02x06 - Special Education

[bunniefuu]

[The Rascals'
"Love Is a Beautiful Thing" playing]

[Swedish pop ballad playing softly]

[music grows louder]

[ballad continuing]

[speaking Swedish]
What the f*ck?

No.
You've messed up my flower arrangement.

- Flower arrangement?
- Oh, Christ.

I thought it had spilled out.

Don't you realize what's going on here?

Are you going to propose?

And your mother will be home any second.

sh*t. Relax. It's no big deal.
I'll just put it back as it was.

- Just as nice as it was.
- Where the f*ck is the ring?

- It's important to stay calm now.
- What?

Where did you see it last?

I don't know where I saw it last.

Oh, my. Hi, Mom.

[in Norwegian]
Stanley? My God, what?

But what is this?

My God. Oh, Stanley.

[both laughing]

[guffawing]

[theme song playing]

[Stupidity's "King Midas" playing]

[in English] Come on.

[engine cranking]

Going somewhere, Tommy boy?

Come on.

[chuckles nervously]

Okay, let's just, uh,
stop fooling around, okay?

As you know, your new friends,
they stole something that belongs to me,

and they forgot to leave
their new address.

[in Norwegian] Uh, Johnny,
you don't want to mess with those guys.

I promise you. They don t work
in Parks and Recreation.

[in English]
Last chance. New address.

[in Norwegian]
I'm just the middleman here.

- [in English] Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, cocksucker.
I will split your-- Ow!

[groans]

[Johnny]
Always the hard way with this guy.

Ow.

- [Arne in Norwegian] Go.
- [Torgeir] Jump from ten meters?

- I said go. Go now.
- Chicken are we? Chicken, huh?

[snorts]

- There is no water in the pool.
- [Arne] Go.

Relax. Take it easy.

[in English] Oh, sh*t.

[in Norwegian] sh*t.

Johnny! Johnny!

I'll tell you.

Why do you always have to make
everything so damn complicated?

- [bat clatters]
- [snorts]

I almost feel dizzy.

[in English] Torgeir! Get away
from the edge. Quit f*cking around.

Oh! Holy f*ck!

[thuds]

Holy f*ck.

- [Arne] Is he dead?
- f*cking jerk. I don't know.

[grunts]

[spits]

[in Norwegian]
What kind of style points do I get?

[Johnny in English]
Oh, thank God.

All right. So like you were saying...

[in Norwegian]
They're hiding at Ramton Camping.

[in English] And my stuff?

[in Norwegian] Bamse has nailed shut
one of the lids in the outhouse.

All of his things lie behind there.

[in English] And your stuff too.

Good. Now, Tommy,
this is our second encounter.

We have an American expression:
"Three strikes and you're out."

Understood?

Understood.

[Blind Willie Johnson's
"Dark Was the Night" playing]

[in Norwegian]
Is this what you woke us up for?

Yeah. And you should know it by heart.

[man] We're going to meet some hicks
from Lilyhammer.

This ain't exactly a major
bank heist we're planning.

Either we do this right,
or we don't do it at all.

Tagliano--
Henriksen is not a hick.

What do we really got
on that Henriksen character?

That info is for me and me alone.

It sounded almost Italian-American,
that name you mentioned.

Tagliano, was it?

You think Henriksen will pay up if we
carry on like a bunch of blabbermouths?

Leave this until the money is ours.
You got it?

I get it, man.

[in English] Well, I hear
congratulations is in order.

- Torgeir told me the big news.
- Yeah. Thank you.

[in Norwegian]
We are so happy.

[in English] Well, if there's anything
I can do, let me know.

Special occasion like this requires
a special celebration, am I right?

Yeah. Oh, actually, there is one thing.

[in Norwegian] You have been fantastic
to Wenche, me, the boys.

So I was wondering
if you would do me the honor

of being my best man?

[in English] Me?

I'd be honored.

[both laughing]

[Sigrid in Norwegian]
No, thanks.

I'm sure he'll be here soon.

[siren blaring]

[in English]
Oh, not now.

You got a crush on me or what?

You wish.

[in Norwegian]
Please get out of the vehicle.

