06x03 - Doug's Chubby Buddy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
have you ever had trouble

finding out the truth about something?

Ever since Skeeter started having trouble
finding the Lucky Duck Monster,

he turned to the one source
for accurate monster news.

Well, let's see.
"Boy with a piano for a brain.

President secretly marries hamster.

Pro wrestling suspected hoax."

[sighs] Oh, man,
not one thing about monsters.

If you can't learn about monsters
from the Weekly Weird World, what's left?

The Weekly Weird World is
fallacious foolishness of the worst kind.

Ugh! Throw it away.

Cadmium.

[panting, whines]

-Protactinium.
-[barking]

Well, I kind of wanted to read
about Briar Langolier, but, uh--

The new star of Teen Heart Street?

Oh! She is the model
of true female beauty.

[both] Pardon. [gasps]

What, Diesel?

-[giggles]
-It's Mosquito.

Hey, you dropped your plutonium.

Can I hang out with you guys for a while?

Beebe won't do anything
while Teen Heart Street is on.

It's like she thinks
everything stops at four o' clock.

Four o' clock? Uh-oh.

Don't tell me you guys watch that junk.

[both laughing] Yes.

Oh, will you look at the time? Hurry!

[barking]

I can't believe
they really like that show.

Ah, I know.

And I hear the stories
are totally bizarre.

Like, I hear there's this
school election coming up, right?

And Franklin Most,
he's, like, this campaign manager.

He threatened to keep eating lima beans
until Briar gets elected,

and, uh... Maybe we could
stand over near the window?

Doug, do you want to go watch the show?

-[giggles]
-Oh, go ahead. I don't mind.

Give me strength.

[whistling]

That's me.

Is it true, Briar, that if elected,

you'd put the body back
in student body president? [chuckles]

[giggles] I just want
to make people happy.

[both] Aw.

So, what makes you think
you could possibly win, Trudy?

[both booing]

Go back to Briar.

Well, I have all four years experience
in the student council,

and I'm a member of
the National Junior Merit

-Scholarship Fund for the Gifted.
-Sure, sure.

And I can see you're handy
with a Kn*fe and fork, too.

[boy] Votes are in. Briar wins. [chuckles]

[Beebe] That was the best episode yet,

even though I missed a line
when somebody barged in

right in the middle of the show.

[TV announcer] Stay tuned for a commercial
that looks like a documentary.

[man 1] Fat, what good is it anyway?

[man 2] Holy cow! That one's out of here.

[man 1] Fat protects organs from injury...

Huh?

...keeps you warm,

but to most of us, it's just ugly old fat.

[all gasp]

Hi, I'm Lardie the fat cell.

I've been inside you for years,

just waiting to push my way out.

The human body primarily forms
fat cells like me

once during infancy and again at puberty,

around age 13.

Hey, he's talking about us.
That means--

We're growing fat cells right now
that we'll have for the rest of our lives.

-Hi, Lardie.
-Hello.

It's a sad fact of life

that none of you will ever have
a nine-inch waist,

but now you can try using
my Waist Away Diet Kit.

[man 1] Remember,
your friends will never tell you

when you're fat.

Oh, my gosh.
Can you believe how fat she is?

See, it's just some dumb product
they're selling.

They have to make you think you're fat.

You are so not living
in this world, Patti Mayonnaisse.

If you don't watch it,
one day you'll look in the mirror,

and instead of Patti, you'll see fatty.

[indistinct chatter]

The best part was when
Briar dumped the school constitution

and declared herself head cheerleader

and beneficent dictator.
Now, that's a woman.

The Weekly Weird World says
Bigfoot sends her fan mail every week.

[Roger] Give me that.

I guess if a monster was going to
fall for a girl, it'd be Briar.

Doug, whoa, that's it!

I know how we can catch
the Lucky Duck Monster,

get a female monster to draw him out.

Yeah, Skeeter. [stutters]
Where do we find a female monster?

Well, we... Uh... Oh, yeah. Problem.

Hey, Patti. [stuttering]
Rabbit food? Look at that.

Putting on a few lbs, huh?

