06x08 - Doug Gets it All

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear Journal,

one cool thing
about going to middle school

is that we get a yearbook.

And I guess Guy
will want me to do the cover.

Oh, Doug, that's great.

Yeah. Well, anyway,
I better check up on deadlines

before I know
if I can go to Swirly's or not.

No problem, Doug.

Yep, pretty big responsibility.

[sighs] It's not just one week
like the newspaper,

a yearbook lasts a lifetime.

Well, I just wanted to hang out,
it's no big deal if you're busy.

No, no, no,
I just need to check and make sure

there are no important deadlines.

-What's wrong with your hand?
-Drawing exercise.

Yep, wouldn't want to blow it
by not being there when they need me.

I mean, what's a yearbook
without a great cover?

Okay, Doug.

[Doug] It'll just be a minute.

Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I was about to go

from supernova to black hole
and have a cow!

Oh, problem with the yearbook cover?

The yearbook cover? How could there be
a problem with the yearbook cover

when I have my best artist on it?

Well, I wouldn't say--

Schwoozie Beerstein.

Schwoozie?

[laughs]

The problem is Sally. She's sick.

Can you believe it? Oh, the nerve.

Meanwhile, I need a new assistant editor
quick, quick, quick.

Really? Wow, that's...

I mean, I don't know anything
about editing, but...

What do you say, Miss M.? Can you do it?

Will you be my right arm?
My assistant editor?

Look, I'm groveling here. My Gal Friday?

I'd really love to go
to Swirly's with you, Doug,

but a yearbook is a pretty big deal.

[Guy] Hurry up, Miss M.
Your time with me is precious.

Got to go, Doug. Have fun.

Perfect.

[footsteps approaching]

That's me.

[Skeeter] "Hee-haw. I'm important!"

Hey, that donkey in the middle
looks a little like Guy.

[Guy] Didn't have anything. Shoes...
I needed some new shoes.

I can't believe Patti falls for that.

"Be my assistant. I'm so important.
I'm in charge of the yearbook."

So I say to myself,
"You know what you need, Guy?

A new shirt." [chuckles] So I...

Hey, Patti, after school you want to--

Uh, excuse me.

You're interrupting
official yearbook business.

And shouldn't you be finishing
your cartoon for the paper?

It's all done. Want to see it?

Yeah, sure, let's see,
hmm, bunch of jackasses.

Say, that middle one sure looks familiar.

So, anyway, like I was saying, Patti...

[ sighs ]

[boy] You know, I'm so excited
about this yearbook.

Cool, man.

You should think
about a career in animation.

[grunts]

What's that? Working on your family tree?

[laughing]

No. It's my card collection,

"Disgusting Rodents
From Around the World."

-What are you collecting?
-Detention slips.

Bone is all over me like smell on stink.
It's k*lling me.

He's seriously impacting
my discretionary time.

I know. You can build a new school,

then pay Mr. Bone more money
to go work there.

Sounds good to me.

Pretty solid.

Roger, if detention bothers you,
why don't you just behave?

Then Mr. Bone couldn't punish you.

-Hey, you're right!
-It's only logical.

If I don't do anything wrong,
he can't punish me.

That'll drive him nuts.

Mayonnaise, you're an evil genius.

Why do I feel like
I should have kept my big mouth shut?

Oh, hello, Mr. Bone.

Say, that is one biff tie you're wearing.

What, this old thing?
It's just something I clipped on.

Where might I buy one
just like it for myself? [chuckles]

Now, if you want to keep the location
your special secret, I respect that.

Got it down at the Teeny Mart.

Teeny Mart. Thank you so much, sir.

Listen, Mr. Compliment-giver,

I'm not letting you out of detention
just 'cause you like my tie.

Heaven forbid
if I were less than genuine, sir.

Your sartorial splendor inspires us all.

-Hold it right there, mister!
-[screams]

What's the definition of "sartorial"?

Of or relating to clothing?

Oh. I mean, you're right. Run along.

Yeah! [chuckles]

Hey, no running!

That guy Guy thinks he's so cool.

-Why do you let it bug you, man?
-Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's because he's older,
more popular,

better than me at everything,

Patti's impressed by him.

Hey, you're right. Think he'd like
a new best friend?

-Hey!
-Kidding, kidding!

How am I supposed to impress anybody?

I'm not captain of any team.
I'm not important.

I didn't even make assistant editor.

[man] Welcome to "Treasures In the Attic."

This week my guest is Dan Danley

and his complete collection
of What's-Up-A-Joe? bubble gum comics.

Here's my favorite, Craig.

"'Hey, Joe, why is that piano
on your back?'

'I want to carry a tune.'"

[laughing]

I can't laugh at those comics.
I'm too upset by Joe's eye.

I mean, did he run
carrying a stick or what?

You got these comics free
with bubble gum,

but how much would you say
your collection is worth now?

Put it this way, Craig,
if I were to sell these,

I could buy my own
communications satellite. [chuckles]

A satellite?