You have a defective taillight.

[in English] This is bullshit.
We had the car serviced last week.

[in Norwegian] See?

[in English] You wanna share
whatever you've been smoking?

[in Norwegian] Look closer.

[sighs] Take this.

- [in English] Oh, that's cute.
- [in Norwegian] You sound threatening.

Place your hands on the hood.

- [in English] Come on.
- [in Norwegian] And spread your legs.

[Johnny laughing]

There. Now tell me calmly and quietly

what you're up to down in Oslo.

[in English]
What's in it for me if I tell you?

[in Norwegian] Now you listen to me.

I'm going to keep bothering you
until you talk.

Okay?

- Bother me?
- Mm-hm.

Guys pay big bucks
for this kind of action.

[in Norwegian] Let's see.

[sighs]

Get that taillight fixed,
and we'll talk again.

[in English]
We're open all night, baby.

[Johnny] Sorry I'm late.

[clears throat]

[in Norwegian]
Hi. Nice to see you again.

[in English]
How are you? How you doing?

[in Norwegian] Hi. This is Tiril,
our new special-ed teacher.

Special ed?

Bjorn is a great kid.

But he is struggling
with his psychomotor milestones.

We would like to bring in BUP.

[in English]
We want to evaluate

if he should enter a program
for children with special needs.

[in English] That ain't gonna happen.

[in Norwegian] It's normal for the parents
to get a little upset, but...

- [in English] Listen, Turly is it?
- Tiril.

Yeah, whatever.

We had that special needs
bullshit where I grew up too.

They had their own school bus.

The mothers used to use it as a thr*at:

"Do good in school or
we'll put you on the ret*rd bus."

[in Norwegian]
Mr. Henriksen, that is not--

[in English] It was very scary.

Even as a kid, we knew
that bus was going nowhere.

Not my kid, baby.

Our kids are going places.

So f*ck your special needs.

Okay.

[in Norwegian]
I'm not familiar

with the pedagogical methods
they used where you grew up,

but here in Norway,

we take special needs children
very seriously.

[in English]
And we never use such words as...

[in Norwegian]
...what you used.

[Tiril] You will get the notice by mail.

[in Norwegian] Oh, my God.

[in English] f*ck that.

They're the ones with special needs.

Come on, let's get the f*ck out of here.

[Death by Unga Bunga playing
"Don't Go Looking for My Heart"]

Some new kids.

Oh.

- [Johnny] Arne's nephew.
- [Torgeir] Cool.

Talk to me.

I can't hear a f*cking word. Hold on.

[in Norwegian]
Hi there.

Hi there.

- Hi there.
- Hi there.

Cool that Johnny said yes to being
best man in your wedding.

Yeah, that was cool as hell.

I'd like to contribute too.
Maybe I should be toastmaster?

No, we already have a toastmaster.

- You hired a professional?
- No.

Roar.

- Roar?
- [in English] Yes.

[Death by Unga Bunga
playing "Nudist Beach"]

Torgeir. Torgeir.

Come on, we're going camping.

- [in Norwegian] Bamse?
- [Bamse] Hey.

There's nothing but a hole in the ground
where the shitter's supposed to be.

What's that?

[man]
Someone's taken our shithouse.

Look. Wasn't the shithouse here?

[Norwegian rap music playing]

[in English] Boss, we got company.

[Johnny] It's all right.

[Bamse in Norwegian] A bit early.
Aren't we supposed to meet tomorrow...

[in English]
...on the island?

I got no patience.

You know,
I respect the balls of this robbery.

Just getting back what's mine.

Don't forget I read a few interesting
things about you in your file.

Listen, you stupid f*ck.

You forgot to burn the masks.

One line about those files,
the cops got your DNA.

I'm trying to be nice here.

Don't push your luck.

[in Norwegian] Boys.

[in English] Come on.

[in Norwegian]
Put that shithouse back in its place.

[in Norwegian]
What are you doing?

We're being moved.

Excuse me, but what is going on here?

- Don't you get it?
- What?

The reception center has been shut down.

I thought Johnny sent a clear message
to leave us alone.

I can't help you.

