04x04 - Exotic Zoo

[bunniefuu]

The Psychic Vine. What the f*ck does

he want to meet us here for, eh?

f*ck knows.

Did you not ask him?

No. It was f*cking via text.

Via text, he says,

as if it's not possible,

to propose a question through

the medium of the typed word.

It is f*cking hard to propose

a medium through a...

I'm f*cking bad, I'm dyslexic,

aren't I? You are. You are.

Do you know what I mean?

That predictive text sh*t.

Does my f*cking... Does my head in.

It's like when you...you messaged

me. "Been to see Tyler and Erin.

So glad to see their smiling

faeces."

Oh, f*cking hell, here he is.

sh*t!

Vincent. Thomas.

You all right, Davey?

You brought the weed?

Yeah. Ask him, then.

No, YOU f*cking ask him.

Ask him. Why are we meeting

outside a crystal bollocks shop?

Clara Marie. My clairvoyant.

Clairvoy...?

Clairvoyant? Clairvoyant.

♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them

to the birds and bees

♪ I need money

♪

Aw. yes I am seeing...

a fruitful partnership.

I'm seeing wealth and prosperity.

♪ your business interests are

getting stronger.

Oh, but wait.

There's betrayal from...

..a bald man.

Hm... Oh, wait. It's fading.

Ooh... No. It's not strong.

Wait. Oh, where are you going,

you sh*t?

No, come back... Hang on.

Wait.

Oh, sorry. No, it's f*cked off.

Did you not get anything?

Well, there was a man, on the floor.

Possibly the bald man.

And it felt like...it was

the last day of his life.

Did it?

Thank you, Clara. As always.

Right, Vincent, you're up next.

No, no. No, thank you.

I appreciate that, but I'd rather

my future be a surprise.

We're both good. Thank you.

I'll go. No. No.

Be my guest. Thinning a bit

up on top there, Vincent.

Right. OK.

f*cking hell!

Good God, man! That's disgusting.

That's good. That's very, very good.

Nice one. Thank you very much.

I don't want to patronise you,

just take your time on it, love.

it's pretty f*cking strong stuff,

to be honest with you. Calm down.

So, tell the boys the plan.

The plan. The plan? Oh, the plan!

My partner's best friend

- Manolito Calvo -

is having a party tomorrow night

at his marvellously stupid house,

and he is looking for a new supplier

for his online weed operation

that's currently turning over

two million a year.

- f*cking hell.

- I propose...

I propose...

See what I mean?

Do you see what I mean?

No-one ever listens to a f*cking

word I say. Vincent!

WE are gonna go to this party

- all three of us -

so cancel your plans

and dress flamboyantly.

Is there any other way?

Beware of the bald man.

Just get her a Calippo or

something, she's in a bad way.

Come on.

Still got half a brew.

Put the f*cking brew down.

Balding, not baldy.

Oi! What the f*ck is going on here?

You know full well!

The council wrote to you.

When was this? Months back.

Shite, shite, shite, shite.

Farms have to adapt.

We're like sharks,

we've got to keep moving forward

to survive.

Just f*cking talk normal.

What are you building?

Petting zoo. And cafeteria.

A f*cking petting zoo?

And cafeteria.

Google it - children, alpacas,

bouncy castle, cake.

And Google this - "Farm owners

rolling around in money."

£2 for a bucket of carrots.

They'll be paying ME

to feed the animals!

You can't just f*cking...

What?

We share a road.

I don't want it clogged up

with four-by-fours

and pony-faced f*cking c**ts

bringing their f*cking kids

to stroke bastard guinea pigs.

Jealousy, jealousy.

You should have thought of it first.

While I'm lounging around

on my yacht, you'll be over there,

shovelling cow sh*t.

Oi! Paslowski!

Are them immigrants?

We f*cking left!

You lot shouldn't even be here!

Carry on, lads.

Come on. Oh, get on with it.

Ohhh!

They wanted flamboyant, and f*ck me,

did we give 'em flamboyant.

I like it.

I think you'd suit that, JJ.

I'd rather f*cking die.

Well, sweetheart, before you do,

grab your car keys,

cos you're driving us there.

I feel like a complete f*cking d*ck.

Have I overdone it?

Do you want an honest answer?

Not really, no.

Right, well, you look great, then.

You're a knobhead! d*ck!

Avante!

f*ck!

Vin?

What, love? Be careful.

I'm not happy with you

getting into bed with those idiots.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

Well, I... You're gorgeous.

Bugger off. What the f*ck?

No. No, not you.

What you got there, Cardi?

This is a present for you.

For us.

Present? Mighty. What is it?

Well, now that we are married,

of course,

and I know we got the dog

and a pigeon and a llama and that,

but I saw this on eBay and I thought

it would be good p-practice

for when we...

For when we what?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What the f*ck is that?

Is that a baby simulator?

