900x15 - The Mike Judge Collection 206

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- Come on, butt-head. My turn.

Give it to me.

- No way.

Huh-huh.

Uh!

That was cool.

- Come on, butt-head. Let me do it.

You're gonna drain it. Come on.

- Get your own, butt-munch.

- That is mine, butt-head. I found it.

- Oh, yeah.

Uh!

Whoa.

- Yeah.

- Hi, guys.

- Uh, hey.

- We seem to have a little problem.

Could you guys maybe, like, help us out?

- Yeah. We'll take you for a ride.

[Giggling]

- Yes! - Yeah.

- This is gonna be cool.

- And we're gonna score.

- This is gonna be cool.

- Yeah.

These chicks want to party with us.

- So, uh, is this the one?

- Yeah.

Looks like you got a flat here, ma'am.

- Yeah, I know. Could you guys fix it?

- Uh, uh,

Fix it, beavis.

- Um, okay.

Yeah.

- Uh...

- [Blowing]

[Chuckling]

- Whoa. Head rush.

Hey, butt-head, do my ears look funny?

- Did you fix it?

- Uh, what? Oh.

Um, I think so.

- Cool. Let's go.

Okay, baby. We're all set.

- Yeah, let's go. Come on, let's party.

- What do you mean "all set"?

I haven't even given you the keys to the trunk yet.

You got to put the car on the jack

And throw the spare on before you can be done.

- Ah!

- Uh, oh, yeah.

- Oh, oh, yeah.

Whoa.

Check this out, butt-head.

Jack, ass.

Jack, ass. Get it?

You see what I'm saying?

- Get off, butthole.

- Ah!

- [Grunting]

Damn it, beavis. These chicks are horny.

Now get in there and make it snappy.

- Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

- Uh, so, like, what do you see?

- Um, I see, like, rocks

And, like, some pavement

And, um, a bug.

- Flip over, you dumbass.

You're supposed to be looking at the car.

[Chuckling]

- Hey, what's taking so long, fellas?

Is everything all right?

- Uh, I guess so.

[Grunting]

Now look what you did, dumbass.

- What?

- You broke it, beavis.

Get out here and put this back before they see.

- Oh.

Sorry about that.

- Hurry up.

[Grunting]

This sucks.

- I know.

- Maybe we could, like, just get in and say it's done.

- Then we could score before they notice, yeah.

- Cool.

- Flat tire, huh?

- Damn it.

Uh!

- [Grunting]

- You guys are so stupid.

I hope you two paid attention,

Because this will come up again.

- Uh, yeah.

So, like, if you'll excuse us,

There's still work left to be done.

- Yeah. Go away, diarrhea.

- This is gonna be cool.

- Yeah. We're gonna score!

- Thanks, guys.

- You guys are never gonna get any.

- Hi, fellas.

- Uh, how's it going?

- Yeah. Remember us?

- We seem to have a little problem.

Could you guys, like, maybe help us out?

- Yeah. We'll take you for a ride.

[Giggling]

- Yes! - Yeah.

- This is gonna be cool.

- We're gonna score.

[Bluesy rock music]

♪♪

- Well, class,

This will be my last day as your teaching assistant.

I just wanted to say a few words of good-bye

To the young women here.

This has been the most depressing experience

Of my career.

I have never encountered a more sexist classroom.

I pity you, and I fear for your futures.

That is why I am urging all of you young females

To join the sisters of the highland society for women.

We will be meeting at the community center

To discuss our plans to picket cineplex ,

Which continues to debase womankind

By promoting films featuring actresses

With breast augmentation.

- Hey, butt-head,

I think that chick up there wants us.

- Yeah, probably.

- ...will be a chance to meet feminist leaders.

The kind of inspiring women who refuse to prost*tute themselves.

- Whoa, prostitutes.

Those are like those chicks who do it for money.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that would be cool.

- Uh, hey.

Does that mean they do it for money?

- No.

These women offer their services to the community

Strictly for free.

- We're there, dude. - Yeah.

[Chuckling]

- And that is why we're also beginning a grassroots campaign

To change the spelling of the word woman

To w-o-m-y-n.

We're not just men plus two little letters anymore!

[Cheers and applause]

- Um, hey, butt-head,

Isn't that sign spelled wrong?

- Cool.

Stupid chicks really put out.

- Yeah.

- Welcome to the highland society for women.

Would you like to sign our mailing list?

- Uh...

- Hey, did you know your sign is spelled wrong?

Yeah.

[Indistinct chatter]

Whoa, look how many chicks there are, butt-head.

- That's cool.

I didn't know this town had so many sluts.

- I'd like to open the second half of tonight's meeting

Of the highland society for women

By welcoming two important new groups.

The first is the highland sisterhood

For militant feminism.

[Applause]

The second is two young non-women

Who have joined us from highland high.

It is encouraging to all of us

That you have decided to mend your ways

And join us in the fight against the patriarchy.

