900x05 - The Mike Judge Collection 105

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

Now, class, when we went on our field trip to the zoo,

there was a lot of goofing around.

Now I know when we come face-to-face

with these magnificent wild beasts,

the wilderness within us yearns to respond.

But this is an art museum, people.

We can'‘t have that kind of behavior here.

[laughing]

[Mr. Van Driessen] Now the works we'‘ll see here,

took years of careful crafting.

If they'‘re tampered with in even the tiniest way...

[crashing]

...their beauty is ruined and the meaning is lost.

Now this is exactly what I'‘m talking about, people.

This sculpture couldn'‘t depict

the agonizing horror of modern society so perfectly

if every little thing weren'‘t just so.

[laughing]

He said little thing.Yeah.

[laughing]

Ow.

Ow.

Little thing.Ow.

Ow.

[laughing]

They say great art is difficult to understand but easy to enjoy.

Hey, Beavis...[laughing]

It'‘s hard but it'‘s not like hard?

[snorting]Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very good, Butt-Head, that'‘s right.

[footsteps approaching]

Now works by the master painters of the century.

[both laughing]

He said, "“Master painters ."”

Oh.

[laughing]

Yeah, master painting is cool.

Just think of it, people.

Right now we'‘re surrounded by a Renoir, a Monet and a Picasso.

[laughing]

[farting]

And yes, even a Dali.

[Butt-Head] That'‘s not that "“Dolly"” chick?

Yeah she doesn'‘t look like that.

She'‘s got really big thingies.

Like this.

[marker squeaking]

No way, Beavis, they'‘re bigger than that.

Check this out.

[marker squeaking]

Oh, yeah-yeah, yeah.

[marker squeaking]

That looks cool, now.

Yeah.

[laughing]

In the Romantic period, artists began to celebrate

the sumptuous beauty of the human form,

giving us a vision that'‘s very uplifting.

Whoa..

[laughing]

Butt naked.

Yeah, it'‘s uplifting.

Yeah, uplifting...

[laughing]

Yeah.

This would be cool to like have.

Like for the bathroom and stuff?Yeah.

[laughing]

Hold it right there.

You see that rope, boy?

You know, I could have you arrested

for standing behind that rope.

Yeah, dumb-ass.

Now you got a choice.

You got two seconds to get back on this side of the rope,

or I slap the handcuffs on you.

Oh, yeah, heh-heh, sorry about that.

[laughing]

Yeah, that'‘s what I thought.

[laughing]

Most of the artists who did these paintings

passed away some time ago.

So their value is immeasurable

because they'‘re impossible to replace.

[laughing]

Now most of the Impressionists

passed away sometime in the early...

[laughing]

Art is cool.Yeah

[laughing]

Boobs are cool, too.

That some psychotic would vandalize

these great works of art is simply unconscionable.

I'‘m sorry it had to happen on the day we were at the museum.

But I hope, like me, you were still able to have

a beautiful experience that you'‘ll never forget.

Why don'‘t we each tell what impressions

we took away from the museum.

Cassandra?

I took away a feeling of deep inner joy,

a feeling of something larger than life filling me.

Heh-heh, hey, Butt-Head, what did you take away?

[laughing]

One giant boob.

[laughing]

Yeah, that'‘s pretty cool.

But check this out.

Heh-heh-heh.

Uh, what'‘s that?

[laughing]

It'‘s a butt.

[laughing]

♪♪

Cool.

♪♪

[Beavis] Check it out, Butt-Head.

Maybe that dude'‘s handing out those flyers

with those naked chicks on '‘em?

[Butt-Head] Uh, Beavis, that'‘s like Mr. Van Driessen.

Cool, I didn'‘t know he worked at one of those strip joints.

Hey, Beavis and Butt-Head.

Welcome to Learning Central.

Have you seen our free catalog?

[laughing]

He said log.

Yeah, heh-heh.

Perhaps you boys might be interested in one of our classes

on art or photography or popular music?

Uh, we already went to school today, remember?

Yeah, we'‘re on our way to like get some nachos and stuff.

Ah, what luck.

Since it'‘s orientation night, we also have free snacks inside.

[laughing]Free?

Nacho?Cool.

Better not be those crappy blue chips.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[chattering]

[laughing]

[Butt-Head] "“You draw ass."”

[laughing]

That would be a cool class.

Yeah, yeah.

All changed.

So you ready to bare it all for another batch of strangers?

You know, I actually enjoy posing nude

for bright young artists.

Whoa, hey, Butt-Head, did you hear that?

She'‘s gonna like get naked.[laughing]

Dude, we have the power supreme.

[laughing]

This is a class about light and shadow.

A class about form and texture.

And our object of interpretation is the skin of a nude model.

Yes!Cool.

