03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

'The following programme
contains drug references,

'and very strong and sexual language
from the outset.'

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Look at this sh*t.
Back to its former glory.

Like a phoenix from the flames.

Oh, my God. Tyler's play.
f*ck! What time is it?

Where's them dickheads?
Oi, oi, Ash? Cardi?

sh*t.

What the f*ck's going on here?
Nothing.

Well, why is all that out?
What you watching?

It's not doll p*rn.

It has to stop.
Last time I am telling yer!

f*cking idiot. We got caught.

♪ The best things
In life are free... ♪

We're f*cking two wheels
in the sand here, we're late!

I said we would be.
This is your f*cking fault...

Stop worrying, we'll make it.
Honestly... f*ck me.

This play better be f*cking good,
I tell you what...

Who will help me dig the earth?

(LAMB)
I won't!
(CAT) I won't!

(PIG)
I won't!

I will do it myself.

Who will help me plant this wheat?

I won't!
I won't!

I won't!
f*cking hell. Flat! f*cking pig...

I will do it myself.

Who will help me water these seeds?

I won't!
I won't!

I won't!
That f*cking pig... he's really...

He's really good.
I will do it myself.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)

All the pupils of year three
have all made a special card,

to show how much we love...
(CHILDREN)
You.

They each have a special message
inside for the people we love.

(APPLAUSE)

Daddy. Daddy.
Oh, thanks, buddy.

That's lovely.

Come here and give me a love.
Oh, you are getting heavy.

Mummy.
Oh, you were so bloody good.

Who was the pig?
You were a lot better than the pig.

I thought the pig was lacklustre.

Ashley, what's going on?
Are you alright?

You might wanna put that out...

Sorry...
..it's a school.

It's just my father.

I've been thinking about him a lot,
since Mammy went back to Ireland.

All this, like...

..I never had any of that,
let alone the people in the seats.

Do you miss him?

No, not Daddy,
no, not that arsehole.

My actual REAL dad.

Look at me, lads, I don't look
anything like the others.

Mammy was adamant.
Every time I asked her.

We all had the same dad. Daddy.

f*cked if he's my dad.

Cause she'd have to admit
to having an affair.

Yeah, but I don't care.
Sure, I'm a grown adult, like...

I don't care what she did.

Hang on...

We're were gonna tell you
at the pub tonight.

Err, me and Carol, cos...

we're getting married again.
(GASPS)

N-Niall is gonna be there.

He knows all the family secrets,
doesn't he?

So...
We could just, like, ambush him

and get him to tell you the truth.

That's a f*cking good idea.

Niall, he gets really weird,
anything to do with my mammy.

Now, listen,
there isn't a day goes by

where I don't think about my mum
leaving me, man, honestly...

she's out there somewhere.

I mean, if you find your dad,
he could be a massive knob head,

but at least we tried, y'know?

Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah! Yeah!

(CALM, CHILLED MUSIC)

Go on, sod off.

(SLIDING DOOR GRINDS)

(SIGHS)

You're still his Uncle Dylan.

Look, you are just as important
to him now

as you ever f*cking were, man.

I know.

What the f*ck's going on with you,
man?

I'm fine.

f*ck off.

Talk to me!
I'm fine.

I...
(SCOFFS)

I dunno, I'm just...

I dunno, just, it feels like...

..you've got,
you've got something I had.

Y'know?

I was, I was kind of his dad,
y'know, and now...

You still are his f*cking dad, dude.
I'm not his dad. I am not his dad.

She, she got rid of my kid,

and I know that sounds like
a f*cking broken record...

but it's hard, alright.
It is f*cking hard...

..to forgive her for that.
Yeah.

Y'know, I just...
that's some sort of irony...

Y'know, stop shagging round
and just...

..y'know, find someone
I can have a life with, because...

You're right. You do need to f*cking
sort yourself out. I agree.

But I am telling you now, man,

with no agenda at all,
that f*cking boy adores you.

Do you understand?

That card there is for both of us.
It's not just mine, man.

Now stop having sex
with random strangers.

You're gonna get f*cking chlamydia.

Again.
Give me a love.

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

♪ You don't have to say you love me

♪ Just be close at hand. ♪

To Carol and Cardi!

(ALL)
Cardi and Carol.
(CHEERS)

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

It doesn't mean we've gotta
steal another wedding, does it?

I don't think I can do that again...
No.

We're keeping this one real simple.
Registry office, booze up,

then a honeymoon
on Three Eyed Pete's barge.

Three Eyed Pete? f*ck me.

I thought he went to prison for
flashing his knob on the tow path?

He did,
that's why the barge is available.

(LAUGHTER)

Congratulations.
Thanks. Second time lucky, innit!

Does he get a plus one,
for the wedding reception?

Err, yes, certainly. Yes.

