[Phone rings]
Hello.
(Woman) Jay, this is Manhattan magazine.
We've got some responses to your personal ad.
"No," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," and "no.
" [Wheels creaking]
[Ice cracking]
[All screaming]
[All groaning]
[Dinosaur screeching]
[Woman shouting]
It stinks.
[Remote clicks]
Finally, tonight we will review the latest documentary from Ken burns, who brought us the civil w*r and baseball.
It's a new 29-hour epic entitled electric football.
Here's a clip from episode 17: "This game sucks.
" [Whirring]
If you ask me, electric football is a metaphor for America.
Always shakin', always noisy, never really knowing where it's goin'.
[Chuckles]
Wait a minute.
America's nothing like electric football.
It's just a stupid game that doesn't even work.
Get that camera off me.
You heard me? Get your documentary-making butt out of here.
Well, here's what I think.
Sorry, son.
Our research shows people don't care what you think.
They just tune in for the funny clips.
Are you telling me they'd rather watch Fine.
I don't need this.
Tonight's my parents' 40th anniversary.
You just show all the stupid cats you [Meows]
Ha, ha! They are cute.
[Ping-pong ball clacking]
Jay, I'm a little nervous about going to your parents' house.
[Grunting]
Son, your new lady friend seems awfully quiet.
I'll just poke her with this fork.
[Bursting]
[Whooshing]
[Air hissing]
[Auld lang syne playing]
[People chattering]
Jay, Alice, I'm so glad you could make it.
It's wonderful to see a couple that's still together after 40 years.
Ow! Oh, she's a real one.
Yeah, not one of his better days.
I'm afraid it is one of his better days.
Oh, our marriage is at a new low.
Franklin just isn't the man he used to be.
Make way for El kabong! [Smashing]
Kabong! Very good, sir.
Your attention, please.
I thought on the night of my parents' 40th anniversary, we should look back at the day when it all began.
[Whirring]
[Beeps]
[Music playing]
(Male narrator) The year is 1955.
On the waterfront wins the Oscar for best picture.
Here's marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor at the post-Oscar party.
They eat and eat and never gain an ounce.
Get me the butter.
[Belches loudly]
Over in anaheim, Disneyland opens.
And here's a mischievous character known for not always telling the truth.
That's right.
It's vice president Nixon.
[Growling]
Meanwhile, in Manhattan, everyone's turned out for the marriage of Eleanor wigglesworth and Franklin sherman.
Franklin, a rhodes scholar who's never had a drink in his life, samples the punch whipped up by young Ted Kennedy.
[Gulping]
[Imitating curly of the three stooges]
[Whooping]
Shut up, you chowderhead.
Nyah-ah-ah [Laughing]
What are you laughing at, Einstein? [Growls]
Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
[Screams]
Take that, Mrs.
Roosevelt.
[Audience applauding]
And now, Jay and I have gotten you the perfect anniversary present: A 3-week vacation for just the 2 of you.
Mmm-mmm-mmm! Oh, lord.
It's the same tropical island where I spent my honeymoon.
(Man) I'm sorry, Jay.
To appease the volcano God, we must sacrifice a virgin.
[All grunting]
[Rumbling]
Did you have to tell everybody? [Volcano rumbling]
[Jay screams]
I'm hot.
[Volcano roaring]
[Screaming]
[Grunts]
After that they had 10 years of pestilence and plague.
(Eleanor) Maybe this vacation is just what we need.
[Horn honking]
[Tires screeching]
Franklin, slow down.
[Horn honking]
[Tires screech]
Are you mad, dear? Can't you see the danger we're in? [Honking]
(Crowd) On strike! On strike! On strike! On strike.
I could put you in touch with a man who could help you.
A man named El kabong.
Oh, that won't be necessary.
Oh, yes, it will.
[Smashing]
Kabong! There must be some airline that will honor our tickets.
[Engines faltering]
This flight is dreadfully bumpy.
I'll go have a word with the captain.
[Gasps]
A penguin? [Rattling]
And he's been drinking.
Wait a minute.
Penguins can't fly.
Penguins can't fly! [Plane engine whining]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, thank you very much.
