01x07 - Ladies and Gentlemen

[bunniefuu]

Are we ever gonna get to order a drink?

This clown's been muddling
cucumbers for 20 minutes.

Bro, here's the move.

You make eye contact,
then you flash the cash.

Check this out.

Hmm?

Hey, it's working. He's looking over here.

Yeah, yeah.

Huh?

Aw, man. Game over.

Look at that.

Big surprise.

So he's gonna serve the hot girl

instead of tending to the
lovely, large Caucasian man

and his charming Indian friend.

If that bozo thinks he's getting a tip

after this bullshit,

he's right.

I'm actually too afraid of the awkwardness

of not tipping.

You could always give him a dollar

and then give him a mean mug afterwards.

Just like...

That's good.

- Real mean.
- Thank you.

- Hey, hi. I'm Derek.
- Hi, Derek.

And I just got us both a sh*t of tequila.

Oh, nah, I don't really want a sh*t.

Great, so I just paid for these

and now I have to throw them out?

Um, sorry?

Whatever.

So, uh, we should hang out sometime.

- Can I get your number?
- Oh, that's so nice.

I, uh... I got to... I'm
gonna catch up with my friends.

What?

But we got something...

Uh, so what's up with you
and purple shirt over there?

Oh, my God, so hot, right?

We've been vibing all night,

doing some drinks, doing some dancing.

It's a great girl.

Why'd you come back to
talk to me? Go talk to her.

Dude, you got to let them breathe a
little bit, play a little hard to get.

You know these girls
want what they can't have.

It's true.

f*ck!

Uh-oh. Sorry, bud.

Well, on a side note,
uh, I realize I hate bars.

I don't want to be here
in this sweaty mess.

I'd much rather be at home watching TV,

cuddling with Rachel.

Dude, I'm so jealous of your setup, man.

I'm out here chasing random women,

and you're at home with this beautiful,

intelligent girlfriend you actually

like spending time with?

You're nurturing this
fulfilling and rich...

Oh, my God, she stopped
making out with that dude.

I got to make my move.

I think she really liked me.

But she did go home with that guy

that she was making out with.

Girls are so annoying.

Sorry, buddy.

Is anybody going this way?

- I'm getting a cab.
- Okay.

Yeah, we're just gonna grab the subway.

All right. I'll see you guys.

- See you.
- Bye.

Man, it's colder than
they said it was gonna be.

It's supposed to be nice tomorrow.

You want to keep talking about the weather?

I could go either way.

Let's keep going.

Here's a thing.

If it's cold outside, I think they should

make it cold inside also.

'Cause, let's say I'm dressed for the cold

and it's not cold inside,

now I'm sweating wherever I go.

They should make every
place one temperature.

Who's the "they" in that scenario?

Business owners, man!

Hey, it's faster if we
cut through the park.

Oh, cool, man.

Hey!

It's me from the bar!

Remember?

Well, can't we just talk for a second?

Watch out! Watch out!

What, what, what?

You stepped in dog poop.

Aw, f*ck! My favorite sneakies!

Now I got to wipe out the poo.

Ah, just go.

Let's go get some tacos!

Dude, please leave.

Come on.

Give a nice guy a sh*t.

Let a nice guy win for once.

Oh, man, I'm starting to feel like

this relationship's not working out.

Hello?

Tell me where I went wrong.
Just lay it out for me.

- Yeah, I, uh, need assistance.
- Give it to me straight. Be honest.

Oh, man.

The sun is out, and that means barbecues.

At Garden Depot, they have the best deals

on the biggest grills.

It's summertime.

Let's get cooking.

Save up to 40% on our top grill brands

all summer long.

Get them...

while they're hot.

That looks fantastic.

Great work, guys.

Great f*cking energy out there.

You're looking good, ladies.

All right, we'll do one more take.

Let's sh**t the f*ck out
of this Garden Depot ad.

Yeah!

How was your weekend? Do anything fun?

Uh, well, my friend had this birthday party

at 169 Bar Saturday night.

Oh, whoa. I was at that bar too.

No way, that's crazy. How was your night?

Not great.

So it took forever to order a drink there,

and on my way home... stepped in dog poo.

