05x22 - Smartacus

[bunniefuu]

Senator brookside,
hold it right there.

What is it now, smart?

This locker hasn't
been checked out yet.

- Well, have you discovered anything?
- i certainly did.

What is it?

this locker can't be
opened from the inside.

Security check completed.
You can hang your coat up now.

Of course I can hang it up now. Smart, when
are you going to stop this foolishness?

I'm sorry, senator,
but your committee

Happens to be dealing
with information

That is vital to the
security of this country.

And some of that information
has been leaking out.

I know, but do we have to worry
about it here in the roman baths?

Yes, particularly
here in the roman baths.

Because there are six
of these roman baths,

And each one of them is located

Right next to an
important m*ssile base.

- Yes, I'm very well aware of that.
- Yes, and besides that,

We've felt for a long time

That these baths are
somehow connected

With the kaos organization.

So, you see, senator brookside,

We have to be extremely careful.

And it's my job to see
that nothing goes wrong.

Mr. Leach, good morning,
you're just in time.

What is it, mr. Centurion?

Senator brookside
is in the locker room.

Splendid. Is he alone?

No, there's a control
agent with him.

Control has never
been a problem to me.

Is the senator scheduled
for the steam room?

Right now.

Excellent.

The truth steam will give
us the results that we desire.

See to it.

How much truth steam
shall I administer?

oh, enough to keep him
babbling for 10 minutes.

Intercom: telephone
call for maxwell smart.

- Did you hear that?
- Yes, I heard it.

Intercom: telephone
call for maxwell smart.

Maxwell smart speaking.

Hi, chief. What's up?

Max, does the name montague
leach mean anything to you?

It certainly does. He's the
drummer with the electric hair.

No, he's not a drummer
with the electric hair.

He left the group?

Max, he's an eccentric

But highly successful kaos agent

Who runs a chain of spas
called the roman baths.

Yes, chief, now that you
mention it, it does sound familiar.

Then you've heard
of montague leach.

No, I've heard of
the roman baths.

Max, you're in the roman baths.

Then it all ties up, chief.
I've not only heard of it,

I've seen it. It's on
senator brookside's towel.

Now, centurion, the truth steam.

Welcome to the roman
baths, senator brookside.

This is montague leach speaking.

every question I put
to you, you will answer,

and you will answer
truthfully and completely.

do you understand?

I understand.

Chief: max, don't let the senator
out of your sight for a second.

Chief, you don't have to tell
me that. While I'm talking to you,

He's not five feet away
from me in the steam room.

Our latest
surface-to-air m*ssile

Is something our technology
is extremely proud of.

Its tip rises to a perfect peak.

It has an amazing small length.

I'll say one thing for
senator brookside,

For a man his age, it's no wonder
he's in such great physical shape.

Chief: what do you mean?

He's not only taking a steam
bath, he's doing calisthenics.

I'm going to put the
babies to bed, max.

You need any help, 99?

no thanks, love. I
don't need any help.

Oh, well, I could use some.

when you get a minute,
would you call my mother

and tell her we
got home all right?

You got home all right.
I'm still out in the hall.

- Who is it?
- max, it's me, the chief, open the door.

Oh, could you come
back a little later, chief?

no, max, it's urgent. I
have to see you right away.

Yeah, well, I have
my hands full now.

well, maybe the door is open.

Sorry about that, max.

Max, where have you
been all afternoon?

I've been trying to
get a hold of you.


To see their grandmother,

We just got back.
What's up chief?

This afternoon we
captured a kaos courier

With secret plans taken
from senator brookside

Only yesterday while he was
in your protective custody.

But that's impossible, chief.

They couldn't have gotten any
information out of senator brookside

I never let him out of my
sight for a single moment.

Well, that confirms
our suspicion

That montague leach's spas

Are involved in
our security leaks.

Here, will you hold this
diaper bag for me chief?

Yeah.

If we only had proof...
This isn't a diaper bag.

- It's a bottle bag.
- No, it's a diaper bag.

It's a bottle bag.

Look, I'm the father,
and I said it's a diaper bag.

If that isn't enough to
convince you, maybe this will.

Oh, you better get that
off right away. Milk stains.

Who are you talking to, max?

The chief. He just went in
the kitchen for a minute.

Oh, you get it. I'll
clean up this stuff.

Hi, max. Is the chief here?

- Chief, it's larabee.
- tell him I'm not here.

He's not on the
phone. He's at the door.

then don't open it.

