04x07 - An Unexpected Guest

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Knob end.

Oi. I f*cking told you man,

I haven't got any.

I'm just wondering if the situation

might have developed

and progressed in some way,

in the last couple of hours or so?

What do you mean "last few hours"?

How does time pass

in your big fat head.

There's been fifteen f*cking minutes

since you last rang me.

Listen to me. I told you,

I'll sort you out tomorrow

and stop belling me up

in't middle o' night Christoff.

How about I get in a cab?

Why? Why would you do that?

Well, I could come and pick it up.

I don't- f*cking hell I've told yer.

I don't have it here, do I?!

I've got a... I'll pay for a cab

to come and pick it up

from wherever it is?

Jesus Christ, dude.

f*ck... Get out of it!

What about some ket?

No I can't get any ket,

it's for f*cking horses.

Look, you want ket bell Tommo.

m*therf*cker.

sh*t...

You best be a badger.

I'm armed.

f*ck you up.

Oh, come on!

Well that's it then.

f*cking smack down.

Ooh, f*cking hell!

You alright?

You scared the life out of me.

Money ♪

Hot.

Bloody hot.

Have a sit down.

It's very late.

Should I ring someone. Do you...

have anyone I could...

..ring, so they can help.

What about the police?

I can see you don't want that.

Are you hungry?

Er..

bisc.... biscuits.

Got some, something back here.

Ooh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ho!

Biscuits.

Nope!

I'm safe.

You know...

f*cking hell!

f*ck's going on here?

Vincent.

Davey.

Alright Barry?

What you doing up at this hour?

You should be tucked up in bed.

Heard a bit of a noise,

so I come out to check on it.

What did you hear? I don't know!

Like a badger or something.

Maybe.

What's going on?

Barry needs the toilet.

Baz, it's the f*cking woods, dude.

Just have a piss.

It's a sh*t!

Oh.

Here, in there.

Cup of tea, Vincent.

sh*t!

So what's er...

what's going on, then?

Nothing for you to worry about.

Me and the lads have had

a bit of business in the woods.

What kind of business

you have in't woods then?

Private business, that's what sort.

We're looking for someone.

Well, you'll not find no one but me

in these bloody woods.

You're not looking for me, are you?

Why would I be looking for you?

You're right there, aren't you?

Yeah.

Don't be thick in front of me.

No, this is somebody

who doesn't want to be found...

So you're just...

hunting through woods

looking for the bugger are you?

Strong word that 'hunting',

but not entirely inaccurate.

You been here alone all night?

You've not seen anybody at all?

Yeah, no I haven't.

Which is it? Yeah, no?

Yeah, yes, I am sure

I haven't seen anyone.

Come on. What's going on?

What you laughing for?

I'm just nervous... n-nervous laugh.

All a bit unnerving in't it,

waking up

with all these fella's outside.

Just a bit...

'A bit...'?

Unexpected.

'Unexpected'?

Right, well, better press on.

Do something for me Vincent.

Take care!

How the f*ck have you got

wrapped up in all this, you?

It's mad!

Swear to God,

there's no rhyme or reason

to a damn thing Davey does.

f*cking nutcase.

The f*cking rumours I've heard...

Best thing for you to do now...

..is just get

as far away from here as possible.

Got you a sandwich there.

And there's a bit of tea

in there for you.

I've got some of money somewhere.

Where'd I put that, eh?

It's not much. Erm...

Listen, you're looking

for the one-nine-two bus. OK?

You get on that bus,

and you don't get off it

until it reaches

the end of its destination.

One-nine-two, yeah?

You need to go

far, far away from here.

Then you'll be safe.

Go on then.

Off you go, you'll be alright.

One nine two and just stay on it.

What's this then?

I'll tell you what it is, Snatchy,

it's an Estonian passport.

Why have you got

an Estonian passport for?

Chinese Dan's doing them.

Lot cheaper than a UK passport,

makes getting round Europe

a lot easier.

'Indrek Ay-vek'?

Indrek Ah-vek...

Ay-vek? I don't f*cking know,

it's me name anyway, in't it.

