04x01 - On a Bed of Harts

[bunniefuu]

Max: This is my
boss, Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,

'cause when they
met, it was m*rder.

( theme music playing )

Jennifer: ♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la... ♪
( giggles )

( Freeway barks )

Happy anniversary.
How was the dinner?

Fabulous!

Everything ready, Max?

All set, Mr. H.

How would you
like to come upstairs

for a little coffee and brandy?

Upstairs for a little
coffee and brandy?

What are you two up to?

( chuckles )

It's a surprise.

Oh, a surprise.

I love surprises.

Come on.

Jennifer: A surprise!

Jonathan: I think
you're gonna like this.

I love surprises.
I love surprises.

- Enjoy.
- Jonathan: Thanks, Max.

All right, you tell
me when I can look.

Keep your hand over your eyes.

I promise.

Okay, you ready?

- Yes.
- Look!

- Oh, what is that?
- It's a bed.

Well, it's not just
a bed. It's the bed.

Oh.

The bed in which we
spent our wedding night.

Oh, in that little
inn in Napa Valley!

Oh, darling, how did you get it?

Well, I purchased
it for you and for me

and for our anniversary.

And I can't think of a
better way to spend tonight

and all the nights to come.

Oh, darling, that
is so romantic,

sentimental and sensitive.

It's the wrong bed.

Darling, you've had a
little too much champagne.

When I called the inn,
Mr. Appleroth guaranteed

that this was the bed.

No, no, no. No.

The one we had was painted
with lovely little flowers.

Don't you remember?

You're right.

Oh, but that's all
right. It doesn't matter.

It's the thought that counts.

But the surprise is gone.

This is not the bed.

Oh.

Well, we'd better get some sleep

because I have a feeling
we're gonna be up early.

Early?

You have that look.

What look?

That... look...

That "there are beds,
and there are beds" look.

Ah.

Mmm.

Well, San Francisco
and the Napa Valley

are irresistible this
time of the year.

- So they are.
- Yeah, so are you.

You are really cute when you
get a little champagne in you.

- You know that?
- ( chuckles )

( groans )

( bell clangs )

Jonathan: Thirsty, darling?

Uh-huh. How about you?

Jonathan: You know me.

I'll drink no wine
before its time.

Jennifer: Well, I'm thirsty.

Jonathan: Then I
think it's about time.

Look at that.

"Public Auction Probate Sale."

September 28th. That's today.

Oh, darling, nothing's changed!

Jonathan: It's
the same, isn't it?

Good day. May I help you?

We're looking for Mr. Appleroth.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Appleroth passed
on a few weeks ago.

Mr. Appleroth?

Is that the reason
for the auction?

Indeed.

This inn and everything
in it is up for sale.

We're from Los Angeles.

And when I spoke
to Mr. Appleroth,

it was about sending down a bed.

Well, didn't you get it?

We got the bed, all right.

But it's the wrong bed.

The one we wanted
had a painted headboard.

Painted with little
flowers and leaves.

Oh, that bed, the one in Room 7.

It's very pretty.

Could we see that?

Well, yes, of course.

It's right upstairs.
Please excuse the mix-up.

But if you want it, you'll
have to deal with Maris Thorn.

Thanks very much.

Man: People who just arrived
are asking a lot of questions.

They could be a problem.

Solve the problem.
That's what I pay you for.

( engine starts )

Is that it?

I think so.

Oh, yes, it is.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now you're sure?

Positive.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you, darling.

You're a fitting complement

to an already romantic ambience.

Well, thank you very much.

You must be Maris Thorn.

( speaking French
) Permettez-moi.

I am Jean-Pierre de Bonfleur.

I'm Jonathan Hart.

This is my wife, Jennifer.

Enchanté, madam.

Enchantée.

It is a shame one cannot
immortalize that face

framed against the
lovely spring flowers

of this magnificent bed.

You're also a poet.

But mostly a lover
of all things beautiful.

Oh.

( bell rings )

The chiming of the death knell.

The auction begins.

Jennifer: Do you think
we'll have any trouble

winning our bed?

Bonfleur: It is
that bed you want?

If anyone is going to give
you trouble, it is Maris Thorn.

You see, this auction
is merely a euphemism

for Thorn to gobble up

yet another piece
of this lovely valley.

Jonathan: The march of progress.

He took our jazz club
and our little theater.

What do you think will
happen to this place?

Condominiums, I believe.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
by order of the court,

we are here today to
auction this property.

Which one's Thorn?

Not here.

That man in the dark
suit is Thorn's second.

I should like to open
the bidding at $500,000.

Who'll make a bid of $500,000?

