900x22 - The Mike Judge Collection 303

[bunniefuu]

(laughing)

♪♪

(school bell ringing)

(Mr. Van Driessen) All right, then, class, see you tomorrow.

And girls, remember, you need to go

to Mrs. Dickey's class next, okay?

She's gonna be showing "A Woman's Body."

(laughing)

Uh, what was that about seeing a woman's body?

It's an educational film, Butt-head,

just for the girls in the class, all about their personal

needs and special experiences as women.

Yeah, um, when's it showing again?

Never mind, Beavis.

This film is only for girls, okay?

As soon as we women have a little privacy,

we can start the movie.

(laughing)

Hey, how's it going?

This film is for girls only, boys.

Uh, that's okay, ma'am.

It's nothing we haven't seen.

Yeah, um, besides, Mr. Van Driessen said we could see it.

Yeah, he said it would be good for us to learn,

you know, more about chicks

and their boobs and stuff.

Oh, really?

Well, I think I'll go and ask him if that's true.

So any of you chicks want

to make out during the movie?

(laughing)

See-- there they are.

Boys, why are you here?

I never gave you permission to see this film.

Uh, we just want to see it for, you know,

educational reasons.

Butt-head, I appreciate your newfound love of learning,

but I don't think this is the appropriate subject

matter for you, okay?

It's a very personal film about women's bodies.

Uh, that's okay with us.

Yeah, yeah. (laughing)

Well, it's not okay with us.

Now leave us alone.

Okay, wait a minute.

Boys, are you serious about wanting to see this film

for educational reasons?

Uh, yeah.

(laughing) Yeah.

Well, you know, maybe watching this movie

would be helpful to Beavis and Butt-head.

What?

If we took some of the mystery out of the female body

and its functions, they might develop a more mature

perspective on sexuality.

Uh, yeah.

(laughing) Makes sense to me, yeah.

(Mrs. Dickey) I really don't think these boys are--

(Mr. Van Driessen) Their minds are just crying out for knowledge

and as teachers, we shouldn't deny them

a potential learning experience.

Look, it'll be fine.

I'll sit with them while the movie plays

and discuss it with them afterwards, okay?

All right, then.

But I'm warning you, it's pretty graphic.

(laughing)

Ahh!

(laughing)

(woman on TV) Meet Kathy.

She's and there have been many changes in her body

as sheblossoms into womanhood.

(laughing)

(woman on TV) Here's how Kathy looks naked.

Whoa! Oh!

(woman on TV) Her body probably looks a lot like yours.

Kathy met her boyfriend John at school.

Like most boys Kathy's age, John is slower

to mature than she is.

Like many teen couples, Kathy and John are sexually active.

Yeah, yeah, here we go, yeah!

Do it! (laughing)

Also, like many teens...

(Beavis) Do it!

...they don't always take the proper precautions.

(John) But I don't want to wear a condom.

I should know better than to have

unprotected sex with you,

but... okay.

(woman on TV) And that's how John impregnated Kathy.

(Beavis) Come on, ah, yeah!

(woman on TV) Soon Kathy came down with the first symptoms

of morning sickness.

(laughing)

Cool. Yeah.

(laughing) Yeah.

As months passed, Kathy's waistline swelled

to double its earlier size.

Her breasts also increased in size...

Whoa!

(woman on TV) ... and became more sensitive.

Cool. Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

Boing-oing-oing-oing -oing-oing-oing!

(woman on TV) And then, nine months later...

Keep breathing, you're doing fine.

You're going to be fine, darling, now push.

(woman) Push, push!

(woman) I see the head.

Push!

It's a girl.

(Kathy) Thank God.

Let me hold her!

(woman) First we got to clean her off.

Nurse, please clamp the umbilical cord.

(woman) Yes, Doctor.

One more push and there's the placenta.

(man) Good girl.

Oh... Ahh!

Ahh, ahh!

(baby crying)

Well, boys, I was sorry to see

you leave the room during the miracle of birth.

You missed a beautiful sequence on nursing

and beginning the mother-daughter bond.

Uh...

Maybe I can persuade Mrs. Dickey

to let you watch the rest of the film on your own.

Uh, that's okay, dude.

Yeah, really.

That was pretty disgusting. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know it looked like that.

Morning sickness sucks.

(laughing) Yeah, really.

I'd much rather just have morning wood.