Everyone at UDI has read
the message from Randi.

This ship has sailed.

Randi has serious drug issues,
but I'm in control.

Randi tipped us off about the peephole
you made in the girls' shower.

- Peephole?
- Yes, peephole.

Peephole?

I drilled an air vent

to keep fungus from growing
in the bathroom. Stay.

We can have a pizza and video night,
Hassan.

What? f*ck the directorate.
Stay here with me.

We'll be better off in Oslo.

- Better off in Oslo?
- Yes.

f*cking ungrateful darkies!

Go the f*ck back

to whatever piece-of-sh*t
country you came from!

Go to hell!

sh*t!

Hassan.

Sorry, I didn't mean what I said. Hassan!

Hassan!

[car doors close]

Stanley Olsson?

- Who's asking?
- My name is Laila Lyse.

I'm from Tollvesenet.
This is my colleague, Officer Mørk.

We need you to come down
to the station for questioning.

But what is this about?

Illegal import of liquor to Norway.

Wait a minute. I want a lawyer.

Wait-- Jesus--
I don't have time for this!

Listen--!

sh*t.

They nabbed you as well?

Yeah, it doesn't look good.

Ohh!

Bachelor party!

[all cheering]

[bottle cork pops]

[cheering]

[Stanley shouting in Norwegian]

[rock music playing over speakers]

[in English] Come on, girls!

[laughs]

Oh!

[laughs]

[Stanley shouts in Norwegian]

[sighs]

[lively music playing]

Bro, what's up?

What's up, man?

[in Norwegian]
Aren't you going to drink anything?

What's there to celebrate anyway?

What's your problem?
Come on, it is party time.

[in English] How's our groom-to-be doing?

[in Norwegian] He's pretty out of it.

I don't think Mom would be thrilled,
exactly.

Come on,
you're allowed to read the menu,

as long as you eat at home.

Looks like he is chewing
the entire buffet.

[in English] Come on.

A guy's allowed to have fun
at his own bachelor party.

[Stanley laughing]

Ow! Ah!

f*ck you! Oh!

Okay, maybe not that much fun.

Stan the Man.

[both laughing]

Glad you're having a good time.

You know, try and keep it together, Stan.

[in Norwegian]
Okay. It's just that I was locked up

in a f*cking cult for ten years.

It feels so great to have some fun again.

Come on, girls, come on.

[in English] Yeah, yeah.
Just take it easy, all right?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

[in Norwegian] I was a little surprised
when you called me.

[in English] What do you take me for?

One of them punks that don't call
after a first date?

[chuckles]

What if I could help you out a little bit?

Would that get you off my back?

[in Norwegian]
It can't be ruled out.

[in English]
Good. Take a look at this.

A friend of mine, let's call him
a concerned citizen,

dropped these off the other day.

Check it out.

[in Norwegian] But this must be...

[in English] The Bieber heist.

Impressed?

Surprised.

[chuckles] Yeah, well...

I heard that most people were upset
their safety-deposit boxes got emptied.

Here it all is.

[in Norwegian] Do you have any indication
of who might have been behind the robbery?

[in English] No.

But let's not get greedy.

You return this,
you're the hero of the day.

[in Norwegian] You are full of surprises.

But you still have to pay
that fine for the taillight.

[in English] The taillight.

[Dubs' "Don't Ask Me
to Be Lonely" playing]

So...

Anything wrong?

[in Norwegian]
No, what makes you think that?

[in English] Well, it's just that, uh...

you're usually not this mellow
around half-naked women.

[both laughing]

I'm a little over-worked, I guess.

[in Norwegian] Always so much fuss
with the asylum-seekers and...

[in English]
But you're on top of it, right?

You know me. Always on top.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, good.

[Stanley in Norwegian]
Come on, come on!

Get back here!

[in English] Oh, what now?

What happened? What's going on?

Huh?

That Swedish guy is so disgusting.

I'll tell you what, all right?

Uh...

Take the rest of the night off.

Take a taxi home, all right?

Keep this little unfortunate
incident to ourselves, huh?

Okay.

[in Norwegian] Come here, girl!