[laughing]

Well, it'‘s nice to see such enthusiasm.

I'‘d like to get a feel for your individual talents

by bring up our first model of the semester.

Yeah!

Yeah.Yeah-yeah!

[laughing]

Yeah.

Whoa.Whoa.

You can see her boobs!

This is the coolest class ever.

[laughing]

Hey dumb-ass, you'‘re blocking my view.

How do you expect me to learn anything?

Yeah, Buttmunch.

Listen, boys, this is a drawing class.

Either you begin drawing immediately

or you leave this classroom immediately!

Uh, no.

Don'‘t make us leave... please?

Yeah-yeah, heh-heh, yeah.

Um, please don'‘t make us stand up right now.

You know, '‘cause like...

You'‘re a guy, right?

Yeah.

Our pencils are hard.

[laughing]

What pencils?

I don'‘t even see any drawing materials.

Uh... we'‘re just gonna like draw her when we get home and stuff.

Yeah-yeah, heh-heh, yeah.

Well, if you'‘re gonna stay in this class,

you need to begin drawing, here.

I expect you to bring your own next time.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Uh... I think you dropped something.

Yeah, pick it up?!

[laughing]

No, Beavis, make her thingies bigger, like this.

Oh, yeah, that'‘s cool.

[laughing]

Okay, class, why don'‘t we take a break right now.

In fact, I think there are tacos and nachos in the hallway.

You boys not getting up for the free tacos?

Um, we'‘re just gonna like sit here a little while longer.

Yeah, you know, it'‘s like there'‘s gonna be

a lot of people out there and it'‘s like, you know,

we just want everything to calm down.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I have a stiffy.

[laughing]

Okay, class, now we'‘re going to bring out another model.

Yes!Yeah!

Bring her out!

Michael?

Uh... tacos?

Yeah-yeah, yeah, wonder if there'‘s any left, yeah.

[laughing]

I'‘m not feeling too good.

Yeah.

I'‘m not gonna draw some dude'‘s schlong.

Yeah.

♪♪

[croaking]

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-Head, like what the hell are we doing here?

I already told you dumb-ass.

We'‘re looking for that missing kid.

Oh, yeah, heh-heh, why?

So we can like get our pictures on milk cartons.

Then we can get that award money for his capture.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

Money, money, money!

Ahh!

Whoa.

Cool.

[laughing]

Look what I got?

Tit-lee-ist.

Cool.

[gurgling]

[laughing]

Hey, you boys seen a golf ball come through here?

Uh, no?

[laughing]

Tit-lee-ist.

[laughing]

Damn it, I could'‘ve sworn it landed somewhere around here.

[laughing]

Tit-lee-ist.

[laughing]

Tit-lee-ist.

Titicaca!

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

He'‘s washing his balls.

[laughing]

Yeah, I should do that.

Check these out.

[laughing]

[Butt-Head] Beavis, your balls are filthy.

Go to the ball washer, now.

[laughing]

Yeah, okay, yeah.

[laughing]

[man] You'‘re pulling your head on every stroke.

Let me see your bag.

[laughing]

Here, take your wood and try using

a different grip on the shaft.

[laughing]

Hey, fellas.

Ahh!

I was wondering if you fellas

had a few balls you'‘d like to sell?

Uhh... okay.

Yeah.

Tit-lee-ist.

I'‘ll give you a dollar for those three.

Whoa.

Hey, Beavis.

We could get rich doing this.

[laughing]

We need to get more balls.

[laughing]

Yeah.

You shoulda heard what you just said, Butt-Head.

You said, "“We need to get more balls."”

[laughing]

Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Now I know I'‘m starting to sound like a broken record

but y'‘all seen a golf ball around here?

Uh... no.

[laughing]No.

Uh, damn it.

Another two-stroke penalty.

I'‘m damn near out of balls.

These things ain'‘t gettin'‘ any cheaper, neither.

[laughing]

[birds chirping]

[laughing]

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

Damn it.

Ooh!

[laughing]

[bird cawing]

Uh, uh, uh.

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Damn it!

What do you say there, Tom, how'‘d you hit '‘em?

Boy, I'‘ll tell you what, Dusty.

I felt like a one-legged cat

trying to bury turds on a frozen pond out there today.

And I still got three holes to go.

So what the hell are you doing up here?

Hell, I'‘m completely out of balls.

I lost every damn one of them.

Craziest thing I ever saw.

Well, don'‘t waste your money in the pro shop.

Couple of kids down there

are selling some pretty nice balls real cheap.

They'‘re like really good balls.

Yeah-yeah, heh-heh.

What you got there, fellas?

Uh, balls.

Yeah, one dollar.

[laughing]

Hey, now, wait a minute.

These look kind of familiar.

