05x09 - Physician Impossible

[bunniefuu]

Correct me if I'm wrong,

But ain't today the day
they transfer my boy

Big eddie little to death row?

That's correct.

So what are we doing
sittin' here in this here car

In this one-horse town?

Because control knows
that we intend to intercept him

And free big eddie.

So why aren't we waitin' for
him at the train terminal de-pott?

Because that's not the way
they're transportin' big eddie.

It's not? Then how
are they gonna do it?

By a very clever,
ingenious method.

Turn around.

The dennisville
federal penitentiary

Is only six miles from here.
That's where we leave the race

- And drop off big eddie.
- Right, chief.

I'm gonna move up and
check with larabee.

Well, it won't be
long now, big eddie.

Tomorrow at this time
it'll be all over for you.

Yeah. The judge once told me

That someday I'd
walk the last mile.

If he had told me I'd
have to walk 50 miles

To get to the last mile,
I'd have gone straight.

So that's the way
they're gonna do it!

That certainly
explains a lot of things,

Like you asking me to come
to work in my underwear.

So far, larabee, I'm certain
we've outwitted kaos,

But keep your eyes open.
We can't be too careful.

- Right, chief.
- Is something wrong?

I stepped on a nail,
chief, and it's k*lling me.

Why don't you
stop and take it out?

And lose the lead?!

They're coming. Now
do exactly as I told you.

Max!

- What happened?
- I don't know, chief.

He was just here a second ago.

Chief, look!

Max, they're getting away!

Oh, no they're not. Stand back.

What a time to
run out of b*ll*ts!

I'm hit!

We're gonna get
you. I'll k*ll him!

So help me, I'm
gonna k*ll that man.

Max, you winged him.

Well, you could hardly
miss at this range, chief.

Come on.

I'll k*ll him. I'll k*ll him!

- I know you will...
- If it's the last thing I do...

- I'll get that smart!
- I know...

I know you will. Get in the car.

- Hurry up...
- Hurry up, get the car out of here!

I'll get you smart!

Try and get the number, max.

I got it chief.



Good, we'll call
the state police,

Give 'em that number
and have 'em pick up the car.

And pick up the shirt.

- What shirt?
- Big eddie's shirt.

Big eddie's shirt.
That's the number I got.

No trace at all? Well,
what about the road blocks?

How many have been set
up throughout the area?

That's a beautiful trophy they gave you
for winning the marathon race, larabee.

- You must be very thrilled.
- I am.

Now we have a set. I
have one, my wife has one.

Your wife is a professional
marathon walker?

No, she's a
professional wrestler.

Your wife is a
professional wrestler?

You probably saw her wrestle lots
of times on television and didn't know it.

- Really?
- Did you ever see battling biff bannister?

Big, tall, built like an ox,

Always wore a black
hood over the face.

Your wife wrestled
battling biff bannister?

My wife is battling
biff bannister.

All right. Let me know the
minute something breaks.

Larabee, I want you to
get me the flight schedule

Of all planes leaving
washington in the next two hours.

Right, chief.

Well, this is a fine time you
picked to leave town, chief,

While big eddie is
still on the loose.

I'm not leaving
town, max. You are.

Me? I can't leave town, chief.

My wife just gave
birth to twins.

I haven't even brought 'em
home from the hospital yet.

Max, when you
wounded big eddie little,

You signed your
own death warrant.

If he lives, you won't.

He is not only the most brutal,

Ruthless k*ller
in the underworld,

He's also the most vengeful.

I'm sorry, chief, I'm
not leaving town.

I've gotta go to the
hospital now and pick up 99.

Max, he'll follow you to the four
corners of the earth to get you.

You'll never know
a moment's rest.

You'll jump every
time you hear a noise.

You'll look at
every dark shadow,

Wondering if big eddie
little is lurking there.

That may be so, chief,

But I don't even know the
meaning of the word "fear."

Big eddie little has
k*lled 43 men in cold blood.

A sense of uneasiness

Caused by a feeling
of impending danger

Or a state of dread or alarm.

Radio announcer: and police
have cordoned off an eight-mile area

in the belief that big
eddie "the enforcer" little

is trapped somewhere inside it.

roadblocks have been set up

and authorities have
cautioned all citizens to...

Stupid, incompetent police.

They have us trapped.

It's only a matter of
time before they close in.

If we could only move big eddie.

- I got it!
- You got the b*llet out?

No, I got the stain out.

Why are you wasting time
trying to get the stain out?

