02x03 - The Exorcism of Carrie Jackson

[bunniefuu]

[STAMMERS] Pay attention to the film.
You'll miss the scary bits.

I have to remember to take Alfie to flute
on Tuesdays and Mandarin on Wednesdays.

I have to figure out
what capital gains tax is

and why this man
is so mad at me for not paying it.

And then, I have to wash my clothes,
and dry my clothes, and wear my clothes,

and then wash them again, and it never ends.

So frankly, Jen, the dry Egyptian man
is the least of my worries.

[KASH SCREAMS] Look!

Yeah, this one's a bit naff anyway.
I want a proper scare.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- [ALL SCREAM]

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[MARTIN] Do you know what
it feels like to be dead? [LAUGHS]

Oh! Hi, Dad. Forgot it was Wednesday.
We're having a scary movie marathon.

- Can I call you back?
- [CARRIE] Wait for me. I'm almost home.

Okay. Happy Halloween.

[MARTIN] Mmm. Happy Halloween, pet.

Can't you do that in private?
It's so morbid.

It's not my fault you're a massive p*ssy.
No of fence.

I am not a p*ssy.

Okay.

Put your hand in this box.

Why? What's in it?

Oh, are you afraid?

[SIGHS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[GROANS, GULPS]

You know what?
I don't need to prove anything to you.

- Oh, okay.
- So, yeah.

Oh, there's a rat in here.

- What?
- What?

- [SCREAMS]
- [KASH YELLS] Oh, no!

Why would you do that?

- [SCREAMS] I thought it was empty!
- I f*cking hate Halloween!

[JIZZLORD] No, I wasn't evading tax.
Yeah, Hercule. Four years.

No, sir, I would never take your mick.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS] Well, I didn't have thumbs,

and you have to consider
I was very, very small.

Hello?

[SIGHS]

- When's it get scary?
- [JEN] Soon.

They haven't introduced the creature yet.

- [SCREAMS]
- [THUNDERCLAP]

[WHIMPERS]

- [THUNDERCLAP]
- [SCREAMS] A crone!

[CARRIE] It's just me! [PANTS]

[PANTS] Oh. It's just me.

[GRUNTS] Did you just call me a crone?

Is that the word I used?

[CARRIE SIGHS, SNIFFS]

I'm not that frumpy, am I?

Look, Carrie, you have been given a gift.
You're single on Halloween.

It's the perfect time
to step out of your comfort zone.

There's so many options.

Classic slut, topical slut,
scary slut, slut slut.

Can I be a slut on Halloween?

Sluts don't have to pay
capital gains tax, do they?

Unfortunately, sluts do have to pay tax.

[GROANS]

- What if I've forgotten how to do it?
- Do what?

Interact with men
with a view to sex in the future?

Don't phrase it like that to begin with.

[SIGHS] I've got so comfortable with Kash,

I've forgotten how to be sexy.

Well, it's like riding a seductive bike.
It'll come back to you.

And if it doesn't, you know,
just be yourself.

[DAHLIA] And you fell in love with me,
but I can hardly blame you.

All men do. I'm irresistible.

[DAHLIA] I'm sorry for what I did.

[GASPS]

And I'd do it all over again if I had to.

And you want me to what again, darling?

[CARRIE] Uh, teach me how to be sexy?

Or just, I guess, um, sex adjacent.
Semi-skimmed. That's fine.

[DAHLIA] Well, you came
to the right place, doll face.

They used to say
if it was in Hollywood and breathed,

I'd be under it, over it...
[WHISPERING] ...and inside it.

Fingering, darling.

Now, listen here, pretend to fall over.

Oops. And grab on to his Johnson
for support. [MOANS]

Oh, no.
I seem to have forgotten my brassiere.

Hold these for me, would ya? [GRUNTS]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

If you don't know
what to do with your hands,

just put them out like this
and shake your tushy.

Always look like you're listening,

- even when you're not.
- Mm-hmm.

Laugh at everything they say,
even if it ain't funny.

[LAUGHS]

Pretend you're illiterate
and get them to read the menu to you.

Men love a dum-dum.

[GROANS]

[CARRIE] Uh... When did we make a martini?

[DAHLIA SWALLOWS, SIGHS]

Do keep up, darling,
or I'll leave you behind.

Oh.

[GEORGE] " Times your Nan called you fat."
Do you want that for the body image shelf,

or shall I keep it
for the family trauma wing?

