900x27 - The Mike Judge Collection 308

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

What I'm trying to get at

is to live your lives with passion.

Go out and seize the power.

Yeah-yeah-yeah, seize the power, yeah-yeah.

Hey, Beavis, seize my wiener.

[laughing]

Now we all have things we want, but we just never get.

Yeah-yeah-yeah, you see, Butt-Head?

I told you, see, this guy's making sense.

It's like, see, I wanna score and I want money,

but I never get it.

Dammit.

I'm gonna tell you how to get those things.

Come see me at Book World tonight.Whoa, yeah-yeah, cool.

We gotta go to this, Butt-Head, I'm serious.

Beavis, you dumbass, that guy's just--

Shut up, Butt-Head, I am gonna go.

And I'm gonna score.

I'm sick of never getting any.

And there's nothing you can say to stop me.

So there.

Uh, okay, Beavis.

Seize the power.

[laughing]

[door closing]Dumbass.

Thank you.

Sick and tired of not scoring.

What's taking so long, come on.

Thank you.

And hey, thank yourself.

Hi young man, how are you this evening?

I wanna get chicks.

And I wanna score...Whoa, whoa, slow down.

What's your name?

Um, um, Beavis.

Okay, Beavis, I can tell you're a young man

with a lot of potential.

But you need more confidence.

Remember, the miracle that is Beavis.

Now, I want you to tell me your name again

but with more confidence.

Go ahead, don't be afraid.

Um, okay, check this out.

I'm, uh, I'm Beavis!

All right, that's what I like to hear.

You've just taken your first step at getting what you want.

Confidence.

Now you've got to decide what you want to achieve.

Remember, it's in our moments of decision

that our destiny is shaped.

Um, I want like, um...

chicks and stuff.

Okay, and what do you want to do with them?

Um, I wanna touch their butt, and maybe their boobs, too.

That would rule.

I see.

Well, once you become a more assertive person, Beavis,

you can have anything you want.

The world is yours.

Yeah-yeah-yeah, but what about chicks' butts?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Here, take this copy of my book.

I'm giving it to you because

I think you're a good investment.

Yeah-yeah, thanks.

No problem.

Now just get out of here.

Seize the power.

[school bell ringing]

Does anybody remember anything

about the side angle side theorem?

I didn't think so.

[laughing]

It's important to take a moment to dream about

what you really want from life.

I want chicks.

Now Beavis?Ahh!

Dammit, you will listen when I'm talking!

No way.

I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you.

What the-- You get the hell out of here!

I'll see you in detention.

Okay, cool.

I'm gonna go get some chicks and some nachos.

[laughing]

Get out of the way!

Oh, Beavis, why aren't you in class?

You stay the hell out of this, McVicker.

I'm sick of you always telling me what to do.

What?

But I'm the principal.

I'm supposed to tell you what to do.

Yeah-yeah-yeah, you need to stop blaming others

for your, um-- for your denials and...

You're supposed to decide what you'd be or something.

[laughing]

"“McDicker."”

Butthole.

Take strong actions toward your goals,

and never forget what your goals are.

[doorbell chiming]

Um, I'm Beavis, dammit.

My goal is to get some nachos... right now!

I don't care who in the hell you are.

Nachos are two bucks.

Oh, yeah? Is that a fact?

Well, I'm Beavis, and I'm a miracle or something.

And I'm sick of all you people

getting in the way of my natural power.

Butthole.

[laughing]

I am the miracle that is Beavis.

Pretty cool.

♪♪

And you too can learn the secret

of unleashing your true power,

thus establishing your own powerful identify.

I was like, after I talked to him,

I really felt like I was...

you know, in charge of my life and stuff?

Cool.

Ow, ow!

Beavis, you're acting like a dumbass

and all you did was miss some good TV.

Really?

Well, maybe you're right, but still, you know...

that dude had some pretty good ideas, you know,

about how you can like be your own, um...

your own self and like, um...

Ow, ow, ah, ah!

Beavis, shut up and stop talking about the damn wuss.

Oh, yeah-yeah, sorry.

Whoa, check it out.

They're showing bare ass on TV.

[laughing]

Is this PBS?

♪♪

♪♪

So call now.

I'm so lonely.

Cool.

Does it count if, you know, do it over the phone?

Uh, yeah.

[man] Tired of being less than a man?

The Leibowitz Impotence Clinic

may have the answer to your problem.

So go ahead and call.

Leibowitz, we make it hard the easy way.

[laughing]

Im-potence.

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-Head, what is im-potence?

Uh, I think it means like when you can't score.

Whoa, really?

I think I have that.

Uh, oh yeah.

Maybe that place can help us score.

Yeah, yeah.

We need some help.

[laughing]

Hello, uh, Beav-- and uh, "“Butterhead."”

I'm, uh, Dr. Leibowitz.

