05x11 - A Fish Tale

[bunniefuu]

so you guys got big plans for harry's

birthday yeah we're thinking a

mud pit birth reenactment and a baby

drumming circle

so the usual stuff hey you know it's fun

i mean it's kind of corny but but my

parents would always get this clown

oh greg a clown is a cruel exaggeration

of unfortunate deformities and the pain

of his condition is masked by that

grotesque

painted smile well no don't get that one

so when's the party

saturday it's a week from saturday well

that's still technically a saturday

oh no greg's not gonna be able to make

it he and his father oh

my eye but something in my eye a dharma

can you believe he's won already he must

be doing something right

because he doesn't look it

i don't think we should tell them about

my fishing trip what's wrong with your

eye

i poked it when i said my eye on my eye

i think we should just tell abby that

dad and i are going on a a business trip

why because we're going deep sea fishing

that's k*lling fish and isn't abby gonna

have a problem with that

no indians fish bears fish

i'm sure she'll be fine with this yeah

but why take the chance let's just make

something up honey i have never lied to

my parents and i don't want to start now

is everything okay yes abby

the reason greg can't go week from

saturday is because he and his father

are going deep-sea fishing

fishing

pulling defenseless beautiful sea

creatures out of their homes

with hooks and and the flopping

of terrified fish eyes asking

why why

oh larry

did you want to mention the indians

hmm

hey whoa a carton of smokes aqua net

hairspray and intimate's coffee cake

either bobby finkelstein is coming are

you falling off a whole bunch of

different wagons here

your grandmother is coming in for

harry's birthday she surprised us with

this news last night

abby where's the quilted toilet paper

you know my needs quilted toilet paper

i'm sorry larry i'll pick some up i keep

forgetting your mother is such a

delicate woman

and you get the wrong denture cleaner

she needs the one for smokers

okay i'll pick some up when i go out to

get the uh

bulk laxative not chalky tasting my

choice

abby you're stressing

all right well this probably isn't the

best time to bring this up but

um what i really need to talk to you

about greg

oh yeah i'm sorry honey i'm sorry i was

so upset

that's okay it's just what he's doing is

such a horrible

thing you know i was up all last night

derma thinking about those beautiful

fists

i know but abby you know that greg is a

good guy

he's just a little different from us you

know these are the customs of his

tribe right you know he goes fishing he

plays a paintball warrior game he blows

you a country wait wait wait wait wait

wait

it's the paintball warrior game not a

lot a little and he's not good at it i

think he's a field manic actually

dharma he celebrates v*olence as a game

oh listen you know honey

i have never said anything about the

things greg does his

job the leather shoes that he wears but

you know

look what he's doing to you honey he's

just lured you into a world of

credit cards and lamb chops you know i i

saw him the other day

hold a door open for you i mean is this

really the man that you want to have

your children with

i'm sorry but you want me to leave my

husband because he goes

fishing i can live with the other things

dharma but now he has blood on his hands

it's fish blood what you decide to do

is of course your own business but uh

he's not welcome in my house

indians fish

edward should i have celia pack your

glasses in your sports watch or should

we just throw them in the ocean and save

you the trouble

i'll miss you dear hey dad

i think i'm going to go with the

downrigger and the 40-pound lead core

yeah you go with the 40-pound core i'll

go with a hundred-proof scotch

now you make sure he packs that

carefully i do not want him drinking

beer

here they are hello hey hi mister

montgomery you have a telephone call oh

thank you celia

oh edward i almost forgot i bought you a

fishing vest i want you to try it on

it's from neiman marcus do not get it

wet

so how'd it go with abby pretty good

grandma's coming to visit you're banned