Uh, many balls look the same, sir.

Yeah, heh-heh.

I have two that are identical.

[laughing]

[sighing]

A dollar each you say, huh?

Damn.

These things ain'‘t getting any cheaper.

Yeah.

[laughing]

♪♪

[theme music playing]

Captain d*ck Jackman live

with a very special event here at Highland High.

Principal McVicker,

tell us what we'‘re about to see.

Uh, to promote this year'‘s food drive,

our National Honor Society has glued together

some canned goods to spell the word "“Cares"”

right under the Highland High name.

Highland High cares, isn'‘t that wonderful?

[applause]

Let'‘s take a look, Principal.

Ohh!

[Beavis and Butt-Head laughing]

What the...

Well, back to you, Britney.

I would like nothing more than to k*ll you both

with my bare hands!

Uh, but I'‘m forced to give you a choice.

Either you stay after school for a week

removing asbestos from the cafeteria,

or you go on "“Teen Talk"”

with Captain d*ck Jackman and confess.

Whoa.

Is that like on TV?

Uh, yeah.

He makes all the parents in town feel better about their own kids

by publicly humiliating losers like you.

We'‘re gonna be on TV, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[laughing]

This is gonna be cool.

[laughing]

All right, listen up.

If you'‘re here to wise off on TV

for your drop-out friends watching at home,

remember that you signed a piece of paper giving me legal right

to kick your asses and sue you in court!

Now everybody smile and lots of energy, okay?

Hi, I'‘m Lolita

and this here'‘s Tanqueray.

[laughing]

Beavis, check this out.

Hey, baby, heh-heh,

you'‘re pretty hot.

You should like be on a video or something.

[laughing]

I am on a video.

Like I wouldn'‘t be here if my principal hadn'‘t rented it.

♪♪

[announcer] From the home of the Channel Four news center,

it'‘s "“Teen Talk"” with Captain d*ck Jackman.

Hey, kids, welcome aboard "“Teen Talk."”

I'‘m Captain d*ck Jackman.

And, as always, at : Sunday morning,

I trade in my weathercasting gear to rap with young people

about what'‘s goin'‘ down in their world.

[laughing]

Hi.

You'‘re cute, sugar britches.

Let'‘s talk about parents.

Any of you guys ever gotten real, real mad at your folks?

It'‘s okay to admit feelings of anger.

Well, Captain d*ck, I guess we never got along too good.

My dad b*at my up a lot.

My mom like ran off...

How '‘bout you?

What do your parents do that makes you

really, really mad?

This is boring.

Y'‘all wanna go down behind the risers

and make out or something?

[Butt-Head] Whoa.[Beavis]Yeah.

I don'‘t care of they'‘re preschoolers.

They can kiss my ass if they think

I'‘m gonna wear an Easter bunny suit.

Hey-hey, Captain d*ck Jackman here

hanging with my home persons on "“Teen Talk."”

Today, we'‘re gonna rap about vandalism.

Hey, y'‘all, hurry up

before we stop being horny.

Hey, Beavis, I think we'‘re really gonna get some.

Yeah, heh-heh, on TV.

Hey, guys, no talking without sharing.

Let me ask you, have you ever wanted to just break something?

Yeah-yeah, I like to break stuff.

Ah!

Uh, no, sir, can we go?

Hey, not so fast, young man.

I just want all our young friends here to listen up.

You'‘ve had destructive impulses, right?

Uh, no.

Yeah-- no, no, we'‘re gonna score.

Hear that kids?

These young folks are saying down with destruction

and up with cooperation.

Right on, guys!

[Beavis] Butt-Head, someone like stole our women.

Hey, uh, my man,

don'‘t you wanna be cool and positive like these guys?

That sucks.

Yeah, it doesn'‘t just suck, Butt-Head,

It like, it really sucks!

And we'‘re like never gonna score.

We'‘re gonna be wussies forever!

It'‘s gonna suck!

[laughing]

Settle down, Beavis.

No, no, Butt-Head, no, I can'‘t settle down!

It'‘s not fair!

We'‘re not gonna score!

It'‘s like we'‘ll get cars.

And like we'‘ll have like a job

and like have to go like mow lawns and like scrub the grill.

And we'‘re not gonna score ever!

Hey, hey!Ahh!

I warned you about that.

Don'‘t make me come up there.

[Beavis] Shut up, asswipe!

You probably score.

And you'‘re a dork!

Ahh! I'‘m never gonna score...

Ahh!

[screaming]

[sounds of scuffling]

This is cool.

Uh, uh, yeah.

Damn it, Beavis, I'‘m sick and tired of never getting any.

[laughing]

Yeah, me too.

Hey, Beavis, I bet we'‘re gonna score now

'‘cause we were like on TV.

