05x16 - Doug's Hot Dog

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Bluffington was always
a quiet, happy place.

Then the thing came to town.

[screaming]

[whistling]

[expl*si*n]

-I thought it could never happen here.
-[siren blaring]

Ah, here comes the army!

[cheers]

[Patti] All right!

[crash]

Who can stop that thing?

-Aw, doggone it.
-Oh, my goodness.

Wait! This is all my fault.

I started it.
Now I must face this deadly terror.

Alone.

Feel free to disagree.

Guys?

Whoa!

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

Pfft.

[Doug] Dear journal,
this day was super normal,

so I should have known something weird
was definitely on the way.

We'd better hurry home, Skeet,
it's getting dark.

That's okay, Doug.

I have plenty of reflector tape
so cars can see us.

Mmm-hmm.

Reflector tape is an important part
of road safety.

Ooch. An unnatural green glow.

[Skeet] Hey, Al. Hey, Moo. Honk, honk!

We are being greeted
by an unnatural phenomenon.

[Al] Fame and fortune await.

[brakes screeching]

Oh, Hecuba.

It is only Doug Funnie
and a shiny green honking mummy.

Terrifying and yet safety conscious.

I almost didn't recognize you guys.

How'd you grow beards?

Through the mail.

We can converse no longer.

According to our data,

a UFO will be landing right here tonight
in this very spot.

Hmm, you forgot to carry the two.

[uncomfortable laughter]

The mummy is correct.

This chocolate chip covered a number.

Uh, chocolate is my curse.
[uncomfortable laughter]

It'll be easy as pie to recalculate. See?

You carry the seven and reintegrate.

Uh, let's see...
That means they won't land till next week.

And they're going to land right here.

I beg to differ, o luminous mummy,
they will land here.

-No, here.
-Here.

-Here.
-Here.

[Doug] Seeing that the alien hunt
was going to take a while,

I decided to head back
to my home galaxy for dinner.

[barking]

[panting]

-Aah!
-[brakes screeching]

Careful, puppy. I almost ran you over.

What? You want to play?

[yaps]

Great!

[barking]

[laughs] Hey, where did you get--

[man] Hey, there it is.

Hey, man!

You need to control your dog, man!

He's not my dog!

Go away!

[barking]

[car horn honking]

[grunts] Give it back!

Tell your dog to let go of my pizza!

It's not my dog!

Whoa!

[grumbles]

[growls]

[barking]

Go home, boy,
before you get us both in big trouble.

[whimpers]

You're lost, aren't you?

[Doug] How could I leave
that poor, tiny puppy alone?

He needed me.

Don't worry. You're not lost anymore.

Now you're found.

[laughs]

[Doug] I didn't know
how my family would react

to my bringing a puppy home.

Shh!

Um...

Slice of pizza, Doug? Just delivered.

Mmm. It tastes fuzzy.

[chomping]

No, thanks.

What is that thing?

[barks and pants]

Ooh, puppy!

He's tres adorable! Boo, boo, boo, boo!

He was lost in the park.
I couldn't just abandon him.

Well, he is pretty cute.

He's not like Porkchop.

He's more like a real dog.

[whimpers]

You know, Douglas, a puppy's not a toy.

It's a big responsibility.

I know.

But it'll only be until I get him back
to his real home anyway.

[whimpers happily]

What if nobody claims it?

Well, I guess I'd better make
some "found puppy" posters.

[whistles]

[Doug] I decided one poster was enough.

After all, I didn't want to overdo it.

[happy whimpering]

[giggles] Oh, oh.

[Judy] Look at the little paws!

[laughter]

[plays classical music]

[burps]

[all] Aww.

Isn't he incredible?

[whimpers]

[whines]

[barks, pants]

Porkchop, stop acting silly.

[grumbles]

[puppy whimpering]

[growls]

Well, Bill, I'm glad
the whole Bluff family

could finally come over for dinner.

Well, Phil, we were curious
as to what the simple folk do.

Weenie casserole al Mexicali!

This isn't French, is it?

No, but the fries are! [laughs]

[Doug] Somebody please pass the ketchup?

[Bill] I haven't had a french fry
since my bypass surgery.

Aah!

Porkchop, what are you doing?

Ooh, that filthy animal ate my food!

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

Judy says you're acting up
because you're jealous.

[whimpers]

And your blaming that puppy
proves she's right.

Now, stay outside
until the Bluffs go home.

Oh, now, that's one fine puppy.

[burps]

[all] Aww.

