05x05 - Without Reservations

[bunniefuu]

Good Boy!

-Hi!
-Why do we have a thank you note
from the mailman?

I lent him your razor.

He had a hot lunch date.

Check this out! Nunzio, pack!

I swear to God, he did it like four times
before you walked in.

If I'm not pry,
may I ask where Nunzio's going?

San Jose we're all going, Greg pack!

Maybe it's the way I'm saying it.

Why are we going to San Jose?

Because it's the nearest
available hotel room it's fleet week,

and the entire navy is going
to be in San Francisco

which is really going to throw off
the usual sailor to cowboy ratio.

That answers most of my questions except

why are we going to San Jose?

You know how we get all those people calling thinking
they're booking a room at a bed and breakfast

cause some British guidebook
printed our number by mistake.

No.

We've been getting all these people calling

thinking they're booking a room
at a bed-and-breakfast

cause some British guidebook
printed our number by mistake.

I've heard.

There's this couple; the Coopers,
they flew in all the way from England

they called from the airport so I called
the real BnB but they're all booked up,

then I started calling around
trying to find them a hotel room

the nearest one I could find was in San Jose.

-Fleet week.
-Tell me about it.

That that must be the Coopers.

-They made it at good time.
-Why can't they stay in San Jose?

It's their 25th wedding anniversary,

was the song they first danced to called
"I left my heart in San Jose"?

Apparently not.

-Hello!
-Hi!

Welcome to the
"I hope you're not allergic to dog hair Inn".

-Ohh!
-That's very good.

We're the Coopers, I'm Henry
and this is my wife Lorraine.

-Like the quiche.
-But not as rich.

Thank you so much for your hospitality.

We really appreciate
you putting yourselves out like this.

Not a problem.
Honey, get their bags.

-It's all right, the doorman's
bringing them up. -Ohh God!

-Where's he off to?
-We don't have a doorman.

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Season_5 Episode 5
Without Reservation.

Enjoy watching!

It is not a dream, I'm really sinking.

Come on, we got to put this away
before the Coopers get up.

Come on, you're the one
who didn't want to drive down to San Jose

and sleep in a perfectly good bed
that we already paid $59 for.

I'm sorry, I thought it would be rude
to skip out on the total strangers

staying in our home with our possessions.

All right up and Adam.

-Come, we got to make them breakfast.
-Why?

Because they are hoping
to stay in a bed and breakfast.

The least you can do is make them breakfast.

No the least you can do is say,
"I'm sorry you have the wrong number",

we passed, at least you can do
a long time ago.

Do we have any kippers?

No, the kipper man was late this week.

-What are kippers?
-Fish.

So, what is win one for the kipper?

I have no idea.

Let's make waffles,
there's waffle batter in the fridge.

Honey, they are sweet people
and we are doing a good thing.

I'll make waffles.

And fresh squeeze orange juice and put
parsley on the plate.

I'm not gonna put parsley on the plate.

There goes our three-star rating.

Good morning, how did you guys sleep?

-Excellent, always do.
-He wears earplugs.

-What's that?
-I said.. Oh you!
He gave me with that every time.

Guys, you're so cute.

Hey honey, come out here, I want you to see
how I want us to be in 25 years.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

-Orange juice?
-Judging by the color, I'd say yes.

Lovely, thank you.

-Is this freshly squeezed?
-Yes it is. -Ohh dear!

-What's wrong?
-There's nothing, it's nothing.

Could you possibly strain it, he can't have pulp.
He was born with delicate gums.

The entire family is like this.

How does the pulp affect his gums?

He's not permitted to floss.

-I'm very sorry.
-One makes do.

Honey, I'm gonna hop in the shower.
Abby's coming to take me to physical therapy.

You're leaving?

Greg will take care of anything you need.

I hope you're OK with blueberry waffles.

-I, for one, love blueberries.
-Excellent.

But they don't love me.

I'll see if I can pick them out.

Would an omelette be too much trouble?

-Omelette it is.
-There's a good fella.

Actually, I'll just stick with the waffles
and a pot of tea, if you could?

Maybe I should get my pad.

Abby, does Larry's friend still do that
flying high over San Francisco tour?

No honey, he went out of business.

People were disappointed
it wasn't in some kind of aircraft.

I really want to take the Coopers
somewhere fun, you know?

Not just the bridge in Chinatown
and Jerry Garcia's dentist.

I like to take people to
sit outside my ex-boyfriend's house

and play,
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"

that sounds fun.

What kind of things
do the Coopers like to do?

We just met,
I don't know anything about them.

Henry always wanted to be a potter, but
he didn't want to disappoint his parents.

He went to work for his father's company
which imports court from Portugal,

But Lorraine's theory is that
he wasn't so much trying to please his father

as he was trying
to accommodate his witch of a mother

who has always hung over their marriage
like a dark shadow, her words.

But in Henry's defense,

it is Lorraine's mother who lives with
them and still brings home strange men at 78.

Ghirardelli Square is always nice.

