03x07 - Librarian

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

- Hello.
- Hello.

Check you out.
That's the energy of a woman

who just found out
she's pregnant or not pregnant.

No, I'm relieved.

When you're over 50,
relief looks like joy.

I put that spare bedroom up for rent.

Think I already found a tenant.

I just wish you didn't have to do this.

Ah, you do what you got to do.
I could use the extra money

since I'm paying full price
at the vending machine again.

Plus, I made that terrible
financial decision

all those years ago.

- Getting divorced?
- Betting on the Sixers?

- I became a teacher.
- Ahh.

Girl, at least try a passive-income
side hustle before a roommate.

I got a chat bot writing eulogies

for nine people as we speak.

BARBARA: I just don't
feel good about you

giving out your address
to strangers online.

It's not safe.

[GASPS] What if they k*ll you?

I'm gonna be fine. Okay?

I used a fake name and a phony address,

and my listing just said
"cozy guest suite with a view,"

which is Craigslist speak
for "it's cramped."

And I e-mailed with this
very nice nerd named Lester

with great credit
and even better grammar.

I got a good feeling about this.

Guys, guys, I think my search

for a new place to live is over.

After some not so ideal meetups

where I learned to stop
using my real name

or list "great hugger"
in the About Me section...

- I told you.
- I have found

the perfect cozy
guest suite with a view.

Lester?

Mildred?

[AVA LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

BARBARA: You and Jacob
living together is...

I know it's God's will,

but he's gotten awfully creative.

Okay. You wanted me to pick
the hairless cat breeder

who doesn't believe in deodorant?

Wait, is it the woman that's hairless
or the cats are hairless?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Maybe you could just keep looking.

Everywhere else is either
twice my budget

or a 3-hour commute.

I mean, three hours isn't forever.

[KNOCKS ON DESK]

Hear ye, hear ye.

Um, so I've gathered you
all here today to tell you

about a very special pilot program

I think you're gonna be excited about.

I already did a pilot program
in the '70s,

but I can't tell you where I flew

or what was on the plane.

Okay, well, this is a pilot program

to bring librarians into schools,

and we're starting with Abbott.

I got the idea to bring
in local grad students

in library sciences.

They get to check off
their experience requirements,

and we get a real librarian.
Everybody wins.

Especially me, which this isn't about.

Abbott's the perfect school
for this trial,

with its many distinguished teachers

and its zero librarians.

Yes.

So I'd like to introduce you all
to the very cool

Ms. Rosalyn Inez, your new librarian.

Thank you, thank you. This has...

This has been a dream of mine for years.

It's actually why I went back to school.

Just excited to put
this program to work.

Another grown woman of substance.

Mm-hmm.

And the kids are gonna love that hat.

You could hide an Easter ham
under that hat.

I'm just looking forward
to getting to know

each and every one of you.

We'll be using the feedback
that we get from you all

to determine if the district

should implement the program
all over the city.

Which they will. So yay!

Alright, so before Ms. Inez digs in,

does anyone have any questions?

Yeah. Did you know that Jacob
is moving in with Melissa?

That's crazy. Right?

Oh, sorry. That's two questions. My bad.

[DOOR OPENS] Oh, you need help?

Uh, no. Thank you.
This is... This is the last of them.

[WHISPERS] I know.

[NORMAL VOICE] So that looks heavy, huh?

Brutally. [GRUNTS]

Listen, I made puttanesca,

but I only know how to cook for 12,

so if you want some,
I'll make you a plate.

But let me know
in the next five minutes,

because my show's coming on.

Oh, um..."Real Housewives of New Jersey"

is also on in five,

and I-I simply must watch it live.

Okay, that's my show.

- No.
- Yes.

- Stop.
- I will not.

It's... It's a masterpiece.

I have got to know who called
the feds on Teresa.

[LAUGHS] The hubris alone.

And what's up with Marge?

Always changing up her story.

Because she is sneaky.

As hell.

Before you know it,
you're in a relationship

with someone
who is just like your parents.

Gary was a dead-ringer for my dad.

And Zach was basically my mom.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I love sour cream and onion.

It's so salty and playful.

BOTH: Like Marge Sr.

Okay, you already relabeled
the social sciences?

I thought you would use
the abridged DDC,

but this classification
is just so thorough.

- Janine, have you seen this yet?
- Yes, yes.

I actually have
my very first library card.

Wo...

I got the librarian
from my local branch to sign it.

Oh, wow.

You are very passionate about libraries.

I just love how organized everything is.

Last week, it took me two hours

to find a book on time management.