Hit me.

[SIGHS] Old cow.

[SIGHS]

Hmm. I think I found something interesting.

[GEORGE] They're numbered
like part of a series.

- You more afraid of cancer or bears?
- Bears.

I have my reasons.

The numbers are a list.

If we find number one, we'll find
what you're most afraid of in life.

And that could be what's holding me back
from my power?

Try and find the rest.
Maybe there's a horror section.

Or would they be in something scary-looking?

No of fence, your subconscious
isn't subtle. There's usually a sign.

[WHISPERING] Okay.

[SCREAMING]

[EVIL LAUGHING]

I think I found it. [SIGHS]

And that is why you never go on
a river cruise without your diaphragm.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Why, look I'm... [PANTS]

I'm young and beautiful.

[CARRIE] Oh, uh, thank you. I...

[DAHLIA] So smooth and tight.

[CARRIE] Uh, yeah.

Well, thank you for your tips.
I feel much better about it all.

[DAHLIA] Wait. No.

- [STAMMERS] I don't wanna go.
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[HIP-HOP PLAYS]

♪ Well, I'm feelin' kinda funny
'Cause life is like a game ♪

♪ Facin' like an enemy ♪

[SIPS, GULPS, GROANS]

♪ That's just who I...
That's just who I am ♪

"What if there is a snake in the toilet,
and I don't notice, and I sit down,

and the snake goes up my bum
and then there's a snake up my bum?"

Yep. [SIGHS]

Honestly, I thought that would be higher.

Is that number one? What is it?

Intimacy. You're afraid of intimacy.

Okay, have we double-checked
" Snake in the bum"

- because that's not at all...
- I'm going to give you some homework.

Before you come in to see me next week,

I want you to tell one person in your life
you love them.

[SCOFFS]

I want you to say it without
qualification, without minimising it,

without turning it into a joke.

It could bring us closer to your power.

Can you do that for me?

Course. Easy.

[ROCK PLAYS]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay.

Okay. Okay, just do it.

Hey. Hey.

I need to tell you something
while maintaining eye contact,

so don't even think about blinking.

I... [BREATHES SHAKILY]

What are you doing?

Oh, um.

People get to be other things
on Halloween, right?

- Yes.
- So, I'm gonna be a cat.

Cats don't have responsibilities.
Cats don't have to pay taxes,

or raise children,
or brush their teeth every week.

I'm sorry, week?

- See you in the morning.
- [STAMMERS] Wait! Um, before you go, um...

Hey. So, I, uh,
just wanted to let you know...

You know... [STAMMERS]
I really, like, appreciate you and...

Pfft! I f*cking love ya, bro! [LAUGHS]

Did you just say you love me?

[SCOFFS] Maybe, I don't know.
What are you, the love police?

Ever heard of ACAB, pig?

[FARTS]
Ha! That's what you sound like, mate.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY, CHEWS]

[GROANS]

[HIP-HOP PLAYS] I'ma break it down for you

[MEOWS, PURRS]

Mom, I love you.

Mother, I have come to love you.

Mum, you gave me life. I love you.

- Okay.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Please leave a message for...

- You f*cking bitch!
- [MARY] Hello.

You don't have anything better to be doing.

- This is Mary Regan.
- I hope you get dementia!

Mum! [CHUCKLES] Mother. Mama.

I was just calling to say I love you.
Like children do. I love you so much.

I just want you to know that.
Love, love, love!

[ANGE] One in, one out, you animals!

[SIGHS]

Move, losers.

[SMACKS LIPS, SIGHS]

Okay. Sexy.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[INHALES]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[DAHLIA] Hello again, darling. [MOANS]

[CARRIE] I didn't invite you.

[DAHLIA] Aw, spoilsport.

Can't a girl have a little fun?

- [GROANS]
- [DAHLIA BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GASPING]

- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]
- [KASH] You gonna be long?

[CARRIE GASPS, STAMMERS] Two minutes.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS, PANTS]

[DAHLIA] Is that a man I hear?

[CARRIE GRUNTS] Don't you dare.

[DAHLIA LAUGHS]

Why don't you come on in here
and help me wipe, big boy?

Uh, gee.

I feel like you can do that yourself.

Dammit. [SNIFFS] I'm out of practice.

[CARRIE] Get out!

[DAHLIA] Never!
I wanna suckle from the teat of life!

