[Alarm buzzing]
(Man on radio) This is Howard stern.
I want to apologize to the following groups: Latinos, native Americans, and mothers against drunk drivers.
I guess the only one i can make fun of is that fat film critic, Jay sherman.
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
[Singing]
[Screaming]
It stinks.
[Remote clicks]
[Tv theme music starts]
Tonight, Clint Eastwood returns as "dirty Harry" in Beverly hills robo-canine cop-and-a-half ii.
Listen, Callahan.
Your partners have a way of dying on you.
So I got you a new rookie.
Fresh from the academy.
Hi.
[Exploding]
That's a new one on me.
All right, Callahan, I've got some new partners for you: A woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.
[Tin whistle playing]
I'll be your lucky charm.
[Sighs]
Swell.
Now, look: You don't like me and I don't like you, but we're in this together.
Any questions? Can I go potty? For the last time, no.
[Toilet flushes]
[German accent]
You think you got problems.
I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, siamese twins, a sofa, and a second-rate mime.
Hey, I'm stuck in a box.
I can't get oh, well.
I've created a new scale Well, we're past scurvy, leprosy, unidentified yellow discharge, and the winner is: Spastic colon.
Good night.
Hold on there a minute, chumly.
I'm on the phone with the spastic colon people, and they're not happy.
Uh, can you hold? Oh.
You can't.
Sorry, Duke.
I can't stop.
I'm on my way to my son's slumber party.
I really appreciate you helping out.
You're welcome.
But I'm not sure I like penny hangin' around with these older, New York types.
She might pick up bad habits.
Oh, come on.
[Chuckles]
You worry too much.
See you tomorrow, honey.
Goodbye, darling.
I hope your toches feels better.
See what I mean? [Kids squealing]
Son, are any more of your friends from the u.
N.
School coming? Just that funny-looking kid from easter island.
I don't know where he is.
[Banging]
[Computer game buzzing]
Greetings, earthlings.
We come in peace.
We bring you new techniques to end world hunger (all) Yeah! We bring you cures for all known disease (all) Yeah! Kids, this is Jimmy Carter.
I've met with these peaceful aliens.
And as the worst president of this century, I urge [beeps]
(All) Yeah! [Game beeping]
[All squabbling]
I must taste blood.
Jay, my daughter's been at your party for 5 minutes, and already she wants to taste blood.
Yeah, but when she says it, it sounds so cute.
"Blood.
" That's it.
We're outta here.
[Gasps]
Children, I denounce you and your violent ways.
We're gonna watch nice, wholesome, a.
B.
C.
T.
V.
Dan, a lesbian kissed me.
Can she live in the basement? Oh Kids, no t.
V.
Either.
All right, listen up.
We're gonna sit and tell stories, and I'm gonna give a prize for the best one.
[Arabic accent]
What about w*r stories? My father was a pilot during the Gulf w*r.
[Asian accent]
My father too played a pivotal role in the Gulf w*r.
He wrote a big check.
Well, my dad is a Gulf w*r hero.
Really? I don't think so, Martin.
[Chuckling]
Well, no.
No, I it's true.
Here's a photo of me with president bush after I came back.
(Asian boy) George Bush? The man who vomited on our prime minister.
We call him puko-San.
Tell us your story, Uncle Jay, please.
(All) Yeah, tell us.
Yeah, tell us, Uncle Jay.
Oh, I shouldn't.
It's my best story.
I just use it to impress women.
Wait a minute.
You're a woman! What gave me away? If I told you, you'd slap me.
The year was 1991.
(Jay) I had received an invitation to the prestigious Baghdad film festival.
A large humus and a small goat.
[Kurdish accent]
Excellent choice, sir.
[Speaking kurdish]
(Jay) And so the festival began, with films like bill and akhmet's excellent adventure, the towering infidel and brown acres.
[Green acres tune playing]
(Man with arabic accent) brown acres is the place to be tent living is the life for me sand spreading out so hot and wide the temperature's 105 at night (women) the culture (man) the vulture fresh figs uh, no pigs you are my wives goodbye city lives (all) brown acres, we are there what's next? My mother, the camel? [All ululating]
Thank you.
(Jay) Iraq was on the brink of w*r.
I was about to get out.
Then fate intervened.
