05x14 - Near-Death of a Salesman

[bunniefuu]

hey honey hi dharma well it is about

time

you go and you play golf every sunday

while i sit here at home what is

happening to our marriage

i always play golf with my dad on

sundays all right i forget

but now you have to forgive me because

my father's gonna try to talk your

father into investing in some kind of

stupid business deal

i'm sorry i tried to talk him out of it

ed

today is your lucky day

is it so not

do you eat food ed no i don't

get to it finkelstein what are you

selling i'm not selling anything just

taste this chili it sells itself

mmm good not bad spicy

gonna call it uncle larry's vegetarian

chili

i talked him out of the uncle larry

shaped bottle

it's got a bit of a kick better hold on

to something it comes in waves

i i need some water oh no actually water

will just move it around what you need

is starch you know maybe a piece of

bread or a cr*cker oh yeah we have rice

cakes would a rice cake help

no no no i don't want a rice cake no

that's what people say and then they try

one

that are you okay now ed you're gonna be

in charge of marketing and production

and rounding up a lot of jars maybe he

should take an aspirin yeah i'll get one

by the way if you got any ideas about

the name i'm open call 9-1-1

call 911

well it's out there but you're the

business guy

excuse me do you know how mr montgomery

is doing oh he's fine

oh thank goodness they're just finishing

up some tests routine

are they thinking it may have been

something they ate

i don't think so larry vegetarian chili

never hurt anyone

well it wasn't technically vegetarian

what was in it i don't know meat oh

larry

just a little hamburger for flavor and

some sausage and the beans were larded

with bacon before they went in

oh my god i ate two bowls of that stuff

this is good huh

all right everybody he's fine he's fine

he's fine

hey ed how you feeling he's gonna be

fine he had a little event yes just a

just a little event an event like

lollapalooza an event-like heart att*ck

he had a heart att*ck very mild he's

going to be completely fine

it's really the best thing that could

have happened to him oh yes it's a

chance for him to slow down a little bit

eat a little better get a little

exercise

cut back on the scotch nobody said

anything about scotch let me see that

chart

the doctor says he can get back to his

normal routine in two to three weeks

my normal routine includes scotch you

know what kitty this is the time of his

life when he should get rid of his

normal routine and begin nurturing his

spiritual side and start celebrating

life

no it is not kitty he's become a wizened

elder of the tribe

in some cultures he'd be climbing a

mountaintop and eating hallucinogenic

plants and discussing his vision of the

next life

but i can't have scotch

okay kitty how does this sound as soon

as he's back on his feet i'll drive him

down to sedona to a holistic retreat for

a month of reflexology herbal baths and

walks in the woods

no okay how about this i sign him up for

daily spiritual meditation walks

right here in town with a group of

buddhist priests that i know no

weekly walks with episcopal priests no

can i take him for a walk we'll see

i knew she cave yeah you wore it down i

see what you can do about the scotch

hey janet oh hello

how is mr montgomery mr montgomery he's

doing much better he's gonna spend one

more week at home

did he get our card yes he enjoyed that

very much he said to tell you that he

was indeed going to

hang in there baby i signed it love

janet he wasn't uncomfortable with that

was he no i don't think so oh

thank goodness i would hate for mrs

montgomery to

wonder she doesn't

wonder oh good

anyway uh it was not too much trouble i

was uh hoping that i could pick up any

papers he needs to sign

phone messages his mail i already took

care of that

now i'm going to give you two pens he

signs with the fountain pen but when

he's reading he likes clicking the ball

point

hi hi i'm howard lundqvist we met at the

christmas party yes i remember

sure you do how's your dad coming along

he's doing much better things good so

he'll be able to show you the ropes

around here then

uh i i'm just uh picking up some things

i see

that's what i'm doing you know i've been

a senior vp in the legal department for

15 years

kind of thing that could someday lead to

that big office in there

unless the prodigal son returns

and i guess that's where we are today no

i i i'm not returning i have my own

legal practice and i'm very happy there

uh-huh oh just so you know i pay alimony

to two ex-wives and i've got a prostate

the size of a desk phone

oh excuse me we're looking for some

running shoes

we're looking for walking shoes

everything i got is on the wall

kind of a way is that to sell shoes well

at least he's not pushy

you know my company owns this chain

really and i've never been in one

look at that three customers over there

there's nobody helping them inventory

all over the floor needs to be reshelled

look at this yes you're right it's a

mess

when you go home you should write

yourself a cranky letter

come on let's get you some fresh air

excuse me is anyone helping you

a guy told me everything was on the wall

sit down

sit down here you need a tennis shoe

right um

a fancy tennis shoe something for

running uh

ed what are we doing here i'm measuring

this man's feet and i'm going to get him

a pair of shoes

ed you're supposed to be relaxing you're

working

oh yes you're right i shouldn't be doing

this

uh okay people listen up

i'm the man that signs your paychecks

i'm on two salesmen on the floor

everybody else a staff meeting in the

stock room this shouldn't take very long

okay you don't know denny's do you cause

that's where i was gonna take you for

lunch

hi sorry i'm late marlene oh you weren't

here i've been sending calls into your

office all morning

did the barrington affidavit arrive

is pete here yes some of us have been

here since

11.

