02x02 - Hello Stranger

[bunniefuu]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Are you still stalking Nora?

She has 150,000 followers.

Wait, what? She's Simply
Life Well Lived?

Oh, Jesus, you don't follow her, do you?

I find her non-threateningly
aspirational.

Not anymore though. She's a
gutter whore and dead to me.

You're a true friend.

Just don't spend all night
going down the rabbit hole.

That way madness lies.

I won't.

[SIGHS]

[JEN MUMBLES]

Oh, good, you're awake.

She said she went to Mykonos
for the first time last year

and found it charming.

But in this photo,
taken three years prior,

you can clearly see a Mykonos
magnet on her fridge.

I know what you're thinking.

Someone else brought her
a souvenir from Mykonos,

but I went through all of her friends'

and family and co-workers' profiles,

and none of them ever been to Mykonos.

Her friend Hailey from sixth-form
netball, they went for coffee

in GAIL's in Sevenoaks years
ago, but they're not close.

She went to Santorini
with her family in 2012.

And you want me to believe
that you would or even could

buy a Mykonos fridge
magnet at Santorini?

It doesn't make any economic sense!

[JEN PANTING]

Okay.

[CARRIE HUMMING]

[HUMMING, INHALES DEEPLY]

[SIGHS]

[NORA] Sometimes self-love is
telling yourself to work hard

and never stop.

If you love yourself, you're
happy to work on yourself

and be disciplined.

I love colour coordination.
It totally optimises organisation.

Flowers really can transform a space.

They do get expensive.

It's worth shopping around.

Sometimes you can get
your weekly flower budget

- down to 50 to 100 pounds.
- Sorry, can you just...

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Alfie's coming over today.

- I'm childproofing the flat.
- [SIGHS]

I'll try my best,

but I do not like being in
the presence of children.

And English children. Ugh.

[IMITATING CHILD] Mummy?
Daddy? May I have some apples?

It's disgusting.

Not yours, though. Obviously.

I've got so much bonding to catch up on.

I'm gonna bond with that child so hard.

[STAMMERS] What about our bonding?

With all the surprise family stuff,
we haven't really had time to do

- the whole, like, dating kind of thing.
- Oh, like what?

Like, you know, staying up all
night talking, having picnics,

going on spontaneous
weekend breaks to Paris,

fighting for the first time.

Sleeping together.

Although Carrie and Kash are out,

so we could check one of
those things off the list.

[PLASTIC RUSTLING, POPPING]

I don't think we got
time to go to Paris.

Nora's gonna be here any minute.

- Wait, Nora's coming? Here?
- Yeah.

Oh, wait. Should I not have done that?

No, no, it's good.

I should get to know her in person.

Her likes, dislikes,
weaknesses, intentions.

Well, you've already got
one thing in common.

- You.
- You're both bottom-heavy.

What?

We almost got an eviction notice
because he didn't realise

he had to start paying
his share of the rent.

I am not Kash's girlfriend anymore.

Of course, I'm not gonna
pay rent for the both of us.

It's like... Well, he doesn't know
how to do anything on his own.

- Like he is almost...
- Uh, I have a meeting.

Can I, um... [CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah. Of course, Clark. [CHUCKLES]

[GROANING]

Hmm. [SIGHS]

[GIGGLES]

Ooh. [SIGHS]

Uh, "Like he's almost, uh... "

Oh, 26. [CHUCKLES] Thank you.

So, I told him, I said,

"Kash, you need to start
being independent.

You need a job.

You can't keep relying on
me to do things for you."

And it's not healthy for us, you know?

We need to mutually disentangle.

To be honest, I just think
we just need a bit of space.

[LAUGHS] Ah, Carrie.

You'll be pleased to hear
that's your last tea run.

We've hired you a new assistant.

[GULPS]

Got a job.

To welcome Kash, let's go round
the room and do an icebreaker.

Name, power, fun fact.
You know the drill.