( chanting ) Let me
get a $500,000...

Excuse me, sir,

but we're here to
bid only on a bed

and I'm sure that nobody
else would be interested in it.

Well, that may be, sir,

but you cannot bid
simply on the bed.

It is for sale, though?

Yes, but the court has
decreed a single sale

only on this entire parcel.

Do you mean, if we want to
buy the bed, we have to buy...

This inn and the 40 acres

of prime Napa Valley
land surrounding it.

Now may we start the bidding?

At $500,000,
$500,000 bid I want.

$500,000 bid I have!

I have $500,000 bid.

And looking for a six...
Looking for a $600,000 bid.

I have a $600,000.
Thank you, sir.

Looking for a
seven. $700,000 bid.

Who'll make it
seven? Thank you, sir.

$700,000 is the bid.

Looking for eight. $800,000 bid.

$800,000 bid.

Eight.

Looking for a $9, $900,000.

- Nine.
- Thank you, sir. $900,000.

$900,000 is the bid.

Do I hear $1 million?

$900,000, ladies and gentlemen,

for this prime property?

No advances? Are we all through?

Going once, going
twice... $1 million.

$1 million I have!
Thank you, sir.

Jonathan, we only want the bed.

I know. I'm buying it.

$1 million is the
bid, $1 million.

$1,100,000.

$1,200,000.

$1,300,000.

$1,400,000.

Thank you, sir.

For a bed?

It's not just any bed, hmm?

$2 million.

$3 million.

You wouldn't want
a perfect stranger

to pull the bed out from
under us, would you?

$3 million I have, $3 million.

$4 million.

$4,500,000.

$4,500,000.

Jonathan, we won't be
able to afford the sheets!

Sir?

Yes, uh... $4,500,000
is the standing bid.

Uh, yes, right.

$4 million three-quarters.

And three quarters.

Looking for $5
million, $5 million.

Who will give a
bid, a $5 million bid?

Who'll make it $5 million?

This is absolutely crazy.

Thank you, madam!

We have a bid of $5 million!

Thank you very much, madam.

Very good, darling, very good.

Can I take a moment, please?

- Yes, you may.
- Thank you, sir.

I don't know who he is.

But we're way past the
numbers you figured!

Sir? The bid is $5 million.

Do you wish to counter?

Please, just one second, please.

Hello? Hello?

- Hello?
- ( phone cradle rattling )

$5 million is the
bid, $5 million.

$5 million is the bid.

Going once, going twice...

sold to the gentleman
and the lady for $5 million!

Congratulations.

Excuse me, Mr...
Hart, Jonathan Hart.

My name is Burgish.

Mr. Burgish, this
is my wife, Jennifer.

Yes, I am sure my employer
will welcome the opportunity

to offer you an immediate
profit on your investment, yes?

Well, at first we didn't
want the place, just the bed.

And now?

Now that we've thought it over,

the valley is lovely.

And the vineyard
shows a great potential

for a bumper wine harvest.

And the inn?

Well, the inn is the same
as when we first stayed here.

We'd like to see
it stay that way.

The world doesn't need
another row of condominiums.

And all the people
that live on this place

won't have to get evicted.

We'll keep Napa Valley a
valley, not a development.

Come on, sweetheart.

We have a few sheets to change.

Well, now that we've
purchased the place,

you can tell everybody
that works here

they're assured of their jobs.

Then I thank you, Mr. Hart.

The maids thank you.
The pastry chef thanks you.

- The vineyard owners...
- They're all welcome.

I think Mrs. Hart and I

are going to enjoy
being innkeepers.

Well, it's a very
small inn, sir.

We're very optimistic.

Conrad Hilton started with
two bellboys and a vacancy sign.

Now that wine cellar you
were telling me about?

I'd like to warm Mrs. Hart
up with something chilled.

( Jennifer moans )

Oh...

Darling, did you
find the wine cellar?

Mm-hmm.

Jennifer: You know,
I've been thinking.

You really want champagne?

Mm-hmm.

It's so chilly. I
mean, it's so cold.

If we really are gonna
re-christen our bed,

I can think of
something much warmer.

Can't you?

Hmm.

( chuckles ) Is
that a yes or a no?

Mmm.

( footsteps approaching )

- Jonathan?
- It's me.

If me is you, then who was...

( glass shatters )

Jonathan?

( bangs )

- Jonathan?
- ( Jonathan grunts )

Oh, Jonathan!

Are you all right?

I think so.

- Do you know who it was?
- He didn't say.

You know, this is not
one of my better nights.

You sure you're
feeling all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

You'll get a good
night's sleep, you know.