[snarling]

[Al] Beepoopbeeaghoheeeeei!

[Moo] Galamalamalamalama!

If you try saying "galamalamalamalama"
to an alien,

they'll laugh you off the planet.

If their spacecraft looks like that,
I'll be laughing first.

[Al] This is my conception
of an intergalactic vehicle

based upon propulsion theory.

It looks retro. Too '80s.

[whispering] The female sibling
of Doug Funnie shows interest in me.

Don't look!

She's looking at us.

No. No, me. Me.

She's not interested in you.

Where are you going?

Our UFO calculation...

[Judy] Oh, that this too, too solid flesh

would melt, thaw and resolve...

Yes. Yes.

How could she be interested in you
and not me?

-We are identical.
-[Judy speaking]

Look. Same DNA.

You. Me.

Love is beyond science, my brother.

You are putting thoughts of Judy Funnie
before science? It is wrong!

[yaps]

Shake hands, roll over, stand up.
Bunny hop, speak.

-You do all the tricks Porkchop won't do.
-[yaps]

[growls]

It's great having a real puppy like you.

[turns rock music louder]

Hey, Doug, honk, honk, let's go.

The movie starts in ten minutes.

I'm going to the movies now!

[Theda] Did you walk the puppy?

Not exactly. Bye, Mom.

Douglas. Dog. Now.

Perfect.

[Doug] I soon found out
that puppies aren't fun all the time.

One puppy just had another accident.

Gross. I'm eating.

Now, Dougie.

[yapping]

Hey, Doug, come on.
We're all going to play beetball.

All right... Oh, no, I can't.

I have to go home and feed the puppy.

All right. See you.

[snores]

Doug, wake up. You have to walk the dog.

Why? Porkchop knows how--

[whimpers]

Oh, right.

[whimpers]

[yapping]

Come on. We're not here to play.

[Doug] Dad? I'm going
to meet the guys at Swirly's--

Oh, no!

No! Not on my new shoes!

-[retches]
-Ugh!

[laughs] Hello there, Douglas.

Oh, you look a little stressed out.

I walk the puppy, I feed the puppy,

play with the puppy,
clean up after the puppy,

and, oh, yeah, I do homework.

Is that a life?

You know, my dog used to misbehave.

Now he's perfect.

You have a dog?

Pibbo! [laughs] Here, boy!

[whistles, chuckles]

[mechanical voice] Bark. Bark. Hello, Bud.

I've fetched the paper.

Today's top stories are...

You know, I had trouble at the beginning.

But ever since the software upgrade,
oh, he's been great!

I can't upgrade a puppy.

You can't? Hmm.

Maybe you just need a new remote. [laughs]
Want to borrow mine? [laughs]

I don't think that'll help.

Hey, Bud, let's play catch.

I love dogs. [laughs]

[whining]

[announcer] Are you lonely?

-Feeling neglected, depressed...
-[whimpers]

[announcer] Rejected, forsaken, abandoned?

Then you're just the right person
for a puppy.

Huh?

Aah!

[announcer] Come adopt
your next best friend

at the Bluffington Pet Society.

[Judy] Douglas!

Let go, boy!

Huh? [gasps]

Do you know what this is, you stupid cur?

A Shakespeare first folio
on special loan from the museum!

Let go!

[squeals]

He... ate... Shakespeare!

Oh, I'm having a heart att*ck!

[gasps] You are supposed
to be watching that beast!

I can't watch it all the time!
When do I get to have fun?

I don't care!

He's your responsibility!

[Doug] The puppy was no fun anymore.

It was time to find its real owner.

[yapping]

[yapping]

Doug? What a cute puppy!

[giggles]

I wish I had a little guy
like you at home.

Hey, Patti, how'd you like
to take him home?

Me? Really? I'd love to.

He's adorable!

[whimpers happily]

Great!

I've got to keep putting up these posters.

Here.

See you.

[giggles] You're just so cute!

Look at your little nose. Aww.

-[Doug] Hey, hey!
-[Skeeter] Good one, man!

[Doug] All right!

[Doug] Boy, this is the most fun
I've had in a week!

Ta-da!

[barks, pants]

Something wrong, Patti?

This dog either buried or ate
all of my sports equipment.

-It's all missing, even my bowling ball.
-[burps]

You know what they say about puppies
and sports equipment.

[laughs]

Take him back.

Hey, great puppy.

[Doug] The puppy was so cute

that all my friends
volunteered to take him...

for a little while.

[puppy howls]

[howls]

[howls]

Hike.

