900x16 - The Mike Judge Collection 207

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

All: and finally, we promise to reach out to negative teens

And lead by example.

- Amen.

- Now don't say "amen" in school, son.

- Sorry, dad.

- Kids, we've had a real terrific year.

We cleared pounds of broken bottles

From the student parking lot.

We sang carols for senior citizens.

- That old man hit me in the throat with his cane.

- He was old and confused, ryan.

And we gathered cans of food for the poor.

I'd say that deserves a big p.a.t. Cheer.

How about it?

[Cheering]

But there's one group who needs positivity more than anyone:

Your fellow teens.

So today I want us to go over to detention

And help some kids in need of help.

[Cheering]

Greetings, coach.

The positive acting teens and I were wondering

If you'd let us take these boys off your hands

For a little positive rehabilitation.

- [Chuckles] hands.

- Rehabilitation?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Beavis and butt-head, do you wish to be rehabilitated?

- Um, no.

- Well, that's too bad then,

Because I order you to follow mr. Graham

And his so-called positive acting teens

The hell out of here, now!

[Cheering]

- But what if you could go into the future

And either give geordi his normal sight back

Or make data a real human being--

Which would you do?

- [Chuckles] "wood."

- Yeah. Boner.

- I'd fix geordi's eyes, because data's just an android,

And so he won't actually miss not being a human.

But geordi knows what it's like to see,

So he misses it the most.

- No way, I'd make data a human being,

Because geordi sees better without real eyes anyway.

- Yeah, but that's besides the point.

- No, it's not. - You're such a dummy, max.

- You're the dummy. - Shut up!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. Fight!

- Yeah, kick his ass. - Dad!

- Hey, guys, cool it, okay?

- That's my dad. But don't worry, he's cool.

- Really?

He doesn't look cool.

- So, beavis and butt-head,

You boys ready to do something positive?

- Uh, no.

- Yeah, no thanks.

- Well, we understand, don't we, kids?

It's real hard to get jazzed up about positivity

Until you've tried it.

But being a positive acting teen is all about new experiences,

Open mindedness, and change.

- Um, change sucks.

- So now we're gonna change a littered stretch of highway

To a clean stretch of highway.

[Cheering]

Come on, guys, high five!

All: ♪ michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Sister help to trim the sails ♪

♪ Hallelujah

- Hey, butt-head, check it out, a hubcap.

- Cool.

Throw it here, beavis.

- Yeah.

All: ♪ hallelujah

- Ah!

- Dad, dad! What happened?

Oh, my gosh, dad!

- Whoa.

Is he dead?

- You k*lled him!

- It was the truck's fault.

- [Sobbing] dad!

- Uh, you guys, like, go be positive and stuff.

Me and beavis are gonna go notify the next of skin.

- I am the next of kin.

He's my dad, remember?

- Oh, yeah.

Uh, your dad's dead.

- It wasn't our fault. It was the truck's fault.

Yeah.

- Dad!

- So, uh, I guess he won't mind if we go now.

- Dad!

- Come on, beavis. - Yeah.

What a crybaby.

- For today's positive activity,

You're gonna wash my wagoneer.

- Um, that's not what my dad said we were gonna do.

- Your dad's not here, boy,

And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up,

I'm gonna positively k*ll you!

- Are you sure?

- Uh, I'm positive.

[Chuckling]

- Well, you just better start to remember.

Mr. Buzzcut says I can keep you in detention

For as long as it takes.

Beavis, you hell spawn, do you know where my credit cards are?

- Um, no, sir.

Positively not.

- Positive.

[Chuckling]

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

[Chuckling]

- Damn it.

There's got to be a better way to get chicks.

- Yeah, it's like,

I really thought this one was gonna work this time.

- Yeah.

Hey, beavis, let's check out the bathroom.

Sometimes they have good advice on the walls.

- Yeah, cool.

- Whoa, check it out.

[Chuckling]

"Spanish fly."

Whoa, that's that stuff that makes chicks horny.

- It makes chicks horny? Really?

Cool! Let's get some.

Yeah.

- Uh, okay.

Hey, beavis, now we can, like, have any chick we want.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is gonna rule.

- We're gonna score.

[Chuckling]

Hey, beavis,

If you, like, abstract a chick,

Then I can, like, stick it in her taco.

- No way, butt-head,

We have to, like, give her the spanish fly first.

- What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?

- Um, oh, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, hey.

- Yeah. How's it going?

- Is there even one reason

I should acknowledge your presence?

- Um, uh--

Um, well, um-- what?

- Uh, you look pretty hungry.

- Actually, I suddenly lost my appetite.

- Uh, no you didn't.

I mean, uh, you shouldn't, like, waste food and stuff,

'Cause there's, like, starving people in, uh,

Indiana, or something.

- Yeah, yeah.