ROSALYN: Well, things are gonna be

much easier for you to find now.

- Excuse me for a second.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, I could just
check those out for you.

Oh, no need,
I'm just grabbing some books

for my children's reading hour,

and I'm on my way.

Well, let me make it easy for you.

It is why I'm here.

You come to me, I check out the books,

you return the books, I put...

I'm familiar with
how libraries work. Thank you.

Of course. Mm.

[SCANNER BEEPS] Ooh.

Looks like this one's
already been reserved,

but I can put your name in
to get it next.

Okay, sure. I'll just take those.

And you're sure
that "Penny Goes to Potty"

has been reserved?

Because, I mean,
each time I come in here

and take it out seamlessly,
my students love it.

[SCANNER BEEPS]

Ooh, and, uh, this one is
a reference book.

That stays in the library.

Aw, Barbara has wanted this for so long.

Look how happy she is.

- And don't forget these.
- Oh.

We're really trying to stick

to a checkout limit of three books.

Fine.

Our new librarian is very organized.

Yeah. I don't like it. I'll handle it.

You think you're the queen
of the school?

Uh...

"Slaughterhouse-Five"?

I started reading this last month,

but it disappeared before I could

get to the part about slaughterhouses.

Well, I checked the previous system,

which was just a sign-out sheet
on a napkin,

and asked the student to bring it back,

which they did.

You're like a bounty hunter for books.

[SIGHS]

What is that boy wearing?

Ooh, I got a good one.

Hey, Jacob, where'd you get
that shirt from?

Yeah, it looks good on him,
right? See? Told ya.

Can you believe I was nervous
to wear it to school today

until Melissa pumped me up at breakfast?

Hey, Mr. Johnson,
where'd you get those shoes?

Crappos? [LAUGHING]

[CRYING]

Now is the time for us to explore

and find something
that piques our imaginations.

Oh, and don't forget
there's a 3-book limit.

- Uh, hey, Mrs. Howard.
- Hello.

Uh, did you get the e-mail with the link

to schedule a time to use the library?

Oh, I've been doing this a long time.

Um, the seventh-grade class
has scheduled time

to work on a research project,

and having multiple classes in here

is just distracting, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry.

Are you asking my students,

my scholars of words and letters,

to leave the library?

I would be happy to help you
schedule a time for your class

to have full use of the library,

and please feel no shame
in letting me know

if you need my help
using the Google Doc.

Oh, I know what a Google doctor is.

Uh...

So the librarian program
is going well, right?

It's great.
Ms. Inez has been setting aside books

that align with my class's curriculum.

I mean, I've never seen the kids
so excited about reading.

I knew this was a good idea.

It's like a librarian for the library.

- Duh. You know?
- Exactly.

Oh, hey, Barbara,
how great is the library now?

A captain for the ship.

Oh, it's just great, Janine,

as you can see by these
tiny little disappointed faces

that were not allowed to check
books out of the library.

Um... Oh, my God, I'm... I'm so sorry.

Uh, why weren't they allowed
to check out books?

Because the library is booked out

like some new hip restaurant
with a hostess

that has no respect for the patrons

that came before
they started charging $25

to set your drink on fire.

Now, I think it's obvious
that there needs to be

some changes to this library program.

Oh, I would hate to leave bad feedback.

Hey, Barbara. I just wanted to check in

because you seemed a little upset.

Perturbed.

Well, if there's anything
I can do to improve

the librarian program,
I would love to know.

It is adding a level of difficulty that,

if anything, is stifling

my students' interest in books.

Okay. Um...

Alright. That is feedback
I can work with.

Your word holds a ton of weight with me.

Thank you, Janine.

No. Thank you. You know,

I'm gonna make this work
for the woman who molded me.

I was a lump of clay
on one of those, um...

the things that the clay...
that the clay spins on...

- the clay-spinning...
- The pottery wheel.

A pottery wheel. See? Still molding.

I'm going to get back
to work and figure out

how to make it better for the littles.

Howdy, cowboy.

Oh! That is so satisfying.

Oh, my gosh,
there's just something about

building a tiny scene.

I want to live in this Parisian café.

Hey, you want me to pack up
the rest of the ziti

for you to take for lunch tomorrow?

Uh, I think I should
pick up lunch tomorrow.

Jacob, if you don't
like my ziti, just say so,

and I will heave myself out that window.

No, no, it's just that...
Did you see what happened today

with Mr. Johnson when he cried?

I think our friendship
is throwing off the dynamics.

Today I ate out of a Tupperware
that had your name on it.