Don't wear it out.

They're gonna test you

on that though, surely, like?

You don't even speak Estonian.

That's the beauty of it, Ashley,

nobody does speak Estonian.

So you just speak English

with an accent and voila,

they wave you through.

What the f*ck is going on?

I don't f*cking believe this.

What the f*ck are they? Aphids!

Aphids?

Aphids what's that?

These tiny little f*cking creatures.

Oh!

Oh Christ.

What was that about?

Maybe it's the creatures?

No power.

Fire up the genny.

What the hell

has happened to the mains?

Shall we call Vin?

No, no, no not today.

Don't bother him, he'll be

in a bad enough mood already.

Why what's going on today?

Black Wednesday.

The day he goes to visit his dad.

I know it's frightening

on the way down.

But when you get there,

it's quite nice.

Make you a cup of tea and that.

Now. Now. Now.

Hey now... What you doing?!

She's froze up now on the steps,

all frightened cos you lot,

have just walked in

like Velociraptors.

Both f*cking sides there.

Casj it up a bit.

Casj it up. Look normal.

f*ck sake. Now, sweetheart...

..it's safe.

You don't have to stay.

Cos you can...

Now she's gone now, look.

And that's you lot.

That's you lot,

with your very... starey eyes.

You're all eyes and chin you lot,

I'm telling yer.

Who is that though?

I'm surmising it's...

..Vinnie's new piece.

Seriously?

She just turned up

in your shed?

Like f*cking ET did

at Elliott's gaff?

Where's she from?

What the f*ck is wrong...

JJ I've told you a thousand-

I don't know. I have no idea

what's going on here..

She's one of them ain't she?

She's er...

..an illegal alien?

No way!

Not that type, Cardi.

What d'you reckon

the MacDonaghs want with her?

Christ I have no idea.

Well m-m-m-maybe

it was just a mix up.

Maybe they weren't hunting for her.

Who were they hunting then?

Mushrooms?

You don't hunt mushrooms.

You do though.

You don't hunt, you...

..scour. Listen,

nobody hunts mushrooms

that seriously, do they?!

Jesus look, we can't leave her

out here like this,

with nowhere to go and

the f*cking MacDonaghs after her.

We-We should call somebody.

Who?

I dunno, Ministry of Lost and Found.

They'd probably help her out.

The Ministry of lost and found?

He means Immigration. That'll make

it easier for MacDonagh to find her.

Yeah and that's where

they'll expect her to turn up.

The Ministry of Lost and Found?!

Just... look...

I- it's alright, it's OK, er...

I-I-I don't know what's going on...

I don't know what you've been through

but we just wanna help y'know?

And these lot here,

they're nothing to worry about.

You know, look at 'em.

Err yeah... Hi. How are you?

Er, Dylan. Dylan's my name.

Dyldo.

Vinnie.

I'm Vinnie. That's me...

Jihan?

Ah, Jihan.

She's Jihan?

Ji.. Ji..? You're Jihan?

Oh! Jihan!

How are ya?

Shhhh!

Jihan.

Cool, so shall we...

Do you wanna come and say hello.

Maybe from a... dist... Maybe from...

Hiya. How are you now?

My name is Ashley. Thank you.

Hi. Jihan. I'm Jehan as well.

But also JJ.

Thomas. Tommo. Enchante...

Yeah, Leslie Titt, how do you do?

And... I mean,

we've met before, Dylan. Done it.

You've already went, yeah.

Do you maybe wanna try come...

Why's that f*cking generator on?

Co- er, f*cking power's gone.

There's not a break in the cable.

It's still in place

up, over and across

to the flag shaggers' roof.

So, either their power's gone...

Yeah, or we've been made,

which is really... really bad.

Oh, top nonce approaching.

Top nonce approaching.

Mr Basingstoke! Nonce.

Go and find out what the nonce wants.

Hi. How's it going.

Nonce.

How is everything at the club?

Nonce. Nonce, he's a nonce... Nonce.

Oh f*ckers?

They've been shagging, this lot.

f*cking aphids.