It's too late.

maybe not. How do you get
this window open in here?

Sometimes I think the
chief doesn't like me.

Why do you say that, larabee?

I'll tell you, 99. Take that
beautiful japanese dagger

- He gave to me for my birthday...
- I saw that dagger.

That's very expensive. If
the chief didn't like you,

He wouldn't give
you a gift like that.

That's just it, 99. He didn't
give it to me, he threw it at me.

A japanese dagger, eh?
That's a very unusual gift.

Yeah, it is. But what
am I going to do with it?

Have you got any
suggestions, max?

What is it, larabee?

This envelope just
came from the pentagon.

It's been officially sealed,
contains top secret information

- For you and you alone.
- Thank you, larabee.

Your plan for undercover
surveillance has been approved.

Max, this is the break
we've been waiting for.

Well, aren't you
going to open it?

Why? Larabee never lied before.

Thus far, centurion, there is only
one remaining piece of information

Needed to complete the report

And that information
lies with senator van horn.

Senator van horn
has been in europe

Inspecting m*ssile sites. He
was due back over the weekend.

Have you sent him the
usual invitational offer

To partake in our
facilities gratis?

- It's been done.
- Then we can be expecting him momentarily.

I wish to be informed
the second of his arrival.

Yes?

Thank you.

That was marcus
at the front desk.

Senator van horn
has just checked in.

At last.

And good news... There's a
control agent guarding him.

Why is that good news?

It's the same control agent
that guarded senator brookside.

Maxwell smart.

That's not good news.

That's sensational news.

All right, senator van
horn, you can come in now.

So far so good. We've got
to check out the entire spa

- For a hidden microphone.
- We'll start right here in this room,

Because this is the room where
senator brookside and I were talking,

- And I know that it's bugged.
- Good.

You look over there
and I'll look in here.

Right, chief.

wait a minute, chief.

I have to make sure
we're not being watched.

What did you do that for?

Well, chief, I had to make
sure it wasn't a two-way mirror.

Look for the wiring.

If this room is bugged,
we'll spot the wiring.

Wait a minute, chief, look.

The old bug-in-the-towel trick.

What are you talking about?

That towel, chief.

I'm absolutely
positive it's bugged.

I'm going to check it out.

Good, it's empty.

We can talk in here
without being overheard.

I can't figure it out, max.

I know information is leaking
out through this place,

But there is absolutely no
sign of how it's being done.

- They're in the steam room now.
- Excellent.

I'm sure they'll prove to be

As cooperative as
our previous guests.

Give them the truth steam.

Boy, it's really getting
hot in here, chief.

It is a little uncomfortable,
but I don't really mind.

I can afford to
lose a few pounds.

Don't be silly. For a man your
age, you're in fantastic condition.

Actually, to be quite
truthful with you, chief,

That's quite a bay
window you've got there.

Anybody ever tell
you you see pretty well

For a man with squinty eyes?

Well, it's a good thing
for control that I do,

Because there are a lot
of things that you overlook.

The only things I overlook are
all the mistakes that you make.

If you weren't like a son to me,
I'd have fired you a long while ago.

Well, I'm very fond
of you too chief

In spite of all your drawbacks.

I'm glad you feel that way, max.

Even though you're the cause
of all my migraine headaches.

And prematurely gray hair.

You don't have any
hair, chief, you're bald.

If I did have any hair, it
would be gray, believe me.

I've heard enough.
Turn off the speaker.

So, our senator van
horn turns out to be

The chief of control.

We must dispose
of them immediately.

Lock the door to the steam room.

Turn off the truth steam.

The truth steam is off

Now turn up the
live steam to 500°.

That much?

Chief, the temperature in here

Is definitely getting too high.

- Why do you say that?
- My locker key is melting.

I'm glad you mentioned
it. I thought it was only me.

It is very warm in here.

Chief, look at your toupee.

- What's the matter with it?
- It's saluting.

Max, we've got to get
out of here right away.

Right, chief.

Hurry up, max, I'm having
trouble breathing.

Why don't you do what I do when
I have trouble breathing, chief?

- What do you do?
- I take steam.

Just get the door open.

I can't, chief. It's stuck.

Let me try.

Max, it isn't stuck.

It's locked from the outside.

Well, then we're in luck, chief.

All we have to do is go
outside and open it up.

How are we going to
if we're locked inside?

Don't you see they're
trying to k*ll us?

Then that must mean
that they're onto us.

If we only had a g*n, we
could sh**t our way out.