[Applause]

- Hey, butt-head, I think they want us.

- Yeah.

We're gonna score.

- Hey, butt-head, if these chicks, like, do it for free,

Then how come there aren't any other guys here?

- Damn it, beavis,

We've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free,

And all you can think about

Is how come there aren't more guys here?

- Yeah. How come?

- Beavis, I'm a little disappointed in you.

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Whoa.

Uh, so you chicks want to, like,

Get it on, or something?

- We prefer to be referred to as women.

- So,

You, uh, women want to get it on?

- Jerk!

- Wussy.

You can't even score with chicks who do it for free.

- No way, butthole.

They were just playing hard to get.

It's supposed to, like, turn us on and stuff.

- Oh, yeah. It's working.

Hey, butt-head, check them out.

- I am drawn to them,

As if by a power greater than my wiener.

- Women right now.

Yeah, women right now!

So, um, do you want to do it?

Ow! Ah!

Hey, butt-head, what the hell is going on?

- Damn it, beavis, if you want to score,

You got to be smooth, dumbass.

Uh, hey, baby.

- Hey, baby. Where are you?

- And as I stand at the scene of the brutal b*ating

Of two sex-crazed teenagers,

I can only thank god that these brave feminists

Have finally realized that the only way

To deal with male chauvinism is by fanatical v*olence.

- Yeah, yeah, v*olence, v*olence!

Ow!

- Hey, beavis, when those chicks were kicking me,

I, like, touched their thingies.

- Yeah, me too.

And, like, one of them touched my nads with her fist.

It hurt, but it was still pretty cool.

- Yeah.

We got to go back.

Next time I'm gonna touch their butts.

- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- We now return to a very special baywatch.

- Oh, no!

Mitch is drowning,

But all I have on is this white t-shirt.

- We interrupt this program with a special news bulletin.

- Damn it, beavis.

That's the last time I let you touch the remote.

Give me that. - No way, I didn't change it.

- Domestic v*olence reared its ugly head today in the town...

- Ah!

- Damn it, beavis. Give me the remote.

- No way.

- ...where a shocking m*rder has taken place.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

- We now cut live to the scene. Mike.

- Thanks, don. That's right, I am live.

But I'm also about the only thing live here.

A man has allegedly k*lled his brother

Right here in this apartment behind me.

Apparently the older of the two brothers

Had a history of abusing his younger sibling,

And authorities are speculating that the younger brother

Finally resorted to m*rder

To put an end to his years of torment.

Police are asking this normally quiet community

For their cooperation,

Asking citizens to stay away from the grizzly scene

And avoid the urge to come and see things for themselves.

- Hey, beavis. I know where that is.

- Really? We should go check it out.

- Yeah. That's a good idea.

- Thank you very much.

[Humming]

Hey, butt-head, where are we going again?

- Beavis, do I have to smack you upside the head

And b*at some sense into you?

We're going to check out that place

Where that guy k*lled his brother, dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

- It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.

- Hey, don't call me buttknocker, butt-head.

I'm serious.

- So I wonder why that dude k*lled his brother.

- Yeah. He must've been really pissed.

- That's no excuse, beavis.

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- I bet his brother probably, like, stole his woman

Or his nachos or something.

- Yeah, probably.

- Maybe he k*lled him with his butt.

- Yeah.

Or maybe he k*lled him with a turd.

- Uh, that's really stupid, beavis.

Buttknocker.

- Damn it, butt-head, stop calling me buttknocker.

- Here it is, dude. - Yeah.

Looks just like it did on tv.

- Yeah.

Uh, this is stupid.

What the hell is this doing here?

This isn't gonna keep anybody out.

- Um, it isn't?

Oh, yeah.

- Turn on the light, buttknocker.

I can't see anything.

- Stop calling me buttknocker.

- Beavis, you butt-munch.

Turn on the light before I kick your ass.

- Okay, that's better.

- This is cool.

So where do you think he k*lled him?

- Hmm, let's see.

It looks like he fell.

I'd have to say he d*ed right about here.

- Oh, yeah.

- Whoa, check out this thing. I bet he hit him with this.

- Don't be stupid, beavis.

That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.

- Oh, yeah.

Whoa. Hey, I got the remote.

Let's see what's on tv.

- Beavis, I told you

I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore.

Now give me that, buttknocker.

- No way, and stop calling me buttknocker.

- Give it here before I kick your buttknocker-ing ass.

- Stop calling me that, butt-head.

Stop it! - Buttknocker.

- Shut up, butt-head. Shut up.

Ah!

I'm gonna k*ll you, butt-head.

I swear to god I'm gonna k*ll you.

- Oh, yeah? You and what other buttknockers?

- Shut up, butt-head. - Buttknocker.

- Shut up! Stop it! - Buttknocker, buttknocker...

- I'll k*ll you, butt-head! - Get him!

- Yeah, son of a bitch!

