05x06 - Doug's in Debt!

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Ow! Man!

Hey!

Hey!

[slurp slurp]

Cut it out, you big bully.

Ahh, go sit down, cupcake.

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Nice way to lose yesterday's game,
Mayonnaise.

Oh, Roger, why don't you--

Oh, hi, Doug. I thought I heard Roger.

Nah. It's just me, girlie girl.

Doug, what's wrong with you?

[mocking] Doug, what's wrong with you?

Leave me alone.

Patti. I'm sorry. I-I--

Who told you to talk? You're my puppet,
remember?

[Doug] How did I ever
let myself get controlled by Roger Klotz?

Hey! Who told you to think?

Ow!

[footsteps]

[hinges squeak]

[whistled tune]

That's me!

Dear journal, it's another typical day.

My dog is still trying to learn to juggle.

Judy is practicing for a one-woman show.

-I won't!
-You will.

-I won't!
-You will.

No, I won't!

Yes, you will.

Oh, brava, Judy! Ha ha!

I'm convinced you're insane!

Merci beaucoup, Mr. Dink.

You are a man of great intelligence.

Ooh.

Ooh! Wow! Aah! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Yeow!

Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Whoo! Aah! Aah!

[Doug] And Mom's more pregnant than ever.

Hey, Mom? Could I have
a little more... cake?

[Doug] Which means less cake
for everybody else.

Plus she's sort of extra emotional.

Bye, Mom.

-[sobbing]
-Uhh!

Oh, Douglas, you're not
my little baby anymore.

[sobbing] You're a young man!

Boo hoo hoo!

Uh, Mom?

I've sort of got to go to school now.

Well, don't dawdle.
You're going to be late.

[Doug] It's hard to get used to.

Well, journal, I have to stop writing now

so I can do my history project.

If I could just figure out
who to write about.

[humming]

[ruhh ruhh]

I can't write it about you, Porkchop.

It has to be about an important
historical figure.

[Porkchop mutters]

It's gotta be someone really great.

Huh?

Cool!

[The Marseillaise plays]

-Napoleon!
-Yeah!

What do you think, Porkchop?

Uh-uh. Mmm.

Aah! Well, where'd you come from?

[panting] I was down the block,
and I heard the faint rustling

of theatrical fabric. You know
that you are forbidden to touch

any of my costumial accouterment, Doug.

And stay out of my room, too,

or I'll be forced to cream you. Now, go!

Whoa! But, Judy...

Judy, if I had a Napoleon costume
for my report,

I'd get a big, juicy "A" for sure.

No. I need it for my showcase
next weekend.

-I only need it for one day.
-No.

That's a very expensive,
irreplaceable costume.

I'll guard it with my life. I promise.

-No! No!
-But...

-Judy!
-Nein!

Listen-- uh-uh!

Shally-Shally!

N-o-o-o-o-o-o!

No!

Now, what are my angels arguing about?

And will you stop it?

You're giving me a headache!

[sobbing]

Why can't my babies get along?

Mood swing.

Stop weeping, ma mère.

I'll let him borrow the dumb costume.

Yeah, Mom. See? We're getting along.

Oh, good.

Anyone want cake?

Hurry, or it's gone!

Huh.

Mmm? Mmm?

Hold it!

Not so fast. I had Cassius
draw up a contract.

He's a law student.

Oh, actually not,

but I do watch a lot of courtroom TV.

-What?
-This contract says

you agree to guard that costume
with your life.

And if even one thread
is bent, you'll get creamed.

Don't you trust me?

-[chuckles]
-Sign.

Hello, big, juicy "A"!

"The Battle of Waterloo,

by Doug Funnie."

Hurry up and find me a topic.

I have to do a history report in an hour.

I don't know...

Roger

Whoa, look at that!

I've always wanted a big plastic cow.

[baby-talk]

Cow.

Ohhh... Cow.

-[baby-talk]
-Ha ha ha ha!

-Uh...
-Daddy's going away to Bloatsburg, son,

but I'll visit you.

Uhhh...

If you're goin', take that cow.

But I thought you wanted that cow.

No. You were the one who wanted the cow.

Uh-uh. We wanted the cow.

Look, I don't want to fight over a cow.

Just take it, will ya?

Uhh...

Cow...

[whimpering]

Ohhh...

Moo moo.

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.

Buy more butter.

Buy more butter.

How much for the cow, my good man?

Oh, no.

I love this-a cow.

She's a-not for sale.

Everything has a price, my friend.

Everything.

He met defeat at the Battle of Waterloo.

Now, let's meet...

Napoleon Bonaparte.

[boy] What?

[humming]

[cheering and laughing]

And... he's exactly the right height!

[Doug] That report was my finest hour.

Ms. Kristal gave me my big, juicy "A."

The Monroe Doctrine
is the coolest law ever.