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

(man) Now, if we multiply both sides of the equation by X,

we have an exponent of three.

Now...

What in the hell is that noise?

Beavis and Butt-head!

What in the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, my God, you two little turds have got lice.

Uh, huh?

What?

Bugs!

You've got bugs in your hair!

You mean, like, daddy long legs and worms and centipedes?

No, idiot!

I mean scalp-biting blood-sucking,

disease carrying parasites!

Cool.

(laughing)

Yep, you boys have the worst case

of head lice I've ever seen.

Head.

(laughing) Yeah.

(laughing)

We've got bugs in our hair.

(laughing) Yeah.

Do you have any Tsetse flies?

Tsetse.

Well, these lice are pretty disgusting.

Here, I'll show you what they really look like.

Take a look under the microscope.

I don't see any bugs. Yeah.

Just look into the little hole.

(laughing)

Put your eye there.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(Beavis) Hey, Butt-head.

This one's taking a dump.

No, no, its laying eggs.

In fact, hundreds of them are doing

that on your scalp right now.

Cool.

(laughing) Now here's the name of a special shampoo

and a lotion for skin irritation.

You said "for skin."

Yeah.

Foreskin irritation.

You need to make sure you wash your hair thoroughly,

clean all your clothes and sheets in hot water

and boil your combs.

You've got to k*ll every one of those little bugs

or you'll never get rid of 'em.

Yeah, yeah!

(laughing) k*ll 'em!

Yeah. (laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah. (laughing)

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-head.

What does that note say?

I think we have to, like, buy a subscription

to a special shampoo or something.

No way!

I'm not gonna spend money on shampoo.

(laughing) Yeah.

Let's k*ll these bugs the old-fashioned way.

(laughing)

Yeah.

(laughing)

Ow!

What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?

I'm kicking the bugs' ass!

Yeah, yeah!

(laughing) Ow!

I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker!

Ow!

Now get up.

We gotta, like, use an "infesticide."

(laughing)

Now hold still, buttmunch.

(coughing)

Hey, Butt-head, this stuff isn't working.

We need to, like, try something else.

Uh...

Okay.

Hey, Beavis, let's electrocute 'em.

Yeah. (laughing)

Hey, Butt-head, check it out!

This thing's got bug guts stuck to it.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Bug zappers rule.

Whoa!

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, that'll show you!

What about you, you want some too?

Come on!

Bunghole!

(laughing) Shut up and put your head in, dumbass.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Ow-- ow.

Damn it.

Um, this, like, doesn't work on people or something.

You dumbass.

You gotta, like, open it first.

Um...

(laughing) Oh, yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(screaming)

No!

Ahh, no!

Whoa! (laughing)

Hey, Butt-head, are they dead?

Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.

Um... wait a minute.

Damn it, I think I've got some more bugs on my nads.

Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?

(laughing)

Um...

I don't know.

Damn it.

Maybe you should stick your wiener

in the bug zapper.

Yeah, yeah. (laughing)

That's a really good idea, Butt-head.

Yeah.

Let me just get this down here.

Yeah, there we go.

Just undo that.

(Beavis) Ahh, no!

(laughing)

Dumbass.

(Beavis) No!

♪♪

Hey, Beavis.

How's that new soda?

(laughing)

It's pretty good.

(laughing)

Whoa.

Thirsty, Beavis?

(laughing)

Yeah, this stuff is really good.

Yeah.

(laughing)

(gargling)

This is cool.

(laughing)

(laughing)

I am Cornholio!

I need T.P. for my bunghole!

(laughing)

My bunghole will eat now!

(laughing)

You must prepare a feast fit

for the almighty bunghole!

Would you like a spatula?

For your bunghole?

(laughing)

You must feed the almighty bunghole!

Uh, hey.

Uh, how can I, uh, help you this tonight?

(Beavis) The almighty bungholio...

Hi, Immigration.

Uh, what?

Immigration.

(Beavis) The almighty bungholio...

It has to be on the menu, sir.

No, dumbass, I'm with Immigration.

Really, where?

Listen, I work for the government.

I'm just checking to see if there are any

illegal immigrants working here.

Uh...

Oh, you mean, like, Mexicans?

Bunghole!

Bungholio!

What's with him?

What the hell language is he speaking?

Uh, hmm, I don't know.

Hey, you!

Habla español?

Español-- es bunghole!