- I want this body, darling.
- [CARRIE WHIMPERS]

And I always get what I want.

- [SIGHS, GASPS, WHIMPERS]
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Carrie? Are you okay?

Did you stick on a wax strip
and get too scared to pull it off?

I'm Dahlia. I'm Dahlia.

[GRUNTS, PANTS]

I'm Carrie. I'm Carrie. I'm Carrie.

[WHIMPERS, CHOKES]

- [CARRIE WHIMPERING, PANTING]
- Carrie?

[WHIMPERING, PANTING CONTINUES]

Carrie?

[PANTING CONTINUES]

[PANTING STOPS]

[DAHLIA] Hello, handsome.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[CHATTERING]

["FÜR ELISE" PLAYS]

[CAT MEOWS]

[SPOOKY CHORDS PLAY]

♪ Let's have a satanic orgy ♪

[MEOW]

♪ Deep in the forest In the dead of night ♪

♪ The full moon is the only light ♪

♪ 'Round a magic circle
Our bodies start to sway ♪

♪ All the pretty witches
Have come out to play ♪

- [PURRS]
- [MEOWS]

♪ Take a ride on my broom ♪

♪ We're naked under the moon ♪

[MEOWING]

♪ Maybe I'll make love to you ♪

- [MEOWING]
- [JIZZLORD ORGASMING]

[DOOR TONE PLAYS]

- [DOOR SHUTS]
- We're closed!

[OBJECTS RATTLE]

If you want to steal something,
just take it. I don't care.

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[KASH] No, no!

[GRUNTS] Please, just stay still.

- [FOOTSTEPS]
- [KASH MUTTERS]

- Hey, what are you doing?
- [KASH GRUNTS]

No, no, no! Wait. Wait.

- That's not Carrie.
- [PANTING]

- Oh, God.
- [PANTS]

[PANTS] Two of you. That's more like it.

The devil's triangle.
What is it the French say?

The f*ck à trois?

- [GROANS]
- What? Then who is it?

- Some old actress.
- Old, he says? Look at me.

I'm young and lithe.

Carrie, stop f*cking around! Snap out of it!

Carrie's gone, red. It's Dahlia from now on.

Practice that with your tongue. [MOANS]

Hey. Joan Crawford.
f*ck off out of that body. It's not yours.

Make me.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY] What should we do?
- [MOANS]

We're doing an exorcism.

[CHUCKLES]

- [ROCKABILLY PLAYS]
- [MEOWS]

♪ Got hair as black as night ♪

♪ Got a skirt that's a-ooh so tight ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you I've got an itch ♪

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

♪ She's my witch ♪

[YOUTUBER] Once you have them restrained,

I like to go in and evoke Jesus Christ.

They hate that.

- Step one, first one is my favourite step.
- [MOANS]

- You're gonna shout...
- Ugh, she keeps looking at me.

- [YOUTUBER] ..."The power of Christ"...
- Well, then don't look.

- [YOUTUBER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- I can't. She keeps...

- [DAHLIA GROANS]
- [KASH] ...doing that.

Stop giving her attention.

- It's what she wants.
- Okay.

[YOUTUBER] I just love this position
so much. This is my personal...

Have you two ever f*cked?

- Ew. No.
- No!

What do you mean, "ew"? I didn't say, "ew."

- I didn't mean "ew" like you disgust me.
- [CHUCKLES]

I did, but I didn't say that,
'cause it would be rude.

It just came out! It was instinctual.

Also, I just processed that. Wow, very mean.

- [CHATTERING, CHEERS]
- [MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHEERS CONTINUE]

[PEOPLE] Ooh!

[HORNS, ALARMS BLARING]

- Stop it! She's getting in our heads.
- [ALARMS CONTINUE IN DISTANCE]

Okay, I'm bored of this.

[GROANS]

- No.
- [GASPS]

♪ I like to wear my human skin outside
In disguise ♪

How did you, um...

A veteran like me
has wrists of steel, darling.

You know, from all the hand jobs.

Ugh, yeah, we got it.

♪ Okay, cool It's a party with my ghouls ♪

No. No. [PANTS]

[ALARMS BLARING]

[GRUNTS, PANTING]

[PANTING CONTINUES]

- [YELPS, PANTING]
- Hello.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- Where'd she go? [PANTS]

Come on. We need to find her. [PANTS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY] Mm-hmm.
[SWALLOWS, WHIMPERS]

Are you serious? It's Carrie.