those are my saltwater taffies i didn't

see your name on

said i them see it

and that's a summary of the nude beach

laws in california

pete ah one second counselor okay so uh

after lunch

uh we'll discuss uh suing people and you

know how all that goes

oh uh and denise why don't you get a

table for four over at mccaffrey's and

uh

order the professor whiskey sour

you're teaching law no no no i'm

teaching introduction to pre-law for the

single woman

how noble well the law has been very

good to me

it's about time i gave a little

something back

marlene some coffee sheriff you're going

and you'll be spotty

ah a little tight uh bring my ten and a

half

oh wow did you see the hole in this side

make a sale oh i

just wanted to let you know the shoes

that you're getting also come in black

so you can get away with them at work

i don't know what is my last pair in

your size all right

you won't regret it waterproof spray

i don't think so oh i see so you're

gonna come back in a month and spend

another 400

on shoes fine what else do i need

shoelaces

insoles and uh i'll throw in the tube

socks

bring them up bon and uh thank you for

choosing coach's corner

ed you are smoking i like doing this

i can see that your cheeks are all pink

that throbby vein is gone from your

forehead

you know when i started working i

started in sales

i forgot how much i love it it's

business in its purest form

ah now i just sit in an office and stare

at papers and

merge this acquire that so

work here what look i had big plans you

know

get you out for a walk go get a mud bath

maybe surprise you with a high colonic

but nothing can make you as centered and

relaxed as this

oh come on i i just can't start selling

shoes

you own the company you can do whatever

you want i don't know

don't you think you have a right to be

happy it's

never really come up before come on try

it out you get to wear a whistle

all right i'll think about it in the

meantime can you take that outside

there's no food or beverage i'll have in

the store

a big

oh i'm sorry mister i

didn't see you

i was just uh dropping off these papers

and i

used to sit in this chair when i was a

kid yes and your father would have a

coffee and you would have a cocoa

how do you know that you weren't here

then it's in the file

would you like a cocoa no thanks how

about a soft drink water

sparkling flat you don't happen to have

any saltwater taffy

the best come from atlantic city i could

have them flown in by tomorrow

let me get back to you with some flavor

choices i was

just okay

so you're all settled in huh

i'm not staying oh right right you're

just picking up your father's paperwork

bringing it back actually and uh this is

just a small thing but i couldn't help

notice on this letter of intent on the

konesco acquisition you don't seem to be

allocating a sufficient window for due

diligence

okay so that's the deal i make

one little mistake and i'm out of here

so long loyal worker hello fruit of my

loins

i'm just saying you might have missed

this yes sir won't happen again sir

oh you're here no he's not here he's

just dropping off paperwork

what are you doing here your dad just

wanted some old book about how to sell

stuff

see you later hey what's going on

well if you ask me i'll tell you because

that is the kind of relationship we have

based on honesty

so before you technically and officially

ask me let me just tell you in all

honesty you don't want to know

where is he donna he's selling sneakers

at the mall

do you remember the old days when i

would have said what or or

no come on where is he really we've

grown

yes mr montgomery your mother's online

one

hello mother what's new

mrs biedermeier saw him at the mall

selling shoes

well was she sure that it was dead he

waved at her

i'll give you some privacy don't move no

no mother i don't think that you need to

go down there

i'm sure that dad will come to his

senses eventually yes i suppose your

presence might help speed that along

my mother's headed for the mall me too

wanna come remember the old days when i

would have said

sure

there you go if you find these cheaper

someplace else you're spending too much

time shopping and not enough running

hey ed no business like shoe business

huh hey that's a good one

so where did you tell kitty you were

gonna be today i told her i was gonna be

playing cards at the country club don't

you think she would have understood if

you had said hey i am a man who just had

a heart att*ck and i need to find a way

to relax and i found something and it's

a little unusual but damn it it works

for me

why i think she bought the card thing

edward montgomery what on earth are you

doing here

kitty he is a man who's just had a heart

att*ck and

oh sh**t i just had it my husband is

selling shoes

yeah and the way he's going he is

looking at two passes to the great

america theme park in santa clara

i bet he'll take you kitkat heavily

peter maya

saw you in here measuring people's feet

beverly b*at hermione i waved at her i

couldn't think of her name

i told her she must be mistaken that it

was probably your semi-recovered

alcoholic brother billy

but that's not going to hold up forever

