05x08 - Home is Where the Art Is

[bunniefuu]

and this is five five

ducks whoa what are you doing flash

cards i'm teaching him numbers

yeah then after that i'm gonna teach him

to deal poker from the bottom of the

deck

abby look what you're doing here you're

locking them into the concept that this

is two

and this is three you're putting his

little mind in a straight jacket

larry counting is a natural human

activity

i'm counting to ten right now next thing

you'll be singing them the abcs like

letters have to come in some official

order like g is better than h because it

comes first

wait yeah g and you guys look look at

this that

this nut is taking a bath in the

fountain in front of city hall look he's

got a shower cap and a loofah

wow terry's back in town

you know this guy yeah he's a

performance artist

we used to do pieces together all the

time well this is an art this is hygiene

oh no this is his art like last year in

berlin he lined up 500 pairs of shoes in

front of the brandenburg gate

and tried them all on the piece was

called

do these come in a nine i'm sorry i

called him a nut

[Music]

[Applause]

wow thank you thank you for bailing me

out you know being in jail is just

it's just changed how i look at

everything he was in jail for three

hours yeah

yeah and it was hell jail is like like

some kind of

cage oh remember in minneapolis when you

built that giant cage you ran on the big

hamster wheel

yeah yeah you should do that again no no

no dartmouth i'm trying to focus on my

new series right now right now i'm

trying to focus on

private acts in public places you were

always the last kid picked for dodgeball

weren't you

it's okay dharma he just doesn't get it

look look at those mirrors see i'm gonna

shave

nick myself and then put a little piece

of toilet paper on it

why no honey don't ask for no no no in

this piece i want people to ask why

oh look at that good for you honey

oh look shrunken apple had dolls

it's like i want them to ask why is this

man shaving in public does he have no

home does he know where he is does his

beard grow at some superhuman

speed wow you know terry

your work has really evolved

i know it's amazing isn't it

listen next week i'm gonna do this piece

where i live in an art gallery for seven

days

on display 24 hours a day why

very good do it with me live at the art

gallery with you

yeah yeah two people living in a cramped

space irritated fighting picking at each

other getting on each other's nerves oh

wow that sounds like so much fun doesn't

it

look at this wouldn't this look great in

my parents lake house it's grotesque

i love it i'll be right back

yeah you sure you're okay with this

sure you know it looks great you've got

your bunk beds and your table

and your big window to the street and

the people out there

gawking at you it really

opens the space up wow we have gawkers

already

oh it's exciting can you feel it hey you

ready yeah totally

just unpacking and getting settled and

greg's trying to talk me out of it in a

really sweet kind of lame passive

aggressive way

oh well did anyone hear it oh i don't

think so what do you think you can get

him to do it again

oh i don't think he's anywhere near

through i'm sorry can you just

help me try to understand why

you're doing this you mean besides the

chance to participate in something

amazing yeah besides that

honey after the car accident i started

thinking about my life and how much i've

changed and now i stopped doing this

stuff that's me

and this is you well it used to be i

mean how long has it been since i've

gone trick-or-treating in april or

or or tried to get a job as a translator

the international house of pancakes

i guess too long i know when i miss it

okay well then you should live in an art

gallery unless the uh

pancake gig comes through i can say

boysenberry in 26 languages try me no i

i

i believe you listen i i gotta gotta get

to work i love you

come on what kind of kiss is that oh

come on

come on i'm okay

i'm sorry i i just can't have a good art

so he's really okay with this huh well

he's trying but watch he's gonna think

of something else to say to me about it

turn around

and then change his mind

wow that was really good i know i can do

it all day long there's no money in it

hi guys sorry i'm late let me just uh

change my clothes and we'll go for a

walk

i already had one they got away from me

a couple of times

these are them right hey what are you

doing here

oh don't ask you want a beer i guess

well where's abby well i don't know

where she is now

but she was on my back all day

oh sorry looks like i got the last one

split it uh no thanks uh

did you and abby have a fight she threw

me out

i gave the baby two bites of my beef

burrito

suddenly i'm satan

meanwhile she's indoctrinating the kid

in the world of numbers

the linchpin of consumer-driven material

excess

so she's upset that you gave him meat

you're not hearing my side of this at

all are you

larry

you do know dharma's staying at the art

gallery i know

that's why i figured it'd be cool to

crash here until hurricane abbey blows

out the sea

anyway i don't want to impose i'll just

sleep on dharma's side of the bed you

won't even know i'm here

larry you're sleeping on the couch

i wish but this is really happening

[Laughter]