How have they made their way in?

Right, I weren't gonna say it.

I weren't gonna say this, but...

..Ashley had crabs recently.

What the...? What's that

got to do with anything?

What do you mean?

It's obvious in't it.

There's a high possibility

they're not in fact aphids,

but they are pubicle lice

which have transgressed

from your pubic mound

onto the plant life.

Tell you what,

she bloody knows her way

around a weed grow, doesn't she?

Yeah lads, I was thinking

she might've been kept

in one of the MacDonaghs'

weed grows?

It's why she knows

so much about everything.

f*cking doing my head in.

Everything's broken, f*cked.

I need a spliff.

Is there any... f*cking weed.

Jihan. Can I get you something

to eat there by any chance?

Nothing. I just..

..just patted her on the back

a little bit there.

What you do that for?

I don't know...

it's to be, like, friendly, like.

For a sec.

Jihan. Love.

Hiya. Sorry, I just want

to apologise on behalf of everyone.

For Ashley and his f*cking stinking

great terrifying hands.

I feel your pain. Terrifying hands.

Shut up you.

Oi, Ashley come over here, love.

It's alright, she'll understand.

Sorry about that.

There you go. Come and have

a sit down. It's alright.

Oh my God, you're not

gonna believe this. Go on.

These grow lights have run

the flag shagger's electric bill up,

by eight f*cking grand. Eight grand?

What? Eight grand?

What you laughing at?

Funny!

It's not funny.

It is f*cking funny.

It's not f*cking funny

Dyldo, it isn't.

That was a lovely place

to steal leccy from.

That's f*cking gone now.

Ruined! Gone.

Has he f*cking made us

now then has he?

No not yet, he's, he's getting

the electric board round

this afternoon to investigate. We

should probably disconnect it, now.

sh*t! What? Why didn't you start

with that then? That is bad!

Do you know what I mean?!

What are we gonna do? f*ck sake.

Changes. ♪

Stop f*cking scratching.

Everyone talking about it...

Get up then!

Listen, erm,

f*cking hell,

I don't know what to do here.

But I've gotta go and see me dad,

and he's a pisshead. He's a...

He's an alcoholic.

And he's beyond repair.

He's just a horrid jock and he...

..puts me in a dark place.

I don't even know whether

you can understand what I'm saying.

I'll put radio on.

You'll be alright,

I'll be dead quick.

Quick.

Morning Vincent.

Now I got the impression you weren't

too pleased to see me last night.

No.

Just come round other side.

Did you find who you were

looking for t'other night?

Let's just say

it's an ongoing situation.

Yeah. Erm...

I mean f*cking hell. Would er...

Would it be anyone I know?

Would I recognise the guy or what?

'Guy'? Why do you say 'Guy'?

Just assuming it's a fella.

You seem very interested

in all of this, Vincent.

I am curious.

It's a curious... situation.

I was.... Yeah, I'm curious a bit.

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

Now are you absolutely sure,

that you didn't see anybody

up round your way, last night?

I didn't see anyone. I didn't see...

If I'd have s-saw...

I didn't see anyone. I didn't...

If I'd have seen someone, I'd have

told you, but I didn't... What Barry?

I didn't see anyone, so just.

Come on then. Vincent...

..be good.

f*ck!

It's OK. It's alright.

Change of plan.

You're coming in with me.

Expect the worst I guess.

Dad? Da-

Dad? Bloody hell.

It's bloody freezing.

Where's remote? Oi!

Up!

Wake up will you. Hey! Come on!

Dad?

Shush! Shush! Shush!

It's alright. It's just me.

Where's your bloody remote gone dude?

Here you are. Let's turn it off.

Right you.

Let's sit you up a little bit.

Come on then.

Right.

What you doing?

Oh yeah, of course.

Alright.

Just a bit now Dad.

No, no, no, no, no!

Come on now,

that's a bit too much, innit.

f*cking hell.

Better.

Alright,

now then,

bloody hold still you still you.

There we go.

Bloody hell, he's handsome.

How's that lad of yours?