Say...

Look, Guy. Doug's on TV.

My guest is the kid who collected stuff
that turned out to be very valuable,

Doug Funnie.

Big deal. I'm the editor and stuff.

Quiet. Doug's going to talk.

So, Doug, would you say
collecting's been good to you?

I'll say, Craig. With all the stuff
I traded, I was able to buy this planet.

I just have one question, Doug.
why a planet?

Well...

-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, Doug.

[high-pitched voice] Hey, Doug.

[low-pitched voice] Hey, Doug.

[all] Cool planet.

My own planet.

-What did you say, man?
-Uh, my own planet?

Oh. I think a lot about that, too.

Haven't seen my notebook, have you?

No. Got to go, Skeet. See ya.

See ya. Now where did I put that thing?

Now, how did it get out there? [chuckles]

And it should be too heavy
to float. [grunts]

Shouldn't it?

Boy, I wish Doug were here.

Then I wouldn't be talking to myself.

Maybe it's on top of something.

[screams]

It's a monster!

Just my luck. There's nobody here
to take a picture.

[screaming]

Oh!

[coughs]

[panting] Oh, Miss Kristal
is not going to believe

a monster ate my homework.

If I was going to have the world's
coolest collection of something,

I would need expert advice,

but I had to settle for Mr. Dink.

Douglas, if you want
to collect something, my boy,

make sure you're passionate about it.

What are you passionate about, Mr. Dink?

Glad you asked, Douglas.
I have two passions.

One is music...

Whoa.

The other is plumbing. [laughs]

Put them together, and what have you got?

Musical... plumbing?

Exactly! Believe me, Douglas,
it's opened a lot of doors.

I would happily help you build

a very expensive collection
like this, too, Douglas! [laughs]

Douglas? He must be getting his wallet.

["Brandenburg Concerto No.1" playing]

I need every book, magazine, and pamphlet
ever written on collecting.

It's an emergency.

"Collecting genius Mel Melville
collects things that are not yet in demand

and holds on to them
until they become priceless collectibles."

There's nothing
potentially priceless here.

Let's go, Porkchop.

Porkchop, quit kidding around.
We got to find some valuable stuff.

[barking]

Thanks to our extensive knowledge
of all things A.V.--

That's "audiovisual."

Our prototype sonar monster-finder
is ready to test.

Like ordinary sonar, it emits sound waves

which echo back when
it hits submerged objects.

It's programmed to identify objects
organic and inorganic,

specifically, a rock, a stick,
the traditional tin can,

an old boot, and your monster.

I need proof fast.

When I told Miss Kristal
a monster stole my homework,

she scheduled me to talk
to Mr. Schalacky every day.

Ahh! Not the guidance counselor!
He's scarier than a monster.

Don't worry. We've never failed you yet.

Yeah, I never asked you
for anything before.

A mere technicality.

[beeping]

The emitter goes in the water.

[making alarm noise]

Isn't the machine supposed to do that?

Unfortunately, the part that goes...

[imitating alarm noise]

...is prohibitively expensive.

All right. We have something.

Rock... rock...

another rock...

Rock again...

Oh, big rock... rock...

Okay, I need ideas on what to collect.

It has to be cheap now,
but valuable very soon.

We have many collections.

My favorite is...
Our active cold and flu germ collection.

Fifty-seven varieties.

Uh, anything less contagious?

We have identical comic book collections.

Identical?

Brother, your collection
is an unkempt disgrace.

Mine are kept
in a climate-stabilized environment,

total moisture control.

Is this a good one?

How should I know? I don't read them.

I'm a collector.

But I read and enjoy mine.

And so they will be worthless!

You are sheer buffoonery in pants.

[laughs]

Look at me enjoying my comic. [laughs]

Ooh, Veronica. Ha.

Rock... Rock...

Oh! Oh!

What? What?

Stick!

Rock, big rock...

"To start a valuable collection,

find something no one else
is collecting yet."

-Good morning, Mr. Bone.
-Well, good morning, Mr. Klotz.

Think I'm finally getting through
to that boy.

Here are the top two
low-priced future collectibles:

stone bowls signed "Wilma"
and rubber tub stoppers.

Those don't sound too exciting, Doug.

Wouldn't you rather
collect something you like,

like arrowheads or doorknobs or something?

Collecting isn't about
liking things, Skeet.

It's about "A," money, "B," power.

Is there a "C"?

Yes, money and power.

I began my search
at the Bull's-Eye Park flea market.

[people talking]

Hey.

Hmm. "Wilma." wow.

Would you take $2 for this?

Hmm. $2, eh?

A Wilma bowl? I'll give you $200.

$750!

$50,000!

Money's no object. Name your price.

I just missed out
on Wilma bowls by seconds.

If only I'd bought
a couple hundred of them last week,

I'd be a millionaire.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Bone.

[laughs] Roger?

Hey, don't laugh, Funnie.
It got me out of detention.

