03x09 - The Ghosts of Christmas Presents

[bunniefuu]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Christmas
at the Critch house

was a thrifty affair.

Mom would wrap up stuff
from around the house

to make the tree look a
little more filled out.

What about the coffee pot?

Ooh!

Nice shape!

Hey, Mom, you seen my electric razor?

I wrapped it and put it under the tree.

- What?
- I only got it for ya in October!

- It's practically a Christmas gift.
- Yeah...

Act surprised when you open it again.

[INSTRUMENTAL "WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

I think this is it.

Oh, pull the tape gently
so you don't rip it.

Wrapping paper doesn't grow on trees.

- Well, technically...
- Ehh...

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
Mom's thriftiness taught me

to be an expert wrapper...

And un-wrapper.

Thanks.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
This year, I only had one thing

on my list, and I couldn't wait

to get my hands on it.

Are you still gawking
at that catalogue page?

It's not just a page!

This is a Gemini home video game console

with dual-command joystick
and two cartridges!

When I was a boy, you'd
be lucky to get an orange.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The Critch men believed that

"it's the thought that counts."

As in, "a penny for your thoughts."

[SCROOGE POP COUNTING]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I came
from a long line of Scrooges.

Hundred-and-eleven, hundred-and-twelve,

hundred-and-thir...
What do you want, child?

[FAKE COCKNEY ACCENT] Well, uh...

It's Christmas, sir.

Humbug!

I hate Christmas.

So, what do you want?

A yo-yo? A spin top?
Or a kick in the arse?

No, sir. I...

... would like a Gemini home
video game console, sir.

I do have a very special gift.

Merry Christmas.

Wha... ?

[TEARING PAPER]

[SCROOGE POP LAUGHING]

MARY: I don't know, Mark.

A video game is a pretty big gift.

I guess we'll see what Santa says.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The Critches were cheap,

but luckily Mom was only
a Critch by marriage.

Mom...

I'm too old to believe in Santa,

but I have nothing but faith...

In you.

Nice try.

Whoa, your father's doing his cards!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
Dad did his Christmas cards

the way most people did their taxes.

Dad?

Ah, we got a card from
Tony in Fort McMurray.

- Oh. Nice.
- He's got the diabetes.

Pass me the masking tape, will ya?

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The cards brought updates

from far-flung friends and family

that you didn't really know anymore.

Like analog social media.

So, I wanted to ask you something.

We never got a card from
Aunt Tilly this year.

But we did get a card
from Leo in New Jersey.

Good.

He says Tilly hasn't
been feeling very well.

So, Leo, alive.

Tick.

But Tilly...

Gonna have to mark her down
as "missing and presumed dead."

Boy, there's less and
less cards every year.

Maybe I could bring by
the girl I've been seeing?

I'd really like for
you guys to meet her.

I dunno, Mike, b'y.

Christmas is a very busy time.

There's a lot on the go.

It's not a good time to
be having people over.

See, that's kind of
what normal people do.

They, uh, they have
people over at Christmas.

Why don't you just
bring her to mass, hey?

- You mean midnight mass?
- Mm-hm.

Yeah... yeah. Sure. Uh...

I think... I need to
tell you, though. She's...

MARY: Mike?

- What?
- MARY: Where's Jesus?

At the right hand of the father.

MARY: I can't find the baby Jesus.

What is a Nativity without a baby Jesus?

It's just a group of strangers
standing around a barn

with pack-all to talk about.

He's not under the couch!

Why don't you just buy another one?

Oh!

You can't "just buy" a baby Jesus.

They don't sell 'em by the each!

That's how they get you.

Yeah, you gotta buy the
whole damn set again.

Bloody Vatican mafia.

What's wrong with him?

Phew!

[DOOR SLAMS]

How about this?

Yeah, that'll do.

Yeah! Pop him in.

MARY: It's kinda cute.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
Nothing said Christmas

like the church raffle.

The big prize was a chance to
win one of two live turkeys,

named after VOCM personalities.

Us kids were made to dress
up as a living Nativity,

to shake the last few
Christmas coins from folks

and put the fun in "or-phun."

