900x04 - The Mike Judge Collection 104

[bunniefuu]

(laughing)

♪♪

Super idea about documenting the decay of a rose, Cassandra.

Keep those concepts coming, everyone.

Uh, we, like, have an idea for a show.

Yeah, yeah.

We want money and chicks.

Now, television isn't all about glamour, Beavis.

It's a chance for you both to awaken your imagination.

Make those intuitive leaps

and unleash the creative flow within.

Hey, Butt-Head, smell my finger.

No way, Beavis.

(laughing)

Now, I'm sure you have a fantastic concept.

I'm gonna close my eyes and I want you to wow me.

Uh, is that allowed on school property?

Butt-Head, I want you to describe your show idea.

Excite me, make me see your vision.

Uh, okay.

So it's like, I guess, like, we'd be on TV and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And we'd be, like, in a room.

This is cool.

So like, uh, say hello to our good friend Beavis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be nutty.

So, like, this is our top ten list.

From our home office in Butte, Montana.

Ahh!

That was cool.

(laughing)

Hmm, not bad.

Tone down the v*olence and you guys are on.

Yes!

Five, four...

(laughing)

Uh, is this, like, on?

Uh, hello?

This is, like, my show and stuff.

I mean, uh...

(laughing)

Uh, welcome.

(Beavis) Hey, hey.

Butt-Head!

Butt-Head!

Oh, yeah.

Please, like, applause for Beavis.

(keyboard plinking)

I thought of a joke before.

Uh, "bonerfied."

Like, I'm bonerfied?

Yeah, yeah!

(laughing)

Uh, thank you and stuff.

I don't have any guests, 'cause, like,

we couldn't find one, so here's Beavis.

(laughing)

Uh, sit down, dumbass.

So, like, say something that's, like, interesting.

Uh...

I guess that's all the time.

Wait!

Wait, Butt-Head, I know, let's do that trick.

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

This is cool.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Now my turn.

That was a cool show.

Yeah.

Come back again.

Yeah.

We're gonna kick Letterman's butt.

Yeah-- and we're gonna score.

Well, I can see you boys aren't like the usual hooligans

hanging around here,

like these two fellas, Buffcoat and Beaver?

Boy, they been nothing but trouble.

We work so that we can, you know, buy books and stuff.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

And then we're gonna get these cool snake tattoos over at the--

You know, when a man builds a new swimming pool,

there's some things he just can't do by himself.

Uh, Beavis does things by himself.

Now, as soon as I get you boys started here,

I'm gonna go out and get me some roofing tiles.

That old tool shed's gonna be the fanciest pool cabana

you ever saw.

Of course, then I'm gonna have to put my tools somewhere.

Yeah... Me too.

(laughing)

You know, back when I was in the service,

they used to say don't show a man how to do something,

tell him what to do and let him surprise you

with his ingenuity.

Okay boys, get started.

You got a long, hard day ahead of you.

(laughing)

(man) Well, Tom, you look like you're celebrating.

Bill, I finally got a couple of good workers

to help around the yard.

I'll tell you what.

These here boys are hard workers.

They're % US grade-A.

This is stupid.

Why did Anderson put this thing on the tool shed?

Cool.

(engine revving)

You gotta have the right tool

for the job, Beavis.

Hey, Butt-Head, I found some more of Anderson's tools.

Check it out!

(Mr. Anderson) Hello?

Can I get some help here?

Hello?

I'm looking for some Spanish tile to finish off

my new pool cabana.

I told you two hours ago, masonry units,

aisle K--B, row ,

shelf "W."

Hello?

Is anyone out there?

Anderson's tools suck.

This will take us all day.

Wait a minute, Beavis.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(Beavis) Hey, Butt-Head.

Did you ever see that "Killdozer!" movie?

(Butt-Head) Yeah.

That was cool.

(laughing)

Heavy machinery is cool.

Yeah.

Watch this.

(screaming)

(coughing)

Hey, Butt-Head.

Butt-Head!

(coughing)

Damn hippie clerk.

Where the hell are them Spanish tiles?

I could have walked to Mexico by now and got 'em.

Okay, dude, push.

I am pushing!

Whoa.

(laughing)

I'm out.

Ahh!

Get me out of here!

Ahh!

(laughing)

Uh, I'm back.