It burps, it cries, it pisses,

it even shits itself.

It's amazing.

You've gotta wear one of these,

so that when it cries, you know

which thing it is that needs

attending to.

But you can turn it off,

if you don't want to be -

No, no you, can't turn it off.

It stays on.

It's got a chip in its head and it's

designed to act like a real baby.

We get a report at the end of

month, telling us what to improve on

for when we do it for real. Oh, my

God, I love it. Can I hold him?

Course you can. Be my guest, Sugar.

Be careful with the head.

Asian. Asian baby.

You couldn't have brought me

a f*cking handbag or something?

You look delightful.

Overdone it.

Look at this bullshit here.

That's er, a gay icon. Is it f*ck!

That's f*cking Vladimir Putin!

Vladimir Putin,

bare-chested, on horseback

in the Siberian wilderness,

has brought plenty of men

to completion.

That's a f*cking carton.

Betty Boo's a cartoon!

Betty Boo. Betty Boo.

Jazz Age lesbian.

Look at these here.

Vincent. Thomas. You made it, then.

Don't you look marvellous.

You f*cking tricked me, man!

I look like a knobhead.

You're wanted.

Holy f*ck, dude,

check this f*cking place out, man.

He's got his own pool.

He's got a f*cking maze.

He's got a maze!

What kind of man has a maze?

Here they are. You all right, lads.

Come in. Welcome, please...

do join me. It's wet and it's warm.

That's how I like it.

I'm just gonna have a minute.

Just gonna take it all in.

Get in the tub.

I assume you've brought the sample.

Yes, I have, yeah.

But just go easy on it when you

smoke it. It's f*cking strong stuff.

Clara tells me it's the finest weed

she ever smoked.

Well, you know.

Let's not oversell it.

It's excellent, Manolito.

What you saying, then?

Willies in or out?

As nature intended.

Why even ask?

You don't have to ask me twice.

How much of this can you supply?

We do a reasonable amount already.

It's just f*cking space.

As much as you need.

Whatever.

I need a LOT. Then a lot is what

we will give you.

Isn't that right, Vincent?

Yeah... Yeah, yeah.

This is very very good.

I'm certain

we can do some business together.

Fantastident.

This calls for a top-up.

Oh... Oh-ho-ho!

f*cking, your garden, mate. It's

unreal, you've got a maze, man!

I have a man that looks after it.

What about them outhouses down

there? What's in them?

That's my zoo.

You haven't got a zoo?

Absolutely zoo.

It's my special exotic animal zoo.

You want to see it?

f*cking hell, we gotta see it.

f*cking right we do.

We'll go.

Jason! Tyler! Bring me the robes.

I call her Carol Basking.

Cos she like to bask in the sun.

I'm a bit like Dr Doolittle,

I talk with the animals,

walk with the animals,

grunt and squeak with the animals.

This is amazing. If people ask us,

can you speak Rhinoceros,

we'd say 'Of courserous!"

Can't you?

I like this guy.

These are my pride and joy.

See this guy? Horatio.

My personal favourite.

Is he happy in there?

Shouldn't he be out, you know,

swinging about with the wildebeest

or so on?

They love it here. Love it!

They demand a lot of attention

and I give it to them.

Here. Watch.

You're gonna get him out?

Horatio?

Come on. Very good boy.

Isn't he a cutie, uh?

Bloody hell! See, he does as daddy

tells him to do.

Oh, dude!

It's a good look.

Is it? Does it suit me?

I'll tell you what, you look regal.

Ah, he likes you1

I f*cking like him, man.

He's so f*cking cool. Fantastic.

They are, uh, like my children,

and I love every last one of them.

There is one animal

I would like to show Vinnie, alone.

How about me and you

go for a little drink, Thomas?

Come on. Where's this animal?

I like a man with tattoos, Vincent.

I find it, er, very erotic.

And I think your face is

very, very cute. Oh!

I know you're not gay,

I am not gay...

I go left, I go right.

Animal, mineral, vegetable...

I like what I like.

Deep inside,

every man is a little bit gay.

Er...

Do you know, I'm inclined

to agree with you, actually.

I reckon you're right.

Good.

Woah. Where you going?

Mate, listen, we can't be sucking

each other off, bruv.

Do you not think it's just better,

just keep this,

just keep this strictly business?

No. No.

I don't.

You don't wanna do that? OK.

Tom?

Who's there?

f*ck. Come out or I'll have no

option but to carry on sh**ting.

f*cking hell.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Stopping you

and all your immigrant pals

from building a f*cking

illegal petting zoo. And cafeteria!

And f*ck...cafeteria.

And it's not illegal.

Permission was sought and granted.

So dance, monkey boy, dance.

Stupid blonde arsehole!

Argh! Argh! Me foot!

Jim? Call an ambulance!

sh*t.

Stupid Polish c**t! Ow!

