900x02 - The Mike Judge Collection 102

[bunniefuu]

(Beavis and Butt-Head laughing)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(announcer) Imagine for a moment your own finger luxuriating

beneath the weight of carats of the purest cubic zirconia.

Yeah, I want to order one of those pubic zircroniums.

(laughing)

Guys, I invited you over to watch the Olympics.

I'm changing it back.

(music playing)

No way, dude.

You can watch the Olympics any time.

Don't mind me, boys, I just brought you

some nice warm cookies to eat

while you're watching television.

Cool!

Now, I know I can trust Stuart's friends,

but just be extra careful with that china plate.

It's th century antique.

Um, Mom!

(crowd cheering)

(laughing)

Guys, don't.

I'll let you watch home shopping.

Come on.

Please?

(laughing)

(laughing)

Catch it, dude.

Huh?

Ahh! Oh!

Hey, that things flies pretty good.

Yeah.

Better than Anderson's garbage can lids.

(laughing)

Check it out, behind the back.

Ow!

Careful, you guys.

That plate's, like, kind of valuable.

Ow!

Gall darn it, who keeps messing with my garbage can lids?

These things ain't Frisbees, you know.

Ow!

What the hell was that?

Damn it.

Must have been one of them low-flying buzzard hawks

or something.

(dog barking)

(laughing)

What's that?

A dog? Yeah.

You called it, dude.

Yeah.

I bet he could fetch stuff for us.

Like bones.

And, like, money and stuff.

Hey, maybe he's, like, one of those Frisbee dogs

that catches Frisbees.

Cool.

Get it, boy!

♪♪

Whoa!

That dog is cool.

Yeah.

Nice doggy, nice doggy, cool doggy.

(laughing)

That's a pretty cool plate.

Oh!

(imitating guitar riffs)

Ow!

(imitating guitar riffs)

Ow!

(imitating guitar riffs)

Don't bogart the plate, Butt-Head.

Okay.

(humming)

Ow!

Oh, no!

♪♪

What the--

UFO!

(tires screeching)

(Stuart) No!

(exploding)

Wow!

I can't believe the plate didn't break.

You guys are really lucky.

Oh!

Hey, isn't there, like, a word for it when something happens?

You know, like, when you don't expect it?

You mean ironic?

No way, pecker-butt, it's like an English word.

Uh, "cool"?

Yeah, that's it.

It was "cool." Yeah.

(laughing) Yeah.

♪♪

(announcer) Coming soon to a theater near you,

it's "Weekend at Bernie's" part !

That's right.

Bernie's still dead and he's stiffer than ever.

(Butt-Head) Cool.

Yeah.

(laughing)

We're back with a breaking story.

Eyewitness Action News has just learned

that a deranged serial k*ller

has escaped from the county jail.

Cool.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Unfortunately, we only have this crude sketch

of the escaped k*ller,

but he shouldn't be too hard to identify since he has

a jailhouse tattoo of the word "k*ller" on his forehead.

(laughing)

I wish all words were that cool.

Yeah, me too.

If you should encounter this individual,

do not, repeat, do not attempt

to bring him into custody yourself.

Contact the police immediately.

This individual is armed and dangerous.

However, if you're ignorant enough

to go after him yourself, there's a $, reward.

(laughing)

Hey, Beavis, I bet when we get that reward money,

we can, like, see that movie about stiffies

and we can, like, pay for our own tattoos.

Yeah, yeah!

Then we'll be cool.

I'll get a tattoo of a butt.

I'll get a tattoo of a butt on my butt.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, I'll get a tattoo of a butt

that has a butt-shaped tattoo on it

and I'll get it right on my butt.

That would be cool.

(laughing)

Yeah, me too.

(TV chatter)

(laughing)

Butt tattoos are cool.

Yeah, butt tattoos kick ass.

(laughing)

And ass tattoos kick butt.

(crashing)

Whoa.

Speaking of butts, Beavis, did you just cut the cheese?

Sounded like it came from outside.

What are you, some kind of butt ventriloquist?

Yeah.

That would be cool.

Are you sure you didn't cut the cheese?

(laughing)

Shut up, Butthead.

(distant sirens)

Maybe it was, like, a wild animal with rabies.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

Let's catch it.

I always wanted a pet with rabies.

♪♪

(Butt-Head) Hey, Beavis, did you know when you get rabies,

the doctor gives you, like, sh*ts in the stomach

with this really long needle?