Richard. I can tell exactly when
someone's going to get their period.

And I've driven the Aston Martin
from Tomorrow Never Dies.

[EMPLOYEES MUTTERING, LAUGHING]

Hi, I'm Anita. I can k*ll someone
just by thinking about it.

- And I'm allergic to dry shampoo.
- [MURMURING]

My name is Peter.
I can change gender at will.

And I climbed Snowdon
with flip-flops on.

Carrie. Communion with the dead.

My fun fact is that I recently
broke up with my boyfriend.

And I specifically remember
having a conversation with him

that if we're gonna live together,

we need to respect each
other's boundaries.

Kash. Uh, rewind time.

Although, I'm sort of
jumping forward now,

and I can't really control it.

It's a whole thing.

Uh, fun fact, well,
I just got broken up with.

And I thought I was doing the
right thing by getting a job,

but apparently, I can't
do anything right.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [GROANS]

Also, I once saw Jason Momoa in a Pret.

[EMPLOYEES MUTTER, LAUGH]

[LAUGHS] Fantastic.

- Yeah.
- Love him. [CHUCKLES]

- [NORA] Hi. It's Nora and Alfie.
- Hi. Yeah.

Who's that for?

I'm gonna play catch with my boy.

[GIGGLES]

- Hello. [CHUCKLES]
- Hi.

Hey, Alfie! Catch!

[YELPS, GRUNTS]

Welcome to our home.

[ROCK PLAYS]

[NORA] You said the other day you
didn't remember anything about us,

so I thought I'd bring
some bits and pieces

to help fill in the blanks.

It's all here. Our wedding. Holidays.

Oh! Thailand. [CHUCKLES]
You loved Thailand.

Why am I friends with this bridge?

You helped design it, silly.
You're a structural engineer.

[SNORTS, COUGHS]

Hey, look. Daddy used to build things.

Daddy's not scary. Daddy
wouldn't throw gloves at you.

Wait. No. [GRUNTING]

- Come back please!
- [ALFIE] Please, Daddy, no!

- [JIZZLORD] Don't run from love.
- [ALFIE] Stay away from me!

So, what about you, Jen? What do you do?

- Eh, I-I work in a shop.
- Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

Couples go shopping
together, don't they?

Do you go shopping with your boyfriend?

I'm not currently seeing anyone.

- Where would I find the time?
- [CHUCKLES]

To be honest, I haven't since...

- And are you happy being alone, or...
- [GASPS]

- His graduation. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

We met first week of freshers.

'Course, he got better grades than me.

[SCOFFS] High two-one
is not bad. [CHUCKLES]

I-If that's what you, um...
Gosh. I wouldn't know.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [JIZZLORD] Don't run!

- Leave me alone!
- Please don't run.

Let me bond with you!

[CHUCKLES]

- Go.
- Wait, not too fast.

No, no, trust me. It's all in the legs.

- [CHUCKLES] You sure?
- Ooh! Whoo! [LAUGHING]

Oh, gosh! Whoo!

- [KASH GRUNTS] Aerodynamic.
- Kash?

- I think we should talk about...
- Yes, boss.

- I think we should talk...
- Go ahead, boss.

- I think we should talk about...
- Uh-huh.

Stop spinning!

Do you actually want this job,

- or are you just winding me up?
- No, I do. Really, you're right.

I need to learn how to
stand on my own two feet.

Like, give me something
to do. I'll do it.

Hmm.

Here's something simple.
I need five copies of this.

Yes, boss.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[ALFIE] Daddy said he
sleeps in the bath.

[NORA] Um, Daddy's just being funny.

- [ALFIE] Is Daddy homeless?
- [NORA] No, darling. No.

[SNORTS] Regular does me fine.

- That's my bag.
- Oh! Oh, God!

Is this your bag?
I have one just like it.

I-I thought it was mine... [STAMMERS]
... is why I was looking in it.

