02x02 - Out of Africa

[bunniefuu]

Dear nephew Hope you haven't resorted to piracy yet although after three years in Norway I wish I had like the Albinos of Lagos we are isolated from the rest of the society and they break our spirits by humiliating us a process they call integration They say Norway is a cold country so far the most cold I have felt hasn't come from the climate [ Asylum application rejected]

but from the hearts of the Norwegians but you know your Uncle I never lose my faith in Humanity What did I do? No, Nothing!
- What did you say?
- Stop! I'm in the hall, and the business
-guru gets me up on the stage and says: "Torgeir, how do we solve this problem?" He wants me to peel a banana.

I'm thinking easy
-peasy, and start.

"No no, that's wrong.

" And he puts on a video of a gorilla doing it.

And don't you think the monkey does it opposite? It starts there.

See? Tell me if I get this straight I pay you to take er a business seminar and you know how to peel a banana? Jesus! The banana is a metaphor, you know? The gorilla teaches you to see a problem from a different angle Ok that's it no more school for you these big words could cause a brain damage f*ck How fast was I going?
- Pretty fast.

What am I going to have to buy to get out of this one? Maybe if you start thinking like a monkey you will see the problem with a different perspective The point with the ball of discrimination is that everything can be messed with.

Right? By joking and messing around in a safe environment as this
-
- we take the sting out of the dangerous words.

Take this! Mocha
-man!
- Pale
-face!
- Pale
-face, that's funny.


- Browny!
- Potato! You see? Amything goes.

The words have no meaning.


- Soot
-pipe!
- f*cking whore c**t! No, that's not ok, Balotelli.

It's sexist.

Todays theme is racism, and that's what we're messing around with.

You have to learn that if you want to be Norwegian.


- Norwegian?
- Where are you going? Balotelli!
- Isn't he responsible for the food today?
- Let him be, the food is ready.

Mussel! assh*le! Do you want to speed things up, it's raining My mate said he had sawn it right off.

You know what? Step aside Yes.

That works too.

Say what you want about these development country people, but they sure know about cake.

Ah! you like this new job ay? Yeah, I really love driving coloured people around There's worse jobs I could think of.

Check it out Johnny popped the Nordseter hill photobox.

It will look classy in our livingroom, yes? You know these are digital now, right? digital photos They'll laugh their asses of when they see your pictures.

Welcome everyone Very nice to have the Flamingo club managers here with us today.

.

Now that we are part owners,
-
- it is only fitting for us to have a very nice dinner together.

Our eminent African cook has made us a nice treat.

Enjoy.

Yum
-yum
-yum! This is real food
-Sure.

Balotelli was a boating refugee.

So he probably picked up a couple of tricks.

So glad you like it why I like happy endings in massage parlours this is Sophia Loren swimming naked This is love I gotta meet this guy bring him out for a bow.

That him? Everybody stay calm.

That's what you get for f*cking with our n*gg*r*s no more Tarantino movies for you you r*cist scum personally, I do not believe in v*olence, but, thankyou Isn't that nice that is nice Just like my mama used to make Right, here's the deal, you, are coming to cook for me at the club His asylum application was rejected Er, yes, they are sending him home tonight What? Forget about it! This guy stays We don't have authority to do anything with a decision made by the Immigration Authority.

Send back some other gagoose
-You don't have any.

Maybe you should explain Jonny how things go on here Well Yeah, why don't you just explain to Jonny how things are done around here Maybe, we talk to him, talking to Good idea That our guy? There they hurt all the time, but here is good.

We feel safe.

Suddenly come black man! He cut head! He k*ll! He wants to own, he wants! He owns you all.

Understand? Read about it in Samora.

Pretending to be Ugandian refugees, to understand asylum seekers better.

Die! You die! If you feel you're dieing, you are scared.

No! On your knees! Damn deserter! Sure your up to this huh?
-It's been a long time Bjarn
-Yes.


-Nice to see you.


-Likewise.


-Kids ok? Is it five or six you have?
-Five.

With three different wives.


-Regarding Odera Adebayo's case.


-Yes, Odera.

It was rejected.

listen, er, I've read already about foreign mutus feasting off our welfare state But this guy's different, I tell you, he could really contribute My partner likes to joke around.

We don't play games Yes Well then we just have to take off the gloves.

You know, Bjarn, there are some rumours about you,
-
- so I stopped by your house for some documentation.

As far as I'm aware there are no filipino au
-pair employed by you.

What the heck This is insane.

Are you sneaking around taking pictures of my adopted daughter? Adopted daughter? I'm sorry, this is the second floor?, we're obviously in the wrong office, come on my friend That went well
-A total miss.