It feels like this.

Ahh!

(tussling, Beavis screaming)

Uhh. Ahh.

(laughing)

Whoa.

That Kn*fe is cool.

Yeah.

Do you use that for, like, cutting, and stuff?

Yeah, cutting people.

Whoa! Yeah.

(distant sirens)

Hey, Beavis...

Remember that thing we were watching

about that escaped k*ller dude?

Yeah, yeah.

I bet this guy's tracking him down, too.

(laughing)

If he sees him first, he could get our reward money.

That would suck. Yeah.

Uh, are you, like, trying to track down that escaped k*ller?

'Cause we need the money.

For tattoos.

Yeah, and we decided to track him down first. Yeah.

(laughing)

I wouldn't want to have to, you know, kick your ass or anything.

I'm tracking people down too, man.

But nobody on my list is an escaped k*ller.

See, I don't need money for a tattoo.

'Cause I already have one!

♪♪

Whoa!

Cool!

(Butt-Head) It says... "Kyler."

(Beavis) Yeah.

Is that your name?

Kyler?

Kyler.

I like that.

(laughing)

(all laughing)

Good one, Kyler.

Yeah, yeah, that was cool.

Shh!

You hear that?

Hear what?

(whispering)

The voices.

Voices everywhere.

They're calling me.

They guide me.

They command me and forever I must obey.

Yeah, voices are cool.

I hear voices, too.

They, like, tell me to do stuff, like stay home from school

and watch TV and, like, break stuff,

and, like, just-- Whoa!

Preach on, brother Beavis.

Yeah-- And sometimes the voices tell me

to do other stuff, like even cooler stuff,

like this voice said, Beavis, go get a gum wrapper,

and, like, roll it up into a cone

and, like, stick it in the butt of a big old horsefly

and it's like, the fly just flies straight up

and it's like he keeps going up and he can't come down

'cause he can't fly anywhere else, and, like,

keeps going up until it dies of exhaustion.

And then it falls down!

(laughing)

Settle down, Beavis.

You're twisted, man.

Yours is twisted.

Yeah.

You twisted yours when you were choking it.

(laughing, distant sirens)

♪♪

Yeah.

(all laughing)

Yeah.

(all laughing, distant sirens)

You know, I'm always gonna remember you guys.

And now, it's time for me to give you boys

something to remember me by.

Get moving!

This may hurt a little.

(Beavis) Yeah.

Let me get this straight.

You want a tattoo of a butt

which has a butt-shaped tattoo on it?

Yeah.

And I want it right on my butt.

Hey, Butt-Head.

How come you're so interested in butts?

Shut up, Beavis.

(laughing)

Yeah.

(laughing)

Ahh!

Ow!

Ahh!

Now we're cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Ow!

Ahh!

We have a bizarre, but welcome update on a breaking story.

The serial k*ller who escaped yesterday

from the state penitentiary

is now back behind bars and authorities say

he turned himself in.

He claims voices have directed him to a new calling.

The warden at the state penitentiary described him

as a new man, a model prisoner.

According to officials, he says he will now serve out

his life sentence administering tattoos

to the derrieres of his fellow inmates.

These are tattoos of derrieres

with derriere-shaped tattoos on them.

Hey, Butt-Head, what'd that guy say?

I don't know.

Ow! Ah!

♪♪

(school bell ringing)

(laughing)

Ah!

(Butt-Head) Hey, Beavis.

Check this out.

Big deal, I can do that.

Oh, yeah?

Watch this.

Now listen up, people!

I am not an unreasonable man,

but I say there's nothing wrong with you little monsters

that can't be cured by a quick return to the days

of corporal punishment!

Now, here to talk to you about your feelings

is our new school psychiatrist, Dr. Floss.

Thank you, Mr. Buzzcut.

Today, being my first day here at Highland High,

I'm trying to meet as many students as possible

and to let you know

that I'm here to help at your request.

If you have problems or worries, my door is always open,

but on a strictly voluntary basis.

Let me assure you that no one will be required to see me.

(Beavis) Ah!

(Butt-Head) Ah!

That's cool.

You two!

My office, now!

(laughing)

Why don't you start by telling me

your earliest memories?

Uh, I woke up and, like, took a whiz.

Yeah.

(laughing)

I see.

Only I had to, like, stand way back from the toilet.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

(laughing)

And why is that?

(laughing)

Hmm... Yes.