She's built like a strand of dry spaghetti.

No, it's not Carrie I'm scared of.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Dahlia was a psycho. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

She had six husbands,

and five of them d*ed falling down
the stairs. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

- Well, you know that's...
- And the sixth one sh*t himself

- in the back with a crossbow.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]

[GROANS]

[YELPS]

[BOTH BREATHING SHAKILY]

[WHIMPERS]

I need your help here.

- Carrie needs your help.
- [WHIMPERS, BREATHES SHAKILY]

[SMACKS LIPS] Or... [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Maybe Carrie can just share with this lady.

Okay, we get Carrie Monday, Wednesday,
Friday, and she can take the rest.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- Absolute coward.

Fine.

Stay here then. All by yourself.

[KASH SWALLOWS, WHIMPERS]

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

[PANTS]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY, SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[DAHLIA] You really shouldn't leave
sharp objects lying around.

Terribly unsafe.

[STAMMERS] Just get back!

[CHUCKLES, GRUNTS]

[SQUEAKS]

Shame. I prefer them circumcised.

Stop making her gross. She wouldn't like it.

What about what I like, hmm?
I like this body.

I like being alive.

So, we can't have you
spilling the beans on me, can we?

No. [WHIMPERS, BREATHES SHAKILY]

Huh? [BREATHES SHAKILY]

- [GASPS, STAMMERS]
- [YELLS, SCREAMS]

- [KASH GRUNTS]
- [DAHLIA STRAINS, GRUNTS]

- [CHUCKLES] Look at you, Braveheart!
- [PANTS, MOANS]

- [KASH WHIMPERS]
- Are you crying?

- [WEEPS] No.
- [GRUNTS]

♪ I took my baby to a horror show ♪

- [TRUCK HORN BLOWS]
- [MEOWS]

♪ That's the only place she wants to go ♪

[COOS]

♪ She thinks that Dracula is so divine ♪

♪ And she wants to go steady
With the Frankenstein ♪

[FADES]

[MEOWING]

[PURRING, CAT MEOWS]

[MEOWS]

[BEEPING]

[YOWLS]

[CHUCKLES] He's in! Third one today.

Think of all the unwanted kittens
we're preventing.

[DOCTOR SIGHS]

[CATS MEOWING]

[SIGHS] Hello, little man!

You can plead for your testicles
all you want.

I can't hear you.

You won't feel a thing.

And you're really better off
not being a father.

Too much responsibility.

I dropped my nephew
on his head the other day,

no one saw, and I just didn't tell anybody.

Not my problem.

Right.

[PERSON ON SPEAKER]
Reginald's escaped from his cage again.

How does he keep doing that? [SIGHS]

[DOCTOR SIGHS] Reginald?

Reginald?

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

You can't walk back to Nicaragua, Reggie.
We've been through this.

[STRAINS]

Ow! sh*t it anyway!

[GRUNTS] Oh.

Well, that's still okay because
that dosage is only enough for a ca...

[MEOWS]

[SLOWLY] Libertade.

Libertade!

- Not so scary now, are you?
- [BREATHES SHAKILY, GRUNTS]

Ha! Oh, I bet you'd love to s*ab me,
wouldn't you?

- Go on, then. Too scared? Come on.
- [BREATHING SHAKILY, GRUNTS]

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, Jesus!

[CHUCKLES]

- Kash! Stop it.
- Sorry.

God, I've no idea how to do an exorcism.

["TUBULAR BELLS" PLAYS]

- Mum?
- Jen! Are you okay?

- Wha...
- Whatever it is, you can tell me.

Cancer? AIDS?
That thing that makes your bones go soft?

[GASPS] Oh, God! You're not thinking
of ending it all, are you?

[YELPS] Life is worth living, Jen!
Even for you!

What are you talking about?

That was a very worrying voicemail you left.

Using the I word like that.

- So, you thought I was dying?
- Well, aren't you?

No, I'm not dying! I was just...
I was trying to be nice.

Well, don't ever do that again!
I had to take three buses to get here.

I didn't even have a chance
to get out of my costume. [SCOFFS]

Oh, Jesus, Mum.

Looking good, Mary.

- Whore!
- [KASH] Uh, yeah, she's possessed.

We've kind of run out of ideas.

- Don...
- So...

Possessed?

I've seen this before.

A man in my village when I was small.

[JEN] How did you drive it out?

