05x12 - Doug's Brain Drain

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪
-[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckles]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct chatter]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal...

it all started at a special assembly

called by our principal Mr. White.

[plays note]

-[harmonizing]
-♪ He's Bluffington's own favorite son ♪

♪ He used to be the mayor ♪

♪ Now, your attention, please ♪

♪ Your principal ♪

♪ Is here ♪

[humming]

Students of Beebe Bluff middle school

It is not enough just to get good grades.

You got to be well-rounded, too.

♪ Well-rounded ♪

Well-rounded kids
accomplish amazing things

in their spare time.

Like, maybe, winning a Nobel prize

or starting
a "Re-elect Bob White for Mayor" club.

Many of you may remember
that I was once mayor of this town

not just some glorified baby-sitter
to a bunch of...

[all] Ohh!

Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Therefore, I hereby declare today

Blab Abba day.

♪ B-l-a-b a-b-b-a ♪

♪ Blab Abba ♪

[reading the page]

Today, all you young persons

can sign up for a club

that will make you a well-rounded citizen

of Beebe Bluff middle school.

-I can be like a beaver, Skeet.
-In what way, Doug?

I'm going to be the Blab-abbiest achiever

in Bluffington.

[footsteps]

That's me.

I was really excited about Blab Abba day.

I couldn't wait to see all the cool clubs
I could join.

Whoa!

Future farmers, chess and cheese

mushrooms...

Wow! What are you going to
check out first, Doug?

Gee, I don't know.

Giant cockroaches, calculus, mushrooms...

It's really hard to choose, isn't it?

Sure is.

Maybe... future fruit.

See that thing over there
that looks like a watermelon?

-That's a grape.
-Yup.

Hmm. Giant fruit.

Ah, yes, Mr. Funnie, this way.

And now, fellow congressmen

I'd like to present the boy
from Bluffington

who grew the world's largest zucchini.

It's Doug Funnie!

[crowd cheering]

Oh, Doug!

You're so agrarian!

I know a little about grafting techniques
and product ratios

but I'm wondering about your analysis

of prorated pickers' fees.

Chalky, how do you know so much
about fruit?

Oh, you know, ever since my mom

put an apple in my lunch bag
way back in kindergarten

I've been doing research
on the fruit market.

But then again, who hasn't?

[forced laugh]

Hey, what do you think about
the new fruit fly genetics?

Are they for real, or what?

Hello, Doug Funnie.

Want to join our chess club...

And sample a wide variety of cheeses?

Well, I... I know how to play.

Ah.

Hah!

[whispering] Negative 36.

No, no.

Negative 36 to the third power.

Congratulations, Doug Funnie.

My brother believes you have discovered

the worst first move in chess history.

Cheese?

Aww...

He's got a cool and damp basement
all his own!

Well, you want to join, huh,
you want to join?

You get this
"have fun with fungus" button.

And a shiitake starter set.

Gee, I don't think so. Not my thing.

Mine either. Sorry.

Save the cockroach!

[both] Eww!

Huh?

Oh, wow!

[making noise]

[popping the William tell overture]

[joins in]

Ahooga!

Hey, man, you're cool!

Check this out.

[does comin' 'round the mountain
with various sounds]

We need you, man.

You and your friend want to join?

Yes, sure we do, don't we, Doug?

[Doug] It looked like fun

but Skeeter was so much better
at it than me.

I'd be just kind of no-big-deal.

Nah, you go ahead.

I'm going to keep looking around.

[limbo music playing]

Ta-da!

Doug!

You have to try this!

Yeah! Come on, Doug.

Um, well, OK.

Uh-uh-uh...

Whoaaaah!

Ow! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry!

-I don't believe it!
-Oh, please!

Aww...

[both] Cheese?

Aww...

Sorry, guys... sorry.

Whoa, dude!

You must really hate this place.

Oh, hey, Skunky.

No, just trying to find
the right Blab Abba.

Blabba dabba doo, average dude.

Why you calling me average?

'Cause I word-checked
your permanent record, man.

You what?

Word-checked your permanent record.

Last summer, dude

when assistant principal Bannon

gave me summer detention

he forgot I was there

and I got locked in.