(laughing)

(crickets chirping)

(laughing)

We almost made it to the edge last night, dude.

Yeah.

Swimming is hard.

Hey, Beavis. Ahh!

Remember, when Anderson gets back, we're those other guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I hope he has one of those jerk hammers

so he can chop us out of here.

Yeah, yeah.

Where is he?

(Mr. Anderson) Hello?

Masonry units?

Anybody?

Where is that damn hippie clerk?

Hello?

♪♪

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

You are under arrest for violation

of penal code dash .

He said "penal."

"Iron justice" is cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I want to do that.

(clearing throat)

(laughing)

I can't do this all day, dillweed.

Here I come.

Come.

(thudding)

Beavis, you wuss.

You hardly made a dent.

Beavis?

Beavis, you wuss.

Get up, dillweed.

Don't make me kick your ass, Beavis.

I'm kicking your ass, Beavis.

(laughing)

This is cool.

Look at me, Beavis, I'm kicking your ass.

Kicking your ass.

♪♪

(Beavis) This music sucks.

This sucks.

Well, we better bury you, Beavis.

You're already starting to stink.

♪♪

Heh-heh.

Whoa.

What is this?

Welcome to heaven, Beavis.

Whoa.

Hey, are you, like, Santa Claus?

I am St. Peter.

(whistling)

(imitating guitar riffs)

(laughing)

So, like, in heaven,

will all the chicks do anything I want?

No. That sucks.

Do I get X-ray vision?

Do I get some nachos?

No.

Are you sure this is heaven"?

(imitating guitar riffs)

This is your life, Beavis.

This book contains everything you've ever done

throughout your entire life, no matter how insignificant.

Really?

You mean, like, every time I ever took a dump,

it's in that book?

Yes.

How about that time I peed in the gym?

Uh, yes.

Cool.

(laughing)

Hey, get away from there.

Beavis is not dog food.

He's worm food.

And then when you were four,

you mutilated an action figure in a most disturbing manner.

Oh, yeah.

That was cool.

No, that sucked.

When you were five, you and your friend Butt-Head

passed out chocolate laxatives

in your kindergarten class.

Yeah, yeah, that was really cool.

No, Beavis... That also sucked.

What do you know, ass-wipe.

I know everything, buttmunch.

And then on the third day of the fourth month

of your twelfth year, you touched yourself

in an impure manner.

You saw that?

We see everything.

No way!

I had the covers over me.

Worm food.

Come and get it, worms.

And then, later that afternoon,

you touched yourself in an impure manner again

using a bottle of hand lotion--

Hey, this is starting to suck?

Did I get into heaven or not?

Uh, no.

Whoa!

(laughing)

Uh, I guess I should, like, say something.

I am here today not to bury Beavis, but to...

Later, dude.

Wake up, buttwipe.

We're gonna miss "Iron Justice."

Whoa.

I had this weird dream.

I met this St. Peter dude.

St. Who?

Peter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Peter.

(laughing)

♪♪

You've got "The Gus Baker Show" on

and the first issue, the death penalty, yes or no?

Yes, yes! Yes!

The chair!

The chair!

In my opinion, you betcha!

Yes! Yeah, yeah, the chair!

And they call me reactionary,

'cause I say criminals should be punished

and ordinary folks like you and me should have the right

to carry g*ns.

Yes, yes!

Hey, Beavis.

This dude is cool.

Also tonight, music videos.

Who makes these affronts to common decency.

Where I come from, we have a word for garbage like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah!

They suck! They suck!

(laughing)

But first, a commercial.

Our lines our open-- Give us a call.

This guy kicks ass.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's call him.

You've got Gus Baker.

Speak out.

Uh, we think you're, like, cool.

Yeah, especially that part about giving dudes the chair.

The chair, the chair!

The death penalty?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

And what you said about bums?

Yeah.

And videos.

Well, like they say, great minds think alike.

You know, talking to you boys,

I can tell our young people still have the moral strength

and character to make this country

great again.

Uh, what?

You know, a lot of people knock your generation,

saying you are uneducated and immoral.

How would you like to come on my show and prove them wrong?

Um, you mean on TV?

On TV!

Yes! Yes, yes!

All right.

Our producer is gonna take down your info.

We'll see you next week.

Next caller, you got Gus Baker.

Hey, Beavis.