A big question
-mark over Balotelli now.

You better gets used to the Norwegian packed lunch.

mmm, I don't know about that We've been peeling the banana from the wrong end.

% Coming now, the spring is coming now % % Coming now, now, the spring is coming now %.

Do you recognise this guy? It is Well Well know He
-He wanted me to sell his car.


-Yes, we know that.


-He crashed and k*lled himself at FÃ¥berg.


-Ouch.

That was sad.

Was a damn damn sympathetic type.

What happened to him? The main theory was that he skidded off the road, but Yes, no Foreigners on snow That's the way it goes.

Well, our forensic guy .

.

has found something which he can't understand.


-Laila.

Scotland Yard is here.


-OK, you take over here then, David.

Yes The victim was found with a knitting needle in his throat.

Is that right?
-Are you nervous?
-No, I'm completely calm.

Nice to have you here sir, How can we help you? Inspector, you speak very good English Detective Smith, Scotland Yard We spoke on the telephone regarding the Hammer case Yes, here is the file Oh, er, actually we are not quite finished with the papers This was obviously an accident, wouldn't you say? Please, take this, We'll just make a new one for ourselves Um, perhaps we can meet afterwards and discuss details I could buy you dinner, tea, whatever you like Thankyou, sounds delightful, but it looks as if I am going to be kept busy with paperwork all over the weekend Before I go, could I possibly use the toilet? Of course, Our facilities are always at the Yards disposal Ta That's how the pros work, Laila.

According to the cops, he accidentally stabbed himself to death with a knitting needle whilst driving Yeah, catching up with his knitting whilst doing 150 mile an hour in his Ferrari on these icy Norwegian roads I don't think so Hey lady, can't smoke in here Yes I can darlin We have approved it There are no humanitarian reasons for us to let you stay in this country You can't do this Hva is this? Yes.

They are in dream
-land.


-Already?
-Yes.

I just put them here.

My heart rhythm lull them to sleep.

It's not often I meet men that are so good wth kids.

It's not the only thing I'm good at.


-Did you drink milk from me?
-What? It felt like you were sucking.

I barely touched it, they're probably bursting with milk.

Yes, but it just felt on purpose.

But it wasn't.

Mm! Sour cream and onion.

It's good.

Cheers! I called you er Mr.

computers, that's why I'm kind of calling you see we run two businesses here and we have ten machines and none of them f*cking work Hold on reads numbers these computers are not licensed sir, I'm going to have to report you to the police Excuse me I mean I'm running this joint I think there has been some kind of misunderstanding here No misunderstanding sir just the discovery of the hardware first thing You're about as English as I am Actually I'm in New Dehli sir That right? Just a minute my friend Here we are I had to switch to the secure line Good thinking take into consideration my offer? here is my counter offer You deposit 50,000 US dollars on an account in the Cayman Islands well it's not going to happen Good! I'll notify the police Ever heard of Norway? Of course, the land of aha my favourite group so sad and meloncholic but so catchy So whatever I can have my boys draw up the papers and bring you over right away Are you sure? We're ready here if you are The most sexually liberated in the world Great When do I book my flight?
-What in your inside pocket?
-Huh?
-This? I bought it at CC .


-You think I was born yesterday? Sambo! This is bullshit!
-Hey, hey, hey! What's goin on?
-This guys is completely Ku Klux Klan!
-Watch your mouth! Blackie!
-Calm down! You want me to call your girlfriend? I know what happened
-
- in the disabled toilet at Flamingo's last weekend.

You and the wardrobe lady.

And a toilet brush.

Fine.

Enjoy the soda.

f*ck sake, what a moron!
-Film evening?
-A small guilty pleasure: "Dirty Dancing".


-Haven't seen that for a while.


-Join me then.


-Yes.

It is a classic.


-That it is.


-You saved me again, Torgi.


-My name is Torgeir, not Torgi.

Torgi, Torgar Some names you Norwegians have.


-I'll call you Toro instead.

Toro!
-Toro? Like the soup? Not soup.

Italiano.

In Italian "il toro" means bull.

It suits you.

You are as tough and fearless as a bull.


-What What did you just do?
-Whoops! I I misunderstood.

Are you not with it? I just got the wibe.

That wibe
- you certainly didn't get it from me! Can't you read? By the way I got some Indian kid coming in I want you to help set him up with a new identity You want me to do what? give him a call and er tell him what to say That's a very serious crime And your point is? well, no its Honestly, if you prefer I can always shut down the refugee centre and er take care of the problem with your salary No! No! I will see what I can do Hey, Detective Smith Are you Are you getting questioned by Scotland Yard?
-What do you mean?
-What did they want with you? They Why do you ask? You almost have to Talk with my lawyer about it.