- Jonathan, it's gone!
- ( car engine starts )

Yes, I heard about it yesterday.

And I got to tell you, you
went top dollar on a sack.

Well, they wouldn't let
us buy just the "sack,"

so Mr. Hart had to
buy the whole parcel.

It was also good business.

With the bed came 40
acres of prime vineyards

and a very fine inn.

I see.

Sheriff, someone by
the name of Maris Thorn

was our stiffest
competition at the auction.

Maris Thorn, a bednapper?

Well, I'll ask around.

Well, we came
this far for the bed.

I'm sure a little social
visit wouldn't hurt, hmm?

- Thank you, Sheriff.
- You bet.

- Thanks, Sheriff.
- Bye.

Burgish: Mr. and Mrs.
Hart. What a surprise.

I'm Maris Thorn. Champagne?

Jonathan: No, thank you.

It's always a pleasure
to meet a man with flair.

And, of course, the
woman who inspires it.

Thank you. Mrs. Thorn,

I believe you have
something that belongs to us.

( laughs )

But I was under the impression

that you had something
belonging to me.

We bought the
Auberge fair and square.

Electronics, aerospace,
educational software

and a new research
facility in Kyoto?

Now innkeeping.

Seems a little out of
character, Mr. Hart.

Well, since you know
so much about me,

you know that I'm diversified.

Diversified, yes,
to the point of profit.

$6 million?

We're really not interested
in selling the place.

Come now, Mr. Hart.
We're both business people.

You surely don't intend
to let the land stand idle.

Oh, the land won't stand idle.

There are people
farming it as families

who've been there for years.

Well...

You both seem very
firm in your decision.

I hope that innkeeping
is to your liking.

To your good health, Mr. Hart.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Thorn.

Do you think they
know you have the bed?

If Mr. Hart expects to
see another harvest,

he'd better not know.

( engine starts )

Jonathan, look!

There's our bed! Why
would Thorn want our bed?

I don't know,

but she's about to
be short-sheeted.

- Yeah?
- Jonathan: Howdy!

- What can I do for you?
- Sorry we're late.

- Man: Late for what?
- The pickup.

- That's it, isn't it, Edna?
- Yeah, I think so, Vern.

- Sign here.
- I'll have a look.

Man: Who sent for you?

Some day we had
today, huh, honey?

Sure was, Vern.

Had to pull apart
a six-car pileup.

Semi jackknifed
right across the road.

- Out there on 391.
- Closed four lanes.

What's that in there?

Yeah, what is that?

Well...

That's a wine press.

- No kiddin'?
- That's right.

They don't make these anymore.

Huh.

Yep, used to do
everything by hand.

( engine starts )

Well, it sure must
have been a lot of work.

Yeah, it was. I
tell you, though,

there's a lot to be
said for those days.

You see this wagon right here?

No engines, no motors.

Just horses. No complications.

You just fed 'em and
they did the work for you.

- Who'd you say sent for you?
- ( loud slam )

Hey! Hey, wait a
minute! Wait a minute!

Stop! Wait! Come back!

They'd end up sleeping in it.

Well, it was not
me. It was Clanton.

He let her get away with it.

Clanton was your responsibility!

Appleroth d*ed
because he was stupid.

How do you expect me to
deal with your incompetence?

Please, they can't
go far with that bed.

I know I can catch up with them.

Rephrase that.

You have to catch up with them.

I want that bed!

I swear to you,
the bed isn't here.

Relax, Munson.
We know who has it.

The Harts. We just don't
know where they have it.

The Harts?

And you'll drop them in the well

with poor old Mr. Appleroth.

Hey, Munson. You
do have a big mouth.

You promised me money!

I want what's coming to me now,

or you can count me out.

If you insist.

The well?

No.

Two accidents in the same home

might be straining credibility.

That car look familiar?

Jennifer: Thorn!

I think it would be wise

if we looked for other
accommodations.

But why? This is our hotel.

And it's our bed.

Why should we be
intimidated by these people?

That's why.

( car honks )

Move that car! Get out of here!

Move it!

Jonathan: We're too easy
to spot on a main road.

A car pulling a bed?

I thought we'd blend
in with all the other cars

pulling a bed.

We'd better pull off
and hide somewhere.

Burgish: They must have
pulled off somewhere.

Well, to get anywhere,
they're going to have

to come back to the
main road sooner or later.

We'll wait.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I don't see
any vacancy signs.

Darling, there has to be a
lovely inn in the next town.

Well, we just can't
park this rig in the street,

and get our bed
ripped off again.

Why is our bed such
an object of desire?

I don't know.

But in the morning, I'm
gonna tell Sheriff Reinhardt

about its sudden popularity.

