05x20 - Doug's Minor Catastrophe

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

♪ Stay calm, relax with Nic-Nacs ♪

Nic-Nacs!

[TV announcer] You're under pressure.

Need to keep it cool.

Ahh.

I can handle this.

[sirens wailing]

Huh?

[TV announcer] Because it takes
a cool hand...

When you're in a hot situation.

[TV announcer] So when you want
to stay calm

and keep it all under control

just say Nic-Nacs.

Nic-Nacs contain
artificial chemical relaxants

and are not approved for use by minors.

Brought to you by Bluffco.

-Nic-Nacs.
-Hmm.

And now back to "Captain Cavity."

[laughs]

-[footsteps]
-[door creaks]

That's me.

[clears throat] Um, what did I want again?

[chuckles] Uh, after-shave, uh, car wax...

Uh, oh, I know.


Got an ID?

You got to be 18 to buy this stuff.

"Cornelius P. Zombat.

Age 34." All right.

I wonder what Roger's going to do
with all those Nic-Nacs.

He looked pretty nervous.

Maybe he wants to relax... a lot.

[Roger] Hey, Funnie, Valentine

want to buy some Nic-Nacs?

Only a dollar.

Roger, how can you sell those
for a dollar each

when you can buy them
for 60 cents at the store?

Because you can't buy them at the store

because you don't have an ID.

[bell rings]

[sighs]

Oh...

Hey, Roger, how's the selling-Nic-Nacs-
to-minors business going?

Stink-a-roony.

It's like nobody realizes
they're not supposed to have them.

They're not supposed to have them.

They're not supposed to have them.

They're not supposed to have them.

They're not supposed to have them.

[gasps] I think I have an idea.

So you can imagine how shocked I was

to find out that some of the other kids

were eating Nic-Nacs.

[Principal White] It has been brought
to my attention

that certain young persons

have been using Nic-Nacs.

[chewing] Now...
Now let's get this straight, young people.

Nic-Nacs are an adult thing.

They are not safe for kids.

[spits]

So, kids

just say no to Nic-Nacs.

[children chattering]

[bell rings]

He's got Nic-Nacs!

[Roger] Get your Nic-Nacs,
two dollars a pop.

The stuff that grown-ups
won't let you eat.

Hmm... "Relax'n with Nic-Nacs."

But they're not relaxing, are they?

Hmm...

[laughs]

-"Relax'n with Nic-Nacs."
-[all laughs]

Doug, this pops. It zaps off the page.

It grabs you by the throat
and says, "Hey, look at me!"

I love it. I just have
one tiny little note.

-[all gasps]
-Yeah?

Lose the picture, dump the caption
and make it an article.

Article?

Three columns. No, four.

Uh, and make it more, uh, positive.
Yeah, upbeat.

But I heard Nic-Nacs are--

Not safe?

Look here, Doug,
let me explain something to you.

You see how fast those cars
are moving? Is that safe?

Hey, hey!

You see those kids enjoying themselves?

Is that safe?

You see that French guy over there
getting up the courage

to talk to a girl he's never met?

Is that safe?

-[slap]
-[chuckles] You see?

[speaking French]

I hate it when he does this.

So you see, Doug,
nothing worth having in life is safe.

So my question to you is this

are you going to be the equipment manager

or are you going to be the guy
who pushes the button

and drops the big one?

-Uh...
-Of course, you're not, Doug.

I want you to write me a Nic-Nac piece

that focuses on the positives.

The fresh exciting taste
that has everyone over 18

all in a tizzy!

All right, who's next?

[Bill] We need a campaign
that focuses on the positive.

The fresh taste that has
everyone over 18... [chuckles]

...all in a... uh...

Oh, I don't know, Bud,
you're the word guy.

You come up with something.

We just need some slogan

to go along with the new character.

Whoa! New character?

The Nic-Nac yak.

He's edgy, he's sexy, he plays the guitar.

We'll make action figures
you can take home

and dress up like cowboys or rock stars.

I see! And, uh...
who are you trying to sell these to?

Adults...

Over 18.

Gee, that's funny.

because that would be a great way
to get kids to buy Nic-Nacs

if that weren't against the law.

-Whoop!
-[groans]

Bud, those don't sound like
the words of a team player.

