05x01 - Pheasant Under Glass

[bunniefuu]

What took you so long?
Do you know what time it is?

Yes, well, 99's mother

Called us just
before we left earth.

Well, this is probably the
last time we'll be able to have

These secret meetings
on the moon anyway.

Now that the astronauts
have landed successfully,

There will probably be a
lot more of them coming.

Well, we really
shouldn't complain, chief.

We've had it for four years.

Well, let's get
down to business.

Now here's your assignment:

Kaos has kidnapped
professor finneus pheasant.

- Who's he, chief?
- Probably the most important

Nuclear scientist
in the world, 99.

Now according to our information,
they're holding pheasant prisoner

In the basement of kaos
headquarters in new jersey.

- Where?
- New jersey.

I didn't get that, chief.

- Oh, new jersey.
- Go on, chief.

Kaos is going to put
professor pheasant

Through a series
of brainwashings

So they can find out
everything that he knows.

Now your assignment it
to get him out of there

Before he cracks
and starts talking.

Do you have a layout
of the house, chief?

Yes, I've got one right here.

Now this is kaos's
summer headquarters.

You'd better start
back immediately,

It's going to take
you a good six days

To get back to kaos
headquarters in new jersey.

But, chief, it only takes three
days to get back to earth.

I know that, 99, but
once you find the car

And get it out of the
parking lot at the airport,

And with the traffic into town,
believe me, it'll be another three days.

He's right, 99.
Come on, let's go.

Chief, can we give you a lift?

No, thanks. I'm
not gong that way.

Max, look! Professor pheasant.

Well, what's he doing in a
telephone booth reading a book?

That's not a
telephone booth, max,

that's a glass cell.

Of course. They've got
pheasant under glass.

Come on, 99.

Professor, we've come
to take you out of here.

I said,

We've come to break
you out of here.

Max, be quiet.

He can't hear us, max.

We've got to think of some
other way to communicate with him.

Wait a minute, 99. I'll
call him on my shoe phone.

Max, look. Kaos has
taken away the shoes.

- They've thought of everything.
- Not quite, 99.

how clever...

A sock phone!

- Hello.
- Hello, professor.

This is maxwell smart,
agent 86 of control.

- Yes, mr. Smart.
- Are you all right, professor?

Not bad, considering the brainwashing
they put me through every day.

But I didn't tell them anything
about my new secret formula.

Good, professor. We'll have
you out of here in no time.

I hope it's soon, mr. Smart.

I think I'm going to faint.

Oh, you're weak from
all that brainwashing.

No, from this phone call.

I've had these socks
on for five days.

Well, look, professor, we'll
have you out of here in a jiffy.

Now here's what I want you
to do: I want you to get down

On the floor of the cell so you
won't be hit by any flying glass.

Oh, you'll never be able to
break this glass, mr. Smart.

It's absolutely indestructible.

Not with what I've
got in this satchel.

Well, 99, we're going to have
to try the silent machine g*n.

- Okay, are you ready, 99?
- Ready, max.

Max, it didn't even
cr*ck the glass.


Have to use the laser g*n.

Right, max.

Max, that didn't work either.

We're never going to get the
professor out of the booth.

Wait a minute, 99. There's
one thing we haven't tried yet.

What's that?

I don't care what the
control lab comes up with

In new weapons.
Nothing can b*at this.

This always works.

Max, you broke the
basement window.

I told you it always works, 99.

Man: check on the basement.

Come on, 99. The window.

Max, the gates are locked.

Come on, 99.

The wall. We've got to
climb over that wall, 99.

I'll get up on top and then
I'll help you up. Come on.

max, I don't think
I'm going to do that.

What are you talking about,
you're not going to do that?

There are kaos agents
all over the grounds.

They're liable to find
us any minute. Come on.

Well, max, I just don't think that's
a very good thing for me to do.


Arguing with me? Come on.

Max, I didn't want to say
anything about this before,

but I went to see
a doctor today.



Oh no, max. In fact,
the doctor says

I've never been in better
physical condition.

Good. Let's get over that wall.

I'm going to have a baby, max.

A baby?

I think we've lost them, max.

- You can slow down now.
- I'm gonna teach that kid

How to play football and baseball
and basketball and maybe golf.

Just don't teach him how to
drive, max. Please slow down.

We've only got one minute
to make that phone booth

At 4th and fulton.

You're so excited about
becoming a father, max.

Maybe you'd better let me drive.

Too late, 99. There's
the phone booth.

Are you all right, 99?

I'm fine, max, but you've
knocked over the phone booth.

Now how are we gonna
get that important call?

Max, the phone's still working!

Hello. Maxwell smart here.

Max, here are your
follow-up instructions.

You're to take
professor pheasant

And proceed
immediately to pier 14

Where you'll board a
coast guard cutter to hawaii.

You're to remain in
hawaii for five days

Until you receive further
instructions. Have you got that, max?

- Not all of it, chief.
- What didn't you get?

