900x30 - The Mike Judge Collection 311

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

[boy] Gee, Wally.

Dad said not to, and besides,

I don't want him to holler at me.

Beaver.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah.

Beaver kicks ass.

But it's like, um, that's not really what stuff

was like back then.

Yeah, it's like, if this was real and it was like the 's,

things would be all different and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

♪♪

[announcer] "“Leave it to Beavis."”

Starring, Mrs. Stevenson.

Butt-head.

And Beavis

as the Beavis.

Hurry up, the bus is almost here!

Hey, Lumpy.

[car horn honking]

Hey, squirt.

You ready to go to school?

Gee, Eddie... I don't know.

Are you sure you're gonna take me to school?

Oh, yeah, I will take you to school.

Uh, Beavis, I don't think you're supposed

to take rides from strangers.

I'm not so sure, Eddie.

I'm supposed to take the bus.

Come on, man.

Don't you wanna be cool?

Um, I guess so, yeah.

Well, get in then, you little goof!

So, Beaver.

The name's Beavis, sir.

Excuse me, Beaver.

Look, listen up.

For today's lesson,

you're going to buy me a pack of smokes.

But gee, Eddie, all I got is some milk money.

Well, squirt.

I guess you won't be drinking milk today.

Now don't you think you should go to work, dear?

No.

[laughing]

[Eddie] Okay, squirt.

Get in there and get me some smokes.

Um, are you sure I should be doing this, Eddie?

What did you say?

I said are you--[engine revving]

Listen, squirt.

You better get in there and get me some smokes

before today's lesson turns into ass-kicking .

[bell jingling]

Well, hey there, Master Cleaver.

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Well, I guess so, but all I know is I'm supposed to come

in here and buy some cigarettes.

Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddie now, would you?

Gee, how'd you know?

You're the third kid he's brought in this week.

Tell Eddie it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes

to a boy your age

and then, tell him that cigarettes cause cancer.

Yeah, but if I tell him that, he might get all sore and stuff.

And then he's liable to b*at me up.

Well, if he tries that,

you tell him that's against the law, too.

Hmm, I don't see my smokes in your hand.

He said it's against the law to sell 'em to me.

Besides, cigarettes cause cancer.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, I guess you just graduated to my next class.

Human punching bag class.

♪♪

[doorbell]

Can you get the door, dear?

I'm baking cookies.

Uh, okay.

[doorbell]

Uh, come in!

Good afternoon, Mr. Cleaver.

Oh...

Whoa!

What happened, uh, son?

It seems that little Beaver here

ran afoul of some asphalt.

Asphalt.

Who's at the door, dear?

Uh, our dumbass son.

Now, Ward, aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?

Hard.

[laughing]

On.

[laughing]

Oh, dear God, what happened?

You know, I think I saved your boy from certain death,

Mrs. Cleaver.

Oh, however can I thank you, Eddie?

[sniffing]

Mmm, you smell great, Mrs. Cleaver.

Oh, I was just baking some cookies.

Perhaps I could taste them.

Your cookies, that is.

Why sure, Eddie.

Why don't you come with me in the kitchen?

Have a seat, squirt.

[laughing]

Eddie is cool.

Those sure are some great looking cookies, Mrs. Cleaver.

Mmmm-mmmm.

Oh, Eddie.

All right.

Well, Beavis, I sure hope you learned a valuable lesson today.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[Eddie] I ain't saying not to that.

Say hello to my little friend.

[school bell ringing]

Okay, people.

Settle down.

Askowitz?[Askowitz] Here.

Butkis?

[Butkis]Yeah.

Beavis?

Butt-head?

I already told you.

I don't want to hear about Beavis and Butt-head.

If you have a problem with them, take care of it yourself.

But they haven't been in class for three weeks.

I'm very concerned, okay?

What do you want me to do about it?

Those kids are k*lling me.

When I think back on all the trouble they've caused me...

Oh, God...

Um, don't you think we should give their parents a call?

Do they even have parents?

Well, I'd have to assume so.

Ms. Tress?

Find Beavis and Butt-head's phone numbers,

call their parents

and find out why those two aren't in school.

Oh...