I didn't pick a salad
because I'm on a diet, Guy.

Oh, I'm with you all the way, Patti.

Trim down, firm up, break it.

-[gasps]
-First, we need Lucky Duck Monster DNA.

Suspended in a solution of equal parts
muck, sludge, and slime.

Then we zap

Wait, Skeeter. Maybe we're meddling

in things we humans
were meant to leave alone.

Hmm. Well, we could just build
a fake monster out of junk.

Good idea. Hey, Patti.

Doug, do you think I need to lose weight?

-Oh, yeah, you're huge.
-[both laughing]

All right, listen up.

As you know,

today begins track team tryouts.

I want a lean, mean team.

No whiners, no slowpokes,

and no one who stops
to help a teammate who fell over.

Lean and mean.

On your mark, get set...

[Beebe] One day, you'll look in the mirror
and instead of Patti, you'll see fatty.

Go!

[panting]

[crowd cheering]

Go, Patti!

Do you think Patti is getting
a little chunky?

She's huge!

You can do it, fatty! I mean, Patti!

We're her friends,
so we can never tell her

she's a huge blubbery sack of fat.

[grunting]

Have you ever seen
anything so fat in your life?

No, Briar. It's both sad and horrifying.

Run, Patti!

[panting]

You can run,
but you'll never look like me, Patti!

Oh. [screaming]

[Patti panting]

Close call, Mayonnaise.

You just qualified
for the next set of heats.

-I need to go on a diet now.
-[Beebe straining]

I really should
lose some weight, too. I'm in.

[Beebe grunts]

If fat cells think they're getting
a free ride on Beebe Bluff,

they are sadly mistaken.

I'm not going to let this fat lick me.

As you all are my witness,
I'll never be heavy again.

I hereby declare this lunch meeting
free of fat.

Whole wheat crackers, broiled chicken,
carrot, bottle of water.

I bought the Waist Away Diet Kit.

That Briar Langolier thing?

Well, she's a lame actress,
but she is in good shape.

Wow. This sandwich is a tad weighty.

Daddy bought me my own
computerized calorie analyzer.

[automated voice] Good afternoon, Beebe.
Your delicious lunch

equals a mere 10%
of your daily calorie allotment,

and that outfit you're wearing, stunning.

[dings]

I can't find
one female monster in here, man.

I guess there never were
any great female monsters.

I thought that flying bat-dog
in Beast Destroyer was female.

Yeah, but she wasn't a monster.

She was a giant fire-breathing,
city-crushing bat-dog

protecting her children
from big city developers.

Doug, giant,
fire-breathing, city-crushing.

How's that not a monster?

She wasn't misunderstood.

Real monsters are misunderstood.

Oh, I guess you're right, man.

Maybe we can take
one of the monsters in here

and make it look female.

[both] Ugh.

[panting]

[watch beeping]

Thirty minutes equals...
[gasps] 250 calories.

[humming]

[grunting]

[automated voice] This meal
accounts for a tiny little 8%

of your daily calorie allotment,

and your hair, gorgeous.

Hey, you all!

[straining] 234, 235.

[automated voice]
This meal accounts for a paltry 5%

of your daily calorie allotment,

and those shoes!

[panting]

All right, 500 calories!

That's my best so far.

All right, yes! Whoo!

Mmm-hmm.

This diet is the best thing
I've ever done.

It's the Tri-Global Track and Field event,
sponsored by Waist Away,

the diet that makes you feel
like a million,

pounds lighter, that is.

It's the first event,
the 400-calorie dash.

On your mark, get set...

[giggling]

[laughing]

[announcer] Wait. There's two
unannounced globs of fat on the field.

Fat! Patti, look out!

-Oh, no, blubber!
-Help, I'm fat!

[crowd cheering]

I present you
with this gold-plated sandwich,

a happy reminder of when you used to eat.

-[girl 1] Oh, that's so cool.
-[girl 2] You're our hero.

Doug, hold her claw for a second.

No, that's her fin.

I thought that was her fin.

No, that's her dorsal blowhole flap.

Then what's that?