( cow moos )

Jonathan: You comfortable?

Oh, yes.

I think we were lucky
to have found this place.

Oh, that farmer must
think we're crazy.

I just told him that we
were on our honeymoon

and you didn't want to spend
the night in a strange bed.

( laughs )

Darling, this is becoming

the strangest
bed I ever slept in.

Why don't we...
make it more familiar?

Oh, that's better.

- Isn't that better?
- Mm.

( cow moos )

( cow moos )

( dog barking )

( engine starts )

Oh!

- They finally surfaced.
- ( engine starts )

Hey!

Wait a minute!

Remind me to send
flowers to the Harts' funeral.

I certainly hope we don't
run into Sheriff Reinhardt!

- Why?
- My license is in the car.

( honking )

( tires screeching )

They won't get very
far, I promise you.

( bell pealing )

No! Move!

( screaming )

I'm already spoken for!

Me too!

( car honking )

Oh!

( screaming )

Oh, darling, don't rock the bed!

- Hurry!
- Hold on! Just hang on!

We're not going anywhere!

I hope.

Sorry, but it looks
like you need

some sort of special key
to take this thing apart.

I can't help you.

Well, thanks very much.
You really did save our lives.

We've got to get
to San Francisco.

We're going to ship
this bed down to L.A.

You're from Los Angeles?

Yeah.

That explains it.

You know, our bed seems to
bring out the worst in people.

Somebody should know why.

What about that
friend of yours...

The antique dealer
in Ghirardelli Square?

Grappelli?

If this really is a
priceless antique,

he certainly would know.

Could he ship it to L.A. for us?

Of course.

But, darling, how
are we going to get

to San Francisco
without falling into

Mrs. Thorn's briar patch?

Could I talk to you a moment?

Darling, I think we
overpaid that farmer

for this piece of junk.

An ear for an ear. We
did wreck his corn stand.

I just hope this thing
makes it to San Francisco.

I have a feeling the police
are gonna be very interested

in Mrs. Thorn.

Darling, this is all beginning
to look awfully familiar.

( cow moos )

Déjà vu.

Your French is improving.

It's a lot better
than my navigation.

We've been driving
around in a complete circle.

Well, we're certainly getting
to know this place well.

Well, we did sleep rather
soundly here last night.

So we did.

You know, I'm a little
disappointed in Jean-Pierre.

Yeah? Why?

Because I thought he
was one of the good guys.

Just another one
of Thorn's heavies.

She has unique
taste in henchmen.

- ( faint dripping )
- Not to mention furniture.

( gasps )

Darling, move the truck forward.

Something is spilling
all over the bed!

( engine starts )

Okay?

Oh, it's all wet up here.

Do you have a rag in the truck?

Here you go.

Oh, great.

It's wine.

Oh!

Oh, the paint's coming off!

Our bed's gonna be ruined!

Maybe you better leave it.

Wait a minute.

There's something under here.

Look at that. It's a painting.

It's like a Madonna
or something.

Maybe that's what
they were after.

Lovely, isn't it?

Frangelico, a master
of the Renaissance.

I was wondering when
you were going to show up.

Forgive the g*n.

I certainly would
not wish to use it.

Is this what you and
Thorn were after?

And you, Monsieur Hart?

This is the first time
we've ever seen it.

I thought perhaps you
had struck a bargain

with the late
Monsieur Appleroth.

So now you want to steal
the painting that's in our bed.

One cannot steal what
has already been stolen.

Did you put that there?

That was the work
of Monsieur Appleroth,

a lowly middleman
in this vast network

of international art smuggling.

Obviously, he chose to
renege on his arrangement

with the relentless Madam Thorn.

He certainly
paid for his deceit.

As did his caretaker,
Monsieur Munson,

who no longer
cares for anything.

Well, well. You're finally
earning your money.

Here it is.

But who's driving it?

( faint clicking )

It's going to be a
bit crowded in here.

Well, maybe a couple
of us could leave.

That will not be necessary.

Jennifer: Are we gonna try
and outrun them in this clunker?

I'm going to give
them a little handicap!

( engine starts )

- ( g*nsh*t pops )
- ( hisses )

Jennifer: Do you think we're
gonna be able to make it

to San Francisco?

Jonathan: It's all
downhill from here.

- ( engine screeches )
- Uh-oh.

I guess San Francisco is uphill.

( hissing )

( coughing )

Jennifer: What's
the verdict, Doctor?

It looks like it
needs intensive care.

- Hello?
- Oh, hi, there.

We were hoping to
get to San Francisco.

Nope.

No?

Nope.

Nope.

Yep.

- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks.