And Mr. Johnson thought
I was stealing your food,

so he decided it was a free-for-all
and ate Barbara's lunch.

And then Barbara was so cranky

that she drank the last cup of coffee

without making a new pot,
and Gregory was then so tired

that he left the hose on in the garden.

And then that's why the kids tracked
all the mud into my classroom.

And I went to find Mr. Johnson.

But he was still crying,
so I had to clean it up myself.

See? It's... It's... It's chaos.

I think we should just
pretend like nothing

- has changed between us.
- Oh, yeah.

We gotta keep our friendship a secret

because I cannot be mopping every day.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a sacrifice for the greater good.

It also protects what we have.

And now what we have...

book nook number two.

Or could be my panty liners,

but, hey, let's find out together.

[GASPS] And it is...

la Notre-Dame de Paris.

Merci, Amazon Prime.

"The wolf hadn't eaten all day."

JANINE: Barbara's feedback is a gift.

I mean, without it,

I wouldn't have known
to update the program.

Her wisdom gave me the idea
to cater part of the program

specifically to getting
pre-readers excited about books.

"So I'll huff and I'll puff.

And I'll bl-l-l-l-ow your house down."

[LAUGHTER]

What do you think?
It's pretty cool, huh?

I think she's getting them
a little bit too excited.

Nap time is in an hour.

The kindergarten day
is a delicate balance

that can be easily upset.

"He couldn't puff anymore."

Now it's your turn.

CHILDREN: And I'll huff and I'll puff

and I'll blow your house down!

Oh, no, it's too much! It's too much!

I'll say.

Mrs. Howard, I blew down the house.

Mrs. Howard, how come
you don't read this good?

I can do voices.

I am very adept at many amusing sounds.

Watch.

[SNORTING] I am a pig.

[HOWLS] I am a wolf.

And I am a librarian who thinks

that I can just change
everything around here.

Shh.

Ah, I think, uh...

I think I'll sit over here.

Well, in that case, I will sit
over here away from there.

Yeah. Guess that's just
how it is between her and I.

Hey, anybody seen the pencil grips?

[LAUGHING]

Hello?

[SNICKERING]

Cool. Cool, cool.

I don't know what's going on
with these two, but I don't like it.

"Roommates be like..." heart emojis.

You texting Jacob?

What? No. Mind your own business.

It's not what you think.

You're sharing memes.

I share memes with a lot of people.

Yeah, that's common practice
between co-workers.

Two people texting each other
LOLs in the same room.

- You two are friends.
- Please don't tell anyone.

We're not ready for people to know.

Alright, but this is
a dangerous game you're playing.

Alright, students, it's story time.

Can we go to the library?

No, sweetheart,
it's not our scheduled time.

CHILDREN: Aww.

We like when Ms. Inez does the voices.

Oh.

Isn't this amazing? Look at this.

Not only has it increased
use of the library,

I mean, it's made everything
way more targeted.

And look.

Mr. Johnson donated
his old baseball cards

so the kids could use them as bookmarks.

Wait, is this Mr. Johnson?

Did he play in the n*gro Leagues?

[GASPS] Watch your mouth.



I was flipping so fast, I had to buy one
of those little finger condoms

off the cashier at the corner store.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Mrs. Howard and class... again.

Hi, kids.

Uh, Mrs. Howard, I don't
have you all on the schedule,

but I have a feeling it's because

you didn't fill out
the online reservation form.

I most certainly did not.

Yet here we are in the library

without a major disaster.

It's almost as if
it didn't matter at all.

You know what? I can handle it.

Yeah, yeah. I'll talk to her. Yeah.

♪ Mrs. Howard ♪

Um, can I ask why you didn't
fill out the form?

Janine, this is a slow waltz to nowhere.

There are a million
different improvements

that this school could use.

Why not focus on one of those
that could really help?

Because, sweetheart, this ain't it.

Is everything okay?

Everything is fine, Manny.

I appreciate what you all do.

This program is more of a distraction

than an improvement.

Come along, students, let's go.

Hmm.

Bye.

You know what? She just needs time.

Barbara will come around.
We should just move forward.

Well, if that's how she feels,
there is no moving forward.

- What?
- Janine, we have to care

about what teachers say.

Especially ones with
as much seniority as Barbara.

That was our mission statement
when we came to the district.

We listened to teachers.
We don't ignore them.

That's what makes us different.

Yes, I know, but this works.

I mean, doesn't it? Look.

If Barbara says it doesn't work,
then that's gonna go

a long way with Superintendent Reynolds.

And he's always looking
for a reason to say no.