Bang out of line, this.

Bang out of line.

See you, then.

Nice lads.

What ha... What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

He says...

"Let me suck you off. Deal done."

That's what he says to me.

Can you believe that

f*cking sh*t there?

Did you not let him?

Course I f...

Course I didn't let him

suck me off!

Why the f*ck not, Vinnie?

Two million quid?

Are you f*cking joking?

Couldn't you just let him

get on with it?

Think what you're saying.

You having a f*cking laugh, man!

You shouldn't have to let

someone suck you off

to get a f*cking deal done.

Gay, straight or otherwise.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

Fair point. Yeah.

We're f*cked now, aren't we, eh?

MacDonagh's gonna flip his lid.

How the f*ck are we even

gonna get home?

I tell you what,

if he's f*cking stupid

to turn down our high-grade weed,

then that's on him. On him!

And I'll tell you

something else an' all.

I'm nicking that f*cking zoo!

You what?

I'm nicking the f*cking zoo.

I'm nicking it!

f*cking flip flops!

What's the point?

f*cking Polish prick

sh*t me in cold blood.

This is the thanks you get

for letting 'em come here

for making 'em welcome

in our green and pleasant land.

They take up arms and sh**t you

through the metatarsical.

You didn't exactly welcome him,

did you?

Anyway, he was born in Barnsley.

Not the f*cking point.

I'll tell you what the f*cking point

is, Captain Haddock.

You f*cking knocked over

his petting zoo, you knob.

And his cafeteria, you fuckwit.

And now he's put a f*cking hole

through your foot.

How long's it gonna be before

that's sorted out?

Six weeks.

f*ck me.

Who's gonna milk the cows?

Who's gonna feed the pigs?

I'll be destitute, and he'll be

living it up on c**t's carrot cash.

We could help out, couldn't we?

Ooh...

It's a kind offer,

but it's hard work, man's work.

Is it?

Listen to him.

The f*cking asthma wizard

of the north.

Giving it big licks like

it's a f*cking hard job.

We can do it, can't we?

If you can do it, WE can do it!

She needs changing. Excuse me.

Right. Well, that counts him out.

But the rest of you -

Hang on, hang on. I mean, I'd love

to, obviously, Jim,

but, er, I am in fact the proprietor

of a mobile erotic parlour

and I mean business is, phwoar,

oooh... It's booming.

Yeah, and I'm running a garage.

I'm in the pub most days.

Yeah. I... have to go...move...

Help move some cloth. over at...

It'll take all my strength

to move that there.

Honestly, I can believe his

and I can believe his

and I can believe his.

But yours just went on and on,

with zero f*cking commitment.

You don't even believe your lie!

You're all f*cking doing it,

everyone of you.

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus

covered in f*cking weird hair,

we're in it together. Now you,

tell me what's involved, come on.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, I would.

I don't want to do that for you.

I'm touched. You're good friends.

Just keep your hands off my food

and don't be looking in my bedroom

drawers.

All right. Now, I do have to look up

your urethra.

Because the nurse...

I promised the nurse.

I just gotta get through the pubes.

Chain g*ng

♪ That's the style of the man

Hey!

For f*ck sake, can you look at it?

It says on Jim's shitty

instructions, do it firmly!

JJ, I'm doing it firmly!

I don't wanna f*cking hurt

her boobs, man. You know?

Here you are, check this out.

Cardi... Cardi, are you gonna

help us or what?

Dude, she needs feeding.

And then she needs winding.

Where's Carol, can't Carol do it?

Carol did the f*cking night,

she's exhausted.

It's just a f*cking doll!

I'm gonna throttle him!

I'm gonna throttle him, Dylan!

♪ Huh uh uh uh-uh uh

♪ My work is so hard...

Lord God, Jesus Christ,

it's f*cking hard work, innit?

Eh?

I've got new-found respect for that

skinny little twat.

He does this all on his own.

I can't do this anymore.

Me neither lads, I'm exhausted.

I think I've got an idea.

Didn't Jim say Shirley was

building a petting zoo?

And a cafeteria.

f*ck me. And cafeteria.

And?

Back in half an hour.

Shall we put a brew on?

We'll get a brew.

Cardi, come and have a brew with me,

love. f*ck me.

I'll take her.

No, I've got her.

No it's all right.

I've got her! All right...

Oh aye. Watch out, JJ, look like

Sugar's getting some ideas there.

We're having unprotected sex

actually, twice a week.

It's a bit like Russian roulette,

but no g*n.

Just a penis and a vag*na.

This is Manolito's massive

stupid house.

This is his massive stupid garden.

Guess what? It's got a f*cking maze.

A-maze-ing.

Dickhead.

Now, THAT'S the zoo.

That's where the crettings are kept.

But how are you gonna get

a dozen animals out of there?

It's not a problem - boxes, cages,

that kind of sh*t.