Two for 50, five for a dollar!

Two dollars for one, three for 5!

FATHER HANDRIGAN:
Number 317 is the winner

of the hind quarter of
moose from W.J. Murphy!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: One
thing I learned that year...

It's hard to find a baby Jesus.

d*ck: Come on now, my lovelies!

We've got 25 cents
holding up the wheel here!

SISTER ROSE: Ahh! Here!

POP: Ahh!

- [MUAH]
- [GROWLS]

d*ck: Look, Mike, b'y!

He's got your legs!

[LAUGHTER]

You look delicious, Mike!

[TURKEY GOBBLES]

MARY: Come on, lighten up.

It's Christmas, hmm?

Think of the look on Mark's face
when he opens that gift, huh?

MIKE SR: Won't be long now
till he's big like Mike.

Well...

At least we always have Pop.

MARK: Donations...
Donations for the orphanage?

RITCHE: We don't even have prizes.

We can't compete.

Baby Jesus wants a bag of chips.

Frig off. We got chips at home.

Ya can't tell the baby
Jesus to frig off, b'y!

I need some change.

- Isn't it for charity, Sister?
- Eh...

Charity begins at home.

d*ck: Round and round
and round it goes...

Where it stops, only d*ck Dunphy knows!

And...

The winner of d*ck the Turkey

is number 72.



[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

I got it! Yup!

We have a winner!

[POP LAUGHING]

Hey, thank you! Yeah!

We've have it slaughtered
and delivered to you

for the big day, Pops!

Can't clean your own turkey, eh, Pat?

Of course I can.

No, no, I'll... I'll take it as is.

Yeah, I can k*ll my own turkey.

d*ck: You sure, Pat b'y?

Ever done that before?

[SCOFFS] Have I ever done that before?

Hah! Yeah! I'm not a
soft townie like you!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, no...

Huh. Yeah...

Ah, it's good.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: My hinting worked.

Mom agreed to put the game on layaway

at Consumers Distributing.

You flipped through a catalogue,

wrote down what you
wanted on a slip of paper

with a tiny pencil, and
they'd bring it to you.

Like analog online shopping.

Gemini gaming system.

Sweet gift.

I've been a very good boy,

and I'm exceptionally
good at guilting mom.

EMPLOYEE: Next?

Gemini gaming system, please.

Uh, yeah, we're all out of those.

It's practically Christmas.

My mom has it on layaway.

Mary Critch.

- You're picking up?
- No.

He just wants to visit it.

EMPLOYEE: [BACKGROUND]
Number 47, please...

I'm getting an Omnibot.

As seen on TV.

It goes forwards and backwards.

I've always wanted a robot
butler to serve me drinks.

Cool.

Yeah... you'd have to pour
the drink yourself first

and then put it on the tray, but...

Still, very cool.

Right.

Sorry, it's not there.

Impossible! Check again, please.

Next!

You know what this means, right?

She already picked it up!

The gaming system is
hidden inside your house!

Right now.

If you could find it, you could
play it when they're not home.

They'd never know!

Well...

[TURKEY GOBBLING AND FLAPPING]

- Wha...
- Pop... !

You can't keep that thing in the house!

k*ll it.

No, it's too soon.

I mean, you have to gain
the trust of the animal

before you k*ll it,
so that they feel safe,

and then the meat will
stay nice and tender.

I share a bathroom with four men.

I'm not sharing one with a turkey.

The turkey's in the tub!

I mean, if you want more privacy,

then just pull the
shower curtain across...

- Oh!
- [TURKEY GOBBLING]

Ah.

[TURKEY GOBBLING]

ANNOUNCER: [TV] Starting at noon,

parade-goers can watch
along Water Street.

It's supposed to be a cold one,
so bundle up the youngsters

if you plan on coming.

- MARY: That's cute.
- MIKE SR: Let's take it.

ANNOUNCER: [TV]... And bring
your letters for Santa.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: There were
only so many hiding places

in a house this size.

But Mom was clever.

ANNOUNCER: [TV]
He's asking kids to line up

along Commonwealth Avenue,
at noon on Sunday...

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The last place I'd expect...