Get in the f*cking car Boys, look at this.

That babyswimmingguy.

I nicked the surveilance tape from the pool.


-Madonna mia!
-Check that out! I've seen enough Wow! Where did you get it? I guess I'm just one of those dads that like to that like to bring a little something home from a business trip It's perfect Ok, I'm going to go You're not going to stay for a cup of tea or Say bye to daddy.

You so good at waiving.

Look what daddy brought? But? What is this? What is this here?
-Is that the bra I gave you for your birthday?
-Sure it is.

Oh my God Practice makes perfect, Balotelli.

Very good! Excuse me madam What's your name? It's long and complicated It's all there in my passport Where are you from Afghanistan Ok, where in Afghanistan Well, you know The part with the mountains Where it says genital mutilation, just cross "yes" or "no".

Jan! I need to speak to you! What's the thing with the new guy from "Afghanistan"? What do you mean? The police checked all his papers.

All in order.

It suddenly became all in order when you contacted them.


-What do you insinuate?
-That guy is an Indian gold digger.

We found this passport a week ago.

Only the picture is different.

Johnny asked for help.

An Indian guy that wanted to come to Norway.

What's the problem? We're only giving a poor guy a new chance.


-There's a word for it.


-Philanthropy.


-Trafficking!
-No! Randi! Stop it.

What makes you think that I'll keep shut about this? If you don't, I might have to spank your cute little bottom.

Remember Yeah, welcome to paradise He's only been here for 5 minutes and he's already hacked into the drivers and servers we checked nobody has downloaded it from the server yet so if we delete it now we're home free Wait a minute Got an idea Can you make it look as if this guy is driving the car? Of course, I could do that sh*t in '95 I'm going to like this kid Alright, let's put a beer can in his hand One beer can coming up! Oh, thats good! Where am I? Nigeria Sir? For you Hello? Hi pal, enjoy the trip? I was so inspired by that relations programme I figured before I send my guy to Nigeria I send you to test the waters Are you mad? What do you think the police will say when I tell them about what you have done? Take this into consideration I have the resources to put you in a box and send you to Africa You got to ask yourself Do you really want to f*ck with that guy? You play nice You keep your f*cking mouth shut keep Balotelli here and I'll get you home safe Ok, OK, I play nice Good I need more onions! Come on! How are you? Good to see you Oh! Look who's here! My friend Open it, from a friend Thattaboy! I just have to ask you something Why this guy? taste your meatballs Ok Let me get this straight You drug me and send me to Africa.

Just because of some meatballs But they are really something special What are you doing? Putting Ketchup on the pasta You are not putting it on a burger Would you put a moustache on the Mona Lisa? Don't answer that! Swear to god, these Murphys
-Are you ok?
-Yes, just needed some air.

There's something I wanted to ask you, brother.

Have you ever had erotic fantasies about.

.

About someone that is not not a woman? Animals and sh*t, like? No.

A human, but not a woman.

Not Are you sick in the head? Of course I haven't!
-Who are you dreaming about?
-I don't have dreams like that.


-Why do you ask then?
-It's just small talk.

You gotta work on your small talk
- skills, they suck d*ck! f*ck sake.


-Bend to your right.


-Ok.


-And left.


-f*ck sake.


-I've been so f*cking tense lately.


-We'll sort that out.


-Lie down on your stomach.


-Yes.

I think it's time we had a little talk about what happened to my brother Please I don't know anything! I've heard acupuncture is really good for the memory Now what happened to my f*cking brother! Ok! Ok! I'll tell you Yes, that's what can happen when you forget to shut the gate to the cows.

But from crime case to crime author.

Because Oppland county is getting it's very own Jo Nesbø.


-Welcome here, Laila Hovland.


-Many thanks for that.

The reviewer suggests that the police chief in your book shares similarities with your boss, Arve Østli.


-What do you say to that?
-No, what would one normally say? Any similarities with living or dead is just coincidence.

But you can't deny that todays police chiefs gets criticised?
-Chief?
-I'm a bit busy now.


-You'll have time for this.


-Oh? But..

jeez as*ault and Battery Armed robbery! Don't they sift their agents out over there?
-I think it's an imposter, chief.


-Alright, really? Wow Thank you all for how you received my food.

And a special thanks to the man who made this possible.

Don Giovanni, this song is for you.

Listen to this kid Should the hell up, f*cking blackie! What the f*ck! Dear Nephew The most wonderful thing has happened here in the cold north I've finally found some friends They don't like black people They prefer the white h*m* but they just can't help themselves They love Balotelli "Integration can succeed"