This is my problem.

I don't know how the f*ck to get in

this massive perimeter

bloody hedge fence thing.

If we do manage it,

at the back there's a gate.

That'll only open from the inside,

yeah, that's our way out.

Can I just say, for the record,

and I wnt it put in the minutes,

I do not approve of the

aforementioned exotic zoo heist.

Yes, me neither.

Stealing f*cking zoo animals

never ended well for us. I'll tell

you the reason we're doing it.

Is because, A, these animals

are worth a f*cking fortune.

Because, he's a knob.

He is.

And three...

C!

It's f*cking C. A, B, C, in't it?

Not A, B, Three. Can no-one

stick to a simple f*cking system?

It's A, B, C, in't it?

Well, f*cking three, then!

C, then!

f*cking C, C! C!

Just f*cking C. I've just forgotten

everything!

What the mucky f*ck is up

with that thing? Christ!

Cardi, give it here,

let me change it. No, Tommo...

Hey Cardi, Cardi? Cardi? Cardigan?

I'm very good with children,

aren't I?

Come on. There we go, lovely. Aww!

Get the head. Get the head.

I've got it. Don't worry.

- Then you just go..

- Tommo!

Avante. What is wrong with you,

you f*cking monster?

Given it something to cry about,

haven't I?

He's learning to parent, you d*ck!

Hang the f*ck on a minute.

Am I in a f*cking parallel universe?

Am I the only one who can see the

massive f*cking elephant in the

room,

sitting here

drinking a cup of tea with us?

Carol is nearly 50. Who the

f*ck's he gonna have a baby with?

Shut up, you dickhead!

What do you...

You've just slam-dunked his Asian

baby on a f*cking a*mo crate!

He's trying to be a dad

and we have to break the sh*t

to him gentle.

Honesty is the best policy.

He's got more chance conceiving

with Alison, the f*cking sex doll.

All right, just shush.

What kind of a maze is it?

What do you mean,

what kind of a f*cking ma...?

What is it made out of?

don't know what it's f*cking...

trees, bushes, f*cking hedges.

It's a maze!

That's a-maze-ing stuff!

f*ck dude. sh*t!

Well, dude, there's your answer.

Over the hedge and into the maze.

As luck would have it.

I'm fixing this contractor's van,

the one that fixes street lights,

- I can let you lot up and over.

- 'Ey up!

Oh. He's very good. Very good.

Very, very sexual. Very,

very sexual. Very, very sexual.

Very, very sexual.

Voila. Problem solved.

Who are they? What? Hired help.

Say hello to Codrin and his mates.

You all right, Codrin?

Hi. Jim'll lose his mind.

What Jim doesn't know

won't hurt him.

Where have you got the money,

though?

How're you gonna pay 'em?

Profits from the intended

sale of the exotic animals?

Hold on. Who the f*ck is gonna buy

these buggers anyway?

Exotic animals?

Yeah. Exotic animals.

Do I look like a bloke that

deals in exotic animals?

No, you look like the walking

embodiment of gout.

What are they?

Different types.

Bloody monkey thing.

There's a massive emu.

There's a bleedin' skunk.

When was the last time you seen

a skunk? I'm looking at one.

Fucker. They're worth a f*cking

fortune is what I'm saying.

And if you can find a buyer,

you'll get a cut.

How's them apples?

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Have you heard this, Calvin?

That hurts.

All right, then. 15. 15%.

I think it's angina.

I f*cking wish it was.

Shall I call an ambulance?

Pain's going down m arm.

All right, give over.

f*ck off, Dan! 25.

I'm not going lower than 25,

you c**t.

Oh, mummy. Daddy.

Are you dead?

Oh, no,

whatever will we do, Calvin?

He's finally passed

away from being an horrible c**t.

on a limb. f*ck!

Cardi, what's up? 'He's leaving

now.' Right, roger that.

He's wearing s-snake skin shoes.

Is that f*cking relevant?

No, not really, no.

They're nice, though.

Jesus Christ!

Right, you lot, let's get going.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Jogger.

Jogger. Jogger.

Pretend you're like doing something.

Doing something? Doing what?

Hello, you all right?

Evening.

How's it going? You all right?

How are you?

It's looking good.

Right, that'll do.

It's a bit high.

Hurry up, will you? You do it!

You're bigger than me.

And you're already up there!

Be careful now, man.

I can't believe we're lobbing

ourselves off an 'edge.

Just shut up,

it's the only way in, dude!

You all right? Brambles just break

the shite out of my undercarriage!

He's not selling it, is he?

You all right?

Yeah.

Urgh! Shut the f*ck up.

The secret to finding your way

out of a maze

is to put your hand on the right

side, keep touching it

and choose a direction.

Which way?

Left.

What? Left.

Go right.

f*cking brilliant. Tommo?

f*cking left.