Tyler?

Yeah, Tyler. How's he doing?

He's doing really well, yeah.

f*ck me, I love that boy.

Careful with that, you.

He's doing amazing.

Yeah, he's doing really well.

He got bloody bullied, actually,

not long ago.

Yeah. W-W-What happened?

Just these f*cking kids.

Erin sorted it out.

Then told me

she'd done it afterwards.

It's different now, you know.

Not like when I were a kid.

You sent me round

to that f*cking Sammy's house,

what's is name?

Sammy, Sammy f*cking Cadwal...

Sammy Cadwallender..

Cadwallender.

He deserved it, I tell you,

a f*cking sock full of batteries.

Worked though, didn't it?

It f*cking did, yeah.

Look at this, Dad. Look at this.

Look, at all that floor.

Jesus Christ! Didn't know you had it.

You had a bloody hoover

the entire time.

Go and have a sit now.

Have a sit down. Go on.

Go on. Sit, sit, sit.

There's a good man.

Honestly, amazing.

She's done a good job,

hasn't she, Jihan, Dad?

Gonna lie down for a bit?

Yeah, have a sleep.

Strange days like this...

When he's...

..clear and asking questions,

you know.

Makes me think he's alright.

You know, there's a chance.

And it's all so f*cking inevitable.

I don't come enough.

I don't like visiting.

It's heartbreaking to see.

He's too far gone.

I imagine a world.

Where I dry him out,

and he's normal again.

There's only one way

it'll end, you know.

I'm frightened

of coming through the door.

I don't want to find him

dead in his house.

It's not my fault.

It's the nature of the disease.

They always find a way to get

their hands on it. Dude, You...

I can't believe

you can't see it from my end.

He's f*cking

drinking himself to death!

He is! You're doing that.

He's a f*cking alcoholic.

Come on man, just say no to him.

It's better he's gets it from me

than drinking turps isn't it?

f*cking hell dude, I just feel like,

coming back here and rubbing...

..cat litter

into your shitty little eyes.

Fuckwit.

Alright, love?

Words. You just said words.

Ni dari negeri ku.

De koo... what? what?

What is this? What's this?

Is it from home? Is it a home thing?

What am I looking at.

There... This?

Malsia? Malsia?

Malaysia.

Malaysia. Oh!

You're Malaysian.

You're a Malaysian lady.

Fantastic. Shall we get it.

Let's get it!

f*cking steal this damn thing.

Yeah. f*ck this guy.

f*ck you dude. We're taking this.

Gotta be done, Ashley. Alright.

If the electric board sees that,

the whole grow gets busted.

They've shut the power off, so

there's nothing running through it.

I'll just get up here

and just snip it, yeah?

Yes. Yes.

That's exactly what you'll do.

Oh God. It's awful high, Tommo

sorry, this is basically space.

Snip it! Snip it! Snip it!

No. No. I can't do it.

With your great big, terrifying,

Prince Charles sausage finger hands.

He does have proper...

So simple, and so safe,

why don't you get up here and do it?

Clearly, we need someone

to stand here and supervise Cardi

holding the ladder?

You've got to have somebody

supervise Cardi, holding the lad-

Holding the ladder. Why don't I

supervise Cardi holding the ladder?

You can get up here

and snip the wire.

No point getting emotional

about it sweetheart. f*cking hell.

Come on then, get down.

Fine! I'm coming down, Cardi.

I know.

It's safe!

You can jump higher than this man.

Jesus.

You're on the ground.

Here you go. You alright!

Jesus f*cking Christ alive.

Get up there...

Oh no, no, no.

Swear to God, Ashley, you know,

for a big lad

you can be a right

f*cking mard-arse-

Aargh...!

Oh... f*cking hell!

Tommy are you alright?

Ooh... Tom. Tom are yer..

You mustn't touch him Cardi.

Why not?

He's just been electrocuted.

B-Big bang. Tom, how many eyebrows

do you normally have? Huh?

He's lost an eyebrow.

I've been mutilated!

Hey, oh er, lads? What?