So I kicked back and read everybody's
permanent records...

And I noticed yours says average

Um... uh...

Thanks, Skunky.

No problem, average dude.

Yeah, um... same to you.

Doug average. Good ol' average Doug.

There's got to be something
I'm better-than-average at.

Huh?

[all chanting] We're smarter than you

and we can prove it, too.

♪ We're the Beebe Bluff brain team ♪

♪ We're the smartest and the best ♪

♪ If you think that you are brainy ♪

♪ Just try taking our test ♪

We need two new members to compete with us

in the Tricounty Bowl of Brains.

Could one of those new members be you?

Me? A brainy guy?

And the winners are

those unbelievably brainy
Beebe Bluffsters!

Let's give a special round of applause
for Doug Funnie

who, even though he's not a brain surgeon

repaired my brain, and since then

everything's been just
telephone noodle ashtray.

[laughing]

Just kidding. [chuckles] I'm great.

Here he is, let's hear it.

[crowd cheering]

[Crooner] ♪ He's ♪

♪ Mister brainy guy ♪

♪ With IQ that's so high ♪

♪ We're stupefied ♪

♪ Yes, he's called ♪

-♪ Mister brainy guy ♪
-[crowd cheering]

♪ With a cranium packed... ♪

Oh, Doug, you have such a huge brain!

Wow! If I was on the brain team,
I'd really be something special.

You going to try out for the brain team,
Doug?

You think I should?

I don't know. Well, why not?

Well, for one thing, I'm average.

Hey, me, too.

But you've got, like, a genius IQ.

Yeah, and a C plus average. Heh heh!

Let's go for it, man.

[in unison] What have we got to lose?

"The square of the hypotenuse

is equal to the sum of the squares
of the lengths

of the other two sides
of a right... triangle."

Yeah!

Maybe this brain team test

won't be so hard after all.

[girl] Where we going today, Ms. Russell?

Whoo-hoo!

We're driving right up Doug's nose

and into his brain, little missy.

Now, hold on tight!

Watch out for mucus, kids.

Just look out the window to your right.

You see that huge, fleshy mess over there?

That's Doug's knowledge of arithmetic.

Oh! It's humongous!

Hey, Doug, are you lined up
for the brain test?

Yeah, I guess.

Man, I wish I'd studied more for it.

I meant to read Aristotle

but I only got through the first

Of course, my Greek's a little rusty.
How about you?

Oh, well... You know. Heh.

Get me out of here, Skeeter!

What do I think I'm doing,
taking a brain test?

I know what you mean, man.
I choke on tests.

They give me the ooglies! Ooh!

But who knows? Maybe we'll do great!

Besides, what have we got to lose?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

What have we got to lose?

Oh, man!

That's it! I'm out of here!

Hey, wait!

Get back in there.

You can't just check out. You're my brain!

You got yourself into this, Einstein.

But... but...

The time for "but," pal,
was back when you signed up.

Could've gone for the mushroom club,
but, nooo

we got to be a genius.

We got to show everyone
how special we are.

Now, look at Chalky just flying through.

Hmm. Wish I could've been his brain.

Hey, look! You can see his answers!

So?

Hello. Anyone home in there?

Do you think they have any questions
about comic books?

No.

And do we even know one word of Greek?

-Uh... souvlaki?
-All right, Aristotle.

You can be the dork who turns in a test

with souvlaki written 100 times

or you can just take a little glance
to your right.

Oh, Doug, you're a...

Wait a minute.

Is that your score?

Doug, where was your brain?

[Patti] It says...

It says "the two newest members

of the Beebe Bluff Brain Team

are Chalky Studebaker..."

And... "Doug Funnie?!"

-Funnie? You mean Doug Funnie?
-What?

Where did that come from?

[Connie] That's really cool.

I mean, that's... surprising.

Way to go, man!

"And the alternate

in case anyone gets sick
or doesn't show up..."

is Skeeter Valentine!

[all cheering]

Yeah, man!

-Go, brain team!
-Oh, yeah! What a brain!

[Doug] At first it felt really great.

Lots of kids congratulated me

even some I didn't know.

I didn't feel so average anymore.

I felt kind of special

sometimes maybe even a little too special.