I'm only joking,
unless you want me to come,

I mean, I'd love to,
I do love a wedding.

He would love you to come with him,

he's just brutal
at talking to girls.

Great. Well, look forward to it.

Alright, yeah. f*cking hell.

(WHOOPS)

Stop wooing me, dudes.

She's into you something fierce,
Vin.

No. No.
It just feels a bit inappropriate

going to a wedding for a first date,
dude. Very intense.

Here, look, Niall's on his own
over there, will you talk to him?

♪ You don't have to stay forever
I will understand... ♪

Alright, Erin.
Alright, Mick.

I hear you and Dylan
aren't together?

Yeah, you heard right.

Well, you're in luck!
I'm single, as it goes.

Bird I was seeing
pissed off to Whitley Bay.

Right. Why Whitley?

God knows. Must have fancied
moving down South.

It's up North. It's near Newcastle.

Is it?
Yeah.

Bitch told me
it was on the East coast.

It is, it's the North East.

North East?

Didn't know
the North East had a coast.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(ELVIS VOICE)
Thank you very much.

Here he is, big lad.
How are you keeping?

Hi, Vinnie.
You're looking well now.

Quick chat with yer?

Been a bit worried
about our Ashley recently.

He seems a bit down in the dumps.

Anyway...

I think I've found out why.
It's his dad.

What about his dad?
He's just wondering what's going on.

He knows he don't look like
the rest of yous, y'know...

What are you talking about?
Not the same da as the rest of us?

Let's be grown ups.
He's mixed race, in't he.

Vinnie, you're talking shite.
I'm not talking shite.

He's f*cking definitely mixed race.
Vinnie, that's enough.

Niall, he is not bothered,
he's not angry, or owt,

he just wants to meet his real dad.

You saying my mother
had an extra marital affair?

Is that what you're suggesting,
Vincent O'Neil,

that my mother cheated on
her loving husband with a black man.

He didn't love her.

Dude, he used to press his d*ck up
against the f*cking bus window,

remember when we drove past...
How f*cking dare you?

Niall!
What's he said?

What have you said?
Nothing.

Let me hit him.
No, listen, I've already hit him.

f*cking ring caught me on't lip,
dude.

We're going.

Not standing here being insulted
by this baldy bastard.

Sorry, man.
I didn't mean to upset anyone.

Oh, you fucker.
Prick.

That's just... f*ck me.

My f*cking lip and d*ck.

How did it go over there?
I got hit, twice.

Oh, I need to be sick.

(COUGHS)
See you at the wedding.

(TENSE, SLOW MUSIC)

-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-

(SCREAMS)

Erin!
(SCREAMS)

It's only me, I'm free.

Ja-rasta-fary. Yes, blessed I am.

You stupid f*cking bastard.
What, did I scare you?

♪ Oh, Danny Boy

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling

♪ From glen to glen... #
Ash.

You're my brother, right.
No matter what, you're my brother.

But you know the rules,
we don't go delving in the past. OK?

You didn't get that from me.

You're sh*t in a bucket, Anthony,
that's what we call you, int it?

sh*t in a bucket!

And I've heard
what you've been saying

about your lady
fighting me, ha-ha...

I don't know, man. What's the deal?

Why do you think Niall's telling us
go visit your Aunty Pat?

Don't think that's your dad, do yer?
I'd thought about it.

Do you think I look like him?

..you f*cking sh*t in a bucket...

I don't f*cking know,
I mean, Tyler's my little lad.

Y'know, do I look anything like him?

No. No. No.
Exactly.

No, he's a terrific looking boy.
He is, y'know...

Well, he is, in't he?
That bone structure.

That's all his mum.
I was a cute baby. Everyone said.

Everyone said that, did they?
Everyone?

Dickhead, listen to this...

Ashley, I was involved in a very
prestigious award at Hawley fair

when I was just 12 months old.

Guess what the award was?
Go on.

Beautiful baby competition, it was.
I won the f*cking thing.

No way!
Now, who told you that, eh?

Huh?

Obviously you can't remember it,
so who told you?

My dad.
Your dad told you?!

Yeah.
Because he used to f*cking gamble

and I didn't like it
and I'd have a go at him.

He'd say, "Shut up Vincent,
you've gotta be in it to win it...

"look at you, and that..."

You and that
beautiful baby competition.

Just f*ck off, dude. sh*t.
Ha-ha!

sh*t.

♪ Everyday

♪ Things are getting worse

♪ Everyday...#
Ronnie.

Right, sit up, 'ere.
(STRETCHES)

Come on, Erin, can your brother
not just get the sleep he needs?

Ronnie, sit the f*ck up,
it's burning my hand.

f*cking hell. For God's sake.
Ow.

(SNORTS)

That's an alright brew, that, Ezzo.
Mmm.

You're still a Buddhist then
I take it?