There's still no sign of the plane.
They'll find 'em.
I'm sure they will.
It's only been a week.
As your family attorney, I'm afraid I can't put this off any longer.
Several years ago, your parents made this video will narrated by Orson welles.
Hello.
I'm Orson welles.
What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery (Man) Mr.
welles, this is a video will.
What? Look, I don't need to do this.
I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour.
Oh, what the hell.
I need the money.
What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries and goblins.
Mr.
welles Fine.
Fine.
No goblins.
I give you the living will.
[Laughing deviously]
[Dripping]
Hello, dears.
If you're watching this, then Franklin and I have passed on.
And I have a confession to make.
When Jay was a baby, I dropped him on his head.
I mean, for a whole day.
To our daughter margo, we leave the antique music box she loves so.
[Music playing]
[Crying]
And when she turns 18, half our fortune.
Until then we leave total control of our estate to our son Jay.
These assets total roughly 1 billion dollars.
A billion dollars? Remember us, dears.
[Film ends]
And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs.
pell's.
(Man) This isn't a commercial.
I know.
That was just a declaration of love.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
They're even better raw.
I'd gladly give back every penny to know they were still alive.
[Penguin grumbling]
I don't care how many stewardesses you've bagged.
You're a lousy pilot.
[Grumbling]
Our last film tonight is the bodyguard ii, staring Kevin costner and the 3 tenors.
[Grunting]
We will always love you [grunting]
Boy, this guy can't carry a tune.
[All laughing]
Hey, fellas, I think he's dead.
[All laughing]
Listen, I'll be honest, my parents are missing.
I've got a billion dollars to deal with.
I just don't feel like reviewing today.
[Whistling]
Oh, hello, dear.
Why, Franklin, what a lovely house you've built.
No thanks to him.
[Grumbling]
And look! In case a plane flies over Done and done.
Oh, it's hopeless.
They could be anywhere in the South pacific.
Well, I don't care.
I'm going to keep sending out search planes until we find something.
Meanwhile, I've got to take a tour of our family businesses.
You mean, you don't know where your money comes from? Hey, as long as they put bread on the table, I didn't ask questions.
(Stomach) Well, I've got some questions.
How 'bout butter with that bread? And maybe a nice chunk of ham? Patience, my pet.
Jay, honey? Who you talking to? Uh-oh, they're onto me.
I better emit a cloud of noxious amnesia gas.
It's not amnesia gas.
But it sure is noxious.
You've gotta give me that.
[Music box playing]
[Wind howls]
Margo Mom! Does this mean you're dead? No, you're thinking of Barbara stanwyck.
Margo, you must never stop searching.
Let my love guide you.
Let my lo that's a rather sheer nightie for a girl your age.
Mother.
And stop slouching And remember: Petting doesn't make you popular It's a sign! They're alive! (Welles) Yes, they're alive, but I have gone to a better place.
A place filled with Mrs.
pell's fish sticks.
[Smacks lips]
Mmm, yes.
Oh, yes They're even better when you're dead.
Mmm.
Mr.
sherman, your family's ad agency has clients all over America.
This commercial appeals to gay, generation-xers.
Ok, who was cuter: Uncle jed or Jethro? Jethro was a bimbo.
(All) Uncle jed.
Ok, ok.
On bewitched: Darrin number 1 or Darrin number 2? I liked Uncle Arthur.
[Laughing]
[Whirring]
You mean this cost us a penny to make, and we sell it for 10 dollars? I won't stand for this.
Here, drink this.
Profits, good.
Price controls, bad.
How long will he be like this? Not long.
Oh, and he may get some unexpected hair growth.
[Babbling]
I can't believe it.
Every company we own is greedy, deceptive, and poisoning the American public.
Now, to encourage kids to smoke, we've recruited Humphrey the hippo.
Hey, kids.
Have you been smokin' like I asked you to? [In raspy voice]
Yeah, I'm up to 4 packs a day.
Today, Humphrey's going to teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed.
[Gasping]
You get ice cream! (All) Yay! [Coughing]
Yay.
That's it.
I'm shuttin' this place down.