- [POP SNORING]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[POP GROANING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Level one, complete.

My mother taught me how
to carefully unwrap gifts,

and I was using that power for evil.

Since my parents never went out,

the only way to play my game
was when they were asleep.

[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I zapped and jumped

long into the night, and well into dawn,

when it would be game
over if I got caught.

["CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING]

[POP SNORING]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Visions of Mario
danced in my head.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The whole family was heading out

to midnight mass.

The house would be empty.

And I had a date with a
barrel-throwing gorilla.

- Dad?
- Dammit!

Aunt Tilley's alive!

Isn't that a good thing?

Not when I've already
sent a "sympathy" card!

This is a disaster!

You know what?

I love midnight mass
more than anyone, but...

I think someone should stay
behind and watch the turkey.

You know, give it a last
meal before it becomes one.

You go ahead.

Oh, no you don't. You're going.

We all hate midnight mass.

That's the point of it.

You have to have some
misery Christmas Eve

so you can appreciate the
joy of Christmas morning.

- But...
- You're going.

"Pleased to hear of your survival"...

[TURKEY GOBBLING]

- Pop!
- Hm?

It's Christmas friggin'
Eve. No more excuses.

Shh! Very sensitive.

Got her on a special diet.

White wine.

I'm marinating from the inside.

No mass for you!

You are staying here
until you k*ll that turkey!

No mass?

Can I k*ll it?

Uh... do you want to?

No! Pop's gonna do it.

- Wha... ?
- By the lord dyin',

if I comes home and that
turkey is still breathing,

I swear to God you will be the one

getting stuffed in the morning!

[TURKEY GOBBLING AND FLAPPING]

[TURKEY CHIRPING]

Come on, we goes to friggin' mass!

Ah.

[TURKEY CHIRPING]

- [FLAPPING AND GOBBLING]
- Hm...

[TURKEY FLAPPING]

POP: You have the most
beautiful feathers.

Regal, almost.

And yet...

You can't even fly.

God can be cruel.

Plucking, oh, it's so barbaric!

[ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZES]

I wonder...

I wonder if I could use this.

Hmm. Mm-hm.

Ah...

Don't look at me like that.

That's the way my wife
used to look at me.

Oh, you're too wild
for this world, girl.

Way too wild.

Yeah, there you go. Beautiful.

There, there, that's nice!

[TURKEY CHIRPING]

Come on, girl... you can't stay here.

Come on, I don't want you here anymore.

Go, go, get!

- [TURKEY GOBBLING]
- Ahh!

Go... !

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

I had to let you go.

Merry Christmas, my lovely.

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

CHOIR: ♪ Joy to the world,
the lord is come ♪

♪ Let earth receive her king ♪

♪ Let every heart prepare him room ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing... ♪

♪ And heaven and
heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ He rules the world
with truth and grace... ♪

Oh, hi!

♪

- Mike...
- Yeah?

Is that girl pregnant?

What?

No, I'm sure it's just a
little bit of Christmas weight.

What'd she eat? The baby Jesus?

Shh!

Let us celebrate the virgin birth

that changed the world.

Let us gather in praise on the arrival

of an unexpected baby
that gave us all life...

I'm gonna friggin' k*ll him.

SISTER ROSE: The body of Christ...

FATHER GARCIA: ♪ A ray of hope ♪

♪ Flickers in the sky. ♪

SISTER ROSE: The body of Christ...

FATHER GARCIA: ♪ A tiny star
lights up way up high... ♪

The body of Christ...

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Whatever
was going on with Mike

was making midnight mass
feel like a funeral.

The body of Christ...

FATHER GARCIA: ♪ This comes to
pass when a child is born... ♪

The body of Christ.

FATHER GARCIA: ♪ ... Sails
the seven seas... ♪

♪ The winds of change... ♪

Amen.

♪ Whisper in the trees. ♪

♪ And the walls of doubt
crumble, tossed and torn. ♪

What the frig, Mike?

I thought you told them about me.

I did...

Yeah, okay, I didn't, but...

I was going to, I swear.

You're embarrassed of me, is that it?

