02x16 - It Takes One to Know One

[bunniefuu]

Hello, chief, this is 86.

- What is it, max?
- I found walters.

He was in a rundown
bar on front street.

- He just left.
- Is he all right?

Well, chief, he looks
in pretty bad shape.

I think he's at the
end of his rope.

Stay with him, max. Walters
is a fine man and a good agent,

But in his present state he's a
menace to the entire organization.

Right, chief. I'll stick
with him. Off and on.

Don't you mean "over and out"?

No, when I sign off
I put my shoe on.

Hello, chief. Max.

Walters is on the
interborough bridge.

- What's he doing?
- Well, either he's

Contemplating su1c1de
or he's a health nut.

Max, you've got to
talk him out of it.

Now the first thing to
remember is... Act nonchalant.

Right, chief.

Say, pal, you got a match?
Oh, it's you, walters.

Uh, taking in a little breath
of fresh air before turning in?

I told you to stay
away from me, 86.

Come on, walters. Come
on down from there.

We all miss you back at control.

It's no use. I'm no good.

I've lied, cheated and stolen.

And I've betrayed my country.

Well, walters, we all
have our weak moments.

It's not that bad.

It was all for her.

What are you talking
about, walters?

You must believe me,


From the moment I first
saw her I couldn't resist her.

- Chief: max.
- yes, chief.

Remind him of his duty.

Right, chief.

Now look, walters, as the
number two man in control,

You're not acting very rational.

who asked you to do what?

Octavia, you fool! Octavia!

Now, look, walters, why don't
you come down from there

And we'll talk about it?

Keep away! There's
nothing to talk about.

Chief, he's getting ready
to jump. What'll I do now?

Use reverse psychology.

Pretend to agree
with him. Get him angry.

Right, chief.

- Now listen, walters...
- I'm warning you, 86.

- It won't take much to make me jump.
- Good.

I absolutely agree with you.

As a matter of fact, if I were in
your position that's what I would do.

- What?
- Well, you said so yourself.

You're no good to anybody
anymore, not even yourself.

- The best thing you can do is take a dive.
- Now wait just a minute.

Go ahead, you bum, jump!

I dare you!

Max: it worked, chief!

You know, the thing that
bothers me about all this

Is the pattern that's
beginning to form.

What are you
talking about, chief?

Well, all of those men
who got into trouble

Were the number
two men of control.

First washburn, then meadows,

Now walters.

We were discussing the
international code for hours.

And that very night he started
drinking and disappeared.

- Chief?
- Yes, max.

- Could it have been something you said?
- No, max.

One person alone is responsible

For the ruination
of those three men...

Octavia.

Chief, I've never seen
anyone like this before...

Those evil penetrating eyes;

Cold, ruthless mouth;

Defiant chin;

Strong, unyielding body.

- chief?
- what?

I think I'm in love.

Max, we've got to find a pattern
in her method of operation.

What I don't understand, chief,

Is why it's always
the number two man.

I would think that the
control master code

Would have a great
deal to do with it.

You see, our number two
man has complete say-so

Over when and how
often it's to be changed.

Well, then that means that
our new number two man

- Will be her next victim.
- Exactly.

That's why we've got to
find something in these files

That will help us set a
trap for this vicious woman.

- Did you want to see me, chief?
- Yes, we can use your help, hymie.

- Hello, hymie.
- Oh, hello, max.

- What's the matter with you, hymie?
- I don't know.

I guess I'm just a
little rundown.

When is the last time you
charged your dry cells?

Last week.

Well, go charge your batteries.

Now washington has decided
that the next number two man

Will come right from
the ranks of control.

You mean someone from
right here in this building, chief?

Exactly.

No more
political appointments.

They want to make sure the next
number two man is well-trained for the job.

here, max, give these reports to
hymie and have him memorize them.

- I needed that.
- Good, hymie.

Now come with me.

Sit down.

I want you to take these reports

And start filing them
in your memory bank.

Yes, max.

Chief, when are they gonna
let us know who the new man is?

That must be it.

What in the world
is that, chief?

It's our horn phone.

Do you mean this is coming
right from the white house?

That's right.

Hymie, would you
knock that stuff off?

Hymie, the chief
didn't mean that.

He meant to be quiet while he's on
the horn phone to the white house.

- I'm sorry, max.
- Shh!

Shh.

Yes, sir.

The new number two man is who?

are you sure?

Oh, sorry, sir.

Goodbye.

Who is it, chief?

Hymie.

he had a perfect score
on the achievement test.

Hymie? Why, that's wonderful.

Wait a minute, chief.

Hymie can't be the number
two man of control.

Why, if anybody ever
found out he was a robot

we'd be the laughingstock
of the world of espionage.

Wait a minute, chief.

On second thought, a robot
might be an improvement.

You might be right, max.

As a robot he would
be completely immune

To octavia's evil charms.

We might be able
to trap her at last.

Congratulations, hymie.

Wait a minute. What
about the doctor?

Hymie has to have a
physical examination

Before he can accept the office.

Well, chief, I'm sure
that the control doctor

Would be willing to go along
with us on a thing like this.