But Mr.
sherman, think of the children.
If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex? You're a bad man.
Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up.
I need a hug.
Starting now, I'm going to use our family fortune for noble causes.
In that crate, I have trapped the 2 most irritating new yorkers: Regis philbin and kathie Lee gifford.
(Kathie) Cody just did the cutest thing.
(Regis) Shut up, you no-talent harpy, we're trapped in a box! I'm shipping them both to California.
Looks like they sent something back.
[Roaring]
[Thumping]
[Train rumbling]
I greased the tracks to make the train run much quieter.
Well, how's it going to stop? Stop? [People screaming]
Oh, sure.
Blame the guy with the bucket of grease.
Mom, dad, I've tried my best to honor you with your money, but somehow I feel I haven't done enough.
[Hissing]
Oh, for God's sake.
New York's filthy, darlin'.
That's it.
That's what I'll do with the family fortune! I'm going to tidy up this city! No more graffiti, no more garbage on the street.
A significant reduction in that urine smell.
I vow to use my family fortune to clean up New York! [Rumbling]
Run for your life! Roseanne's on the loose! [Roaring]
(Jay) Starting tomorrow, I'm cleaning up New York in honor of my parents, Franklin and Eleanor sherman.
Mr.
sherman, I'm from the New York post.
Do you mind if we take a few liberties with your story? Uh no.
More tea, my dear? Yes, please.
Oh, shackle-ape.
[Gibbering]
More tea for the lady.
[Gibbering]
Yes, you may use the hot tub.
Franklin, this ordeal has done wonders for you.
Your body's leaner, like Johnny weissmuller's.
Your sex drive's increased, like Bob barker's.
I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.
Come, my dear.
Let us relive our honeymoon night.
Oh, Franklin.
[Giggling]
[Gibbering]
[Water bubbling]
[Giggles]
[Pulley squeaks]
[All clamoring]
[All groaning]
Where do we put the old gum, Uncle Jay? Just stick it on that big ball.
Uh-oh.
[Rumbling]
I'd like to say Happy Birthday to Goldie hawn, who turns 100 today.
[Rumbling]
What the [All screaming]
[Crashing]
[Screams]
At last someone's had the gumption to roll up his sleeves and clean up the litter in this town.
If you ask me, Jay sherman's a hero.
Good night.
That's right.
I'm a hypocrite.
Who wants a piece of me? Come on.
[Computer keys clicking]
Margo, you might be interested in this.
The flight recorder from your parents' plane.
Vlada, how did you get this? Well We were selling bouillabaisse made with fresh fish from the South pacific when Vlada, there's a black box in my soup.
I will get you a new bowl immediately.
Sorry, mama.
There's an old lady's stocking in my soup.
She's not so old.
I mean, that's a noodle.
Ew! Why'd you tell me that story? Because the true story would have been too horrible for you to contemplate.
Enjoy.
(Man) This is ground control.
You're 200 Miles east of Fiji.
(Franklin) The plane's going to crash and our pilot's a penguin! [Penguin grumbling]
(Franklin) No, I will not play with you.
Daddy! [Rhapsody in blue playing]
(Man) We're gathered here today to honor Jay sherman, the gutty little guy who cleaned up Manhattan.
[Crowd cheering]
I'm proud of you, honey.
Now, Jay, to thank you for making our city beautiful again, we're throwing you a ticker tape parade.
[Stars and stripes forever playing]
[All grunting]
[All cheering]
Hotchie-motchie! Oh, if only there were some small sign.
[Margo gasps]
It's them! (Franklin) Hands off my wife, you big ape.
[Grumbles]
[Airplane approaching]
Mom, dad! We found you! Oh, princess, I knew you would.
Children, this vacation has done wonders for our marriage.
Thank you.
You're welcome, mom.
Now let's go home.
Don't be in such a hurry, son.
There's a lot on this little island you might enjoy.
[Water bubbling]
Dad, I think they're planning to eat us.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm their hero.
Oh! [Munching]
[Gulps]
[Slurping]
[Munching]
[Gulping]
[Slurping]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
[Audience murmuring]
Shh!