Baghdad airport, and step on it.
Sure thing, Mac.
You're from New York? Yeah.
I'm part of the cabby exchange program.
Yeah, see, they send all the foreign cabbies to New York, while all the New York cabbies come here.
That way, no cabby speaks the language of the country he works in.
That is the stupidest now, don't worry.
I'll get you to the airport.
I know a shortcut through the desert, over here.
[Rattling]
[Yelping]
[Jay yelling]
(Cabby) Aw, nuts! Camel crossing.
Freakin' camels.
Move your humps! So, who do you like in the Gulf w*r? I'm bettin' on the U.
S.
[Gasps]
(Jay) Meanwhile, back in America [Country music playing]
(Male announcer) We interrupt hee haw: The next generation for a special news report.
[Trumpets playing fanfare]
Good evening.
The air campaign against Iraq has begun, but we are fortunate enough to have a correspondent on the scene in downtown Baghdad.
Come in, Jay sherman.
(Jay) I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! Jay, we're live.
Hello, movie fans.
Sherman here.
As I stand here at the crossroads of history, one thought comes to mind: I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! (Male announcer) And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
[Country music playing]
[Indian accent]
Mr.
sherman, please tell us more of your story.
(All) Yeah! Yeah! I heard the Iraqis used chemical weapons.
Were you exposed to any? Um, just a smidge.
[Buzzing]
That's better.
Anyway Every night the planes would come and let loose their destruction.
[Explosions]
[f*ring]
[Beeps]
Back at home, my boss was very upset.
Would you look at these ratings? Ted Turner's k*lling us.
It's that tomahawk chop.
[Chanting]
Well, I've been workin' on my own visual.
[Grunts]
Well, what do you think? Uh, it's very similar to what the Nazis used, sir.
Oh.
Uh, do you think they'd mind? Uh, about Jay sherman, sir.
He's trapped in Baghdad.
Great! I want him reporting around the clock.
What do you think of this gesture? [Sputtering]
Sir, I think it's rather [sputtering]
Wonderful.
(Male announcer) This is p.
N.
N.
[Duke sputtering]
Duke, stop that.
[Chuckling]
Here I am in Baghdad, standing in front of one of the many, many, many, many, many, many, many pictures of S*ddam Hussein.
He's everywhere, just like Madonna, only with fewer enemies and a smaller moustache.
It's hour 10 of our coverage.
Scud missiles continue to fly but do very little damage.
Ow! [Sputters]
And that's how you get rid of a boil.
It's hour 35 of our coverage now, and I thought I'd show you pictures from my wallet.
Here's me as a baby.
And here's me the day I got thrown out of the Bronx zoo.
[Iranian accent]
You're under arrest.
For what? Impersonating our leader! Things never looked worse.
There I was, with my head stuck in a honeypot.
I thought you were stuck in an Iraqi prison.
[Laughing]
Yes, of course.
How could a grown man get his head stuck in a honeypot? I couldn't rest.
(Jay) I wrote a plea for help and tied the note to a rat.
[Rat squeaking]
You're my only hope, Lassie.
[Bird screeching]
[Bird screeching]
[Rat squeaking]
Junk mail.
Junk mail.
Junk mail.
Rat from Jay.
(Jay) Finally, under thr*at of t*rture, they forced me to renounce my own government on t.
V.
[Gasps]
[Door slams]
We want you to make him look presentable.
Done and done.
Hookah break.
[Water bubbling]
[Groaning]
Where did you learn to do makeup? Iraqi soap operas.
Morshida, how can I know the baby's mine? He has your eyes, and your smile.
[Gurgles]
Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna betray my country.
You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you! Like I'm not used to that.
Read this.
"There's going to be a really bitchin' kegger tonight, at captain raheem's tent.
" That's mine.
Read this! "Dear urkel, you are so funny.
"Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, captain raheem.
" Give me that! "Single arabic captain wishes to meet non-kurdish woman.
I like puppies, Kenny g, and walks on the beach.
" Whoo-hoo! Kenny g! [Cursing incoherently]
[Choking]
What's going to happen to our darling little boy? Don't worry, my darling.
I have friends in high places who take care of everything.
[Birds chirping]
Franklin, great to see you.
Been years.
Mr.
president, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him.
Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return.
You asked to be secretary of balloon doggies.
I didn't ask to be secretary of balloon doggies.
The balloon doggies demanded it! Isn't that right, balloon doggy? No.
Shut up! Oh, lord.
[All chattering]
Antonio, you almost ready there? [Spanish accent]
Just call me "Tony the tiger.
" [Thudding footsteps]
Mr.
sherman, you still haven't told us how you got out of prison.
Well, president bush had launched a rescue attempt.
Meanwhile, I was forced to watch American films redubbed into outrageous propaganda by the Iraqis.
All right, i want y'all to go and surrender to S*ddam, but first we're gonna put on petticoats and have a sissy slap-fight.
Eh, that's right.
We're all yellow.
[Laughs]
I'm an Iraqi doodle dandy Iraqi doodle do or die ooh, yeah, yeah.
[Helicopter hovering]
(Man on loudspeaker) Jay sherman, this is the U.
S.
air force.
We've come to rescue you.
Climb into the harness.
[Engine groaning]
I don't understand.
This thing's supposed to lift a t*nk.
Could you talk a little louder? I think a few people in Jordan didn't hear you.
(Man) Yes, we did! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[Grunting]
[Screams]
[Screaming]
Come on, men! [All cheering]
It was like Lawrence of Arabia.
(Jay) Ours was a noble little band.
Anwar, the handsome Egyptian pilot.
Arthur, a playboy from New York.
[Laughing]
[British accent]
Now, that's what I call a dry Martini.
[Slurring]
They sent me here to dry out, but this is ridiculous.
[Laughing]
Hey, hey, where are you going, guys? Guys? You are the ugliest flamingo I've ever seen.
[Vultures screeching]
Oh, God, I'm funny.
For days, we wandered the desert, danger around every dune.
Halt! Before you pass, you must answer the riddle of the sphinx.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
All right, all right, all right, that was an easy one.
When is a door not a door? When it is ajar.
Ok, ok, ok.
One more.
What is green and sings? Elvis parsley.
I also would have accepted Fred asparagus.
Oh, what is the point of all this? I'm so lonely.
(Jay) I did everything I could to make the men happy.
A wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh, a wimoweh a wimoweh, a wimoweh a wimoweh, a wimoweh (Jay) in the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight weeee wee-o-lo-deh-lay weeeeee wee-o-lo-deh-lay (Jay) Meanwhile, in America, a worried nation speculated on my fate.
[Drum roll]
The number 3 reason Jay sherman is lost in the desert: Dan quayle gave him directions.
[Audience laughing]
[Audience applauding]
Number 2: He used a compass made by pinheads at g.
E.
You hear that, Paul? "Pinheads at g.
E.
" And the number one reason Jay sherman is lost in the desert: Buttafuoco, buttafuoco, buttafuoco! [Band playing]
[Audience applauding]
(Jay) My friends had not forgotten me.
Uh, this is "critic aid," take one.
[Music playing]
Somewhere out Iraqi way amid the sand is our friend Jay he fought off bombs and bayonets to him we raise our raisinets (Jay) But the $1.
75 they raised would come too little, too late.
[Squawking]
Look, a mirage! [Squealing]
There's another one.
Hey, I tell you, this hole is a par 702.
That's some hole, you know.
Grrr [Screeching]
Whoa, I haven't had a ride this scary since I sold my pinto.
Grrr Yeah.
(Jay) And then, finally, we could go no further.
(Stomach) Jay, don't despair.
God? (Stomach) No, man, it's me, your stomach.
Your salvation lies over the next hill.
Now, rise! Come on, men! [All cheering]
[All exclaiming]
[All cheering]
My goodness.
You are a real hero.
And when I returned, I got a hero's welcome.
Sir, are you sure it's wise to be photographed with a film critic? It's the most despised profession there is Except for pre-op groin shaver.
Hey, my approval rating's 90 percent.
How much harm can a little film critic do? That's some story.
I guess you win the prize.
And what might that be? I don't know.
A kiss? A kiss? But you have not heard my story.
It's called, "honey, I shrunk the pope.
" You will get a cookie.
(Stomach) Oh, man, I could have had a cookie.
[Chomping]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
Is the snack bar still open? [Chattering]
Shh.