from the house and i'm supposed to think

about leaving you but that part's up to

me

i'm just going fishing for crying out

loud it is possible that abby's a little

on edge because of bubby

well there yeah you know what i think

might help a little and just kind of

smooth everything over what

don't go fishing look

dad and i love this trip we haven't been

in a couple of years and it's the only

thing that we do together just him and

me

well okay you want to spend time with

your dad on a boat that's fine you don't

have to fish

you can pretend to be pirates or tom and

hawk on the big money

or go whale watching people enjoy whale

watching

dharma i'm sure that abby will get over

this besides if this turns into some

kind of whale watching trip my mother's

gonna want to go what

just making a point dad well don't do it

again you gave me the heebie-jeebies

hey larry got a minute sure pumpkin i'm

just puttering

you reach in that toolbox and pass me

the garlic salt

so what's going on well you know greg's

leaving on this fishing trip tomorrow

yeah i know that's got to be a lot of

fun

hell yeah except abby's kind of having a

problem with it she sure is

i don't know what to do larry she's

serious about this

she's painting him out of the mural in

the bathroom

i know but she hasn't sanded him off the

family totem pole

think she'll ever get over this sure she

will abby is very reasonable

you know she used to have big problems

with my mother but now

bobby gets to visit she gets to stay up

to three days

and she can even have brisket

as long as it's never in the house

oh crap the alarm didn't go off i shut

it off

i don't want you to go fishing

how did you do this without waking me up

you unroll the duct tape on the snores

that's my dad

[Music]

obviously this is not the first time

you've been duct taped to a bed

dharma i'm going fishing all right let

me just read you a little something

first

the grizzled fishermen return in their

dirty station wagon

the fish broken and bleeding strapped to

their fender

the young are without mothers to suckle

them

this is about deer honey you crossed out

deer and you rode fish

i couldn't find anything about fishing

it's basically the same thing

i gotta go i will call you tonight

you are not going you're not

going is it is that an anchovy are you

throwing anchovies at me

they're sardines

you do know that you're being ridiculous

of course i know i'm being ridiculous

but i cannot spend the rest of my life

not being able to have my husband and my

mother in the same room

come on craig it's just a stupid fishing

trip which for the record i did not want

to tell your mother about

yeah well yeah

okay look i'm

absolutely not supposed to tell you this

but the truth is

my father and i don't go deep sea

fishing

what do you mean you don't go deep sea

fishing we go

somewhere else where do you go

i can't tell you i made a promise to my

father and i can't break that promise

but i give you my word and you can

truthfully tell your mother that i'm not

fishing

you're just gonna have to trust me on

this

do you trust me of course i trust you

now tell me where you're going

i love you

if you're not back in seven years i'm

moving on with my life

how about some dessert huh little creme

brulee

or me soon maybe another steak

remember this is my treat oh no no no

i'm as full as a tick

i'll just get something to take home

so uh i guess greg pretty much tells you

everything that goes on in his life

right

okay listen dharma

if you found some panties in the car

those are mine

pete i just want to know where he went

this weekend and he didn't tell you

no listen dharma greg's my best friend i

i'm a little uncomfortable you bribing

information out of me

all right fine sorry separate checks

please

no you can do it i'm just saying i'm a

little uncomfortable with it

all right you didn't hear it from me

but every few years greg and his dad

yeah

they go deep sea fishing

no they don't pete it's just a cover for

what they really do

oh good i'm starting to feel bad about

ratting them out there

oh hang on there mr cheesecake about

that one in a hat box

yeah yeah

[Applause]

