05x20 - The Tooth Is Out There

[bunniefuu]

i cannot believe there is an entire

bookstore devoted to crackpot conspiracy

theories

it's larry's favorite look blair they've

got a whole bunch of new stuff on the

kennedy assassination

oh who cares it was probably just oswald

anyway

oh yeah the fire's really bumped around

oh yeah well he's always a little

depressed between

jobs remember that rough stretch we had

from 78 to 89.

oh look at this alien abductions

a 12-step recovery handbook this is a

joke

not to people in aaa

but darma this is not something you

believe in right well it's not really a

subjective thing greg it's science

dharma it is not science

look i can deal with aromatherapy and

astrology and i'm willing to take a

wait-and-see

position on reincarnation but come on i

mean ufos so those are for

people in pickup trucks on dirt roads

that you know

done seat it with their own two eyes

flying greg humans built the pyramids

find anything good larry no

hey mike you know if you ever need

anyone to help out here at the store

larry knows this place like the back of

bigfoot's hand i wish i could hire him

dharma

but i'm selling the store for all i know

next week this will be a jamba juice

this is all i need first the earth shoe

store closes and now this

larry the earth's shoe store closed 20

years ago yeah and now this

man why are you selling i'm spread tooth

in

i have the ufo support group my loch

ness newsletter

and i'm writing a musical based on my

favorite episode of star trek

larry this could be a great opportunity

for you what do i know about running a

jamba juice oh

you keep it as a bookstore hey honey do

you think your dad would put up the

money to buy this place

for the guy he just fired i could have

just said no

what about your brother larry he could

put up the money i don't want his money

it's blood money he's a dentist gum's

bleed dharma

gums bleed come on abby

um do you really believe that they're

little guys like this

flying around the planet like this no of

course not

they're in ships those are weather

balloons or or atmospheric phenomena or

pie

plates on strings if you have some

evidence you would like to show me i'd

be willing to have an open mind

unlike some people okay so just so that

i know what i'm up against

where do you stand on the easter bunny

well i see it with my own two eyes greg

but how do you explain them chocolate

[Music]

[Applause]

eggs

[Music]

hey uncle herb hey sweetheart so i hear

you have a tooth that's acting up

yeah came on me just like that out of

the blue by the way larry says hi censor

is

you know larry really does admire you so

i am no longer a member of the unholy

international

m*llitary dental conspiracy not really

sure

anyway he's doing something now that

you'd be very proud of

he's thinking of going into business

there's a bookstore for sale that he's

interested in

and you want me to be an investor oh no

you'd have to buy the whole thing

dharma honey your father and i barely

speak

let me tell you something here's a big

old check is a great icebreaker

i don't think so dharma come on it's a

conspiracy bookstore it's perfect for

larry this is a place where he could be

happy for the rest of his life

and i know you want him to be happy you

still send him dental floss for his

birthday

sweetheart come on besides losing a

whole bunch of money what's the worst

that could happen

dharma i don't think that he would even

take money from him well yeah that's

the other thing you probably have to beg

him a little

well i'll tell you what i will think

about it in the meantime

i found your problem i have a problem i

don't have a problem

you my dear have a fractured filling

judy could you set up for a two-surface

composite

and bring the lidocaine in a 21-gauge

needle

he's just kidding judy

[Music]