Guys on TV get chicks and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

(cheers and applause)

Last week, we heard from two boys

whose characters were so impressive,

we brought them out here for today's show.

Please welcome Beavis and, uh, Buffcoat.

♪♪

Now, people say that yours is a lost generation,

violent, lazy, uneducated,

sexually active.

Not Beavis.

Butt-Head doesn't get any, either.

Well, you two certainly are

fine, upstanding young men,

a credit to the youth of America.

(cheers and applause)

Hey, Beavis, you see any chicks?

Okay, now, boys, I want to ask you,

as decent young men,

don't you agree with me

that there's something very, very wrong

with these so-called music videos?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, really.

These rock videos are immoral, indecent, profane,

scurrilous and blasphemous.

Yeah, yeah!

They suck!

They suck!

They're indecent-- Yeah.

Yeah, propane, yeah!

Yeah, especially Meatloaf.

He sucks

Hey!

We're on the air, you can't use that language.

Do we use language?

Uh, hey, Beavis.

He says we can't say "sucks."

Really?

That sucks.

Can we say "butt-wipe"? Yeah.

How about "bunghole"?

Yeah-- Bunghole!

(booing)

Uh, how about "butt munch"?

Yeah, "butt munch."

How about "dill hole"? Yeah.

"Dill weed."

Hey, do you use that language at home?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, Gus, check this out.

Peekaboo!

Go to commercial!

Go to commercial!

(announcer) Make a positive change in America.

Pledge $ to elect Gus Baker president.

Get these little bastards out of here!

Uh, do you use that language at home?

(Beavis) Peekaboo!

Following public outcry over the offending segment,

"The Gus Baker Show" was pulled off the air.

Mr. Baker accused the network of censorship

and said he'd appeal to the Supreme Court.

(Butt-Head) Hey, Beavis.

What's all that fuzzy stuff on your butt?

I don't know.

Is it still there?

Uh, Beavis?

Get your butt out of my face now.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

♪♪

(car horn honking)

Hey, Beavis.

Check it out.

Jean Gary Diablo.

Wah!

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa! Ah!

That was cool.

(woman) Is he, like, having a fit?

I kicked his ass.

(Beavis) No way.

I'm just resting.

Are y'all going to the movie?

Uh-huh.

Great.

I'm Lolita, and this here's Tanqueray.

Can we be your dates?

You mean, like, sit with us and stuff?

Yeah-- We're gonna score.

(laughing)

If you're not interested, we can get other dates.

Do we have to, like, buy you stuff?

No.

Just give us your tickets, then go 'round to the back

and we'll let you in through the exit doors.

Hey, Butt-Head.

This is, like, complicated and stuff.

Shut up, ass munch.

Check this out.

How do we know you're gonna let us in?

Well, give us your money.

Yeah.

For collateral.

Whoa.

They're pretty smart, dude.

Yeah.

That's why they're going out with us.

See you there.

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-Head.

I bet those chicks are gonna want to hold hands with us.

Yeah.

But that's not all they'll hold.

Yeah, yeah.

They'll, like, hold our popcorn and stuff, too.

Beavis, are you sure you're ready for this?

Dumbass.

Hey, Butt-Head, what do you think they're doing now?

Uh, I don't know.

Maybe they're putting on some more make-up.

Yeah.

They want to look good for us.

Yeah.

Come to Butt-Head.

Yeah, yeah.

This is gonna be cool.

Those chicks are pretty lucky they found us.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, a good man is hard to find.

(laughing)

You said "hard." Yeah.

(laughing)

They must be putting on a lot of make-up.

Yeah.

They probably look really hot by now.

Uh, is it time for our date?

The movie's over, dumbass.

Where's our money?

We had to get some popcorn and stuff for our friends.

God, you're stingy.

Yeah, man.

If it wasn't raining, I'd be kicking your ass right now.

Come on, Beavis.

Let's go check out the movie anyways.

Yeah.

Hey, punk.

You trying to sneak in?

Uh, yeah?

That was cool.

(laughing)

(announcer) From the makers of "Silas m*rder,"

Jean Gary Diablo is "m*rder March."

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Cool. Yeah.

That looks like a good movie to take chicks to.

Yeah.

We're there.

Yeah.

We better bring more money this time.

Yeah.

Then we'll score.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Achoo!

Achoo!