Ruined my favorite sneakies.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Yeah. So annoying.

I tried to wash them out, but, um,
I just can't get rid of the smell.

And then I tried to order
them online... Out of stock.

So now I got to go to a
real store this weekend

and buy them in person?

I don't have that kind of time.

Hmm.

How was your night?

Um...

And then she had to call the police.

It's crazy.

I can't believe the guy, like,
followed her all the way home.

Well, I've been followed before.

Really?

Yeah, a few times.

A couple months ago, I
was in a grocery store,

and this guy started
following me around, so I left.

I went into Smoothie Palace.

He followed me into there.

Finally, I had to go to that
pet store, Le Petit Puppy,

and pretend I was shopping
for a puppy for 30 minutes

until he finally went away.

Ooh, is that the pet store
where they got the pup cam

where you can watch the pups play online?

There's, like, a live feed of the pup pen?

Sorry, not an appropriate
response to that story.

Denise, you ever been followed?

Hell, yeah.

One time, I went to the
movies by myself, right?

Theater full of empty seats.

This dude comes and sits
down right next to me,

being a creeper the whole time.

Then after the movie,
he followed my ass home.

Had to pretend my cell phone was
a Taser just to scare him away.

Damn. What movie was it?

Failure to Launch.

The Matthew McConaughey
rom-com? Why'd you see that?

Okay, after that story,
you're criticizing me

for my movie choice?

Kind of.

You saw it in the theaters?

What, you see the trailer and you thought

it looked interesting?

Okay, first off, Sarah
Jessica Parker is bae.

And you know I got diverse cultural tastes.

Uh, interesting that you'd
go see Failure to Launch,

but when I invited you
to see You, Me and Dupree,

you said, "Nah."

Uh, 'cause my girl

Sarah Jessica Parker isn't in that one.

True. She did k*ll it in
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

That's Jennifer Garner.

She k*lled it too.

Look, none of that matters.

If you're born with a
vag*na, everybody knows

creepy dudes are just a part of the deal.

Yeah, there are a million things that guys

have no clue about that are so annoying.

I don't tell anybody about half of it.

Like what?

Uh, okay, so you remember
when we went to brunch

and we both Instagrammed
the picture of that frittata?

Ooh, that frittata was fluffy as hell.

Okay, pull it up.

What are your comments?

Um, I got one from Arnold.

"Yum town. Population: Dev."

All right.

Check mine out.

"I want to f*ck your face"?

Who said that?

Some random person

with a d*ck who wanted
to use it to f*ck my face.

It's not even a picture of my face.

It's eggs.

That's why I had to
make my account private.

Oh, man, that's the worst.

Listen, tell us something.

What can two gentlemen like us do to help?

I don't know.

Don't do that stuff?

So don't follow women around,

and don't write, "I
want to f*ck your face,"

on Instagram?

I'll do it.

Although, just so you guys
know, even before all of this,

I consider myself a feminist.

Really, Arnold?

A feminist is a person
that thinks men and women

should be treated equally.

And I fully support that.

So, my good sir, I'm a feminist.

Wow, I'm really impressed you knew that.

Dude, I know tons of fun facts.

For example, did you know
that all the ants in the world

weigh as much as all
the humans in the world?

I'm just saying, if they
possessed our intelligence

and could somehow organize,
it'd be a fair fight.

So I'm gonna pick up that couch

from that Craigslist guy today.

Can you come with me?

Sorry, boo, I got to get back

to the Garden Depot commercial.

I could do it.

My large stature can keep you safe.

I'm a great negotiator,
get you those primo prices.

And I can help you carry it home.

That sounds great.

Though you definitely didn't need

to provide three reasons.

Nobody else was itching to go.

Well, like I said, I'm a great negotiator.

So what's it like being a giant?

It's pretty good.

I always have a good view at a concert.

Planes are tough, though.

What's it like being tiny?

Oh, it's fine.

Planes are great. Concerts are tough.

I wonder what experiences
are similar for us.

Hmm, hunger, love, bad smells...

Mouse!

What? What? Where?

It ran right in front of me.

Oh, okay, well, I think
it's gone now, so...

It's disgusting.