Buddhist? Oh, come on, Erin.
Labels man. Labels. Labels. Labels.

I've had enough of them.
I've had 'em all my life, man.

People go,
"Oh, Ronnie, he's rubbish."

"Ronnie is f*cking thick."

"Ronnie is a feckless, violent,
aggressive thief..."

You are all them things though.
That... I WAS Erin.

W to the O to the S. WAS.

So, what I'm gonna do is...
Go on...

..I'm gonna prove to you, Erin,
that I can...

I can make a go of things.

Turn things around without
having to resort to like, erm...

Oh, what's the f*cking word...

rather than kicking someone's
head in and taking the money.

How you gonna do that?
Easy.

Get a job. Yeah!

Earn money, legit vibes,

and then f*ck off to Ireland
and hook up...

Do you remember Donal McGuinness?
The extortionist?

Not anymore,
he runs a guest house in Cork,

but he's looking for
a f*cking sous chef. A-ha, hello.

And that's you, is it?

Erin, have you not seen me?
I'm a f*cking whizz with the wok.

When I was inside, everyone
used to call me 'Ronnie The Wok'.

Yeah, "Ronnie Wok Wok.
Ronnie go chop chop."

"Foo Young Croft,"
they used to call me.

"Char Sui Ronnie," big style, yeah.

I'm turning, I'm turning,
I'm turning over a new leaf.

There you go. Well done.
Thank you very much.

OK. Alright.
Well, you can't stay here.

What?
Right, one...

I've got a paying lodger.
- Shugs.
- Yeah.

Two, I got an eight-year-old,
that doesn't need the bad influence

from his lazy, thieving uncle,
that's why.

So, who's got a f*cking spare room
then?

Do I look like
a f*cking halfway house

for the waifs and strays of society?

Bleeding heart liberals
chucking open their doors

to every daft c**t with a sob story.

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, they had a bad upbringing.

Oh, they were molested
by their Uncle Philip.

Oh, they've got, um,
connection issues.

f*ck off!

They're selfish robbing twats,

never done a decent days work
in their lives.

And you can send as many
f*cking theatre workshops

as you like into prisons,

they're not gonna come out
quoting Romeo and cunting Juliet.

Is that a yes, or a no?

Argh!

(THUMP)

(SLAP)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Go on!

(THUMP)

Christ.

I know how he feels.

That there, that's how life
is treating me at the moment.

Argh!

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

Shame.
Hm.

Hard luck there, Auntie Pat.
Hey, alright, young Ashley.

Where you been?
I didn't see you in the crowd.

Too busy hiding behind my hands.

(LAUGHS)
Good man.

Remind me.
I'm Vinnie.

I was that big
last time you seen me, Pat.

Tommo. I don't think we've met.
Ah, you look familiar.

Didn't you used to run
the Rat and Cutter.

Hey, hey, hey,
that is fake news, pal, that is.

I still run it. I'm the proprietor,
I'm the f*cking visionary.

Yeah, last Christmas party,

didn't you play
one of the horny Elves?

(VINNIE CLEARS THROAT)

Is he alright?
Yeah. Yeah. Sensitive.

Here he is.
Brews up.

Thanks, Auntie. Thank you.
No problem.

Go on, get that down yer.
Nice one, mate.

Now then...

what are you all doing here then,
eh?

I am sensing
this isn't just a social visit.

It's not really, no.

I mean, f*ck it, let's just come
straight out with it.

His mam is saying that Der...

Diarmuid.
Diarmuid is his real dad, right?

Same as his brothers,
but that can't be true, y'know?

So, we've come to you
to see what you know, man.

Why me?

You were always around
when we were growing up.

You know Mammy well.

You know she was no saint.
She liked the d*ck.

OK.
But don't well all, eh?

I'm not gay, but I'll suck a d*ck
every now and again.

And I like wearing dresses,
you know,

but I wouldn't want
my langer cutting off

like that sex change lot.
Mmm.

I knew this guy from the community
had surgery,

and when it finished
he asked for his... her balls back,

had them set in a paperweight.

I said, "Why did you get them
set in a paperweight?"

When does paper ever blow away?
Fair point.

She says she sometimes
works in the garden,

it can get windy, y'know, so I said,

"I'll build you a bigger fence,
make it a sun trap".

The thing with Dad...

She's got a beautiful garden.
God, you should see it.

She's got Campanula Muralis,
it's dead hard to grow.

Forms this dense mat of foliage...
Pat! Pat! Pat!

Sorry, Bredrin, I'm just gonna
stop you right there.

It sounds like a sick garden,

but you might be
a bit concussed, lad.

(FLINCHES)
I won't know for a while yet.

Listen, Pat...

..you are essentially
part of the family.

You were always drinking with Daddy,
or having a cr*ck with Mammy.

