05x11 - Age Before Duty

[bunniefuu]

control headquarters.
This is the chief.

Hello, this is max. I'm
at the pirate's cove.

Good, you are to contact
control agent carruthers.

We received an urgent phone
call from him a little while ago

Requesting contact with another
control agent as soon as possible.

Carruthers.

He must be the new kid. I
don't think I've met him yet.

No, you haven't. You
are to identify yourself

With the words
"I lost my dinghy."

He will then identify
himself by the countersign...

"Why don't you try the
brooklyn navy yard?"

I lost my dinghy,

And then he'll say,

"Why don't you try the
brooklyn navy yard?" Right, chief.

I lost my dinghy.

I lost my dinghy.

I think you're a little dingy.

I lost my dinghy.

I'll tell ya what I think, mate:

You probably got a
rubber ducky in every port.

Did I hear you say
you lost your dinghy?

That's right, old timer.

- Bartender!
- Be right with you.

Why don't you try the
brooklyn navy yard?

Why don't you try the
brooklyn navy yards?

The brooklyn navy yards?

It's me... Carruthers.

Well, now this is a coincidence,

I was supposed to meet
your son here tonight.

You're supposed to meet me here.

- I'm carruthers.
- Oh.

The chief didn't tell me
you'd be wearing a disguise.

This is no disguise.

that's why I telephoned
headquarters.

When I woke up this morning,
I had these gray whiskers.

And by afternoon, all the
rest of my hair turned gray,

and my face had wrinkled.

- You having trouble with your wife?
- I ain't married.

- Somebody else's wife?
- You're missing the point.

Look at me.

I'm only 28 years old.

You don't look it.

Smart, something
terrible is happening to me.

I'm dying of old age

Right before your very eyes.

I...

- What'll it be, mac?
- You'd better pour him a drink.

This guy's in pretty bad shape.

- The man's dead.
- Oh, well in that case,

You'd better make it a double.

And that's all he said, max?

- That's all, chief.
- But I don't understand it.

I don't know what
this is all about,

But why can't my customers
come back in here and drink?

I'm sorry, this is
government business.

Are you kidding? There's a
man that's been m*rder*d

Lying over there on
the pinball machine,

And you want people
to come back here

And dance and
drink and carry on?

Why not? They do it every night.

You mean there's a
k*lling here every night?

Well, not every night.
We're closed mondays.

But we have two on saturday.

- What day is this?
- Friday.

- Whew.
- That was the lab

With the report
on the fingerprints.

- That's carruthers, all right.
- 99, That's impossible.

I'm through now.

- Did you find the cause of death?
- Old age.

How could a 28-year-old
man die of old age?

Probably too much wine,
women and song, chief.

Max, carruthers
was a religious man.

He never drank, he never smoked,
he never went out with women.

Look at him now.
How terrible for him.

Why? He's not missing anything.

I don't like the looks of it.

It has all the
indications of a kaos plot.

But if it is, then that means
any one of us could be next.

You don't seem very
impressed, lucheck.

I'm not. At least not yet.

So far I only have your
word that this works.

If what you claim is true,
this call will verify it.

Don't stand there, kinsky,

- Answer the telephone!
- Where is it?

Where is it, where is it?!
Look in the classified pages!

This is kaos. Kinsky here.

i'll tell him.

It was the bartender
at pirate's cove.

Control has just left
with carruthers' body.

You see, I told you it works.

Now it appears
we can do business.

You claim you can do this
with every control agent?

All I need is their photographs,
and I'll touch them up with this.

That's how you
do it? Gray paint?

Oh, this isn't ordinary
gray paint, lucheck.

This is a special blend
of oils and rare extracts

Used for centuries by voodoo
priests to practice black magic.

It took me 10 years to
perfect this formula.

I call it dorian gray.

You really age a man
that much in just a day?

That's an 8x10.

A 5x7 I can do in two hours.