Be careful there might still be

a small charge running through

from the genny.

Malaysia!

What?

Malaysia! She's from Malay-

Look at the size of these leeks.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

She's from Malaysia

we've got some stuff.

We're gonna have a sit-down meal.

Tommo, stop f*cking around.

He f*cking, went right-

hit the deck, didn't he.

I'm proper handsome as well so...

Have you done it?

Yeah we cut the wire like...

Hard Work. ♪

♪ Hard work.

I found that, I don't know

if that's useful to you.

I'll put it there in case it is.

Ooh hang on! Hang on.

Also pineapple.

What's going on with that eyebrow?

Hm?

It's alright in't it, yeah?

I might stick with it you know.

It's quizzicle in't it?

Oh my God.

Oh my God! The, the, the ladybirds

eat the aphids!

Eh?

The ladybirds eat the aphids.

Holy f*ck me! That's very, sexual.

♪ It's very, very sexual.

It's very, very sexual.

♪ Very, very sexual. ♪

Y- W- Yeah very true. Very true.

What's she's saying, Tommo?

Sh, sh, sh... Go on. Go on.

She says that you just-

you need to just f*cking

water the plants mate.

Water the plants, dude. Honestly!

Just like this yeah.

I know, listen, I keep trying

to tell him that. What was that one?

Just very disappointed

in you as a man.

Yeah. And your hands

are f*cking terrifying.

Just bizarre. You're bizarre

and you're abnormally huge

and if anything

you should just get put down.

Oh...

Ashley! Get Jihan dude.

Check this out.

Sorry mate.

Come. Sorry.

Your very own granny flat.

Ta-f*cking-da.

Ta-da!

Smiling!

Oh yeah.

She's bloody smiling!

Holy sh*t...

Something smells good.

Entree...

What's with the slug mate?

I know she looks a bit... scared.

But she's f*cking lovely, honestly.

She does seem nice. Look at these,

she's bloody brilliant with plants.

She's been cooking and cleaning all

kinds of sh*t.

Come here and have a look at this.

Have a go on that. How good is this?

What is it?

It's like Aladdin's cave.

It's a little granny flat

for her to come and just chill out.

She can have a bit of privacy,

on her own, do you know what I mean?

How long are you thinking

she's gonna be staying for?

I don't know. I mean, f*cking hell

she can stay as long as she wants.

You know, she can leave

whenever she wants.

Just don't want her to feel

like there's any bloody pressure.

Mm-hm...

You know. Yeah.

I mean she's happy.

And the lads are happy, that she's-

I'm happy that she's happy...

Right well go on then.

Look.

I love the fact that you want

to help her right,

it's typical of you

but she ain't appeared

from nowhere, Vin.

Right, she's probably been

in a weed grow,

against her will,

and she's had to escape.

Hmm.

Yeah?

And think about it, I'm just...

You're suggesting

that she stays here with you,

in your weed grow,

cooking for you, looking after it?

Just sounds terrible.

Just sounds really bad.

It does yeah.

Now you've said it like that. Mm.

Little list.

Lads, come and have a look

at what I've got.

- Oh, f*cking check it out!

- f*cking hell, that is huge.

How's he got a bus?

School bus.

Get in you pig.

Look at all this f*cking...

Ding ding...

f*cking sweet dude.

Right lads. OK.

This is 94 batteries

all hooked up together, yeah,

making it a fully mobile

and rechargeable Gigafactory

which means,

when this bad boy's charged up yeah,

gonna have enough energy in it

to power them grow lights

for a week at a time. So..

..all we need to do is take this bus

where the f*ck we want,

charge it up, and f*ck off.

f*cking amazing.

Fair play JJ. 94 batteries

and the whole things safe.

That tss-ed me there...

It's f*cking come off?

Oh yeah man...

Other one. Other one.

Aaahh!

Edible, innit? This is amazing.

Amazing.

That stuff there.... Yeah.

Who's that now?

I'll go.

Hello sunshine.

We're here to see Vincent.

Well something smells good.

Hey up, Davey? Barry?

Where is he?

He... He's not here, no.

