard, agent smart.
- Why thank you, skipper.

We'll be shoving
off in a few minutes.

Belay that! Sorry, the men aren't
accustomed to having a pretty face onboard.

If they like me, wait
till they get a load of 99.

This way, mr. Smart.

My apologies for your quarters,
smart, but we're short on space.

Agent 99 will be using my quarters
and I'll bunk with the executive officer.

Right, skipper.

Want to check out the
special equipment, max?

No, I think I'll just
rest for a while, 99.

You go ahead and
do the briefing.

We have two z-139
land mine detectors...

Two z-139s.

And we have five packets of
e-18 plastic expl*sives and fuses.

Five packets, gotcha.

And one tx-7 long-range
expl*sive launcher.

Listen, 99, why don't you rest
for a while and I'll do the briefing?

This is the spot, mr. Smart.

We're ready to put
you ashore now.

Max, this looks
like a tough one.

Chances are we're not
going to come back alive.

In case we don't, isn't there
anything you'd like to say?

Yes, 99. As long as I have
to go on a su1c1de mission,

I'm glad it's with you.

Right on the nose, 99. Now we've got
two minutes to get past the guards,

Four minutes to work our
way through the land mines,

Find the kaos
computer and blow it up.

This may put us a
little behind schedule.

We're sunk, max. We'll never
complete the mission now.

Maybe not, 99. I've got a plan.

Get ready to hit the
dirt when I say now.

Oh, pardon me, but isn't
your hand grenade loose?

No it isn't. It's
perfectly tight.

They must have heard
the expl*si*n, max.

Yes. In a few minutes

There'll be kaos agents
swarming all over this place.

Come on, 99, let's
get out of here.

Quick, max, only three minutes to
find the computer and blow it up!

Here, take this,


Hold it, 99! We can't go
through those bushes.

It's a minefield. Why, any one of these
berries could blow us to smithereens.

Even that log, max?

not the log, 99,

But our fine feathered
friend the bird b*mb!

Can you deactivate it?

Yes.

All I have to do...

Is pluck it!

Quick, max. We're
behind schedule.

We'll have to set up here and see
if we can find the computer by map.

- Put her down there, 99.
- Right.

Now let's see...






- Why not, max?
- This is a map of san francisco.

Max, you can see the
computer right through there.

Right, perfect. It's
about a 300-yards range.

- Load her up, 99.
- Right, max!

Okay, max,

Fire!

Direct hit, max, right on the
computer building! Quick, light the fuse.

Hurry, max, hurry.

You got another match, 99?

- Why?
- I lit my shoelace.

Good. Signal the sub.

There's a submarine
surfacing, max.

And there goes the computer.

Come on, 99, let's
get out of here.

Everything went
perfectly, from a to z.

Would you believe a to b?

Welcome aboard.
Weapons, please. Hands up!

Siegfried!


On the wrong submarine.

We meet again, maxwell smart.

- There goes my shoe phone again.
- I counted on that.

Take her down to
periscope depth.

- How did you pick us up?
- Simple.

I read your blinker signal.

Siegfried, don't you
know it's not nice to read

Somebody else's blinker signal?

As you go through the
world of espionage, smart,

You will find there are the
good guys and the bad guys.

I happen to be one
of the bad guys.

There's a u.s. Destroyer
out there that can

Blow this submarine
right out of the water.

No, it will not, miss 99.

We will pass through unharmed.

What makes you think so?

Because I have informed your chief
that you are in the hands of kaos.

He would surely not give the
order to sink this submarine

Or you would also be k*lled.

Mmm! He is too loyal.

Don't be too sure
about that, siegfried.

Our chief can be just as
disloyal as anyone else.

I do not believe that... und...

Before we slip out of here I
am going to take my revenge

- On control for blowing up our computer.
- Max: how?

By torpedoing that
unsuspecting destroyer up there.

It's a sitting duck.

- You couldn't do that!
- Oh, yes he could, 99.

As you go through
the world of espionage

You'll learn that some people are
very likeable and easy to get along with.

And then there are
other people who are...

- How does that go, siegfried?
- I'm one of the bad guys!

He's one of the bad guys.

Up periscope!

aha...

The destroyer's
moving out of range

But I can still get it.

Max, we've gotta do something.

Say, siegfried, this sure is a
nice little submarine you got here.

Prepare torpedo!

Would you mind if I
took a little peek?

We don't peek here!

Come on, siegfried, if
this were my submarine

And you were my prisoner
I'd let you take a peek.

Yeah, and while you are peeking

My valuable time is wasting.

And by the time you
get finished peeking

And by the time I get
back to the periscope

The destroyer is out of range.

That trick is stupid!

That trick is dumb!

That trick is childish!

und...

The destroyer is out of range.

Time is growing short.

You have to make
up your mind, chief.

If we let that kaos submarine get away
we may never get another crack at it.

If we sink it I lose
two top agents

And my two best friends.

It's a difficult decision.

What's it gonna be, chief?

Gentlemen, I've made up my mind.

Both: yes?

I've decided to leave
the decision to you.

Very well, chief.

- I say sink the sub.
- I say we don't.

That makes a tie. You'll have
to cast the deciding vote, chief.

I cannot let friendship
affect my judgment.

Sink the sub.

Up periscope!

Nothing... Nothing...

Nothing...

Nothing... Six destroyers...

Nothing...

Six destroyers headed
right for our position?!

You'd better
surrender, siegfried.