You don't know big eddie.
He's a classy dresser.

He wouldn't go to a
hospital with a soiled shirt.

We can't take any chances
moving him to a hospital.

We gotta get the
b*llet out here.

If you want me to try,
I'll be happy to oblige.

Have you ever done this before?

Once, with a contemporary
of mine who was injured

During the business confab.

Did you successfully
remove the b*llet?

I didn't have any anastasia.

So I put a b*llet
between his teeth

And I told him to
bite down hard.

The trouble was,
he bit down too hard,

And the b*llet
went off and it hit me.

Reflex action, so
I took out my g*n,

I let him have it.

You mean... You sh*t him?

It was self-defense,
he sh*t me in the throat.

I want you to know that
prior to that incident,

I was a tenor.

You guys, knock it off

And get me a doctor.

I got a date to keep
with that maxwell smart.

When I find him, I'm gonna...

- He passed out again.
- He's lost a lot of blood.

And he's not gonna be getting any better
while that b*llet's still in his shoulder!

Put a b*llet right...

Wait...

Didn't we pass a
hospital on the way here?

Yeah, I remember a
sign said "don't honk."

That hospital couldn't be any more
than two or three miles from here.

right through
maxwell smart's head...

No no, that's too good for him.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna...

Still, it would be too dangerous
trying to bring him to the hospital.

What are we gonna do?

If you can't bring
mohammed to the mountain,

You bring the mountain to
mohammed. You understand?

You want me to go to the poconos

And bring dr. Mohammed,
tell him to come here?

I'm gonna put his feet in cement

and drop him in the river.

no, the river ain't deep enough.

you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna...

He's gettin' delirious. We
can't waste anymore time.

All right. Now you
go to the hospital,

Find a doctor
and bring him here.

Suppose he refuses to come?

Then you persuade him.
I think you know how.

Oh, you want me to tell him
my little doggie's very sick.

Whatever you wish.
Only make sure he comes.

You leave it to me, cortez.

Hey, go out the back way.

might be dark by the time
you return, so remember,

we're in the cabin
near the lake.

Cabin near the lake.

The cabin near the lake.

The cabin near the lake.

The cabin overlooking the lake.

Woman on p.a.:
call for dr. Glysol.

Hi, I'm maxwell smart.

Oh, mr. Smart, how
nice to see you.

Shh! Could you
hold it down, please?

What's the matter with
your throat, mr. Smart?

Laryngitis? I can get a
doctor and have it sprayed.

It won't take but a minute.

No no no, there's nothing
wrong with my throat.

I just came to pick up my wife
and the twins and take them home

And I don't want the whole
world to know I'm here.

Oh, it's a secret, huh?

- Huh?
- A secret.

Yes, a secret.

Well, I've got a secret for you.

You can't take the twins
home for another few days.

- You're kidding!
- I know how you must feel.

But it's only for a few days.

They're not up to weight yet.

Mrs. Smart is in the incubator
room with the twins now.

- Thank you.
- Oh, mr. Smart?

You'll have to put on a sterile
mask and gown before you go in there.

Thank you.

Nurse: oh, mr. Smart!

Would you mind not shouting
my name all over the hospital?

I can't afford to call
attention to myself.

Oh, max, aren't they beautiful?

I wish we could take
them home right away.

Well, don't worry, 99, it'll
only be a couple of days.

Besides, you need time to
get your strength back.

But I feel absolutely marvelous.

I've never felt
better in my life.

I'm worried about
you, though, max.

- Oh, you mean big ed.
- Yes.

Why don't you do what the chief
said and go away for a couple of days?

I'm not gonna leave you
and the babies alone, 99.

Besides, I don't think there's
anything to worry about.

Big ed will be caught
within the next 12 hours,

And all I have to do is
find some place to lay low

- Where he can't find me.
- Where?

- Rome.
- Be serious, max.

There must be some place...

Don't move, doc.
You're coming with me.

You too, nursie.

Eddie: a rope! I'll tie a
rope around his neck.

Good, you brought the doctor.

- Al: and a nurse.
- Excellent.

All right, you can remove
your blindfolds now.

- Where are we?
- Please, you must forgive our methods,

But it was imperative that
we get you here, doctor.

Now, look, I'm gonna
explain this to you once more

Like I explained it to him at
the hospital and in the car.

You have made a
terrible mistake.

I am not a doctor.

Now you listen to me. There's
a man dying in that bedroom,

And you were brought
here to save his life.

The only thing that keeps
me from pulling this trigger

Is the fact that
you're a doctor.