It's called a rake, Doug.
You use it in the garden.

So, where's her claw?

Here it is. Uh, thanks, Porkchop.

Hey, guys!

Hey, Patti. What do you think?

Hmm. Pretty monstery, huh?

Wow! That's one scary pile of junk.

It's our monster.

Oh, well, I got to go.

Today's our weigh in.
I think I lost three pounds.

That's great.

Well... see ya.

[Doug] She is way too wide, man.

[whimpering]

Oh, here's the problem, man.

I lost one pound. I'm done.

Well, I gained a pound. Now I've lost it.

Well, that hardly seems worth the effort.

I lost a lot more than one measly pound.

[stuttering] Seven?

[Connie] You lost seven pounds?

Beebe, that's amazing.

I didn't lose seven pounds,
I gained seven pounds!

You stupid machine!

You're the one who told me
to eat all that food.

Do you know who you're dealing with?

[automated voice] Beebe Bluff, male.
Height, 6' 2".

Target weight, 250 pounds.
Whoo-hoo! Beefy!

What?

Didn't you read the instructions
on how to program this thing, Beebe?

-Instructions?
-Yeah.

How do you expect to make it work?

-[grunts]
-[gong sounds]

Here. Make it work, or you're fired!

Three pounds, that was my goal.

Wow! That's great, Patti.

-Yeah, well, it's a start.
-But, Patti--

I've got to get back to running. See ya.

Now I'm all depressed.

Get me a sandwich.

[alarm rings]

[crickets chirping]

[Patti grunts]

[breathing heavily]

[stomach grumbling]

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Chalky, where's your buddy badge?

Sorry, Patti. Guess I left it at home.

Well, just be careful next time.

It's a little thing,
but our buddies appreciate it.

Patti, where's your buddy?

-[all gasp]
-I... Um... Oh.

You forgot your buddy?

I got up so early to go running.
I was kind of tired.

Patti, this is not like you.

Oh, come on, Connie,
don't tell me you're jealous

'cause I lost more weight than you.

Oh, Patti!

-[Patti] Hey, guys.
-[Doug] Hey, Patti. What do you think?

If you were the Lucky Duck Monster,
wouldn't you want to date this?

It's... Um... Uh...

Patti, aren't you overdoing
the running thing?

Shouldn't you take a break or something?

[panting] No, I still have

another 300 calories to burn.

But, Patti, you look kind of... tired.

Come on, Doug.
It's time to take her down to the lake.

Come on. [grunts] Watch it, watch it!

Oh, man.

Hey, Funnie, what are you doing,

entering a stupid pile
of junk contest? [laughs]

No. We made a female monster
to lure the Lucky Duck Monster.

This thing? It looks like
you made it out of stuff

from the garage.
What did you use?

[Doug and Skeeter] Stuff from the garage.

[Roger] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

They need a monster, and I have money.

[announcer]
Klots Kash makes for Kreepy Kreature.

[Roger] Yeah, I'll use money.

It's only missing one thing, boys.

-[both] What?
-Money.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[beeping]

Hey, Patti, can I sit with you?

Sure, Doug.

Mmm. Ah.

Boy, I'm stuffed!

Lunch, five calories, zero fat.

Patti, are you sure eating spray
for lunch is a good idea?

Yeah, you're right, Doug.
Maybe tomorrow I should just skip lunch.

Thanks for the advice. See ya.

[sighs]

Okay, Mr. Crushie,
Roger gave you the money,

Doug drew up the plans.
Think you can build it?

Skeeter, you mind if I skip
monster work today?

I want to go to the track and find Patti.

That's cool, man.
This thing won't be ready until tomorrow.

This is his lady monster?

What's he trying to do,
win a scary junk contest?

Give me a break.

If anyone knows
what a monster likes, it's me.

Now, let me see.

Nah. Hair's too weird.
Mmm, too wrapped up in herself.

Ugh, if I was coldblooded, maybe.

Nah. It's got to be something, uh...
Wait a second.

There's only one thing
nobody could resist.

Come on. I'll show you
how this monster should look.