Habla bah habla!

Habla bunghole...

Hey, I'm talking to you!

Get back here!

(laughing)

Habla, blah, blah, blah, blah,

español for my bunghole... Hey, I'm talking to you.

I'm with the United Stated Department of Immigration.

Do you have any ID?

Do you have any T.P.?

T.P. for my bunghole?

Tienes sus papeles?

Tienes sus papeles!

(speaking gibberish)

Do you have a green card?

Are you threatening me?

Yeah, maybe I am.

I'm with immigration and if you don't show me

some proof of residency,

I'm gonna have to take you in.

You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!

For I have no bunghole.

I am the great Cornholio.

(laughing)

Where I come from, there is no T.P.

My people, we have but one bunghole.

Okay, so what do we know about this kid?

I picked him up at Burger World,

but he doesn't have any ID or anything.

Says his name is... Cornholio.

(Beavis) I am Cornholio!

What the hell kind of a name is that?

Is that his first name or last?

Oh, I don't know, it's the only name he gives.

Azucar! Cornholio.

Sounds Spanish.

Could be Italian, I doubt it.

(Beavis) The almighty bungholio...

Well, the little bastard devoured my taco and burrito

combo on the ride over.

Well, probably Mexican.

Says he's from Lake Titicaca.

Lake Titicaca?

Lake Titicaca.

Titicaca.

Okay, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.

Nicaragua! Nicaragua?

Agua for my bunghole!

Bunghole!

Oh, yeah, and he keeps saying he needs...

"T.P. for his bunghole."

What the hell's a bunghole?

Will you find out what a bunghole is?

You are a bunghole!

And so am I.

There will be more bungholes after me.

Here, I got the dictionary.

(Beavis) Bunghole!

"Bunghole" says, hole in a barrel or keg

for pouring in or drawing out liquid.

(speaking gibberish)

Bunghole!

This kid's messed up.

Just take him back to Mexico and drop him

off with the others.

Let the federales deal with him.

Okay, Cornholio, time to go back home.

Are you threatening me?

You will give me T.P.!

Bunghole!

Yeah, yeah, all right, I know your bunghole

needs T.P. We'll get you plenty of T.P.

just as soon as we get you back to Mexico

and your bunghole will be just fine.

I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.

Me too.

Come on, okay.

This way, Cornholio.

(Beavis) Yeah, the bunghole!

It is nothing to be ashamed of.

(man on TV) A new report shows that illegal aliens are crossing

into the United States at an all-time high.

The US-- What a dumbass.

But for the few that are caught, these illegal aliens

aredocumented and then returned to Mexico

only to try to cross again in an ongoing

and seemingly endless cycle.

No podría esperar hasta que salía del bus.

Ese chico tiene problemas, ese.

T.P. for his bunghole?

Papel para mi culo?

Que...

El gringo deber lavarse su culo.

Quiere cruzar mañana otra vez?

Ah!

Is this Nicaragua!

I will take this land for my bunghole!

Long live the almighty bunghole!

I am the great Cornholio.

There will be T.P. for every man.

My people, we have been without T.P.

No man should be without T.P.

♪♪

Uh, six.

Uh, seven.

Uh, eight.

Ahh!

Ow.

Butthole, why'd you make me do that?

Uh, because it was cool.

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Here, you do it.

(laughing) Ow!

That's not what I meant, you butthole!

I meant punch yourself in the face.

Okay.

Ow!

I missed.

(laughing) Damn it!

Whoa!

What, what?

Ahh!

Ahh, I'm bleeding!

Ahh, I'm bleeding!

Oh, no, ahh!

Beavis, this is the coolest thing

you've ever done.

Oh, yeah.

(laughing) Oh.

I'm bleeding.

Oh, I'm still bleeding.

Yeah, well, if I kick your ass,

you'll be bleeding from both ends.

Now shut up. Ahh, I'm bleeding!

Make it stop, make it stop!

Thanks.

Thanks, I needed that.

Damn it, Beavis.

Now you got blood all over my hand.

You're wiping blood on me!

Ahh, I got blood on me!

No!

Hey, Beavis, I got an idea.

Look at me.

(laughing)

(screaming)

Ahh!

Oh, oh, ahh!

Hmm.

Wait, I got another idea.

(laughing)

I'm gonna die.

Oh...

This'll make you feel better.

I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding, Butt-head!