- Did you hear that, nurse?
- I certainly did, doctor.

What seems to be
wrong with this man?

He's got a b*llet
in his shoulder.

Ah. Well, of course you
know I am required by law

To report all g*nsh*t wounds.

Except in the shoulder.

- Where's your surgical bag?
- Huh?

Ooh! The surgical bag.

Yes, it's... Do you have
the surgical bag, nurse?

No, doctor, I
thought you had it.

We must have left it
back at the hospital.

Well, we can't go in there and operate
without the proper surgical tools, can we?

I'm afraid we'll have to
go back to the hospital.

Of course, under
the circumstances,

There'll be no charge
for this house call.

Hold it!

While I was in the hospital,
I stole a surgical bag.

- It's in the car.
- Go get it.

Okay.

Eddie: a plane and a train.

i'll drop him from a
plane in front of a train!

Wait here.

What are we gonna do, max?

There's only one
thing we can do.

- I'm gonna have to operate, 99.
- Max, you can't do that.

- You're not a doctor.
- But I don't have any alternative.

I'm going to have to go in there

And take that b*llet
out of that shoulder.

Max, you can't.

You're so squeamish. You can't
even stand the sight of blood.

Yes, well, I don't
plan to watch.

Here's your bag. Go
ahead, get in there.

You too, nursie, come on,
come on. Let's go, come on.

Come on, come on.

Well now, I think the
first thing we should do

Is take a look at the patient.

Let's see...

Nurse, look at these
hands, they're beautiful.

They're so delicate. Is
this man a famous musician?

You're close.

He's a famous hoodlum.
That's big eddie little.

Whose voice do I hear?

It's a doctor, big eddie.
I brung ya a doctor.

Good boy, al.

Come here, doc. I wanna
tell you something.

- Your mask, doctor.
- Oh, yes.

Look, doc...

You gotta pull me through.

You gotta see that
I live long enough

To get even with the
guy that done this to me.

Don't worry, big eddie.
We're here to help you.

Enough talk. Remove the b*llet.

- What b*llet?
- The b*llet in his shoulder, doctor.

Oh, that b*llet.

Yes, well, I think we should
clear the room, nurse.

Right. If you gentlemen
will just step out now...

The doctor will let you
know when he's finished.

Remember... He dies, you die.

That's not fair,
I die either way.

Now max, quick. Now's our
chance to contact the chief.

But there's no
phone up here, 99.

Max, your shoe.

Oh, right.

I don't like this, larabee.

Big eddie is still on the loose,

And max and 99 disappeared
right out of that hospital

And haven't been
heard from since.

What don't you
like about it, chief?

Where could they be?

Hello? It's max.

- Say hello for me.
- Go on, max. Where are you?

Chief, I can't talk too loud.

Now, listen carefully.


Captured by big eddie.

We're being held
c*ptive in a cabin

On the shores of a lake.

I'll be there as soon as I can

With every available man.

Now, pinpoint for me
exactly where the cabin is.

Get on the other phone, larabee.

Now, look, chief, even though we were
blindfolded when we left the hospital,

I think I can tell you
exactly how we got here.

Go on, max. Get
this down, larabee.

After we left the hospital,

We drove about 12
blocks and came to a stop.

Then we heard church
bells. They rang seven times.

Then we made a left turn
and drove about... How far, 99?

About five miles, chief.

And then just before
we left that road,

We passed a place where I
heard a banging and scraping

And twisting of metal.

I guess it was an
auto-wrecking yard.

It was a parking lot, chief.

Then we went
through a long tunnel,

Made a turn and came
onto a bumpy road.

Then we made a right turn,
came onto a mountain road,

Drove for about 12
minutes until we got here.

We're being held in a two-room
cabin overlooking a lake.

I know that place. I was stationed
near there when I was in the army.

Max, we're on our way.

Okay, larabee, where is it?

Six miles south of berlin.

What do we do until
they get here, max?

- We'll have to stall.
- How?

I don't know, but let's make it
look like we're doing our job.

- Right.
- Come over here and help me get him up

- And walk him around the room.
- What do you wanna do that for?


Walking is good for you.

Not if you have a b*llet
in your shoulder, max.

That's in case you've taken
an overdose of sleeping pills.

Oh, well, maybe I've got
some sleeping pills in my bag.

Oh, max...

Where's the doc? Is
the b*llet out yet?

It's all right, big eddie. We're just
gonna change your dressing now.

- Doctor, may I have the basin, please?
- Thank you.