Jen, if you want to know
anything about me,

- you know you can just ask.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I have so many questions
about you. It's only natural.

Yeah, right. Yeah, like,
why are we so good together?

How'd he get someone so hot?

Why are you f*cking
my husband? [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS]

I'm joking.

- [CHUCKLES] I'm joking, Jen.
- [LAUGHS]

Obviously, I'm joking.

If I actually hated you,

I wouldn't say something
like that, would I?

Yeah. Look, I don't want you to
think I stole him or anything.

Okay, I did steal him
off the street, but...

[SIGHS]... if I knew he had an owner...

I mean, a wife, then
obviously I wouldn't have.

No, we would not have...

Of course. Of course.

I mean, life is a crazy adventure,

and we can't control
what fate brings us.

Yeah. God, I'm so glad we
got that out in the open.

Absolutely. I love this
transparency for us.

Do we still have cat food?
I think Alfie might like animals.

Yeah, it's in the middle shelf.

Um, because it helps me turn into a cat.

I know.

You'd think so, but the salmon
is surprisingly moreish.

- Mmm.
- [NORA CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- I suppose.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Hadn't thought about it
like that before. [LAUGHS]

Hello. Huh. What's happening?
Tell me what's happening.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Telepathy.

We used to have our own conversations

in our heads all the time.

Old habits, I guess.

I have to pop out for a meeting.

Can you watch Alfie for a few hours?

Wait. So you can talk to
each other without talking?

Mm-hmm.

It was like having our own
secret language, I guess.

Wasn't it, Rob?

Oh, no. That's just her face.

Hmm.

I think she likes you.

[SIGHS]

♪ I just wanna have fun tonight ♪

Uh, it came out big.

♪ I just wanna have fun tonight ♪

- How did it...
- It came out big.

Richard's just sent you a new case file.

- He needs them by lunch.
- But I... [SIGHS]

Oh, let me help. Uh, what can I do?

Uh. I've got it actually. Uh, thank you.

♪ Do-do-do, do, do ♪

Carrie! Come on. I wanna
show you something.

So, I realised that we had a
cupboard just for stationery,

which is an inefficient use of space.

So, I reorganised it
on my own initiative.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[WHIMPERS]

I discovered that if you throw
all the stationery together

in one big bag, it frees
up space for other stuff.

Like this orange.

[SIGHS]

Would you excuse me for one second?

- Mm-hmm.
- [WHIMPERING]

[OBJECTS RATTLING]

[CARRIE SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING]

Do you like it?

- [CAT YOWLS]
- [JEN] Ooh, ooh. Be gentle.

Hey, champ.

So, what's your mummy like?
What's Mummy's vibe?

Show me your power.

One, please. Two, I don't have a power.

- Why?
- I don't know. I just don't.

- Everyone else does.
- I'm very aware of that.

Has Mummy ever mentioned
wanting Daddy back?

- [CAT MEOWS]
- Don't pull your dad's tail.

- Are you broken?
- No.

Does God hate you?

Yes. Okay, God hates me.

Look, I'll give you a fiver
if you tell me about your mum.

[SNIFFS]

Mummy was talking about
you to her friend.

Was she? What did she say?
What did she say exactly?

Oh, my God.

I don't remember.

[SIGHS]

Kash is so useless.
I'm basically doing two jobs.

- I'm so tired. I-I can't do this.
- So, get him fired.

- Isn't that a bit mean?
- It's gonna happen eventually.

If anything, it's a mercy.

- How do you get someone fired?
- Oh, easy.

I've been fired loads of times.

Let's see. Stealing supplies.

Lying about being able to drive a HGV.

Ooh, coming into work high.
Building inappropriate bears.

dr*gs.

I could plant dr*gs in his desk.

- [MEOWS]
- You? You are going to buy dr*gs?

I'm gonna buy dr*gs. [PANTS]
How do you buy dr*gs?

- [MEOWS]
- I'll send you instructions.