Oh, no, Bill. [chuckles]

I'm a team player.

You can count on it.

Oh, good. For a second there,
I was thinking--

I'm playing on a team
called humankind, Bill.

You fellows can write
your own slogans for a change.

I quit!

[Doug] It was time for me to get to work

on my first article for the paper.

I decided to give
Guy's positive approach a try.

What's up, Connie?

Why are Nic-Nacs such a hot item
among today's hip youth?

Well, I can't speak for everyone

but I like them because they're so cool

relaxing, and sophisticated.

[spits]

Skunky, how about you?

Oh, they're, uh...

swirly-icious double dip fudge ripply.

Hmm? Hmm?

Uh... [sighs]

[both] Two double dip fudge
ripple swirly-icious cones.

Hey, guys. Listen, I'm doing
an article for the paper.

Have you tried Nic-Nacs?

[both gasps]

We never eat Nic-Nacs, never.

We never touch them.

Oh. Uh, why?


-37.
-Two!

What was that all about?

Hmm...

Hey, Funnie, I hear you're doing
an article on my product.

Your product?

Listen, Funnie, as a token of my esteem

here's a little starter pack on the house.

[stammers] No, Roger. I don't--

Would you relax? What are you afraid of?

They're not going to k*ll you.

[Doug] When I'd finished
writing the article

I showed it to Sally

the assistant editor of The Weekly Beebe.

"The hip happeners of the cool generation

are hopping to a happy new taste"?

-Well?
-It's nice.

What do you mean? What's wrong with it?

Well, you have some Nic-Nacs there.

-Would you try them?
-No.

Bingo.

Well, I'm just wondering

if that article says
what you really think.

But Guy said he wanted
something positive, upbeat.

Guy...

Doug, let me show you something.

[whirring]

Do you remember Candygate?

Um...

[Sally] Maybe it was before your time.

[Doug] Oh.

But what's that got to do
with my Nick-Nac article?

The point is one reporter
blew it all open.

History changed, Doug

just because one person exposed the truth.

Exposed the truth.

[TV reporter] From Bluffington,
it's "Dougline."

With your host Doug Funnie.

Good evening. Tonight...

Nic-Nacs, touted as the snacks that relax

but do they?

With me tonight is Bluffco company
spokesman Ted Whillikers.

Good evening, Doug.

Mr. Whillikers...

Nic-Nacs, they aren't for kids.

Are they, in fact, unsafe?

Oh, no. Nic-Nacs--

Don't you intend to privateer

a lot of booty with these products?

Beg your pardon, Doug?

You know, boodle, swag, plunder.

Aren't Nic-Nacs, in fact a plot
by a bunch of scheming pirates?

I don't know
what you're talking about, matey.

I mean...

Matey?

No! [yells]

[pirate grunts]

Shiver me timbers! Unmasked!

There you have it.
Told you he was a pirate.

Yeah, that's what being
a reporter is about

exposing the truth.

That's the spirit.

Go get 'em, scoop Funnie!

Sally, how do I find out the truth?

That's the hard part, Doug.

You have to go out and really dig.

Nobody's going to just call you up
and give you all the answers.

[ringing]

-Hello?
-[man] Doug Funnie.

For you.

-Hello?
-[man] Doug Funnie?

Listen carefully.

If you want to know
the truth about Nic-Nacs

be at the garage
of the Sleech brothers in one hour.

[Doug] For the first time

I was starting to feel
like a real reporter.

[both] Greetings, Doug Funnie.

[Doug] The figures were shrouded
in darkness.

Who could these mysterious informants be?

Doug Funnie

Nic-Nacs are not the innocent snack
they appear to be.

They are a thr*at
to our very way of life.

Why should I believe you? Who are you?

You have to give me more to go on.

Read the ingredients, Doug Funnie.

Yes, the ingredients.

"Flour, gelatin, menthol

nicoglutinous monopexterate"?

[machines whirring]

[door whooshes]

[sighs]

I am now in the laboratory

where nicoglutinous monopexterate
is manufactured.

It is a green liquid.

[computer] Intruder in sector four.
Code red.

-Intruder in sector four.
-[yells]

Now, take it easy, sir.

Just hand us
the nicoglutinous monopexterate

and nobody gets hurt.

Oh, you mean this? Sure, catch.