[phone ringing]

What in tarnation's a skyscraper?

It's a very tall building, Mr. Clampett.

What in tarnation's a building--

Ooh, of course, we cannot accept that.

Everyone knows the country's full name is "“Outer Mongolia."”

Good morning, Katie. Good morning, Bryant.

How are you?

Me-- I couldn't be better.

Yourself?

Just fine.

[Butt-Head] Damn it, everything on TV sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this sucks!

Maybe we should, like, get another TV.

Shut up, buttwad, I'm trying to watch this crap.

[phone ringing]

Um...

Hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.

Yeah... So make it stop.

Okay.

[man] That's right Bernie's still dead

and he's stiffer than ever!

It's "“Weekend at Bernie's Part "”!

Um... Um, who are you?

This is Highland High calling.

I'm trying to find out why Beavis and Butt-head

have not been in school for the past three weeks.

Oh, um.

Yeah, they're dead.

Ahhh...

Oh...

[intercom buzzing]

Ms. Tress.

[Ms. Tress] Sir, I have some bad news.

Beavis and Butt-head are... dead.

Oh, what?

No, it can't be.Oh, my God.

Oh... That's the best news I have ever heard.

Oh, oh!

Yeah.Oh, my God.

Well, I'll be damned.

It's finally over.How could it happen?

I knew it was gonna be either me or them.

Yeah!

I thought I'd never get rid of 'em.

Oh, yeah...

Oh!

Yeah!

[man] Please don't grant me any more wishes, genie.

It'll only make Dr. Bellows think I'm crazy!

No, it won't, Master.

Not if you're dressed like Socrates,

the wisest man of all time.

That wasn't driftwood, Pyle!

That was a statue I was carving for the colonel!

Damn it, we've seen all this crap before.

Yeah, yeah, this sucks.

Do those buttwipes actually think we're gonna sit here

and watch the same crap over and over again.

[man] Shazam, shazam, shazam!

[laughing]

Students.

I have sad tidings.

There's been a terrible tragedy

and I wanted you to hear it from me first.

[McVicker] Listen up!

Beavis and Butt-head are dead!

There will be an emergency faculty meeting

in the teacher's conference room in five minutes

followed by a brief party.

[laughing]

Woo... Yeah!

I realize you're all probably in a state of shock.

Two souls we knew very well have suddenly been taken from us,

but it's important that we let our emotions flow,

not bottle them up.

I know how difficult this must be for you.

Perhaps I'll start, okay?

The memories I'll always cherish of Beavis and Butt-head

are the times we got beyond the student-teacher relationship

and got to know each other as people.

This is a song I wrote especially for this occasion.

It's called "“Men."”

♪ Men have feelings too ♪

♪ May I share mine with you ♪

♪ The inner child cries from deep within ♪

♪ Nurture me brother ♪

♪ We both can win ♪

This is the worst song I've ever heard.

Yeah-- This sucks!

♪ May I share mine with you ♪♪

Ahh!

The thing to remember

about nature photography is to really--

He sure does like to touch.

Yeah.

He tries to touch my wiener.

What?

You little liar!

Back off, you pervert!

He's lying!

Hey, don't you dare lay a finger on my students.

Beavis, did he hit you?

Um, yes, sir, he did.

Thank you for your concern.

Why, you little dirtball!

You wanna touch my students?

I'll touch you!

I'll get you, you little putz.

Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Yeah, thank you, drive through.

Yeah.

[Mr. Van Driessen] Stop it-- Stop it!

[man] You're dead, hippie!

Okay, people.

It's obvious we're all a little overexcited.

I think I'll cool things down with a little song I wrote.

It's called "“Touch a Mountain,"” okay?

♪ Children of the earth rejoice ♪

♪ Each new day we have a choice ♪

♪ So touch a mountain ♪

♪ Climb a mountain ♪

♪ Feel a mountain ♪♪

Aw, damn it, I missed the turn!

[screaming]

[laughing]

That was cool.

Yeah.

That was cathartic.

Class, don't be afraid to let your feelings flow.

It's our memories that keep the spirits of loved ones alive.

Does anyone have something to share

about Beavis or Butt-head?

Anyone?