Lot of fog in San Francisco!

( coughing )

The man they bought
the truck from says

they're on their
way to Grappelli's

in Ghirardelli Square.

Apparently, it's a
place that specializes

in deals of this kind.

If the Harts are so
enamored of their bed,

perhaps we should put them
to sleep in it permanently.

( squeaking )

Do you think we look
conspicuous, darling?

I don't know, but this
thing's a real sleeper.

( police whistle tweets )

( squeaking )

( tweets )

( squeaking )

Jennifer: Grappelli's.
That's our man.

"Paintings and Antiques."

Wait!

( engine puttering )

( squeaking )

Well, at least
he left us our car.

Yeah, but I doubt if
he left us our keys.

Come on. Hey, taxi!

Hey, follow that bed!

What did you say?

Follow that bed!

- Oh, that bed.
- ( engine starts )

( squeaking )

Burgish: The Harts' bed!

Can the Harts be far behind?

( tires screeching )

Jennifer: Well, things are
definitely not looking up.

( squeaking )

Excuse me. Have you a telephone?

- By the little boys' room.
- Thank you.

What should we do now?

Jonathan: Drop back and punt.

Must be the bed
for the new display.

Hell of a way to ship it.

( chuckles )

( squeaking )

Just a minute! Just a minute!

What is that?

It's a new bed.

Well, it's all wrong!
It's French Provincial!

It destroys the
entire Spanish motif.

Get this thing outta here!

( muttering in French )

Come on! This thing is a mess!

I'm surrounded by Philistines!

Excusez-moi...

Pardon me, but that is my bed!

Thank heavens!

Jonathan: Hold it, hold it!

Look at that.

Here you go. Thanks.

Cabbie: Thank you!
Thanks a million!

Bonfleur: And the picture
you see here is very valuable.

Drop that bed!

Monsieur Hart, I have
no argument with you.

- Allow me to...
- That's stolen property.

- Now just a minute!
- If it were not for me,

Madam Thorn would
have had you by now.

Before we're finished,

Mrs. Thorn is gonna
be had by the police.

Did I hear my name?

This is a total
invasion of my space!

This is our bed.

Burgish?

( grunts )

Designer: For
heaven's sake, stop it!

Stop it!

For heaven's sake, stop it!

Somebody stop it!
This is a disaster!

Stop! Nobody move!

- Sorry we took so long.
- Thank God you're here!

- These people are K*llers!
- That is absolutely absurd.

Somebody turn that damn fan off!

I will show you
where the bodies are.

You?

Madam Hart is alluding
to my role in this episode.

They're the ones you want.
They've got the painting.

- Us?
- Yes.

You stole the bed first.
And then he stole it.

- But, madam...
- He stole our car.

But, monsieur...

And then he chased us through
half of northern California.

And he tried to
take our painting.

Should we cuff
these two, Inspector?

- No, no.
- We do not want the painting.

- We only want the bed.
- Wait a minute.

"Inspector"?

Oui, monsieur.

You're an inspector?

Yes, madam, I am with Interpol.

Now the French Ministry of
Culture and your government

have given me carte
blanche to take on this case.

Take them away, these two!

And you people are gonna
hear from my lawyers!

I'll have your badge for this.

Well, I'm so sorry, Inspector.

It's quite all right,
Madam Hart.

So all you were really trying
to do was retrieve the painting.

Oui, madam. But in the pursuit,

another matter has
come to my attention.

Come. I will show you. Come.

It is as I suspected.

Jennifer: What?

Jonathan: "Mimi"?

Madam, Monsieur
Hart? I am sorry to say,

but I have a
warrant for your bed.

For the bed?

What did it do?

It is an heirloom of France.

This was the bed
of Mimi Le Monde.

- Where is she?
- Jonathan: Who is she?

Not well. She's quite dead.

Oh.

Mimi was the infamous maid

of the infamous Madam
le Pompadour Oh.

Therefore, I now
reclaim this bed

in the name of France.

C'est la vie.

Oh, wasn't that nice of
Jean-Pierre to let us spend

another night in Mimi's bed?

Well, after all,
if it wasn't for us,

they wouldn't
have gotten it back.

You're absolutely right.

Besides, I think Mimi
would highly approve.

Mimi sounds to me like a girl
who approved of everything.

( chuckles )

You know, Mimi and her bed

have had a tremendous
influence on us.

Yeah.

Don't you think that
we're doing an awful lot

of talking about Mimi?

Oh, did you want to talk
about something else?

Actually, I didn't want
to talk about anything.

Oh.

Oh, Jonathan,

I've always wanted
to play the Palace.

( theme music playing )