Dancing around in the kitchen.

There was a couple of nights there
where you'd sleep over.

Do you see what I am saying?
Oh, son...

..I wish I could help.

I mean, I know she used to like
to have affairs,

her little comfort flings,
as she used to call them...

(GIGGLES)

..but who with, I don't know,

and which, if any,
is your real dad...

No bother.
Sorry about that.

Right. Gents, on that note,
I am having a slash.

Yeah, knock yourself out, horny elf.

Come on, you lot,
let's talk about something happier.

(SLOW, MELLOW MUSIC)

It's private. Put it back.

I'm telling you now,
there's summat in them photo albums

he doesn't want us to see.
Like what?

Like photos
of him and your mum together?

Or a photo of him as a young lad,
thirty years ago,

looking a bit like yourself.

Right, lads, we need to get
those photo albums.

(DOOR BANGS)

(BRAKES SCREECH, HANDBRAKE CRUNCHES)

Vin?
What?

What's going on
with you and that barmaid then, hey?

♪ Vinnie and Sammy sittin' in a tree

♪ K i s s... #
Very mature.

Stuck on K, love?
(LAUGHS)

Listen, hey, I like her...

I'm terrified. f*ck's sake.
I am not used to girls liking me.

Last pair of knockers I saw
were big Sandy's,

and she had, she had rigor mortis.
It was still standing up.

Are you proper into her then?
Yeah, I am actually.

It's a worry though, man, y'know.

Oof, is that Pat? That is Pat.

Oi, come here. What have you to do?
Err... Follow him.

Make sure
he doesn't come back early.

Correct. And you follow him at what?

S-subtle distance.
Good lad!

Right, now listen to me.

He's probably going to the boozer,
so get yourself a pint.

Is that all?
Sod off!

Bye, Cardi.

Great (!)

Get your sh*t together.

Ashley, what do you think they'll do
if we get caught?

If any travellers do catch us,
they'll just cut off our toes.

f*ck. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck, f*ck.

Who goes there?
sh*t!

Is there someone back there?
f*ck!

(TOMMO MEOWS)

(MEOWS)

f*cking cats.

♪ Memory... ♪

He's f*cked off. That worked.

Do you wanna hear my baby lamb?

No. Another time. Come on.
Let's get the f*ck out of here.

(MUMBLING, CURSING)

I didn't know you were going there,
you f*cking...

sh*t, dude.

(THUD)

My f*cking appendix, dude.
Jesus Christ!

(MUMBLES)

..f*cking walnuts...
You been going to the gym?

Yep, you're feeling very lean
yourself.

We were worried about you for
a while there, weren't we, Tommo?

Shoes!
What?

We've just broke
through the f*cking window, dude.

This is Auntie Pat's house.
Have a bit of respect. Shoes!

Christ, mate.

♪ MICHAEL KIWANUKA:
You Ain't The Problem ♪

f*ck it.

Well, blood and sand,
look at this, dude.

Hey, we've got something here, man.

Look at the state of that.
What is it?

It's Auntie Pat
having a smooch up with your mammy

and a selfie before selfies
were even f*cking selfies.

Don't get carried away, right.
It's just a kiss.

You know, you kiss Cardi, don't you?
Friends kiss friends.

What I am saying is, all it is,
is it's, err, just a...

Doh...
OK, that's summat else...

They are my mammy's boobs
that you are looking at.

Not just the boobs, sweetheart.

Bloody hell,
it's like an angry badger.

I came out of that.

How, did you have a machete?
(CHUCKLES)

(SLURPS)

(GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES)
Go on.

f*ck!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(QUIETLY)
Hello?

Oh! No, no,
it's not what it looks like...

There's flashlights in there, Pat.

Will I come in there with you?
Yeah, come in with me.

And will I bring my nunchucks?

You might as well
now they're in your hands.

Don't f*cking move,
or I'll take your f*cking heads!

Ashley.
Yer alright, Pat?

Argh, you bleedin' know them?
I do.

But I don't know why the f*ck
they are in my f*cking caravan.

Can we explain?

Fair play to them
for taking off their shoes. Respect.

I'm not proud of myself,
but, yeah, me and your mum we...

We had a thing.
What more can I tell yer?

Life happens.

But I can tell you this.
Hand on heart...

..I'm not your daddy.

How's that then?

I ain't got no seed.

I found out years ago
when I was with my Martha.

It's probably what tore us apart
in the end.

That and the d*ck sucking.
Mmm.

That's it then, isn't it?
I'm never gonna find out!

sh*t, man.
Maybe it's for the best, y'know.

Maybe we ought to let
sleeping dogs lie on this one.

If it's any conciliation,
I don't see my parents either.

Mainly their decision, but, err...
(INHALES DEEPLY)

..I'm good with it.

Actually, there is one thing
you could try.