Oh, yeah, heh-heh.

Chicks are cool.

[coughing]

♪♪

Sit.

Stay.

Speak!

[dog barking]This sucks.

Yeah. Good boy.

I bet they put all the stuff that sucks on in the morning

just to like get us to go to school.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I think it'‘s working.

[laughing]

[school bell ringing]

May I have your attention, people?

People?

Could I have your attention, please?

Come on, guys, do I need to get Mr. Buzzcut in here?

[clanking]Thank you.

We have a guest today, class,

and it appears, he isn'‘t a moment too soon.

It seems that as adults, we aren'‘t doing a very good job

of teaching the importance of good manners.

Now a group of concerned parents has asked the school

to deal with the problem.

So please join me in giving a warm welcome

to an expert on etiquette, Mr. Manners.

[scattered applause]

Thank you for that warm welcome.

My, what a nice looking group of students.

[making farting noises]

Hey, Beavis.

Machine-gunner.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, boys, but it'‘s rather rude

to make noises and interrupt me

when it'‘s my turn to talk.

Uh, we were doing this long before you came in, sir.

Yeah, you interrupted us.

Butt-hole.

Well, I'‘ll teach you some manners, yet.

But for now, I would greatly appreciate

your undivided attention.

Now class, manners are an enjoyable way

to create a favorable impression with others.

I'‘d like to start off with a fun activity

in which we'‘ll do a little role playing.

Now I'‘ll need a couple of volunteers.

Uh, pole playing?

[laughing]

Yeah, I can do that.

Okay, but what'‘s the magic word?

Uh...

Um, abracadabra?

No, come on, what do you say when you want something?

Oh, uh, buttwipe?

Oh, yeah, heh-heh.

Give me something, buttwipe?[laughing]

Bunghole.

[laughing]

Bung-hole!

I would like to start with the use

of proper manners in a restaurant setting.

Now I want you, Master Butt-Head...

...to pretend that you are at a restaurant.

And Master Beavis will be the waiter.

[laughing]

Let'‘s start by having Master Beavis welcome you

to the restaurant and take your order.

Ah, don'‘t touch me, asswipe!

[laughing]

You look like a dork.

Shut up, fart-knocker!

I'‘ll kick your ass.

Boys, boys, that'‘s no way to show manners.

Here, let me get you started.

Master Beavis, say something like,

"“Good evening, sir.

"“My name is Beavis.

"“Welcome to our restaurant.

May I take your order, please? "”

Go ahead, we'‘re waiting.

Um, heh, Hi, Butt-Head.

Hi, Master Beavis.

I was supposed to introduce me, bunghole.

Um, uh, heh-heh, welcome to our restaurant.

Heh-heh-heh, yeah, um, heh.

You like take my order?

[laughing]

Yeah, get me some nachos, buttwipe.

Ahh!Listen, you little... twerp.

This is my job.

This is how I make money.

Don'‘t screw with me.

Now how '‘bout using some manners?

Manners suck.

Hey, Butt-Head, don'‘t screw with him, yeah.

Yeah.

[laughing]

He sure does like to touch.

Yeah.

He tried to touch my wiener.

What!

You little liar!

Back off you pervert.

He'‘s lying!

Hey, don'‘t you dare lay a finger on my students.

Beavis, did he hit you?

Um, yes, sir, he did.

Thank you for your concern.

Why you little dirtball!

You wanna touch my students?

I'‘ll touch you!

[Mr. Manners] I'‘ll get you, you little punks!

Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Thank you, drive though, heh-heh.

[Mr. Van Driessen] Stop it, stop it!

[Mr. Manners] You'‘re dead, hippie.

You'‘re going to jail, jackass!

You'‘re going down, Woodstock!

Take that, you fascist!

You'‘re hurting me, security!

♪♪

Listen up, morons!

[announcer] And with a voice of a generation...

Let'‘s burn something.

[laughing]

They changed a nation.

That looks cool, now.

[thunderclap]

They changed the language.

Bunghole!Assmunch.

Buttwipe.Butt dumpling.

And they changed television.

This sucks, change it.

Now Beavis and Butt-Head make DVD history

with a three-disc state of the art, fully-loaded box set.

You said, "“Whoa."”

[laughing]

I am Cornholio!

[screaming]

Beavis and Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection Volume One.

Come to Butt-Head.

classic cartoons including previously unreleased on DVD.

Cut it out, asswipe, that hurts.

Uh...

All hand-picked by Mike Judge.

That guy'‘s old.

Plus music videos.

[Butt-Head] This guy's dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.

Damn it, Pantera, this beer is warm, get me another one!

And a featurette that includes an interview with Mike

and a revealing look at the history of Beavis and Butt-Head.

Beavis and Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection Volume One

Available now.

♪♪