-Hey, look at Harry.
-Yeah, he's really trying to walk.

Hey, look at Dharma,
she's trying to walk too.

-It's not a competition, honey.
-I know.

Very good Harry, yes.

FYI, you may walk first but I'm wearing
big girl underpants.

-That's fantastic.
-Thank you.

This was rejected by people from a country

whose greatest culinary achievement
is fried fish and newspaper.

It's really good.

Is there anything about it
you would describe as... gritty?

Nope.

What's in it? Gruyere cheese, black first ham
and Herbes de Provence.

I cannot believe you like girls.

OK, all right, but it's not gritty, right?

Gregory, I have a crisis.
-Nice to see you too mother.

Hey, Mrs M. -Oh, of course.

I have just come from the zoo
and I am very upset.

They're animals,
you want them to get a room?

What is the problem, mother?

Look!

Do you have any idea how much money
the Montgomery family foundation
has given to that zoo?

-What am I looking at here?
-There, there.

The kitty Montgomery hippo habitat.

I was promised an aviary.

Don't hippos have those birds that
live in their mouth and clean their teeth?

Gregory, they are enormous, vulgar creatures
and they wallow Gregory, they wallow.

Have you talked to dad about this?

He just asked if we could go down there
and ride them.

Can we?

Next month they are opening a butterfly pavilion
and that is where I want my name.

The Buckleys have gazelles, the Allendales
got peacocks and I want butterflies.

Mother, I run a law office here I have a job.

And I have a hippo habitat.

I'll see what I can do.

-Hi honey, come on in.
-It's happy hour.

Yeah the appetizer's over there
and the well drinks are half price.

Oh no, I'm good.

We're out site-seeing all day by the time
we got back it was too late for high tea.

With any luck
we'll miss it again tomorrow, cheers!

Over the teeth and mind the gums.

The Coopers extended their reservation?

Would you like some sherry
or a high bar, we have a full bar.

I know, I come here a lot.

Stay clear of the scotch,
it's not Glasgow’s finest hour.

-Dherma! -Yeah.
-Speak to you for a moment in the kitchen.

Absolutely, I'll race you.

-Hey, you're walking.
-No, actually I'm running, you just can't tell.

Uh, Marcy is it?

I knew a woman in Manchester with a glass
eye called Marcy,

a good eye was called Wonda.

How did she lose the eye?

Why are the Coopers still here?

We can't find them a hotel room, at least
not one that meets our fleet week, right.

Alcatraz is fun, right?
It's touristy but it's fun, right?

-How long will they be staying?
-A while, I hope, the freezer's full of kippers.

If my man was weak gums he sure can't
suck down the five mozzarella sticks.

Can you give us a minute?

Why don't you go help Marcy
set up the karaoke machine? Karaoke machine.

OK, just when the timer dings on the stove,
you take out the Spanakopita.

All I'm saying is if you let total strangers in the
house like this, they're gonna take advantage of you.

They were total strangers,
but now they're our friends.

That's the beauty of having a BnB.

We don't have a BnB.

Dharma look, our sailors
from the cable car made it.

Let me buy you a drink.

I'm going to unload some of that Scotch for you.

This is it? This is your solution?

Snakes?

It's not just snakes, mother.
It's lizards and chameleons and uh uh

these little fellas.

They are horrendous,
I don't want this, I want butterflies.

It turns out that the butterfly pavilion
already has a sponsor.

-Who?
-It's not important who,

let's talk about
the historical importance of snakes.

Let's talk about Adam and Eve,
let's talk about the ecosystem, let's...

talk about those shoes in your closet.

Oh my God! The Manhunts have the butterflies.

-Yes they do.
-Damn that Teensy Manhunt.

She took the antiquities wing
of the museum away from me,

she gave more money
to the pediatric ward than I did.

She's a terrible woman.

She has been a thorn in my side for 20 years.

The woman smokes two packs a day
and nothing, not even a cough.

Nice.

I don't care what you have to do, Gregory.
I want my name on the butterfly pavilion.

Mother,

I'm just blue skying here, but...

have you ever considered
the concept of charity as just...

giving and not worrying about having
your... name on... something.

I'll see what I can do.

Don't blink you'll miss her she's a blur

pumpkin that's great.

Yeah hey where's Harry?
There's dust to be eaten here.

He's with the sitter, Larry.

He's with the sitter.

I drove.

-Where do you want this fridge?
-In the bedroom, it's gonna be our mini bar.

-We're gonna put snacks and drinks in it.
-I love those, can I have one? -12 bucks.

This must be a nice place.

You are healing so well.

Do you think it's eliminating cheese from
your diet? Or the new aromatherapy candles?

It might be the four-inch titanium pin in my hip.

You'll never know.

-Hey, you're doing really good.
-Yeah.

I got the booty shaking.

So, where are the Coopers?

They're doing a little shopping.

By the way, I had to cash a check for them,
I used our emergency money.

-What?
-The $500 you keep in the Eddie Money album.

That's a coincidence.

Larry keeps ours in the Johnny Cash album.