Yeah?
Yeah. Your brother Niall.

Yeah?
He knows all the family history.

We've tried Niall.

He punched me in my f*cking lip
and Mick clipped my d*ck.

You know what he's like.

What you've got to do
is get him off his face.

Years ago we had this
Easter Egg hunt on the site

for all the kiddies, y'know.
We thought, let's jazz it up a bit,

make it a bit more interesting
for us lot,

so we had an Easter EGG-stacy hunt,
right?

Thousands of pills
all over the site.

Your brother Niall,
well, he found too many, didn't he.

The stories he was spewing out
of his mouth, oh, my, good days...

Fair enough,
so we need to slip him an E.

How the f*ck...
Let's see.

If you could get him to an event,
y'know,

somewhere where
you could spike his drink.

S-sorry.

Sorry, guys. Sorry, I...

Cardi's wedding.
Yeah. Cardi's wedding. Yeah.

♪ When you feel so clean

♪ And the soap smells serene

♪ And you step right into a... ♪

What the f*ck are you doing?

What the f*ck does it look like,
Jim?

You're f*cking...
pleasuring yourself.

And if you are, DON'T!

What, you think you can tell
Ronnie Croft what to do?

Look, if I want to wank, Jim,

I'll wank meself into oblivion,
mate.

I'll be like a fire hydrant
going off.

I'm two rooms away.

I don't like the idea
that you're in here,

whazzing yourself off
to f*cking bukkake, or gonzo,

or whatever disgusting sh*t
that you're into.

Bukkake? Bukkake?
Don't play the innocent with me.

I've no idea, mate, like, none.

The woman's on her f*cking knees...
Yeah?

..and two blokes are
jetting themselves off all over her.

(LAUGHING)

You seem to know
a f*cking lot about it, son.

I'm a man of the f*cking world.

I'm an Englishman,
with an Englishman's brain.

And an Englishman's...
Taste in p*rn, go on.

I am not standing here, in a towel,
in my spare room

discussing bukkake
with the likes of you.

I'm off to a wedding bash.

Woah-woah-woah!
Just f*cking woah, Jimberee.

What wedding, which wedding bash?
Nosy sh*t the Crow.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, f*ck...

Come on!

(CHEERS)

♪ RAY CHARLES:
Hallelujah, I Love Her So ♪

♪ She's my baby
And she lives next door

♪ Every morning
When the sun comes up

♪ She brings me coffee
In my favourite cup

♪ That's why I know, yes, I know

♪ Hallelujah, I just love her so

♪ When I'm in trouble
And I have no friend

♪ I know she'll go with me
Until the end

♪ Everybody ask me how I know... #
Oh, f*ck!

♪ I smile at them and say
"She told me so"

♪ That's why I know, oh, I know... #
Well...

Frosty the snowman
upstaging the bride.

You look amazing.
You too.

You scrub up really well, don't ya?

That's, f*cking,
"scrub up really well?!"

Relax, Vin.

Cool.

We might get on, we might not.

We're just two people
who like the look of each other,

going to a party.
Uh-hm.

Come on, get me pissed.

He the best you can do?
sh*t!

Mental weed dealer.

Samantha, this is Carl Slater.

He, uh, went to school with me,
didn't you, mate.

Detective Slater.

Carl Slater as in
'Carl Slater bums dogs'?

The very same. Yes.

Don't get too attached, Samantha,
he's going to prison soon.

And that's a promise, not a thr*at.

(TYRES SCREECH, CAR STALLS)
Oh...

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, dear God!
(LAUGHS)

He's struggling.

Oh, dear...
Do you know what I mean?!

♪ BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS:
You've Made Me So Very Happy ♪

♪ You touched my very soul

♪ You always showed me that

♪ Loving you was where it's at

♪ You made me so

♪ Very happy

♪ I'm so glad you

♪ Came into my life... ♪

(DISCO MUSIC)

Now make sure Niall doesn't
take the wrong glass, alright?!

Ashley, do I look
like a f*cking amateur?

I have been spiking peoples drink's

since I was in short trousers,
sweetheart.

Think on,
it's him with the special glass.

I'm just saying,
who collects your rubbish?

Who fixes your
f*cking street lights?

You might not use the schools,
or like the f*cking police

but that doesn't mean
you can't pay your taxes.

You get the f*ck away from me

before I punch you
in your stupid mouth.

Ha! v*olence you see!

They say it's a cliche,

but you f*cking travellers
solve everything with...

Ah... f*ck!

Prick! Oh, thanks.
H-h-hey...

f*cking hell...
Your sister went and necked it.

What did I f*cking say?

You better have more of that stuff,
Tommo.

Ashley. Ashley, I have got more.

I have got enough
to sink a f*cking camel.

The point is
I've wasted it on your sister.

Hi... I'm Erin.