i don't know why you're bringing me back

down here i can't afford to buy this

place

you probably can i'm not really gonna

play hardball here

larry let's not worry about the money

just look around and decide if this is

something that you'd like to do

it's a very exciting line of work

hello hello what's he doing here

well i told him about the store and he

said he'd be willing to help you out

take a look around uncle who i don't

want his help no need to be hasty

let's see what the nice man with the

rolex has to say

it uh it's not a bad place you know i

mean it uh could use a little

fixing up you might want to move this

this bookcase out of the doorway here

remodeling is one of the privileges of

ownership

it's a great opportunity uncle

larry uh if this is something that you

want to do and

you think you can make a go of it i

would be glad to

lend you the money you see what he does

to me how can i work with that

okay dharma i tried no hang on uncle

herb yes hang on uncle herb

larry he really wants to help you out

here no he doesn't

he just wants to show he's the big man

just like he makes everybody call him

doctor when he's not one

i am a dentist let me ask you a question

in a theater when somebody yells is

there a doctor in the house

do you go running of course not well i

do because i

care about people and that will always

be the difference between us

all right why don't we focus on the

things that you have in common huh

it's like hey i never noticed it before

but you both have the same throbbing

vein in your forehead when you get angry

i cannot i cannot talk to this man he

thinks it is a crime to be successful

i worked for everything i have not

everything

okay here it is come on come on let's

talk about a hank greenberg baseball

card taken from me

in a crooked staring contest how can a

staring contest be crooked

you tell me

while y'all sort this out i'm writing

down a number that would make me very

happy

and several others that would be just

fine oh okay okay

this is ridiculous i win again

do you want the money or not okay okay

i'll take it but you have to promise not

to lord it over me

i wouldn't do that larry of course not

because you're the perfect brother

okay and now you say something nice to

larry

oh hello son i didn't know you were here

you want a drink oh no thanks

do you wanna get the weirdest thing i

was looking at this book uh

on ufos that dharma has and i realize

that i have the same book from high

school

but they've changed it same sightings

but now they're unexplained the

documentation is classified

they've deleted all of the rational

explanations

how is dharma she's fine but she

believes in ufos and this kind of stuff

is why

you know we had a couple of boys in

vietnam who said they saw a ufo or two

you think maybe they did dr*gs well

after seeing something like that who

could blame them

gregory hello dear what brings you by oh

probably nothing maybe something maybe

something big

well i wish you luck with that

what's that a rose oh this yes well it's

the most delightful thing

i had lunch with teensy at that little

french place and you know that charming

valet

the one who always remembers my name

yeah he left this

on the passenger seat well don't you

think that's uh

a little inappropriate it worked are you

jealous

no what would i do with a flower

you are jealous no it's not right you're

a man's wife

yes i am now i'm going up to my bedroom

why don't you slip into something a

little more comfortable and um

join me absolutely

uh just to save us both a little

embarrassment

this is about sex right

okay one used cash register 50 bucks

pete you are a lifesaver larry broke the

other one trying to find the bell

did you know that richard nixon enlisted

elvis as a consultant on the fake moon

landing and part of it was filmed at

graceland

yeah here we go okay uh let me tell you

a couple things about this it doesn't

have numbers per se so here's what you

got to do

say you got a book that's like six

dollars you want to hit quarter pounder

quarter pounder

that's not quite enough so you want to

go large fry and that'll bring you right

in the ballpark here

karma your belief in ufos

is not your fault i've done some

research and i think i've stumbled on an

organized conspiracy of individuals

suppressing the truth about ufos for

their own financial gain

yep we're all getting rich that's how we

can afford these fancy lies

you know i dated a girl that was

abducted by a ufo you did not all right

she wasn't a girl she was pushing 60 but

let me tell you my friend those aliens

they taught her a few tricks

yes this makes sense the superior race

travels millions of miles to teach our

women how to have sex

take a look at these things greg they're

not lookers

they better have some skills

look at this we live in a culture of

irrationality and conclusion jumping

yeah hang on honey where's our grand

opening at i took it down there myself

they said we were gonna be right between

the futons and clonic irrigation

excuse me fire inspection oh

okay uh yes hi i'm calling about an ad i

placed yesterday

let me ask you a question does this look

like a ufo to you

yeah i guess so yeah based on your own

observation or on a predisposition

caused by images you've seen in the

media

yeah i guess i see your point see it's

easy if i explain it to you

one-on-one but the trick is to explain

it to a brainwashed public at large

yeah i bet that's a trick all right

excuse me

that's strange they said mr finkelstein

called and canceled the ad that doesn't

make any sense we open tomorrow

no you don't what call us when you move

that bookcase out of the doorway and

we'll reinspect

no no it's always been there can you

believe this guy

why did larry cancel the ad maybe it

didn't maybe you were given false

information

it happens no the woman said she

personally spoke to a mr finkelstein

but she didn't say larry why would uncle

herb cancel the ad

so the store would fail but he put up

the money

yeah and why look at this place

honey larry always claims that uncle

herb always wants everyone to know that

he's the big success and that larry is

the failure

maybe there's something to that i mean

who's the one who noticed the bookcase

and all of a sudden the fire inspector

shows up

if the store never opens larry looks

like a loser and uncle herb comes out

scot-free just like the guys who faked

the moon landing