- Never!
- You mind if we do?

Forget it, smart. We are
going to hide on the bottom.

All engines ready!

Prepare to dive!

Down periscope!

Dive!

- Krueger.
- ja?

What is our position?

We are on the bottom.

Terrific.

- Listen, siegfried...
- Quiet!

I wish to see if they
know our position.

I want complete silence!

Shh!

You don't "shush"
here! I "shush" here!

Shush!

Those destroyers have
absolutely no idea where we are.

Someone just took a great guess.

That was close.

We may have to
make a run for it.

What's the matter,
siegfried, afraid to die?

Max! We're gonna die too.

Oh. Well, in that case
I have a suggestion.

- Siegfried: what?
- let's make a run for it.

No, I think not.

Look, siegfried. Your men
look like they're about to panic.

Never! My men are
carefully trained.

They will not panic until
I give the order to panic.

Prepare to panic!

Those depth charges are
getting closer, siegfried.

It's just a matter of
minutes until they hit us.

My men have been
under attack before.

We will remain in this area
for another five minutes,

Then I will execute
a counter-maneuver.

Listen to me, men.
Siegfried doesn't care

If you stay down here
and drown like rats.

Your only chance is
to follow me and mutiny.

Mutiny? Don't be ridiculous.
They will not mutiny.

Cover them!

Men, think of your
wives and children.

dummkopfs. none
of you are married.

Listen, are you gonna gamble
and take the one small chance

You've got to get
out of here alive,

Or are you going to surrender

And be guaranteed
life imprisonment?

Men, I hope you realize

A mutiny might
affect your pensions.

I'm prepared to
offer you $5,000 each.

You fools! We still have a
chance to get out of this.

And in case you have forgotten,

Next week is the
annual kaos dance!

$10,000.

I'm sorry, smart.

My men just happen to
be crazy about dancing.

They're zeroing in
on you, siegfried.

Krueger!

What did he say, max?

He said to release the oil.

It's an old trick, 99.

When the oil gets to the surface
they think the sub has been hit.

But let me tell
you this, siegfried...

The trick is stupid!

The trick is dumb!

The trick is childish!

The trick is childish!

And the trick is working.

Quickly, take these two
to the torpedo room.

You, smart, over here.

Load yourself into
the torpedo tube.

Just what have you
got in mind, siegfried?

I think my little
plan will amuse you.

Well, I certainly hope so,

Because up until now you haven't
exactly been a barrel of laughs.

Perhaps when you
fully understand.

I am going to fire the both of
you from the torpedo tubes.

when the destroyers move
in to recover your bodies,

I will fire the real torpedoes.

Get in!

Wait a minute, siegfried.
May I have one last request?

Last request?

It's just that
maxwell smart and I

Have been very dear
friends for a long time

And I'd like to shake
his hand goodbye.

What kind of a
last request is this?

What harm could it do? Go ahead!

Max, the mini t.h.!

- Mini t.h.?
- Yes, the miniature torpedo hammer.

There's a powerful expl*sive
in the head of this hammer.

One tap on the nose of this
torpedo and we'll all be blown to bits.

Your g*n, siegfried.

All right, now have your men drop their
g*ns amd bring the sub to the surface.

Do as he says.

I hope you've learned
your lesson, siegfried.

I sure have.

What did he say, max?

From now on,

No more last requests!

All right, siegfried, move out.

Well, siegfried, you're going
away to prison for a long long time.

I have escaped
from prisons before

And I shall escape
from prisons again.

And max will capture you again.

- Really, miss 99?
- Yes, siegfried.

As you go through
the world of espionage

You'll find out that there are
some bad guys and some good guys.

And maxwell smart happens
to be one of the good guys.

As one bad guy to one
good guy, I promise you

We shall meet again, smart!

All right, siegfried, move out.

- Max, tell me something.
- Yes, what is it, 99?

If siegfried hadn't surrendered

Would you really have hit
the torpedo with that hammer?

Yes, but it wouldn't
have done any good.

You see, I happened to have
noticed with my eagle eye

That the firing pin on
this hammer was defective.

- Really?
- Yes, no good at all.

- 99, Do me a favor!?
- To do what, max?

Remind me to have
my eagle eye checked!

- Hello, chief.
- 99, Max!

Am I glad to see
you. Welcome home.

Thought we were gone
forever, huh, chief?

Nonsense, max. I have all the
confidence in the world in you.

Oh really? Then
perhaps you can explain

Why a stranger's car
is in my parking place

And someone else's gym
shoes are in my locker.

It's only temporary, max. I knew
you'd be gone for at least a week.

Are you sure, chief?

Of course, max.

Yes?

Hobson: agent


Uh, haven't you made some
sort of mistake, hobson?

no, sir, you reassigned
that number last week.

- I'm sorry, max.
- It's okay, chief. I'm expendable.

- I'll make it up to you, max.
- A raise?

No, we're over budget.

A vacation?

I can't spare you right now.

How about another
su1c1de mission?

Don't be a grouch!

I'm proud of the way you and


Thank you, chief.

At least siegfried is behind
bars where he belongs.

I'm afraid I've got some
bad news for you, max.

- Siegfried has escaped.
- You're kidding.

No, as a matter of fact I just
got this telegram for you.

"Will not rest until I have
k*lled you in cold blood.

Sincerely, siegfried."

Max, he really means that.

I knew he was vicious and cruel and
rotten but this time he's gone too far.

What do you mean?

This telegram was sent collect!