900x12 - The Mike Judge Collection 203

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- My name is mr. Candy.

My, what a nice-looking group of students.

Who can tell me what I'm holding in my hand?

- Uh, your nads?

- Yeah.

- No, my right hand.

- Is it a candy bar?

- It's more than just a candy bar.

It's the future of your school.

Now, who'd like a candy bar?

Who would like candy bars?

- Over here.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause I've got them here with me today,

And I plan on giving them all out.

But there's a catch.

I'm not giving them to you to eat.

- Um...

- I'm giving them to you to sell.

- Uh...

Selling candy is a fun way

To help yourself and the school.

- All right, losers, remember,

You are competing against other classes,

And I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose.

- Now, our candy bars are personalized

With your school's name on the wrapper.

And they're a real bargain at only $ each.

Heck, they practically sell themselves.

Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world--

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Mumbling]

- Yeah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Heck, they practically sell themselves.

[Groaning]

- Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls.

Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say

When a customer says no.

- I'd say, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

[Mumbling]

- Blah, blah, blah.

What do you say when a customer says no?

You seem to know it all.

Blah, blah, blah.

- Well, I wish you luck.

But it seems we're out of time.

[Doorbell buzzing]

- Yeah?

- Our school's making us sell candy.

- Yeah.

We're losers. Yeah.

- What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?

You boys couldn't sell $ for cents.

- Uh, they're $, sir.

- Yeah, don't try to rip us off, buttwipe.

Yeah.

- Hmm.

Well, I've only got $.

- Buy one from me.

- No way, buy one from me.

Cut it out.

Get out of the way.

- I'll, like, sell mine for half price, sir.

- Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

- Half price?

Well, now you're talking.

Here, why don't I take one from each of you.

You boys better start charging full price.

I'm sure your school can't afford to lose money.

- Selling stuff sucks.

- Yeah.

Hey, beavis, I'll buy one of your candy bars for $.

- No way.

They're $, butthole.

- Uh, then can you, like, loan me $?

- No way, 'cause then you'll have, like, $,

And i, like, won't have any.

- Come on, beavis.

I'll buy one from you.

That way, you'll sell a candy bar.

Plus, you'll have $.

- Okay.

Cool.

Yeah.

Let me have some.

Come on.

- No way.

I'll sell you one for $.

- Okay.

- This town sucks.

We're never gonna sell any candy.

- Hey, butt-head, you should try one of these.

They got peanuts. It's really good.

- Oh, yeah?

Cool.

Hey, beavis, want to buy a candy bar from me?

- Um, okay.

You want to buy one from me?

- Uh, okay.

Selling candy's pretty cool.

- Yeah.

- Excellent job, class.

- Hey, butt-head, remember that dollar I borrowed to you?

- Oh, yeah.

I remember it.

- Yeah, me, too.

Oh, yeah, i, like, need it back.

- Well, boys, let's see.

The big sellers.

How'd you do?

- We sold every one of them, dude.

- Yeah, they practically sold themselves.

- Well, maybe there's hope for you yet.

- [Yells]

Don't touch me, asswipe.

- So where's the money?

- Right here, dude.

- Yeah, here you go.

Yeah.

- That's it?

There had better be

A hell of a lot more money than that, boys.

- Nope.

That's all of it, dude, $.

- Yeah.

You can count it if you want.

- I don't believe you.

I want you to give me everything you've got in your pocket.

- [Chuckles]

Hey, beavis, he wants what's in your pocket.

[Laughing]

- Yeah.

He's a pocket fisherman.

- Oh, no.

You're not gonna pull that again.

It took me six months to get another job.

Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp.

- He's trying to touch my wiener!

Let go, pervert.

- Kick him in the nads, beavis.

- You, too, you little farter.

- What the hell are you doing?

This is my class.

I do the ass-kicking around here.

- Wait your turn, jarhead.

[Grunts]

- You just made a fatal mistake, mr. Candy-ass.

I hope you know something about hand-to-hand combat.

- Oh, you're going down, soldier boy.

- [Grunts]

- Kick him!

- Kick him in the butt.

- Kick him in the nads.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Check it out, beavis, a wedding.

- Whoa.

So what?

- So we got to go.

Dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

Let's go against the wall over there.

- No butt-munch.

We got to go to the wedding.

In every wedding, there's, like, this bride chick.

And then right after it's over,

Everyone gets to make out with her.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Plus, I heard that, like, chicks put out

On their wedding night.

It's, like, a law or something.

- We're there, dude.

[Laughing]

- This is gonna be cool.

- This music sucks.

- Yeah.

