01x20 - Little-ol-lady-whoooo Has Talent

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles] - Come on!

It's picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ Really Loud house ♪

- Today is the big day.

Today's the day the Loud family

finally beats the Torkelsons' record

in the Royal Woods Talent Competition.

[device beeps] Is that the one?

- Well, it was better than take ,

but worse than takes nine and four.

Either way, I'm going back to bed.

- Do you know how many years

the Torkelsons' record has stood?

- . - years.

And you know how many medals they won years ago?

- Seven. - Seven. That's right.

And that darn Fred Torkelson reminds me of it

every chance he gets.

[medals clanging]

- Morning, Loud!

Just out doing my neighborhood walk.

Is the clanging of my medals bothering you?

I just know that since there are seven of them,

the noise can be quite deafening.

I didn't want to disturb you and make you drop your mail.

[clanging continues]

- He doesn't even live in the neighborhood.

He has his wife drop him off.

- Yeah, we're gonna get him this year.

- Oh, you're darn right we are.

I'm gonna go check on the kids.

Winners, assemble!

- [sighs]

Sometimes it's tough living in a family

where everyone has a specific talent.

Everyone except me.

- There's my musician.

There's my comedian.

There's my fashion girl.

There's my athlete. [yelps]

There's my pageant queen.

And there is my mechanic.

[imitating car starting]

Let's go! [cheering]

Hey, Linc, do you think you could do the dishes?

They're all working on their talents.

[dishes clattering]

[excited chatter]

- OK, everybody, let's get upstairs and rehearse.

I want to see those talents on display.

[exhales sharply] Can you feel the energy?

- It makes me miss performing. - Mm.

- I wish there was a talent show in Royal Woods for adults.

- Hey, today is about celebrating the children...

and crushing Fred Torkelson and his smug, smug face.

But I know what you're saying. We are natural performers.

I can't imagine two people more suited for the limelight.

[jaunty music]

both: ♪ Talents ♪

♪ We've got talents ♪

- ♪ You name it, we can do it ♪

- ♪ And our kids are here to prove it ♪

both: ♪ Royal Woods has got the goods ♪

♪ We've got talents ♪

[cheering]

- Guess who's hosting the talent show tonight?

- Do not say Fred Torkelson.

both: These guys.

all: These guys!

- What am I good at?

- If you're about to fart,

I'm not falling for that again.

- No, I'm serious.

What are my talents?

Of all the categories in the talent show,

there isn't one I can win.

- You forgot the most important category of all.

You're an amazing best friend.

- Clyde!

That means absolutely nothing right now.

Sorry, but our family trophy case is overflowing.

And there's not one thing in there

that says "Lincoln Loud" on it.

- Is there anything I can do to help?

- Well, you could pull my finger.

- Oh, man.

- ♪ You might say I'm difficult ♪

♪ Don't want to play it typical ♪

♪ Second-guess myself so much it's gotten pitiful ♪

- Great news: So I'm competing in the fashion category

in tonight's show, and I want you to wear my creation

as you perform your masterpiece.

- Well, it's not much of a masterpiece right now.

The words are right, but when I sing it,

it's like I don't even believe what I'm saying.

Nothing feels authentic.

I'm a total fraud.

- What do you think of yellow?

I have brown too.

- As you know, I'm gonna be doing my first performance

without Mr. Coconuts, so...

I need you to make sure I don't have access to him.

- I shall banish him

to the seventh level of the underworld.

- You don't need to banish him anywhere.

- Right. Worldly suffering is much more profound.

I will have him drawn and quartered

by the four steeds of the apocalypse.

- Lucy! - Burn him in a lake of fire?

- Look, I need to prove I can be funny without Mr. Coconuts,

but I don't trust myself to go through with it.

Can you just lock him in a box or something?

- Fine.

But you're really sucking all the dark fun out of this.

[thud]

Luan won't let me t*rture Mr. Coconuts.

- Oh, darn.

Hi, sweetie.

I found your twirling gloves. - Sweet.

- Ooh, you look a little flushed.

Can I get you some water? - That's all right.