I think it's time to escort
your new father figure out.

- Yes.
- [in Norwegian] I see.

Let go of me!
You g*dd*mn sons of a whore!

- I don't want to go home!
- Calm down, will you!

- Relax.
- f*cking sh*t. You fucker!

Scumbag!

He spit at me.

- [in English] What a surprise!
- Hi.

What's the occasion?

[in Norwegian]
I've just been thinkingabout Bjorn's test.

[in English]
You know how I feel about that.

We don't have any choice.
He has to take it.

Hi!

You know it's that Tirly girl, don't you?

It's her job to find things
wrong with kids.

[in Norwegian] And I have been thinking
maybe he is a bit understimulated

because he has no male role model, so...

[in English] So what?

Well, so I was thinking maybe

you could spend some days
with him before the test?

Normally I wouldn't mind, but, uh...

[in Norwegian] Are you going to spend
some time with Daddy?

Yes, go to Daddy.

- [in English] Come to Daddy.
- [in Norwegian] That's it.

Okay, the best of luck.

- [in English] Bye!
- Okay.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Bye.

[in Norwegian]
We're going home now.

[in English] Bye now.

Bye-bye.

[door closes]

Arne, get over here.

I need assistance.

[in Norwegian]
Hey, shall we go check the vodka?

Make sure that people don't steal?

[coos, kisses]

[grunts]

- Aah!
- [in Norwegian] Get up.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Ohh!

We have to help our neighbor.
His farm has been rampaged.

[Torgeir] Get up, now.

[sheep bleating]

[bleating continues]

- My poor little girl.
- What has happened?

It's worse than we thought.

Have they k*lled any of the animals?

Not exactly k*lled...

My little girl.

One of the sheep has been assaulted.

Sexually.

[bleating]

Oh, crap!

[gagging and coughing]

[laughing]

Yes, he did.

I believe he broke his nose.

- Can you see it's red?
- [crowd cheering on TV]

[Johnny in English]
What are you doing?

You're supposed to be
stimulating him up here.

[in Norwegian]
There's a lot of stimuli in this.

Lots of colors and light.

[in English]
Arne, you don't understand.

This kid is taking a major
aptitude test in two days.

You're gonna go out and get him
something that stimulates his brain.

One of them toys

where you put the square things
in the square holes

and the circles in the circles
and the things in the things.

[Arne in English] Okay.

[laughing]

- [Johnny] Arne.
- [in Norwegian] Yeah, yeah, we're going.

Hi. Boss,
we've got a somewhat delicate issue

we have to discuss with you.

Um...

[in English] It's, uh, Stanley.

What's he done now?

He, um...

[in Norwegian]
The thing about Stanley

is he...

[Johnny in English]
What?

- ...crossed a line and--
- What, what, what?

[in Norwegian] Well, there was some
vandalism at the neighbor's farm.

And Stanley, he...

[in English] Come on.
It can't be worsethan yesterday.

[in Norwegian] The district veterinarian
has concluded that Stanley--

- [in English] He r*ped a sheep.
- [in English] He r*ped a sheep.

- Really bad.
- Molested it.

And we found this, as well, in the barn.

And the vet examined the sheep's ass,

and they found some semen
in the sheep's ass.

- [Roar] Human semen.
- Okay.

- [Torgeir] It has to be him.
- Okay!

- [Roar] Who else?
- Okay.

It's worse than yesterday.

[in Norwegian] Yes. And we know Stanley is
good for business and everything,

but just the thought of him
and the sheep and Mom...

Yeah, the thought of it.

[Johnny in English] Jesus Christ.

Listen to me.

Disappear this lowlife.

You got it, boss.

We don't have these problems in Brooklyn.

[in Norwegian] Hello there.

What are you doing? What?

- Come here!
- No. You are so f*cking funny.

- But I cannot take more partying.
- Hush! Be quiet.

What now?

But what is going on? Hello?

Stop it. What the f*ck?

Slow down a little now, boys.

I'm not a young buck anymore.

[laughing]

And who the f*ck are you?

Don't tell me you're today's stripper.

I own the farm next door.

Apparently you dropped by
there last night.

