04x13 - Schwartz's Island

[bunniefuu]

( sighs )

Now this is the way to spend a honeymoon, 99

-

- sailing the Caribbean, breathing the salt air, just the two of us alone with the sea.

Oh, it's heaven, Max.

I wish we could do this forever.

So do I, but we have to get the boat back in a half an hour.

Oh, Max, can't we keep it out another hour? Another hour? Are you kidding? That's eight bucks.

If we're gonna get it back in time we'd better start rowing.

The wind's d*ed down.

Yes, well, they told me at Rent

-A

-Yacht that if the wind d*ed down we could use the auxiliary motor.

Here.



- You take the tiller.



- Right.

Are you having a little trouble starting the motor, Max? Of course not, 99.

I'm having trouble finding it.

Maybe it's behind that door there.

That just shows you how much you know about boats, 99.

That's a closet.

Now why would anybody put a motor in a closet? Well, you could look anyway, Max.

I already did.

It's got be here someplace.

We've lost sight of land, Max.

Maybe you'd better use the radio.

Good idea, 99.

( jazz music playing )

I feel better already.

Not that radio, Max, the ship's radio.

Oh, well, this boat doesn't have a radio.

Boats with radios cost $9 an hour.

Maybe if you'd turn on some lights down there you could find the motor.

Boats with lights cost $10 an hour.



- You got a match?

- Here, they're free.

Thank you, 99.

Hold it, 99.

There's a trap door down here on the floor.

That must be it.

The motor is probably under there.

Yep, I found it.

Oh, thank heavens.

Start it, Max! Wait a minute.

I have to read the instructions.

There's a little plaque here that tells you what to do.

Wait a minute, it tells you what not to do.

"Do not put fire near here.

Caution: Inflammable.

" ( shouts )

Max! to worry you, but we might as well face the inevitable.



- What, Max?

- We just blew our deposit on that boat.

( theme music playing )

Is there anything in that survival kit we can use, Max? We've drifted miles since we sank.

Gee, 99, I sure wish we had taken the $11 boat.

That one had a dinghy with an outboard motor.



- What does this have?

- This.



- Are we going anyplace?

- I don't think so.

I shouldn't have thrown that eggbeater away, 99.

Why not? We could've had breakfast.

Now this is the most ridiculous survival kit I have ever seen in my life.

Look at this.

Two Ping

-Pong paddles and a net.

Max, those weren't Ping

-Pong paddles, they were oars! They go in these poles! And that net was to catch fish in.

Oh, please don't throw away anything else.

Hold it, 99.

Here's something.

"How to Survive at Sea.

" That's wonderful.

Read it.

Well, I can't read it.

It's a record.



- Do we have a record player?

- Well, we had one on the boat.

What a shame.

I would have loved to have heard this.

The background is by Henry Mancini.

Oh, Max, look, a map! At least we can find out where we are.

Good idea, 99.

Grab this end here.

This end up, Max.

Now all we need is some wind.

Don't worry.

We've got plenty of that.

( gasps )

Max, the sail!

- Max, listen!

- ( airplane approaching )

That's nothing but an airplane, 99.

An airplane!

- We had better signal it!

- Right, Max.

Good idea, 99.

Signal them with your mirror.

What are you doing? Well, Max, if we're going to be rescued I want to look presentable.

Never mind.

There's a flare g*n here in the survival kit.

Oh, be careful, Max! I'll help steady you.

Be

-

- oh! ( screams )

Max! You sh*t a hole in the raft! We're sinking! Stop shouting, 99! The whole world doesn't have to know!

- What are we gonna do?

- We'll have to make a swim for it.



- Which way?

- Well

-

- one of us will go this way and one of us will go that way.



- Right.



- And the first one to reach land will come back and get the other one.

Right, Max! Max, wait for me! ( groans )

I don't care what the report says.

I know Maxwell Smart better than anybody and I refuse to believe that they're lost at sea.

Lost on land maybe, but not at sea.

Larrabee, where are the interoffice memos? They're supposed to be on my desk first thing in the morning.

That's why I'm here.

They were late.

Didn't you get a memo telling you this morning's memos would be late?

- No, I didn't.



- It must be late.

"Reports of Agents 86 and 99 lost at sea confirmed.

Floating wreckage believed to be that of missing vessel, sighted 40 miles southeast of Jamaica.

No apparent survivors.

" "Air

-sea rescue search called off after 48 hours due to bad weather and a party at air

-sea rescue officers club.

" "Cream cheese and lox, 39¢.

" What's this? The Control delicatessen is running a special, Chief.

"Notice to all concerned: interoffice memos will be late today.

" Larrabee, book me on a jet to Miami.

Contact the Coast Guard to have a cutter standing by to pick me up.

Now make sure there's full diving equipment onboard just in case.



- You got that?

- What about the cream cheese and lox? ( shouts )

Max, where are you? Max: I'm up here in this tree.