I'll take care of it. [low murmur]

- Well, the routine looks great.

Amber Spitzpatrick better watch her back.

- Here you go.

- How'd you do that?

both: It's twin-tuition.

- When one of us needs something...

- The other one just kind of feels it.

- How long have you two been doing that?

- Pretty much since we were born.

Can you hand me that welding mask?

- Um...

- I forgot my-- - Here you go.

- Thanks.

- [chuckles] Well...

Hey. - Hey, have you seen Lisa?

I heard that she's going for the Little Miss Talented

and Glamorous in tonight's talent show.

- Haven't seen her. - Oh.

Uh, have you seen Lisa?

- Yes.

She's standing right in front of you.

- [squeals]

OMG!

You look amazing!

How did you do this?

- I downloaded the You So Sassy app onto Todd's hard drive.

- You go, queen.

That haircut is fire.

- I am seriously impressed.

- Todd used a follicle manipulator to color my hair.

According to our research,

blondes bring home the hardware % of the time.

- And they have more fun % of the time.

- I think you have a real chance at winning this thing.

- Oh, I'm definitely gonna win it.

And then I'm gonna destroy it.

- That's the spirit. Wait, what?

- I will use my platform to tell everyone

that contests celebrating beauty over intellect

should be eliminated from society.

- Yay.

- Check it out.

I found a talent competition I can win.

Yodeling.

- Yodeling? - Yodeling.

I'm gonna win my first-ever trophy yodeling.

- But you can't yodel.

- I don't have to.

No one else entered.

Look, the last person to enter yodeling

was little Matthew Torkelson years ago.

- But you're still gonna have to do

some type of yodeling to win.

- How hard can that be? [clears throat]

[off-key yodeling]

I'll figure this out.

"How to yodel."

- Well, it says here that you have to alternate

between chest voice and your falsetto.

Let me try.

[yodeling perfectly]

Whoa.

- You wouldn't.

- I have to.

[both yodeling]

- Come on, Clyde!

- I'm sorry, Linc.

I think yodeling is my destiny.

- I thought you were gonna help me when my first trophy.

- In case you haven't noticed, outside of baking,

I'm not exactly burning it up

in the trophy department either.

I'm sorry, but it's on.

- May the best yodeler win.

[Focus' "Hocus Pocus"]

♪ ♪

[both gargling]

- [yodeling]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves of grain ♪

- More like amber waves of lame.

I'm saying you're lame.

- Well, if it isn't Amber Spitzpatrick.

- You're gonna be feeling some Amber waves of pain

when I b*at you in this contest.

- You may bully everyone in Royal Woods,

but you're not gonna bully me.

And you're not gonna b*at me.

- I don't have to b*at you.

I'll just do this.

Help!

Amber, you're going to regret this!

Where are you when I need you?

Amber!

Seriously, let me out!

- Lucy, I need Mr. Coconuts back.

I've been trying to come up with new jokes all day,

and all I have is something about airplane food.

I've never even been on an airplane!

I'm really bad at observational comedy.

- Lana, seal the dummy.

[welding torch hissing]

- Wait, Lola's in trouble!

- [whimpering]

- Please, someone let me out of here!

Let me out!

- This is it. - This is it.

- Somebody's gonna win that trophy.

- Medal.

- Somebody's gonna win that medal.

- [yodeling perfectly]

- Or him.

- Definitely him.

- Excuse me, I'm, um...

Oh, hey, Howard.

Have you seen my husband?

We don't want to miss the start of the show.

- Hey, hon. Funny story.

Harold blew out his vocal cords helping Clyde yodel,

so they asked me to fill in as cohost.

Did I forget to tell you that?

- Yeah, you did.

Whatever happened to, "Tonight's not about us.

It's about celebrating the children"?

- Pfft, I didn't really want to do this.

I just--oh! - And now...

- Red leather, yellow leather. - Welcome, folks,

to the th Annual

Royal Woods Kids Have Talent Show.

Howard and Lynn Loud!