I'm interested in anything either of you might want

to tell me about your boyhood.

Uh, I just did.

(laughing)

How about your parents?

Your mother, for example.

How do you feel about your mother?

Um, like this?

Yeah, yeah.

Kind of like this.

That's not how I feel your mother.

Shut up, fart knocker!

That was cool.

Hey, Beavis, check this out.

Ow, ow, ow! Yeah!

(laughing)

Whoa, I got the last grape.

No way, Beavis, I saw it first!

Cut it out !

(spitting)

My germs.

No way!

Bunghole!

No way!

Come on, Butt-Head, I always get the grape!

(laughing)

It's not gonna taste like grape when it's up your butt.

Ahh!

Now, I'd like you boys to look at these drawings

and tell me what you see.

What?

It's like this dude.

And he's, you know, auditioning his finger puppets.

Yeah, yeah.

He's shining his helmet.

(laughing)

I see.

And what do you see here?

Whoa!

He's really corralling the tadpoles.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

He's really peeling some chilis.

I see.

And how about this one?

Whoa.

Leave a little for next time, dude.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Yeah.

He's really, like, having a tug o' w*r with Cyclops.

Paper or plastic, sir?

(laughing)

He's masturbating.

(laughing)

Hmm, I see,

And how about this last drawing?

Uh...

That's, like, just a bunch of weird shapes.

Yeah, yeah.

Fascinating.

Principal McVicker.

Could you come in here immediately?

We've got big problems.

(laughing)

(loudspeaker) Dr. Greenbaum, --.

Now remember to be especially kind to our new friends,

because the sudden change from being students to patients

in a psychiatric ward could be very hard on them.

She said "very hard."

Yeah.

Then she said "on."

(laughing)

♪♪

(laughing)

(woman) Please, God, don't let them

sit over here, please.

Please don't let them sit over here.

(Butt-Head) Hey, Beavis.

Let's sit over there.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's sit over there.

(laughing)

Hey, baby.

Got any cavities?

(laughing)

That was cool.

Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(Dentist) Well, Butt-Head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here.

Have you been wearing your rubber bands

and headgear at night?

(laughing)

"Headgear."

Now open up wide for me, okay?

Ahh!

Here we go again.

Now, Butt-Head, you're going to have to hold still.

Ahh, ahh!

Cut it out, ass-wipe, that hurts!

I'll kick your ass.

That does it.

Nitrous!

But doctor, you really think it's a good idea?

Laughing gas-- Him?

(laughing)

I wish it was nerve gas.

(hissing)

(laughing)

(laughing frantically)

(Beavis) Yeah.

(laughing)

Goofus is cool.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

You.

Get over here.

Son, I couldn't help but notice how close

you were holding that magazine.

Have you ever taken an eye exam?

I hate tests.

Well, at the end of this one, you get a sucker.

Cool.

(laughing)

Cool, a View-Master.

These things are cool.

(laughing)

Now what do you see, Beavis?

Um...

Uh, the alphabet?

Can you read this line?

Uh, buh...

Buh... Butt?

Hmm.

And how about this letter?

Um.

Um...

"X"?

That's a letter, right?

(mumbling)

(muffled) What's the matter with my mouth?

Butt-Head, we had some complications

and had to wire your mouth shut.

It'll be a couple of weeks before you get it off.

Sorry.

Here, take this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How silly of me.

You'd have to be able to open your mouth to enjoy this, huh?

What was I thinking?

(Beavis) This is cool.

Come on, what letter is this?

Um...

"X"?

Whoa.

This is like being in a toilet.

You're not leaving 'til you get one right.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Thank God.

Cool!

(thumping and laughing)

Shut up, ass-wipe.

(shattering)

(Buzzcut) Now, Butt-Head, you've waited your whole life

to say this in class without getting in trouble.

Our topic for today is?

(muffled) Sexual intercourse.

Say it, Butt-Head!

(muffled) Sexual intercourse.

Say it, you panty-waist!

Say it-- Say it!

(muffled) Sexual intercourse.

Get out of my class, you uncooperative maggot!

I can't... open my mouth.

He said you're a wuss.

Wussy.

Beavis, what does this say?

Um, uh...

Um, I don't... Uh...

Yeah.

Get out!

Uh, heh-heh.

Get out!

Hey, Butt-Head, what was on the board.

I can't... open my mouth.

What?

(mumbling)

What?

(mumbling)

What?

This sucks.

♪♪