It says, "Hey, stay outta my yard

and don't touch my stuff,
or I'll cream ya!"

[Doug] Life was perfect.

[whistling The Marseillaise]

Hey, Doug, come on! We need a goalie!

Cool.

Last one there's a loser! Ha ha ha!

[grunts]

[wind blows]

Oh, great game, man! I've never seen a guy

stop so many goals with his face!

Today, I can do no wrong.

Hey. Somebody kicked dirt all over
the Napoleon coat.

Judy'd better not find out.

The hat! It's gone! Help me look for it.

Ohh!

Heavy, heavy...

Heavy!

Gnnnn... gnnn...

I lost Judy's hat.

But who knows? Maybe she won't notice.

Ohhh... Ohhh...

[crash]

[low and echoing] Where's my hat?

Ohhhhhh!

Where's my hat?

[exclaims]

Ow! [fighting sounds]
Cut it out, Judy! Stop!

[Judy] Sorry, I have to do this,
but the law's the law.

You signed a contract!

You could've at least
pointed me at the TV.

Mmm! Unh! Unh! Unh!

Ohhh...

Hey, maybe we should check
the lost and found.

You're a genius, Skeet!

Well, yeah.

Unh!

Unh... unh!

Ohhh...

Don't worry, man. You can check it
tomorrow.

Boy, is Judy gonna freak.

Where's my hat?

The contract said I didn't have
to have it back until your showcase,

and that's at the end of the week.

Hmmm.

[reading to herself]

Hmm. Why, you're right.

OK. No problem.

Huh? What?

I said no problem.

[Doug] The only thing scarier
than mad Judy

is not-mad Judy when
she should be mad Judy.

Why is she smiling?

I'd better get that hat back fast.

[Doug] The next morning,
I got to school as fast as I could.

[whimpers]

But Judy's hat wasn't
in the lost and found.

Hey! I lost that last month!

Hey, wait up!

Maybe you can buy her a new hat.

No. It's one of a kind. Irreplaceable.

-Doug.
-I've got to tell Judy I lost it.

Doug!

My life is over. So young...

Doug!

Isn't that it?

Hey! Keep your paws off my lid, Funnie.

It's not yours. It's mine.

No way, Funnie. I found it in the street.

Mmph! Help! Get it off of me! Mommy!

Hey! I always wanted a crazy guy hat.

[grunts]

Let go.

Come on, Roger. You could afford
a dozen Napoleon hats.

-[grunts]
-Say, you're right, Funnie.

But I don't have to because I already
got one.

Oof!

Finders keepers.

It's in the Monroe Doctrine.

You should read it sometime. Ha ha.

Come on, Roger.

You know it's my sister's hat.

That's not fair.

The law isn't about what's fair.

It's about, uh, how I get to keep the hat.

[Judy] Where is my hat?

[indistinct chatter]

[bell rings]

[humming]

Ned, let me use your locker.

No. It's already full of your stuff, Rog.

Hey, Willy!

I'm full, too.

Yeah, hmm.

Hey, Funnie, you want this hat?

I'll make you a deal.

A deal? I don't know.

OK, if you'd rather explain
the Monroe Doctrine to your sister.

[cackles]

Wait. What's the deal?

Let me use your locker. Mine's full.

That's all?

I let you use my locker,
and I get the hat back?

-Yeah.
-I need it by the end of the week.

Hmm, okay, deal.

Oh, man, how are you gonna tell Judy

that Roger's got her hat?

It's the beauty of this deal, Skeet.

I don't have to tell her.

Everything's perfect.

Aah!

And that was just the beginning.

Oh, man... uggg.

Whew!

Ugg!

Gym class sure does a job on sweat socks.

Reek city!

Eew! Eeyugg!

Aah. Help me. Help me.

Aah. Aah. What the-- hair?

This looks like
Principal White's t-toupee!

Look what I found. Heh heh.

[laughing]

Everybody turn around.

OK, Mr. young person, my office.

[Doug] If I told Principal White

who put his hair in the locker,

it would be curtains for Judy's hat.

So I got detention
in the new, high security detention hall.

[whimsical tune plays]

Hey, Swirly man.

Ice cream, Doug dude?

I made it to the end of the week,
and that meant...

OK, Roger. Time's up. Give me that hat.

I think I'll keep it for another week.

What? We had a deal!

You should've got it in writing.

Well, this was it.

I had to tell Judy
that I didn't have her hat.

[Cassius] Oh, Judy, please relax.

It's all covered in the contract.
Trust me.

Uh, Judy?

Doug. Hat?

Uuhh...

I hope you realize
that if it isn't returned

in time for the show,
provision "M" will kick in.

Oh, no! Not provision "M."

I tried to talk him
out of it. You heard me.

W-What's provision "M?"

♪ Shoulda read your contract ♪

Oww! Hey!