For pennies a day, we can end the suffering.

- I'll catch you later.

- Uh, hmm.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Check this out.

[Chuckling]

Uh, so, like, that milk looks pretty good.

- Yeah.

- I bet it's, like, very refreshing and stuff.

- Yeah, yeah. Drink it, drink it, come on!

- What the hell are you talking about?

It's not even mine.

- Uh...

Uh-oh.

- Oh, no. Let's get out of here.

- Uh, yeah.

I think it's time for class or something.

- Uh-oh, check it out, butt-head. That's him.

- Oh, no. He's getting naked.

- Yeah, yeah.

That spanish fly stuff must be working.

[Chuckling]

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- Uh, I'm, like, sick and stuff,

So, like, I wouldn't want you to get too close.

- Yeah, me too.

[Coughs] see?

Ah, don't touch me!

- What did you say?

Man, you guys are really starting to piss me off.

- [Grunts]

- Whoa, he's really horny.

- Beavis and butt-head!

Why in the hell aren't you undressed yet?

- Uh, because a man wants to have sex with us.

- Shut up and get in the gym now!

The sport of wrestling represents competition

In its purest form.

Man against man.

- Uh...

- Now, tommy, since you're about the only student in this class

With a physique that doesn't make my colon clench,

I want you to choose an opponent.

- I choose this little punk.

- Wait a minute. No way.

- Damn it, beavis, you have been challenged.

Now get down on all fours.

- No, no!

- Tommy, mount beavis now.

- Ah! Help! He's got a boner!

Ah! Get off me, fartknocker!

Ah! Ah!

Help! He's trying to do it with me.

Cut it out! - Kick him in the nads, beavis.

- Whoa. That was cool.

- Beavis, get back here.

- Hurry up, butt-head.

Let's get out of here before he tries to screw us all.

- That stuff really works. - Yeah, yeah.

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- Remember, sexual harassment can be defined

As any sexual interaction, be it verbal or physical

That makes its victims uncomfortable,

Or makes it difficult for them to work.

- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

- Now, I don't want to mention any names,

But it seems that some of you could use a little

Sensitivity training on this issue, okay?

Does everyone understand what I'm trying to say here?

Beavis? Butt-head?

- Uh, sort of, 'cause, like, right now,

I'm being, you know, sexually harassed by kimberly.

- What? - Yeah, me too.

She's giving me a stiffy.

- Yeah, and it makes it, like,

Uncomfortable for me to work and stuff.

She usually harasses me at least once a day.

- Yeah, four or five times a day for me, sir.

- Mr. Van driessen, do I have to sit near these guys?

- Ooh, yeah-ya.

- That's right, baby.

- Mr. Van driessen, make them stop.

- Guys, that's just the kind of thing I'm talking about.

See, right now, you two are harassing kimberly.

- No way.

- Chicks can't get stiffies.

- Come on, guys. This is serious.

In the real world, people go to court

And sue for millions of dollars over this kind of harassment.

[Light bulb buzzing]

- Whoa. - [Giggling] yeah, yeah.

- Millions of dollars?

- This is gonna be cool.

- And what would be the basis of this sexual harassment suit?

- Uh, she keeps harassing us

By, you know, giving us stiffies.

- Yeah, yeah.

Like, um, like, just yesterday, when she was writing something,

I could, like, lean over and, like,

I could check out part of her boobs.

- I see.

Uh, tell me, is the young lady in question,

Uh, well-off financially by chance?

- Uh, I don't know.

She never talks to us 'cause, like,

She's one of those rich chicks.

- Yeah.

- Gentlemen, this is exactly the type

Of reverse sexual harassment case

In which the constitution of the united states of america

Is being thrown right out the window.

- Cool. - Yeah, throw it out the window.

- Boys, we are going to sue the girl.

We are going to sue the teacher.

We are going to sue the school system.

And we are going to sue the girl's parents.

- Whoa, that rules.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- And furthermore,

We are going to put a restraining order on that girl,

Making it illegal

For her to come within feet of you boys.

- Uh, that would suck.

- Yeah, I need her to be a little closer than that.

- So, uh, we're not gonna have to, like, go to court, are we?

- Gentlemen, I believe we can win this case

Without even going to court.

- Order, order.

Counselor adler, you may begin your opening statement.

- Your honor, I will prove beyond the shadow of a doubt

That my clients are the victims

Of a cruel campaign of sexual harassment.

Imagine yourself a student in school,

Losing your one chance at a decent education

Because some young woman of questionable morals,

Some vile temptress repeatedly arouses you to the point--

- I didn't do it! I didn't do it!

- Of course you didn't.

It's obvious that the guilty party here

Is that young lady right over there.

- Objection.

- Overruled!

- Sustained. Watch it, counselor.

- Now, I know this is difficult, but tell me, if you can,

About the pain that kimberly has caused you.

- Uh, so it's like,

You know, she's a chick.

- And how would you describe this chick?

- [Chuckles] a hot chick.

- Yes?

- Well, she's always, like, harassing us

By being so hot every day.

- Oh, yeah.

- And it's hard to concentrate and stuff.

- [Giggling] "hard."

[Chuckling]

She's doing it again. She's doing it right now!

- What is she doing?

- Um, she's giving me a stiffy.

- Giving you a what?

- Heh, you know...

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

- He has an erection.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's all her fault.

- Order. Order!

Shut up!

You, you, and you, in my chambers now.

- Your honor, my clients' constitutional rights

Are being trampled by this closed-door session.

If we aren't returned to the courtroom immediately,

We are going to sue you.

We are going to sue the state.

- Mr. Adler, have you ever been jailed for contempt of court?

- Uh, I believe that was among the charges, yes.

- Well, that was a picnic compared to what'll happen

To you if you don't shut up right now.

As for you two, in all my years on the bench,

I have never seen such a cynical, manipulative,

And ultimately pathetic attempt to subvert the judicial system.

Two sexist ignoramuses such as yourselves

Have no business tying up the--

- Uh, wait a minute.

[Giggles]

Now, you're harassing us.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, me too.

[Chuckling]

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- This sucks.

- Yeah.

We need, like, more money.

- Uh, good thinking, beavis.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

You know, it's like, it's pretty cool how, like,

A dollar isn't that much, but it's like...

- Uh... - If you get, like another one--

- Uh... - And, like, another one--

It's like, pretty soon you can, like, get some nachos.

It's like, we need a machine where you can, like,

Put a dollar in, and it's like, you get another dollar out,

And it's like, then you can take that dollar

And put it back in the machine, and, like,

Get another dollar--ah!

- Shut up, dumbass. I've got, like, an idea.

- Yeah, yeah, me too. That's what I'm saying.

So you've got to listen to me, butt-head.

It's like this machine that, like, makes money--ah!

- Check it out, beavis.

Our problems have been solved.

We're gonna be rich.

Uh, we'd like ten copies of this dollar bill, please.

[Chuckling]

- Hey, man,

Are you aware that you're asking me to commit a federal crime?

- Uh, no.

It's for, like, school,

For a class on, like, money and stuff.

- Yeah, yeah. It's called money--

Money--it's called money and chicks.

- That would be cool.

- Yeah, yeah, it's like, first the teacher gives us, like,

Some money, and then we, like,

Get to go score with all these chicks.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

You should sign up.

- Uh, beavis--

- Then after we score with the chicks, we get more money.

And then, like-- and then, like, more chicks

'Cause we have more money, and then we get more,

More, more--ah!

- Whatever.

You can use those machines in the corner.

[Chuckling]

- Whoa.

More.

Yeah, more.

Whoa!

Money.

Whoa!

More.

- This is cool.

I can't believe no one's ever thought of this before.

Check it out.

- Yeah, yeah.

We're rich!

We're rich! Money, money!

Money!

Check this out, butt-head.

Hey, check it out.

See?

Huh? I like to help the kids.

You know what I'm saying?

- Uh, pretty smooth, beavis.

Why don't you let a real man handle this?

Uh, hey, baby.

Like, uh, take it off.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Uh!

Ow.

- [Giggles] wussy.

- At least she touched me, dillhole.

No, beavis, get the big burrito.

We're rich.

- Oh, oh, yeah.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

- Uh, here you go.

- Son, are these counterfeit bills?

- Uh,

Why do you ask?

- Son, I've got a mind to throw you out of this store.

- Uh, maybe this will change your mind.

- I don't think you understand.

I could have the cops in here to bust you.

- Uh, here you go.

Let's just, like, forget all about it.

- Do I look like a moron?

Why don't you get the hell out of my store?

- Uh, maybe you'd like to reconsider?

- Yeah.

- Get out!

- Ah, what are you doing? - Get the hell out!

- Butt-head, he's ripping up all of our cash!

- Get out! - Ah! Ah!

- Give it back, butthole.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Damn it, I want my nickel back.

- Don't worry, beavis, there's more where that came from.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You can, like, rip up all our money,

'Cause we're just gonna go get more,

And you can't stop us, butthole!

- Yeah.

Uh, we'll be back.

- Money.

[Chuckling]

- Damn it, we need, like, another dollar.

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

That guy tore all of ours up.

- No, dumbass, I mean, like, a real dollar.

We spent all our money on those copies.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah?

- Uh, so can we, like, borrow a dollar?

We're, like, doing some extra credit

For, like, this one class.

- Yeah, yeah.

It's called, um,

Can I borrow a dollar--

Can I borrow a dollar?

Yeah, it's about sharing.

- Yeah.

We'll, like, give it right back.

- Yeah. Money.