02x05 - Meet the Parent

[bunniefuu]

[JEN] So Mum remarries, and we move here.

- [GEORGE] Mmm.
- It's all very straightforward.

[GEORGE] Is your dad still around?

[JEN] Yeah, you could definitely say that.

[GEORGE] What does he do?

[JEN] Uh, he's...
Well, he's not fit for work right now.

Look, can we just skip the family history
section? It's so boring.

"Depiction of the battle
of Claire's Accessories circa 2010 CE".

[GASPS] Oh, yeah.

That's when my mum tried
to stop me getting my nose pierced.

But I did it anyway.

It got massively infected.

She was so mad.

It was totally worth it.

Hmm.

What?

[SIGHS] Maybe it's silly,

but my wife's a teacher,
and she thought it would be good for me

to give these gold stars to my clients
when they make progress.

But, um, I don't think you have.

- At least, not with your mum.
- No, I have.

I did that homework you asked me to do.

I invited her to dinner
to fix our relationship.

And how did that go?

Good.

You selfish wee bitch.

- Well, you raised me.
- Don't remind me. Waste of time.

- I hate you.
- I hated you first!

Really positive.

You said that my shitty relationship
with my mum

could be what's blocking my power.

Shitty being the clinical term, yeah.

Yes. So, I invited her and Ian...
That's my stepdad... 'round for dinner.

Just a pleasant, grown-up, civil evening.

[SIGHS]

Oh, and I forgot,
she also wanted to come 'round

to properly get to know my boyfriend.

So I'm letting her into my life,
which she's always whingeing about.

- What's your boyfriend's name again?
- Jiz... [STAMMERS]

Immy. Jimmy.

- Jimmy.
- [JEN] Hmm.

- Jimmy and your mum get along?
- Um...

[GROANS]

[MARY] Well, if it isn't the whore.

[GROANS]

♪ I'm dancing in the club Got my bottle ♪

[SIGHS]

They took a little time to warm up.

[GEORGE] Hmm.

How is your relationship?

I noticed some trouble there around his...

The secret psycho bitch wife
and creepy spawn. Yeah.

No, it's-it's hard, you know.

But I think we're handling it
with some grace.

[JEN] What's that? What are you writing?

[JIZZLORD] Uh... Don't be mad.

You made a list of my f*cking pros and cons.

Nora said you're a bad person. I wanted
to prove you're more good than bad.

"Doesn't give to charity.
Laughed at a weird-looking child.

Ate a doughnut out of the bin".
That's not fair!

I thought I was alone.

Yeah, we're chill.

Chill? Wow.

So everything's, like, totally perfect?

The vibe's emotionally stable?

[SCOFFS] Is it really that hard to believe

that things are actually going okay for me?

No, it just seems like
there was a lot riding on this night.

Your power, your relationship, your family.

Well, I was on my best behaviour.

Here you go.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Mum, did you do something
different with your hair?

- It looks so up.
- Blow dry.

Are you in the habit of knocking up women
and then abandoning them?

- Um...
- Are you using protection?

- I appreciate your concern.
- You're not ready for a child, Jennifer.

You are a child yourself.

And genetically, it is doomed.

We are physically robust
but riddled with mental illness.

It helped during the famine,
but the tables have turned, Jennifer.

- The tables have turned.
- Nobody is getting pregnant.

Ian, could you please pass the potatoes?

[WHIMPERING]

Mash or roasted?

Ian had just watched Marley & Me,

so I guess he sort of had
an emotional hangover.

Dangers of being an empath.

[CRYING]

This is...
This is a really lovely spread, Jen.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

A dog's love is so pure.

- [CRYING CONTINUES]
- Um, I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Jen, which photo of Kash
do you think is better?

This one implies
an exciting social calendar.

This one says, "I'm cultured, I travel,

maybe we'll go to Prague
and look at bridges".

You know it's meant to be
an accurate representation of Kash?