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ Oh, Royal Woods, you seem to have it all ♪

♪ From Flip's Food & Fuel to your thriving shopping mall ♪

- ♪ But what we've got the most of ♪

♪ The thing that we can boast of ♪

♪ The thing they made us host of ♪

- Daddy! - ♪ That takes our breath ♪

- Yep, sure is. - ♪ Away ♪

[splat]

[audience gasps]

both: Talents!

- That's Thor Torkelson.

- Why is he eating pickles?

- Probably some yodeling trick from the old country.

- Interesting.

♪ ♪

[music swells]

both: ♪ It's the th Annual ♪

♪ Royal Woods Kids Have Talent Show ♪

♪ ♪

- Our first category is a salute to America.

And our first contestant, my daughter,

Miss Lola Loud, singing "America the Beautiful."

- [chuckles]

- Lola Loud!

- Where's Lola? - I don't know.

- Let's move on to our sports category

with the basketball-spinning competition.

- Oh, whoo!

["Sweet Georgia Brown"]

♪ ♪

- I can do this all night.

- Twin-tuition, baby.

- Took you long enough.

You stopped for snacks, didn't you?

I'm starving.

- I know.

I'll give it to you after you win.

- How do you know I'm gonna win?

- Let's just say your main competition

isn't going anywhere unless someone has exact change.

- Somebody get me out of here!

G-! G-!

- And Lynn Loud wins the sports competition!

- Yes!

- Let's go!

♪ Que calor ♪

♪ Que ca en la discoteca ♪

- Go, Lynn! Go, Lynn!

- ♪ Para la muñeca, por favor ♪

- Get Loud!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Wait, wait, wait!

And the dance competition!

Wow! - Yes!

- [laughs]

- Sorry, ladies and Charlie.

- Better luck next year!

That's two, Torkelson.

[medals clang]

- OK, so the pickles don't help.

- No, that would have been good to know after my th pickle.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, everyone.

Thank you.

- What a night it's been so far!

- Yeah, it's been awesome.

- And now for the comedy category.

Let's give a warm welcome for my daughter, Miss Luan Loud!

- Yay, Luan! - Whoo!

- Go! Go! - I don't wanna go!

I don't wanna go!

Boy, am I glad to be here.

[laughter]

I normally have my ventriloquist puppet,

but my morbid sister locked him in a metal sarcophagus.

Oh, you think that's bad?

She tried to have him banished

to the seventh level of the underworld.

Or as I call it,

our family bathroom.

Yeah, my parents had kids

and thought it would be a good idea

for all of us to share one toilet.

- That is hilarious.

- Yeah, our family plunger was nominated

for a lifetime achievement award.

[cheers and applause]

- My work here is done.

- There you are.

Oh, wow.

I see you got into my bronzer.

You look great. Are you excited?

- I'm excited to read this.

Do you mind if I practice? - Sure.

- In a world increasingly focused on the exterior,

pageants like these only seem to exacerbate the problem.

We idolize the tan, blonde, statuesque,

aspiring weather ladies who don't give an ounce of thought

to anything but the boy they're presently crazy for.

In the second half, I'm not so nice.

- Wow.

That's...great.

Well, it's important for you to speak your mind

and stand up for what you believe in.

Way to go.

- Next up, find out who takes the crown

in our Little Miss Talented and Glamorous Contest.

- All right. I'm gonna go get my seat.

Can't wait to see you up on the winners wall.

- OK, girls, come on out!

- Hey, Luna, you're on soon.

What's the holdup?

- Uh, what's the holdup?

- Oh.

- This is what you designed for me?

- You were the one that said

your song was about people trying to put you in a box.

- This is insane!

Have you been listening to me at all, Leni?

- Yes, Luna.

I've been listening to you all day.

But now, you have to listen to me.

You may know music,

but I know fashion.

This is going to work.

- Congratulations to Lisa Loud!

Let's hear it!

The floor is yours.

- Thank you.

In a world increasingly focused on the exterior,

competitions like these

only seem to exacerbate the problem.

But that's only looking at the exterior of these contests,

because contests like these

celebrate sisters like mine--

strong, talented, and supportive.