Samantha.
Hi.

You Tyler's mum?
Yeah.

He's gorgeous.

And you run this place now,
don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Well,
it's a means to an end, y'know.

Bigger plans and all that.
Yeah.

I thought it shut down,
how did you get it open so quickly?

Err... just sorted the license
and stuff, yeah, not a big deal.

Must cost a bit though,
running a club,

how do you afford it?

I got a bank loan.

(DISCO MUSIC)
Yeah!

Aw, for f*ck sake... Excuse me.

Lads, Champagne.

Down the hatch
and let the good times roll.

Didn't you used to run this place?
I still do, you prick!

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I'm a pleasure magnet, Erin.
What do you expect?

I am a party popper. 247 365.

Do you know what I'm like, actually?
A moth.

I'm like a f*cking moth.
I'm drawn...(WHISTLES)

like a... What are they drawn too?
Flame.

A Flame? It's not a flame.
Is it a flame?

It is a flame.
Stupid pricks.

Do they not burn themselves
all the time?

No wonder they are like that?
Yes, often.

You're a moth aren't you, Ronnie.
Alright, you big dickhead?

Hiya, mate.
You listen to me now, right.

You do not
make a nuisance of yourself in here.

I am not gonna make a nuisance...
Ronnie, I'm being serious.

Yeah, I'm being deadly...
Is that a f*cking fella in a dress?

Oi! Oi! Oi...

Knobhead.
You can say that again.

Knobhead.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(GROWLS, LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry there, um...

I couldn't borrow him for a moment,
could I?

Yeah, be my guest,
need a pee anyway.

Showtime, Vin.
Huh?

Showtime.
sh*t...

Where is he?
He's over there.

Oh, f*cking hell. He's off his head.
What's the strength of the gear?

I had some last Christmas,

tried to get my trousers off
over my head.

Just give it a go, will you?
Oh, here, now...

f*cking hell. sh*t, dude.
Hey up, Niall, big lad, oi.

Come out and have a spliff with me,
dude.

(LOUD KISS)

I'm twatted.
Alright.

So, f*cking twatted.
Yes. Ouch!

f*ck!

Ah, Vinnie. Vinnie, come here to me.

I'm sorry I was a twat in the pub,
y'know.

It's OK.
Cardi told me what you said.

There's not a day goes by

you don't think about your mammy
walking out on you.

She'll be ashamed of herself
leaving you behind like that.

It's alright.
It was a long time ago, wasn't it?!

No. She hurt you so much.

She broke your heart,
and she broke my mammy's heart too.

Eh?
She loved him Vinnie.

I know she was married,
but, oh, God, she loved him.

Who did she love?
Tyrone.

Who's Tyrone?
Tyrone Carver.

He worked on the fairs.
He was a beautiful man.

He's the one that gave her Ashley.

Hang on, I don't understand.
How's...

How's my mum broke your mum's heart?
I don't get it?!

She stole him.
What?!

Your mammy stole Tyrone Carver
off my mammy.

And I, you know, your ma,
I know she had her bothers, Vinnie,

but she was beautiful
and fun and she turned his head.

My ma couldn't complain,
because she was married,

but, Jesus, Vinnie, she loved him.

My mum, my mum, yeah,

she ran off
with f*cking Tyrone Carver?

And that's-that's Ashley's dad,
innit? Yeah?

Where the f*ck did they go?
On the road. With the fair.

And then word come back now
and again about them, rumours.

But then she got the word,
that he'd d*ed. Heart att*ck.

What the f*ck? What about me mum?

Oh, would... aye, she came back too.

She was working in a bar
up in Crossley Mere.

What do you mean,
f*cking Crossley f*cking Mere?

It's twenty f*cking miles away.
Why have you never told me this?

Eh?

You were better off without her,
Vinnie.

You were,
even my mammy said the same thing.

What kind of woman would go away
and leave her child like that?

She broke you in half, Vin,
she'd only do the same again.

No. No. No. Shut up.
You f*cking shut your mouth.

You don't understand.

I've been waiting for my mam to
come back for me and she never did.

And you've f*cking known about it,
you have.

You've know and Mo knew.

You never said
a f*cking thing to me.

Who else knew?
No one else.

Know one else knows. Just you lot.
You're f*cking unreal. f*ck!

(SLOW, HAUNTING MUSIC)

Hey, where's Vinnie.
He left.

I think.

♪ LIZZO: Juice ♪

♪ Gotta blame it on the Goose

♪ Gotta blame it on my juice
Baby. ♪

f*cking hell. That's alright, innit!
(SNIFFS)

Right, can I just...

I'm just blown away by you
and this and all that,

your f*cking open mindedness
and everything.

I've just got loadsa questions.
Can I go?

Yeah. Sure.
Quick fire, Ronnie style, yeah?

