05x06 - Smart Fell on Alabama

[bunniefuu]

- Hello? Maxwell smart here.
- max, this is the chief.

Have you located
kaos agent bohrman?

Yes, chief. I understand that
bohrman is in the next compartment.

Perfect. Now, max,
listen very carefully.

- This is quite important.
- Right, chief.

As we suspected, bohrman is
taking kaos's new intelligence code

To their southern headquarters.

Then I'm to proceed with
our plan, right, chief?

Right. I want bohrman
delivering the wrong code

To colonel kirby's southern
plantation tomorrow.

- Right, chief.
- It's important, max.

Remember, if you can make
the switch successfully,

It'll set kaos's intelligence
operations back 10 years.

Don't worry, chief.
You can depend on me.

Has control agent
porter contacted you yet?

Not yet, chief, but he should
be contacting me any minute now.

Wait a minute. I
think that's him.

I'll get back to you.

- Who is it?
- it's me... Porter.

Well, I'm afraid
you've made a mistake.

- I didn't order a drink.
- Max, it's me... Agent porter.

Is that you, porter?

What a great cover! What ever made
you think of becoming a porter, porter?

Max, we're in luck. Bohrman
just ordered a drink

And I'm taking it
over there now.

That's great.

What did you just do?

Well, I put a knockout
pill in the drink.

- I already did.
- Oh.

Well, I hope that doesn't
make it too strong.

Bohrman's gotta get off
this train in the morning.

It doesn't look too strong.

It's okay.

max!

Are you all right?

Oh. Oh, I'm fine.

Now look, porter,
here's what you do:

You take this drink
over to bohrman

And when I think the drug
has had time to take effect,

I'll go in there and
switch the codes.

Good luck, max.

Hello, chief? Everything
is going perfectly.

Porter is taking the drugged
drink into bohrman's compartment.

Now when bohrman passes out,
I'll go over and make the switch.

Chief, I think bohrman
just passed out.

Now remember, max: you'll find the
codebook taped to bohrman's chest.

Taped to the
chest. Right, chief.

Chief's voice: now
remember, max:

you'll find the codebook
taped to bohrman's chest.

Well, you certainly picked a
fine time to be a gentleman, max.

Well, I couldn't help it, chief.

And besides, I didn't want
to get my face slapped.

How could bohrman slap your
face? She was unconscious!

I wasn't talking about bohrman.

I was talking about


If 99 weren't so
close to having a baby,

I could have assigned
her to the case.

Yeah, she could
have pulled it off.

Now that bohrman
has delivered the code,

We're forced to infiltrate colonel
kirby's plantation to make the switch.

I want to show you
some captured kaos film

To show you what
we're up against.

that's the colonel's plantation.

and that's the swamp
surrounding the plantation.

it's heavily infested
with alligators.

there's also a high wall
patrolled by sentries

24 hours a day.

that's him now...
Colonel kyle k. Kirby.

don't let his
appearances fool you, max.

though he may seem to be a
kindly southern gentleman,

he's really one of
the most ruthless,

cold-blooded K*llers
we've ever run up against.

I know, chief. I've eaten
in one of his restaurants.

Chief: colonel kirby is
proficient with most weapons,

but especially so
with the bullwhip.

Well, that's enough of that.

A cr*ck team of experts
trained in commando tactics

Will go to kirby's
plantation to switch the code,

But the right man
must lead them.

Well, it won't be the first time

I've had to do
something like this, chief.

Max, you've seen the plantation.
It's a veritable fortress!

Yes, well, I've gotten
into tough places before.

Well, you've seen the swamp,
the heavily armed guards,

The k*ller att*ck dogs.

I've also handled things
like that before, chief.

Max, this is a su1c1de mission.

Whoever goes will
probably never come back.

Yes, well, whoever it is,
chief, let's wish him good luck.

Good luck, max.

Convicts?

Max: well, we had no choice, 99.

We checked it out
with the computer

And the only three men with
the necessary qualifications

To carry out the mission are
now serving life sentences.

And you're willing
to work with them?

Well, it wasn't a
matter of that, 99.

It was a matter of whether or not
they were willing to work with me.

The chief finally got the
governor to grant them

Full pardons if the mission
came off successfully.

Well, I've gotta run
along. It's getting late.

We start training this morning and
I've only got two weeks to get ready.

- Ooh!
- What's the matter?

- My back aches a little bit.
- Oh.

Gee, 99, I sure hope you have the
baby before the two weeks is up.

I'd hate to have to be out on that
mission and worry about you and the baby.

Well, the doctor says
it'll be any day now.

- Well, I've gotta run along. Goodbye.
- Ooh.

- What's the matter?
- Your back again?

No, my foot...
You're standing on it.

All right, officer, you can
go back to the penitentiary.