Uh, my nurse tells me that you two

are having difficulty having sex.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.

Can you set us up?

Well, frankly, most of the men I see are in their s and s.

You ad said you could help us score, butthole.

At least give us some phone numbers.

Now calm down.

I understand how upsetting this must be for you.

Let's try to see exactly what the problem is.

Now I'm going to run some tests

to gauge your ability to become aroused.

Cool.Yeah-yeah.

Now I'm going to show you some photographs.

When you being to feel aroused, just raise your hand.

Now... hm.

Are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?

[laughing]

Yes, well, um, if you find that helps,

I think that would be an excellent way to think of them.

Cool.

Bring 'em on.

Yeah-yeah.

Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?

Uh, okay, um...

Here's the first image.

Yes, I'll take her.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I saw her first, dillhole.

Hmm.

Let's go on.

Whoa.Wha-ha!

[laughing]

Boing-oing-oing-oing...

Interesting.

Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time?

Didn't you find the image exciting?

[laughing]

Uh... Beavis' hands are busy, sir.

Hm, impotent, yet easily aroused.

This is a very intriguing case.

I'm going to need to run some more tests.

[laughing]

Okay, gentlemen, I'm going to show you some more pictures.

These machines will measure your precise level of arousal.

Whoa.Ah-ha!

[laughing]

Okay.

Whoa.Oh-ho!

[laughing]

I'm just gonna wait until you calm down a little

before I show you the next picture.

[laughing]

You know, I'm not gonna even bother with the next picture.

No way, hey, hey, wait, hey, no-no, I wanna see it!

Come on, come on, hey-hey, dammit!

Beavis, you dumbass, forget the pictures.

Pretty soon we're gonna score with a real chick.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Look, so far you've scored off the charts

on every arousal test I've given you, and frankly,

I'm stumped as to the nature of your impotence.

I think the next step is to give you full physicals.

Uh... what?

Just wait here, I'm going to send the nurse in.

See?

I told you, Beavis, we're gonna score with her.

Yeah, you're right.

It's really gonna happen.

[woman] Okay, why don't you both just go ahead

and strip down to your underwear?

[Butt-Head] Come to Butt-Head.

[Beavis] Yeah, yeah, come to Beavis, too, right now.

Boing.

Doctor, I am not going to touch them!

You deal with 'em.

Beavis, you Buttmunch, you scared off my chick.

No way, Butt-Head.

She was looking at me, we were gonna do it, you butthole.

[sounds of fighting]

[Dr. Liebowitz] Mankind needs me.

She was not your chick, Butt-Head,

she was looking at me.

Hey, Butt-Head, it kind of like sucked

that we didn't get to score with that chick.

Uh, yeah, kind of.

But at least now that we're not scoring with her,

we can like, you know, do other stuff.

Yeah-yeah, like we could look at these pictures again.

Uh, yeah.

These don't really look all that great.

Yeah, seems like they look better back in the office.

Maybe we should take more of this saltpeter stuff.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

Peter.

♪♪

♪♪

Doesn't it seem like everything the world could ever need

has already been invented?

Like there's absolutely nothing new out there.

Well, the truth is,

someone out there's gonna invent the next big thing.

Big thing.

Do you have an idea or an invention?

Something new that fills a need?

Uh... no.

If you do, call -Invent,

for help patenting and marketing your idea.

Whatever it is, don't be afraid that it's quote,

"“too stupid to succeed."”

[laughing]

So go ahead and call.

The fresh new idea you have

could be your ticket to millions of dollars.

Whoa, millions of dollars?

Yeah, yeah-yeah.

Yeah, money.

[laughing]

Come on, Butt-Head, hurry up and invent something.

Ahh!

Shut up, dillhole, you invent something.

And it better make us millions of dollars

or I'll kick your ass.

Um... okay.

Um, let's see, um...

Maybe a, um... some kind of a device?

Some gears?

This is hard.

I think that dude said we gotta like, invent something

that fills a need or something?

Oh, we need to score.

Yeah, but we've like tried everything already.

Uh... let's see, what do we need?

Uh...[laughing]

Uhh...

TV, uh, no.

Uh...

I guess we got everything we need right here.

Yeah, really.

Maybe there's something we can invent outside.

Um, I know.

Let's invent a tree.

Beavis...

We could build one out of lumber

and some x s and stuff.

And then we could like, tape some leaves-- ow!

See, that way, anyone who needs wood,

but doesn't wanna cut down his own tree,

could just like buy our tree and cut it down and then-- ow!

Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass?

Now quit wasting time.

We need to come up with a real money-making invention.

Okay.

[laughing]

Uh...

["”Also Sprach Zarathustra"”playing]Uh.

Uh...

Uh...

Whoa.

Beavis, I have just seen the next big thing

that will save all mankind.

What?

We're gonna be rich.