No, washington wanted an impartial
doctor to make the examination,

someone not connected with
the government in any way.

Oh, I have his name
here on a piece of paper.

Dr. Louis pasteur.

That name sounds
oddly familiar, chief.

Come on, hymie, let's
go see that doctor.

And don't worry, chief, I'll
get hymie through that physical.

- How, max?
- It's really quite simple, chief.

You see, I've got imagination,
ingenuity and intelligence.

And a headache you
wouldn't believe.

I am extremely tired, gentlemen.

I kept this office open
three hours later than usual

Waiting for you.

I hope you appreciate that.

We certainly do,
doctor. We certainly do.

Right. Well, then let's
get on with it, shall we?

- Where are my glasses?
- Glasses?

Oh, come one, doctor, don't
tell me you wear glasses.

Why, you shouldn't wear glasses.

You've got such beautiful eyes.

They're so big and blue too.

Now look here, doctor.
How many fingers do I have up?

- Huh?
- Congratulations. You passed.

Now could we get on
with the examination?

Yes, all right.

Now, uh,
what is your name?

- Hymie.
- Hymie what?

That's his code-name, doctor.

Oh. Do you drink?

Only a little oil now and then.

"A little
oil now and then."

"A little oil now and then."

That's very funny, hymie,
but this is no time for jokes.

The doctor is very tired and wants
to go home and get a good night's sleep.

- I'm sorry, max.
- Do you smoke?

Only when I drink cheap oil.

I'm sure we have all this information
down at control headquarters.

Why don't we get on with
the physical examination, huh?

An excellent idea. Excellent.

Would you mind
stepping on the scale?



Did I say 982 lbs?

No, you said 182 lbs., Doctor.

- 182.
- Oh.

- What's next, doctor?
- Next, uh, next.

Well, let's check his heart.

Jump up on the table, please.

Just send the bill to control.

We'll take care of it
down there, doctor.

Hymie, come over here. The
doctor wants to check your ears.

Pasteur: let's take a look here.

I'm going to prescribe

A couple of aspirins

And a good night's rest.

Why? Is there anything
wrong him, doctor?

Oh, no, there's nothing serious,

Just a lot of gears
and levers in his head.

Well, doctor, if you'll
just sign this release here,

We'll be on our way.

All right.

By the way, doctor,
here are your glasses.

Oh, oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, doctor.

Come on, hymie, let's get your
clothes and get out of here.

Gears and levers in his head.

I've gotta cut down
on those health foods.

If these designs meet
with your approval, octavia,

We'll put the finishing
touches on them

And they'll be in your
wardrobe within 24 hours.

The evening gown and
the peignoir are fine.

Have that walking suit made out of
herringbone tweed rather than that check.

Certainly, octavia.

Yes?

- Man: number one here.
- what is it?

octavia, I do wish you would
say "sir" when you speak to me.

it sets a bad
example for the others.

I say "sir" to no man.

What do you want?

control has selected a
new number two man.

we don't want
this one destroyed.

bring him back here
with you. Is that clear?

Have you ever had to
tell me more than once?

no, but...

- Man: aircraft.
- have my plane ready in 20 minutes.

yes, octavia. Where
will you be going?

To washington.

Another control agent
is about to meet his doom.

Hi, chief. Where's hymie?

Oh, hymie's in the lab
being reprogrammed

For an executive type
attitude and personality...

Hard, cold, efficient.

Octavia won't have a chance.

Oh, hi, hymie. Gee,
you look nice.

Somehow it's hard for me to
picture you as an executive.

You just don't seem the type.

I believe I am adequately reprogrammed
to cope with this assignment.

Oh, good. He'll be operating
out of your apartment, max.

Right, chief. Come
on, hymie, let's go.

Don't touch my body.

- Familiarity breeds contempt.
- Don't touch your body?

But I've put my hand on
your shoulder lots of times.

You never said
anything about contempt.

If we are to continue
working together, maxwell,

It must be strictly
impersonal and businesslike.

But, hymie, we've
always been friends.

I wasn't an executive then.

Now things are
going to be different.

- 86.
- Huh?

You haven't much
stamina, do you, 86?

What are you
talking about, hymie?

I was just resting my eyes.

You were sleeping on the job.

I wish I was sleeping on my bed.

What are you doing?

Giving you a demerit.

A demerit?


Dishonorably discharged,

Page 127, paragraph four,
"control constitution and bylaws."

Well, that breaks it.

I'm going to bed.

I believe as the number
two man in control

I am entitled to the choice
sleeping accommodations.

Hymie, I'm going to bed

In my own bed.

We'll see about that.

Hello, chief.

Time to get up.

What time is it?

- 5:00.
- 5:00.



Now look, hymie, I know
you're trying to do a good job,

But this is ridiculous!

We'll be at the office
before the cleaning woman.

Why so early?

To study octavia's pattern
during the past few years

To determine how and
when she'll attack next.

Look, hymie, I don't
know about you,

But I can't operate
without sleep.

I'm not a machine, you know.

Sorry about that, hymie.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones...

Will you stop that?
I said I was sorry.