Or he did, till that garage sale.

Dharma, this is a from an English bank,
it's in pounds.

Yes, I gave them a pretty good exchange rate,
about two and a half dollars to the pound.

Whoa, that doesn't sound right.

Wait, I'm thinking of converting
pounds to grams.

We don't have to worry about
cashing any more checks for the Coopers,

because I got them a room at the Fairmont.

Why honey, they love it here.

Yes, I don't blame them, I love it here. In fact,
I love it here so much, I'd like to live here.

I cant ask them to move,
it's their anniversary,

they're already unpacked they already fill out
the card with what they want for breakfast.

That's a nice time saver.

I owe you $8.

How about this, how about you and I will go
to the Fairmont, the Coopers can stay here,

they can eat our food, steal our things,
however they want to celebrate their anniversary.

I don't want to go to the Fairmont.

This is ridiculous,
I haven't slept for two nights.

Do you eat a lot of dairy, Greg?

Listen to her on this,
give up the dairy you'll both sleep better.

I'm not going to abandon the Coopers,
they are my guests.

All right, I have to go deal with my mother.

And after that if you want me,
I'll be at the Fairmont.

Good idea Greg,
keep an eye on the competition.

Teensy, are you sure you wouldn't like
another Biscotti?

I can't.

I wish I had your courage, Kitty,
to be able to gobble them down,

and not care.

She landed that one.

All right, I think I've got this, mother
will get the butterfly pavilion in return

she will give up the
fountain at the opera house

and the chairmanship of the inner city book drive.

-Oh, I don't know...
-Hang on, hang on.

Mrs Manhart is also giving up her seat on the San
Francisco council of church's immigrants aid society.

Well, I think I can live with that.

All right, it's settled.

An anxious nation breathes a sigh of relief.

Not so fast, I know that sound.

-What is it mother?
-I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I cannot give up
the fountain at the opera.

It was my idea that the water came out
like Pagliacci's tears.

I'm giving up the immigrants aid society.

How can you compare
a beautiful work of art to a...

a huddled mass of penniless foreigners.

I hope that didn't sound callous.

Not at all mother.

I've got a bottle of 25 year old scotch
and a pair of antique dueling pistols.

You want to get drunk
and sh**t at each other?

Absolutely.

I think I've lived long enough.

Frankly, I don't see why we don't just
kick in another two or three hundred dollars

and put both their names
on the damn butterflies.

They have no idea how much you've spent
on these things, do they?

What is your point, Gregory?

My point is that I sleep on an air mattress,

because my wife has turned
our apartment into a bed-and-breakfast.

And I've sat here for the last two hours
trying to decide whether a

a wing and a fraternity ward is equivalent to
a home for unwed mothers. Here's the deal...

either you two work it out
or I go in there and I total it up for them.

This sounds fair to me.

-Hi!
-Hi!

Sorry, I got all been out of shape before.

It's OK, how are you folks?

Let's just say I'm looking forward to
a nice evening of karaoke with the Coopers.

The Coopers are gone, Greg.

I went to the store
to buy bangers and mash for them.

I figured.

It was supposed to be a surprise and when I
got home they were gone, not a note, nothing.

All they did was this comment card I made
two fairs are good and we need a new chef.

Gritty? There's gritty again.

You're right Greg,
every person in the world sucks.

No I don't recall saying that.

You said that the Coopers were going
to take advantage of us and they did.

-Did their check bounce?
-No.

-Did they take something?
-Can't you get it, Greg,
they didn't even say goodbye.

I thought they were our friends.

I thought day we'd go visit them in
"what you might call it shire".

I don't even know where they live.

Unless it's actually called
"what you might call it shire".

But Dharma they weren't our friends,

they behaved reasonably for people
staying in a Bed and Breakfast.

Come on Greg, this is not a Bed and breakfast,
it's our home.

My mistake.

-Where are you going?
-Take the mints off the pillows.

-Does it feel good to get outside?
-I suppose.

Do you want to go down to the park you like
and do some cheers for the chess players?

No.

How about we pop a wheelie?

Whatever.
Do you want to walk a little bit?

Why?

You're doing so well and you haven't
gotten out of the chair in a couple of days.

No you were right I was overdoing it.

She's really good.

Hey what are you doing?

What's the point?

You always say
she's just gonna use it to buy booze.

I don't really say that about violinists.

Hi honey. Come on in, just put
your backpacks down and we'll come in.

Honey, this is Carl Hines and and Val Trout

they'll be with us for a couple of days.

I was just, you know,
walking by the youth hostel

it was completely booked up, they were sitting out
there, going through their guidebooks and I thought...

-Honey, I know what you're doing.
-I know it's not very subtle.

I'll get them all settled in.

I'm gonna put them on the air mattress.

Bless you.

Just uh...

donka your shanes anywhere for now.

OK, remember the deal,
you you stay for three days

you eat what's in front of you

and when you go you make sure you
invite her to your home in Deutschland.

Give me the book.

Thank You for watching.