how's it going great we had this huge

crowd for lunch and i clipped my

toenails

always a lunchtime favorite um

we have a little problem um your parents

had a fight and your dad

spent the night at our place and uh he

doesn't wear pajamas

and he sat everywhere

honey you know what he probably came

over cause he needs a shoulder to cry on

did you try comforting him

yeah well he did uh spoon me for a

moment until i woke up and tried to peel

my own skin off does that count

i slept in the bed with you

yeah who claims that he uh got up from

the couch to go to the bathroom and got

disoriented on his way back

jeremy can you give me a hand with this

sure amazing face isn't it

uh-huh

maybe you could take a little break and

go and deal with larry

oh honey i can't just leave it'll

violate the integrity of the peace

oh what am i supposed to do honey you

know what abby and larry get in these

fights all the time and it always blows

over

and in the meantime just lay down some

towels

but they're brand new towels they're

egyptian cotton he's new he wasn't here

yesterday

i'm not part of this i'm not comfortable

when they talk to you

i think he represents the repressed dark

side of the human psyche

i do whoa

larry in here greg

sorry man no no no my fault i should

have knocked when you said in here greg

you should have seen your face

you were so surprised yeah well i guess

i just didn't expect to see my in-laws

having sex on my butcher block

well larry told me how picky you are

about the bed greg and we wanted to

respect that

thank you abby i just um just glad that

you made up

oh no we haven't made up she's still

just as mad at me

maybe more but uh larry and i keep our

physical and emotional relationships

separate

we're not about to punish our bodies for

a fight our minds are having

three animals greg and we need sexual

release i mean i can do it by myself

okay well i know you probably want to

make yourself some dinner so we'll go

finish in the bedroom

i thought we were finished was i

speaking to you

amazing piece isn't it you see that

angry guy

that's a husband this is going to be

great

why can't anybody in your family keep

their clothes on it's not that hard i'm

sorry what

i saw your parents having sex oh did

they make up or were they

just servicing their bodies either way

the point is i now have no place to chop

vegetables dharma

please come home this is absurd excuse

me

can you make it clear that you're

talking about a marital issue because

when you say this is absurd

it sounds like you're talking about the

peace and i think the guy in the tweed

is the art critic from the chronicle

i'm sorry if i was unclear this piece

is absurd yes it is because life is

absurd and art reflects life

right you said you were going to be

supportive of me doing the things that i

love

i am but larry is driving me crazy yeah

but honey you know i want to do this and

i don't want to stop just because you're

uncomfortable looking at my father's

tushy

first of all i am not looking at it and

secondly please come home and deal with

this it's very important

since when do you get to be the one who

decides what's important i don't know

since you decided to run off and live in

an art gallery

look you knew who i was when you married

me okay you didn't but now you do

okay all right so that's the way it's

gonna be you get to do whatever you want

i have no say and abby and larry have

sex on our butcher blocks well at least

my parents have sex i leave my parents

out of this

maybe you wouldn't be so tight if kitty

and edward montgomery had used the

butcher block from time to time okay all

right all right

all right if that's what you have to do

is stay here then i maybe i have to go

and figure out what i have to do what's

that supposed to mean

it's art it's open to interpretation

come on greg you can talk to me i'm not

just your father-in-law i'm your friend

listen i just think that

hang on

that should do it all i want to say is i

know you're upset with dahmer but i

gotta tell you

you've really been short-tempered lately

is there anything going on at work or at

home

well you're living here exactly

that's gotta be stressful that's the

kind of thing that would make you snap

at dharma

so you agree that you're living

here might exacerbate the problems i'm

having with dharma

sure you'd have to be some kind of a

superman not to have that affect you

so you're saying that if you moved out

it might make it easier for me to handle

this

it stands to reason and don't be too big

a man to say to dahmer

hey i blew a fuse i got this guy living

with me he's driving me crazy

he set fire in my sofa he broke my

garbage disposal

what you know you're right

don't bargain down in specifics just say

honey

maybe i overreacted because i'm under

stress but i love you

larry blair up hang on

i'm going to bed right behind you

[Laughter]