Where are you calling from?
It sounds echoey.

- [ALFIE] Kitty! Stay still.
- I'm hiding in the bath from a child.

Alfie and Nora are visiting.

Oh, my God. What's Nora like?

I don't have any reason to
not like her. She's just...

[MEOWING]

- ... nice.
- Oh. I'm so sorry.

- [ALFIE SHOUTING]
- I know.

What if Jizz notices that
she's sweet and successful

and smells like Jo Malone,
and he prefers her?

That is not gonna happen.

You have your own unique
smell that is just as good.

- [YOWLS]
- [ALFIE] Ow!

[SIGHS] It's just annoying,

because she knows everything about Jizz.

And we've been going
out... what, a week?

Pity you couldn't just speed things up.

- [YOWLS]
- [THUD]

I mauled my boy.

["NO STRESS" BY CMD/CTRL PLAYS]

♪ Breathe in, time to break out ♪

♪ No stress ♪
♪ We're wide awake now ♪

♪ Young blood, erase our mistakes now ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm blasting at the rave now ♪

♪ Can't stop ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm goin' on a mission ♪

♪ The word is out ♪
♪ Everyone in position ♪

- [HIP-HOP STOPS]
- Hello. Are you...

Yes, you are.

Uh, can I please have one serving

of your least illegal drug? Please.

Are you a cop?

Me? No. [CHUCKLING]

I watch a lot of Poirot,

but I don't think that
counts. [CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS] That'll be 20.

Um, the machine was only giving out 50s.

[GASPS]

Could I get my change?

Uh. Yeah, I've got the power to
do bank transfers with my mind.

So, you'll do it that way.
Got it. Great.

- Yeah, I've just done it.
- Amazing. Thank you.

["QUEEN" BY I.AM.EM PLAYS]

♪ Quick to the hip, stick ♪

♪ Blowin' off steam ♪

♪ I better not catch your bluff ♪
♪ What's a king to a queen? ♪

♪ Watch your back in my spotlight ♪

♪ All they eyes on me ♪

- [DAVE] Carrie...
- [GASPS]

Have you signed Lauren's card?

[CARRIE GASPS, PANTS]

What are you doing?

[STAMMERS]

Are those dr*gs?

No, Dave. [STAMMERS] It's paracetamol.

Oh. Can I have one?

- I've got a splitting headache.
- No! They're my paracetamol.

Oh, you got paracetamol? Can I bum one?

My squash elbow's playing up.

No, you can't. I need them.
I have period cramps.

But you're not due on for another
eight days and 44 minutes.

That's a breach of GDPR there, Richard.

It just came out.

I'm gonna have to log that with Sandra.

Trust me, today's not a good
day to run up Sandra.

You're doing it again.

[GROANS]

[SWALLOWS]

Nah, mate, she didn't even reply.

- You ordered a speed up?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Bro, it's so strange.

- [JEN] You got my request?
- Nah, it's bad. Yeah.

- Y-Yeah?
- Wait, who's this?

I thought we could fast-forward
ourselves a few months. No biggie.

- What?
- Who's going forward?

Just like live out the next six
months or so, but, like, quickly.

I... I don't want to speed up my life.

I've already missed so much of it.

Like all those years with the kid?

- The kid?
- [PERSON CHATTERING]

What? [GRUNTS]

[JIZZLORD] I don't understand.
What's the rush?

- [JEN] Just because, okay?
- That's not a reason.

- [JEN] Just trust me on this.
- I like time the way it is.

[JEN] People wish they
could snap their fingers

and be in a long-term relationship.

That's stupid. Why would
I want less time with you?

Oh, so I'm stupid?

Mate, mate, wait. Wait.
This couple's having an argument.

[SHUSHES]

Fine. I guess we'll just relish
the joys of budding romance

in real time like f*cking losers.

Look... It's just... You and Nora.

I feel like you have this lifetime
of memories together,

- and I can't compete with it.
- I don't remember them.