(SNIFFS)
f*ck me. Right. Are you ready?

Are you trans?
No.

Do you like men, or women?
Both.

Can I have some cocaine?
You've had some.

Are you happy?
Yeah.

f*cking wicked, man.

I am gonna sit down,
cos I can't feel my legs.

Know what I mean?
I'm so happy that you're happy.

That's what it's about.
It's about being out there.

I've opened my mind.
Do you wear knickers?

I do actually, yeah. Tell you what,

best thing I ever did
wearing women's clothes,

I would not change it for the world.
Funny thing is I just love the...

Safe. Safe.

Safe...

♪ That's how I roll

♪ If I'm shinin'
Everybody gonna shine... ♪

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Oh, sorry.

Vinnie?
'Erin, I-I need...

'I need you to come to the shack.'
Why? What's happened? What's up?

I can't, cos I need to lock up
and take Tyler home.

Just, f*ck...
Just come to the shack. I need yer.

'OK. Alright, I'm on my way.'

Sugs. How pissed are you?

What?
How pissed are you?

Fairly.

Right, do me a favour
and take Tyler home, yeah?!

Yeah.
Alright, thanks, mate. Thanks.

Tommo... lock up.

Did you see that?

Did you see
the way she speaks to me?

No. No. No. No. No.

I will be dragged
into the gates of Hades

before I do that wench's bidding.

Dido said it, right,
now I'm saying it,

"I will go down with this ship,

"I won't give myself up
and surrender."

Just lock the f*cking club, Tom.

(SOFT, MELLOW MUSIC)

You've got to go.

I can't.
Vin, it's twenty miles away.

You need to see
if she's still there.

Why though?
Because she's your mum.

She's a mum who walked out on me.

She left me with an alcoholic man
for some f*cking bloke she met.

That's not a mum.

I know, but you said that
she did have mental health issues.

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe she's back.

Working in a bar
20 minutes up the f*cking road.

I'll come with you.

Thanks, but, no, I can't.
Vin, she's Tyler's grandma.

Yeah, and she lost the right to that
the moment she f*cked off.

She walked out on her son.
She doesn't care.

f*ck. I've just never been able
to understand it my whole life.

Why she left.
People do, Vin.

People with problems
leave everyday...

..because they're so unhappy,

or they think
everybody's better off without them.

Maybe she's scared.

Maybe she wanted to come back
and she wanted to see you,

but she was, y'know,

she was worried
that you might hate her, reject her.

Maybe-maybe it breaks her heart,

but she's had to parcel it away,
y'know.

Vin, you don't know.

This has been hanging over you
since you were seven years old.

It's made you into the person
that you are.

It's meant that
you've never left this town.

I just don't wanna hate her.

I like her like this.

A lady in a photograph.

I'm not going.
You are.

Oh, f*ck...

Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.

You're a f*cking animal
with a scratcher.

Oh, f*cking hell.

It's given me
the an awful horn though now, like.

What about we go for round two?
Yeah. No. D-definitely.

Can I just have t-t-two minutes
to reload?

Maybe we should watch
a bit of the old p*rn, you know,

get us back in the mood again.
Yeah, I've got the perfect thing.

Ah.
Oh, yeah.

Ah.
Do you like that?

I do.
Enjoying that?

I am.

From one p*rn actor to another,
happy wedding, Carol.

We love you.
Oh, that's lovely.

Thanks.

Shall we cr*ck on then?
- Go on.
- Right.

♪ THE ONLY ONES:
The Whole Of the Law ♪

♪ ...have the notion

♪ I could swim
The length of the ocean

♪ If I knew you were waiting for me

♪ I used to have the notion... ♪

Right, so we've passed two pubs
and a grotty wine bar,

if she is still working here,
odds are in our favour, aren't they.

What will I say to her?

This your mum?
Yeah.

You look like her.
Oh.

She's less bald.
Right.

I mean, to be fair,
that's a lady isn't it?! So...

My Auntie Jean's bald.

Alopecia.

On VE Day
we drew a Union Jack on it.

I've got a photo somewhere.

Get it out(!)

No, sorry, not here.
She looks sort of familiar maybe,

but I don't really know her.
Alright, thanks anyway.

Alright, cocker.
Can I show you this photo here?

I'm looking for a lady.

So, her name's Andrea and
she'll be a lot older than that now.

But I think she worked
behind the bar at some point.

You don't recognise her, do yer?

There's, um,
there's a Cassandra, and a Maggie.

Hmm, do they look like this lady,
Cassandra or Maggie?

Not really.
OK, I'm sorry to have bothered you.

What can I get you?

Can we ask you
a quick question, please?

- Question?
- Yeah.
What am I, Tourist Information?

Buy a drink,
you can ask what you like.

Can we just have
two halves of lager then.

Halves, what are you, h*m*?