I-I'm sorry. What's all this?

I'm sorry. What's all this?

Oh, God. Right.

Okay, so... [SIGHS]

Basically, Carrie and Kash split up, right?

And it's still pretty awkward,
but they don't want it to be awkward.

So, they decide
that the least awkward thing to do

is to set each other up with other people
so that they can both move on.

- [SCOFFS] Like... [LAUGHS]
- That makes sense.

Yeah, that-that's what I said.

That's so f*cking stupid.

No, no, no, no. It's really smart.

Who better to find your new partner
than your old one? It's perfect logic.

Human attraction is not based on logic.
I mean...

Jen, have you ever k*lled anyone?

- No.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY] Whew.

[CARRIE] Uh, don't be too obvious, okay?

- I want Clark to know that I like him.
- [KASH] Mm-hmm.

But I don't want him to know
that I want him to know that I like him.

- Unless he likes me.
- [KASH] No, Carrie, relax.

You're looking at an experienced wing man.

Yeah, Clark thinks he's just gonna have
an innocent little bros night.

- And then bam!
- [GASPS]

He falls in love.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

[JEN] How long does a chicken take?
Should I turn it up?

[STOMACH GROWLS] Oh, no. No, not again.

[GROANS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [BEEPING]

[PANTING, SIGHS]

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]

Oh, no! Wait!

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS] Stupid time.

I keep getting pulled forward and back.
It's making me seasick.

- You still can't control it?
- [KASH] No. I'm time's bitch.

I'm getting bullied by a f*cking watch.

[JEN GROANS] This is taking ages.
Just gonna whack it up.

[KASH] Oh, no. Don't do that.

- Trust me.
- [BOTTLES RATTLING]

- [KASH] Bye.
- Okay.

[SCOFFS] What does he know?

Oh.

So, Kash is seeing
if this guy from their work likes Carrie,

and Carrie is setting Kash up
on a dating app and finding him matches.

Yeah, that's great. But we're here
to talk about you, right. So...

Yeah. Oh, no, I get that, but trust me,
this is like... [LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

It is pretty juicy.

So, then Kash goes to Clark's.

- Woo-hoo! Bros night.
- [CLARK CHUCKLES]

- Bros night.
- [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[STOMACH GROWLS] No, not again.

[GRUNTS]

♪ Baby, I compare you to a kiss
From a rose on the grey ♪

♪ Ooh, the more I get of you ♪

What?

♪ Stranger it feels ♪

- [GRUNTS]
- Bros night.

[CHUCKLES]

Bros night.

Come in. [CHUCKLES]

- [SIGHS]
- [BOTTLES RATTLING]

Right?

If you're gonna keep evading my questions,

I'm gonna start thinking
you're not being fully honest with me.

[SCOFFS] We're in my mind.

Think if I was lying,
wouldn't something give it away?

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

"The compiled lies of Jennifer Regan.

- Read by Derek Jacobi".
- [JEN] Pfft.

That doesn't prove anything.

[DEREK] December 8th, 2018.1:22 a.m.

I would say that it's about average size.

1:23 a.m. No, like, seriously, dude,
I've seen smaller.

1:24 a.m.
It's, like, more common than you think.

I saw it in a documentary.

1:24 a.m.
Yes, they make documentaries about that.

[WHISPERS] They don't.

1:25 a.m.
A lot of women prefer them that way.

1:26 a.m. I promise I won't tell
all my friends about your micro-penis.

Chapter 108, faked orgasms.

[JEN] Right. Okay, okay.

Look, I might've massaged the truth
a tiny little bit.

I will admit the beginning of the evening
was a little rough.

- So, Ian.
- Hmm?

How does it feel to be a piece of sh*t?

[COUGHS]

[JEN] That might've been
partly my fault though.

I'd given him some tips
on how to win over my mum.

Like, insult the English.

She's a simple woman.
She's a sucker for old-fashioned chivalry.