What are you doing, what are you doing?

Uh, here, now breathe.

I'm bleeding!

Oh, no!

What are you doing-- I'm bleeding, ahh!

(laughing)

Cool.

(laughing)

Oh... I'm bleeding.

I'm... I'm bleeding.

Uh, now try drinking this water with your nose.

(choking)

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

(laughing)

(Beavis) Ahh!

I'm bleeding.

Oh, oh...

I'm still bleeding.

Calm down, Beavis.

(laughing)

(woman) Operator, may I help you?

Beavis is bleeding.

Excuse me, sir.

If this is an emergency, you should dial --.

This is --, information.

Uh, okay.

(laughing)

(woman) Operator, may I help you?

Uh, what was that number again?

It's --, sir.

I'll connect you, please hold on.

Uh, okay.

(Beavis) Oh, oh...

I'm gonna die.

(phone ringing)

(woman) This is emergency --, what's the emergency?

Uh, Beavis is bleeding.

You're calm, sir, that's good.

Now, can you tell me, where is your friend wounded?

Uh... his nose?

He's bleeding from his nose.

Is it broken?

Uh, no.

It's just, like, leaking.

Your friend has a nosebleed?

Uh, yeah.

A nosebleed is not an emergency.

Oh... oh...

Uh, don't worry, Beavis.

It's not an emergency.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh...

Butt-head.

I'm still bleeding.

I'm dying.

Stop whining, Beavis.

You sound like a girl.

Uh...

Uh, here's a quarter.

Could you, like, buy me one of those--

You know, those things you put in your thing when you,

you know, got your thing?

(laughing)

Ahh.

Yeah, that feels better.

Uh, yeah.

I feel kind of fresh.

Yeah, yeah, really.

(laughing)

I kind of feel free.

Let's go play some tennis.

Oh, yeah.

And then we could go horseback riding.

Yeah.

(laughing)

♪♪

♪♪

Uh...

(laughing)

Foreigners.

Words.

Plane crash.

Whoa, here's one!

Where!

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

(Beavis) Oh, yeah.

(Butt-head) Whoa, check it out.

If you look hard enough, you can see her...

You know.

(laughing)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I think I see it!

Yeah, yeah!

(laughing)

(Beavis) Um, hey, Butt-head, what does that say?

(Butt-head) Uh... gran... grand.

Open-- peen--

Peening?

"Grand opening."

Hey, Beavis, wanna go to the grand opening?

Yeah, yeah.

(laughing) Yeah.

(laughing)

Underwear for chicks.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-head, when chicks put

that stuff on, they're like, they're naked!

Yeah!

(laughing)

Oh, yeah.

And then, like, when they wear this stuff,

it's touching 'em, you know, down there.

Yeah. (laughing)

(laughing)

(Butt-head) That thing's gonna be on some chick's boobs.

Yeah.

It'll be on her boobs and we're looking at it.

(laughing)

Hey, Beavis, I just thought of something.

If we, like, touch that thing... Uh-huh?

And then some chick buys it and puts it on her boobs,

we'll, like, sort of be touching her boobs.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

We'll be touching her boobs!

Hi there, fellas.

You've been standing there all afternoon

and I'm getting complaints.

Yeah, yeah, we've been here all afternoon.

Check it out!

Chick's underwear!

Yeah. (laughing)

You can see through these ones. (laughing)

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to either go in the store

or get your butts out of here, all right?

Uh...

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, sure, no problem.

This is gonna be cool.

(Beavis) Boing-oing-oing-oing -oing-oing- oing!

(laughing)

Oh, my God.

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-head!

Hey, check it out!

Whoa!

Yeah!

And someday, a chick is, like, gonna

put her boobs right here.

Cool. (laughing)

This is where she's gonna put her butt.

Excuse me?

If you're not purchasing something,

please refrain from handling the merchandise, okay?

Yeah, Beavis.

(laughing) Thank you.

Oh, yeah, sorry. (laughing)

Whoa!

She's gonna try it on.

Yeah, yeah!

And we were touching it!

(laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

(laughing)

This might be the closest we've ever come

to getting some.

(laughing)

So how'd that work out?

Hey, Butt-head, we sort of scored.

(laughing)

Beavis, the more underwear

we touch, the more chicks we get to sort of feel up.

Yeah... yeah, yeah!

Boing-oing-oing!

(laughing)

♪♪