Hitting an executive...

Come on, hymie, let's go.

Hymie, come over here.

You've got me down
for nine demerits.

You don't suppose you'd
consider starting from scratch?

- No. - Okay for you. Let's go.

That's it, max, you're out.

Come on.

Oh, hymie, snap off
that light, will you?

Come in.

May I straighten up your
office now, mr. Hymie?

yes, please.

I'll try not to disturb you.

That's all right.

Hymie?

Oh, hello, octavia.
I've been expecting you.

You have walked into our trap and
reached the end of your evil road.

You are powerless against me.

I always knew that
one day I'd be caught.

I'm glad you were
the one, hymie.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Now that you've put an
end to my evil life of crime,

May I express my appreciation?

If you like.

Look, chief.

Max, what's been
going on in here?

These look like the clothes
the cleaning woman was wearing.

Max, look at this.

So that's how octavia did it.

Why, she's been right under
our noses all the time, chief,

- Disguised as a cleaning woman.
- This is terrible.

I know. Good cleaning
women are hard to get.

- What's this, chief?
- Looks like a lady's compact.

Octavia must
have left it behind.

I don't believe it. I
just don't believe it.

- What are you talking about?
- It's almost impossible.

Chief, if I'm right, hymie
could be in very grave danger.

Here. We'd better take these.

Right.

Have it ready for
take off in 30 minutes.

There will be two of us.

I'm signing off now.

- Hi.
- Hi.

May I try that?

I guess we're not
wired the same.

Wouldn't it be
boring if we were?

May i?

Now as soon as you
put all those papers

In your briefcase,
hymie, we can go.

I've never met anyone
like you, octavia.

I've never met
anyone like you, hymie.

- You're different somehow...
- Thank you.

The cute little way
you click your eyes,

The way you make my gyros
race whenever you kiss me,

The way my oil boils
when you're near.

Hymie, what are you
doing with those papers?

Hello, maxwell, I was just
going to give them to octavia.

Listen, hymie, I'm your friend so
I'm gonna give it to you straight.

Octavia doesn't care
a thing about you.

she's just using you to get
information from control.

She'll throw you on the scrap
heap the first chance she gets.

Hymie doesn't believe that.

It's all over, octavia.

You've victimized your last
number two man of control.

We're leaving. Come, hymie.

Hymie, stay right where you are!

Come here, hymie.

Isn't she wonderful, max?
So strong yet so feminine.

- Coming, dear.
- Over my dead body.

That can be arranged.

Quick, chief, the
force field unit!

- Okay, chief?
- Yes, I'm all right.

- Are you all right, hymie?
- Yes, maxwell.

What a magnificent
piece of construction.

what a pity she doesn't she doesn't
work on the side of law and goodness.

Thank heaven you knew that compact
was a miniature robot tool kit, max.

Yes, well, you see,
chief, hymie carries

The same sort of
tool kit in his wallet.

Be careful, chief, don't
step into that force field.

No, I won't, max.

As much as I hate to do it, I'm afraid
she's going to have to be disassembled.

Mmm, poor hymie.

She would have made
a good friend for him.

Stay here with me, octavia.

- We can have you reprogrammed.
- I wish I could, hymie.

You're the only one I've ever
met that had anything inside.

Then stay.

There's too much against us.

For one thing, our
grounds are different.

I'm plus and you're
minus. So what?

As long as we have each other.

Can't you see?

People would
point at us and say,

"Disgusting... He's positive
and she's negative."

they'd never leave us alone.

Then we'll move away,
live by ourselves.

For how long?

Sooner or later, you'd need a
new tube, I'd need a condenser.

Then we'll move again.

That would be all right for
the next 200-300 years, hymie,

But I want something permanent.

See, it just won't work.

You can't return to kaos.

I know. It would be
impossible after knowing you.

Then what are you going to do?

I have that all figured out.

I'm going to miss you, octavia.

And I you, hymie.

- Before you go may i...?
- Of course you may.

Goodbye, hymie.

Here, hymie, drink this.

- Thanks, max, I needed that.
- Me too.

Grief, what was that?

Hymie's special blend...
Kerosene and oil.

It's no use, chief. Hymie
won't come out of the lab.

He's taken this octavia
affair pretty hard.

- How long has he been in there, max?
- A week,

Ever since he resigned his position
as second in command of control.

Well, you should be
able to talk to him.

You're his best friend.

Well, I'll try, chief.

- Are you all right, hymie?
- We were worried about you.

- I'm all right.
- Well, you look awful.

And you're squeaking.

Have you been taking
your oil lately?

I have failed. I have tried
and tried, but I have failed.

What are you
talking about, hymie?

How have you failed?

I was so lonely for octavia, I
thought I could find a substitute,

But the best I
could do was this.

Hymie, you mean to say you
rebuilt her all by yourself?

Yes, sir.

I'm wondering if in
your spare time you'd...

Never mind.

Why, hymie, she's just
as beautiful as ever.

Why, she's perfect.

No, she's not.

Say hello to max and the chief.

Max's voice: hello,
max. Hello, chief.

Hymie told me all about you.

So what's wrong with that?