Daria, I've seen you talking with them.

Well, I guess it's kind of sad that they're dead and all,

but it's not like they had bright futures ahead of them.

I mean, I remember this time when I was walking home

from school...

There they were.

What are you guys doing?

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!

[laughing]

Get a life.

Now, works by the master painters of the century.

[laughing]

He said "“master painters."”Oh.

Yeah.

You guys'll never graduate.

Uh, never masturbate?

Graduate.

It's when you're all done with school.

You mean, like, school ends?

I rest my case.

Thanks for your honesty, Daria.

You're right, Beavis and Butt-head did have

a difficult journey through this life.

I can only hope that now they found

whatever it was they were looking for.

The important thing to remember when braising turnips

is not to let them over--

[man] ♪ Hunger for peace and brotherhood ♪

♪ Hunger for food that's pretty good ♪♪

[man] And now, back to "“Asbestos in Obstetrics."”

Damn it, this pisses me off.

If we don't see some boobs or some explosions or some--

Yeah, or poop!

That'd be cool... Poop!

Yeah, yeah, or, like, some butts.

Then I'm gonna, uh, get pissed off.

Yeah, really.

[excited chatter]

Señor Beavis y Señor Butt-head son muerte.

Sí , es verdad!

Felicidades!

They were a couple of dumbasses.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, people.

Let's show some respect, okay?

Respect?

Those boys never showed me any respect!

It took every ounce of my self-control not to k*ll them!

So, Beavis and Butt-head.

I understand Mr. McVicker

has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah.

A little probation.

You see, class, Beavis and Butt-head here are not allowed

to laugh for a whole week.

That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled

and they'll have to go to Hope High School

where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis

by all the other delinquents, ha ha ha!

Well, I was real glad to hear that,

because this is sex education week.

That's right, sex ed week!

We're gonna be talking about the penis!

We'll be talking about the vag*na!

Do you think that's funny, Butt-head?

Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking

about the testicles?

Yes, we're also gonna be talking about venereal disease!

Sexual intercourse!

The scrotum!

The clitoris!

And... And we will definitely be spending

a lot of time talking about masturbation.

[school bell ringing]

[laughing]

Pitiful!

Are you a man?

Yeah.

What makes you think so?

Uh, I got testicles.

[laughing]

Yeah.

You want to see a man, boy?

I'll show you a man.

Kick me in the jimmy.

No way.

I said do it!

Yes!

Do it again!

Do it hard!

Yes!

Whoa!

That was cool.

[laughing]

Why this is my responsibility, I have no idea,

so I'm only gonna say this once.

I order you to enter the latrine and defecate!

Pronto!

This is your target!

Do you understand me?

Don't make me b*at the living crap out of you!

Just thinking about them offends my sense of human dignity.

I hope their deaths were slow and painful.

Now, Beavis and Butt-head were sometimes misunderstood in life.

Must they also be misunderstood in death?

Ha ha!

Those boys were no good and nothing good

was ever gonna come out of 'em.

If your disrespect for the dead is any indication

of how you treat the living,

I'll kindly thank you to keep your distance from me, okay?

Calm down, everybody.

This is no time for arguing.

We should be celebrating!

That's right, we should be celebrating their lives

and try to turn this tragedy into something positive.

I have a wonderful thought.

Let's take up a memorial collection

in Beavis and Butt-head's name.

We can start a scholarship for other, uh, unique students.

Damn hippie talk!

No, no, that's a good idea.

We can exploit their deaths to raise money for the school.

Yeah!

Well, that's not exactly what I--

We're doing this.

Those two owe the school for all the damage they caused.

Besides, we could use a new teacher's lounge.

I'll call the TV station.

["Taps" playing]

Today, tragedy strikes this local school.

Two students missing for three weeks are now reported dead.

Whoa-- Check it out!

There's, like, dead people at school.

Finally, something good on TV, yeah.

Cool.

This young woman is a student at Highland High.

You knew the dead boys.

Tell us what they were like before.

They were always hitting on me.

[laughing]

Hey, baby.

Come to Butt-head.

For the millionth time, don't ever talk to me again.

[laughing]

Yeah.

That's what those two were like.

Whoa!