That's Robert, not me.

I remember the first time we met.

Uh, the sun was in your hair,
and you had pink nails,

and you smelled a bit
like a Petit Filous.

And I remember the first
thing you said to me.

[IMITATES SCREAMING]

Oh, that's sweet, innit?

[PERSON CHATTERING ON PHONE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS]

I feel like I said something right.
Did I say something right?

You did.

[SCREAMS]

I'm thirsty.

The Madonna of the Blessed Virgin
has been in the Montague family

since its creation in 1584.

The family have requested
that the original artist,

Giovanni Pietro DiAgostinelli,
restore the painting

as was laid out in the original
commission agreement.

Mr DiAgostinelli will work
through our conduit

using materials that are as close
as possible to the originals,

fidelity being the order of the day,

to preserve the painting's value.

[GASPS] Don't mind that sound.
It's just my heart b*ating.

Right, well, yes, I suppose
we should get started.

[GASPS] Yeah. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

[INHALES]

[GASPING]

[INHALES]

Low blood sugar.

Let's have a tea break
and, uh, reconvene.

Just sit, just sit.

What is up with you?
Your pupils are massive.

Did you accidentally have
full-strength tea instead of decaf?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

If you replace tea with hard dr*gs

that I bought on the street, then yes.

- Why are you blinking so loudly?
- What, why did you take dr*gs?

Okay, so basically,
there's this guy Kash,

and I'm trying to get him fired
by planting dr*gs on his desk.

- I'm Kash.
- [GASPS] Good for you. Wow.

So, I need to plant dr*gs in his
desk because he's so useless.

I'm doing all his work and my own.

He's got to learn to be independent.

How is he supposed to learn
how to be independent

when Carrie keeps doing
everything for him?

Carrie sounds like a real f*cking bitch.

- You're Carrie.
- Carrie has a point.

Okay. [SIGHS]

[WATER RUNNING]

[SIGHS]

Okay, just drink this.

You need to lie down in a darkened room

for four to five hours and
listen to ambient soundscapes.

Pfft. I'm not taking advice from you.

Yeah, this might be the only situation
where I know more than you do.

Now, just go home.
Relax. You'll be fine.

I am fine. Feel fine.
Absolutely fine. [CHUCKLES]

Carrie, you're not touching the floor.

Just go home.

You can't use your power anyway.

What good are you?

Oh! [STAMMERS]

- Gonna fake it.
- No, don't do that.

- Nobody's gonna know.
- No. No...

Uh, they want you back in the boardroom.

Oh, okay. Y-Yeah.

I can't get down.

[GROANS]

[SLURPING]

There's only one thing that creeps
me out more than children,

and that's old people.

[SMACKING LIPS]

Why is he chewing?
There's nothing in his mouth.

Does he have the mind of
a child or an old man?

I want my raisins.

[SIGHS] I can't tell.

Oh, God, what are we gonna do with him?

I wanted to spend quality
time with my boy.

And g*dd*mn it, that's
what I'm gonna do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHATTERING]

Mmm. Mmm.

♪ But the shoes don't fit ♪

[GRUNTS]

[GIGGLES]

Yeah.

Whee.

♪ Push me down ♪
♪ I don't wanna be lonely too ♪

Here, Alf.

- [GRUNTS] Ow!
- [CHILDREN SCREAMING]

♪ I guess I'm never
gonna get what I want ♪

♪ 'Cause all I wanna get ♪
♪ Is alone with you ♪

You're a natural, Alfie.

♪ 'Cause all I wanna get is alone ♪

Alfie? Alfie? Alfie? Alfie?

[MOUTHING WORD] Yeah!

Go on, keep walking.

- He's all right.
- [SIGHS]

[KISSES]

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [GASPS]

Oh, my God.

[MUSIC FADES]

Right, okay. [PANTS]

It's up to you, Kash.

You're not useless.