[yells] No!

[both gasps] Oh, no.

What's happening?

Oh, no! He's... the Nic-Nac yak!

[yelling]

Huh? [exclaims]

[humming]

Tippy, I should have
quit my job years ago. [chuckles]

I finally got a chance
to work on that novel

I've always wanted to write.

Oh, that's wonderful, Bud.

[chuckles] Dear, would you like
to hear what I've written?

OK, sh**t.

Ready? OK, OK.

Chapter one. [clears throat]

"Winning is easy,
but losing is even easier."

[laughs]

Well, what do you think?

Oh, well, it's a wonderful... beginning.

Really? Well, I have
some other sentences, too.

"Dogs come and go

but a good tie is a friend forever."

Or how about this one?

"In-laws for sale."

-Huh?
-Well, those are nice, too.

Hmm...

They don't all fit together
very well, do they?

Bud, stop me if I'm stepping on toes

but it strikes me that writing a novel

is a bit different
from writing bumper stickers.

[Doug] Hello, Bluffco Industries

this is Doug Funnie of The Weekly Beebe.

And I'm doing a story on Nic-Nacs

and how nicoglutinous monopexterate
is harmful to...

-[buzzing]
-What?

[buzzing]

Yeah, I'm free today. Why?

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Funnie, if you're interested
in nicoglutinous monopexterate

the miracle relaxant,
you're going to love...

[chuckles]

...our company tour.

[announcer] Better everything
through chemicals.

A Bluffco production.

The world of the future
will be an exciting place

but it will also be a hectic one.

[tires screeching]

That's why now more than ever

we need nicoglutinous monopexterate

the miracle relaxant.

[Doug] Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[yelling, laughing]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I hope you've enjoyed
the tour as much as I have, Mr. Funnie.

And if you have any further questions

about nicoglutinous monopexterate

the miracle relaxant

please... [chuckles]

...don't hesitate to ask.

Well, there is this one thing
I sort of wanted to ask.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

[chuckles]

Bring your friends
to ride the roller coaster

any time you want, Doug.

Great. Thanks again.

Hey, Doug, how was Bluffco?

[Doug] It was great.

There were movies and great food
and rides and yaks

and all sorts of stuff.

[speaking gibberish]

Fourteen.

What about Nic-Nacs? Are they safe?

Well, the company representative said...

Well, he was a nice guy

so I'm sure they, uh...

I got taken, didn't I?

Happens to the best of us.
Nice hat, though.

Oh, man.

How I am supposed
to find out the real truth

when everybody's trying to sell me
some kind of angle?

Doug, you have to be a hunter.

You have to sniff things out.

You can't just stand around

and expect the calls to come pouring in.

[ringing]

Hello?

It's a call pouring in.

[man] Go to the World Wide Web terminal
at the public library

and look up "nicoglutinous monopexterate
side effects."

Nicoglutinous monopexterate side effects.

Let's see what we get.

-[beep]
-[Doug] "Journal of hybrid chemistry."

"Biochemical abstracts."

"Supermodel of the day"? Cool!

[laughs] It's amazing...

I mean, dumb, very dumb.

Looks like you've got some reading to do.

Hey, I'm having a party
at my house tonight.

-Why don't you take a break and come over?
-Sure.

But won't it be sort of
an eighth grade party?

Mostly, but I'm inviting
a couple of seventh graders, too.

You won't feel out of place. Come on.

Well, I really should read these tonight.

I'll see if I get a chance. See ya.

♪ Kicking at the chance ♪

♪ Ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba ♪

♪ Eighth grade party ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[ring]

Doug, you made it.

Isn't it great? Everyone showed up.

I love my cat.

...and to an even higher tax bracket.

Who invited him?

Ahh, sorry, Sal. I know he's a loser,
but, yeah, he always brings the Nic-Nacs.

Hey, guys, great party.

Did you bring us some Nic-Nacs?

I don't give them out free, you know.

Oh, come on, Richard, be a sport.

It's Roger.

Well, OK, just this once.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

That is good Nic-Nac.

[spits]

Uh...

No, Doug's not into them. It's cool.

[laughs] Still playing it safe, eh, Doug?

Hmm... huh?

Sally throws a great party.

I wonder who else is here from our class.