As I apply some gray to the
hair or some wrinkles to the face,

At that very moment the same thing
is happening to the person physically

- Wherever he is.
- Truly ingenious.

Tell me, what price
do you have in mind

- For disposing of control?
- $100,000.

- It's a deal.
- Good.

I'll get started immediately.

You know, as
brilliant as you are...

- You're a poor businessman.
- Why do you say that?

For what you're about to do

I would gladly have
paid you $1,000,000.

It's you who are the
poor businessman.

I would have gladly
done it for nothing.

There's some things more
important than money.

- Like what?
- Like revenge.

Oh, however, there is
one more thing I'll need.

Once a job is completed,
I'll have to go into hiding.

- What do you wish?
- I would like a plane ticket to miami.

- How about cuba?
- I would prefer miami.

Cuba we can get you to.
Miami we can't guarantee.

- Hello?
- Hi, 99. This is larabee.

- Did I get you at a bad time?
- No, larabee.

I just put the twins to sleep.

I wanted to get the telephone
before it woke them up.

By the way, thank you
so much for the baby gift.

- Oh, did the store send it out already?
- Yes.

And it's absolutely adorable.

I'm looking forward to meeting your
wife so that I can thank her in person.

You could have done
that when you got the gift.

That was my wife
who delivered it.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I hope that she won't be
offended that I tipped her.

- How much did you give her?
- A dollar.

She wasn't offended.
Can I talk to max?

I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him all day.

Neither have we. When
did you see him last?

This morning, when we went to the
control lab to get our i.d. Pictures taken.

As soon as you hear from him, will
you have him call headquarters?

Sure will. Bye-bye.

- Who is it?
- max.

Oh, I was beginning to
get worried about you.

Are you all right?

I feel terrible, I don't know
what is the matter with me.

- I must be coming down with something.
- Oh, poor max.

Sit down and I'll
get you some brandy.

Where have you been all day?

I had to take agents harrington
and wilson to the airport.

- Where are they off to?
- Phoenix.

- What's in phoenix?
- Sun city.

Oh, max, not them too.

That makes 15
control agents so far.

And every one of them
turned old over night

- Just like carruthers.
- But, max,

Doesn't the chief have
any idea what's causing this?

You know, it's only a
matter of time until...

Max! Your sideburns!

Oh, yes, I decided
to let them grow.

But they're growing white.

- They are?
- I'll get a mirror.

Max, your hair!

- What about my hair?
- Look at yourself.

Is that me?

You know something, I don't
look too bad with gray hair.

Don't you realize
what's happening?

They're doing it to you too.

you're turning old
right before my eyes!

Now, let's not panic.

Just because I came
home a little tired

And my hair is turning a little gray
doesn't mean that I'm growing old.

Max, I want you to call
the chief right away.

That's exactly
what I'm going to do,

Right after I take my nap.

- Control headquarters.
- Hello, this is 99.

- I must speak to the chief immediately.
- He's not here.

He's down in the photo lab
having his i.d. Picture taken.

Switch me down there right away.
Maybe I can catch him before he leaves.

Sure, hold on a minute.

Transfer this call to
the photo lab, please.

Hello, felix. This is agent


No, he left a short time ago.

You're welcome.

Bye, 99.

Chief!

Chief!

- Yes?
- Who are you?

I'm the chief. Who are you?

- I'm max.
- They got you too?

Boy, look at us, we're
old, withered, decrepit.

What a cruel thing to do to us.

And especially me.

I mean, you were halfway
there already, chief.

Where's 99?

She was right behind me.

- Oh, here she is now.
- Hello, chief.

Good grief, 99, you look...



When did this happen to her?

I don't know. We were
just driving along,

I was doing maybe


And I turned around and looked
at 99, and she was doing about 80.

You look exhausted, 99.
Why don't you sit down?

- You too, max.
- Huh?

- Why don't you sit down?
- Oh, I thought I was.

In view of what's happening
to everybody, I took the liberty

Of changing this saturday's
control golf tournament.

To what, sunday?

- No, to checkers.
- Thank you, larabee.

Come back here.

What are you doing?

I'm placing larabee under arrest

For the m*rder of carruthers,
the attempted m*rder of the chief,

And 99, harrington,

Worthington, sloan, carvellas,

Vash, duffeld...

- Max!
- And max.

Put the p*stol
down. You're crazy.

I'm not crazy. I may be a
little senile, but I'm not crazy.

What made you think larabee
had anything to do with it?

Because larabee is the
only one who remained young

While all the rest
of us grew old.

Max, don't you think that
the man who's behind all this

Would have to possess the
brain of a scientific wizard

An absolute genius?

- Sorry, larabee.
- So am i.

If you don't need me for anything
else, I'll be down at the photo lab.

- I haven't had my i.d. Picture taken yet.
- All right, larabee.

Larabee, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

How many of our agents haven't
had their pictures taken yet?

Everybody's had
their picture taken.

I'm the last one on the list.

Don't you think there's
some connection

Between the fact that all of our control
agents have had their pictures taken

and all have turned
old, except larabee,

Who hasn't turned
old and is the only one

Who hasn't had his
picture taken yet?

- What do you think, max?
- About what?

But if that's true,
that means that felix

The lab photographer
might be connected with kaos.

It wouldn't be the first time
we had a defector in our midst.

larabee, I don't want
anybody to leave the building.

I want you to seal off
every door immediately.

We have got to get
down to the photo lab.

Not our door, larabee!

We're too late. Felix is gone.

Looks like he's taken
everything with him.

Oh, thank heaven
he left some chairs.

Those were a lot of stairs.

It's a good thing we were
going down instead of coming up.

Oh, too late I see.

You're right, all
the chairs are taken.

- Max.
- Oh, right.

- Go ahead, you can have my chair.
- Oh, don't bother.

That's all right. I'll just
take this wastepaper basket,

And turn it upside
down and sit on it.

What's that that fell
out of the wastebasket?

It looks like an old photograph

That was ripped up.

Agent 99: who is it, max?

Max: let's see,

if it wasn't for the nose,
I'd say it was carruthers.

But you've got the ear where
the nose is supposed to be.

I know that, chief.

- Max: there.
- agent 99: now who is it?

If it wasn't for the ear, I would
swear that was carruthers.

That's carruthers. That's exactly
the way he looked when he d*ed.

Don't be ridiculous.

I was with carruthers
when he d*ed.

There were no
pictures taken of him.

Wait a minute.

If there were no
pictures taken of him,

Then how did felix get ahold of a
picture with him looking that old?

- You're right.
- About what?

- What you just said.
- Oh, uh...

What did I just say?
I wasn't listening.

Chief, look at the
gray hair and the lines.

This photograph
has been retouched.

Yes, it looks as though it's
been retouched with gray paint.

Look at this, chief, it's paint.

Dorian gray.

Let me see that.

Now I remember.

Six months ago, felix
came to me and claimed

That he could age people by just
retouching their photographs.

I thought he was an eccentric.

I shrugged him off. I told
him I wasn't interested.

Obviously kaos didn't
think he was eccentric.

They must have
made a deal with him.

I guess that just about
wraps up this case.

Wait a minute. Felix has the
power to make us old enough to die.

We've got to find
him and stop him.

And to find an
antidote, if there is one.

Look at me. I just gave birth to
twins and now I'm too old to raise them.

Well, it's perfectly normal
for you to feel that way.

It's a drag that you
have to look that way.

Max, you and I have to go to
kaos headquarters and stop felix.


Get a photograph of felix

Out of my files and wait there.

Now if we haven't
shown up by 10:00,

Then you take some
of this dorian gray

And start retouching
his photograph.

I think there's enough in this bottle
to show him two can play at this game.