I wonder when that bride chick's gonna get here.

Whoa.

Come to butt-head.

- Yeah.

Me, too.

It's working, butt-head.

It's working.

She's coming right to us.

Yeah. - Settle down, beavis.

I heard she's all dressed in white,

'Cause, like, she's never done it before.

- Oh, yeah.

So, like, shouldn't we be wearing white, too?

- Hey, baby.

- Yeah. Hey, baby.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you going?

- This sucks.

- Oh, look at her train.

- Yeah.

Check out the caboose.

- Yeah.

- Oh, god.

They must be friends of the groom.

- Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today

To join sarah and howard in holy matrimony.

- Howard?

Who's howard?

- Probably one of those dorks up there.

- Yeah.

Howard.

Howard.

- Oh, god.

They must be friends of the bride.

- So I must emphasize, of course,

That when we see sarah and howard up here,

We're not looking at two individuals joining together.

- This sucks.

What's going on?

- Yeah, really.

Come on, hurry up.

- Let's turn to the vows, shall we?

Howard, do you take this woman to have and to hold--

- Yeah, yeah.

I do.

- Yeah, yeah, me, too.

Yeah, to hold.

[Snickers]

I want to hold her butt, yeah.

- And, sarah, do you take this man

To have and to hold from this day forward?

- No way.

Take me.

- I do. - Yeah, yeah, over here.

Over here.

- Okay, okay.

All right, well, if anyone here knows

Of any reason why these two should not be joined together,

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

- Uh...

I know a reason.

- [Gasps]

- 'Cause he's a dork.

- Yeah.

- Hey, baby, why don't you join together with me instead?

[Crowd gasping]

- All right.

Let's save it for the reception, g*ng, okay?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Ushers.

Ushers.

- Hey, we were here first, bunghole.

- Hey, let go of me.

Hey, cut it out.

Damn it. - Hey, cut it out.

- Well, lookee there.

Someone's getting married.

Hell, I remember when I got a weekend furlough

From the service

Just to make an honest woman out of you.

Remember that?

- Yes, dear.

- Being married must suck.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, beavis, I just thought of something.

If you get, like, married,

Then you'll always be hanging out with the same person.

- Oh, yeah.

- Saying all the same crap for, like, years and years.

- Oh, yeah.

- That would suck.

- Oh, yeah.

- Take my hand, honey bunch.

- Pull my finger, butt-munch.

- Oh, yeah.

[Laughing]

[Idyllic string music]

[Aggressive rock music]

♪

- Oh.

- Nausea again.

That horrible clawing, pounding, aching.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me too.

- It couldn't be morning sickness.

But what about these cravings?

My god.

I'd better not be pregnant.

Jake!

Get me some nachos!

The contractions-- contractions.

It's coming out.

[Groans]

I can feel it.

[Groans]

- Hey, butt-head, when people get pregnant,

They have to be chicks, right?

- Huh?

- Ow.

[Groans]

- Yeah, I stopped by to get one of these home pregnancy tests.

So I guess if it changes color,

I'll be looking just like you in no time.

- Hey, beavis, you should get one of those.

- Shut up, butt-head.

I don't need one of those.

- What's your problem, dumbass?

I was just telling you to get some food.

- Oh, yeah, food.

Food, food, food, see?

- I keep losing my temper for no reason,

And I feel like hell.

- Really?

I find myself craving the strangest food.

- Vegetables?

- Well, lately, I've been feeling like a total klutz.

- [Screams]

- Uh...

You dork.

- Hey, butt-head, you know how those women got pregnant, right?

- Uh, oh, yeah.

[Chuckles]

- They had to, like, do it, right?

- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

They did it.

- Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

I was just, like, testing you and stuff.

Ow!

- Girl, I can't believe you went

And got yourself pregnant.

- You can get yourself pregnant?

[Screams]

Give me one of those.

- What's with you, beavis?

You look like you're pregnant.

- Ow!

- What the hell are you doing in there, butt-munch?

- I'm just, you know--

I'm, like, you know, not doing anything.

[Snickers]

The chick said it changes color if you're pregnant.

Let's see.

"Antes de que empee-say la pruebla."

Okay.

Let's see.

Maybe it goes here.

Ow.

No.

Let's see.

[Snickers]

You're supposed to pee on it.

[Zipper opening]

Ah.

It better not change color.

It turned yellow.

[Screams]

No!

Hey, butt-head, I know this guy who, like,

Wants to know what it's like if you, you know, have babies.

- What a dork.

- Oh, yeah.

He's a real dumbass.

But, like, you know, he's, like, you know, really wondering.