see this is the problem with you

believing in ufos it makes stuff like

this almost sound like it makes sense

i'm sorry i haven't seen more of you

little guy he's a beautiful boy larry i

know

and look at that head of hair don't get

too attached to it little fella

order the truth

i don't know how you did it dharma but

it sure is great to see herb and larry

getting along so well

yeah maybe i didn't do such a good thing

here

why is something wrong

i might have conspiracies on the brain

here but

i think uncle herb is trying to sabotage

the store tell me that's completely

crazy

i wish i could sweetie what well

herb's always been kind of jealous of

larry you know of his lifestyle and his

accomplishments and his analytical mind

and plus he never quite got over the

fact that i chose larry over him

i never knew that yeah yeah i dated her

first but we were at this party one

night and i saw your father across the

room

you know he was wearing one of those

fringe jackets and he was spinning

around and around

i thought he was dancing but he was just

trying to get his arm into his sleeve

he needed me and i've been there ever

since

herb was pretty upset well he didn't say

anything but when larry took me home he

tried to run us off the road twice

let's serve the carrot cake

i don't see anything wrong dharma oh

there's nothing there keep looking maybe

it's one of my mowers

the only problem i see in here a little

piece of walnut from your mom's carrot

cake

so how is it going with the bookstore

are you guys still opening tomorrow why

wouldn't we be

i don't know well we are it's gonna be a

huge success we got one of the guys from

the x-files coming to sign autographs

really yeah mitch palegi plays the fbi

boss

with him there to launch us there's our

stalking us

just have to make sure that nothing

happens to him when he's walking to the

store from the saint regis hotel at nine

o'clock in the morning

right okay i see what's going on what

nothing i'm just talking about a guy who

plays skinner on the x-files staying at

the saint regis hotel

i think biting down in that walnut might

have given you a little hairline cr*ck

in that molar oh it didn't

does this bother you

are you sure

i would tell you if it hurt you don't

have to do it again

well i did it i made a little trap for

uncle herb with a little piece of cheese

named mitch

palegi darwin you're drooling

yeah i had a root canal but it was so

worth it

what's that oh just some ufo info that

might uh open a few eyes down at larry's

store

do you want it to sh**t you never lie

fine except for the throbbing pain

karma therma look what you're doing

you know i know you care about your

father but you really have gone over the

edge here i think you need to stop

obsessing where you going

oh um san bruno ufo society

i'm gonna rub their noses in the trees

right in front of me he gave you the

damn flower right in front oh please he

was charming

oh my look at this oh well oh a little

a little poem uh amore that's that's

love right

let me see that

when i was a kid i parked cars one

summer at the country club

you fiddle around with the radio station

you move the seat around

maybe you take a little change but you

leave the man's wife alone

i will meet you upstairs the hell you

will

edward you're back damn right i'm back

you have to understand people you were

taken in

it's not your fault it's a vast

conspiracy

they had to sell the books spielberg had

the movie coming out

this is not fringe stuff aliens are a

billion dollar business in this country

and you

are the poor unwitting pawns of the

industry

any questions no i think you made

yourself pretty clear

thank you

takes all camps done it

yes hi is this marcel yeah hi i'm the

lady who called you about an hour ago

about mitch pelegie from the experts

[Music]

i am not a kook i just want to walk

behind and make sure he doesn't get

kidnapped by a dentist

ugh on hello hey larry listen i have bad

news i think something happened with

mitch pallegi and i can't

what

okay i'll be right there

oh my god oh

i came as soon as i heard oh if not

sooner

what larry i'm sorry you have to find

out this way but

uncle herb has been setting you up to

fail he canceled the ad he tipped off

the fire inspector he shanghaied our

celebrity

and when all else failed he took a match

to the place i b*rned the store down

you heard it take him away boys wait

wait

dharma herb didn't set the fire they

said that those old lights that you put

up started it

and i canceled the ad he did well you

said everybody will see it

everybody includes the cia the fbi the

student loan people

okay then who tipped off the fire

inspector

i think you did when you filed the

application for a business license

oh that was a good thing dharma honey

there could have been people in here

when you started the fire

okay all right fine but then what

happened to the guy from the x-files

i'm here where have you been i was

waiting outside the hotel for you

sorry i had to sneak out the back

concierge gave me a heads up on some

crazy fan that was stalking me

that would be me

oh my god larry i b*rned your bookstore

down

it's okay pumpkin it was an accident

we'll fix it up and we'll start again

i'm so sorry it's okay it's okay

she's a good kid but sometimes she gets

these crazy ideas in her head

i think she gets it from her mother kids

what are you gonna do my 12 year old

insists on dressing like britney spears

is brian 12 or mitzvah in august

mazel tov what happened

dharma healed a family

also it turns out i was the mastermind

behind a vast conspiracy to shut down my

father's bookstore

i don't think so dharma i think it's

bigger than that

and i don't think one man can fight it

are you the x-miles guy yes you are part

of something larger than you could ever

have imagined let's walk and talk my

[Laughter]

[Music]

family

excuse me manuel yes i'm edward

montgomery

silver mercedes pretty wife i wondered

when this moment would come look

i know what's going on took me a couple

of times to figure it out but

she put you up to doing this flower

thing

to make me jealous it is not some kind

of a put up it's okay she's a very

persuasive woman but i'm on to you now

you don't understand mr montgomery your

wife is a beautiful amazing

woman and i love her i love her with all

my heart

well whatever the deal is

could you dial it back a notch i could

probably handle one rose a week but two

is k*lling me