Now, hold the door open for her.

- [MARY SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
- [JEN] Not the bathroom door!

- [JIZZLORD] Oh.
- [MARY HUFFS]

- [LOCK CLICKS]
- And I could've been more specific.

[GASPS] Whatever you do, agree with her.
She's always right.

Now swap seats with me.
I can see my reflection in the microwave.

This top makes me look fat.

Couldn't agree more, Mary. Huge.

- [MARY GRUNTS, GROANS]
- Whoa.

It can be a pointless task, chasing after
the approval of someone else.

Well, no, see, here's the weird thing.

[JEN] When I came back from the bathroom...

[JIZZLORD] How did you get it three pounds
cheaper at the other garden centre?

- And that is why you always shop around.
- [LAUGHING] So true.

- But I don't need to tell you that, do I?
- No, no.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[JIZZLORD] No.

[MARY LAUGHING]

How did it go from that to that
while you were in the bathroom?

Uh, Ji... Immy filled me in later on.

Apparently, Mum was just being herself.

I have nothing against you personally,
but Jen already isn't very good at life.

And she doesn't need anything else
to hold her back.

That's, um...

God bless her,
but she isn't ready for any of this.

I mean, look. She can't even cook a chicken.

Hey!

Shu... Shut up!

- [GEORGE] So he stood up for you?
- Yeah.

Mmm.

He said he told my mum
everything that was great about me.

Can she cook? No.

Is she cool? No.

Does she have money? No.

Is she tall? No.

Does she have a power? No.

Is she smart?

Not so much.

[GASPS, GROANS]

It's pretty romantic.

And-And sure, she's never gonna
amount to anything, but I don't care.

She's great, and I'm gonna prove it.

You're always slagging her off.

And maybe you should try slagging her on.

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLE]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[SIGHS]

Hmm. Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] So, after that,
things are going well?

Yeah. Wholesome family fun.

Hmm. Finding that hard to picture.

Illuminate me.

[JEN] Sure, but first I need
to catch you up on Carrie and Kash.

- So Carrie was struggling.
- [CARRIE] Hmm. Mm-mmm.

Too much hair. Too little hair.

- Horse-girl adjacent.
- Mmm.

Poor grammar.

Goth. Goldsmiths?

[EXHALES] I don't think.

Carrie, you realise you have
to say yes to some of them?

I won't apologise for having high standards.

- Well, what's wrong with this one?
- Thumb.

- Huh?
- Weird thumb.

[SIGHS] Look, do you think maybe
there's another reason

you don't wanna
set anyone else up with Kash?

Like maybe you're not ready
to see him with someone else?

Oh, my God. That is weird. What is that?

[SCOFFS] No. Uh, that's why
we're finding dates for each other.

So we're on the exact same
post-break-up timeline,

therefore standardising
the emotional fallout.

Humans aren't like that.

We're electrified meat sacks
that do whatever our genitals tell us.

I refuse to believe that.

Kash and I have a plan, and we're not
gonna let anything derail it. Hmm?

[TV CHATTERING]

[CLARK]
I know it's really bougie to live alone,

but in my defence, I do work six jobs.

I shouldn't be home from my shift
at Wagamama's till 11:00,

- so we've got the place to ourselves.
- Carrie!

- Whoo!
- Do you like her?

Sorry, you actually
physically scared me there.

Carrie? Carrie from work?

Yeah. She's fit.

She's fit, right?
You think she's fit? I do. [EXCLAIMS]

I don't think she's exactly my type.
Not being a man and everything. [CHUCKLES]

- Prophecy was true.
- What?

What?

[TV CHEERING]

Let's watch something else.
This has too many men in it.

- The football...
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- [BREATHES SHAKILY]

Where's the women at? [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES] The hot...
- [REMOTE BEEPS]

Sexy women?

Oh!

- Sex and the City. Let's watch that.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, wait, no. God. Um. I...