I'm looking for coconuts.

Well, come on down and see this.

Be right there! ( Tarzan yell )

What was it you wanted to show me, 99?

- That lean

-to I just built.



- Oh, that's beautiful.

Did you do that all by yourself? I didn't know you were so handy.

Max, have you found anything to eat? I'm famished.

No.

This is the strangest island that I've ever been on.

There's absolutely nothing to eat.

I've been up in those trees for hours.

There's no coconuts, no bananas.



- What about fish?

- There's no fish up there either.

Let's look at the bright side, Max.

We went on a honeymoon to be alone and we're alone.

Max: Yes, and this is a great place for a honeymoon.

We have everything here we need

-

- except food and water.



- Why don't we build a fire?

- Why? It's hot enough here already.

I mean, if a boat comes by then we can signal it.

Good idea, 99.

Let's go gather some driftwood.

Right, Max.

Let's go this way, Max.

That leads to the other side of the island.



- We haven't explored there yet.



- 99, look! Footprints! Max, we're not alone on this island.

These footprints were made by somebody with shoes.

( German accent )

Very interesting.

were made by a man 6' 2.

5" tall, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and he walked with a decided limp.

Oh, Max, that's very hard to believe.

Would you believe it if I took out the limp? Come on, 99, let's see where these footsteps go.

What is it, Max? Either it's the biggest magnet in the world, or it's the biggest horseshoe in the world.

And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

I don't like this, Max.

Don't move, Smart und 99! Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker.

Well, it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie! Siegfried, what are you doing here? I'll ask the questions! What are you doing here und why? We're on our honeymoon.

Oh, then we'll skip the why.

Honeymooners, eh? I'm catching agents.

Und velcome to Schwartz's Island.

Schwartz's Island? I've never seen any Schwartz's Island on my maps.

It isn't on any maps.



- It's on Schwartz's map.



- Who's Schwartz? A KAOS scientist, the creator of synthetic islands.

Synthetic islands? You mean to tell me that this island isn't real? Of course not, you stupid! It's portable.

You take it und put it wherever you want it.

How can you move around an island this size? I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you? No.

Why? We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw.

The biggest! ( mimics motor )



- Starker!

- ( peters out )

This is KAOS! Without

-

- ( mimics motor )

here! How come nobody's ever spotted this island before? Because, idiot, it's only been here a few days.

When we're not using it, we keep it hidden.

How can you hide an island?

- You've heard of the Thousand Islands?

- 99: Yes.

Count them next time.



- You mean

-

-?

- Thousand und one.

Just what diabolical plot are you planning with this thing here? You are looking at the world's first nuclear magnet.

This way, if you please! All right, Siegfried, what's this all about? I'll give you a demonstration.

( speaking in German )

( motor whirring )

Take a look in the telescope and tell me what you see.

I don't see anything, Siegfried.



- You have to put a dime in it!

- Oh.



- All I have is a quarter.



- Starker! Please handle it.

Careful, Smart, that telescope cost a fortune.

Now tell me what you see.

Good heavens! What horrible monstrous thing have you created out there? What is it, Max? Well, it's a big orange and black thing with large bulbous eyes and hundreds of legs.

Really? Let me take a look.

There's a ladybug on the lens! Get rid of it! ( motor whirring )

Now you may take a look.

Max: I can see something.

I'm not quite sure

-

- Oh, it's a boat.

Some kind of a Coast Guard cutter or something.

Yeah, do you see anyone on deck? There's a sailor.

Yeah, is he by any chance wearing a watch?

- Yes, it's 11:15.



- I'm not interested in the time.

Just keep your eyes on the watch.



- Starker!

- Ja! Activate the directional mechanism.

Starker: Ja.

Excuse me.

( machines whirring )



- ( clicks )



- It's not working! ( machine humming )

Still watching the watch, Smart? Und now I give the magnet just a teensy little bit of power.

( magnet whirring )

That's amazing.

Yes, the watch took a licking but it kept on ticking.

Well, Smart, what do you think about our latest w*apon? So, that's it.

You plan to use that big magnet out there to steal watches from passing ships.

No, we intend to steal passing ships.

This magnet, when operating under its full nuclear power, is capable of pulling in a battleship from five miles! Well, what do you want with a battleship? Not a battleship, Smart, the entire United States Sixth Fleet.

According to KAOS Intelligence, in exactly 17 minutes the entire United States Sixth Fleet will be steaming past here on its way to Cape Cod for a show of strength! Well, what are you going to do with the Sixth Fleet? We're going to pull them in from the ocean and run them aground on Schwartz's Island! Max, look! Well, I'll be

-

- What do you see, Smart? Uh, nothing, Siegfried, nothing.



- Absolutely nothing.



- Don't hand me that knockwurst.

Stand back! ( coin rattles )

( swears in German )

The time ran out! Starker!

- ( groans )



- Dime! ( coin rattles )

Well, if it isn't the Chief of Control himself.

What's he doing down here, 99? Siegfried: He's putting on a diving suit.

They're putting on the steel helmet.

He must have heard our boat sank and he's out looking for us.

I wish there were some way we could let him know we're all right.

That can be arranged.

Starker! He's putting on the helmet.

They're bolting it down.

They're bolting on the faceplate.

He's climbing over the rail, getting ready to jump.

( speaking in German )

( machine whirrs )

( metal clangs )

( groans )

Let me out.

You're a fool, Siegfried.

Pulling me in by that magnet in full view of all the men on that ship will lead to your ultimate destruction.

That's right, Siegfried.

You're through, finished, washed up! What makes you say that, Smart? What makes me say that, Chief? Because in a matter of minutes the crew of that cutter will be storming the beaches of this island to rescue me! That's what makes me say that.

I'd like to see them try.

Because merely by reversing the polarity of this magnet, I'm no longer attracting, I'm repelling.

You certainly are.

Don't push it, cutie.

Chief, get over here! Look through there.

Observe.

Keep watching.

( machine whirring )

Oh, there go your rescuers, Herr Chief.

Und now the time is growing short.

The Sixth Fleet should be steaming into view any moment now.

The Sixth Fleet? What's he talking about, Max? He's gonna use that giant magnet out there, Chief, to draw the entire Sixth Fleet into this island and beach it.

That's just number one.

Number two is a dilly.

We have a super magnet than this one on the bottom of the ocean directly beneath this island.



- You mean

-

-

- That's exactly what I mean! This entire island will be pulled down to the bottom of the ocean, taking the Sixth fFleet with it.



- You're mad, Siegfried!

- Uh, maybe a little, but that's all.



- Starker, pull the switches!

- Starker: Ja.

And now we take them out of here! Move! Get! Move! Go on, out! Move it quickly! Schnell! Siegfried: Over by the magnet, move it! Move it.

Move it.

Quickly! Move move move move, halt! One giant step forward.

Halt! Halt! Und now we part company.



- You're letting us go?

- You're standing in synthetic sand.

Is that anything like quicksand? No, it's quicker.

( gasps )

My feet are stuck! Stop struggling, 99.

It'll make you sink faster.



- Starker, to the boat.



- Ja.

Und this time it isn't auf wiedersehen.

( speaking in German )

You've had it! Prepare to launch! Launch! Request permission to come aboard, sir.

Granted! Stroke stroke stroke! Stroke stroke stroke! Stroke stroke! Oh, we're never going to get out of here alive, Max.

I know it, 99.

I just wish Bannister were here.



- Who's Bannister?

- Control's top agent.



- Why do you wish he were here, Max?

- I don't like him.

Stroke! Stroke! Stroke stroke! Max, 99, look on the horizon.

Oh, look at that, it's the Sixth Fleet! We've got to find some way to keep them away from this island.



- ( shouts )

Yankee, go home!

- Max.

Max, do you have your mini magnet? Of course I have my mini magnet.

I have it right here in a secret compartment of my belt buckle.

Oh, good, that's how we'll get out of the sand.

If you just point your mini magnet at the maxi magnet.

Don't be ridiculous, 99! My mini magnet is no match for the maxi magnet.

I know, Max.

That's just the point.

The maxi magnet's more powerful than the mini magnet so the mini magnet will be drawn toward the maxi magnet.



- That's easy for you to say.



- Max, she's right.

Hurry.

All right, we're going to have to form a chain.



- Now you hold onto me, 99.



- Right, Max.



- Chief, hold onto 99.



- I got her.



- Hurry, Max!

- Okay.



- ( groans )



- ( magnet whirs )

Oh, no! The mini magnet is more powerful than the maxi magnet.

There's not much hope for us, but at least we saved the Sixth Fleet.

The magnet is pointing towards the ground.

Max, we're on a floating island.

If something happened to be passing underneath,

- the magnet might

-

-

- ( metal grinding )

( sonar pinging )

( gasps )

Max, look.

A submarine.



- Hang on.

We're gonna hitch a ride!

- Yes!

- You get on, 99.



- Hang on!

- Quick! That's it, pull!

- ( metal clangs )



- Hold onto me, Chief.



- I've got you.

Oh, Max, here we go.

( groans )



- Come on, Chief.



- All right, Max, deactivate the magnet.

( whirring stops )

( alarm sounds )

Well, we got out of that one.

Got out of what one? This island is about to sink.

You're right, Chief.

We've got to find out a way to contact the Sixth Fleet.

If only we had a rowboat or a rubber raft.

Yeah.

Why are you looking at me? Uh, Chief, doesn't that suit inflate? Yes, through a tube in the helmet.

What's that got to do with anything? Max, they see us! We're saved! Keep your fingers crossed, 99, and hope the Chief doesn't spring a leak before we make it.

Kick your feet, Chief.

We don't have all day! ( groans )

( theme music playing )