Oh, oh, you seem pretty shaken up.

Yeah.

Do you... You want to go get some boba tea?

Yeah, boba.

Okay. It's okay.

Hey.

What's up with black
dudes and their barbers?

Why's it such a big deal?

I could be a black barber.

No, you couldn't.

It's super hard.

You can't f*ck up the
line above their forehead.

It's got to be straight.

Oh, what, so I can't shave a straight line?

Come on, of course I can do that.

Oh, f*ck, I think this dude
over here is jerking off.

Damn it.

Third masturbator I've seen
this year. Creepy dudes, man.

We'll just go over to the other side.

No, no, no, no, wait.

We can't just keep letting this sh*t slide.

We got to do something.

Well, I'm all for doing something,

but what would we do, exactly?

What if we took a video of him

and posted that sh*t all over Facebook?

He'd never be able to get a job again.

So we Internet shame him?

I mean, in theory, it works.

But it's kind of a long-term play.

And who knows if the clip
will go viral, you know?

Maybe blogs will pick it up,

maybe someone makes a meme, but...

Okay, okay, okay, you right.

Internet's too fickle.

Oh, I got it.

What if we make a citizen's arrest?

What?

You've heard that before, right?

"I'm making a citizen's arrest."

If you're a citizen, you can arrest people.

Man, that sh*t ain't real.

How we both know the phrase?

Good point.

But then what? What we gonna do?

Ask the conductor to call the police?

The conductor? There's no conductor.

It's the G train.

It's not f*cking Shining Time Station.

Fine. We'll call the cops after.

But we're gonna need evidence, though.

Okay.

I'll act like I'm looking at a photo.

Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, yeah.

Look at that.

All right, that's enough
footage, all right.

Let's arrest this fool.

Okay, so on three, we both go,

"Stop what you're doing!

This is a citizen's arrest!" Right?

One, two, three.

Stop what you're doing!
This is a citizen's arrest!

This is real.

This is a real thing
that people can really do.

What are you talking about?
I'm zipping my jacket.

Oh, really? Is this
how you zip your jacket?

Man, we got video of you jerking off.

Yeah, I filmed it all on my phone,

and we're gonna show it to the cops.

What the hell are you talking about, pal?

I wasn't jerking off.

I saw you touching yourself.

You're disgusting.

Ooh, looks like she saw it.

Yeah, I saw it too.

I'm going to the conductor
and I'm telling him

to call the police.

See, I told you there was a conductor.

I thought it was all run by computers.

Dude, you're busted, all right?

And when this train stops,
there's gonna be cops

out there waiting for you.

God damn it!

We did it!

Whoa, whoa.

Did you talk price with this guy?

Well, he has it listed for 300 bucks,

but I'm gonna try and talk him down to 200.

Right, right, right.

Listen, I'm an expert on Craigslist.

It's where I get all my silverware,
all my musical instruments,

all my Gremlins merchandise.

Here's the pro move: good cop, bad cop.

You walk in, say,

"Oh, I love this couch. I'll take it."

I'll say, "Uh-uh! We're
still shopping around."

Got it?

Got it.

Buzz him.

- Hey!
- Hi!

- I'm Blake.
- Rachel.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

So this is the couch.

Oh, my God, it's amazing.

You kidding me?

I don't know, Arnold.
It might be a little big.

Maybe we should shop around a little bit?

Oh, no, you make room
for a piece this nice.

It's so soft.

Why is it only $300? What's the catch?

No catch, I'm moving out of the
country, so I just need to get rid of it.

These pillows feel like they're
filled with angel feathers.

Can I actually talk to
you over here for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
due to police activity,

we're being held momentarily...

Hey, Officers.

We got the masturbator.

He's right here.

Yeah.

You have the right to remain silent.

Don't do that.

Sorry.

Okay, guys, wait here for a sec. I'll
be right back to get your statements.

Hey.

Can I ask you something?

Why would you do this?

Why not just jerk off at
home like everybody else?

Honestly? It's just what I'm into.

Do you like the idea of someone seeing it,

or is it just the act of doing it?

What do I look like, a psychiatrist to you?

I don't know. It's just something I do.

What if society told youse you couldn't
do the sexual acts that you liked?