[GROANS]

- The news. Yeah. The news.
- [REPORTER] Rescuers have scoured...

- I mean, it's just facts.
- the crash site...

- [KASH SIGHS]
- but in a press conference this morning

it was announced there had been
no survivors.

In other news,
cancers in children are on the rise.

Once again, is this completely necessary
for the story?

Trust the journey.

So, Kash is freaking out

cause he's done, like, the opposite
of what Carrie asked him to do.

But he knows the exact scenario
that leads up to their kiss, right?

So he thinks all he has to do is avoid
that exact scenario, and they won't kiss.

No red wine, no Seal, no sofa, no problem.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

- [CLARK] What are you doing?
- [GULPS]

Ooh, I forgot I had that. Rioja.

I'll pour you a glass.

Brilliant.

[KASH PANTING]

Are you sitting down?

No, no. I like to stay on my feet.

Stay active. You know, supple.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Now, are you sure Carrie's not for you?

You know, from certain angles,
she has kind of broad shoulders.

Nope. Still pretty gay.

[CHUCKLES] Um... Where's my speaker?

Your speaker?

Hmm.

[POP MUSIC PLAYS]

[PANTING]

Gosh, I have no idea.

Well, actually, it's fine.

I've been meaning
to try out my new record player.

- Mmm.
- I only have one album so far though.

Uh, um...

Actually, I might call it a night.

You're calling time on bros night already?

I'm really tired, and...

Because I tracked down
a replica medieval helmet.

And I thought we could put it on
and hit each other to see if we feel it.

I mentioned I always wanted to do that.

[CHUCKLES]

I remembered.

[SIGHS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- Again, again. Do it again.
- Okay.

- [CLARK GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]
- [KASH GROANS]

Okay, do it again.
This time call me Lancelot.

- [EXCLAIMS] Lancelot.
- [GROANS]

- I can't feel a thing under here.
- [CLARK LAUGHS]

- Keep going. I can't feel any... [GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS, GRUNTS]

- [CHEERING]
- I feel so alive.

- Come on!
- [GRUNTS]

- Hmm.
- But Carrie's getting pissed

because Kash isn't replying to her.

He's not replying to any of my messages.

He hasn't even seen them.

I just wanna know.
Does Clark like me or not?

Do you want to do a little spying?

I could hack into his phone
and turn on the camera.

Mum.

I thought you wanted me
to be good at technology.

Yeah, not to violate the Geneva Convention.

- [SCOFFS]
- [JEN] Do you do this a lot?

No.

Not people.

Just celebrities.

You never guess what they be up to
when they think no one's watching.

Mary, I do think that is morally wrong.

[CHUCKLES] Unfortunately.

Well, I've already done it.

Here is the now stream
I patched in from the blue wave signal

from the phone
to the web camera in the clever TV.

You got all of those words wrong.

What you do with this
is none of my business.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Jen, so how much are you paying me again
to talk about you and your power?

- A f*ck ton.
- A f*ck ton.

So, let's focus on that, shall we?

You and your mum are bonding...

- Which you said would give me a power.
- Might help give you.

Tell me more about
wholesome family fun time.

Land, but up.

Mountains.

- Foot house.
- Shoe.

- [WHIMPERS]
- Dog.

- Correct.
- [LAUGHS] Yes! [CHUCKLES]

- [JIZZLORD] Jen and Jizz, eight.
- She's... [GROANS]

Mary and Ian, zero.

[JIZZLORD] I see.

Next few rounds, maybe we should be a team.

You never asked me to play with you before.

- You weren't ready.
- I'm ready.

[INHALES] I know. [CHUCKLES]

We're going to dominate them.

Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

["GIRLS" BY THE DARE PLAYS]

- [CHUCKLES] Aw.
- Aw.

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

- Yeah, that's... Yeah, okay.
- [JEN GRUNTS]

Too much.

You understand
that it's not so transactional, right?

[JEN] Yes, of course.