[snores]

[doorbell rings]

Dad says I can't let a puppy
jeopardize my football career. Here.

[Doug] Luckily, Ned had already
volunteered to take the puppy next.

My dad says the dog did it.

[Doug] Before long...

[murmurs]

...I had run out of volunteers.

Looks like I'm stuck with you.

[Al] We are broadcasting
vital information into space.

A map of Bluffington...

[slurps]

...so they know where to find us.

[Skeeter] Cool.

Send this one next.

[Al] Not her again!

We want to attract a higher intelligence.

We are sending
our favorite math joke book:

"Pi equals 4."

[laughs]

Photos of our vacation
to Krasnee's Crater.

Things aliens would respect.

I don't care! She is a star!
She belongs in the heavens!

I can't let you throw away
all our hard work for some...

actress!

Haven't we always dreamed of the day

aliens would abduct us
for scientific study?

[both grunting]

Do you want them to abduct someone else

because you care more
about a female than science?

Ooh.

What was I thinking?

The stars, my destiny!

Forgive me.

Hey, let's send them a copy
of Man O'Steel Mancomics.

[uncomfortable laughter]

Don't think so.

[yapping]

[Doug] I can't go anywhere or do anything.

Will you cut that out?

[Judy] Oh, Douglas.

You know, there are two
weird little guys at school

who I bet would appreciate
a weird dog like that.

Forget it. He'd just cause more trouble

and they'd get mad at me
like everyone else.

Well, can't hurt to ask.

[Al] Here she comes.

Hi.

How would you cute little guys
like a cute little pup--

[grunts] Don't make this harder
than it already is.

Don't embarrass yourself
by declaring your undying love for me,

-here, in front of very advanced pupils.
-My what?

I must dedicate myself
to the search for extraterrestrial life.

But we'll always have our memories.

Don't look back. It's easier that way.

I... Wha...

You'll meet someone else
if you stop acting so weird.

I think that went pretty well.
You won't be sorry.

Hey, a Man O'Steel Man comic.

Somebody will be sorry they tore this up.

It's a valuable collector's item.

Wow. More valuable pages,
even here in my own house.

In my own house?

What are you doing?

Issue number one!

My whole collection!

That's it! You're out of here!

You're going right back where I found you.

Nice knowing you. Bye-bye.

[barks]

Don't follow me!

-[grunts]
-[yapping]

[whimpering]

[whimpering]

Sorry, cute little puppy,
you're no fun anymore.

I have to go have fun.
I'll catch you later.

Not!

[evil laughter]

[screams]

What have I done?

I abandoned that poor puppy.

Porkchop! Porkchop?

What happened to you? I need your help.

[whimpering]

We have to find that puppy.

[whimpers]

What's the matter?

Are you mad at me because I spent
all my time with the puppy

and ignored you?

[Doug] I realized that I hadn't
just been mean to my new friend,

but I had been mean
to my best non-human friend, too.

I guess I was only thinking about myself,
Porkchop.

I stink.

[whimpers]

What? You'll help me anyway?

You're the best.

[barks]

[Al] According to our new calculations,
the UFO will land in 37.2.

Shouldn't we have invited
Skeeter Valentine?

No. He would frighten the aliens
with his bizarre appearance.

[Bill] Let's see that new laser
spell my name in the sky.

[pilot] Uh, Mr. Bluff, Sir,
it's not quite ready, Sir.

I paid for it, I wanna see it!

There it is.

It's coming down! We were correct!

Let's greet them in their language.

[plays theme from
Close Encounters of the Third Kind]

Ah, a little malfunction, Sir.

What? That doesn't spell "Bluff."
You're fired!

Welcome to Earth.

Quickly, notify
the Extraterrestrial Channel.

Okay, you look that way, and I'll... Huh?

We're on the scene
where two Bluffington boys

have discovered a strange,
dog-like UFO being.

[barks]

It possesses unearthly
alien energy. Watch.

[yapping]

[Moo] Look, it's communicating
with its leader again!

[yapping]

I'll tell them it's just a dog.

[Moo and Al] Ahh!

Boy, they look as happy together as...
you and me.

Uh, it has strange powers.

Just looking at it,
makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

[sighs] Well, come on, Porkchop.

We will keep it safe and happy
until the mother ship returns.

And maybe in thanks,
they will take us with them.

And study us.

[both] Yes! Yes!

[Doug] I guess I never realized

that not every pet
is right for every person.

Pets aren't toys, pets are people.

Not people-people, just non-human people.

[theme music playing]