Well, the sexual acts we like
don't traumatize other people.

Ha, but if they did,

I bet you'd have some
real internal conflict.

Welcome to my world.

All right.

Stop making me weirdly
kind of sympathize with you.

You said you took a video of the incident?

Yeah.

Can you send it to this number?

Whoa.

So I'm texting you a
video of him jerking off?

This is weird.

Come on, it is a little weird.

So I don't know how to say this,
but my brother is a little bit off.

Yeah, he was such a sweet
kid, but when he was 15,

he had an accident.

His favorite show was Home Improvement.

And it came on,

and he heard the... sound,

and he got so excited.

And he ran down to the basement to watch,

and he slammed his head on the low ceiling.

Poor kid didn't know
how tall he had gotten.

And, um, he's just never
been the same since.

He really loves this couch.

But we don't have a lot of money.

Is there any way we can
have it for 200 bucks?

Yeah, sure.

I need to clear everything out anyway.

Found some candy in the couch.

Love you, couch.

I just don't believe in vaccinations.

I just don't.

How can injecting a little bit of a disease

help you not get the disease?

You're just putting the disease in you.

Garden Depot crew, what's up?

Hey, Dev. Um, Marie was just wrapping up.

Tell us stuff about your day today, please.

Please tell some stuff.

Uh, okay.

Well, um, earlier today,
my friend Denise and I

were on the subway, right?

And we saw this dude jerking off.

So we made a citizen's arrest,

and the police came and got him.

Damn!

Good for you, man, wow.

You are a masturbation vigilante.

Well, I don't know about that.

That makes it sound like
I was the one masturbating.

Oh, does it?

Yeah, like, I'm a vigilante that, like,

jerks off on villains.

Like, I see a bank robber,
and I'm, like, "Stop it!"

That would be really cool too.

"Don't mug that lady!"

Here, have a drink.

Yeah, to masturbation vigilante.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

The other day at CVS, this guy tells me,

"Smile more, beautiful."

I'm like, "f*ck off!"

Why should you smile more? Why?

'Cause women get paid 23 cents
less on the dollar than men do?

Uh, because the government's
trying to regulate your body?

You smile more, uh-uh. Him smile less.

And then I sent a cop a
photo of the guy's d*ck.

That is awesome.

Let's all do sh*ts.

Yeah!

It's all around us, man.

I mean, look at this Garden Depot spot.

When they hire the background actresses,

they got to get the hottest women ever.

They don't have to do that with the guys.

It's never like, "Oh, are
these men handsome enough?

Uh, do they all have six-packs?"

Never.

They're, like, all frumpy bags of pudding.

No offense.

Yeah.

The whole spot, you know,
it's these three guys

are having a barbecue,
and one of their wives

comes up with lemonade.

Isn't that whole thing just antiquated?

Yeah. All right.

I got to hit the hay, brother.

It's great chatting with you. All right.

See you, Brad!

Uh, hey, man.

What's going on? Is my trailer moving?

I'm playing Ted.

Oh, man, I got some bad news.

They did a big rewrite this morning.

Your part got nixed.

Now it's three ladies having a barbecue.

What?

Hey, man, you changed the whole spot?

Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry, man.

I thought about what you
were saying last night,

and I talked about it with the ad agency.

And... we just decided to
go in this new direction.

Well, is there another direction

where I don't get fired
and lose a bunch of money?

Oh, man, I wish I didn't
have to let you go, brother.

I did get you this vintage sheriff's badge

as a sort of thank-you/I'm sorry gift.

You'll always be the sheriff on my set.

Well, I appreciate the sheriff's badge,

but is there anything I can
do in the commercial still?

I think I have an idea.

Oh, man, the sun is out,
and that means barbecues.

At Garden Depot, they have the best deals

on the biggest grills.

It's summertime! Let's get cooking.

Save up to 40% on our top grill brands

all summer long.

Get them while they're hot.

And rakes too!

Oh, God, do we have smaller rakes?

Because it looks like
we're selling giant rakes.

Let... Let's do another take, Dev.

Sure.

And action!

And rakes too.

Okay, I think we got it.

Good job, man.

Thanks.