You okay?
Look like Raven having a vision.

I'm shutting down the program.

It isn't working for everyone.

Okay. Um...

who's everyone?

Well, it hasn't been successful

with the early primary grades.

Me and Melissa's classes love it.

Barbara said it was a failure.

That's because she can't just
do whatever she wants anymore.

She's throwing a tantrum.

Okay, but it's Barbara.

Doesn't mean she's always right.

Jacob did say all of his students

turned in their reports on time

and scored in the 80th
to 90th percentile.

That's because the program is good.

Having a librarian in a library is good.

Barbara is saying it's bad.

- She is wrong.
- Huh.

She's just taking advantage
of your relationship.

She wouldn't do that.

I don't think
she's doing it intentionally.

But you may have to step outside

of how Barbara
is making Janine feel here

and just look at the big picture.

- Big picture is it works...
- Mm-hmm.

But it doesn't matter
because Barbara's feedback

is just gonna t*nk the thing.

And I can't even confront her

because she might not
talk to me ever again.

Well, maybe that's a risk
you're just gonna have to take.

Just books, good,

librarians and librarians...

- I got it, I get...
- Okay, alright.

What you're saying.

- Isn't that terrible?
- Says to the first muffin,

"Holy smokes, a talking muffin."

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

Oh, she was laughing at something else.

She... She heard a really
funny joke earlier,

and my joke wasn't even funny.

It was... It was offensive. Shame on me.

Oh, hell yeah. Coupon
for two-for-one at Rita's.

We should go after school, Ja...

Ohnson. Uh, what do you think?

Oh, I'd love to.

It's been a rough week.
I can use the pick-me-up.

Okay. Hang on. You know what?

I'm sick of pretending
to be somebody that I'm not.

I meant to invite Jacob
because we're friends,

so you can just deal with it.
Because I like this man.

And I like this woman, I do. I like you.

We like each other.

Oh, man, I feel so free

and so, like, relieved.

Yeah. So after school today,

I'm gonna go get
some passion fruit water ice

with Jacob.

Why do you get your hopes up
when it always ends in heartbreak?

Alright, go ahead. Get it out.

Get what out?

Glad your roommate
situation is working out.

The only white-on-white friendship
I'm invested in is Ben and Jerry's.

Huh.

I guess the Abbott ecosystem
is stronger than we thought.

Your office hour isn't
scheduled until next week.

Also, it's for current teachers.

- Yeah, that's not why I'm here.
- Hmm.

Um, you said the librarian
program isn't working.

That's right.

And to be clear, what exactly
isn't working about it?

It favors the older students

and is ineffective
with the primary classes.

Janine, it upsets the rhythm
of my classroom.

Sure, but it's working
because it's working

for Gregory's class,

and it's working
for Melissa's class, too.

And your kids seem to love it,

so it just isn't working for you.

And I accept that, but...

this program isn't about you.

This is terrifying and will
haunt my dreams and nightmares

for the next seven years,
but... you're wrong

and I am moving forward
with the program,

so leave whatever feedback
you need to leave.

That I will do.

I value Barbara's opinion
so much that I forgot

that hers isn't
the only opinion that matters.

Couldn't see the forest
for the trees, as they say,

which I never fully understood
that expression,

because if I'm in the forest,
then all I'm seeing are trees.

All the reviews for
the program have been great.

Uh-huh.

But I see that you haven't
opened Barbara's review yet.

Subject line,

"Unvarnished thoughts
on a rather ambitious program."

Oh, woof. Okay.

You want me to just read it?

You gotta get it out of the way.

You know what?

I'm gonna fight for this program
no matter what.

So, sure.

Just let me look away.

Yeah, you're gonna have
to read this one yourself.

Okay.

"I wish I could say that this program

has been a positive addition
to Abbott Elementary."

[SIGHS]

"But that would be... insufficient

because this program will,

if supported with the care
it has been initiated with,

have a positive impact
on countless students

far beyond the walls of this school."

Keep reading.

"No one would accept
the hare's challenge.

And then a lone voice rose up.

'I'll race you!' said the tortoise."

[LAUGHTER]

Mrs. Howard, would you join us, please?

Yay!

Is this necessary?

Whoa, Ms. Inez with the olive branch.

Yeah. Hopefully Barbara
don't hit her with it.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT]
"'You?' said the hare snickering.

Heh, heh. Now, that's a fine joke.

I will..."

Why did she choose to make
all the characters Jamaican?

Just let her cook, Gregory.

"'...line! Shall we race?'"

[LAUGHTER]