Left it is.

We'll go left, then.

This isn't left. This is right.

f*ck me!

I'll just give Carol a call,

see how baby's getting on.

f*ck sake.

She's fine. How many

times are you gonna call me?

Is she sleeping?

She is.

I put her down about an hour ago

and then I took the dog out

for a walk. I'm f*cking exhausted.

Wait. You put her down

and you left her in the house

while you took the dog out?

That's right. She was fast asleep.

Carol, you can't leave a baby

unattended in the house.

What if something had happened?

Like what?

Like...

Like a f*cking fire...

or someone stealing her...

I don't know, Carol.

But that's one of the rules.

I'm back now

and she's fine there.

I have a nice of wine on the go.

W-What's that noise?

What noise?

You're in the pub, aren't you?

No, no. I'm at home, I swear,

That's the telly that

you hear in the background.

No, no, no. Carol,

you can't be getting wasted.

I'm coming home.

I-I-I'm coming back.

She needs her f*cking father.

f*ck sake, he's coming back,

get them into you.

OK? I'm going home, mate.

I'm going home.

Mate, you can't just f*cking bail.

We need your van for the animals.

Yeah, well, they can travel in the

transit, can't they?

I've got responsibilities, JJ.

Something you lot can't seem to get

your heads round.

Cardi, you can't...

Are you being f*cking serious?

Wrong way. Go back. Go back.

Go on, get down there.

Vinnie?

What the f*ck are you doing?

Right. This is it, then.

This is how we die, in't it?

In a f*cking hedge.

They'll find our dishevelled

corpses over there by some cages

and a f*cking stun g*n.

It's an ornamental maze, innit?

In a sex maniac's garden.

We can get out of this.

Oi, you, get the f*ck up there.

Go and see if you can find the exit.

Why me?

Cos you're the lightest one.

Get the f*ck up there, dude.

Fine. But I want it taken down

in the notes

I'm not f*cking happy about it.

He's gonna have to go on someone's

shoulders. He's ever so small.

Just lift him up!

JJ.

Where the f*ck are you?

You just listen to me.

Get them f*cking vans ready.

I've gone hedge blind over here.

Can you see the f*cking way out?

- I just need to get a little bit...

- Argh!

You got a light?

I'm trapped in brambles and thorns.

Help me, then!

Help me, you dickheads.

Now someone's gonna

have to save the saviour.

Ow, you're f*cking

right up my arsehole.

Look the exit's only two turns away.

Quick!

♪ I Want Candy

f*ck me, look at the size of him.

f*cking Calvin. Knobhead.

Come on,

let's get the f*ck out of here.

Ash, Dildo, you go with JJ.

Tommy, get in the f*cking van.

♪ I want candy

Wanted one f*cking night off.

One night I just wanted to feel

free. Is that too much to ask?

You're a mother now, Carol.

No-one said it was gonna be easy.

It's all about self-sacrifice.

You see what you made me do?

Is it dead?

It's not f*cking dead. It's...

Whack her in there, she'll be fine.

And now it's sh*t itself.

Well done, Carol.

It's not the f*cking only one.

What do you want?

What do you mean, what do I want?

I've got the animals

for you and Dan?

He's not here.

What do you.... I tried calling you.

What the f*ck do you mean

he's not here? Where is he?

He's gone home. Buyer pulled out.

What the f*ck?

Calvin, what did he say?

I tried calling you,

you didn't answer!

Because I was f*cking stealing 'em,

Calvin!

If you'd answered your phone,

you would've known that

we didn't want 'em.

I couldn't f*cking answer the phone,

because I was stealing

the shagging animals.

Why couldn't have just left

a f*cking message,

like a normal human being?

Because I don't speak to machines.

Course not. Why would you?

You f*cking...

Back in, back inside.

All right, Tommo?

Are we done, then?

Get these dickheads out of the van.

We can't

because Chinese Dan has gone home

and the f*cking buyer's pulled out.

Calvin.

Did you not think to tell us?

Because I have had

the night from hell!

I called him, he didn't answer.

Did you try leaving a message?

I don't speak to machines.

They're all recorded.

Them messages are on the system.

Don't speak to machines!

Now my trainers are wet, you c**t.

What we gonna do now, then? Cos

I've got a van load of exotic,

and going by their behaviour,

extremely f*cking sexually charged

animals in there.

It's not my problem.

But if you wanna get out of them

torn clothes, you can come inside...

But it's not the moment for it,

is it, Calvin?

Will you knob off! Go on, get gone.

Get out of it, you pig.

Sexual predator.

He is a f*cking predator.

f*ck me, it's Davey MacDonaugh.

Argh! f*ck! They're gonna know.

How the f*ck would they know?

Just settle down a bit.

Answer it, then. Maybe YOU

answer it. It's your phone!

Just chill out! Just chill out!

Hello?

Vincent.