Oh, God, no.

Well, I'm embarrassed.

She's looking at me like
I'm gonna steal her purse.

- Come on, that's my mother.
- And I'm your girlfriend.

You wants me to stay that way,
you can't be hiding me no more.

FATHER GARCIA: ♪ All across the land ♪

♪ Dawns a brand-new... ♪

Well, at least she put her coat back on.

Okay...

What's happening?

Nothing. None of your business.

What's going on?

Nothing. None of your business.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I'd never
seen my brother pray before,

but even I was throwing out a
few hail Mary's for him tonight.

♪

That was a nice mass...

I am too young to be a grandmother!

I thought we raised
you better than this.

Yeah, okay, okay. Look...
Linda's having a baby.

Oh! A Christmas miracle! The truth!

But it's not mine.

Oh, thank God! Well, hang on...

What are you doing with
her if it's not yours?

Well, her ex was a jerk, he dumped her,

and then we started dating, and...

Look, I like her.

She didn't even know
that she was, you know,

until we went out.

Sneaky hussy!

MIKE JR: No, no, no. It's not like that.

We're more friends than anything.

Look, we haven't even...

MARY: No, don't even say it!

Haven't what?

Never you mind! This is
not your responsibility!

I'm not gonna dump her
just 'cause she's pregnant.

She needs me.

She needs the child's father!

Look! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Home!

Oh, it's pretty with
all the lights, Mom.

Joseph wasn't Jesus's real dad.

- What if Mary dumped him, hmm?
- Oh, I swear to God...

Have you lost your mind?

Take a look at her!
It's no virgin birth!

And I am not gonna be wiping the arse

of somebody else's youngster!
You can forget that!

- [THUD]
- [TURKEY WHIMPERS]

Good God.

You k*lled d*ck.

[WIPERS CREAKING]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I couldn't sleep

after hosing down the driveway.

Sure, I could wait another few
hours, but I was on a roll...

[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

Oh, I've gotta get it...

[VIDEO GAME NOISES]

[TV STATIC SOUND]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

["CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING]

Oh, no...

[PANICKED MURMURING]

MARY: Mark?

Oh, Merry Christmas, honey!

I know you've been waiting
ages to play that thing!

Hey, no opening presents
until everyone's up!

Well, come on, hook it up!

Let's see what all the fuss is about!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: All I wanted
for Christmas now was a nap.

Maybe later... ?

You don't like it?

No, I just...

The Queen's Christmas
message is coming on.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC ON TV]

Good God!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Left on all night,

the game had b*rned
itself into the screen.

"High score...

Mark"?

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
The evidence was as clear

as the lines on the Queen's face.

Uh, I've been playing it.

At night. When you've been asleep.

Do you know what it meant to be
able to give you that this year?

I was excited to watch you open it!

Well, I hope it was worth it!

'Cause you got the TV
shagged up for good now!

- I'm sorry.
- God...

MARK: I didn't...

A video game with no
television to play it.

Ah! Well done, O Henry.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
My parents had worked hard

to give me the one thing I wanted,

and all I gave them in return
was a busted television.

I had been selfish.

I only thought of myself.

I was... a Scrooge.

Mmm!

Good God, that turkey's some tender.

- Aw.
- You know why?

It's because she was loved.

Well, I think it's
'cause Mom tenderized it.

Sucking up won't help you.

MARY: Mmm...

What's this?

It's a Christmas card.

From Linda.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: The
turkey had been replaced

by an elephant in the room.

Can't we just have a nice supper?

Just please?

Ow! Baby Jesus!

... baby Jesus.

[POP SIGHS]

Mom, Dad...

I'm sorry.

I acted like a dumb kid this Christmas.

You should return the game

and put the money towards
getting the TV repaired.

It's the right thing to do.

Very mature of you, son.

We'll figure it out.

We always do.

♪

Here.

♪

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Gifts can be fun.

But Christmas is about family.

Those who aren't with us anymore...

Mmm...

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
And those who aren't here yet.

MIKE JR: This is it.

The glorious world of radio.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
It's the thought that counts.

And sometimes, it's the
only thing that matters.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

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