Don't worry, big eddie. We'll have
that b*llet out of there in no time.

It's the b*llet, 99.

It must have come out when
you slapped him on the back!

What's taking so long?

Relax. A b*llet in the shoulder

- Just doesn't pop out by itself, you know.
- Yeah, that's true.

What are we gonna
do with it, max?

Shh!

Well, I think we
can get this b*llet

Out of here in no time at all.

Big eddie?

Big eddie, wake up. I
want to talk to you.

He can't hear you, max.
He's really out this time.

Big eddie! Big eddie!

What?

Big eddie, wake up. I
want to talk to you.

W-what is it, doc?

I think it's only
fair to warn you,

I don't have an anesthetic.

Go ahead, doc. I can take it.

Okay, but I don't think
you should watch.

Yeah.

Okay, now according
to my calculations,

The b*llet should be
somewhere in the upper torso,

Around the shoulder area.

I would say that
it would be about

Halfway between the head

And the fingers.

However, I am sure
that we can get it out!

- okay, nurse, are you ready?
- all ready, doctor.

Okay, give me one
of those things.

- The scalpel, doctor?
- Eh, yes, whatever.

- Would you like a sponge?
- Yes, give me one of those too.

Are you ready for a suture?

Sure, sure. Suture, suture.

- What about the thermostat, doctor?
- Yes, well,

It seems fairly
comfortable in this room,

But if you're a little
warm, I could turn it down.

All right, big eddie.

Here we go. I'm
going in to get it.

- Are you ready?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay...

Ooh!

- Got it!
- Good work, doctor!

Doc, doc.

You've got golden hands.

- I didn't feel a thing.
- Well, that's one of the advantages

Of working with
a skilled surgeon.

Nice. Would you mind asking
al to come in here, please?

Of course.

Doc! Doc...

No matter what the outside
world may think of me,

Among my peers I'm considered

A well-meaning,
good-natured slob.

you saved my life, doc.

Big eddie won't forget.

From now on until
your dying day,

Anything you want in
the world... Anything!

I'm gonna see you get it.

Well, thank you very much,
big eddie. That's very nice of you.

- My pleasure.
- Goodbye and good luck.

Thank you.

How do you feel, big eddie?

Just fine, al. Just fine.

And that doc, he's
okay in my book.

- What do you want me to do with him?
- k*ll him.

- What about the nurse?
- Al!

The nurse happens to be a lady.

k*ll her first.

Well, that just about
wraps things up here.

My nurse and I are
due back at the hospital

So we'd appreciate it if
you'd give us a ride back,

If it's not too much trouble.

Oh. Well, if it's
that much trouble,

We'll just take a cab.

Hold it. Turn around. I ain't
sh*t nobody in the back yet.

Al, I'd advise you
to drop that g*n

And for the rest of you
to give yourselves up.

- You must be joking.
- I think not.

Because at this very moment

This cabin is
completely surrounded

By two squads of control agents.

You're bluffin'. Nobody
knows you're here.

Oh, really? Well,
we'll see about that.

All right, chief, move in!

Chief on bullhorn: okay, max!

All right, you men in there, the
cabin is completely surrounded.

Come out with your hands up.

Come and get us, you dirty,
lousy, rat fink coppers!

- Hey, watch your language!
- That's the only language I know!

- Larabee, let 'em have the tear gas.
- Right chief.

Tear gas.

Max! What did you do that for?

Are you kidding, 99?
That was a tear gas b*mb.

That stuff is
m*rder on your eyes.

What's going on here?

Oh, hi, big eddie. They
threw in a tear gas b*mb

- And I threw it out the door.
- You're smart.

- Thank you.
- Maxwell smart!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Chief: are you coming out?

We're outnumbered
and surrounded.

We have no choice
but to surrender.

He's right, big eddie. To sh**t it
out with them would be su1c1de.

All right, gentlemen.

I suggest that you
drop your g*ns.

Okay, boys, drop your g*ns.

Al?

Al! You got me.

I didn't get ya.
Cortez's g*n got you.

No no, it was your g*n.

My g*n got you, big
eddie's g*n got me.

No no.

My g*n didn't get you, cortez.

My g*n got... One-way al's.

I saw the whole thing.

Big eddie's g*n got al,
and al's g*n got you.

That's the way I saw it.

No!

The way I saw
it, I got hit with...

Why are you guys so stubborn?


I saw the whole thing.

What do I have to
do to convince ya?

Big eddie's g*n went off...