- It's, like, you're always wiping up crap

And getting puke all over you.

- Cool.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

- But then you have to watch all these, like,

Barney videos and stuff.

So you don't get to watch any cool tv

For, like, years or something.

- Whoa.

Having babies sucks.

- But we already have three kids, honey.

I'm not sure we can afford to have this one.

- We'll find a way, darling.

Because the more children we have,

The more love.

- Life: the beautiful alternative.

- [Grunting]

Give me another epidural, you moron.

Don't you tell me I only feel pressure.

I feel pain.

Pain, you little turds!

[Screams]

- Quick, an episiotomy.

- [Screams]

- Contraptions!

Contraptions!

[Screams]

Its coming out! I can feel it!

[Screams]

- [Chuckles]

- [Screaming]

[Dull splash]

[Snickering]

[Toilet flushing]

That was cool.

Hey, how's it going?

- Okay, now to willard for the weekend weather.

So tell us, willard, weather or not?

- These guys think they're funny.

But they're really just, like, stupid.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like when you think you're pregnant,

But you really just have to take a big dump.

- Yeah.

[Laughing]

- [Sighs]

- Boys, some of our customers have been complaining

About our french fries.

Holy cow.

What are these brown chunks in here?

- Hmm.

I think those are caterpillars, sir.

- Caterpillars are green, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

- Hey, that's that grasshopper.

- Grasshopper?

- Yeah.

He won't be bothering the customers anymore, sir.

- Yeah.

We caught him taking a dump on one of the tables.

Yeah.

- What in the hell is this?

- Oh, yeah.

Remember when I had that band-aid on

For, like, two weeks.

And then you, like, pulled it off.

And I went...

[Screams]

- Cool.

- I want the oil changed in this fryer.

And I want it changed before you leave today.

- Fryer, fryer, fryer.

- This sucks.

How come that manager guy always makes us do work?

- Yeah.

That oil was just getting cool, too.

- There it is, dude.

Uh...

We need to change the oil.

- Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait,

That would be fine.

- Okay, pull your car in.

- Uh, car?

- Yeah, what do we need a car for?

- Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil

If you don't have a car?

Oh, I get it.

You're do-it-yourselfers.

- Uh, beavis is a do-it-yourselfer.

- Oh, yeah.

[Snickering]

- So you guys work at burger world, huh?

I once applied for a job there.

How'd you guys get in there?

- What's this crap?

- All right, I'm gonna give you a quick how-to.

I guess if you're gonna get in at burger world,

It's not what you know;

It's who you know, huh?

- Uh, yeah.

Right. - Yeah.

Me and butt-head know each other.

Yeah.

- Okay.

First you open your drain to let out the old stuff.

Make sure you dispose of it properly.

That stuff is toxic.

- Cool.

- When you're done,

Remember to check it with your dipstick.

[Snickering]

- Dipstick.

- Okay.

Lesson's over, no charge.

But it's bucks for the oil.

- Uh, no.

- Yeah, we're not gonna give you any money.

- No cash, huh?

You guys work at burger world.

I guess you're good for it.

Here, I'll set up an account.

You can just sign for it.

- Oh.

In that case, we want some candy bars, too.

- Yeah, and some naked lady air fresheners, yeah.

It's gonna rule.

I can't find any drain.

Oh, wait a minute.

[Laughing]

- This work sucks.

And that mechanical dude was a big dumbass.

- Yeah.

Hey, let's just scoop it out.

Ow!

- [Groans]

- Ow! - Ow!

- Hey, beavis, check it out.

"Improved performance." - Yeah.

No thermal breakdown.

- Yeah.

Remember to check it with your dipstick.

- No way.

I think it's ready.

- [Laughing]

- [Scatting]

[Woman screams]

- Hey, where is everybody going?

- Yeah.

[Man coughing]

- Uh, I don't think we should go back in there, dude.

- Yeah.

Remember, he said we couldn't go home

Till we changed the oil.

- Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Let's get out of here.

- Yeah.

- Burger world will remain closed,

Pending fire officials' investigation.

- Cool. - Yeah.

News rules.

- And in a related story,

A mysterious oil spill has shocked environmentalists

Throughout the world.

- Cool.

- It's a major disaster in the aegean sea,

Affecting local fishermen off the coast of greece.

- Cool.

He's talking about grease, butt-head.

- Yeah.

Whoa, check it out.

They're using the same oil as us.

- Oh, yeah.

They forgot to put the breading on it.

- Yeah.

Those environmental guys are dumb.

- Yeah.

- I bet that fish tastes like crap.

- Yeah, really.

[Rock music]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