- Professor pheasant.
- You didn't get professor pheasant?

- Max, do you know what this means?
- I'm not going to hawaii?

Hold on a minute, chief.

- Yes, what is it?
- Are you gonna be long?

- No, I'll be through in a minute.
- Well, then I'll wait.

Well, chief, now that I've
given you the bad news,

Are you ready for
some good news?

Well, I could
certainly use some.



What? Max, you and 99?

- Why, that's marvelous.
- And I'm gonna have my son follow

Right in my footsteps.
Just think, chief,

In a little while you'll have another
maxwell smart on your hands.

- I couldn't help it, chief.
- And to make matters worse,

You get yourself
involved in an accident.

You knocked over the telephone
booth. You attracted a crowd,

The police, the reporters,
the fire department.

Don't forget the
phone company, chief.

I don't care about the phone
company. That's your problem.

The important thing is to get
back to the problem at hand...

How to get professor
pheasant out of that glass cell.

Forget about that, chief. I'm telling
you that there is absolutely no way

In this world that you
can break that glass cell.

I'm not so sure, max.
Larabee, come in here.

Larabee: yes, sir.

Chief, I told you... We
tried machine g*ns,

We tried hand gren...

Larabee, has that sample come back
from the control lab yet?

- It's in there on my desk, chief.
- Bring it in.

I'll need somebody to help
me. That desk is pretty heavy.

I'll help you, larabee.

I don't want anybody to bring in
the desk. Just bring in the sample.

Oh, then I don't
need any help, chief.

Chief, I tell you, we
used the laser g*n.

we even used a brick, chief.

Max, will you be quiet and
just listen to me for a moment?

We think that professor pheasant's
glass cell has been constructed

Of some new kind
of nuclearized glass.

Now our scientists have been
working day and night in the control lab

To try to duplicate it. We
think they've succeeded.

I won't need you anymore,
larabee. You can go now.

Now, max, I want you to watch
that cubicle very closely.

keep your eye on
the cubicle, max.

- Any questions?
- Yeah, what's on the flip side?

Never mind what's on the
flip side. The point is that

That voice shattered
the unbreakable glass.

- But how?
- By hitting a note so high and so powerful

That it broke down the
components of the nuclear glass.

Why, that's fantastic,
chief. Who is this guy?

It's not a guy, max.
It's rosa la costa.

- Control's singing agent?
- that's right.

Wait a minute, chief. If she's
gonna go in and sing that note

To break that glass, we've gotta
get her into kaos headquarters.

That's already been
taken care of, max.

Belasco, like all kaos
agents, is an opera lover.

He also happens to be
a fan of rosa la costa.

Now we've arranged for
rosa la costa to give a concert

At kaos's secret
headquarters tomorrow night.

Oh, that's great, chief.

As soon as she hits the
note that breaks the glass,

- We move in.
- You and me, huh, chief?

No, me and larabee. You're going
to be rosa la costa's accompanist.

- I am?
- Yes.

She's going to
sing "chopsticks"?

No, she's not going
to sing "chopsticks."

If I'm gonna be her accompanist,
she's gonna sing "chopsticks,"

Because that's the only
thing I know how to play.

Max, you're not actually
going to be playing the piano.

You'll only be pretending
to play the piano.

Chief, you've got me confused. I don't
even know what you're talking about.

Max, these cartridges contain

Rosa la costa's
entire repertoire.

What am I supposed
to do with them?

You'll be using control's new
computer piano for the recital.

Now all you do is slip these
cartridges into the chamber,

Then pretend to be striking
the notes on the piano

- As they're being played.
- Well, that'll take a little practice.

That'll take a lot
of practice, max.

Mr. Smart, we have
been practicing


Have been dropping things

and picking them up
and dropping them again.

During all that time, I don't
think you have spent 10 minutes

- at the keyboard.
- well, I've been busy.

Let's continue.

After this aria there
will be 30 to 50 seconds

Of thunderous applause,

After which I will
say to the audience,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have a small

but well-deserved
round of applause

for my accompanist?"

That's when you stand
up and take your bow.

Oh, I'm good at that.

Hi there.

Oh, hello, chief.

Chief: well, max, you've
really done it this time.

i wanna see you down
here at the office immediately!

Why, chief? What's wrong?

What's wrong? I'll
tell you what's wrong.

Look at the morning paper.

Oh, it's a picture of me

Next to that phone booth
I knocked down yesterday.

Now read the caption.

"Secret agent not so secret."

Max, you didn't tell me

That a photographer
took your picture.

Yes, well, you see, chief.

I was so excited that
I guess I didn't realize

He was taking my picture.

You were so excited that
when he asked you who you were,

You told him you were
a secret control agent.

Well, you know, chief,
I'm gonna become a father,

And I guess I got a little
confused and upset.

You can understand that.

I can understand it,
max, but I can't accept it.

You've blown your
cover as a secret agent.

