01x06 - Julie's Best Friend

[bunniefuu]

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is life,
the one you get ♪

♪ so go and have a ball ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ this is it ♪

♪ straight ahead
and rest assured ♪

♪ you can

♪ so while youre
here, enjoy the view ♪

♪ keep on doin' what you do ♪

♪ hold on tight, we'll
muddle through ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ so up on your
feet, up on your feet ♪

♪ somewhere theres
music playing ♪

♪ don ♪ well just
take it like it comes ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

♪ one day at a time ♪

Don't touch that switch.

I won't. I don't even
want to vacuum.

Hey, could you tell my mom
I broke my vacuuming arm?

You can use the plug,
but don't touch the switch.

Barbara.

[Schneider] don't
touch that switch.

What do you think of
these jeans? They're great.

What do you mean great? They're
hideous, disgusting, and ugly!

Ok, they're hideous,
disgusting, and ugly!

Oh, what do I ask you for?

You don't know anything
from anything. Child!

You wanna give
them today's look?

I'll soak 'em in a mild solution
of rock salt and battery acid

And then I'll drag them
behind the kawasaki.

I don't have a thing to wear
at beverly's this weekend,

And even if I did, my
suitcase is broken.

So what? You don't even
know if you're going yet.

Beverly said she'd
call, and she will.

Don't hang by your thumbs.

Don't touch that switch.

Ok.

[Vacuum cleaner whirring]

Ah, this dress has had it.

It's the pits. I'm
throwing it out.

Throwing it out?

Do you know that people are
starving all over the world?

Here, let me see that.

What is that? A design
or your breakfast?

Don't touch that switch.

Lucky it was me.

Could have been somebody who
didn't know what he was doing.

Schneider, please.

Would you wear this to the lake?

I'm telling you, kid, uh,

Red is not my color.

All my clothes are so gross.

Beverly says I look like a
poor relation of the waltons.

[Chuckling]

Cut it out with beverly!

I am sick and tired of hearing
beverly this and beverly that.

It's so barf.

You're just eating your
heart out, junior jock.

Because while I am at beverly's
lake house this weekend,

You'll be sitting at home
nursing your athlete's foot.

Athlete's foot?

I got the perfect
treatment for athlete's foot.

Campho-phenique.

The old blue ointment.

♪ Put on that old
blue ointment ♪

I guess maybe it
wasn't athlete's foot.

I don't have athlete's foot.

I got to make a call.

Lay off the phone. I don't
want to miss bev's call.

Oh, that is desperate.

Hanging around,
waiting for a call

From miss snooty of 1976.

My instructor at welding
school used to walk like that.

Look, girls, i, uh...
I blew the circuit.

So I got to reset the breaker
before the power comes back.

So please, do not
touch the switch, huh?

While I'm down there, kid,
I'll... I'll fix your suitcase.

Schneider, can you
really fix a suitcase?

Hey, can ella fitzgerald dance?

You know, julie, I'm
really surprised at you.

Getting carried away
over a snob like beverly.

Snob?

Beverly happens to be the most
loyal, faithful, wonderful friend

Anyone could ever have.

That's why I'm glad she dumped
marsha robbins the instant she met me.

I'm goin' to go through that
pile of rags I call my wardrobe

And see if there's anything
I can wear to the lake.

Oh, but what about your mink
coat and fur-lined snorkel?

[Sighing]

Girls, julie, barbara, I'm home.

[Barbara] just a minute, mom.

Ok.

Oh.

Huh. $23 Worth of groceries.

Hey, god, you've
been shopping lately?

Come on, if things
gonna get better,

Just... Just give me a sign.

[Whirring]

A simple yes or no
would have done it.

[Whirring stops]

[Barbara] uh, mom,
schneider asked...

Ah, he, uh... He had
something to tell me.

Hey, uh, listen.

You girls were supposed to clean
when you came home from school.

I mean, friday is general
cleaning day, remember?

What did you do, uh,
send out for dirt?

We did clean.

No, you didn't. You just,
uh, moved the mud around.

Did you vacuum back here? Yeah.

How about, uh, in front
of the coffee table?

Uh, i, uh, couldn't reach it.

Barbara, look,

I've been busting
my back all day

Trying to find a job.

Then I just came from a romp
through the supermarket

That thinks it's tiffany's.

The least I can expect is to
come home to a clean apartment.

Well, then, you should have gone
over to mrs. Hanson's across the hall.

Barbara, I love a
good sense of humor.

Dust off. All right.

God, $23 worth of groceries.

Still it looks like mother
hubbard's cupboard.

I'm going have to have
an entirely new wardrobe.

Oh, good. You
know what we'll do?