[children grunting]

I guess what I'm saying, Coach,
is that I'm kind of worried about Patti.

She's been on this diet--

Let me tell you something, Funnie.

All athletes diet.
You don't understand this

because you are not an athlete.
Hand me that fruit pie.

Don't you think
she's getting carried away?

If every athlete got more carried away,
we'd have more trophies.

"Get carried away." [gasps]

That could be our team motto.

You have some good ideas, Funnie.

Even if you're not an athlete.

Doug Funnie,

how dare you go to Coach Spitz
behind my back?

I wasn't, Patti. I was just--

Doug, you have no right to butt in.

Tomorrow's the finals,
and I have to be my best.

[Patti grunting]

Oh, you get me so mad, you make me dizzy!

I want lots of pictures
of me and my monster

before we haul it out to the lake.

Cheese. Huh?

[groans]

[screaming]

-What's this sign doing here?
-Advertising, Valentine.

Can't get anywhere without it.

It's not a monster by Roger!

-Doug and I came up with the idea.
-Well, I paid for it.

Okay, today are the finals.

The team will be
the top five students from each grade.

So, if you have any friends trying out,
make sure you b*at 'em.

No, thanks. I'd only retain it.

She is so disciplined.

-[both grunt]
-Doug, I'm sorry... [moans]

Uh, I have to warm up.

Oh, okay. See ya, Patti.

Next contestant, long jump,
Patti Mayonnaise.

[girl] Yay, Patti! Way to go!

[people cheering]

[grunts]

[groans]

Long jump goes to Mayonnaise! Mayonnaise?

Look, Valentine,

a monster belongs to the guy
who forks over the cash.

It's in the Monroe Doctrine.

Besides, I'm not letting
some sky-in-the-pie creative type

ruin my business.

I talked to my lawyer,
and I know where I stand.

[grunting] Whoa!

-The monster!
-My money!

There, she's coming to.

Just in time for the next race.

-[stutters] Come on, Mayonnaise.
-I don't feel so good, Coach.

Just get carried away, Mayonnaise.

Carry yourself away, Coach.

This girl isn't running anymore today.

Did you eat anything today, Patti?

No. I thought I'd run faster that way.

-Guess not, huh?
-Faster?

Patti, when you don't eat,

your body still needs protein,

so it starts to break down
muscle tissue and organs.

It starts eating itself.

You lose strength, you don't gain it.

That's scary.

It's terrible. I feel so terrible.

Aren't you supposed to
go to the park with Skeeter?

It's okay. I won't miss anything
if I'm a little late.

-[all screaming]
-[monster screeching]

I'm strangely repulsed and yet attracted.

[policeman] Keep moving. Keep moving.

Hey, watch it. Hey, look out! [yelps]

Nothing can stop this evil creature.

I don't know why I thought
starving myself would make me better.

I'm sorry I didn't listen
when you wanted to talk.

All I cared about
was making a monster with Skeeter.

That's okay, Doug.

I know what it's like to get carried away.

Hey! You want to come help us
take the monster to the lake?

Sure, Doug.

I've never seen a real-live fake.

[man] Monster!

[monster screeching]

That couldn't be...

[panting] Which way did she go, Doug?

-[honking]
-[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

Now I'll never catch
the Lucky Duck Monster.

There goes my monster franchise,

just when I found a career
that was really me.

[Doug] So, journal, I guess sometimes
you can't believe everything you see,

even when it's yourself.

-Want to split a small pizza?
-No, thanks, Doug.

I'm ordering one of my own. [laughs]

[Doug] And I'm beginning to think

you can't believe everything you read
in the Weekly Weird World.

Skeeter may not have caught the monster,

but he won the scary junk contest.

Ah, it's a nice trophy,

but I sure wish
I had that monster instead.

I'll take it. It's mine anyway.

Hey, it was our design.

[Roger] Yeah, but it was my money.

Wake up and smell the green, buddy.

[Skeeter] Green? Your green is nothing
compared with my gray.

[Roger] Gray? What country are you from?

[Skeeter] Gray! Gray matter!
My brain! Ideas!

[theme music playing]