That sheep was a gift
for my 50th birthday.

But this is totally crazy.
I went straight home

- and went to bed--
- You forgot this one.

Listen.

I was wasted.

It hasn't always been easy being me.

I've just lost my God.

- Let go! Stop now.
- Sit still!

What the hell are you doing?

How do you spell "Bye" in Swedish?
Is it I or Y?

I.

- [Torgeir] What's that?
- I.

Just sending a little farewell
message from you to Mom.

Why?

[Torgeir]
You just canceled the wedding.

What? Be careful.
What the f*ck?

[Gringo Bandidos' "The Fortress" playing]

[door opens]

[in Norwegian] sh*t.

Didn't expect to see you here.

[in English]
I brought you a little peace offering.

[grunting]

[in Norwegian]
Not the nicest gift I've seen.

[in English] Heh. Well, it's the guy that
inherited your booze business.

Looks like the grass maybe wasn't greener
on the other side, after all?

[in English] You gonna be a smartass
philosopher or you gonna listen?

[laughs]

Okay, I'm listening.

You're gonna get your business back.

I just need a little accommodation.

Drop this scumbag in Sweden.

[grunting]

Make sure he never comes back
to Norway again.

[in Norwegian] I shall make sure
to transmit that message.

[in English] Good.

In that case...

you're back.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[Stanley grunting]

[Stanley] Roar. Johnny. Torgeir.

[in Norwegian] Wait!

[Roy]
A trip to Sweden? f*ck, that sounds nice.

I'm practically out of bacon.

[Stanley]
The stars shall fall from heaven,

and the powers
of the heavens shall be shaken.

And then shall appear
the sign of my arrival...

[muffled] in the sky!

[Stanley pounding]

[pop music playing faintly over speakers]

[both speaking in Norwegian]

f*ck.
He wants to go back to Jesus, he says.

He won't be with me anymore.

I just don't get it.

Stanley's a complicated guy.

Might as well forget him
as soon as possible.

But what's the thing
with your mom and men?

I am like a flypaper to psychos.

[sobbing]

[speaking Norwegian]

[Ingrid Olava's "Jackie Kennedy" playing]

[in English]
How is it going, boys?

[Arne in Norwegian]
We are making progress.

[in English]
Attaboy. Keep it up.

[in Norwegian] Stop it, Bjorn.
We talked about this earlier.

Put it in there, like this.

Oh. There. And in with it in.

In with it, Bjorn.

sh*t, this isn't working.

It doesn't fit. The thing is f*cked up.

No wonder you're struggling.
The whole thing is a mess. See?

We'll do it like this instead.
The other way doesn't work.

[Johnny in English]
All right, I'll take it from here.

So you showed him
how to work this thing or what?

Huh? You know, the triangle goes in there.

The square goes in the square, right?

This goes over there, this thing.

[Arne in Norwegian] I realize
you're a little stressed out, boss,

but I was in one of those special classes
and I turned out well.

[in English] You hear that?

Uncle Arne had special education.

[in Norwegian]
Come on. Use the elbow! Yes!

[laughs]

[in English]
Pass this test. You hear me?

I'm running out of time.

I gotta think of something.

- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- That's okay.

[in Norwegian]
You delivered him on time?

- [in English] Everything's good.
- Bjorn, he's inside?

Yeah, don't worry about a thing.
He'll be fine.

[Sigrid in Norwegian]
I'm just so nervous.

- [in Norwegian] Hello.
- Hello.

[in English] So?

[in Norwegian]
The good news is that the test went great.

You're serious?

Well above average.

My God!

The bad news...

is that you gave us the wrong twin.

[in English] It's the wrong twin.

[in English] The wrong twin?
[in Norwegian] What do you mean?

The thing is,
we had to change the child's diapers.

And that pretty much removed all doubt.

Oh, dear Bjorg.

[in English] I must have, uh,
accidentally switched the clothes.

Accidentally?

[in Norwegian] You know, I am so sorry
for this. We apologize, really.

[in English] But this is serious.

Bjorn must show signs
of social interaction

or he will be transferred.

Yeah, well,
we appreciate your concern there, Tirly.