Hey, Beavis, I know that chick.

I, like, scored with her and stuff.

Really?

[laughing]

I thought you never scored.

Wow, I'll be damned.

Uh, yeah.

It's like, we were in class and I was like...

"“Hey, baby.

Come to Butt-head."”

And she was like, "You know, I've always wanted you,

Butt-head."”

And then we did it.

It was cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You got a pretty good memory, Butt-head.

[laughing]

You know, that kind of reminds me of the time that...

The time, um...

That we... Um...

Huh.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was cool.

Dumbass.

[laughing]

This was the dead students' best friend.

Would you like to say something about your dead friends?

Uh, they were the greatest.

We did everything together.

There was this one time that we were all at my house and...

Man, I sure love baseball.

Can I alphabetize your baseball card collection?

Uh, can I, like, help you build your model airplane?

Not today, guys.

Aw, gee.

We don't have time for that.

Mom said she'd help us bake low-fat macaroons.

Yoo-hoo!Whoa!

That would be swell.

Yeah.

Your mom is cool, Stuart.

Oh, you boys.

Oh.

What a wuss.

Yeah, yeah.

What the hell is Stuart doing on TV?

He's not dead.

This sucks.

Where are the dead bodies and stuff?

Yeah, these bungholes aren't showing anything.

Yeah.

I guess if we want to see dead bodies,

we gotta, like, get up and go to school ourselves.

Yeah, yeah.

This is gonna kick ass.

[laughing]

[Mr. Van Driessen] Mr. McVicker?

I've gone ahead and started a grassroots campaign

to collect money in Beavis and Butt-head's names.

Is that all those little bastards are worth?

If we plant these pennies today, they may blossom

into a bright future for some other deserving students,

that way some good will come of this tragedy.

You're damn right it's good.

We haven't had this much excitement at school

since the president came to visit.

Remember that?

Uhh, uhh... No, no!

Uhh, oh!

Are you for or against Japanese trade restrictions?

What are you prepared to do about sexual harassment--

Given the budget deficit, do you think the supercollider

is really necessary at this time?

Pull my finger.No!

Come on, Beavis, pull it.

No way!

[laughing]

And now, the president of the United States, Bill Clinton.

Hello, my fellow young Americans.

You know, I've always been interested in young people--

That's it, get 'em!

Get 'em!

Whoa, it's McDicker!

Cool!

[laughing]

b*at the crap out of him!

Use the choke hold!

Use the choke hold!

Kick him, kick him, kick him, kick him!

Choke hold!

Well, no use wasting time with the past.

Those boys are dead!

Ha ha!

Principal McVicker, what is your reaction to the deaths

of Bravis and, um, Headbutt?

Well, what kind of a god could take such,

uh, fine boys in their prime?

But we'll find some good in this tragedy.

This jar contains a collection I've started in their names.

These pennies that we plant today

will become a whole lot of cash tomorrow.

[Beavis] This is gonna be cool.

But no amount of money can make up for their absence.

I would gladly give back all the money

just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.

[Butt-Head] Uh, okay, McDicker.

Give us some money.

Hey, Butt-head, where the hell are the dead people?

I'll just go ahead and take that.

You're supposed to be dead!

[man] I can't believe this is happening.

I'll k*ll you!

No!

♪♪

[imitating guitar riffs]

[Beavis] Breaking the law, breaking the law!

Breaking the law, breaking the law!

[laughter]Whoa, a dead body!

Check it out!

[Mr. Buzzcut] Give the man some air!

He's not dead yet!

Oh, no!

Uh, come on, Beavis, let's get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, really.

Money.

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, did you see McVicker?

He was like, "uhhh..."

And then Buzzcut made out with him.

Yeah, that was cool.

We should go to school early tomorrow,

you know, in case someone else dies.

Dumbass, we're rich.

We don't have to go to school ever again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[laughing]

That's pretty damn cool.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[laughing]

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In all the old familiar places ♪

♪ That this heart of mine embraces ♪

♪ All day through ♪

♪ I'll find you in the morning sun ♪

♪ And when the night is new ♪

♪ I'll be looking at the moon ♪

♪ But I'll be seeing you ♪