Right, there's still time
to come up with a plan.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, no.

[MONTAGUE FAMILY MEMBER 1] Hmm.
[CHUCKLES] See what I mean?

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Oh.

[MONTAGUE FAMILY MEMBER


[MR MONTAGUE] Me too!

[GIGGLES, CLEARS THROAT]

He's done. [SIGHS] He's done.

[LIGHT ROCK INTRO PLAYS]

[FAMILY GASPS, WHISPERS]

You like it?

[FAMILY MEMBER 1] What have you done?

No one's ever been sadder
than I am right now.

Yep. That's the comedown.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I need you to give a
sample for a drug test.

I needn't reiterate our
zero-tolerance policy.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna get fired.

No, get someone else to do it for you.

They'll think you had a
catastrophic mental breakdown.

Who though?

I trust you to do this for me.

It would be my honour.

- [R & B PLAYS]
- [TOILET FLUSHES]

♪ I know you wanna meet me at the bar ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

People usually give a urine sample.

What?

[SNORING]

They look so peaceful
when they're asleep.

He's drooling a lot.

He is.

[SMACKS LIPS]

I'm a terrible dad.

Hey, no. It's me. I'm a terrible...

Stepmum?

Oh, my God, am I a MILF now?

You always think you have more time.

[BUZZER BUZZES]

It's Nora. What do I do? What if
she never lets me see him again?

[SIGHS]

Mmm. [SIGHS]

Nora. How was your meeting?

It's all good here.

We did some reading.
We went to the park,

accidentally turned your son
into a pensioner, had lunch.

Sorry, what?

Mummy.

Uh.

Alfie?

[MOANS, GIGGLES]

Uh, please don't blame Jizz.

- It wasn't his fault.
- Sit down.

I was trying to speed up time,
and the guy got confused.

Although, you know,
I'd say with a bit of hair dye,

he could pass for a sprightly 68?

[NORA] Why were you
trying to speed up time?

Oh, because we've only
been going out for a week,

- and she's threatened by you.
- I...

And we've not been to Paris.

- Well, that...
- Or slept together yet.

[GASPS] Oh, but we did have a
fight though. So, that's good.

Jen.

You don't need to feel
threatened by me. [LAUGHS]

There's no need for us to fall
into lazy, predictable conflict

because of a man.

- [LAUGHS]
- [JEN] Yeah! Oh, I totally agree!

Amazing.

Rob, don't worry about Alfie.

I've got great power insurance.
I can get this reversed. [LAUGHS]

So, in terms of schedules,
do you think you could...

[NORA] Jen. Yeah, I'm talking
to you, you f*cking idiot.

Do you really think I'm cool with this?

That I'm just super chill
about my husband f*cking off

for four years to be a cat?

Like some ball-licking gap year

while I pay the mortgage
and keep that brat alive?

And when he does come back,

he's dating some Manic Pixie Dream Slut?

I was just going to guilt him
into being a full-time nanny

for that little tax credit over there.

But that's not enough.

You were right about one
thing. I am his owner.

He belongs to me.

I spent years domesticating
that man to do whatever I want,

and you think you can waltz in here

with your perky tits and no pension

and have a quirky little f*cking
Wes Anderson love story?

Well, think again, c**t.

You've taken something from me,
and I'm going to take it back.

And when I f*ck him, which I will,

I'll be thinking of you alone and sad.

And I'll come like a f*cking landmine.

Because I just don't like you.

I f*cking knew it.

Knew what?

[STAMMERS] Nothing. Sorry.

- Huh. Okay, we're off.
- [JEN] Hmm.

I'll let you know about
the flute lessons.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[RAP PLAYS]

Lovely to meet you, Jen.

You too, Nora.

Bye.

Just one big, happy family.

- Hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

I was like this.

- Like what is that? [CHUCKLES]
- And she bought it?

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

I almost feel bad for her.

Fifty for mandy ain't bad.

It was paracetamol.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You're bad.