-Oh, man!
-Oh, man!

Come on, take it.

It's money.

Not for sale!

Not for all-a the money in the world.

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.
Buy more butter.

You're gonna belong to me.
I've got big plans for us.

Roger, I've gotta have the hat back now,
like we agreed.

Hmm, hmm, hmm...ahh!

Yes! Hat plus Doug equals cow! Bingo!

OK, you can have the hat
if you do me one favor.

No way. You agreed.

But I never agreed to return it in good
condition, did I?

Ahh!

A contract's a contract, Dougie.

Time for provision "M!"

Aaah!

Aaaah!

OK! I'll do it.

One favor!

One thing I was learning:
don't make any deals

until you know exactly what
you're agreeing to

because...

Shh!

Before I knew what was happening,

I was strappin' wheels
on a big plastic cow.

[grunting]

We're not stealing this, are we?

[laughs] No. I'm paying good money for it.

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.
Buy more butter.

Funnie, get up there and pull.

OK.

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.

[Roger] Shut up, cow.

[Doug] This cow weighs a ton.

Come on, Funnie, heave! Heave!

Whoa! Whoa! Waaa!

Whoaaa!

Hey, hey, hey! Funnie! Stop it!

Ee yaa ooh!

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.

[TV] All of Bluffington is abuzz

about the heinous theft
of the big plastic cow.

Uh, I-I'm gonna go do my homework.

[Theda] Who, now,
who would take a big plastic cow?

[Phil] Take it? Where would they put
a big plastic cow.

[screams]

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.

-Shh!
-Buy more butter.

Shut up!

[knock on door]

Whew!

So, where's my hat?

Well, Judy, I guess you'll
have to provision "M" me.

What is it?

Mmm...

Read it...

And weep, Dougie.

It was worse than I ever imagined.

[Judy] "Provision M:

Doug must perform
in all my shows forever!"

I'd been in Judy's shows before,

Like that play about digestion.

I was the sandwich.

♪ Your saliva starts yngestion ♪

♪ Crushing teeth and pushing tongue ♪

OK, toothpick, ready and pick!

♪ Carbohydrates are unwrung ♪

Judy!

Hey!

Well, I don't see any hat.

Measure him, Cassius.

Good news. He'll fit right into
the Puck Costume.

See ya tomorrow, Puckie.

Oh...

When is this ever gonna end?

I should've done my report about you,
Porkchop.

[TV] I'm Fleck Marshall

with typical Bluffington businessman,
Mr. Waymyear Curdzini.

[sobbing] Oh, I love-a my big plastic cow!

What have I done?

Now this poor guy's got no cow.

Just because I didn't want to tell Judy
the truth about the hat.

I started it, now I'll finish it.

[grunting]

OK, stop here, or it'll roll down
out of contr--

Whoaaa!

I wish-a I may, I wish-a I might,

have-a the cow I wish-a tonight.

Whoaaa!

Big plastic cow!

You're back!

I guess you've gotta take-a
the good with-a the bad.

Sorry about your cow, mister.

Is it okay if I take this money
back to Roger now?

Oh, please-a!

Oh, take it for sure!

[cow voice tape] Buy more butter.

[radio] News flash! The cow comes home.

"Mr. Curdzini said his cow

was returned by a mysterious flying boy."

Wow, Doug! I didn't know you could fly!

Here's your money back.

Brilliant move, Funnie.
Now you'll never get the hat.

What are you gonna do, man?

Tell Judy the truth.

I said I'd guard that hat
with my life, but I didn't.

It's my fault.

Now I know that if you
don't face a problem,

you get a big plastic cow in your room.

Dougie!

Judy? What are you doing here?

I need either my hat
or you in a Puck costume.

Judy, the truth is I was careless
and lost your hat.

Roger found it, and he won't give it back.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

Hey! You! Give me my hat!

[sock]

-[Roger grunts]
-If you want anything done right,

don't leave it to your brother.

Joey Cucamunga, she sure is forceful.

[sighs]

So, Judy had her hat back,

but because she got it herself,

I still had to be in her shows forever.

Actually, no. Doug doesn't have
to be in your shows.

I don't?

Oh, what do you mean?

The contract doesn't say
Doug had to return the hat.

As long as you got it back,
he's off the hook, legally.

Yes! Yes!

And then Judy did something awful,

something she's never done before.

She acted like a human being.

But who's gonna play Puck?

My play will be Puckless,

A disaster! [sobs]

Even though I was off the hook,

I still did lose the hat,

so I volunteered to be
in Judy's show anyway.

Oww! Oof!

If we shadows have--ow! Offended,

Think but this, and--ow! All is mended.

If-- ow! Oof!

I really learned a valuable lesson.

Next time I need to do a report,

I'm gonna listen to my dog.

The life of Porkchop J. Funnie.