Oh, come on, let me go!

I'm gonna k*ll butt-head. I'm gonna k*ll him.

No!

- That was cool.

- Hey, how's it going?

- You know, your friend beavis' fingerprints

Are all over everything.

It's making things kind of hard on us.

With your help, we can book this kid beavis

And keep the press off our backs.

- Yeah, really.

I know where you're coming from, man.

Yeah, it's like--it's like, sometimes butt-head just like--

It's like, he keeps calling me buttknocker, and he won't stop.

And it pisses me off.

And I tell him to stop and he won't stop

And he just keeps calling me buttknocker

And then he won't give me the remote and--

- Okay, follow me, girls.

- [Groaning]

- So you're sure that's him?

- Yes, officer, that's the buttknocker,

Right in the middle.

- You know, he threatened to k*ll you.

That's pretty serious stuff.

Would you be willing to press charges?

- Press what?

- Charges.

You know, you fill out a form

That explains everything that happened.

- Uh, I don't want to fill out forms and stuff.

- Are you sure?

'Cause if you don't,

We'll have to let him go without any kind of punishment.

- Uh, that's okay, dude.

I'll just kick his ass later.

- All right. Let 'em go.

- [Chuckling]

Buttknocker.

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- Give me a pack of menthol s and a lottery ticket.

- Hey, beavis, there's a chick.

- Yeah.

Go talk to her, butt-head, come on.

- Uh, you can have this one, dude.

I'm gonna wait for something better.

- Yeah. I think she wants me anyway.

Yeah.

- Go talk to her.

- Um, okay.

Yeah.

Talk to her.

Yeah, I should do that, huh. Yeah, that would be cool.

- We're gonna score.

- Yeah.

- Hey, you boneheads,

You come in here every friday night,

You stand there for six hours scaring off my customers,

And all you ever buy is one damn soda.

- Uh, yeah?

- You little turds will never get near a woman.

Now finish your sodas and get out.

- Uh, maybe that guy is right, beavis.

- Yeah, we probably should buy something else.

Like something to eat.

- Uh, how much money you got?

- Uh, never enough damn dimes.

- Uh...

- [Humming]

- Uh, hello?

- Um, hey!

- Uh, we want, like, some service or something.

- We want some service, damn it!

- Whoa.

- Is anyone gonna ring us up? What's going on?

- Uh...

Don't worry, dude. I know how to work one of these.

Check this out.

Evening, ladies. Will that be all for you?

- Come on, butt-head, I was here first.

- Damn it, beavis, can't you see I'm working?

So, uh, would you like anything else with that ladies?

- What in the hell?

Police, this is maximart.

I got a robbery in progress?

- Sir, are they armed? - Armed?

Uh, yeah, they're armed.

Aren't all kids armed?

- Okay, where are you now? - I'm in the back room.

- Okay, well, just stay there. We'll send some men right over.

- I got 'em now.

- Uh, let's see.

Damn it, I've done this before at burger world.

Uh, I'll be with you ladies in a minute.

- I was first, you know,

But you can go.

That's the kind of guy I am.

- Attention!

We have the place surrounded.

- Whoa, check it out.

Maybe they're gonna, like, sh**t someone.

- Cool.

[Sirens wailing]

- Steady, steady, boys.

I don't want a lot of bloodshed.

[Telephone rings]

- I'll get it.

Hello. Maximart, may I help you?

- Listen, this is police captain finelli.

We don't want anyone to get hurt.

You tell us your demands,

And we'll work this thing out together.

- Uh, hello?

- Just tell us what you want. Anything.

- Really?

Hey, beavis, he says we can have anything we want.

And he's a cop.

- Get nachos.

Yeah, get some nachos.

- Uh, could we have some nachos?

- Nachos? Uh, okay.

- That would be cool.

And, uh, like,

Some burritos and corn nuts.

- Yeah, yeah, and some string cheese, yeah.

- Uh, can we, like, give some stuff to these two chicks?

[Heavy metal music]

♪

- Uh, would you care for a wiener?

- Where the hell are the cops? What are they waiting for?

You sons of b*tches, get out of my store!

I got a g*n back there.

You come in here again, I'm gonna use it.

All: freeze!

- Uh...

[Chuckling]

- My nads!

- Captain, they're clean.

- No g*ns?

- Uh, that guy inside, like, threatened us with a g*n.

- Really?

- Yeah, he said he was gonna sh**t us.

That's how this whole thing started.

- Well, I think we've been had, boys.

Let's go in and get him.

- Yeah, sarge, let's get him.

- Let's get him, come on! - b*at him to a pulp!

- Get in there!

[All yelling]

- Wait, what are you doing?

[Chuckling]

You think I'd rob my own store?

Hey! Ow!

- Well, you boys made it through a rough ordeal

And you managed to keep your cool.

You should be proud.

- Yeah, we're pretty cool.

- Yeah.