No, I don't eat Nic-Nacs

no matter how cool you think they are.

Oh, Doug, you're so play-it-safey.

Yep, playing it safe.

If you'll excuse me

I think I see some of my friends.

Hey, Patti, great party, huh?

Hey, Doug, want some...

Nic-Nacs? [spits]

Huh?

♪ Relax att*ck ♪

♪ Relax att*ck ♪

♪ Why don't you wigwag, laid-back ♪

♪ Toss it back, pick up slack
Clickety-clack, cardiac ♪

♪ Relax att*ck ♪

I feel so relaxed.

♪ Relax att*ck... ♪

Hey, Doug, I read your article

about how Nic-Nacs are bad for you.

[all gasping]

-Huh?
-[growling]

-[yells]
-[crash]

Patti, let me in! I can explain!

Doug, you don't belong here.

Why don't you go hang out
with the rest of the no Nic-Nac losers?

[groans]

And make it more, uh, positive.
Yeah, upbeat.

They are a thr*at to our very way of life.

Hey, Doug, want some...

Nic-Nacs?

[Tippi] Bud, go to sleep, honey.
It's late.

[Bud] I-I have no talent.

I-I deserve to fail.

What's the problem, dear?

Novels! How do they write them?

Plots, subplots, running gags, irony.

How do they do it?

Take w*r and Peace.

Look at all these tiny, little words.

There must be millions of them.

Well, honey, maybe writing
lots of little words

just isn't your thing.

Maybe you're the kind of writer

who writes a few big words.

A few big words?

Is there room in this world

for a guy who just wants
to write a few big words?

Huh?

"Relax with Nic-Nacs."

I know what I can do.

Well, Porkchop

I didn't have my article in the paper

but at least nobody will think
I'm a no Nic-Nac wimp.

[whistling]

Evening, Douglas and canine friend.
[chuckles]

Guess who got a new job.

[Doug] "Yak sacked in Nic-Nac scam"?

You're a yak, Mr. Dink?

Nope, I'm the new headline writer

for The Bluffington Gazette.

Great, but how come you quit your old job?

Oh, Bluffco wanted me to do something
I didn't want to do.

-What was that?
-[chuckles]

It's not important. Well, ooh, oh...

They wanted me to sell Nic-Nacs to kids.

You quit your job for that?

Oh, I don't know if it'll do any good

but at least I can look
in the mirror in the morning

and see my own face looking back at me.

[grunts]

Well, better go make dinner.
Tippy will be home soon. [chuckles]

[whistles]

Mr. Dink quit his job
to keep from pushing Nic-Nacs?

Looks like it was time for me to get busy.

"...shows that nicoglutinous monopexterate

can cause temporary juvenile
oral paralysis."

"Paralysis.

Loss of the ability to move a body part."

Uh-oh.

Listen, Guy,
here's my article on Nic-Nacs.

Sorry to tell you
it's not all that positive.

Hmm? Mmm-hmm.

It turns out Nic-Nacs
can actually cause your mouth

to freeze shut for a while,
sometimes for a whole day.

Now, I know you told me to write
something pro Nic-Nacs

but the fact is, I just couldn't
once I found out the truth.

Look, Guy, I'm sorry

but can't you at least say something?

[mumbling]

Well, mouth... Mouth hungry...

Newspaper...

What? You're hungry for the newspaper?

Dear journal,
my article finally got printed.

In fact, it even got reprinted
in The Bluffington Gazette

with a little help from Mr. Dink.

I didn't look so uncool after all.

Doug, it was so great of you

to dig up all that stuff about Nic-Nacs.

-I don't know what I was thinking.
-Well...

You know what we like to say
in the newspaper game--

-[Guy] Klankgaros here.
-Huh?

Hey, anybody want some klankies?

-From the makers of Nic-Nacs.
-No.

-Thank you.
-No, thanks.

I don't think so.

Oh, Richard.

I know I can count on you.

It's Roger, Gary

and I'm out of the business.

Hey, let's go to Swirly's.

-All right, great idea, Doug.
-[yells in joy]

OK, whatever you say. Your loss!

So, journal, Nic-Nacs seemed
pretty cool for a while

but dancing yaks and roller coaster rides

couldn't hide the fact that
eating them is really stupid.

-[thudding]
-Just ask Guy.