Sure, she's beautiful on the outside,

but she's also beautiful on the inside.

And I can sincerely say

that I'm proud to share this honor with her.

- Good job.

- And now, the final entry in our song competition,

Luna Loud!

- Luna's up.

- Which means we've got minutes--

- Until you lose.

Yodel-ay-hee, losers.

[laughter]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ The box that I talked myself into ♪

♪ Boxed everything in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ All of my instincts ♪

♪ Forgot who I'd been ♪

♪ And the only way back is the lonely way back ♪

♪ Let the haters talk smack ♪

♪ 'Cause this girl's got a box to unpack ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And ♪ [audience gasps]

♪ You say I'm difficult ♪

♪ Second-guess myself so much it's kind of pitiful ♪

♪ My mojo's frozen up cold like a Flippee ♪

♪ Excuses I've chosen take hold and still trip me ♪

♪ But look out, I got my balance ♪

♪ Knock, knock, guess who ♪

♪ Y'all shout, "You have talent?" ♪

Uh, yeah, I kind of do.

♪ ♪

♪ Gotta sing your song, sing it clear ♪

♪ no matter how many yous it took to get here ♪

♪ Sing it wrong ♪

♪ Sing it right ♪

♪ Let it roll ♪

♪ Let it rock ♪

♪ Let it help you ♪

♪ To fight your way out of that box ♪

♪ It only takes a single spark ♪

♪ ♪

♪ To light up the dark ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Light up the dark ♪

- Wow!

- Luna and Leni Loud,

winner of the music and fashion competition.

[cheers and applause]

Now, moving on to our final competition.

After a -year hiatus, yodeling is back.

Please welcome to the stage Thor Torkelson.

[cheering]

- Thor! Whoo! - That's my boy!

- [yodeling]

♪ ♪

- You're going next.

- What? - I'm not following this guy.

- I don't want to follow him either.

- What are we supposed to do?

- I don't want to overreact, but...

what if we fake our own deaths?

- Yes! Yes! That is good!

- As they say in show business, boys,

that is a wrap.

- Clyde, I think I've got an idea.

- I'm all over it.

- They're going for the duet.

We haven't seen a yodeling duet since !

- [yodeling]

- ♪ Yodel-what? ♪ - ♪ Yodel-who? ♪

both: ♪ Yodel-ay-hee-ho! ♪

- ♪ Yodel-what? ♪ - ♪ Yodel-who? ♪

both: ♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! ♪

- ♪ Yodel-what? ♪ - ♪ Yodel-who? ♪

both: ♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! ♪

♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! ♪

- ♪ Oh, yodel-what? ♪ - ♪ Yodel-who? ♪

both: ♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! ♪

- ♪ Yodel loud ♪ - ♪ Yodel proud ♪

both: ♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! ♪

[yodeling]

♪ Yodel what? ♪

[cheers and applause]

- And that is our show, everyone!

And now for our closing number,

I would like to bring out the most talented woman I know.

[triumphant music]

- Mommy can dance! - Yeah!

♪ ♪

- Are you sure Howard's OK with this?

- Don't worry. Lana and I took care of it.

- Oh!

- [screaming]

Help! Help!

♪ ♪

both: ♪ It's been the th Annual ♪

♪ Royal Woods Kids Have Talent Show ♪

♪ ♪

- Kids, get up here. Come on. Come on out.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

all: ♪ It's the th Annual ♪

♪ Royal Woods ♪

♪ Kids Have Talent Show ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[cheers and applause]

- That's all, folks!

- I utilized a molecular re-sequencer

to restore my full-bodied, no-nonsense hair.

Lisa's back, baby!

[cheering] - That's right!

- Couldn't have done it without you, buddy.

- Right back at you.

- To the Louds, the winningest family in town.

[cheering]

- The one thing about the Loud family

is we never gloat after we win...

except tonight.

[medals clang]

Everybody in Vanzilla.

We're gonna go over to the Torkelsons

and rub it in their faces.

[cheering]

Oh! Oh, look at that weight!

Hey. Hey, Lincoln, look.

Look how heavy it is.