No?

He's not here then, Dylan?

No, he's not, he's not here...

Alright Barry? Want a prawn cr*cker?

What is this?

That... is- Yeah,

yeah just summat I knocked up,

in't it.

Yeah, help yourself.

You knocked this up?

Mm. Mmm.

Yup.

You do this as well?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's er, summat

I've always being in to.

You know Kn*fe work.

I'm like a samurai with a parsnip.

It's very creative.

Didn't have you down

as the artistic type.

You have now.

Right in me curry.

So where did you say Vincent went?

Go karting. To see his dad.

Gone to take his Dad go karting.

They're enthusiasts.

Yeah, they are...

Bit of father-son bonding in't it?

I'll phone him.

No I wouldn't do that man,

he's, he's busy.

He probably wouldn't hear you

on account of the go kart.

- Too much noise there.

- f*ck.

Shhhhhh.

Sit down sweetheart. I'll find it.

He's left his jacket and his phone.

He'll feel the cold

out there tonight

doing all that go karting, won't he?

He has a suit on him.

Go kart suit on him.

Evel Knievel

You tell Vincent

I'll catch him tomorrow. Will do...

Disappointed in you, Dylan.

Cheers lads, so much,

for coming, seriously.

Vin, we're grand.

f*cking hell

They've gone.

Thanks man.

Who's this?

Your boy?

Is this your boy?

Ah Long.

Ah Long?

He's...

..handsome.

And nice smile.

Oh, er... here.

My Mum.

She was like you,

cooking...

and when I was little we er....

We used to dance

in the kitchen together,

being silly.

Here. It's OK.

It's OK.

Come on. It's OK.

Vin.

Mmm?

Alright?

It's not safe for her, here.

No. It's not.

Morning,

I know this might be a long sh*t,

but I was hoping maybe

you could help me with something?

Yeah? OK.

Guess what?

This tall. Maybe a little bit

taller than me yeah.

He's got a receding hairline.

That's, that's gone, yeah?

Tattoos, oh, he had something

in his teeth as well like a...

Why you all rigid?

It's alright.

Loosen up it's fine.

It's OK, look.

You alright man, yeah?

Yeah. Just err..

..got a bit

of that chilli in my eye.

Nah, come on.

Are you OK?

I haven't a f*cking clue

what you just said.

- Watch out. Watch out.

- Careful now, Cardi.

- You've had a lot to drink there.

- Get the door Shug.

♪ ANTI!L!FE: Narcissist. ♪

♪ I've got lots of people

blowing up my phone

♪ but it doesn't change the fact

that I'm all alone.

♪ Baby, I'm a narcissist. ♪

♪ Or maybe I'm surrounded by sh*t. ♪

What's going on here?

Sit the f*ck down!

Yeah, sitting down. Sit down.

Sitting down. f*ck me.

We're sitting. f*cking hell.

What the f*ck

is going on, here, man?

You don't want to do things

the easy way, Vincent,

we'll do them the hard way.

Where is she?

Where is who? Dude I...

You're upsetting me.

I don't want to upset you man.

You really don't.

Go get her.

f*ck me...

Davey?

Do you mind?

What the hell are you doing?

Solid Ground. ♪

♪ How does it feel

♪ when it's quiet and calm?

♪ And will I be denied?

♪ How will it feel

♪ when it's time to move on?

♪ Mother says kneel and pray.

♪ When it gets hard

♪ I will roll those sleeves.

♪ Life can be so unkind.

♪ Ooh!

♪ Would you help me?

♪ I don't understand.

♪ Is it over?

♪ Am I losing solid ground?

♪ Solid ground.

♪ Solid ground. ♪

You're the man who sells the weed

and we're the growers.

So tell me

where the MacDonagh's fit in.

You f*cking bastard!

Davey has some, er,

photography of me.

You get those items back

and that cut

those bastards off forever.

I'll f*cking k*ll 'em...

Here's to calmer times.

♪ ..my phone, but it doesn't change

♪ the fact that I'm all alone.

♪ Baby, I'm a narcissist.