Max, we do have a g*n.

Of course. We do have a g*n?

Yes, I had control put a
mini mauser under my toupee.

- A mini mauser?
- Yes.

It's a new control w*apon developed
by professor peter peckenpah

You've seen it. The
professor peter peckenpah

All-purpose antipersonnel
peckenpah pocket p*stol.

Of course. The professor-peter-peckenpah
all-purpose-antipersonnel-

Peckenpah-pocket-p*stol-
under-the-toupee trick.

Max, will you open the door?

I'll sh**t it open, chief.
Come on, stand back.

Right.

- Max, they're coming.
- Come on, this way.

They got away.

Quickly, seal off
the entire spa.

I want them dead or dead.

Psst, chief.

- Are they gone?
- Yes, I think we're in the clear.

Your shoe phone...
It's our only chance.

Right, the shoe phone.

Wait a minute, I can't use the
shoe phone, I left it in the locker.

- Well, open up the locker.
- But I can't.

Look, the steam melted
down the locker key.

Max, look at your key. It's
melted in the shape of a coin.

Yeah, just about
the size of a dime.

And over there on
that wall is the phone.

Of course, chief.

We'll call a locksmith and have
a new key made for the locker.

We won't call a locksmith.
We'll call larabee.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

I don't think larabee knows
anything about lockers or keys.

Larabee can send help.

We should have heard
from them by now.

Don't worry. Believe
me, they're all right.

I think they're in trouble.

I think so too.

Control headquarters,
larabee speaking.

Max: larabee, maxwell smart.

Smart's not in. Would you
like to leave a message?

Max: no, I don't want
to leave a message.

Okay, fella.

Max: chief, he hung up on me.

Chief: max, now we've got
to get out of here alive,

- if it's only to k*ll larabee.
- what do we do?

- call him back.
- with what? That was my last melted key.

Chief: i'll use mine.

Well, didn't he say who it was?

No, he just wanted
to talk to max.

- Control headquarters.
- larabee, this is max.

Oh, hi, max. You just had a call, but
the guy didn't want to lave a message.

- larabee, that was me.
- was that you?

You should have left a
message. We've been worried sick.

Let me talk to him, larabee.

Hello, max, are you all right?

i'm fine, 99, but believe
me I'm glad you're there.

this is very important. I'd
sure hate to trust it to larabee.

Uh, I know what you mean, max.

now get this, 99,
and get it straight.

the security of the entire
united states is at stake.

The security of the
entire united states

Is at stake. Take
this down, larabee.

this is a code-four alert.

This is a code-four alert.

Code four? You sure
it's not a code five?

Max, are you sure
it's not a code five?

- code four.
- code four.

The security of the whole united states
is at stake, and it's only a code four?

Seems to me like it should be a
five, at least a four and a half.

Let me talk to him.

Max, are you sure
that's a code four?

larabee, would you
get off the phone?

Chief: give me that phone, max.

larabee, this is the chief.

I can't talk to you now, chief.

We're in the midst
of a code-four alert.

chief, somebody's coming.

larabee, hold on.

Sorry, gentlemen,
you've been cut off.

Well, gentlemen,
we meet at last.

So you're montague leach,

The man they call "the emperor."

Now that we're your prisoners,
what do you intend to do to us?

I'm going to dispose of you.

And then what?

Which one of you
would like to go first?

Well, the chief has seniority.

Thanks, max.

Well, after all, chief,
you worked for control

For a lot of years. You're
certainly entitled to a few benefits.

You will go first, mr. Smart.

However...

I'm going to give you
a sporting chance.

Does that mean I get
to go to the track?

Mr. Smart, this
is trial by combat,

Just as it was done in
the days of ancient rome

When the gladiators
fought in the coliseum.

Centurion?

I think this has gone far enough

All right, you big ugly gorilla,

Let's see how good you
are without your fork.

Listen, I hope I
wasn't out of line

With that cr*ck about
the big ugly gorilla.

Wait a minute. This isn't
fair, I don't have a w*apon.

Oh, I was thinking more in terms

Of a sub-machine g*n.

Let the combat begin!

Let it begin!

Max, you're the
combat. Put on the gear.

Hey, watch it with that net!

You're liable to get
my sword tangled in it.

That's the purpose, mr. Smart.

You see, hmm, you see?

Now?

Mr. Leach, what do
you have to say now?

Very little. I'll let
this speak for me.

Now look what you've done.

What did you bump into me
for, just when I was taking aim?