These men are in my custody now.

All right, men, I'm maxwell
smart, your commanding officer.

So from now on when I talk to
you, you will snap to attention.

That's better, much better.

- Name?
- Simmons.

Why are you holding your
hands up like that, simmons?

Because these are the
most valuable things I own.

Without my hands,
I'd be out of business.

I don't recall asking
for a surgeon on this job.

- I'm a safecracker.
- Oh.

- Name?
- Murphy.

What do you do, murphy?

- Guess.
- Lumberjack?

I'm the muscle you asked for.

Oh.

- Name?
- Farley.

Oh yes, farley, I've
heard about you.

They say that you're the
greatest pickpocket in the country.

- In the world.
- oh really?

Well, we'll see about that.

All right, gentlemen,
now time is of the essence.

So in exactly...

Max, can I see you
over here for a minute?

How are things going, max?

Well, chief, they
need a lot of work.

I'm afraid we've
run out of time.

What are you talking
about, "run out of time"?

We've been training
for less than a week!

Max, kaos changed their plans.

We've just learned that
colonel kirby is turning the code

Over to their courier
at midnight tonight.

- Tonight?
- Yes, you'll leave for the south

In one hour. Let's
synchronize our watches.

Right, chief.

Farley!

Synchronize my watch!

Well, I want you to call
me on my wristwatch phone

The minute the
labor pains start.

Max, that won't be necessary.

The chief is standing by
to take me to the hospital.

I know, 99, but I want
to feel like I'm near you

At a time like that.

All right, I'll call you
on your wrist phone.

All right, now remember:

No matter what time
of the day or night,

No matter what I'm doing,
I want you to call me.

All right. Goodbye, love.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99.

Did you have the baby yet?

Of course, she didn't
have the baby yet.

What are you doing here?

I came here to take her to
the hospital to have the baby.

Well, we don't know when
she's going to have the baby.

She could have it tonight, she
could have it tomorrow night,

She could have
it the next night.

Gee, I hope not, max.
That's why I'm here now.

I'm tied up for the
rest of the week.

You mean to tell me that's all
the business you did last week?

Why, that's mighty
disappointing.

Mighty disappointing.

Is business that bad, colonel?

I tell you, bohrman honey,

It's a darn lucky thing
that all my restaurants

Are being used to
distribute kaos information,

Otherwise we'd
be out of business.

I am just amazed that
people don't cotton to

Your tennessee
fricassee frog legs.

They didn't go for my
tennessee fricassee eels

Or my tennessee
fricassee possum either.

Bohrman honey, will you please

Get that infernal
chicken out of the house?

Hey, there's something you
haven't thought of yet, colonel...

Chicken!

- Chicken?
- Yeah.

I can see it all now:

Colonel kirby's tennessee
fricassee chicken!

Who'd eat that?

Colonel honey,

We haven't been out of
the house in a long time.

We never go anywhere anymore.

Can't we go into town
tonight for some fun?

Not tonight, bohrman.

You know kessinger
the kaos courier

Is coming tonight
to pick up the codes.

But I'm so bored.

Bohrman...

Honey...

I've got a little surprise
for you up in the attic.

- You do, darling?
- I've been saving it a long long time,

Waiting for the right
woman to come along.

Oh, colonel, I'm so excited.

What is it? Well,
tell me what it is!

Ooh, it's something my
daddy gave me a long time ago

- That I saved.
- What? what?

Nobody knows this, honey...

But I've got a sl*ve left.

Keep moving.

Another 100 yards and
we'll be through the swamp.

Smart, I think I
see the plantation.

You're right, simmons. All
right, now here's what we'll do:

As soon as we get to land,

We'll hide this
boat in the woods,

And then we'll make our way to
the main gate of the plantation.

- Hello.
- hello, max?

It's for you.

- Hello, smart here.
- Hello, max. It's me 99.

Oh hi, 99. How are you feeling?

I'm fine, max, but you made
me promise to call you

The minute the pains started.

Oh, fellas, my wife is
beginning to get pains.

How far apart are they, 99?

I don't know yet...
I've only had one.

She's only had one so far.


Call me back when you get two.

Okay, max. Bye.

All right, men, let's go.
Come on, move out, move out!

Let's go. Move out.

Come on.

He's coming this
way. Okay, farley,

Here's where we find out just how
good a pickpocket you really are.

I want the keys off
that guard's belt.

Consider it done.

I only wanted the keys,
farley, not the dog.

You'd better take it, smart.
Farley gets offended real easy.

Thank you, farley.

It's a pleasure. What
else do you need?

Nothing. Now you're gonna
have to stay here with the dog

And watch him so
that he doesn't bark.

Simmons, murphy, let's go.

Open the gates, simmons.

Will you hurry up, simmons?!

I can't find the right key.

Here, let me try.