[laughing]

Come on, Butt-Head, hurry up, what's your invention?

[laughing]

["”Also Sprach Zarathustra"” playing]

[laughing]

Beavis, say hello to the "“Butt Scratcher ."”

Whoa, does it really work?

'Cause I could use one of those.

It's not for you, dumbass.

If we're gonna get rich,

we need some other dumbass to buy it.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

Maybe after we make some money, I'll buy one.

Sir, what if I told you I had an invention

that could change your whole life?

Something that could put a smile on your butt.

Yeah-yeah, you know, just because you can't

see your bunghole doesn't mean you shouldn't ignore it.

Dammit, boy, that ain't nothing but a wire hanger.

Uh... it's a Butt Scratcher , asswipe.

Five bucks for a hanger?

How stupid do you think I am?

Uh... well, let me ask you this.

Do you think your butt is stupid?

Boys, that's just a wire hanger.

You know it, I know it, and the Lord knows it.

Very funny, guys, now please leave me alone, okay?

Let me ask you a question, sir.

Is your butt important to you?

What-- Dammit, get the hell out of here,

you damn son of a b*tches!

Ah, dammit, get![laughing]

What do we do now?

Uh... I don't know.

Let's like go watch TV and let some other dumbass

come up with the next big thing.

Yeah-yeah, dammit.

Let somebody else do some work for a change.

I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody.

[laughing]

Whatever the next big thing is, it better not suck.

Yeah-yeah, really.

[laughing]

Whoa, check it out.

It's the Designer Imposter Body Spray commercial.

Whoa...

Hey, Beavis, I think I know what the next big thing is.

It's in my pants.

[laughing]♪♪

♪♪

[laughing]

Highways rule.

Yeah, really.

I wish I lived closer.

Whoa, Butt-Head, check it out.

I think it's unopened.

Don't just stand there, Beavis, go get it.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

[tires screeching]

[glass shattering]

[tires screeching]

You almost got k*lled.

[crashing]Oh, yeah.

Check it out.

A full can of root beer.

And I'm gonna drink it, 'cause it's mine.

Not yet, dumbass, we gotta shake it up first.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

If there's one thing I know about,

it's like, how to really like live it up and stuff.

Yeah-yeah, really.

Really do, yeah.

[grunting]

Um, Butt-Head, I think it's probably ready now.

Keep shaking, dillhole.

It's gotta be really, really shook up.

I know, but...

I've been shaking for a long time.

A really long time.

Just keep shaking it, Beavis.

Shaking it.

[laughing]

Yeah, but, my arm's getting tired.

Dammit, Beavis, why don't you just like

give up on life and stuff, you big baby.

It's like, I gotta do everything myself.

[grunting]

This is hard.

Yeah-yeah, that's what I was saying, Butt-Head.

Let's just open it up now.

Shut up, Beavis, it's not ready yet.

We need to like really, really, uh...

really, reallyshake it up.

Yeah-yeah.

Whoa.[laughing]

Yeah-yeah.

This is gonna be cool.Yeah-yeah.

This is like a good invention and stuff.

We could probably make some money off this.

You better not steal my invention, fartknocker.

Now get on.

[clanking]

When we open this can,

it's gonna be like, all cool and stuff.

What?

I said... when we open up this can,

it's gonna be like, all cool and stuff.

[laughing]Yeah-yeah.

Let's take it over behind the Maxi-Mart.

Uh, okay.

Wait, dumbass.

Oh.Ahh!

Ow.

Hey, Butt-Head, I think Todd saw that.

Yeah.

Cool.

What did I tell you little Webelos

about parking your bikes in my spot?

Uh... not to?

It was the can's fault.

Can?

Yeah, we're shaking it up.

Yeah, like-- it's gonna be cool and stuff.

Wanna shake it?

Yeah, I think I can accommodate you.

Whoa, really?

Have you met my car?

Ow!

Don't forget this, man.

Ow!

[engine idling]

That was pretty cool.

Thanks.

Oh, I don't think it's shook up all the way, man.

Mr. Slade...

Cut it out.

[Todd] Hold it, Slade.

You gotta be tired from shaking, man.

Let's give your little girlie friend a chance.

Yeah-yeah.

Hey! Ow!

I'm bored, let's go before I rip Goldilocks' head open.

Ow! Thanks.

Todd's cool.Yeah-yeah.

[tires screeching]He really helped us out.

Dammit, I can't shake it anymore, Butt-Head,

my arm hurts.

Wussy.

Uh, that's okay, I think it's ready.

Cool.

Here we go.

No wait, assmunch, it was my idea.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

[laughing]

Beavis, this is going to make it all worthwhile.

♪♪

[laughing]

Whoa, cool.

[laughing]

You were right, Butt-Head.

Of course I was, dumbass.

You know, I wish every day was this cool.Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