I don't know what
you're gonna do, max.

- Larabee.
- Larabee: yes, chief.

Come in here and bring the files

On all control agents
who are also musicians.

Well, at least let me
complete the pheasant case.

- Here you are, chief.
- Thank you, larabee.

That was a terrific picture of
you in this morning's newspaper, max.

Oh, thank you, larabee.

This file is empty. What about
holloway, marco, curtis?

- They're all musicians. Where are they?
- They're in vegas.

Then they open in
chicago for two weeks,

And then they play
detroit, pittsburgh.

- Are they on an assignment?
- You can call it an assignment.

- They call it a gig.
- Thanks anyway, larabee.

Max, you put me in
a terrible position

Getting your
picture in the paper.

There's nobody
to take your place.

Wait a minute, chief. If
my face is so well-known,

Supposing I had it changed.

Max, the recital
is tomorrow night.

You know how long
plastic surgery takes.

- Not if I go to proctor.
- Who's proctor?

- Hector proctor.
- Who's hector proctor?

A doctor. Dr. Hector proctor.

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

What is?

The fact you waited
this long to change it.

This may be a work
of art, mr. Smart.

It may very well
be my "mona lisa."

If you don't mind, doctor, I prefer
someone a little more masculine.

Close your eyes, mr. Smart.

Now let's take a
look at your new face.

It's an amazing technique,
max, but the face is all wrong.

But, chief, dr. Proctor
himself said

This a perfect face
for a secret agent.

Well, that's just the point.

His face is even more
well-known that yours.

Whose?

- Martin landau.
- Never heard of him.

I usually wait 48 hours

For the old face to return
before spraying on a new one.

I've never sprayed a new
face on a new face before,

So there's no telling
what we may get.

Yes, larabee.

Larabee: there's someone out
here who claims to be maxwell smart.

Well, is it or isn't it?

it sounds like him, but it
sure doesn't look like him.

Good. Send him in.

Well?

Max, everybody knows that rosa
la costa's accompanist is a man.

You look just like a
woman... The dress, the hair.

How about the face?

All right, let's see
what you look like now.

Splendid. Here,
see for yourself.

Hey, that's terrific, doctor.

I don't look like anybody
I've ever seen before,

Including myself. The
eyes are a little different

- And the nose is diff...
- Be careful, mr. Smart.

Those features won't be fully
dry for another 15 minutes.

Oh, and then they'll stay
that way for 48 hours?

Yes, provided you avoid
exposure to extreme heat.

Well, what'll
happen if I do that?

Nothing dangerous.
Your face will fall off.

I can just see myself

At that recital tomorrow night.

You may begin the
concert, mr. Belasco,

As soon as my
accompanist is here.

He's here.

Any luck with the professor?

One more brainwashing session and
he'll be ready to reveal the formula.

Excellent. We'll do it tonight
after everyone has left.

Hors d'oeuvres?

Oh, hi, 99. How do you feel?

I'm absolutely exhausted, max.

Do you know this is the
fourth tray of hors d'oeuvres

- I brought out of the kitchen?
- The guests are eating that much?

No, I am.

I'm absolutely
famished all the time.

Have you checked everything out?

Right, max. The professor's
still in his cell in the basement

And the computer piano was
delivered a couple of hours ago.

All right, now here's
what I want you to do.

Over your left
shoulder... Don't look...

There's a door
leading to the cellar.

Now when madame la
costa hits that high note,

I want you to make for that
door, get down those stairs.

- I'll be right behind you.
- Right, max. Oh, wait a minute, please.

- Thank you. That'll be enough.
- Oh, no, wait.

I think you'd better
get over by the door, 99.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I may have your
undivided attention,

we will start the recital.

As you all know, we are
to be honored this evening...

As I was saying, tonight
we will be honored

By the presence of the
music world's greatest

and most celebrated talents...

Have you quite finished?

And now without further ado

i am privileged to introduce

our distinguished guest

madame rosa la costa!

Dr. Proctor's: careful, mr. Smart.
Avoid exposure to extreme heat.

- Max: and what if I don't?
- Your face will fall off.

The piano player. There's
something wrong with his face.

That's the worst
nose job I've ever seen.

There's something strange
going on around here.

- That's maxwell smart!
- Hurry!

Come along!

- 99, Look.
- The glass didn't break!

Man: it's locked.

Max, what are we gonna do?

I promised control I
would break that glass.

And I'm going to break it,

One way or another.

Step aside.

Good work, madame la costa!

Come on, 99, we've gotta get
the professor out of here.

- How, max?
- Through the window.

That won't be necessary. We've taken
kadinsky and belasco into custody.

Oh, good work, chief.

Max, how much did
you pay for my ring?

I don't know, 99. What
difference does it make?

Why do you ask me a question
like that at a time like this?

Because of something that happened
when madame la costa hit the high note

- And all the glass was breaking.
- What has that got to do

- With your diamond ring?
- Diamond, max?