Oh, Doug, would you like to
come to my house?

Um, well... huh?

We could swim in the pool
and watch my 3D-HD TV for a while

And then you could... I-I mean

We could do my homework...

I-I mean, our homework.

Hey, Funnie, want to come over to my house

and watch super 4D-HD TV for a while?

Then do my homework?

Forget it, Roger. I dibs him first!

Back off!

Funnie would never stoop
to doing your homework.

So, what do you say, Funnie?

Doug, if you don't do my homework

I'll never be your friend again.

Oh, brother.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Come on, Funnie. Chop chop.

He's coming with me!

-No, me!
-No, he's with me!

-Get your hands off him!
-Wow!

He's coming with me.

-Coming with me!
-Hey, let go!

-Me!
-Whoa!

[Doug] All this attention was great
at first

But there was one thing
I had forgotten about.

-♪ Blab ♪
-♪ Blab Abba ♪

[crowd cheering]

Greetings, future voters.

Hello, young people.

Blab Abba day was a big success.

And I'm especially proud
of our two new brain teamers.

Our own Chalky Studebooger

and Dan Funnie.

Let's hear a big round of applause

for these two eggheads of excellence.

And now, let's hear

a tiny little round of applause

for the runner-up Skeeter Valentine.

[mild applause]

Keep those super brains
of yours humming, Chalky and Dan

because next Tuesday,
the Beebe Bluff Brain Team

will be meeting Liver city

in the Tricounty Bowl of Brains!

[Doug] I had forgotten.

That's the contest where
you're up on stage in front of everybody

and they ask you really hard questions.

Mr. Funnie, here's your question.

Um, all right.

What is the meaning of life?

Um... um...

Ooh, you have ten seconds, Mr. Funnie.

Um... uhh...

Two?

Two? Hoo-hoo! Did you say two?

Or maybe, like, um...

two-point-something?

Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

[Doug] How did I get into this anyway?

-♪ Beebe Bluff Brain Team ♪
-♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Beebe Bluff Brain Team, hey! ♪

♪ Beebe Bluff Brain Team ♪

[both] Yay! Yay, son!

Way to go, Dougie.

Uh, excuse me, but--

Ooh, I've just got to give you
a smack, Douglas.

This isn't a mood swing.

I'm not having a mood swing.

I'm just so proud of you!

Thanks, mom, but I'm not feeling too good.

You need brain food,
that's what you need, mister.

How about some fish sticks
for breakfast, hmm?

Um... no, thanks, dad.

I don't think I can go to school today

or maybe ever, mom and dad.

You see, I'm...

I'm a...

a chea-chea...

A-a...

A chea...?

A chea...

A ch... Ah-choo!

Oh. I think I'm coming down
with something.

Well, you just rest up, honey.

Well, there's probably not much more

they can teach you in that school anyway.

The important thing is
to rest up and get well

for your big day.

Mom's right.

You got to be in tip-top
for the tricounty bowl of brains tomorrow.

Aww...

"The idea of being
invokes its an-antithesis

not being."

-[arf]
-Whew!

-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, Skeeter.

Heard you weren't feeling so hot.

Guess I'm kind of...

Kind of worried
about bowl of brains tomorrow.

Want me to help you cram?

I know you did better than me on the test

But maybe I can still help.

I may be beyond help.

♪ Who's the nicest kid we know? ♪

♪ It's Skeeter ♪

♪ Oh, look who he is friends with, though
It's cheater ♪

♪ Wouldn't you feel awful bad ♪

♪ If the closest friend you had ♪

♪ Cheated you the way he did? ♪

♪ Boy, he's just the cheating-est kid ♪

♪ Oh ♪

-♪ The cheater ♪
-[snorts]

Where do you want to start, man?
Astrophysics?

The Spanish inquisition? The Upanishads?

Um... the Upanishads...

They're like fish, right?

Ha ha ha! Whoo, that's a good one, Doug.

No, I'm talking about the Hindu Upanishads

The ancient Hindu scriptures.

Oh. Them.

Hey, look, Hegel!

Oh, wow, that really kept me
on the edge of my seat.

Oh, yeah. Heh. Me, too.

Cool. Want to review the dialectical logic
of the world-soul?

Um... OK.