Despite the fact that you f*cked

the whole thing backwards,

I've managed to save the deal.

What do you mean? Sorry?

I've been with Manolito for dinner

and I've smoothed out

your f*cking mess.

The weed deal's back on.

So DON'T f*ck it up again.

Toodle-oo.

Toodle...

He's gone. He's gone. f*ck!

What does that mean?

How much cocaine have you done?

Get in the shagging van. Come on.

Can't we just un-steal them?

What, go back through that maze?

Are you joking?

Thanks for bailing, by the way.

The baby needed me.

The baby was fine.

The baby wasn't fine, Erin, she was

in an uns-suitable environment.

She didn't cry once.

Look, why don't we just

take 'em back to Manolito's, yeah,

hold our hands up and be like,

"I'm sorry for the aggravation"?

sh*t idea. f*cking terrible idea.

What you talking about?

f*cking idiot.

Think about what you're saying.

Sorry.

We've stolen all of

his exotic f*cking monkey children!

He won't want to go into business

with us now.

No. We need to just get shut and

pretend none of this ever happened.

Can we not just find a new buyer?

Plenty of people

must want an emu, an iguana,

a skunk, a bunch of doves and a tiny

monkey with a horrible attitude.

Hang on. Shirley is trying to create

a petting zoo. And cafeteria.

But there's loads of petting zoos.

Why don't we make it more exotic?

Ooh.

What, like with tits and that?

Oh, animals, yeah.

Voila! Eh?

It's impressive, innit?

Robbed, are they?

Where've you lifted 'em from?

Listen here. I f*cking resent that.

We have just lost a very near

and dear friend.

Well, friend of a friend.

Yeah, an acquaintance.

From a long illness drawn out.

Gastric. Gastric.

Issues. Intestinal. Yeah.

Gangrene.

Stop! Stop making f*cking words.

Now, his family didn't know what

to do with all these tropical c**ts.

So I've been a good lad

and I've taken 'em on.

How much?

Some rare animals in there, Shirley.

I'm not messing around with you,

and that's a f*cking skunk, right?

I don't want that monkey.

Reminds me of ye Uncle Cyril.

Just f*ck the monkey, then.

Everything in there, bar the monkey,

best offer, dig deep.

Two grand.

Two f*cking grand?

What are them numbers?

What are them numbers, eh?

After the impassioned speech

I just give you about dying f*cking

boys and that.

All right, all right...

Three.

Three!

I could put them online and get

Go on, then.

I f*cking well will!

Woah. Wait.

Get him. Get him. Get him.

NO. Shirley. Shirley, don't.

Just come back here a minute.

I'm sorry. I'll sort you out.

Four.

Four? You d*ck.

f*cking...12!

Nine and a half.

Four. And that's my final offer.

Five and that's..

Six. And that's my final.

Five.

Nailed it.

What does this f*cking old c**t

want here? sh*t!

Jimbo?

Hey. All right, lads?

What the f*ck have you brought

a monkey for?

Brought him to cheer you up.

Keep the f*cking stupid thing.

Ow! I've been out two seconds

and I've nearly dislocated

my f*cking hip.

Listen to me now. Seriously.

You're not going back to the farm

today.

Shirley's up there

with his petting zoo.

And f*cking cafeteria.

And the cafeteria, dude.

You can't go back,

it's too stressful.

Tell him, will you?

You need to convalesce, Jim.

You need to conva...conva...

Convalesce.

Come stay with me

for a bit in shack love.

In that sh*t shack?

There's no shower!

I'm not sharing a bed with you, Vin.

I don't wanna share a bed with you!

With yer sh*t pube face,

you do my f*cking head in. Ow!

Get in the f*cking van.

Hey, it's not that bad in here, is

it? It's quite cosy on the inside.

Cosy on the inside. Like a womb.

It's nothing like a womb.

A womb is full of amniotic fluid,

basically, six parts baby piss.

Shut the f*ck up. Listen, it's good

for you in the woods.

It's gonna take your mind off

Shirley and that petting zoo

for a bit.

Yeah, and cafeteria.

And the cafeteria also.

Now, have you got everything

you need, you?

What's the wifi code?

Listen to him. What's the wifi?

You think you're in a Travelodge

or summat, this one,

do you know what I mean?

Come on. Good lad. Yeah.

And bring back a change of clothes.

And don't be rooting

in my bedroom drawers!

No-one's going in your bedroom

drawers, you f*cking old turd.

I wonder what's in them.

I dread to think.

The mind boggles. Ooh!

Hey, lad, who's this?

That's Davey and Barry MacDonagh.

They've got that weird c**t

with the animals.

Go and hide the monkey.

Hide it where?

Go and f*cking hide it...

The laundry basket or some sh*t

like that.

How's it going?

Vincent...

Hey. It's nice to see you.

I'm really sorry

about the other night.

