05x15 - House of Max: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Hello, scotland yard.

Chief inspector
sparrow speaking.

I've had no sign of the
american control agent

I was supposed to meet. Are you sure
he was given the correct directions?

Hold on a minute, there's
somebody coming. It may be he.

There'll be bluebirds over
the white cliffs of dover.

That's not uncommon
for this time of the year.

A nightingale sang
in berkley square.

You don't find too
many of them anymore

Since they removed the statues.

Oh.

Johnny doughboy
found a rose in ireland.

- To each his own.
- Now we're getting someplace.

You must be inspector
sparrow, scotland yard.

Don't tell me you're
maxwell smart of control.

Of course I'm maxwell smart.

Why do you think I've been
giving you all those passwords?

How come you didn't
acknowledge them?

We don't use old song
titles as passwords anymore.

You don't? What do you use?

Lyrics from beatles tunes.

Yes. Well, inspector,

I understand that you're
having a little trouble over here.

That's putting it mildly.

Mr. Smart, 12 people have been
brutally m*rder*d here in london.

That's why we asked your
government to send someone to help us.

Well, you can put your
mind at ease, inspector.

They've sent you their best man.

By the way, inspector, have you any
clues as to the identity of the k*ller?

Oh, we know who the
k*ller is, mr. Smart.

- It's jack the ripper.
- Jack the ripper?

Of course.

Jack's little boy.

Jack the ripper jr., The
son of jack the ripper.

No, mr. Smart. Jack the ripper
sr., The original jack the ripper.

Inspector, are we talking
about the same man?

The man who terrorized london
at the turn of the century?

I know what you're thinking.

"How could he possibly
be running around today?"

Obviously on very old legs.

The ripper usually strikes
when the city is heavy with fog.

Therefore I don't think
he'll strike tonight.

But then again, one can never be too
sure when dealing with a deranged k*ller.

Yes, well, inspector, I suggest
that we start and comb the city.

Splendid. We'll
start with hyde park.

Oh good, that'll give you
a chance to meet my wife.

- Meet your wife?
- Yes, that's where she is.

In hyde park?

Yes. She wanted to take
a little stroll in hyde park.

And I thought that would be a
good idea because I didn't want

Her to come with me. I
thought it might be dangerous.

Mr. Smart, you've placed her
in the gravest possible danger.

Eight women were m*rder*d
while strolling in hyde park.

Well, don't worry,
inspector. She has a g*n.

- Thank heavens for that.
- Yes, as a matter of fact,

I just had it fixed for her. You
see, the f*ring pin was a little loo...

- Max!
- 99, Are you all right?

I guess so. Who is he?

You'll never believe me
when I tell you who that is, 99.

You'll think I'm crazy,
that I'm stark raving mad.

In a million years you'll
never believe who that is.

That's jack the ripper.

Oh. So that's jack the ripper.

Inspector sparrow, I'd like you to
meet my wife, mrs. Maxwell smart.

How do you do, ma'am? I wish we could've
met under more pleasant circumstances.

Yes, it is rather foggy tonight.

Is this man really
jack the ripper?

Mrs. Smart, this is not a man.

You mean this is
jacqueline the ripper?

It's neither a man nor a woman.

It's not even a human being.

- What is it then?
- A wax dummy.

These men were picked
up in the hyde park area.

All of them have records.

- What do you think, mr. Smart?
- The man on the end with the mustache.

Anyone with a face as evil as that had to
have something to do with jack the ripper.

- The chap on the end you say?
- Yes, definite criminal type.

That's my assistant,
sergeant poole.

Oh. He didn't happen to be a criminal
before he became a sergeant, did he?

I'm sorry, I don't remember seeing
any of these men in hyde park tonight.

We must be positive, mrs. Smart.

Now take a long, hard look.

Nope, their faces are
absolutely unfamiliar.

Of course it was very foggy.

Well, we may not have caught
the proper fish in our net,

- But we did come up with something.
- A candle?

Yes, the chap at the end, the
one with the scar, had it on him.

Sergeant poole, dismiss the others.
Hold the man who had the candle.

Well, at least we
know one thing.

- It's pretty obvious.
- What's that, max?

Well, the man with the scar
is definitely a candlemaker.

- No, he's a pickpocket.
- Oh.

A pickpocket who's a
candlemaker on the side?

A pickpocket who doesn't
believe in electricity?

I can tell you one
thing he does believe in:

That preposterous code all
criminals have of refusing to talk.

Getting information
out of these devils

- Is like pulling teeth.
- I wish harold feinberg were here.

- Who's harold feinberg?
- My dentist.

It'd take more than a dentist

To get information
out of him, mr. Smart.

I wonder if the methods we
use at control would work here.

I'd like to give it a
cr*ck, inspector.

I think you're wasting
your time, but go ahead.

- Will you be all right, 99?
- Oh, I'll be fine, max.

- We're in scotland yard.
- Oh, good.

Long john silver.

- What?
- He does great impressions.

Name?

I asked you your name, fella.

I said what is your name?

My name is maxwell smart.

Mr. Smart.

- His name is wiggs.
- Huh?

- Wiggs.
- Wiggs. Yes, I suspected as much.

All right, biggs, start talking.

You saw how easily I was
able to obtain your name.

Now I can just as easily
go back over there

And get your address
and your phone number.

I can keep this up for
as long as you can.

Look here, wiggs,

Refusing to cooperate with us
would seem foolhardy at best.

You know as well as I do there
are a number of petty crimes

We can attribute to your
somewhat dubious talents.

Therefore, cooperating
with us would seem most wise.

The inspector's right, wiggs.

If you don't talk now, it'll be
much worse for you later on.

All right. What do
you want to know?

That's better.
All right, smiggs,

This candle which was
found in your possession

When you were taken
into custody is made of wax.

- Now don't deny that.
- Deny what?

That the ruddy
thing's made of wax?

It'd better be. That's
why I pinched it.

- I see.
- So I pinched me a candle.

Yes, but why did you pinch it?

Why did I pinch it?

Because they turned
the bleedin' lights out

In me digs. that's why.

Digs, mr. Smart, is the
flat where wiggs resides.

Huh! You can call it a
flat. That ain't what I call it.

All right, diggs,
let's get on with it.

I submit that your whole story

Is a concoction of fabrications,

Out-and-out lies,

Half-truths and fibs!

I also submit that this candle

Was not only taken
from jack the ripper,

But that this candle
and jack the ripper

Are both made of wax.

- I did it.
- Did what?

You name it, I did it.

I'll confess to anything

So long as I don't
have to listen to him.

Ah, chief inspector
sparrow. Come in, come in.

Good morning, mr. Smart.

I don't suppose you and
mrs. Smart got much sleep

After last night's
harrowing experience.

Oh, terrible. Terrible.

One of the worst
nights... Tossing, turning,

Squirming, screaming for help.

Poor mrs. Smart.

No, that was me. My
wife slept like a log.

Good morning, inspector.

We were just going to have
some tea. Won't you join us?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

It's okay, it came
with the room.

I thought this might
interest you both.

It's the medical officer's report
on our friend from last night.

of course it's too early yet
for a complete autopsy, but...

Mr. Smart, I think you'll find

You can't get more than a
cup of tea into a cup of tea.

Yes, well, we have plenty.

I'll take care of it, love.

This report
substantiates the fact

That jack the ripper
was made of wax.

That sounds so incredible.

Especially when you
consider that a wax figure

- Committed 12 murders.
- Especially when you consider that.

What do you think, mr. Smart?

Well, inspector,

I have two questions:

One, how do you explain the fact

That a man made of wax
could commit 12 murders?

And two, would
you like a cookie?

- No.
- No to what?

That you can't explain how a man
made of wax could commit 12 murders

- Or that you don't want a cookie?
- No to both.

Good, because we
don't have any cookies.

However, we did
find out one thing.

We ran a check on the three
wax museums here in london

And came up with a
singular discovery...

Two of the museums have a jack
the ripper in their collection,

The third one does not.

Now I'd like you both to
pose as american tourists

And pay a visit to
that third museum,

Find out what you can learn.

What's the name of the museum?

Duval's cave of wax.

it's a somewhat
unorthodox establishment

specializing in the grotesque.

why raoul duval gave
up a brilliant career

as a scientist to turn
to this line of work

remains a mystery.

be that as it may, his
contemporaries agree

that he possesses a
genius for wax recreations.

unfortunately, for some time now

he's had an infatuation
for the macabre.

and more than one onlooker

has been shocked
out of his or her wits.

Forgive me, madame.
Forgive me, monsieur.

I didn't mean to frighten you,

But every day I must
have my little jest

With the people
who are kind enough

To visit my cavern
of the living dead.

Well, then you
must be ravel roual...

Roual... Ral... Ravolo...

You must be the genius
responsible for all this.

I am the genius, yes. But
my name is raoul duval.

- What did I say?
- I do not dare attempt it, monsieur.

It could destroy my
speech pattern for months.

Allow me to be your guide.

This is one of my
pride and joys.

It's amazing how
lifelike they look.

- h*tler and tojo, eh?
- Oui, monsieur.

There are those who say the
h*tler figure is my best work.

Some time ago it disappeared
and was missing for a year.

It finally turned up in
another wax museum.

- Here in london?
- No, in argentina.

And now, here.

oh, they must be a big favorite.

Yes, they never fail

To elicit oohs and ahs.

Pardon me.

Max: this one looks so darn real

You almost expect him to
reach out and touch you.

It was rumored he did.

A little boy was making a
rather large nuisance of himself

And he supposedly
booted him in the derriere.

You're a very talented
man, monsieur duval.

Merci beaucoup,
madame. I have a thought.

Perhaps you would be
interested in seeing my waxworks

Where I create the
figures you see around you.

- Oh, may we?
- I do not usually extend

This invitation to my customers,

But because I feel
you... You understand

and appreciate my work!

I think you'll find
this very interesting.

How do you like it?

Very impressive.

So this is where
you make your wax?

I would not lean too far
over the railing, monsieur.

The boiling wax
is well over 400°.



I had an apprentice once.

He leaned over too
far and fell into the vat.

In seconds he was
encased in wax.

- How terrible.
- Did you call a doctor?

- Oh, it was too late for a doctor.
- Well, what did you do?

We sold him to a
department store.

There! You see?

Well, thank you very
much, monsieur duval.

That was a very enlightening
experience. Didn't you think so, max?

Huh? Yes, I loved
every moment of it.

Well, I hope this
is not the last time

You will honor me
with your presence.

- Something wrong?
- That tableau that you were standing in

When you played
your little trick on us,

Where's the figure that
was supposed to be in there?

You are most observant, madame.

The key character in
this particular tableau

Required extensive renovation.

Yes, well, unless
I miss my guess,

That figure would've been...

- Jack the ripper?
- Why do you say that?

Well, a solitary woman
in the dead of night

With a look of
horror on her face...

Who else could've caused that
reaction except jack the ripper?

The werewolf of
london, count dracula,

Bluebeard,
frankenstein's monster.

I mean besides them.

But you happen to be correct.

This place of honor was occupied

By the infamous jack the ripper.

Well, thank you very much again.

The pleasure was
all mine, madame...

Oh, I don't believe
you told me your name.

I'm maxwell smart and this is
my wife, mrs. Maxwell smart.

And where are you staying
while in london, mr. Smart?

- At the royal, uh...
- At the royal park hotel.

- The royal park hotel.
- Oh yes, I know it well.

- Well, bonjour, monsieur et madame.
- Bonjour.

Bonjour, and a
good day to you, sir.

Come on, 99.

- Who was that?
- I'm not sure,

But they were a little too
observant and nosy to suit me.

Seems to me I've seen
them somewhere before.

Oh?

Does the name maxwell
smart mean anything to you?

Smart, smart.

But of course.

They're control agents. I have
their pictures in my file at kaos.

And their presence here can
only mean they are onto us.

Not necessarily,
monsieur auerbach.

Suspicious they
are, I grant you.

But aware of what we
are doing? I think not.

Who do you give
life to this time?

Another occupant in the chamber
of horrors. Lock the doors.

- It is done.
- Good. Excellent.

tell me, duval.
What would happen

If you injected a
human with that serum?

Instant death.
Strange, is it not?

To a human being
it brings death,

To a wax figure it gives life.

for 12 hours, this loathsome
creature will roam london,

His wax body breathing life,

his mind obeying
my every command.

Listen closely, my friend.

You will immediately proceed
to the royal park hotel

To locate mr. And
mrs. Maxwell smart.

Then you will k*ll them. Now go.

Go and k*ll.

And don't come home
late! You know how I worry.

There's no doubt about it, 99,

Professor duval is our man.

But how can you be so sure, max?

Well, it's really
quite simple...

Instinct, logic and
a lack of suspects.

- Max, aren't you awfully warm?
- Hmm?

Uh, yes. Well, I'll just
open the french windows.

Duval did admit that a jack the
ripper was missing from his wax museum,

But we can't prove
anything until we figure out

How he can bring
a wax figure to life.

Yes, well, if professor
duval could do that,

He'll go down in history.

Or at least in the
wax fruit business.

I'll get it.

- Good evening, mrs. Smart.
- Good evening, inspector.

Max, the inspector's...