kitty oh hi celia

mr dharma what are you doing here i just

really need to talk to kitty is she here

nope i don't see her and you don't see

me bye-bye

and last year sally and i had the pool

redone

all new tile hi miguel i haven't seen

you in a while come on

gracias these are our friends the

goosebumps hello

hi this is our neighbor dharma she's

looking for her dog but it is not here

we'll keep our eyes open for her

bye-bye

miguel why don't you show our guests

your cigar collection in the den in the

den

the dark room with the with the wood ah

yeah

celia what's going on where's kitty hi

i cannot tell you see i need to find out

where greg really is and i'm hoping that

if i can talk to kitty i can figure it

out

mrs montgomery doesn't know anything and

she must never know

what do you mean this is how it works

the men say they're going fishing but

they're really going to las vegas for

girly shows

they're in vegas yes and mrs montgomery

uses that time to sneak off and get a

little

tuck this time

it's her bottom really

yes but mrs montgomery knew that they

were in vegas

looking at boom boom boom she might have

a problem

and no trip for them no trip for her

amiga and i wouldn't have a

poolside vacation

myanmar i forget since the remodel

where's the den upstairs or downstairs

do we have an understanding here

yes i promise to keep my dog in the yard

from now on

it was very nice to meet you celia and

miguel are such

great neighbors we were so happy when

they bought the house from the

montgomery to talk about snog

hey larry do me a favor sit in this

couch and see if any fuzz sticks to your

pants

your bobby hates that i already cleaned

the couch

larry i know sweetie it looks great

listen i need to ask you a question it

turns out greg didn't go fishing

oh well that's good news how do you

think abby would feel about him being in

vegas checking out topless shows

well this is a tricky one

she might see it as the exploitation of

women's bodies by men on the other hand

it could be women empowering themselves

by taking control of their sexuality

right so which way do you think she'd go

on it not a clue

but either way she's gonna feel very

strongly about it

thanks sir boy i can't believe they went

to vegas and they didn't invite

me i thought we were friends

i should say something about no no no

don't

do that um because

it's just edward edward and greg are

little

embarrassed about what they do there

strippers

i've seen strippers yeah but they're

not regular strippers

no edward has a um edward has a thing

what kind of thing

he likes them heavy what

yeah heady and slavic and

you know there's a little thing going on

here

whoa vegas has changed i'm done in the

kitchen larry if you'd like to check my

work

oh sweetie the place looks terrific

ma is gonna love it i'll take one quick

look

hey abby great news it turns out greg is

not fishing

oh no that's just a cover for kitty's

benefit

oh yeah what they really do is he and

edward go to las vegas

oh fakus why on earth do they go to las

vegas they go to see

a doctor for edward

specialist oh why can't they tell

kitty because

edward is a little self-conscious about

it

it's in a delicate area is it as cold

yes

i think that was my favorite show so far

it had everything

uh magicians topless women how funny was

it when that orangutan gave you the

finger on your

every time we go dad

[Music]

hello hi honey oh dharma hi

hey dharma you wouldn't believe the fish

we've been catching

from the ocean frank listen i know

you're in las vegas

oh uh uh look looked at a bar oh

son of a g*n uh honey how'd you

how did you find out doesn't matter now

listen abby changed harry's birthday

party till sunday night so you can make

it

so she's changed her mind about the

fishing well

you're not fishing unless you talk to

kitty but when you talk to abby you're

in vegas seeing a doctor for edward

who's getting his annual colonoscopy

which he doesn't want kitty to know

about

so he needs you there to lean on

emotionally not while they're doing it

i i mean when you talk to larry you're

in las vegas seeing girly shows but only

ones featuring large

slavic women

you might want to pick up some show

titles because all i could come up with

was the mosque cows

so we've uh changed our mind about the

lying thing

i'm just trying to cover your ass greg

and your dads

by the way don't stare at your moms

i try not to okay good i love you bye

bye hey look at this

they got a naked lady ventriloquist i

bet she does that just so you don't

watch her mouth

thank you mom you're welcome yeah

i can't tell you how delighted i am

you've reached some sort of a day taught

with greg

well kitty i was acting a little silly

and i didn't realize how much edward

needed this

uh fishing expedition

far so good i guess um where's your

grandmother

she sat back smoking and eating brisket

my mom asked she has a headache and she

went to lie down

hey ed listen it i just want you to know

i am totally cool

when you're not inviting me on your

fishing trip i mean personally

i don't go for the big ones oh you don't

know what you're missing they are

something to see

arching their back their tails up in the

air there was one there that almost

broke the pole

you're really into that oh there's

nothing like wrestling a really

big one i i worked up a sweat with a 300

pounder for an

hour and a half you wrestle them

it really gets the blood pumping

i'll tell you just thinking about it

makes me a little queasy oh yeah i used

to get sick too

first couple of times i actually threw

up all over the guy next to me really

you're telling me

edward how are you feeling ah

better and better i wanted to tell you

that i know about you and gregory in the

trip to las vegas

you do oh don't worry i've not told a

soul and i would never tell kitty

but i wanted you to know that i think

it's terrific and i think it's something

every man should do

i've been trying to get larry to do it

well he should i'm telling you it's four

days he'll never forget

four days well there's a lot to see down

there dad i think mother really needs

that drink

he's on the medication for the pain yeah

this is never gonna work relax

[Music]

hey ed sorry i gotta ask you another

question about your little trip

hey oh look uh more more presents oh

good

all right take a seat everybody or or

stand

if you'd feel more comfortable

what is that supposed to mean

i said nothing about the work you had

done in your

backyard

your backyard is lovely kitty what have

you had done to it oh she's always

having someone work on it

moving things around back there frankly

it's more trouble than it's worth i'd

just as soon cement the whole thing over

and play tennis on it

so this is it you want us to spend the

rest of our lives keeping all this up

that's the plan okay but again for the

record we had just told your mother yeah

yeah blah blah

have some cake

where have you been i took your mother

to the airport

her plan's not for two days she kept

saying

she wanted to get there early

you