Murphy, what are you
doing inside the gate?

You're supposed to
be out here with us.

Then when we open
the gate, we all go in.

- How did you get in there?
- I bended the pole.

He bended the pole.

Come on.

All right, hold it.

Now the first thing...

- Hello?
- Hello, max. It's me again.

Oh hi, 99. How are you feeling?

Well, the pains are coming
every 20 minutes now,

But the doctor says not to be
concerned until they're 10 minutes apart.

All right. Now listen, when
they come 10 minutes apart

Call the chief and have him
come right over. Then call me.

I will, max. I love you.

I love you too, 99.

Smart, look.

It's kessinger the kaos courier.

Smart, I think that building
is the guards' barracks.

All right, now here's
what I want you to do:

Murphy, I want you to go
over there and lock them in.

Simmons, you come with me.
We've gotta get into the house,

Get into that safe and
switch the code before

The colonel can hand
it over to kessinger.

All right, let's go.

Man: who closed that door?

Man #2: open up!

open up!

Quick, close the door, simmons.

Now the safe should be
somewhere in this room.

Well, just don't
stand there, simmons.

You're the expert...
Find the safe.

I am an expert... At opening
them, not finding them.

Well, fortunately, I happen
to be an expert at finding them.

Now according
to my calculations,

The safe should be...

right behind that painting.

Are you sure?

There. Help me
move this safe over

So I can stand on it
and get a better look.

Well, just don't
stand there, simmons.

I found the safe. Now open it.

Hello?

Max? 99.

Oh hi, 99. How do you feel?

Well, the pains are


Oh, that's great! The pains are
coming 10 minutes apart now.

Beautiful!



No, max, but he should
be here any minute.

Listen, if everything
goes according to plan,

I should be back in
washington tomorrow morning.

- I'll come right to the hospital.
- Max, I'm so excited!

I can't talk anymore,


- I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?
- Okay.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

- How's it coming, simmons?
- I'm just about there.

Here. Hold the flashlight.

Right there.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know.

It must be the batteries.

Don't move. I know
exactly where it is.

Ow!

What's the matter?

You stepped on my hand!

Oh, sorry about that.

We'll take care of it later. Right
now we've got to open up that safe.

How am I gonna open up a safe when
I can't straighten out my fingers?

Well, what are we gonna do?

You're gonna open the safe.

Are you crazy? I never
opened a safe in my life.

I'll tell you what
to do. Come on.

Now turn it slowly.

One-quarter-turn to the right.

What next?

That's it. That was
closer than I figured.

Well, come on, make the switch.

Kirby: stay right where you are.

Kessinger, pick up that g*n.

So... Control agents, huh?

I don't know what
you're talking about!

We're just regular
run-of-the-mill, everyday burglars.

What's your name?

I don't have to give
you my name, colonel.

All I have to do is give you
my control serial number:



All right.

Now hand over the codebook.

We don't have the codebook.

You got us before we had the
chance to get it out of the safe.

go take a look for yourself.

That's right, colonel. We
don't have the codebook.

Good work, simmons.

Take a look for yourself.

Bohrman...

Keep them covered.

Kessinger, take the
codebook and get goin'.

Start distribution immediately.

Earlier this evening you complained
about being bored, bohrman.

Well, these gentlemen
are now gonna provide you

With a little entertainment...

before they die.

Now which one would
you like to see go first?

Mmm...

Start with the cute one.

It's always been my curse.

Not you. The cute one!

let him go first.
He seems so anxious.

All right, boy, start dancing.

I don't know how to dance!

However, I'm certainly
willing to learn.

Hold it!

- Hello?
- Hello, max?

The chief is waiting
for me downstairs.

I'm on my way to the
hospital right now.

Are you all right, 99?

Yes, the pains are coming
every 10 minutes now.

Good. Mine are coming
every five seconds.

Hey, just a minute, fella!

That was my wife
I was talking to!

Okay, that does it, colonel.

I'm not dancing for you anymore.

Really? We'll see.

Oh boy!

Honey colonel... Oh.

Colonel, are you all right?

- Hello?
- Well, you can stop worrying now, max.

We started for the hospital and
the pains stopped. It was a false alarm.

I'm happy to hear that, 99. I really
wanted to be with you when the baby came.

Well, it looks like the
case here is all wrapped up.

I'll be home first
thing in the morning.

Oh, that's wonderful,
love. See you then.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Simmons, come here.

Well, simmons, I
guess you realize

That this means a full pardon
for you and murphy and farley.

Well, I'll tell you something,
smart: I've learned my lesson.

As soon as I get out I'm goin'
into business for myself.

Well, I'm happy to hear that. What
kind of business are you going into?

I'm gonna become a
television repairman.

Oh. Well, if I were
you and I got out,

I'd go straight.