Well, we b*at him with sticks.

And it turned out
he-he wasn't possessed in the end.

He was just Portuguese. Lovely man.

But I did learn a lot
from the priest that day.

You have to meet evil with evil.

[GRUNTING]

You are not welcome here.

And we will drive you out
of this innocent lamb,

you harridan of Satan's own hole!

[LAUGHING]

[PANTS] Be gone! I command...

[GASPS] What's her name?

Uh... I don't remember.

I don't think anyone does anymore.

- Mmm.
- [MARY] Delia?

- Delilah?
- [MARY] Delilah?

[DAHLIA] Dahlia!

It's not difficult.

[DOGS BARKING]

[ROCK PLAYING]

- [TITO'S OWNER] Come on, Tito!
- [BARKS]

- [OWNER] Tito, no!
- [CAT YOWLS]

Leave the cat alone! Tito!

- [DOGS BARKING]
- [FAST MUSIC PLAYS]

- [CAT YOWLS]
- [BARKING CONTINUES]

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein
I was a teenage Frankenstein, oh, yeah ♪

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein ♪

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein
I was a teenage Frankenstein, oh, yeah ♪

- [CAT YOWLS]
- [MUSIC ENDS]

- [CAT YOWLS]
- [DOGS BARKING]

[DAHLIA] People still know my name.

- I'm still a star. [SNIFFS]
- Can you guys name a single film

- she's been in?
- No.

[MARY] Not one. Not a clue.

Oh, come on. In the Port Rightly?

- Mm-mmm.
- [KASH] No.

The Angel of Cleveland?

- Of where?
- Never heard of it.

- The g*n Goes Bang?
- Never heard of them.

Of course it goes bang.
What else would it do?

Now, Vivien Leigh.

- [MARY] Oh.
- [KASH EXCLAIMS]

- Incredible. Mmm. Yep.
- Timeless.

[SPITS] Talentless prude.

- Grace Kelly.
- [GASPS] Love her. Oh.

- Lauren Bacall.
- [MARY] Oh!

- Elizabeth Taylor.
- [JEN, MARY MOAN]

- We remember them.
- You think you're being clever?

I know what you're doing.
And it's not gonna work.

See, I have to stay to rebuild my legacy.
[SNIFFS]

You will never make it as an actress.

And Carrie's already too old
to play ingénues.

- No! No!
- [KASH] Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You've got two more years of playing 25.
And after that,

- you might as well be dead again!
- No, no, no, no...

Don't listen to them! Don't listen to them!

- She's already got crow's feet!
- [YELLS]

- Look!
- [DAHLIA] No! No! No, don't!

It isn't true! [YELLS]

Look, g*dd*mn you! Look!

[PANTING]

[LAUGHS]

[DAHLIA GROANS]

[CHUCKLES] I think I've bitten her tongue.

Get out of my friend, you bitch!

Whoops.

- We have been too soft with her.
- [BABBLES]

Kash, get the sticks.

Prepare for w*r, you she-devil!

[LAUGHS] I'll never leave!

- [MARY] Waterboard her!
- Carrie.

- [GRUNTS]
- No, stop, stop, stop!

[GROANS] What are you doing?

I think we've been talking
to the wrong person.

Hey, bud. I know you're in there,
and I know you're stronger than her.

Be quiet!

Because you're Carrie Jackson.

Y-You think ordering negronis
makes you seem grown-up.

[CHUCKLES] You've never
been able to cook aubergines right.

You finish books you don't even like
because you think they'll feel bad.

You're a total f*cking nerd!

[SIGHS] You're my best friend. I love you.

[CHOKES]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[SHRIEKS]

[PANTS]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[CARRIE] I'm sorry for causing a fuss.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [MARY SIGHS]

Hey. [EXCLAIMS]

- Are you okay? [SIGHS]
- Yeah. She's gone.

Well, my work here is done.

You didn't do anything.

You're welcome.

- [SIGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Are you okay?

[SNIFFS]

I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah. Me too.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Did you say I had crow's feet?

[STAMMERS, SHUSHES] You're confused.

- Oh.
- [KISSES]

♪ Hold on, you don't want no problems
I'm a monster ♪

♪ Oh, you scared
I make you shake, I make you shudder ♪

[DOOR RATTLES]

[DOOR TONE PLAYS]

[JEN] We brought you a dressing gown.

I-I don't want to be a cat!

Is it too late to be a slut?