What do you know about my animals,

Yeah. You showed us

the other night, didn't you?

There's been a theft, Vincent.

Ooh! Of the f*cking animals?

Which ones?

All of them! Oh!

Let's just stay calm, shall we?

I very much doubt that Vincent

would be stupid enough to steal

your exotic animals.

Yes, that is right.

I would never be stupid enough

to do such a thing.

I'm heartbroken.

They're my children.

Especially Horatio.

He's my favourite.

You were the last person to see them

and you left my party

in pretty unhappy circumstances.

Really, guys,

I'm not that type of lad.

I'm not a type of person

that'd come back and steal

all your lovely animals, just

as petty revenge, for f*ck sake.

Check his home.

You'll only find

a pissed-up old farmer in there...

Now, see what I mean?

Afternoon.

Where are my animals?

Animals?

We're just sitting here chilling,

watching YouTube videos.

There's a lovely Brazilian hip hop

version of Haddaway, What Is Love...

You better not have

them, Vincent. I don't, I swear it.

You've got the wrong guy.

I just wanna do business with you,

that's f*cking it.

I don't wanna nick

your bloody animals. Christ.

OK... But can I trust you?

f*cking yeah, you can trust me.

Ask anyone round here.

I'm not anyone...

Christ.

I wouldn't trust him in my house

on his own, not near my drawers.

He's a right nosy bastard.

Syphilis. It's f*cked his head up.

Don't listen. Ask anyone normal.

Not anyone.

f*ck's wrong with you?

Alas...

Alas, guys, come on.

We got a deal here or what?

OK.

See!

Oh, f*ck!

Go!

Shirley? Shirley?!

f*ck. Shirley?

Shirley, I'm f*cking sorry, man,

I'm gonna have to ask for

them animals back.

Too late, I've sold 'em.

What the f*ck do you mean? When?

Just now, he's just left.

I thought you wanted them

for your dickhead petting zoo thing.

Went online. You were right.

Collector he is.

Earned a nice little profit.

"Earned a nice little profit"?

You sh*t dickhead.!

Ashley?

Always me hair. Always me hair!

We need to follow that van!

Laura

Here we go!

Don't f*cking k*ll us, Vin!

f*cking hell, was it Cardi, that?

Yeah, it was.

Hurry up, they're getting away!

The f*cking baby, Carol,

you didn't strap her in!

Oh, I got distracted!

You're a terrible mother!

Oh, really?

Well, I mother you, don't I?

You're like a grown baby man, Cardi.

Well, you'll be better off

without us, then, won't you?

Yeah, I f*cking would.

♪ Sh'mon, sh'mon

♪ Where is your love?

♪ Don't you give me your love...

Here we go. Here we go.

Tell 'em.

It's an emergency!

Pull over.

f*ck me! No, no, no.

Get in here, you big, you big sh*t.

Listen, we just go easy on 'em.

They've done nothing wrong.

We're not gonna hurt 'em.

They've bought the animals

in...in good faith.

Yeah, just be reasonable.

Just be f*cking reasonable dude.

Be reasonable.

All right, lads, I'm ever so sorry.

What the f*ck are you doing,

you g*ons? I know, I'm sorry.

You nearly had us

off the f*cking road.

What about that chat we just had?

They were rude.

Why do...

Why do I get the big one, dude?

Right, you get in, rascal...

What you doing, dude?

Making them bum.

Don't make 'em...

Don't make 'em bum. Get in the

f*cking van. Not this van!

That van there!

Driving side, Ashley!

sh*t! f*ck sake, dude.

Liberty Belle

♪ That v*olence

that you get around here

♪ That kind of ready-steady v*olence

♪ That violent "How do you do?"

Cheers, mate!

Ladies.

Oh sh*t.

Who the f*ck are they? Ow!

♪ Just like you

Man is on the nod, yeah

♪ What you gonna do about it?

Now then, Bredrin. Super scary dude.

It's mental.

Get the f*cking animals up, quick!

Don't let anyone see you.

What the f*ck are them gloves, bruv?

What you mean?

Got to be protected, man.

Got that? Yeah.

They can't stay here, Vin.

Obviously they can't!

This isn't a permanent solution,

is it.

It's Davey MacDonaugh.

We are so f*cked.

"W2"?

This was your f*cking idea.

I am just a single bystander

in this f*cking bullshit.

You're involved is what you were.

You helped us break in, you d*ck.

Woah, woah, woah!

What did I say about

stealing animals?

It always f*cking goes wrong!

You did say that. You're right.

You're f*cking right. sh*t!

It's a learning curve.

But right now, what are we gonna

f*cking do with all these?

Can I keep Horatio's twin brother?

No.

Wait, right, he knows you've taken

'em, so the deal is f*cked anyway.

Show him your honour. Just take 'em

back, just tell 'em

you only nicked 'em

because of how he treated you.