I'm not just being nice to my mum
so I can get a power.

That'd be horrible.

I'm being nice to my mum.
Why don't I have a power?

So, when a power doesn't materialise,
you're fine with it?

You don't try another tack?

No. I'm very patient.

And you're not hiding anything from me
about your family?

No. You can read all about it.

Those are history books.

- Your history books.
- So?

[GEORGE] History is written by the victors.

There's not gonna be anything in there
that doesn't make you look good.

Maybe I'm just great.

- [GEORGE] Hmm.
- [JEN] Okay, no.

I-I-I did have a backup plan.

George said that my family
should be closer, right?

I've invited her in.
I've introduced her to Jizz.

I'm being nice to her. What else is there?

Well, the whole meet-the-parents thing,
it's only really the beginning.

- What did you just say?
- The meet the parents...

Parents thing.

Parent-suh.

[SCOFFS] Oh, my God. I am so stupid.

My power isn't coming through
because my family isn't whole.

[GASPS]

No.

So, you invited your dad?

Yeah. Makes sense, doesn't it?

It does if you feel
your family is fractured.

Um, did your parents have a bad divorce?

Uh, th-they're not strictly divorced.

More estranged.

Yeah, anyway.

Dad has always been
a bit of a sore spot with Mum.

So, how did it go when he arrived?

[SIGHS] Right. So...

[BOTH SIGH]

[KASH] We should get the whole suit.

[PANTING]

- [GEORGE] Jen!
- [JEN] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But it ties everything together. I promise.

[BOTH SIGH]

[KASH] We should get the whole suit.

[PANTING]

It opens up so many options.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

[BOTH] Fireworks.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Do you want a cup of tea? I'm parched.

Oh, yeah.

- [CLARK] Do you take milk?
- Uh, no. Just tea.

♪ Thicc ♪

Maybe I should try some milk.

♪ I like how you swing your hips ♪

Maybe I like milk, but I wasn't socialised
to think it was an option.

I mean, I could just try a dash.

It's not all black or all milk. Right?

Tea exists on a spectrum.

♪ Chicken nuggets, we should dip ♪

Um, I'll just leave the milk out,
and you can do it yourself.

Music?

["KISS FROM A ROSE" BY SEAL PLAYS]

Okay.

♪ There's so much a man can tell you
So much he can say ♪

♪ You remain... ♪

[GASPS] Oh!
I forgot to put the sugar in there.

[GASPS] Oh! Oh.

[GASPS] Oh, gosh.

I'm so... Rats.

Oh, gosh.

It's gone everywhere.
Oh, God, did it get on you?

I'm so, so sorry.

Oh. [GASPS]

[JEN] Okay, so that's not
how I wanted the dinner to end.

Don't add it to your cons list!

Well, you did just make your mum cry.

But that wasn't my intention.

Like she is perfect.
The f*cking web cam peeper.

One little check-in can't hurt.

[CLARK GROANS]

[CLARK PANTING]

♪ My eyes become large and the light
That you shine can't be seen ♪

♪ Baby, I compare you to a kiss
From a rose on the grey ♪

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

♪ Ooh, the more I get of you
The stranger it feels, yeah ♪

[JEN] And there wasn't any tear-fall.
Her eyes were moderately damp at best.

[WHIMPERS]

[JEN] And she saw the whole thing.

I'm sorry. I don't understand.
How does this tie everything together?

Oh, I-I guess it doesn't.

Why do I get the feeling you don't want me
to know how this dinner ends?

Fine.

[JEN] We always finish the night
with 'Guess the Celebrity'.

- Am I a politician?
- No.

Have I won an Oscar?

- Maybe.
- [GASPS]

[JEN] So I'm a woman? Am I white?

- [MARY] Yes.
- Taylor Swift.

- [SIGHS] Should've made it harder.
- [CHUCKLES]

[MARTIN] Whoa, now,
there's still someone left to play.