dharma you asleep no i'm just watching

them to that guy's car over there

nice listen when that review comes out

tomorrow if it's a good one and

how could it not be this piece could be

extended maybe for a month

terry i don't know if i can do a month

because of him prefer when you call greg

that guy because he calls you him and it

gets confusing

what do you want to do well obviously

this i mean today when i woke up

i had a string of spit hanging from my

mouth and that's when that school group

is here and those kids are now going to

grow up to appreciate art

that's beautiful terry don't you think

in a relationship you have to make

compromises

absolutely so you should tell that guy

as being unreasonable that's talking

about me

jerry i think i have to go home no no no

no dharma

karma you can't leave it's gonna ruin

everything all right look here's the

thing terry

i don't know if my marriage is at risk

here but i don't really want to find out

but if you compromise the essence of who

you are dharma who is it that greg gets

not the dharma he fell in love with yeah

but if i do stay true to myself and i am

the woman he fell in love with and how

do we stay together

okay okay we totally have to stop

talking now and start again later when

the gallery opens because this is

brilliant

this is my life we're talking about this

is my marriage

hey hey look at this dharma's little art

thing is reviewed in the paper

not really two people living in an art

gallery is nothing more

and nothing less well that should have

them popping the champagne

actually the fella seems to like it oh

look at this they mention us they do

then the argument got more heated the

woman suggested her husband wouldn't be

so uptight if

quote edward and kitty montgomery had

didn't get him monk i'm gonna head what

oh that was it

oh you're an aquarius aren't you it

travels in your future

i can't see the paper all right all

right all right

you changed your hair it's lovely

well i have never been so humiliated in

my entire life no no

what about the time at the governor's

mansion when you tuck the back of your

dress into your pantyhose

or the o'shaughnessy cocktail party when

you sneezed and

white russian came out of your nose

or the word you have made your point

and i had a good time doing it

i'm home please cover your bathing suit

areas hey

look who i ran into at the discount meat

warehouse

i thought you said you were gonna go

take a deposition that's just what you

say like you know i'm gonna go see a man

about a horse

anyway we pooled our money we got the

butcher's bonanza

you get six different cuts of steak

three different roasts and assorted pork

products

larry did you talk to abby today

no why what's going on i'm gonna go hang

this up

careful when you open the closet the

paint's still wet

thank you larry

looky looky looky back bacon

oh my dad what's up your mother wants

you out of the will

oh no they printed the butcher block

thing let the record show i gave you

hell about it

son if you don't mind i'm gonna cool my

heels here for a while to your mother's

tranquilizers kick in

sure is that steaks i smell it's either

that or the

sofa hey ed what can we get you have you

got a new york strip in there oh

excellent choice look at the marbling on

that this came from one lazy cow

you know kitty's been talking to my

doctor the closest thing i get to a

steak these days is some kind of

salisbury

turkey petty i'd k*ll for that the

closest thing i get to steak is

lima beans yeah i'm sure that mother's

just concerned about your health

oh you know they say it's about your

health but it's all about control that's

why i left jane

jane threw you out and changed the locks

to control me

to tell you what to eat what to do what

to wear you think a grown man would be

able to dress himself

tell me about it you line up the buttons

wrong just one time

and they make you stand there while they

do it for you is it possible they're

just trying to keep you from looking

ridiculous the point is son is that if

you're doing something they don't

understand it they don't like it they

squash it like a bug

yeah like how abby wouldn't let me raise

ostriches

larry it's a pretty risky investment

they're they're large they're

hard to care for wow put on a peasant

dress and some patchouli

and you're abby yeah what you're gonna

make us turn off the game so we can look

at some fabric swatches

you know what i gotta go son the boys

are just teasing you about your womanly

attitude

i know that this is something i gotta do

you gonna raise those ostriches for meat

no i was gonna train monkeys to ride

them i saw it in a cartoon

nice hello greg

um jerry can you give us a minute can i

give you a minute

what greg do i own time

first time i ask with words bathroom

break

listen i've had a chance to think about

this and i don't understand what you're

doing and i wish you weren't doing it

and it is an inconvenience for me but

the bigger thing is

i miss you very much and

more than anything i don't want to turn

into our mothers

wow that started off really sweet and

then it got kind of weird at the end

yeah

the thing is i shouldn't stop you from

doing things just because i don't

understand them i should

accept that they're important to you

whatever they are whether it's living in

a gallery or

or raising ostriches or or raising

ostriches in an art gallery

the point is you have to do this

and i have to deal with it and then

they'll be the next thing you'll have to

do and i'll deal with that too

yeah and then you'll do things that i

don't understand and i'll have to deal

with them

no i won't no you won't

oh yeah check this out

[Applause]

i guess i can deal with larry uh till

saturday

yeah um actually honey the piece is

extended for a month

okay i'll be back tonight with a pair of

pajamas some clean clothes and uh

drapes hey honey honey

bring your electric nose hair clippers

they'll love that

morning morning i'll make coffee

okay morning morning do you mind if i uh

get in the shower first i have to be at

the office by nine sure

i don't get it it's

art edward montgomery now come along

home we're going to have sex as we do on

a regular basis