Tiril.

Yeah, whatever.

[in Norwegian]
I hope you didn't do this on purpose.

[in English] sh*t happens.

[in Norwegian] Jesus Christ!

[in English]
Don't look at me like that.

What am I supposed to do?

You don't exactly make it easy, you know.

I know I shouldn't leave you

with my stupid f*cking
employees every day,

but I got no choice.

The fucks are always f*cking up,

and I gotta spend my f*cking time

cleaning up their f*cking mess.

Capisce?

f*ck.

What?

Did you say something?

f*ck.

[tires screech]

Can you do that again?

f*ck.

He did it. He spoke.

I knew it!

I knew you were normal!

g*dd*mn!

- g*dd*mn.
- Two syllables!

You're a f*cking genius,
that's what you are.

[laughs]

I knew it! I knew it!

[pop music playing over speakers]

Drinks on the house.

My kid just said his first word.

[both] Hey!

[Arne in Norwegian]
What did he say?

[in English]
The original four-letter word, of course.

Did he say "Daddy"?

Yeah, he said "Daddy." Let's have a drink.

[chuckles]

Set them up, baby.

I knew he had it in him.

[chuckles]
Let's drink, huh? To daddies.

Cheers.

[Johnny chuckles]

[both scream]

[laughing]

[in Norwegian]
Wow, you scared me.

Where have you been?

I have looked for you all week.

I've been at one of those places
where people like me get help.

Okay.

[laughing]

Remember this?

- We had a lot of fun with this.
- I don't feel like reminiscing.

You and I are the king and queen
of this entire f*cking integration circus.

Call the Directorate of Immigration

and tell them it was
all a misunderstanding.

- [Randi] No, no.
- That you were overworked, Randi.

- Not a chance.
- Come on.

I've gotten treatment for my problems.

You should consider the same.

- Call.
- No.

- I said call.
- Let go of me! No.

- Call!
- [body thuds]

Randi?

[Johnny in English]
"A wise old owl lived in an oak.

The more he saw, the less he spoke.

The less he spoke, the more he heard.

'Not for nothing,' says the owl,

'but I'm not a rat, I'm a bird.'"

[Johnny chuckles]

[Johnny sighs]

[cell phone buzzing]

[cell phone buzzing]

- What is so f*cking important?
- [in Norwegian] Hey, Johnny.

We have a little problem up at the center.

[in English] Jan, have you ever heard
the phrase "delegating responsibility"?

- Yeah. But I think maybe--
- Well, that's what I do with you.

I delegate the responsibility to you.

[in Norwegian] Yeah, we did a lot
of delegating in the local council.

[in English] So use it.

It's not a good time.
I'm putting my kid to sleep.

[in Norwegian] Oh, I see. Well,
in that case I won't disturb, Johnny.

I am sorry.

I'll fix this myself.

[in English] Thank you.

[in Norwegian] Bye, bye.

[woman in Norwegian]
We shall now hearabout the Bieber robbery,

where the loot from
the robbery has now been found.

Thomas Hattestad,

head of National Bureau
of Crime Investigation

what is your comment
on these developments?

[in Norwegian] We are happy the bank's
customers have got justice,

so we are indeed pleased.

[woman] But we do hear there has been
strong criticism of the investigation

before the sheriff in
Lilyhammer made a breakthrough.

She found the loot, Hattestad.

What is your response to that criticism?

We are used to criticism,
so I have no comment.

Mette Hansen,
you've received a lot of praise

for finding all these lost valuables.

Tell us what happened.

[in Norwegian] I'm just glad to help.
I am only doing my job.

And should he need any more help,
Thomas has my number.

[woman] So, Hattestad, is this a number
you will consider using more often?

[in English]
Here's looking at you, kid.

[Jan in Norwegian]
It was just an accident, Randi!

[Jan breathing heavily]

An accident.

Turns out our little friend
is a Mafia snitch.

That means someone over there
will give a lot of money for his address.

So what's the plan?
Go to New York

and search the telephone directory
for Don f*cking Corleone, is that it?

Exactly.

[Ingrid Olava's "Jackie Kennedy" playing]