Hello, Beanie.

Carrie did me one, so I've no idea.

- It's not cheating.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Are you sure she's okay?
I've never seen her so quiet.

It's fine. Yeah. I-It's family games night.

We're all family.

Aw. This is a good one.

[SIGHS, BREATHES SHAKILY]

Now, go on. Guess.

Mmm. [SWALLOWS]

It's a bit on the nose, but am I alive?

[JEN LAUGHS]

Hey, we're not finished playing.

Don't even speak to me.

- Just don't.
- Mum.

I told you time and again,
I do not want to talk to him.

But you have to step out
of your comfort zone to grow and...

Don't give me that clinic woo-woo,
self-help smoothie bullshit!

I don't want to grow. I'm done.

He d*ed.

I've dealt with it. I moved on.

Uh, someone's moved the buttons on this.

Oh, f*ck me for wanting a family again then.

I was just trying to do something nice.

You have a family.

Do you know how hurtful that is to Ian?

It does feel like a searing hot Kn*fe
through my heart.

But we have to consider her feelings too.

Yes. Yeah, thank you, Ian. Yeah, tell her.

She's full of absolute longing
and desperation.

- [SCOFFS]
- For my family.

For a power. Huh?

[SCOFFS]

You selfish wee bitch.

- Well, you raised me.
- Don't remind me. Waste of time.

- I hate you.
- I hated you first!

And I'm glad you like talking to him,

because he's the only parent
you'll be talking to.

Good. He's the one I wanted.

- Ian!
- Yes. Sorry.

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ It was a wedding upstate ♪

♪ That rekindled an ache ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ I thought it would fade, boy ♪

What's that? What are you writing?

[JIZZLORD] Uh, don't be mad.

- Wow.
- I know.

I'm a little confused. Your mum's
reaction seems way over the top.

I know. Geez.

She can never see things
from my perspective.

People don't just act like that.

Is there anything about your dad
that might explain your mum's actions?

Um...

I don't...

No, I can't think of anything.

Jen.

Jennifer.

Look at me.

I thought we'd gone over this.

- [SIGHS] Okay, Jen.
- He's dead.

My dad's dead.

I speak to him through Carrie.

Mum never has.

This would've been helpful to know earlier.

Yeah, I know.

But... [SIGHS]
you know, it's... it's a bit...

Well, you're gonna say
it's a bit f*cked up, aren't you?

No. No.

It was a disaster.

I was a sh*t girlfriend and a sh*t daughter.

And I feel like sh*t.

♪ Yesterday's gone now ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ I want to move out ♪

♪ Out in the world where
We'll go anywhere ♪

Good girl.

- [FOLK MUSIC FADES]
- [HIP HOP PLAYS]

♪ If you're brave, come and get some ♪

♪ Come and get some
Come and come and get some ♪

♪ If you're brave, come and...
Come and get some ♪

♪ Come and get some
Come and come and get some ♪

♪ Looking at me Caught you looking at me ♪

♪ Can't afford what you see, no way ♪

♪ As I'm sitting in my room
Feeling kinda depressed ♪

♪ Everything is such a mess
Am I overwhelmed, yes ♪

Shh. It's problematic.

[BELL DINGS]

- What was that?
- Uh... Nothing.

♪ I'm a mess Down and unimpressed ♪

Mmm.

♪ Never happy at my best ♪

- ♪ It's not you, it's me again ♪
- ♪ I'm a mess ♪

♪ Depression is my middle name ♪

♪ Prescription is not the same ♪

♪ Depression is my middle name ♪

♪ No, I don't know why I'm laughing
I'm just a sad bitch ♪

♪ Sad bitch ♪

♪ Sad bitch, bad bitch
Don't get too attached bitch ♪

♪ Blastin', desperate
Not someone to mess with ♪

♪ Lost those minds
Just give in to the meds ♪

♪ No, I don't know why I'm laughing
I'm just a sad bitch ♪