We'll go down to the bank first thing
in the morning and take out some money.

You slip him the holdup
note and I'll cover the teller.

Mom, you expect me to go to
beverly's country house this weekend

Lookin' like raggedy ann?

Well, maybe you
should do what I do.

Stay home and look
like raggedy ann.

Mom, please.

Ma, I can't go to a
school like armsby hall

With a ratty-looking
wardrobe like mine.

Oh, who said anything
about armsby hall?

Armsby hall? You mean the
one that beverly goes to?

That's the most expensive
school in indianapolis.

You said I could go.

When did I say that?

The other day when
we were talkin' about it.

I said no such thing.

You didn't say I couldn't go.

Remember, when I told
you the tuition was $900?

You didn't say a word.

That's because it's impolite

To talk and throw
up at the same time.

Ah, come on, julie. $900.

Do you have any concept
of the value of money?

You said we have
money in the bank.

Julie, you know how
much money we have.

I mean, I've only had temporary
jobs the whole past year.

You don't think I'm not
grateful in all your help

Watching me clean,

But private school is out.

Mom, private schools
give you a better education.

You get individual attention.

Well, they only have


Barbara, when was the last
time we had 10 kids in a class?

Last year, during
the big drug bust.

You see what I mean, ma?

My school is so out of touch.

You know, my history
book ends in 1950.

Cut it out, barbara,
julie. Come on.

I'm telling you, mom.

If it weren't for m.a.s.h, I would
never have heard about the korean w*r.

Julie, come on. I know
armsby hall is a good school.

Oh, I don't think you understand
how important this is to me.

Mom, I want this
more than anything

I've ever wanted
in my whole life.

You said the same thing the time you
wanted to sell your sister to the gypsies.

I don't think you grasp
how important this is to me.

I'm a full-grown, mature woman,

And I think I know what I want.

Ah, come on, julie. You're
driving me up the wall.

I mean, how in the world
could I afford $900?

How much did that gypsy
offer you for me, anyway?

Mother, we're having
an adult discussion.

Can't the bionic child
take a nap or something?

What ingratitude!

And I was just offering to sell
my body to pay for your schooling.

Selling your body
wouldn't keep me in erasers.

Hey, what about dad?

You want him to sell his body?

No. I'll ask dad for the money.
He'd never turn me down.

You are not goin' to do that.

It is not fair to ask your father
to take on an unnecessary burden.

Dad doesn't think I'm a burden.

Love sure is blind.

[Knocking on door]

I'll get it.

[David] hi, guys.

What's in the basket?

What basket?

David, what is
all this food for?

It's for growing strong bones,
healthy bodies, and nice round bottoms.

David, what did you
buy all this for?

Well, i... I sort
of lost my head.

It was... It was somewhere between
the vegetables and the meat counter.

Suddenly everything went
blank and I just couldn't stop.

Well, you can stop now.

Fig newtons!

And ding dongs!

Oh, david is a gourmet shopper.

Look, would you
two kids stop it?

You act as if you've
never seen food before.

Listen, ann, all this stuff
was too much for one person,

And since I do eat
here occasionally...



You had to have kids
who can count, huh?

Uh, david, we're not on the
list of the 100 neediest cases.

I can provide just
fine for my family.

Oh, not like this, you can't.

Oh, a rib roast.

So that's what meat looks like

Before it falls apart
and becomes hamburger.

David, do you see
what you're doing?

What am I doing? Did I put
something in the wrong place?

Everything. David, you
can't do things like this.

Like what? Oh, that
should go in the freezer.

Bye for now,
roast. See you soon.

Like... Like trying to take care
of me and the girls this way.

It's positively medieval.

The... The lord of the manor
comes down to the serf's cottage

And brings a fatted ox.

Yuck!

Could we make that
a fatted fig newton?

You're gonna make yourself sick.

Ann, you know, you have a
totally perverted attitude.

All I did was, I was shopping,

And... And I lost
my head a little bit,

And I bought more than I needed.

So I brought it
here. Is that a crime?

David, you are
moving into my space.

Or is that the master plan?

Ann, it is just food.

We all have to eat.

I'll buy that.

There must be $80
worth of groceries here.

No, $104.65.

Oh, the checker didn't
even say thank you.

How am I supposed to pay
you back for all of this?

Invite me to dinner
for the rest of my life.

It is the master plan.

♪ If I could be with
you an hour tonight ♪

Schneider, don't you
ever think of knocking?

Well, not once I'm inside. No.

Hey, julie, I fixed
your suitcase.

Now you're set for the weekend.

Gee, thanks.

Now, if I only had some
decent clothes to put in it.

Aren't you ever satisfied?

Beverly asked you to
go instead of marsha.

Yeah, but what good is it if I go
dressed like a cut-rate scarecrow?

I'll try and cheer her up.

I'll tell her I'm running
away or something.

I have never seen julie so down.

What'd you tell her,
I can't marry her?

Ah, david, do you see
what I'm talking about?

Ann, I fail to see
any connection

Between me bringing
over a little bit of food

And julie not
liking her clothes.

Oh, david, it's not the clothes.

It's armsby hall and beverly.

Oh, well, that
clears up everything.

Just a second, counselor.

Is that your wagon?

Yes.

You realize it's against
the law to remove these

From the premises
of the supermarket.

And that I could
make a citizen's arrest.

Say the word, ms. Romano,

We'll have the baby supermarket
basket burglar behind bars.

Pardon me, do you sell
seashells by the seashore?

Uh, we'd like to be alone.

You heard the lady, counselor,
she'd like us to be alone.

Ann, as far as I'm
concerned, we are alone.

Go ahead, ms. Romano,
unburden yourself.

Schneider, this is private.

In these times,
nothing is private.

That's why god made senate
investigating committees.

[Sighing]

See, david, uh, julie's
upset because she...

Uh, can't go to
a private school.

Why a private school?

Well, she wants to.
Besides, her best friend...

Ah, no. It's more than that. It's a
good school. It's a very good school.

And maybe julie would get turned
on academically for a change,

But, uh, it's out
of my price range.

Like those groceries.

Wait a minute, ann.

Don't take your frustrations
out on my roast beef.

It's your roast beef, not mine.

Ms. Romano, you want
to know somethin'?

You're makin' a smart move not
sendin' julie to a private school.

You know what goes
on in those places?

Wild pot parties, orgies.

I know. I've done a
lot of reading up on it.

On private schools?

On pot parties and orgies.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll send you up some of
my personal literature.

You read it on a cold night.

Then rap on the radiator.

[Inaudible]

[Inaudible]

Mother, dear, I want you to know
I'm very sorry for my whole attitude.

Oh, well, julie. I'm
very glad to hear that.

Uh, david, you want
some juice or something?

Oh, yeah, thanks. Ok.

Mother, dear, what
I mean to say is that

If forced, I can struggle
through life without armsby hall.

I mean, it doesn't really matter

That I can't have the
benefits of a better education,

Or that I can't be with
my very best friend.

All it means is that if I
can't go to armsby hall, I'll...

I'll k*ll myself!

That's it!

Ah, julie, just knock
off the dramatics.

If I could do it for you, I
would, but there's just no way.

Here you go.

That's all right, mom.

Beverly will
probably understand.

Uh, how much is this school?

Oh, only $900 a semester.

$900?

[Whistling]

That's 9 baskets of groceries.

Must be a hell of a school.

Who do I make it out to?

Who do you make what out to?

The check.

Listen, you got a little financial
problem around here, right?

And what are friends for if you can't
take advantage of their generosity?

Oh, david, david, you're the
most wonderful man on earth.

Do you know what this means, being able
to go to the same school with beverly?

David.

Oh, this is a dream come true.

Nobody ever had a more generous,

[Julie kissing]

True, wonderful friend than you.

Oh, david, you are
super-fantastic.

Uh, julie, julie...

Well, mom, isn't this the
most fantastic thing?

Here you go, ann.

Uh, thanks a lot, david.

Yeah, thanks, david.

But, no thanks.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

No, mom, no, no, no, no, mom!

Oh, mom, mom!

Oh, no, mom!

Oh, no.

You just tore up my chance
to go to school with beverly.

Julie, I am sorry, but I
cannot accept this check,

And you had no
right offering it.

Why not? We need it desperately!

We don't need anything
that desperately

And certainly not to build up a debt
for a... A luxury like private school.

Yeah, and who said
anything about a debt?

Did I ask you when you're
goin' to pay me back?

No, david, but the point is...

I'm writing another check.

I'll tear it up.

Why don't you just
tear up my whole life!

You know what this means to me?

It means I can't go to armsby hall
and be with my very best friend!

If it was for anyone
else, you'd do it,

But for me, zilch.

I'll bet I was adopted.

Here, come on, take it.

It's a loan, that's
all, just a loan.

Sure, david, a loan.

You loan me a roast
beef in the morning

And then you loan me
$900 in the afternoon.

Come on, david,

I can't make the roast beef
debt let alone the school,

So, just, uh, back off.

No, I won't back off.

I care about all of you and...
And I'm in a position to help.

So just give me one good
reason why I shouldn't help.

Just one.

Ok, number one:

One of the biggest
problems with my marriage

Was I felt there
had to be more to life

Than being supported
by another person.

And number 2:

If I take your help, I'll
lose my self-respect.

Oh, no, you won't lose
your self-respect.

You can put it in a safe place

So you'll always
know where it is.

Number 3...

Never mind number 3. I'll
tell you what your problem is.

It's your pride.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

David, don't you understand?

It's not what this does to
me. It's what it does to julie.

Open the door
with your big loan,

And every time she wants
something, she'll expect to get it.

I'm writing another check.

I'll tear it up.

Ann, if you don't
take this money,

I'm gonna mug you in a dark
alley and force it on you.

Oh, terrific.

Force. When all else
fails, logic, reason,

The man always resorts to force.

You're not doing this for me.
You're doing it for yourself.

That is a totally
baseless accusation.

Now take the check, or
I'll punch your heart out.

I warned you.

Check number 3.

Fill it out yourself.

I can keep this up
as long as you can.

Sure, sure. You've
got the easy part.

I'm doin' all the
hard work here.

You want to switch places?

David, stop writing that check.

I can't stop now.
I'm on a hot streak.

David, stop! Stop being foolish,

And stop making me feel like
the mean mother of the year.

Stop crowding me into a corner.

Stop devouring me.

My god, david,
think of my honor.

I am.

If I can't get it one
way, I'll get it another.

David, cut it out.

I cannot take that check.

Not for a luxury like
that darn private school.

And I tell you, I don't
know how I can pay it back.

Who asked you to pay
it back? Who cares?

Ok, listen. It's a
present, all right?

Happy birthday, ann romano.

It's not my birthday.
Give me that check.

I don't care what the
hell day it is anymore.

Ok, ok, it's a holiday gift. Ok?

Happy national
kosher pickle week.

David, I cannot take
a check for $900.

All right. I'll write you 900 $1
checks. It's a lot more work for me,

But if that's the
way you want it...

Schneider, will
you please b*at it?

We're in the middle of an
important discussion here.

I heard. The whole
building heard.

Well, ms. Romano, will
you do yourself a favor?

Will you take the
money? The kid'll be happy.

Teddy the bear will be happy.

I'll be happy. The whole
building is gonna be happy.

Ann, the man speaks sense.

Listen to him.

[Schneider] ms.
Romano, I sympathize,

But sometimes, you know, we do
things that we might not otherwise do

If things were perfect.

That is the game of life.

So, play it.

I mean, the legal beagle
here, he's got it to give.

You need it to take.

It's a perfect setup.

We both know he didn't
work for the money.

He squeezed it from
the little people.

Politics makes
strange bedfellows.

I am not your strange bedfellow.

Now it's lawyers.

It used to be that you had to
watch out for your toe dancers.

The solomon of the
cellar has spoken.

You wanna take the check now?

[Barbara] julie, you're
the most stupid person...

I want you to get off my back!

No, can't you see what
you're doing to mom?

Can't you see what
mom is doing to me?

Just exactly what
am I doing to you, julie?

You're destroying me!

[Phone ringing]

I mean, the one thing I want
more than anything in the world!

David offers to help!

Uh, hey, I'll just
pick up the phone.

Julie, would you just please...

Stop it, mom! Beverly is
my friend, my best friend!

But, obviously, you don't
want me to have any friends!

Uh, julie, it's for you.

Take a message!

Julie, you're a self-centered,
social climbing dimwit.

Stay out of this, punk!

Julie laura cooper,
I have had it now!

I do not want to
hear one more word

About this armsby
hall or beverly...

All right!

All right, I'll never
mention either of them again,

But I want you to know one
thing about our relationship:

Mother, it'll never be the same!

That's just fine.

[David] ok, I'll tell her.

Uh, julie.

Yes!

Oh, uh, that was
someone named beverly.

Beverly?

Right, and, uh, she said
something about the lake.

And, uh, she said she
can only have one guest

And marsha somebody or other
was going and they were just leaving.

It's all right here, on
the back of the check.

[Sniffing]

What is it with this
family and checks?

All right, I don't
go to the lake.

It's a cruddy lake, anyway.

And anyone who wants to be
friends with marsha robbins

Has taste in their tail.

[Sobs]

And as for that
private school...

Julie, honey. Mom,
leave me alone.

Sure. Ok.

[Crying]

Hey, listen, did i...

Uh, david, let's
go to the movies.

[Julie] leave me alone.

Ok.

Uh, do you have any money?
I... That was my last check.

Julie.

Oh, ma.

Ok.

Shh.

It's going to be ok.

Ok.

Oh, ma.

[female announcer] this program
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.