How does that make me a h*m*?
It's a known fact.

Just like they can't swim,
or sh**t a firearm.

Can't play snooker,
they can't fix a moped,

they can't throw a frisbee...
Can't tame a unicorn!

They're f*cking useless at it.

What a stupid f*cking list,
you daft old bigot.

Get the f*ck out.
I will do.

Alright. OK. We're going. Come on.
Hey, hey...

No, Vin...
Just-just let me...

I've just gotta ask him something.
I'm f*cking fascinated.

I'll never understand it.
How does it affect yer?

One man sucking another man's d*ck?
Sucking another man's d*ck?

I'll suck your d*ck!
I'll bite the bastard thing off.

Pfft!

What a bizarre thing to say given
the conversation we've just had.

Show your face around here again
and I'll shove this up your arse!

And not in a good way.

There you go.

I've ordered us a bacon butty
as well.

Something to cheer us up.

Maybe she wasn't here long,

maybe she came back
then she moved away again.

Yeah, maybe.

We can keep looking for her.
Go from shop to shop. Ask everyone.

It dun't matter. Honestly.

Nothing'll ever hurt
as bad as when she left.

I had to protect myself. And I have.

I know.
I was just...

f*ck. I'm a dad, now. Grown ass man.

I have Tyler.

If he got hurt,
or I couldn't help...

..or if I could never
see him again...

..I think it'd probably
break me in half.

(SIGHS)

That's a lot of pressure that, Vin.

You know, of course
I don't wanna hurt you...

..but I can't promise
we're gonna be around forever.

You know the way I feel about you.

What about Samantha?

That thing
you whispered in my ear...

..before they put me in jail...

Number 12. You want sauce with them?

Oh, f*ck.
sh*t.

What?

Mum?
Andrea?

Yeah.

It's Vin. It's Vinnie.

Red, or brown.

No. No. No.
That's your son, that's Vinnie.

We've come looking for you.

There's free refills on the coffee.

Just stop a sec...
I-I-I did as I was told.

I stayed, but you didn't come back.

You've grown, haven't you.

Good looking.

I'll get the sauces.
Mum?

Vin, just give her a minute.
She's overwhelmed.

My heart's
b*ating out of my chest here.

Can you ask that lady to come back?
Please.

Can I just nip through?
It's private, mate.

I know, I'm really sorry.

Mum! Mum!

I stayed where you told me to stay.

I have a little boy.

He's called Tyler.

(SOFT, SOMBRE MUSIC)

You alright, mate?
Yeah.

Does she have a family?

Husband. Step kid.

(SIGHS)

Is she happy?

(EXHALES)

Hard to tell. She...

does her work and goes home.

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

I'm sorry.

(CAFE RADIO PLAYS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Did you speak to her?

Hm...
Yeah?

Where is she?

She's gone.

Where?

She just walked away.

That's twice now.

She's just a lady.

I'm so sorry, Vin.

It's OK.

Let's go home.

♪ FATHER JOHN MISTY:
One Of Us Cannot Be Wrong ♪

Alright, Vinnie.
Hey up, Pat.

Fancy a brew, lads?
Go on.

Lovely.
Thank you, Aunty.

I am sorry
you never got to meet him.

Your real dad.

At least now I know.
At least now I've got a name.

She did love him...

..y'know?

You'd have been
born out of love there.

And some great f*cking sex
apparently.

(LAUGH)
Ah...

♪ EELS: It's A m*therf*cker ♪

Does this make us brothers?

Yeah.

Sure it does, mate.

♪ And I won't ever be the same

♪ It's a m*therf*cker

♪ Getting through a Sunday

♪ Talking to the walls
Just me again

♪ But I won't ever be... #
(CHEERS)

Three Eyed Pete's barge
here we come!

I'm sorry.
Don't be silly.

♪ I won't ever be the same. ♪

You alright, man?
Yeah.

Christ, they're funny, aren't they.

Y'know, what's a bloody family
anyway?

It's just a name
you call all the people around you.

This is my family here.

You.

That little lad.

You're the ones that cheer me up
when I'm sad.

You're the ones who put a smile
on my face when I feel like sh*t.

Y'know?

And f*ck, man, the rest is just...
It's just the past.

Daddy.

Uncle Daddy, grr, and Uncle Dylan.

Give him a smooch. Oh!

Give me a smooch. Oh!

Have a great time!

f*ck his brains out.

Shouldn't take too long.
(LAUGHTER)

(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

As you can see,
the safe is no longer here.

He said, "You do that,
otherwise I'll hurt your sister."

Argh!
Who?

Keithy.

(SCREAMING)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

He's dead as a fuckin doornail.

He's over near the b-big tree.

(SCREAMS)

The police could be banging
on that f*cking door any second.

(KNOCK, SCREAMS)