[applause]

And now, Mr. Funnie

for 200 points...

Tell me what the German philosopher

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel meant

when he said that the synthesis
of being and not-being

is becoming.

Uh...

He meant, like...

Well, like...

Sounds like, uh...

Wait a minute.

Um...

Just a second.
It's on the tip of my tongue...

[imitating kazoo]

He meant, like, uh...

"Be like a beaver,
a Beebe Bluff achiever."

[gasping]

Mr. Funnie, I'm not kidding around here.

For 200 points, tell us what Hegel meant!

-Two point five?
-[crowd laughing]

Ohh...

-Skeeter, I can't do it!
-Can't do what?

You should be on the Brain Team, not me.

Oh, come on! You got a better score.

That's 'cause I cheated.

I copied off Chalky's paper.

Gee, that is cheating, isn't it?

Why did you do that, Doug?

'Cause... well...

'Cause I'm not really good at anything.

Sure you are.
You're good at lots of things.

OK, but I'm not the best.

[Skeeter] Well, who is?

No matter how good you are

there's always somebody who's better.

I mean, I'm not exactly
Billy "big cheeks" Ballou.

-Um, who?
-Billy "big cheeks."

You know, Mr. Mouth
sounds of the tricounty area.

Bhrrrrr!

Sounds good to me.

That's 'cause you never heard big cheeks.

Ah, he's the greatest.

I guess there's only one thing
I can do, Skeet.

Well, I'm sure principal White will be
cool about it

if you explain it to him
like you did to me.

You did what?!

I'm sorry, Sir. I know it was wrong.

No, no, no. What did you do?

I didn't understand what you said.

You lost me on the big cheeks thing.

I cheated, Sir.

Well, you're a very honest
young person, Dan.

Unfortunately, this isn't
the honesty club.

It's the brain club, isn't it?

Now, if we had a cheating club,
you'd be captain

but we don't, and you're not.

-So, sorry. You're off the team.
-Yes, sir.

I expected that, Mr. White.

[Doug] Everybody knew why I got
kicked off the brain team, of course.

Oh, Doug, you can forget about
coming over, OK?

In fact, why don't you go over to Roger's?

Not so fast, sister.

You wanted him, you got him.

What do I need him for?
I already know how to cheat.

[Doug] I felt bad enough, all right

but better than when I was pretending
to be Mr. Big brain.

And now for the final question.

This one's worth 10 points

and it will decide the winner

of the Bowl of Brains.

Here's the question.

What are the Upanishads?

[buzz]

Oh, wow! Skeeter's going to do it!

He's going to win!

Skeeter Valentine
for Beebe Bluff middle school.

What is your answer?

Um... hmm. Uh...

You can do it, Skeeter.

Uh...

Take your time, now.

Think carefully. No pressure.

Just get it right
for the sake of Beebe Bluff

that's all I'm asking.

For the sake of your school!

For the sake of... me!

Upanishads!

U-pan-i-shads!

Hoo, boy! Oh, me!

Wuh-wee!

[making sounds]

Well, now, let me see.

Judges, can we accept that?

I choked, man. I just choked.

Hey, that's OK.

I knew you knew the right answer.

This high-pressure brain team stuff
just isn't my thing.

I told you I get the ooglies.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Wish you'd join mouth Sounds 'R' Us, man.

We're going to have a mouth concert

and a festival of oral art.

Cool, but I'm not as good as you.

Oh, who cares? The thing is, it's fun.

Here, try this.

[humming the Star Spangled Banner]

[continues song]

[imitates rim sh*t]

Hey, not bad!

-You think?
-You're a natural.

Come on, let's go to Swirly's.

[Doug] Well, journal...

I guess I learned three things today.

One, having to cheat
to be good at something

is a pretty good indication

that you really don't care that much
about it in the first place.

Two, just when you think you're the best
at something

well, along comes Billy "big cheeks."

So what if you're not
the best at something?

Trying your best is what counts.

And the third thing I learned

is that the form of the relation

of individual being to absolute being

is intrinsically negative
and therefore self-opposed.

That is, the relation of the actual world

to the in-itself qua a viands

is as much a negating as a positing

of that actual world.

I guess.

[theme music playing]