kitty there is nothing to be embarrassed

about

edward loves selling shoes he's relaxed

he's

happy look at him i am looking at him he

looks ridiculous oh then you really

won't like me in my summer uniform it's

a shorts and a t*nk top edward

montgomery it is time for you to come

home

ed you tell her that you love it here

that you're gonna stay

no dharma this has been fun but

and i really appreciate what you've been

doing but but this is not where this man

belongs

what about all the fun of making a sale

in business in his

purest form no no kitty's right

i am i have a lot of things i ought to

be doing

uh punch out for me will you born

he's just going this totally sucks

totally i'm looking for some running

shoes

everything i got is on the wall

hello thomas edward forgot his book oh

thank you

kitty about the shoe store i'm sorry i

just thought someone should be thinking

about edward's happiness

apology accepted it wasn't really an

apology

well let's just pretend it was and move

on

listen i still think edward needs to

find ways to relax and decompress and if

selling shoes is wrong for reasons i

don't

completely understand maybe he can find

something on this list i didn't put

anything on there where he needs to wear

a uniform or touch people's feet or sing

even though i don't really know where

you stand on that

i wouldn't like that that's what i

thought

so can i show this to him he's not here

he went to the office

kitty how could you make him go back to

that office i didn't

oh come on he dragged him out of that

shoe store by his ear because edward

montgomery should not be selling shoes

i have no objection to the man enjoying

his life

frankly i think it's time he retired

well you don't seem to be helping much

one could say the same thing of you what

you are the one who encouraged gregory

to search his soul to follow his bliss

to

defend the innocent did you ever stop to

think

that the only reason edward montgomery

is sitting in that office is because he

is waiting for his son to come in and

take over the reigns

no well think about it now

that's everything i had on the knesco

acquisition i also noticed something in

the uh prospectus for the energy

division tracking stock

i had the flow when i wrote that

there you go sir coco with miniature

marshmallows

thank you janet nothing for me thanks

anyway uh back to the uh tracking stock

howard have the underwriters signed off

on this third quarter financial

oh hey dad uh am i interrupting

no no i just i brought your papers back

and i noticed a couple of things minor

things

very minor things you'd have to be some

kind of superhuman freak to notice them

not that your son is a freak or a

freakish

if you'll excuse me i have a urologist

appointment

thanks uh my dad will fill you in on the

rest of this

i guess i uh should be getting out of

here you probably want your desk back

you look pretty good sitting there

uh janet uh tells me you worked out some

of the kinks in the canisco deal yeah

just a couple of simple things howard

would have caught them

yeah eventually uh it's not his fault

he's got some kind of a medical problem

he uh he he mentioned that um anyway

uh i'll see you later dad hey uh why

don't you stick around we could uh go

down to the commissary uh grab a lunch

i've got to get back to the office yeah

um maybe some other time man

you know they have a edward montgomery

sandwich really

only place i've ever seen it

what time will you be in in the morning

sir oh i i won't be in the morning janet

i'll make a note of that oh sir your

taffy arrived

[Music]

what are you doing out here

all right class now which of these

examples is not sexual harassment

miss jones could you bend over and see

what's in the bottom of that

i told him he could finish the semester

ah where's marlene

what's psychic electrolysis i'm hoping

those are two separate errands

listen i'm sorry about what happened

with your dad

no

you care about him and you want him to

relax and enjoy his life

sometimes i get it in my head that i can

fix these things but

i can't fix this one no you can't

i mean i thought your mom was pressuring

him to go to work but it turns out your

dad's

just well he has his own reasons for

being there i think he's waiting for me

dharma

he won't ask but he won't leave the

business until he knows i'm there

okay how is it that everybody in your

entire family knows everything about

everybody without ever talking

is it like dolphins is it a scent thing

is it telepathy what's the code

i'm gonna do it donna are you gonna work

for your dad just temporarily

you know to make him comfortable about

taking it easier

you are a wonderful son

it's not going to be easy leaving behind

everything you've created here

make yourself at home why don't you

yes you should sue me for that that was

exactly my point

i want to take the stairs somebody threw

up in the elevator

professor

sure you're not gonna miss it here oh

it'll be a sacrifice but he is my father

congratulations you are now a graduate

of the pete cavanaugh law school

[Laughter]

congratulations etc cetera

[Laughter]

i'm sorry nadine you've got to do a

little extra credit work

you almost done in here

yeah all done