Tonight we will eliminate the
remaining members of control.

- Beginning with these.
- All right, let's get started.

Just one more stroke of dorian
gray on these photographs

And they'll expire. Who
shall we start with?

Both: maxwell smart.

Who is it?

Max: building
maintenance service.

we have to get in there
to clean the office.

Building maintenance service. They
have to get in here to clean the office.

Tell them to do the other
offices first, then come back later.

Do the other offices first,
and then come back later.

Max: they said to do the other
offices and come back later.

Chief: i know, I heard.

tell them we've already done the
other offices and this is the last one.

Max: we've already done the
other offices. This is the last one.

They've already done
all the other offices.

This is the last...

I heard him. Tell him to
forget about it tonight.

Forget about
this office tonight.

Max: he says to
forget this office.

Chief: will you stop
repeating everything he says?

tell them we have to get in to empty
the wastebaskets or we'll be fired.

Max: we have to get in to
empty the wastebaskets,

- or we'll be fired.
- the have to get in to empty the waste...

I know. Let them
in. Open the door.

Wait until they leave.

- It's over there.
- What is?

The wastebasket. Make
it snappy. We're busy here.

- Excuse me, felix.
- Certainly.

- Smart!
- All right, hold it.

Everybody stay
right where you are.

What kind of w*apon is that?

- It's a bazooka-broom.
- Bazooka-broom?

You mean to tell me that can
actually fire a bazooka shell?

Not only that, but it sweeps
up the mess afterwards.

I don't believe you.

Let 'em have it, max.

Uh, there's no trigger, chief.

All right, drop it.

Max, do you realize
what you've done?

You took a real broom from
the control weapons lab.

- Now we're really in trouble.
- You think we're in trouble?

How about doc simon?

She's over at the control
lab sweeping up with a bazooka.

You're just in time to witness

Felix put the final stroke
on your photographs,

And your lives.

Felix, proceed.

I'll start with smart.

Just a minute, I don't
think that's fair.

I mean, after all, the
chief does have seniority.

- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- And why not?

Because at this
moment control agent 99

is waiting in my office
with your photograph

And a vial of dorian gray.

This is the only dorian
gray in existence.

I wouldn't be too
sure about that, felix.

Have you ever
heard the old saying

"Waste not, want not"?

- No, I haven't.
- Oh.

- How about you?
- I haven't either.

How about you?

I've heard of it.

I don't know what good that
does us. You're on our side.

What smart is trying to tell you

Is that the vial of dorian gray

That you discarded
in the photo lab

Was not completely empty.

There was still enough left for
agent 99 to retouch your photo

And make you old enough
to die in a matter of minutes.

They're bluffing. Come
on, finish them off.


Start applying the dorian gray

If she doesn't hear
from us by 10:00.

It's 10:00 now.

Don't listen to them.
It's a control trick.

Oh really? Look at your hand.

My hand, it's all withered.

And your hair,
it's turning white.

Shall I finish them off?

No, we don't dare take a chance.

They may have
pictures of us too.

I feel weak. I'm
old. I'm going to die.

Quick, get her on the
phone. Tell her to stop.

Not until you give
us the antidote.

That's just it...
There is no antidote.

Oh, there isn't any antidote.

There isn't any antidote?

I'm so sleepy, so tired.

All right, mr. Smart,
this is the end for you.

Hold it. Get your hands up.
Get over against that wall.

Come on, you
too. Move. Let's go.

You're young again!

I know. What happened?

Look at your picture.

That bottle I threw at lucheck,

It must have had something in it

That washed the dorian
gray from my picture.

There must be some chemical
in this cleaning solution

That also works as an antidote.

Let me see that.

Handy all-purpose item

For cleaning
draperies, upholstery,

Bathroom tile, and appliances;

Good also for the
removal of grease stains,

Lipstick stains, and dorian gray

From photographs that
have been retouched by felix."