Mr. Klotz, are you reading
The Caves of Steve?

Why, yes. Cracking good reading.

I love Steve books.

Ooh. You do?

When I read them, I feel like I am Steve,
king of the jungle.

[yodeling]

[thud]

Me, too.

I've always imagined Steve
is just like you.

So he took me out of detention
to come here and buy old crummy books.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Starting a valuable impressive collection.
Gotta go.

[thinking] Rubber tub stoppers. Hmm...

I had some rubber tub stoppers for years,
but I just sold out.

Not only did I miss out
on the Wilma bowls,

but somebody got to the rubber
tub stoppers before me.

Roger, you collect rubber tub stoppers?

Thanks for the tip.

You were so sure about it,
I'd be a dope not to get in on the action.

Hey, nice rubber tub stopper.

Twenty-five bucks.

It's a gold mine,
and I have you to thank, Funnie.

[groans]

There was only one stopper
Roger hadn't gotten,

the Big Bertha.

"Designed for leaky dams,

the Big Bertha
is the rarest stopper of all."

Maybe I wouldn't need a whole collection
if I had the rarest one of all.

Get your picture taken with Big Bertha!

Who cares about a dorky rubber stopper?

Douglas, it's the President!

Doug, your country needs Big Bertha.

The ocean is leaking
into the Earth's core,

and if isn't stopped,
the planet will be destroyed.

[cheering]

Oh, Doug, you saved the Earth
with your gigantic rubber tub stopper.

-How much for Big Bertha?
-50 bucks.


All right, $2,000.

$2,000?

Okay, $100,000, and that's my final offer.

It's mine, all mine!

Roger had my collection.

He'd be on TV, and I'd be... nothing.

-Hey, Funnie.
-I know, I know. I'm a big loser.

[groaning]

Say, Doug, you want to help me catalog
my cool stopper collection?

At least that way, you'll get to spend
some time with them, loser.

One Eighth Wonder of the World plug,

one 1750 B.C. cork of Hammurabi.

Yeah! This is going to make me
R-i-c-k-h, rich again!

[laughing]

Wow.

You like this crummy old bowl
my mom gave me?

You can have it.

But, Roger, it's--

$50,000!

Money's no object. Name your price!

Roger didn't know how much
Wilma bowls were worth,

and why should I tell him?

He jinked me out of all
the rubber tub stoppers.

With me is Doug Funnie,
who got a Wilma bowl for free

and sold it for a gazillion dollars.

A gazillion?

There's no such number!

Doug's a genius.

A gazillion! I gave him that bowl!

Oh, no! No! No!

Thanks, Roger.

I sort of felt like I was cheating Roger,

taking the Wilma bowl
and not telling him what it was worth.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[man shouting over megaphone]

We got the place surrounded.
Bring out the bowl.

Tell him he's a big loser, too.

You're a big loser, too.

You'll never take
this bowl alive, coppers!

Okay, boys, skunk him.

[squealing]

[coughing]

Oh, stinky!

You got me.

You know, if Roger took
my priceless Wilma bowl,

he'd keep it.

It's worth what?

-Boy, are you a loser. I would've kept it.
-I know.

That's why I decided to give it back.

What a loser.

I don't care about rubber tub stoppers
or bowls.

Why waste my time collecting things
I don't care about?

Duh. 'Cause they'll be worth money.

[Roger's friends] Duh!

But that's like you
being nice to Mr. Bone.

Sure, it gets you something,
but it's not honest.

Huh?

[sighs] All that sonar found
was rocks and one stick,

but I know
there's a monster down there, man.

Hey, guys, mind if I sit with you?

Boy, Patti, you look more tired than I am.

You must be looking for monsters, too.

Working on one.
This yearbook, what a disaster.

We still don't know
what we're going to do.

I thought Guy had lots of ideas.

Guy? He disappeared after the first day
and stuck me with everything.

Now we've got no ideas, no cover,
just a lot of ads we don't need.

Sounds like me collecting all that junk.

You could raise money
filling the yearbook with ads,

but nobody would care about what's inside.

Doug, wait a minute. I...
I think you figured it out.

Wait, you're going to fill the yearbook
with stupid ads?

Patti, maybe you should get some rest.

No. Listen, you guys, what's a yearbook?

It's a collection of valuable memories.

That's why I've decided
the theme of the yearbook should be,

"A collection of valuable memories, hmm?
Memories not for sale."

[boy] "Memories not for sale"?

I wasn't the only one
who was inspired to come clean that day.

Come in, Mr. Klotz.

I've decided to cancel
the rest of your detention.

Mr. Bone, I hate this stuff,

and I'd rather have detention

than read those books
and wear that goofy tie.

You didn't fool me for one minute, mister!

I was just about to give you
two months extra detention!

Hey, Funnie, you were right.

I feel much better being myself.

Meanwhile, I realized I already
have a priceless collection,

all the memories
I'm putting in this journal.

Maybe I can never sell them for money,
but I sure am having fun collecting them.