Anush?

Hey, man, how's it going?

Good, what're you doing here?

I just booked a part in this commercial.

I'm the rake guy!

What? What's wrong?

Hey, where you going?

Hey, are you in this commercial too?

And rakes too.

g*dd*mn, he's good.

I know, right?

Hey, Dev.

Hey, what's up, Diana?

Um, we just all felt really bad

about what happened to you.

I mean, we loved having
more to do in the commercial,

but it sucks that you
couldn't be in it at all.

So we got you this.

Whoa.

A guy jerking off on the subway, on a cake.

Shout-out to the pastry
team at the grocery store

for doing that design for you.

Yeah, it was definitely uncomfortable.

I'm not really sure what
they think this cake is for.

But anyway, thanks for
saying what you said to Brad

about the commercial.

It's just really nice
that you tried to see it

from our perspective.

Also, the cake is 100% gluten-free.

Do you know what gluten does to you?

Lupus. Gluten gives you lupus.

Okay, Marie.

So you got fired.

At least you still got
to attend the wrap party.

Yes, great consolation.

Cash bar and bad nachos.

I'm never buying one of those grills.

Actually, I'm gonna buy
a bunch of those grills,

deplete their stock,

then return them at the end of the summer.

Boom!

Thanks, buddy.

Might be a little unnecessary, though.

To me not getting fired at my next gig!

Hey, man, I'm so sorry
that things didn't work out,

but your idea came out really great.

Aw, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Hey, hey.

Brad Honeycutt, Brad Honeycutt, okay.

Yeah. I'm really sorry again.

Hey, Brad Honeycutt, okay.

So there's a thing.

What?

You didn't notice that?

That guy only introduced
himself to the men at the table.

He went right past us, like
Denise and I were invisible.

Yeah, he totally snubbed us.

I don't know, I don't
think that was intentional.

You guys were sitting in the corner.

He was probably just in a rush.

Yeah, well, in his rush,
he managed to shake hands

with two random dudes and Arnold.

He didn't think we were important enough.

I don't know.

Seems like you might be
reading a bit much into it.

We're telling you that this is something

that definitely happens
to women all the time.

But fine, deny our perception of the world.

Here's my issue.

He just went to the bathroom,
washed his hands, they're still wet.

I don't want to shake no wet hands.

Now I got to wash my hands. BRB.

Man, I hate this sh*t.

I'm gonna get a sh*t of Sprite.

Are you really mad at me right now?

Kind of.

Not that mad, though, right?

Hey!

What? Why are you mad at me?

Your beef's with Brad Honeycutt.

Do you really think that guy
has something against women

'cause he didn't shake
you and Denise's hands?

You're not listening to what
I'm trying to say at all.

All right, whatever.

I'm sorry you missed out on
the life-changing experience

of shaking hands with Brad Honeycutt.

What a tragedy.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Rachel!

So I was thinking about the whole

Brad Honeycutt situation.

And, um, there's a chance that what he did

may have been a little sexist.

Great, cool apology.

Look, I'm just saying I'm sorry

I defended Brad Honeycutt.

Can you at least give me that I'm not some

sort of sexist monster for thinking that

maybe he wasn't motivated
by a crazy sexist agenda

when he didn't introduce
himself to you guys?

I'm not saying that
you're a sexist monster.

I just think it's weird
that your first instinct

is to act like I'm crazy
and defend Brad Honeycutt

instead of just believing me.

Well, I guess, in my
head, I'd like to think

someone isn't so awful that they wouldn't

introduce themselves to someone
just 'cause they're a woman.

And what I'm saying is that there are a lot

of subtle little things that happen to me

and all women, even in our
little progressive world.

And when somebody, especially my boyfriend,

tells me I'm wrong without
having any way of knowing

my personal experience, it's insulting.

Okay. I get that.

Well, I mean, I guess there's no way

I'll ever really know what it's like

to be in your shoes, so...

I'll try to do a better
job of listening, all right?

So can we call it a draw?

Nope. I won.

- Hey!
- I won!

Hello, everybody, I won!

I had a fight with my boyfriend,
and I just won that fight!

No, we came to an understanding

after a thoughtful discussion.

I won!