Be honest is basically

what you're saying? Yes!

It's not a bad idea.

Thank you

I'm just gonna suggest...leverage.

f*ck Vin!

We need a f*cking dealer,

and he wants his exotic animals

back, do you know what I mean?

Let's just cut the bugger a deal.

Or they might cut your balls off.

He called them his children.

People will do anything to get

their f*cking kids back.

Look at, um, Liam Neeson in Taken.

And Taken two. And Taken Three.

How many f*cking films

are there? Too many Takens.

This guy's a bit bloody unlucky.

First it's his f*cking daughter,

then his wife.

I haven't even seen

the third one.

Both of them with the third one.

Christ!

You forget that these are deeply

implausible Hollywood films

and Davey's gonna k*ll us!

f*ck me. You're right, he's right.

As per f*cking usual. Dylan's right.

We're doing leverage?

Leverage! Leverage!

We're doing leverage, f*ckers.

Right, milking's done.

Cleaning's done.

And all your cattle

are in the field.

And we've organised

your bottling shed. Yeah.

This place is in a better state

than what you left it in, Jim.

That doesn't make it right.

I left my farm in your English

hands,

and from your manicured

English hands,

YOU have handed it across

to all and sundry -

They're just people, Jim.

From a different country.

And they're hard-working.

They're prepared to do your sh*t

for low wages

while you're incapable.

Codrin.

Ah, Codrin, Danut, Livue.

This is Jim.

Hello, Jim. Cozonac?

Where are you from?

f*cking...Transylvania?

Yes.

But not worry, we're not Dracula.

Where's that prick O'Neil?

What do you want,

you foot-sh**ting twat?

What are they doing here?

What's it to you?

They're MY workers.

They're part of the team

on my petting zoo.

Well,

they're MY f*cking workers now.

So take your stupid blonde hair

and get f*cked.

YOUR f*cking workers?

MY f*cking workers.

My f*cking workers.

Oh yeah, yeah.

You'll be here for a while.

MY f*cking workers!

Come through.

He wants to see us in the maze. Why

does he wanna meet in a maze, man?

That's a shite place for a meeting.

Not an a-maze-ing place to meet!

I do not like this.

I do not like this one bit.

It's all right. Chill.

Just remember how to find your way

out again.

Cos that worked so well last time.

Well, well, well...

if it isn't the exotic

animal thieves.

We're f*cking sorry about that.

Give over Dyl, you tart.

Now, honestly, we did. We stole your

f*cking animals, in part of revenge,

because you were a bit of a knob.

But, look, look, look.

If you want a deal, you can have

every single one of them back.

And you can have them back

this very evening.

That sounds fair to me.

That does sound fair.

And who's going to suck my d*ck?

Are you?

Uh, no!

How about you?

It's not the weather for it.

Can we not just park the d*ck

sucking and talk about business?

Come on, man. The business end of

things has been taken care of.

Isn't that right, gentlemen?

What's he on about?

Beware the bald man.

You've broken

my f*cking trust, Vincent,

and that is a cardinal f*cking sin.

You give him the animals back

and you grow the weed,

but let there be no doubt,

you are a f*cking marked man.

Sometimes in life, metaphorically,

and actually,

you have to suck a d*ck.

Easy

♪ Nothing in the middle

but a bare knuckle fight

♪ You're dizzy all day,

looking side to side

♪ And they've shouted all your life

♪ No, it's not easy, kid

♪ No, it's not easy

♪ We're all living day to day

♪ Trying to get along together...

So I got the, er, report back.

And, er,

it says we are unfit parents.

But...I think...

..if it were a real baby,

we would have treated it better,

like, if it were real.

I don't think Tommo would chucked

it across the barn, do you?

Unlikely.

I'm sorry...for saying

you're a terrible mother.

I'd not slept and I were g-grouchy.

But I've been thinking, right,

and I think...

when we have our own...

..when we have our own...

..we'll be much better than we have

been with Matilda, no?

Matilda?

Matil...

That's just the name I gave her

in my head.

You know, Cardi,

erm...

..I'm not the spring chicken

that I used to be.

And time... Time is not as kind

to a woman.

Right.

What I'm trying to say to you

is, Cardi, that...

if you want to be a father, right...

If it's something that you...

If it's something

that you truly want to be...

then maybe you're not with

the right woman.

No, I only want one with you.

What if I can't?

We've always got the d-dog.

And the pigeon. And the llama.

I don't need a baby.

I need you.

Barry? Barry?

Where the f*ck have you been?

Your man said it was a stupid idea.

That's a stupid idea.

Oh, no! Masked invaders!

You know Erin Croft, right? Who's

asking? I think she's my sister.

To sh*t dads!

Go go go!

One stem can fetch up to five grand.

Waargh!

Watch this...

It's going down.

No, no, no!

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength