900x21 - The Mike Judge Collection 302

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

People, I'm very disappointed with these test scores.

[laughing]

We scored.[laughing]

Yeah.

No, Butt-head, that's my point.

You didn't score.

You got a zero.

Now, I know you people are bright enough,

so I'm guessing the problem lies elsewhere.

So today, I want to show you how to realign

your mind-body energies through simple meditation, okay?

First I'll assume the lotus position.

There, okay.

Now, now--

Ahh!

My neck!

Oh, my God!

Somebody call an ambulance!

Ow!Whoa!

[laughing]

I thought school was gonna suck today.

Yeah![laughing]

[school bell ringing]

Cool.

I win again.

Paper kills scissors.

Ow!

[laughing]

Boy, you're pretty good at this game.

Good morning, everybody!

I'm Jim the substitute.

Sorry to rush you, but we're gonna be dead in years

and that's barely enough time to learn anything.

Let's start with these things.

A textbook gives you a hernia, not an education.

Whoa![laughing]

Cool!

[laughing]Yeah, yeah!

[laughing]

Lesson one, people, enthusiasm!

If you can't get into what you're doing, why do it at all?

What's your name?

Uh...

[laughing]

Joe.

[laughing]

Joe, Joe what?

Uh, Mama.[laughing]

Joe Mama!

Ha ha ha, hey, that's great!

Lesson two, be creative!

What's your name?

Um, um...

Jack.

[laughing]Okay, Jack.

Jack what?

Um, um... Jack Mama.

[laughing]

All right, fair enough.

Well, no points off for trying.

How about you?

Hugh G. Rection.

Ha, that's marvelous, you?

Ogyny.

Miss Ogyny.

Miss Ogyny.

Hey, that's wonderful, I like this class!

[laughing]This guy's a dumbass.

He'll believe anything.

Yeah, really.[laughing]

I'm gonna stick around for this.[laughing]

Check it out, Butt-head.

Somebody left their locker open.

Let's close it for 'em.

[laughing]

Let's close it again.

Yeah!

[laughing]

A good reader is like a lover.

Attentive, passionate.

Who wants to make love today?

Hey, Beavis and Butt-head!

What'd you think of those old Superman comics I loaned you?

Uh, we gave them to this kid after

he showed us a dead deer.

[laughing]Yeah.

It was all bloated and stuff.

I poked it.

[laughing]Mm-hmm, wise choice, men.

Life experience beats book learning hands down.

Hey, what's this?

It's a diorama based on Walt Whitman's poem,

"Cavalry Crossing a Ford."”

We made it for you.

For me?

You all did this for me?

Together, after school.

We didn't do it![laughing]

Yeah we don't do stuff like that.Yeah, really.

Oh, you want me to get pissed, right?

Like the system says.

But I'm gonna break that little rule and tell you

something you've probably never heard before.

[man] I believe in you.

I believe in you and I trust you.

Come over here and I'll prove it.

Okay, you stand here.

Butt-head, stand here.

Now I'm gonna show you something.

I trust you.

Ah!

Whoa!Yeah!

[laughing]

Ambulance...Um...

I think we were supposed to catch him, Butt-head.

[laughing]Oh, yeah.

Dumbass.

Ambulance...Whoa!

Check out his eyes.

[laughing]

[school bell ringing]

With just a few exceptions, people,

I'm impressed by the progress on these test scores.

[laughing]We scored.

Yeah.[laughing]

No, Butt-head, you didn't.

We'll talk about it later.

Right now, we're going to talk about Emily Dickinson.

[laughing]

Open your textbooks to page , the poem

entitled "A Narrow Fellow in the Grass."”

[laughing]

Okay, now...

Huh?

Oh!

[Mr. Van Driessen] Please get help!

[man] Oh, ow!

School has gotten a lot cooler lately.Yeah.

[laughing]I'm getting, like,

instra-sted in learning or something.

[laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

Damn it, what's taking so long?

Beavis, you need to, like,

be patient and stuff.

[laughing]Oh, yeah.

[laughing]Ahh.

That's better.

It's about time, dude.

Sorry, fellas.

I was trying to take care of a little business

back in the latrine.

Sure wish I could tell you not to go in there, but old TA's

having a little trouble cranking the cables these days.

[laughing]

You were taking a dump.

[laughing]Yeah.

Plop!

[laughing]

I wish.

Listen, I need you to do me a little favor.

As you can see, I got the bum wheel.

Had a little accident in the garden yesterday,

and well, with the missus up in Oak Lawn seeing her Aunt Kaye,

I'm gonna need you to go down to the drug

and discount and get my pills.

And here's a list of some other things I need.

Prep H, fiber, cigs, Beer Nuts.

Turkey TV dinner.

Uh, would you like some more toilet paper, sir?

Yeah.

[laughing]T.P. for your bunghole.

Well, as a matter of fact, I would.

Just make sure you get the soft kind.

And go ahead and pick up something

for yourselves, too.

Cool.

[laughing]Plop.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis.

Check it out.

"“Spermicidal lubricant with a reservoir tip.

Ribbed for her pleasure."”

Yeah, yeah, I could use some of those, yeah.

Ah!

Doing-oing-oing- oing-oing-oing!Come on, buttmunch!

We gotta, like, get Anderson's stuff.

Uh, okay.

Uh... Pera...

Per-- per...

Feeb...

Feeb... Drizzle?

I think we need to get some of this.

Uh, oh, yeah, we do.Yep.

You can never have too much of that.

[laughing]Yeah.

One of these.

Shopping rules.

[laughing]

Uh, you got a prescription there, son?

Uh, I guess.[laughing]

Yeah, um, we're supposed to pick up some dr*gs.

Well, maybe I better have a look at that, huh.

Uh, yeah, maybe you better.

[laughing]

Ah, yes, Tom Anderson.

How's he doing, anyway?

He's having butt problems.

[laughing]

Yeah, me too, I poop too much.

That's too bad.

Well, this is gonna take a few minutes.

Why don't you go ahead and finish up?

I'll have it ready when you're done, okay?

Yeah, cool![laughing]

Let's go buy some more stuff.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Where do you keep the p*rn?

[laughing]

[laughing]

Little bit of this.

Some of these.

Whoa, this is cool!

Sluts laying all over motorcycles.

Really?

You should buy it.

Yeah.

Uh, oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Hey, check it out.

We're buying rubbers.

See?

[laughing]

Yeah.

[laughing]

Hi.

Hey, baby.

[laughing]

This isn't enough money.

Uh, really?

You're gonna have to give me more money

or else put some things back.

No way!

Look, I don't have time for this.

You're gonna have to put some items back.

Uh...

[laughing]

Come on, let's go, while we're young?

Uh, okay.

[laughing]Uh, let's see.

Here.

Take this one.

[Beavis] Yeah, that's for your butt.

[laughing]

Keep going, keep going.

Okay.

[Beavis] Um, you can have this, too.

[laughing]Yeah, and this.

Here, he probably has some napkins or paper towels.

[laughing]

Anderson was cool to let us buy this stuff.

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head.

This chick has three boobs.

That's pretty cool.

How many butts does she have?

[laughing]

Um, I don't know.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's her stomach.

Hello, boys-- is that you?

Hello?

Damn it, damn it!

What in the hell's taking so long?

Boys?

♪♪

♪♪

[man on TV] ...starting to give those who survive, now get only a frac--

Do you like the taste of cold beer?

Damn straight.Yeah, yeah.

[laughing]Yeah.

[man on TV] Are you drunk right now?

Um...

Well, you wouldn't be if you were drinking The Edge.

That's what beer-drinkers drink when they're not drunk

and you don't have to be to buy The Edge

because The Edge is % non-alcoholic.

Whoa, cool!Yeah, yeah!

You don't have to be !

And The Edge gives you all the fun you expect from a beer.

Beavis, we gotta get some of that stuff.

[laughing]Yeah.

Yeah, yeah!

We're gonna get some beer!

It's really gonna happen!

Yeah, can I help you?

Uh...

[laughing]

Yeah.

We're gonna buy this beer and get drunk.

Yeah?

Well, you can't buy beer unless you're .

Let me see some ID.

Oh.

Well, uh...

We left our IDs in the truck.

Yeah, yeah.

[laughing]

The truck.

Oh, you guys are buying that pee water.

I guess I can sell that crap to you.

That's right you can sell it to us.

[laughing]

We're old.

Yeah, yeah.

[laughing]

We really fooled that guy.

What a dumbass.

Hey, he didn't give us any straws.

Butthole.

You don't drink beer with a straw, dillweed.

Shut up, bunghole.

I know how to drink beer.

Okay, then shut up and drink, dumbass.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah.

Ahh!

Bleh!

Wussy.

I'll show you how a man drinks beer.

Uh...

That's good beer.

[laughing]

Yes, sir.

[laughing]

Check it out.

We're wasted.Yeah, yeah.

Yep, I'm starting to feel it.

Yeah.You know, Beavis,

it doesn't get any better than this.

[laughing]

[police siren]

[laughing]

Cop.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[laughing]Cop.

Are you boys drinking beer?

Uh, yeah.Yeah, yeah.

[laughing]We're fit-shaced.

[laughing]

You boys look a little young.

I'm gonna have to see some identification.

Check this out, Beavis.

[laughing]

You have the right to remain silent.

Yeah, yeah.[laughing]

You have the right to shut up or I'll kick your ass.

Looks like I've got two intoxicated minors here.

I'm gonna have to give you boys a sobriety test.

Uh, no way.

[laughing]

I'm too drunk to take a test.

Yeah, me too, yeah.

No, you idiot.

This is a test to see how drunk you are.

Really?

[laughing]Cool.

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-head, I bet I'm drunker than you.

No way.

All right, put your cans down and stand up.

First, I want you to close your eyes,

tilt your head back and touch your nose.

Uh, you better not try to steal our beers.

I said close your eyes and touch your nose!

[laughing]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm closing my eyes and touching my nads.

[laughing]This is easy.

[laughing]

Okay.

Now I want you to say the alphabet backwards.

Can you do that?

Oh.

Uh, okay.

Uh....

A.

Uh... b.

Uh... a?

Uh, no, what comes before B?

Um, should I take my hands off my nads?

I mean, um, you know, I don't have to, you know.

I'm fine.

Yep, you boys are definitely intoxicated.

I'm gonna have to confiscate your beverages

and bring you downtown.

Uh... oh, yeah.

We don't want to forget the beer.

Yeah.[laughing]

I want to knock back a few on the ride downtown.

Wait a minute.

This stuff's non-alcoholic.

Check it out, Butt-head.

I'm full![laughing]

You guys aren't drunk.

You're just stupid.

[laughing]

We're not drunk?

This sucks.

Yeah, I knew we weren't drunk, though.

'Cause you know, I've been drunk before.

No, you haven't dillweed.

Yes, I have.

One time I, like, went around and, like,

found a bunch of empty bottles, you know,

and, like, drank the stuff at the bottom.

It was cool.

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, maybe we just need

to drink more to get drunk.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

[laughing]

Um, are we there yet?

Damn it, Beavis, does this look

like Las Vegas?

Um, I don't know.

I've never been there.

Whoa!

Cool.It's a chicken.

No, it's not, butt-wagon.

[Butt-head] It's too small to be a chicken.

Maybe it's a nugget.

Yeah.[laughing]

You should eat it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, um...

Good lord, is that a wounded baby bird?

Yeah.Yeah!

And I'm gonna eat it.

Now, don't you boys worry.Ow!

We'll get that poor little bird to the hospital

in no time, don't you worry.Ahh!

Uhh!Ahh!

Hurry up, get in there, I'll go park the car!

[laughing]

We don't treat humans here.

Uh, he's not human.

Whatever.

Then, where's the garbage?

Oh.

Fill this out and go wait in there.

You have to fill out a form just to throw

something in the garbage?

That sucks.

Beavis, you're a stupid dumbass.

[laughing]

Uh, here, you hold it.

Okay.

Na... name.

So, is this your first time here?

Yeah.

[laughing]

[Butt-head] Butt-head...

Would you like to pet my Poopy?

Um...

Um, no thank you.

[Butt-head] Symp-- Simpsons?

Uh, they're pretty cool.

Don't worry, she's not going to eat you.

Ahh, no!

Hey, hey, hey!

Bad Poopy!

Bad Poopy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Bad Poopy, bad Poopy!

Yeah, give me that bird before I kick your ass!

[Beavis] Bad Poopy, bad Poopy!

Uh, spe... species.

Butthole.

[laughing]

Well, I'm afraid it doesn't look good for your bird.

Uh, are you sure?

Maybe you should, like, lean over and look again.

[Beavis] Yeah.

[laughing]

No, I'm afraid that even if you take your little bird home,

even if you feed him, he is still going to die.

Do you understand?

He's going to die anyway.

Uh...

That's cool.Yeah.

[laughing]

[man] Never say die, boys.

There's always a chance.

And even if--

Well, just never say die.

Die!

Die![laughing]

Uh, I guess we better feed it.

Umm why?

[laughing]

Don't you pay attention, Beavis?

That lady with the big boobs said to,

and then it's gonna die.

Oh, yeah.

[laughing]Let's give it a burrito.

Birds don't eat burritos, dumbass.

They eat, like, worms.

Okay.

Let's see here.

There you go.

Uh, why do have worms in your pants, Beavis?

Um, I don't know.

They were just there.

Feels pretty cool, though.

[laughing]

Okay, Beavis.

Uh, chew 'em up and spit 'em

into its beak, just like on TV.

Um, can we melt some cheese on them first?

Damn it, Beavis, the longer you stand around doing nothing,

the longer this bird's gonna live.

[Tchaikovsky's "“Swan Lake"” playing]

[chirping]

This sucks.

[laughing]

Well, you've done a good thing, boys.

But now it's time to let this bird

spread his wings and fly.

Go on without me.

I can't watch.

[chirping]

[laughing]

Spread.

[chirping]

Uh, today, you are a man.Yeah.

[laughing]

Spread 'em!

Hey, Butt-head.

You flipped the bird.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah.

♪♪

♪♪